Warning: Spoilers of Trowa's Episode Zero. That's it.
Another Murder of Crows: Part 37
I woke up to find that I was alone, which was surprising, but I knew it was only temporary. Because of how frantic Wufei and Duo probably were by now, I doubt that they would leave me alone for more than a few seconds.
The fireplace was going at a comfortable blaze as I looked outside and saw how dark it was. It's probably very late at night if not early in the morning. I wonder how long I've been out. Anyway, I was feeling warm again, this time due to the heat of the fire plus the blankets that were over me, so I crawled out from under them and laid on top, waving my hands at myself to get some cooler air circulating. As I laid there, I had this bizarre impulse come over me as I stared at the ceiling. At first I tried to ignore it, thinking that maybe it was a vibe I was receiving from Krahe. But after another moment I realized that that wasn't it. I mean, it wasn't a bad feeling. Nor was it threatening or foreshadowing. It just felt...well...weird.
After a short while I decided to either act on the impulse or pull my hair out. Shrugging to myself, I scooted to the center of the bed, but turned so that I was parallel to the headboard instead of perpendicular to it. I then sighed, satisfied. This improved my view a great deal. I was now facing the window, able to see straight through it to the tree without any obstructions. Even the crows weren't out tonight. It was only me and mother nature.
I had just closed my eyes and got fairly comfortable when I heard the door open and close. The quiet footsteps made their way over to the chair which now, because of where I was laying, was right above my head. Trowa sat down in the chair and stilled. That action made me nervous because he knew I wasn't asleep, yet I felt his eyes on me. "Trowa, what is it?"
For a few seconds he just sat there, not giving away any indication that he heard me. I waited patiently, trying to determine whether he was asleep or not willing to talk. A simple ‘I don't feel like talking Quatre' would make too much sense. "Trowa–"
"I love you Quatre," he said without hesitation. "I love you so much it's immeasurable, even by God. He can't possibly love you as much as I do."
I had to shut my mouth because I was ready to scream. My heart nearly erupted out of my chest. He loved me! He said so himself! "Trowa–"
"I didn't want to though," he continued, acting as if he didn't hear me. I knew he did, but I also knew he was going to say something that was taking a lot of effort to say. So I chose to remain quiet. "I tried hard to fight it, giving myself excuses why I shouldn't, but I can't lie to myself. Not anymore."
I heard him lean forward, and my eyes closed involuntarily when he cupped the side of my face with his palm. "I am so sorry for all of the pain I caused you. An apology is not enough I know, but I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you. I just...didn't want to make the same mistake again. Not like I did with her."
My eyes snapped open at the mention of ‘her.' Who was HER?!
"I will never forget her as long as I live. Her name was Middie. Middie Une," he continued, answering my mental question. "I found her one day returning from a mission and almost killed her. Almost. I'm not sure why I didn't to this day. Maybe it was because she was alone like I was, but that doesn't matter anymore. The thing was...I cared for her. Loved her possibly, and she betrayed me. I didn't kill her even then. She told me she loved me, only she hated empty guys like me, and I was as empty as they came."
I heard him snort softly, but remained quiet waiting for the rest of the story. He has never said anything about his past to me, and I wanted to hear it all. "But she had a home to go home to, unlike me. She had a name and a family. She had an identity. I thought I'd never have those things until I met you." He started to comb his fingers through my hair. I relaxed under the soothing motions. "The sound of your voice pulled me out of Heavyarms, and the sight of you made me feel things I had never felt before. Not even for Middie." He ran his fingers through my hair one last time before he started to graze the skin of my neck with his fingertips. "It was all your doing Quatre. You didn't see me as empty, only as a fellow pilot who was fighting for what he believed in. You knew me as Trowa, not as a nameless soldier." He exhaled a deep breath. "And being near you felt like a home. I couldn't believe I found everything I wanted and needed in one person."
"Do you think of her often?" I asked, curious about Trowa's first love.
"I try not to. I'm sure she's dead by now. You know what kind of traitors the alliance and OZ were." I closed my eyes in a quick, silent prayer. He was definitely right about that. "I just don't want to remember her how I saw her last. I want to remember her as the person who was trying to get me to come out of the shell I built around myself."
Now for the question that has plagued me for an entire year. "Why did you tell me you never wanted to see me again?"
Trowa removed his hand from my neck and fisted both of his hands in the sheets beside my head. "Because I was afraid."
I opened my eyes and looked up to the ceiling. "Afraid? Of what?"
"Of not being able to take care of you. I was...afraid that I couldn't be the man you would need me to be. I work at a circus, and you're the head of Winner Enterprise. What could I possibly do for you that you can't do for yourself? You deserve better than me."
"Don't you think that's for me to decide?" I interrupted, a little hurt. Was this all about money? "Trowa, I'm the wealthiest person in space. There is nothing anyone can really do for me financially, but that's not what I'm asking for. What I wanted, and still want, is you. I can't love myself the way I need to be loved, and I don't want to raise my son by myself. I need you to help me with that. There are many things I can't do for myself. Don't you see that?"
My question was met with silence. I didn't know what else to say to get through to him that I wanted him and only him. What else could I say?
His hands were still clenched tightly into the sheets on the bed beside my head. Not knowing what else to do, I turned and kissed the inside of his wrist. I heard him take a sharp deep breath, so I did it again, and then again.
"Quatre, what are you doing?"
I answered his question with another kiss. Even as he asked, I felt his other hand let go of the blankets and palm my cheek again before it roughly ran down my neck and under my shirt, over my chest. I gasped and arched my back when he brushed my nipple, loving the sensation and wanting it again. As if sensing this, he repeated the motion, then ran his hand all the way down my stomach, digging his nails into my skin on his way back up. I reached up, managing to get my hand between his thighs, trying to touch his skin through his jeans.
"God I've always wanted to touch you," he whispered hotly under his breath as both of his hands started to roam all over me.
"And I've always wanted to kiss you," I whispered, tilting my head back to see him. I haven't looked at him since he came into the room. But now our eyes were inches apart, where I could see his pupils so dilated that his eyes were nearly black.
"I...can't," he said, his hands tightening their hold on me. "He'll hurt you if I get too close. I shouldn't be touching you now as it is."
"He's been hurting me," I said back, the desperation mounting in my voice. "He's been hurting me even before I saw you again. At least I want to get something out of the pain I had to endure." Before he managed to say anything else, I pulled his head down and kissed him. It was interesting for our first kiss, us being positioned as if one of us were upside down and all, but it was...indescribable. It was sweeter and better than anything I have ever known.
In half the time it took to blink Trowa was on top of me, trying to cover my entire body with his hands. His kisses were harsh and desperate, but so were mine. He used his tongue to pry my mouth open, but I allowed the intrusion. He nearly unhinged my jaw with the force, bruising my lips from the pressure, but I welcomed it. Anything he wanted from me he could have, and anything he wanted me to do I would do. If he wanted me to turn myself inside out it would've been done. I would do anything at all for him. I wanted him to understand that from my kiss. And I understood from his that he would die for me again and again, even if it was something I might want. He would willingly be my slave.
We broke away from the kiss, both of us in serious need for air. While trying to catch our breaths, Trowa held me tight with one arm as he caressed my cheek with his free hand, staring at me so intensely I thought he would swallow me with his eyes.
"Do you remember that night Quatre, when you and Relena were outside arguing, and you walked away to stand on the pond and watched the sky?" I managed a very weak nod. "Well, I stood there for a while and just stared at you. The way the moon reflected off of your face, with the snow sitting on top of your head and my clothes hanging loosely off of you...you were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and I don't think anything will ever rival that image."
A tear started to run down my cheek at Trowa's words. He brushed it away quickly with his thumb as he bent down to kiss me...
The fire in the fireplace, with a loud puff of air, blew out.
The room was enveloped in darkness so quickly that it couldn't have been natural. Trowa flipped himself off of me, trying to protect me yet find a candle at the same time. I stayed on the bed, lying down to let him have control of the situation. I was also scared of the quiet. I didn't hear anything, and then I remembered that the crows weren't out tonight. Usually, if I didn't see them I would at least hear them flapping their wings, squawking at each other or they would occasionally fly onto the gutter or tap at the window. There was always some noise or movement. Right now there wasn't any.
Trowa carefully slid off of the bed and found the candle, using the matches next to it to light it. Once there was some light in the room, I sat up and looked around to see if anything had changed. It hadn't. I turned to Trowa to grace him with what I hoped would be a sexy smile when a sharp pain spread throughout my jaw and down the left side of my body. Automatically, my right hand clutched at my chest as I started to pant heavily, trying to catch my breath and stop the pain from spreading.
Immediately Trowa was by my side, forcing me down on the bed and trying frantically to keep me focused on him. "Quatre, Quatre what is it? What's wrong? Shit!" I could vaguely hear him calling for Heero over the sound of my breathing, and the spasming of my jaw and chest only added to my discomfort. I didn't understand what was happening, but I was sure that whatever it was would probably kill me.
"Don't try to talk," he said as Heero and Wufei bolted through the door.
"Move back Trowa. I can't help him if you don't let him go." Trowa did as Heero told him, but I felt a very deep chill run through my body when he released me. Heero was trying to make me lie still so that he could find out what was wrong with me, but all I wanted was for Trowa to hold me again.
Wufei had had it at this point, and jumped onto the bed, shoving Heero out of his way as he pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around me. As he held me, the pain slowly started to disappear and my breathing was becoming calmer. After about ten minutes, the pain was totally gone, but it left me out of breath with sore muscles. A few more moments after that, I was feeling coherent enough to understand that more than likely, this was Krahe's doing. I could see Duo and the girls in the doorway, with Heero sitting on the bed, Trowa standing next to him while I laid in Wufei's arms. I tried to get my jaw to work to ask what was going on. Why was Duo looking at me with tears in his eyes? Why was Trowa keeping his distance?
"Tro–" I tried again, but my throat now felt more raw than anything else. Strained even.
"Oh God!" Duo wailed from the doorway. He started to come towards me when Heero jumped off the bed and grabbed him, pinning him against the wall. Duo, being unhelpful when he wants to be, started to punch and slap Heero. "Let me go damnit!"
"Duo stop! You aren't helping him!" Trowa grabbed Duo's flailing hands, holding them above his head against the wall. "You know it's not a good idea to be so close!"
"Didn't you hear him screaming?!" Duo was openly crying now. "You had to! You were in here with him. God, he sounded like he was being murdered!"
I was screaming? I don't remember. I remember trying to call for Trowa, but that was it. I tilted my face up to see Wufei, to find out what exactly happened. I didn't get the chance to ask. Wufei looked down at me, laid me on the bed, and touched the pressure point at the back of my neck to render me unconscious. I immediately blacked out, but I remember my last thought being that that was very forceful of Wufei. He wouldn't do something like that to me without extreme reasoning. Something must be terribly wrong. What was happening to me?
Tell me please! I don't understand!