-------------------- Ranma 1/2: Something's Fishy Here By Jack Staik -------------------- DISCLAIMER: "Ah, fuggit." -Mike Callahan -------------------- [SPLASH!] Ranma-chan dragged herself out of the pond, muttering about wild-tempered tomboys who couldn't cook. She pulled off her shirt and wrung it out, then got the emergency thermos by the porch and changed back. Just as another body fell out of the sky and hit the pond, making a huge splash. Ranma-onna, soaked by the wave of water, headed for the pond, only to find a bespectacled duck. "Shampoo?" she asked. "Quack," Mousse-oshidori replied in a dejected tone. "C'mon in - want a cup of tea?" In a little while, Mousse and Ranma were sitting on the back porch, sipping warm tea. "Ah, this feels good after that cold pond," Mousse commented. Ranma shrugged. "It's fairly warm today, actually. Heck, I've probably spent more time in that koi pond than the koi." Mousse chuckled. "Well, if you were nicer to Akane -" "You're nice to Shampoo all the time, and you ended up there, too!" "Point taken." Ranma started counting in his head. "You, me, Ryoga, Oyaji, sometimes Shampoo - I think Pantyhose once. Heck, that pond's probably had as many cursed people in it as Jusenkyo itself. I wouldn't be surprised if the fish got cursed." "How would you tell?" Mousse asked mockingly, a grin on his face. "They're already wet." "Probably triggered when they dry out," Ranma said, laughing. Then a strange look crossed his face. "What?" Mousse asked. Ranma went over to the pond and knealt besides it, looking into it intently. His hand blurred, and there was a koi in it. He'd moved so quickly that he hadn't gotten wet. "What are you up to?" Mousse asked again. Then comprehension crossed his face. "You don't mean to -" "Now to dry it out," Ranma said, half to himself. Mousse was about to say something, but then curiosity got the best of him. "Here," he said, handing over a blow-dryer. "Try this." Ranma looked at the blow-dryer oddly. "You don't think I don't take care of this?" Mousse asked, indicating his long black hair. Ranma shrugged, and went to work. A few minutes later, Mousse and Ranma were staring at a nude, dead fish-smelling pig-tailed boy. "Damn," they exclaimed. "You think they all look like you?" Mousse asked. "Dunno," Ranma replied. Mousse ran over to the pond and caught a fish, then dried it out. A little while later, a dead Mousse lay next to the dead Ranma. "Whoever touches it when it comes out, you think?" Ranma asked. "Looks like it," Mousse answered. A few days of secret experimentation established the method. They also discovered during a midnight restocking of the pond that any fish dunked in the pond became cursed, and the bodies changed back to dead fish when re-soaked. Evil plans began to form... * * * * * * * * * * (A week later ...) "DIE SAOTOME!" Mousse cried hurling a brace of blades at the red-shirted boy. "Nyah! Nyah!" Ranma replied, backflipping past the front door of the Nekohanten. "I bet even that frog Cologne could dodge *that*, Blind Duck! Shampoo keeping you up too late again?" Cologne and Shampoo dashed outside, both incensed at the insults and wanting to bash Ranma themselves. Cologne saw Ranma stick his tongue out at her and Shampoo and restrained Shampoo. "Don't, girl!" Cologne nodded. "Clever boy - hoping we'll attack while he's fighting Mousse so Mousse will win and claim you. And he'll be able to claim that we helped Mousse to cheat, so his 'perfect record' of winning fair fights will remain unbroken." "Airen not do that!" Shampoo exclaimed. A look of doubt crossed her pretty face. "Would he?" "Ha-ha!" Ranma crowed. "Blind Mousse can't hit a dead fish!" And he flipped around a corner. "Oh, yeah?" Mousse said, following the script. "'Fish' *this*!" As Mousse threw a harpoon, Ranma (out of sight of Cologne and Shampoo) rolled out a dead Ranma he happened to have there. [CHUK!] Cologne and Shampoo's ears perked up at the sound of a weapon imbedding itself in flesh. "YATTA!" Mousse crowed, doing a Japanese Victory Dance, with fans marked 'Mousse Marries Shampoo!'. "It can't be ..." Shampoo whispered. The two females ran around the corner and found Ranma's dead body lying in the fishmonger's stall, a harpoon through it's chest. Shampoo screamed, turned, and ran. Mpousse came up to Cologne, a smirk on his face. "Can't deny that my claim to Shampoo is valid now, Old Bat!" Cologne ignored the dig in her shock, nodding assent. "You have defeated the only other claimant in fair battle, Mu Tsu. Shampoo may now be claimed by you." Mousse bowed, then hopped to the rooftops and dashed away, leaving a horrified Cologne staring at his handiwork. Mousse met Ranma at the pre-arranged rendezvous. "How'd it go, Mousse?" Ranma asked. "Excellent! Shampoo will be mine! We'll probably be in China in a week! Can you stay out of sight of the Monkey-Mummy that long?" "You bet! I'll be busy! You got the stuff?" Mousse handed over the packets of Instant Nyannichuan and Instant Nannichuan. "If you need me, just call, pal." "Thanks, buddy." Ranma dashed off, to complete his terrible plan. * * * * * * * * * * Tatewaki Kuno, majestic in his glory (to hear him tell it), strode down the street toward the assignation with the Glorious Pig-Tailed Girl he had made that morning over the telephone. He was so wrapped up in thoughts of the Pig- Tailed Girl that he failed to notice the pig-tailed boy passing overhead, or the sardine that fell down the back of his hakama. Following her instructions, Kuno went to the parking lot of the police station and awaited the feeling that he was told would accompany her presence - the sudden pressing of weight at his back. Meanwhile, the fish dried out ... Inside the police station, they head a cry of "PIG-TAILED GIRL! YOU WILL BE MINE FOREVER!" followed by an ear- splitting scream. Rushing outside, the police found Kuno in their parking lot, apparently with another person in his clothes as well, clinging to his back. It turned out that the other person (a pig-tailed girl) was deceased and otherwise nude. Kuno was arrested for felony abuse of a corpse and suspected of murder. What he would say during his psychological evaluation would ensure that he would never see a courtroom - or the outside of a hospital. Ranma dashed away, laughing his ass off. * * * * * * * * * * "What are you looking so cheerful about, Saotome?" Nabiki asked. "Haven't you heard?" he said. "Kuno's in the lockup." "WHAT?!" "Jail. Gonna go away a looong time." Akane danced around, waving Victory Fans. "At last! Justice triumphs over hentais!" She leaned close. "What did they get him for?" Ranma told them. Nabiki got sick and ran out of the room. Akane just nodded. "I should have known. Makes sense, too, if you think about it - attacking girls to get dates and all that." Ranma just smiled. * * * * * * * * * * Ukyo Kuonji re-read the letter from her father, puzzled. Ranma came into the restaurant. "Hiya, Ucchan. Got a free meal for a buddy?" "Hm? Oh, sure, Ranchan." Without thought, she whipped up a huge okonomiyaki. "No fish, okay?" "Whatever," she replied. "You seerm distracted, Ucchan. Anything I can do?" "I don't know," she said. "I got the strangest letter from my father today." "Oh?" "He says that my honor is restored and I can be a daughter again. And that he's sorry that the marriage with you didn't work out." "Really?" he said, a bad impression of surprise on his face. "Well, I suppose that cancels our engagement, since your father said it didn't work out. But we can still be friends, can't we?" He held out a hand in expectation. "Sure, Ranchan," she replied, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. "But I wonder why he said my honor was restored? And the engagement didn't work out?" Ranma shrugged. "Prehaps he got undeniable evidence that I was dead or something? Who knows? Just be glad that the craziness is over. Perhaps you can find a real boyfriend now." "Ummm ..." Ukyo said, still shook up. Ranma just grinned and ate his okonomiyaki. * * * * * * * * * * Ranma came to dinner, whistling. "What are you so happy about?" Akane said. "Haven't you heard? Ukyo's father cancelled the engagement. Ucchan's not my fiancee anymore!" Akane looked shocked. "How'd that happen?" "I sent him a gift and a letter explaining a few things. He was glad to see reason. And the best thing of it is that Ukyo's still my friend!" Akane was confused. "Um ... I'm glad for you ..." she mumbled. Nabiki looked suspicious. "Since when have you ever broken off an engagement? How'd you do it?" "I found a way," he said enigmatically. * * * * * * * * * * A few days later ... Ranma and Akane walked past the former location of the Nekohanten. "It's weird," Akane said quietly. "The Amazon Gang just ... packing up and running back to China, without even a goodbye. I thought that Shgampoo would never give you up." "Oh, didn't you hear?" Ranma said. "Mousse is marrying Shampoo." She seemed shocked. "How did that happen?" "Oh, I helped arrange it," he said proudly. "Just a matter of making Mousse look good." Akane peered at him suspiciously. He noticed her gaze. "C'mon, Akane! Can't I be nice?" "You got out of your engagement to Ukyo, and you got out of your engagement to Shampoo. Why are you ditching fiancees like this?" He just smiled. Ryoga stumbled out of an alleyway. "Where the hell am I now?" "Oh, hello, Ryoga!" Akane said warmly. Ranma glowered. A bit later, Ranma made a phone call to a cell phone. "Mousse? Ranma. You left the country yet? Waiting for the boat? Good - I need your help." * * * * * * * * * * That night, P-Chan snoozed by the back door while Akane helped Kasumi clean up. Akane had snuggled him tightly, and Ranma was P.O.'ed the entire meal, which gave P-Chan a warm feeling in his heart. Suddenly, he was grabbed up by hands wearing latex gloves and dunked in the pond, then slapped with a fish. He was dropped unceremoniously next to an oddly convenient kettle of hot water. P-Chan glanced up, seeing a figure wearing a bright blanket dash into the night. Drenching himself with the kettle, the nude Ryoga gave chase, rage cancelling out his reason. He saw the blanket with a lump under it and leapt on it, his fists hitting with the force of piledrivers. Ranma was drying the dishes next to Akane, smiling at her warmly, which made Akane wary. But she had to admit it was nice, the way he agreed to help her. And she was the only fiancee he'd kept ... "TAKE THAT, YOU BASTARD!" Ryoga's voice yelled from the back. "I'LL TEACH YOU TO SLAP ME WITH FISH!" Puzzled, Akane, Kasumi, and Ranma went out to the back yard and found a naked Ryoga beating on a lump in a blanket. "Ryoga!" Akane cried. "What are you doing? And why are you naked?" Ryoga looked up. "A-akane-san?" he said nervously. "What's under there, Ryoga?" Ranma asked. "And where's P- Chan?" Ryoga looked very confused. Ranma lifted the blanket, and Akane screamed. "P-CHAN!!" she cried in horror. "RYOGA! YOU MONSTER!" "B-but .." Ryoga stammered, staring at the dead P-Chan. "But he - I - he -" "And why *are* you naked?" Ranma asked pointedly. Akane's look of horror deepened. "YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!" "It's not what it looks like!" Ryoga cried. "RYOGA NO HENTAI!" Akane cried, malleting him over and over while Ranma held him down. Ranma looked up at the roof and gave a wink to Mousse, who waved down with a latex-gloved hand. Eventually, a sobbing Akane was being comforted by Ranma while the rest of the house wondered what the hell just happened. And Ryoga was arrested for animal abuse, stunned beyond speech. * * * * * * * * * * A few days later ... Nabiki sulked while she picked at her meal. With Kuno in jail and the rest of his family leaving town, plus the disappearance of the Amazons, her business had taken a downturn. The whole household had been quieter recently. The trauma of what Ryoga had done had shaken the whole household (especially since Akane was the only one who didn't know that Ryoga was P-Chan). It was the shock of that event which had kept Soun and Genma from taking advantage of the growing closeness between Ranma and Akane and rushing them to the altar. In the aftermath of Ryoga's killing of P-Chan, Akane had found a good friend in Ranma, who seemed to be a pillar of strength in her dark times. They found themselves talking until late at night and had even gone out a couple of times (although both were too nervous to call it 'dating'.) But they still had their problems. If anything, their non- fiancee and non-rival problems (her cooking and jealousy, his foot-in-mouth disease and inability to handle himself socially) had swelled to epic proportions. Ranma cringed before the alleged lunch made by Akane. He poked at it with a chopstick, and was surprised when his chopstick stayed where he put it. "What is it?" "Miso soup. Go ahead, have some." "No way!!" "C'mon, Ranma!" she whined. "Everything's been going so well ... no fiancees and no rivals and no challengers ... why can't you make it perfect and eat some of my food?" "Because I respect the sanctity of life? Especially my own?" Akane glowed with battle aura. "RANMA NO BAKA!" she cried, slamming him through the roof. Ranma noted where he was about to land; by the canal. Perfect. * * * * * * * * * * Akane fumed, stomping down the street toward where she knew Ranma would have landed. "Damn it, Ranma," she snarled to herself, "Couldn't you at least try a bite? You didn't have to eat it all, just a little bit." From the canal, she heard a cry of joy. Rushing over, she found Ranma laying on the ground, apparently out cold. Getting a hose, she sprayed him with it. He didn't change, nor did he wake up. Shocked, Akane knelt besides him and checked his pulse. No pulse. "RANMA!" she screamed. "HA-HA!" cried a familiar voice. "Serves him right!" Akane looked over ... and saw Ranma-onna dancing on the fencetop. She glanced back and forth between the dead male Ranma and the living female Ranma. "What?" Akane stammered. "Wh-what?" "Ranma's manhood is dead!" RAnma-onna cried out. "And Akane killed it!" "SHUT UP, RANMA!" she cried, spraying him with the hose. Ranma-onna ignored the soaking and took the hose away from her, then picked up the Ranma-corpse and threw it into the canal. It was out of Akane's sight when it hit the water and changed back into a dead fish, the protection from change offered by the Instant Nannichuan cancelled out. "Now I'm free to be a girl!" she cried. "All because Akane didn't love Ranma enough!" "What are you talking about?" she yelled "I love Ranma! I mean - I love you! I mean - you know what I mean!" "Enough to stop cooking? No! Enough for him to eat at Ucchan's without throwing fits? No! Enough to tell him why you get mad at him and not just yell at him and hit him? No!" Akane backed up in terror. "Every hit and fit killed a bit of Ranma's manhood, and now it's all gone! Whee!" Akane shook her head. "No! I don't believe it!" "You saw the body! And now I'm here forever!" Ranma-onna danced around. Akane dragged her down to Tofu's clinic and poured some hot water on her (which did nothing, thanks to the Instant Nyannichuan powder). "Tee-hee!" Ranma-onna giggled cutely. "You killed Ranma's manhood by acting like a tomboy!" Akane grabbed her. "I can make you a real man, Ranma Saotome!" she yelled, then planted her lips on Ranma's and kissed for all she was worth. Ranma was stunned, unable to stop her from pulling off his clothes. He'd planned on saying that Akane could only bring back his manhood by being nicer, but something else seemed to be happening. [A long scene cut for lemon content.] A nude (male) Ranma lay in the clinic's bed with an equally nude Akane, both exhausted. Akane was smiling and snuggled up against his chest. Ranma sighed in contentment. This wasn't what he had in mind, but it was nice. It seemed that Akane had her own ideas on how to restore Ranma's manhood. * * * * * * * * * * * (A few days later ...) Nodoka wept at missing her son and husband again, and was even more upset at Ranko not being being available (Akane seemed militantly opposed to Ranma changing at all anymore, and kept him male as much as possible). "Is it as I feared?" she sobbed. "Is Ranma not manly?" "Don't talk like that!" Akane snapped. "Ranma's extremely manly! I've made sure of that!" The rest of the Tendos and the panda looked at her wide- eyed. On the eaves outside, Ranma just smiled. "But they're never here!" she sobbed, dabbing at the tears. "Why would they avoid me if they weren't afraid of me?" The whole household looked nervous. Ranma decided to put his last plan into action. A couple of minutes later, Ranma-onna came in from the kitchen. "Oh, Auntie Nodoka!" she cried, hugging her unsuspecting mother. "Don't worry - everything will be all right! You'll see!" "Oh, I wish I was as certain as you, dear Ranko!" "I have a good feeling," Ranma-onna said cheerfully. "Say - I have a great idea! Why don't you take Panda-san home for a couple of days? To keep you company?" A panda-sign whipped out. [What are you doing, you miserable punk?!] He glanced over at Nodoka and the sign flipped around. [Uh - I mean - I don't think she wants an old panda around her house.] "Oh, sure she would, you mangy flea-circus! Nothing to cheer up a lonely house like the antics of a big ol' lump of lard with a shedding coat who isn't toally housebroken." [Why, you -] "Pleeeeze, Auntie Nodoka?" Ranma-onna said, her eyes big and pleading. Akane looked both sickened and terrified. (Not so girly, Ranma-kun! Please!) "Well ... all right." "Since he might get nervous being in a strange household, you can keep him chained up in the back yard the next couple of days. To prevent 'accidents' in the house." "Good idea, Ranko-chan!" As Nodoka and Genma-panda left, Akane quickly poured the hot water and Nabiki looked suspicious as all hell. "What the hell are you doing, Ranma?!" "Solving a few problems," he said, kissing Akane's cheek. "Trust me." Going to the freezer, he pulled out the foil-wrapped fish he'd prepared for this project. "Now to kill two problems with one stone - and two fish! Hee-hee!" * * * * * * * * * * (Two nights later ...) Nodoka looked around at the old temple. It didn't look like it had been used in years, but this was where the note from Ranma had said to meet him. She jerked at the leash around Panda-san's throat, puling him forward. The beast had been very difficult today; it didn't seem to like the leash. It was almost as bad as when she fed him table scraps. Entering the inner temple, she saw two open coffins, surrounded by candles. Before them, a figure knealt as if in prayer. "Hello?" she said, her breath catching in her throat. Ranma got up and faced her. "Hello, Mother." Nodoka rushed up and embraced her son, tears flowing down her cheeks. "Oh my son! Why haven't you contacted me? Where is your father? Oh, it's so good to see you again!" Ranma embraced her and hugged her tight. "It's good to see you, after such an ordeal." "Where is your father?" Ranma gestured toward the coffins. Nodoka looked into the coffins, where Genma and Ranko lay in final repose. Panda-san screamed in utter horror, looking from one coffin to the other in complete shock. "Poor dumb beast," Nodoka said. "To lose his mistress like this must hit him hard." She looked at Ranma, who was fighting to keep his emotions under control (it wouldn't do at this point to bust out laughing at Genma's silliness). "What happened?" "During our training trip," he explained, "Father and I were contacted by a secret society of devil-hunters. Ranko was our contact with them. We spent much of the time since in battle with the forces of supernatural evil. Finally, this battle was won, but at the cost of Ranko and Genma's lives." He leaned over the coffins and sobbed. Genma held up a sign behind Nodoka. [You seriously expect her to swallow that tripe?!] "Oh, my poor husband!" she wailed, falling to her knees. "Oh poor, brave Ranko-chan! To die so heroically!" Panda-san facefaulted. "Now I must destroy the bodies, burning them in this holy temple, lest they rise again." Ranma took Nodoka's shoulders. "Remember, Mother - the evil they fought may try to come back in Genma's body. So if a figure claiming to be Genma appears, you must act quickly and strike it's head from it's body, lest it destroy you! So Genma's soul can know peace!" [WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, BOY?!] "I promise, my son," she sobbed. Then she glanced at the other figure. "But what of Ranko?" "Her identical twin sister - uh, Karma - has taken care of her. Her soul is safe." Ranma smiled. "If you like, I'll ask Karma to drop in from time-to-time." "That would be nice," she said. "Will she take Panda-san?" "No. Best you keep him. Ranko would have liked that. And for his good health, don't forget to mix some coffee grounds in his table scraps. Aids digestion in pandas." [BOY, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! LOTS!] Ranma held up a sign behind Nodoka's back. [Karma's a bitch, Old Fart.] "And you, my son?" "I've fought my wars, Mother. Now I'm going to settle down with Akane and teach the next generation." She hugged him. "Oh, my son!" A short while later, in the light of the burning temple, Nodoka knealt in prayer while Ranma and Panda-san had a conversation. [You ingrate! If I ever change back, she'll think I'm a vampire and lop off my head!] "While I can live my life nice and peaceful. With you gone. Gee, how'd that happen?" [And where'd you get those bodies?] "Oh, that. I needed some dead bodies, so I made some." He leaned close. "Just pray I don't need any dead pandas, Old Fart." [Son! You're a ruthless, cold-blooded monster!] *flip* [I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!] The panda wept with pride at his vicious murderer of a son. Nodoka came back and led the weeping panda home, with a promise from her son to bring his fiancee by for dinner sometime soon. As soon as they got out of earshot, Ranma pumped the air with his fist. "YATTA! RANMA SAOTOME IS VICTORIOUS ONCE MORE!" * * * * * * * * * * (A while later ...) The Tendo household was very relaxed. With Genma gone, Soun was listless, too listless to even try to marry off Ranma and Akane when they kissed in front of him. Kasumi was happy, too. Not long after Genma left, Doctor Tofu ran into the house in the middle of the night. He claimed that he had a vision of Kasumi dying which terrified him so much that he pledged his eternal love and protection. Ranma just smirked. Nabiki was not happy. Her business was dying on it's feet; Ranma had wrecked her cameras and the market was glutted with old pictures. And with the removal of so much of the Nerima Wrecking Crew (and the consequent reduction in neighborhood violence), most of the market for gambling had dried up, too. Ranma and Akane were deliriously happy. They snuggled and kissed and hardly ever fought. Akane calmly explained things that aggravated her, and Ranma was learning how to be civil. They even said 'I love you' to each other in public. Such a happy state of affairs was doomed, of course. With a crow of triumph, Happosai the Perverted bounced off the table, a sack of panties over his shoulder. "Hiya, kids! How's my favorite pupils?" He pulled out a bustier. "How's this honey? Snatched it right off a Mother Superior! Who'd'a thunk they wore these under those habits, eh?" He splashed Ranma with a bucket of water. "How about a proper homecoming, Ranma-chan?" His target was removed before he got to it by Akane and her quick-draw hot-water thermos (keeping Ranma male had become an obsession with her). Squaking in protest, he simply changed his target to Akane, whereupon Ranma's fist knocked him through the ceiling. Ranma growled deep in his throat. "The Old Fart goes," he promised under his breath. * * * * * * * * * * (that evening...) With a careful move, he deposited the damp fish in the portable dessicator and brushed it with the brush made from the hairs of several females, including Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane, Ukyo, and his female half. The dead form it changed into had traits of all of those, but was undeniably an individual. Perfect. Splashing it, he changed it back into a dead fish and packed it away, then put out the sake bottle labelled 'Happosai is Forbidden from Drinking This!' In just a few minutes, Happosai had slammed it down. Less than a minute after that, he was out like a light, thanks to the products of medical science in the jug. * * * * * * * * * * (The next morning ...) A police officer came by with a photo of Happosai. "Do you know this individual?" Ranma examined the picture. "That's Happosai the Disgrace - the shame of our School. We kicked him out just yesterday for groping my fiancee." He smiled hopefully. "Has anything horrible happened to him?" "Please say yes!" Akane added. "He's dead." Soun leapt up. "PRAISE THE GODS!" Nabiki almost smiled. "So how'd the Old Perv get it?" The officer explained; "We got an anonymous tip about a kidnapping. When we arrived at the address, we found this man - obviously drunk - and a dead woman. When we tried to take him into custody, he injured the officers and threw explosives at us. A shootout ensued, and he was hit by over a hundred bullets." "YAY!" "Not exactly heartbroken, are you?" Ranma nodded. "We feel terrible about that poor woman, but don't ask us to fake being sad about Happosai going to hell." After getting a few statements, the officer left. And there was much rejoicing. * * * * * * * * * * In the fullness of time, Ranma and Akane were married and were very happy. Ukyo eventually married a restauranteur from Okinawa and was very happy. Kasumi and Tofu were married and were very happy. Shampoo and Mousse were married and were very happy, too. They named their first baby 'Ranma'. Soun and Nodoka eventually married and were very happy. Kuno and Ryoga spent their lives in mental institutions. They were happy whenever they were sufficiently medicated. The other Kunos left for America, trying to escape the stain that Tatewaki's arrest had given the family. Panda-san's health suffered, so he was moved to a zoo where experts monitored his condition and stuck needles in him a dozen times a day. The koi pond was drained and filled in, but the water was saved and put in large barrels. The barrels disappeared one day. No one knows where they went, but soon afterwards, Nabiki Tendo opened up her profitable business selling cadavers to medical schools. This is probably a coincidence.