Author's Notes: Don't I wish I owned Slam Dunk? Or the Bloodhound Gang's "Bad Touch" (or just the Bloodhound Gang. ^^;;)? But, alas, I don't so no suing, please. They belong to their respective creators and such, I claim only ownership for this bad idea...Also, if some of the lyrics are wrong, gomen, but I don?t have the CD, I have the mp3, and I had to figure them out by listening, pausing, and writing it down. Enjoy! (I hope?) C&C always welcome.

~~x~~

Hanamichi sighed and shifted his weight in Biology class. It was hot in the classroom, mainly because it was nearing summer. None of the windows were open, and the air-conditioner was broken. The teacher was just getting the class started, arranging himself on the edge of his desk, book open in front of him. He cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

Sakuragi wiped his brow, sweating like mad and wishing for the class to be over with. The teacher was getting into his section on reproduction. Not that Hanamichi was clueless about how to mate; in fact, he knew perfectly well how to do the deed. But he wasn't interested. Lately, all he'd been interested in was the fox-eyed boy that sat across the room. Upon this thought, he shifted in his chair again and glanced over at Rukawa, who was doodling on a notebook. He didn't look up, so Hanamichi turned his attention back to the teacher.

"Well, class, I know you've been looking forward to this section."

"The one on reproduction, sir?" One of the kids asked, his book opened in front of him to a layout of the woman's uterus.

"Hai."

"In other words, boys, time to get horny!" One of the jocks in the back shouted, his buddies hooting along with him and making gestures to the girls. They shrieked and scooted away. Rukawa looked behind him, but then fastened his gaze back to his notebook, doodling a little with his lightly grasped pen.

"Well, yes, that is part of the reproduction cycle, if you want to put it crudely." But the teacher was smiling, showing that he once was, and still is, quite male. "It is not only a requirement in humans, but in animals as well. The desire, the need--"

"The horniness!" This time one of the big guys actually got up and went over to a girl's desk, pouncing as if to actually tackle her. She got up quickly though, and he crashed into her desk. The teacher was grinning rakishly and adjusting his glasses, waiting for quiet.

"Yes, that too. All that needs to be present in order to get reproduction underway."

"So let's do it doggy-style!" Another guy yelled out. This time there was no quieting the class as they roared with activity. That's just what happens when you put thirty-some-odd teenagers into a classroom and expected them to behave all year. A lapse of responsibility was bound to happen. The girls were running to one side of the room, away from the boys, who were making rather rude gestures. By now almost everyone was standing up and milling about, and Hanamichi was thoroughly enjoying the chaos.

"Ha ha, well now. We call this the act of mating, but there are several other very important differences between human beings and animals that you should know about." The teacher said, eyes flashing, obviously quoting something.

Hanamichi knew a cue when he heard one. Grinning like a fool, he grabbed his CD player and the detachable speakers, placing them on his desk, even though technically they weren't allowed in school. He put in his new Bloodhound Gang CD, hit play, and put it on "Bad Touch."

The loud, heavily beated music suddenly filled the room, shutting most of the people up. They were all curious to see what Hanamichi was doing. The music was hard to describe; the drums set the background beat, which seemed to have a techno style, but the guitars set a rock feel to it. Add to that the computerized keyboard, and you had a style Sakuragi had only seen in this group, and he liked it.

Hanamichi climbed onto the teacher's desk, feeling rambunctious. He smiled at Rukawa, who looked at him curiously, chin propped on his hand, eyes glued to Hanamichi.

In sync with the voice on the CD, Hanamichi said, rather loudly, looking directly at Rukawa, "I'd appreciate your input..."

"Sweat, baby, sweat, baby
Sex is a Texas drought,
Me and you do the kinda stuff that only
Prince would sing about."

Hanamichi was dancing around slightly to the music, making a fool of himself and not caring. He saw the twitching of Rukawa's eyes, meaning he was holding back a smile, and Sakuragi wasn't going to waste a chance to see him smile.

"So put your hands
Down my pants
And I'll bet you'll feel nuts
Yes I'm Siskel
Yes I'm Ebert
And you're getting two thumbs up."

Rukawa smiled then, watching as Hanamichi jumped down and danced around the room, chasing the group of girls into a different corner and slapping high-fives with the big guys in the back. One guy jumped into all of it, having heard the song before and seen the music video. He played a mime, short like the one on TV, and mimicked like he was in a box.

"You've had enough of two-hand touch
You want it rough."

Hanamichi ran over to Rukawa and slapped him on the butt through the seat, running away almost as quickly to provoke the girls, who shrieked in response.

"You're out of bounds
I want you smothered
Want you covered
Like my Waffle House hash browns
Come quicker than Fed-Ex
Never reach an appex
Just like Coca-Cola stock,
You are inclined to make me rise
An hour early just
Like Daylight Savings Time."

By now he was really singing only to Rukawa, but kept annoying the girls for the mere fact that they looked so funny running from one corner to the other, shrieking insanely each time, like the guys would actually do something should they catch them.

"(Do it now)
You and me, baby
Ain't nothing but mammals,
So let's do it like they do
On the Discovery Channel
(Do it again now)
You and me, baby,
Ain't nothing but mammals,
So let's do it like they do
On the Discovery Channel
(Gettin' horny now)."

By now one of the shorter boys, as a mime, was reaching over to the girls and grabbing them by their backs, never reaching too low, but low enough to get his point across. The big guys were moving their hips and dancing to the music, making gestures all the while to the girls, who made faces at them.

Three girls, however, the infamous Rukawa Brigade, came forward and started dancing with the others guys, provocatively of course, 'cause after all, wasn't this a study on human reproductive and mating habits? Hanamichi strode over to Rukawa and pinched his butt discreetly, winking. Rukawa glared, one corner of his mouth quirking. He had turned around in his seat to watch Hanamichi with interest.

The teacher only watched from his perch on his desk, foot tapping to the music, smiling all the while and shaking his head.

"Love,
The kind you clean up
With a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt
Only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics,
Let me be specific,
I wanna be down in your South Seas
But I got this notion,
The motion of your ocean
Mean "small craft advisories."
So if I capsized on your thighs
High tide B-5
You sunk my Battleship
Please turn me on
I'm Mr. Coffee with
An automatic drip
So show me yours
I'll show you mine
"Tool Time"
You'll Lovett
Just like Lyle
Then we'll do it Doggie-style
So we can both watch X-Files."

By now Rukawa had actually gotten up and grabbed Hanamichi around the waist from behind, holding him close to his lower torso, imitating the doggie style. Hanamichi was only too happy to go along with Rukawa. The Rukawa Brigade was doing the same to three of the big guys, and the girls were still shrieking, and the others guys were whooping, and the teacher was laughing so hard that tears came from his eyes. Everyone thought it was a big joke.

Only the fox-eye boy and the Tensai knew differently.

"(Do it now)
You and me, baby
Ain't nothing but mammals,
So let's do it like they do
On the Discovery Channel
(Do it again now)
You and me, baby,
Ain't nothing but mammals,
So let's do it like they do
On the Discovery Channel
(Gettin' horny now)."

By now even the most straight lanced of all the girls were dancing around to the music, rubbing against people of the same sex, opposite sex, as long as they were there. There were no boundaries to cross; all of them had been breached by now. People were now just having fun, bumping and rubbing and going crazy.

And still the teacher just sat there and watched, listening to the music and allowing them to have free time.

"You and me, baby
Ain't nothing but mammals,
So let's do it like they do
On the Discovery Channel
(Do it again now)
You and me, baby,
Ain't nothing but mammals,
So let's do it like they do
On the Discovery Channel
(Do it now)
You and me, baby
Ain't nothing but mammals,
So let's do it like they do
On the Discovery Channel
(Do it again now)
You and me, baby,
Ain't nothing but mammals,
So let's do it like they do
On the Discovery Channel
(Gettin' horny now)."

The music died and everyone took his or her seats. As quickly as the whole thing had started, it ended. The only evidence to their fling of insanity was Hanamichi's CD player, and oh look, it was back in his bag now. The teacher cleared his throat to begin his lecture, a strange light in his eyes. At that moment the principal decided to walk in and sat in a desk in the back of the class, silently observing the class and it's teacher.

It took forever for the bell to ring, and Rukawa made Hanamichi wait until everyone, including the teacher, had left the classroom before saying in a low voice, "Can you come over today?"

"Sure, kitsune. What's up?"

"Oh nothing." He let go of Hanamichi's arm and turned to leave. He looked over his shoulder as he was leaving, smiling only with his eyes. "Oh, and bring that CD, ne? It's sets the right...mood." With that and a wave, he was gone.

Hanamichi was left grinning like a fool at the scene of the crime.