Forever.

What is forever, when it is nothing more than a seven letter word? It is just a meaningless word, but still, it’s the one word that taunts me, from the very beginning of my existence. No, forever does not exist, not when I am sitting here, caressing you. Not when you are not responding to me, not when it is like this.

I feel my eyes water, and I try to fight back the tears. No, I will not cry. Schuldich never cried. I refuse to…but still, the tears form and fall onto my hand, my dirty hands, hands contaminated by the blood and the soul of those that I kill.

It’s strange to feel these emotions, this…sorrow. No, I haven’t felt this much sadness, not since…not since mother left us, abandoned us for another man.

Forever.

It is nothing but a lie, this word. Mother said the same thing. Oh how she had said it, with that cheerful smile of hers and that sparkle in her eyes, that she’d stay with us, forever. And it had Eliza and I believing. Oh yes it did. But what happened? Did forever stay? No. Forever was just a short span of time, more like 2 years, and then she was gone.

But the sad thing was that, she didn’t just leave. No, she with all her unsurpassed greed, took away my everything with her. She took my happiness, snatched away my love, and the blind hope that I had for us three to be happy, just like we were before father died. Ah but that wasn’t enough for her, no. She drove Eliza to madness, breaking her fragile heart…thus killing her.

I laughed bitterly.

Forever.

I stopped believing in that word long ago, when I found my dear sister lying on her single bed, bleeding to death from the jagged cuts on her wrist. I tried, God knows how hard I tried to save her. But no, God decided to turn a deaf ear on me, and all I could do was just stay by her side. I waited and waited but the ambulance never came. So there I was, watching Eliza slowly slip away from me, and not being able to do anything about it.

I died that day, along with her. No, more like Christopher died, along with the innocence and naiveté that he had once possessed. And now, there’s only Schuldich, the guilt that comes along with everything that was sinful.

And so, I learned to become what I was. Guilty.

I sighed.

Forever.

Now I finally understand how Farfarello feels. Now I understand why he hates God so much. I hate Him too, just not to the extreme of losing myself to Him. No. That is one fault that I will not commit. He may own me when His so-called Judgement Day comes, but for now, here on earth, I am my own man. This soul belongs to me and I do what I want with it. Never again am I going to listen to His pack of lies, oh no.

Farfarello and I know that His word is nothing but venomous lies. I refuse to believe all this talk about eternal life after death. What is eternity when we do not know about it? Why promise us something that we know nothing of, why a kingdom that is not within our reach? And all this suffering, all this pain that I see around me, that hurts me to the core…what is this all about?

I looked at the huge gold-encrusted crucifix bearing down on you, my dearest beloved.

Ah, how the Lord pretends to show his sympathy. How He pretends to show that He cares, when in reality…He doesn’t. If He did, all this would never have happened. You and I wouldn’t be here now if He did at least show a little bit of concern towards us humans.

He turned away from me when I needed Him the most and so, I shall do the same. It’s amazing how Farfarello and I came to the same conclusion. I guess we share this common bond between us because we both have been through the pain of being deserted by those that we love and trust most.

And I vowed to myself to never again love or trust anyone. That was a promise I made, one that I intended not to break, not ever. But once again, I am guilty of the faults in me. I met you, and that was to be my downfall…no, not I alone, but ours.

Once again, that word broke everything that was me.

Forever.

I wiped at the tears that refuses to stop flowing and looked up at the stained glass on the ceiling of the cathedral. The gathering of Angels with wings as white as snow, they wear their mask of sympathy as they looked down on you and me. It was as if they too were mourning for us, the lost children of the Lord.

Yes, we are two souls, lost in this vast sea of souls, and no one can guide us back to the road of righteousness. No, we are condemned, not only by our Lord, but also our Maker himself.

Ah, beautiful Maria the virgin, dearest mother of God. Will you save us, since that your son has abandoned us? Can you save us when we are the very essence of sin?

I weep again, the recollections of our time together flooding my brain mercilessly, making me remember every little thing that we did.

Forever.

Why did you had to say it? Why? I bent my head down, my hands cupped my face, trying in vain to conceal the shame. No, I couldn’t face you. I played you like a boy with his new toy. I’ve cheated on you, cheated on him. And I alone pushed you to the extreme of challenging my dirty-blond lover to a duel, one that ended with a bitter end on both our part.

Dearest beloved, please forgive me.I have caused you nothing but pain and yet…you were still there for me in my times of need, comforting me with sweet words of love. I still remember how you struggled with your dying breath to say those words. "I’ll be here for you, forever."

Oh, how selfish I am to use you like that. And it’s true what they say, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. And now I’m regretting every minute of my petty existence. But regretting now changes nothing. It’s too late. You’re still lying motionless in front of me.

I cried.

Open your eyes, beloved. Please…do this for me, just this once. I’m begging you, please don’t torture me, not like this. Please, let me see those beautiful mocha-coloured eyes of yours again.

But I know all this pleading is in vain. Your heart has stopped beating a long time ago, and your soul has left us for a far more better place than this wretched and corrupted world that we live in. Maybe you’ll find someone better there, someone far more worthy of your love than a heartless whore like me.

I ran my hand through the silky strands of your raven hair, letting them slip pass my fingers like falling rain. You look so serene, like you were taking a nap, yes, a long nap. I pressed my lips to yours, feeling the coldness of it against my warm ones.

Yes, maybe it is best this way. Sleep, my love, and let not this evil surrounding us touch you again. You are pure and lovely, even as you lie in your eternal slumber. Yes, love, sleep now.

Forever.

I took out the Magnum from it’s holster and looked at it, it’s weight heavy in my hand. I looked at you again. Somehow, for the past hours, just us two together, I can’t seem to take my eyes off of you. It was as if I finally came to realise the beauty that you possessed. But I’m never going to have my chance to tell that to you now, am I?

I sighed again.

Dearest beloved, forgive me once again for the things that I’ve done, for the pain that I have put you through. I was blind not to see the love that you had for me, and I am sorry. All that I have is this.

I lifted the gun to my head, and pressed the cold metal against my forehead. A life for a life. My finger began to press lightly on the trigger.

I only hope that we meet again in some other place, maybe in some other time, so that I can say it to you face to face, that I am sorry. But if we don’t, then please know that I love you. I always did, and I always will…

Forever.

*flash*