In the not too distant pa-ast,
About a week (or three)
There was a fanfic writer
(Who happened to be me!)
And this writer had the awkward luck
Of having characters who ran amok,
So to get some peace around the place
She put them in ship, and she launched them into space. (AV: Pleeaaase, guys!)
“I’ll send them cheesy fanfics,
And other stuff I find,
And they can sit and watch them,
And it’ll keep them occupied.
Keep in mind only I control
Where the fics begin and end
As I protect my precious sanity
From my interfering friends
CHARACTER ROLL CALL!
Nutbunny: Hoo-ah!
Astrea: I’m so twinkly *^_^*
Jake: So I’m a grammar geek…
Twinkia: I’ll bring snacks.
Foooord: Can I get a drink please?
If “Where’s the ‘bots and Mike (or Joel)?”
Is the question that you ask,
Just keep in mind who’s the writer here
And then get off my back
For Nutbunny Fanfic Theatre 3000 ( kazoo/harmonica/ukulele/lute TWANG)
(The scene opens, as usual, in the Rec Room. Things are looking a bit different, however, as the cast prepares for their Valentine‘s Day MST. Twinkia is making heart-shaped sugar cookies. Astrea is signing lots of Valentines and putting them into envelopes. Sailor Nutbunny is sealing and stamping the envelopes, and stealing cookie dough as often as she can. Jake, Ford and BoB are hanging streamers.)
Ford: Why are we doing this again?
Astrea: Because it’s a special day and we should do something special to celebrate. *^_^*
Nutbunny: Aack! Paper-cut! Owie! That’s it! I’m out of here.
Astrea: No, don’t go! You need to help me with my Valentines! (adorable sad puppy eyes)
Nutbunny: NOOO! I am defeated by kawaiiness! Evil cute thing!
Astrea:*^_^*
AV: Hey, since it is Valentine’s Day and whatnot, you guys are gonna have some guests. BoB, go get the guests.
BoB: Can’t the find the place themselves? Don’t see why I have to do everything…(wanders off grumbling)
Twinkia: Who are the guests?
AV: You’ll see.
(one of the several doors into the Rec Room opens and a blond 16 year old boy in a red jacket enters)
Astrea: ALEX!
Alex: AZZIE! (they hug. (hey, I suck at romance. Bite me))
(behind Alex is a tallish red-haired young man, in a toga carrying a large sword. He is followed by a duck)
Twinkia: Hey, Fred, hi!
Fred: Hello. (another affectionate but drably written greeting scene)
Duck: Quack.
Twinkia: So, the duck’s following you.
Fred: Yeah.
Twinkia: I told you my prophecies always come true.
AV: Anyway, Alex and Fred are guest-MSTing today.
Nutbunny: Um, you know, seven people is kind of a lot, so why don’t I sit this one out.
AV: I you want to…
Nutbunny: Thanks.
AV: Anyway, the rest of you can head into the theatre.
DOOR SEQUENCE
Door 1: The dry erase board. Alex writes “Mom, is love nothing more than a biochemical reaction to ensure that our genes are passed on? -Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes” and it rises into the ceiling
Door 2: The Bennet’s apartment. Astrea takes the spare key out of the potted plant and opens the door.
Door 3: The darkened windows. Ford grumbles and opens them with a credit card.
Door 4: The giant plushie pile. Everyone pause for a minute, then Astrea just knocks it down, and they walk past.
Door 5: Colin the dog. Jake yells at him and he sits.
Door 6: The deserted concession stand. Twinkia’s presence brings it back to life and everyone gets snacks and beverages.
Door 7: Basic theatre door. Everyone walks right through, and sits down.
(Seating, left to right: Ford, Jake, Alex, Astrea, Twinkia, Fred. And the duck.)
Jake: So, what are we MSTing, anyway.
AV: Well, I was gonna find a romantic fic, but then I decided that it would push the overall mushiness factor past manageable limits. So, instead, I’m sending you ads I got in my email.
U
>Fred: …want fries with that?
N
>Alex and Astrea: SYNC bites!
I
>Ford: …could use a drink.
V
>(pause)
>Twinkia: Can anyone think of anything for that one? (no response)
E
>Jake: …I-e-I-o
R
>Alex: …you ready to rock?
S
>Jake:…any of this real?
>Ford: Bit of stretch, there.
>Jake: Yeah, had to do something.
I
>Ford: …am still waiting for that drink.
T
>Astrea: (singing)…for two…( Alex joins in)
>Both:…and two for tea…
>AV: Stop the squishiness before I lose it.
Y
>Twinkia: Because we like you.
D
>Fred:…plane, boss, de plane!
>Alex: How do you even know about Fantasy Island?
>Fred: Anachronisms.
I
>Ford: …still appear to be lacking a beverage.
>Jake: Give it up.
P
>AV: Let’s just leave that alone, shall we?
L
>Fred:…ephants!
>Twinkia: What?
>Fred: Elephants. I don’t know, it just fit.
O
>Alex: (As Homer Simpson) Margey, you came and you found me a turkey, on my vacation away from work-ey.
>Astrea: Spazz.
M
>Jake:…has a new assignment for you, 007.
A
>Ford: (as angry old guy)…you! Git off mah lawn!
S
>Twinkia:…oteric jokes lead to perplexed readers.
Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power, and the admiration of all.
>Astrea: Become a superhero!
>Alex: Date a superhero!
>Fred: Go on a quest and become a legend!
>Twinkia: Be a goddess, or other deity.
Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities
>Jake: Doesn’t “non-accredited” mean “doesn’t count for crap.”
>AV: Watch your language in front of the young’uns.
>Jake: Who?
>AV: Astrea and Alex.
based on your present knowledge and life experience.
>Fred: But what if you have no present knowledge or life experience?
>Twinkia: Then you’re more than likely about to fall for this.
No required tests, classes, books, or interviews.
>Astrea: Good, because the whole learning part of education, like, stinks.
Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD) diplomas available in the field of your choice.
>Ford: Worth slightly less than the paper they’re printed on.
No one is turned down.
>Jake: Which should indicate something about the quality…
Confidentiality assured.
>Fred: …and, if your confidentiality gets nervous, it can be reassured.
CALL NOW
>Alex: Nownownownownownow…oops, too late.
to receive your diploma within days!!!
>Astrea: Yes, it will arrive in some number of days. Of course that number might be phenomenally huge…
1 - 9 1 7 - 5 9 1 - 3 0 0 1
>Ford: (reaches into Closetspace for a pen and an address book)
>Jake: What are you doing?
>Ford: Writing that down for prank calls.
Call 24 hours a day,
>Alex: If I spent an entire day on the phone, my mom would kill me.
7 days a week,
>Ford, Jake, Twinkia and Fred: (singing) Eight days a week…
>Astrea and Alex: (look confused)
>AV: Before your time, kids.
including Sundays and holidays.
>AV: Ok, next one on the way.
>Jake: You know, with Nutbunny gone we’re lacking a hyperactive lunatic.
>Astrea: No, that’s what Alex is for.
>Alex: Huh?
Dear LAUREN!
>Astrea: Aww, someone wrote a letter to the author.
>Jake: No, these are ads, remember?
>Astrea: That would explain the caps.
SEND A DOZEN
>Fred: Author voice, can you turn down the volume.
>AV: Sorry, it’s the ad.
MAGNIFICENT LONG-STEMMED ROSES
>Alex: Tuxedo Mask is here?
>Astrea: Why would my brother be sending ads to AV?
TO SOMEONE SPECIAL FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
>Jake: Unless, like AV, you have no one special on Valentines Day.
>(a Sailor Moon alarm clock falls from the ceiling and almost hits Jake.)
>AV: Watch it, Emily.
FOR AN AMAZINGLY LOW $39.99
>Fred: Oh, yeah, forty dollars for flowers, perfectly reasonable.
>Twinkia: Are you saying you’re too cheap to buy me flowers?
>Fred: I would pick flowers for you. More personal and economically sensible.
>Twinkia: He’s so well trained. ^_^
(plus overnight shipping by FedEx - guaranteed!)!
>Ford: Flowers by FedEx? Just seems wrong.
>Jake: Strange punctuation there. Exclamation point, parenthesis, exclamation point.
PLUS: PROFLOWERS WILL SEND YOUR "VALENTINE" A LOVELY VELVET HEART FILLED WITH
>Astrea: Loooovvveee.
DELICIOUS, WORLD FAMOUS GHIRARDELLI CHOCOLATES
>Twinkia: Ooo, chocolate.
- ABSOLUTELY FREE!
>Jake: Ooo, free chocolate. Even better.
Your beautiful flowers
>Fred: Are they beautiful?
and the delightful complimentary box of chocolates
>Fred: Are they delightful?
>Twinkia: Let us assume so.
are guaranteed to be delivered
>Alex: They SHALL be delivered from the fiery pit of Hades!
by FedEx on VALENTINE'S DAY!
>Jake: Stop yelling!
http://www.proflowers.com/jump/vday2002b.cfm?partner=iexpect&REF=FCHiexpectValDay02>Astrea: Hey, a link.
>Alex: Can we click it?
>AV: No.
LAUREN:
>Twinkia: AV, they’re calling you again.
THE BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS
>Ford: It’s yelling again.
YOU SEND
>Twinkia: If she were to send any.
ARE GUARANTEED TO BE DELIVERED
>Alex: They SHALL be…
>Astrea: Stop that. Now.
>Alex: Yes, Azzie.
>Jake: (snicker) Azzie.
>Astrea: Did you say something, Emily?
>AV: Ok, no fighting down there.
ON VALENTINE'S DAY BY FedEx! They will arrive in a special decorative presentation box and are 100% guaranteed fresh for 7 days!
>Fred: How do they get roses to stay fresh for a week.
>Twinkia: Leave them on the rosebush.
THE BEAUTIFUL ROSES YOU SEND ARE DELIVERED DIRECTLY FROM THE GROWERS: THEY ARE CUT FRESH FOR YOU IN THE MORNING! VALENTINE'S DAY IS VERY SPECIAL, LAUREN:
>AV: Unless you happen to be friggin’ single…
take a minute right now
>Alex: Nownownow.
- click on this special link and your lovely roses are guaranteed to be delivered by FedEx on the day you choose! See how magnificent the roses really are!
>Astrea: I prefer snapdragons…
http://www.proflowers.com/jump/vday2002b.cfm?partner=iexpect&REF=FCHiexpectValDay02>Alex: Another link…
>AV: No.
LAUREN: NOTHING says "You Are Special," or "I Love You," or "Thank You," or "I Miss You," or just "I Care" better than
>Jake: Words.
beautiful, fresh, lovely and deliciously fragrant flowers, especially gorgeous long stem roses!
>Fred: That’s so unoriginal.
Click here now:
>Ford: What a bossy ad.
http://www.proflowers.com/jump/vday2002b.cfm?partner=iexpect&REF=FCHiexpectValDay02>Alex:…
>AV: NO!
Thank you!
>Astrea: You’re welcome. *^_^*
>Jake: No, they aren’t.
(They all exit the theatre.)
(Scene opens on Sailor Nutbunny at a desk)
>Nutbunny: Hello. I would like to take this opportunity to announce the winner of our “Name the Ship” contest. I would like to thank the runner-up, as well as the winner. Our first, and only, runner-up is (drumroll) Crystal Dream, who suggested “Satellite of PAT (Pain and Torture)”. Thank you, Crystal Dream. As the runner-up you receive a pound of virtual peanutbutter fudge. And the winner, suggester of several names, and fellow MSTer, (DRUMROLL) S3, the demon godling. The name of the ship shall be “The Soyokaze,” Japanese for “Gentle Breeze.” S3 receives two pounds of virtual peanutbutter fudge and the endless gratitude of the cast and author of Nutbunny Fanfic Theatre 3000. If we can ever do you a favour, just ask. (pause) That’s it then? Ok. (gets up from the desk and walks out a door on the side wall.)
(Nutbunny enters the Rec Room, where Twinkia and Fred (and the duck) are decorating the sugar cookies, Alex and Astrea are playing foosball, and Jkae and Ford are watching Casablanca. Nutbunny glances around)
Nutbunny: Valentine’s Day bites. I’m going to my room.
(Nutbunny walks down the corridor towards her room. BoB approaches)
BoB: Hey, what’s with you?
Nutbunny: Another Valentines day has come to remind me that I am perpetually alone.
BoB: Yeah? It’s not like you’re the only one. I mean, what about me?
Nutbunny: You’re a robot.
BoB: That doesn’t mean I can’t love.
AV: Actually, in your case, it does.
BoB: Bite me.
END
