i've always wanted to start an online thing wheere i can just simply type the name of the person i wanna talk about w/out afraid ppL. will know who it is. in Livejournal or Bloggers.. it seems like you're keeping a public journal for the world.. to share. that looses the meaning of a "journal". In here.. i do not expect ppL to come.. gee, i HOPE they do not come. but yeaa, why am i writing this intro thingy anyways? do i want them to come? anwyays i want to understand myself better by pouring all my thoughts here.. writing in my diary takes too much time.. and my hand aches, too. anwyays, today after student council we were making stars which were NOT spooky at all.. and by means of the theme, "Monster's Ball" .. it does no comply to it. I was there alone, and tran was with troung to buy some shizz for homecoming.. he's dress shirt. but yea, anwyays i was there alone by myself, it wasnt that bad.. but i felt that , w/out tran, there's no me. hmm, wat have i become? too dependent on her. she's a really coool person and all but i can not depend my self on another person. i have to go out there and make friends of my own. if i dont, next time when tran meets a new friend.. ill feel that im so unpopular.. well thats not the word.. but, queer. that i do not have the guts to do things bymyself. i do not need tran or any of her friends so i can be happy. i was popular enough to satisfy myself in middle school, why cant i do that anymore? Its not TRAN.. i finally realized.. that these few weeks that ive been mentally blaming her.. its me. Today when tall tran and i were walking in the track during pe, we came upon the discussion of me and tran. she said that i was a follower compared to her. That's quite true, and i cant deny it. ive BECOME a follower.. and Tran the leader of me, if she was gone.. will i survive? Ive slowly tried to drift away from her..and i realized that w.out her... my life is kinda dull. and wat happens to Cindy? Last yr. (9th), physically.. ive abandoned Cindy...although me and tran try to get her involved (this yr also), its just that at that moment of time me and tran gotten to mucchhh closer... i didnt realized that the distance me and tran were heading was the same distance me and cindy are drifting. Why wasnt i smart enough to realize that? Gosh.. i miss middle school, when i was me myself and i. I had my own personality..and the others were the one try to copy it.. now ive sorta have tran's personality.. from the nose on the forhead thing to the words i use that came from her. she does it too.. but not as much as i use her "ideals". Then ive concluded into something... It's like... me and shruti. shruti was always with me.. i was the leader of "us".. but shruti never felt any jealousy or envious or anything like that. she was a friend of mine, and she loved me for who i was and the way i act and sometime i do leave her out like tran does to me. sometimes i go from groups and groups of friends.. and she will still be at the original spot waiting for me. I wait for tran too, but when she comes back im filled with all kind of emotions... anger to jealousy. Am i real friend? However.. i know i cant totally blame eveything on myself....maybe i'm just too gullible. I mean, between me and shruti.. ive always dragged her along, almost everywhere..or i tell her eveyrhting..or atleast i WONT leave her out, if i do..however..i will be the first one to bring upon the subject.. saying "do u feel left out? here, let's so somewhere else." as in "us" friends only. BUt trann..however.. i can simply put it as.. she only cares about her own fun. so in conclusion to all of this, im too damn gullible and persuaded. i NEED to re-organize wat supposely is MY OWN CHARACTER..... work on me and cindy's friendship.. but is she taken by gam already? SHush shush... i can NOT BE SELFISH.. i shall become a new person. i donnt know how. but ill leave it to my private thinking...then ill write. Oh yea.. ps: I think wat Sofia said, "ADD" attentiong..somthing syndrome..watever.. i think i do have that.. i crave it because i used to get it soo much. and while i hung out w/ tran. all the "ADD" had gone to her...and none for me. maybe thats the only jealousy part. ANWYAYS..as i continue w/ my conclusion.. i shall regain my OWN PERSONAL form off ADD... whether its alison like.. (ppL. notice her w.out being ALL LOUUUDDDD, well not TOO LOUDDD like toes), orrr in my own ordinary way. watever comes...goes... eh? ::sighh..::

10-4-02
all i gotta say is Doris T. is one sad mother fucker that needs anger management. damn fcking mood swings and cares about too much shiet on little things. shio tai me. dats wuts called in chinese. damn whore has no right to embarrass me and yell at me calling "that girl" and saying all that shiet... i had no reason to be the victim here. and Tran t. did not stand up for me at all. now im REALLY convinced that she's tryna fit in. anyways, stupid Doris.. im not gonna make it a biggie deaL no more.. im calming down now. cuz she has no future and she's a future deadbeat mom. hahah dats funny. ps: oh yea..stuCo. sucks. geebus. and joyce's sis is bitchy.. geesh.. damn "STUCKUP" seniors/juniors who walks all over ppL. and takes advantages of them. dats called "un-mannered".
bigbigsmiles's info: -today i distinguish both meanings of true friends and its opposite. dats right... i finally realized that besides cindy's extreme temper she's a friend that will stick up for me ... thru thick and thin. but tran.. she's just a "party" friend. like...fun? but its a loser when it comes to "reliability" and should never put hopes on her; AT ALL. the end. byeee~