|The page you are looking for is currently
unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to
adjust your browser settings, but most likely you're a complete dipshit. You tell your
friends you've been online since '94, but Mr. "I've been on the net for 5 years"
seems to call me a lot at 2 am in the morning and asking what settings you need to put in
your outlook express to get your @home e mail, or how do I send something in icq? My
favorite moments from you and your friends are when you send me the "I love you
virus" or the e mails I get with the jokes that are so not fucking funny I wanna snap
your neck like a twig. No I'm not your personal Microsoft hotline, and when I go to your
place for dinner, please dont ask me if I could "Just take a look at something"
you've been having trouble with. The next time you tell me you pride yourself on how much
you've learned about computers over the years, just know that I'm thinking
"Bullshit" over and over in my mind ya prick.
Please try the following you complete idiot:
Your Hot Picture" . You are not even HALF as smart as you think
you are pal. Once again, a reminders to click the Tools menu, I swear, there will
be a picture of you in there somewhere, and then click Internet Options. Yours are
limited since you just now realized that not only is your wife cheating on you, but some
15 year old kid in Miami just bought the entire Eminem music library on cd AND dvd and
charged it to your credit card.
- Click the Refresh button, but dont call me, I'm
sick of helping your ass when you don't get it. I'm not the fucking "best friend help
- If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that
it is spelled correctly. Knowing you it's spelled wrong. In fact I guarantee it's wrong. I've seen you mispell the word "the".
- To check your connection settings, jiggle the cable. Stick a fork
in the ram, or put a q tip in the fan at the back of your pc while it's on and get a face
full of dust. I bet you did that already though didn't you? And you just don't want to
admit it. click the Tools menu, there should be a picture of you since you ARE a Tool
and then click Internet Options, now enter your visa or mastercard information in
your digital signature, don't forget your expiry date, and send me an e mail. Thanks pal,
I'll get an extra dvd for you from amazon.com with your credit card. On the Connections
tab, click Settings. The settings should match those provided by your local area
network (LAN) administrator or Internet service provider (ISP). Chances are you're using
AOL anyway.. and they can't get their head out of their ass, but they can say hi to you
since your head is planted firmly in the same ass.
- If your Network Administrator has enabled it, Microsoft Windows can examine
your network and automatically discover network connection settings. Hell Microsoft can
examine everything you do, they can even SEE you right now sitting there with your pen in
your ear or smelling your finger . Miscrosoft is at this very moment secretly connected to
your computer and downloading all the information you have stored in it and watching you
like a fat kid watches a friend eat a chocolate bar. Big brother? I think Bill Gates would
have given even George Orwell nightmares.
If you would like Windows to use your identity to apply for a blockbuster card so they can
keep a copy of Hackers for 3 weeks, then click Detect Nitwit Settings.
You know all those mp3's and that porn that you cleverly hid in your c:\windows directory to fool your husband, wife, boss, or
even your parents? Not only do they see it, they are making copies of it for personal use.
Remember that firewall isn't going to protect you, THEY fucking made it.
- Some sites require 128-bit connection security. But that's all a
really really bad joke being played on you. The word "security" and
"internet" shouldn't be in the same sentence. Right now you visa number is on
about... 2,500 different websites. Not to mention your private e-mail is being handed out
to more porn spammers than the number of times AOL tried to give you ONE MONTH FREE on a
cd in the back of your favorite magazine.
- If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure your Security
settings can support it. A reminder for those of you who have your feet up and a grin on
your face as you read this, if you're looking at porn, and I know you are, your wife
pretends she doesn't know shit, but she checks the history and the temporary internet
folders while you're in the bathroom reading your magazine for 26 minutes. She knows what
you're doing. Don't even feel confident she doesn't. Wanna know why she doesn't mention
it? Because now she is justified in having that affair on icq with some guy name Raul. But
here is the funny part Mr. Wizard, SHE knows how to delete her logs and history and
pretend she doesn't know how "this internet thing works but wants to learn".
You're on the way to the couch after you "turn on the computer for your baby"
while she just wants to surf the Martha Stewart website, but the second you leave the
room, she's checking her 15 hotmail accounts for
I would like to add ladies, if you think that was funny, wait until you find
out how many times your boyfriend/husband has pretended to be a lesbian so he could talk
to other lesbians on mIRC when you went to bed early. Chances are the other
"Lesbian" was some middle aged guy named Norman who lives in a trailer in Salt
Lake City. Not only is he balding and wearing a T shirt that says "Hard Rock Cafe
Vegas" but the only other thing he's wearing besides a shit eating grin is a pair
of underwear that's older than a 1977 penny. Also ladies, take a good look at the
mouse your holding right now, you might want to get a wet cloth and some anti bacterial
soap. Men don't know how to use hotmail because they can't even remember what they had for
lunch today, so there is no way they can recall some obscure password, god forbid. But
remember a couple weeks back when he told you in passing about that software he ordered
online that the computer really needed? The same software that he ordered on the visa?
Well that "software" is actually a subscription to the personal webcam homepage
for a playboy model at www.trishcampbell.com
Wheee isn't this fun? Learning about your mate? I just can't get enough.
Click the Back button to try another life, cause you
obviously just can't seem to get the hang of this one. Good luck. Quit your job and move
to Mexico... oh and that grinding noise your hard drive is making right now... isn't me
erasing your c:/ drive. Honest. Oh wow, is this YOU in c:/Temp/me.jpg