Akiri posts again!! Be afraid!! Be very very afraid!! Erm.....better stop myself before I sound like Tomo ^^;;. Erm so....here's the next part to Zutto. May seem very rushed 'cause, *someone* has been rushing me a lot lately. *Someone* who hasn't posted Rush Rush yet!! Lol, j/k....I just wanted to get this done so I could work on my other fics....um....so here! Disclaimers: I don't own GW!! Warnings: LEMON!! , yaoi, language, TWT, angst...erm....and some others I don't remember ^^;; Fic Dedication: I dedicate the lemon to Jessi!! Wait no....the lemon sucks ( So much for a good first time....) so, I'll dedicate this whole chapter to Jessi!! (Though it's not much better off than the lemon.....^^;;) Zutto ~Always~ 3/? ~*~*~*~*~* Duo ran as fast as his legs could carry him, tears still streaming down his face. They blurred his vision, he didn't even know where he was going. He didn't care, he let his legs carry him where ever they wanted to carry him. He just knew he had to get away from those shocked ebony eyes. Anywhere, anywhere but back there. He stopped running. He had arrived at his destination, whatever that was. He opened the door and looked inside. His room. Of course, where else? He slipped inside, shutting it quietly. He leaned against the wood and slid slowly down. God, only loved him as a friend? He should have known, He was the God of Death. No one could love Shinigami. Besides, Wufei was better off not loving him, all the people that loved him died. His parents, Solo, Sister Helen, Father Maxwell, the whole church. They had all died because they loved him. It was all his fault. If they hadn't loved him, cared about him, they would still be alive. It was all his fault. If it wasn't for him, they wouldn't be dead. All his fault.......his fault......Duo slowly got up from his spot on the floor and walked towards his desk. He opened the first drawer and looked at it. The object he had been looking for. He let his hand run over the surface, fingering the cold black metal. He hesitantly picked it up, still staring at it. They had all died because of him. Because of him. Because of Shinigami. He had killed them. He had killed them by letting them get close, letting them into his life. He had sworn he wouldn't make that mistake again. But he had failed. He had done the most foolish thing possible. He had gone and fallen in love. But it was too late for regrets now, Wufei was too important to him now. He couldn't let him die also. There was only one other option. He let the tip touch his chest. The tears were pouring, overflowing onto his cheeks. It was time to initiate the final act. He was sick of watching the ones he loved die one after another. He would not be the cause of anymore deaths. No innocent life would be sacrificed because of him anymore. No, not anymore. Just one pull, one simple pull of the trigger and it would all be over. All the suffering, all the pain, it would all end. Just one pull........ He was interrupted by a knocking at the door[1]. Surprised, he dropped the gun on his bed. Looking up, he felt an unknown feeling wash over him. Who could it possibly be? Then he heard the familiar soft rich tenor through the door. Wufei. Of course. He forgot the others were out on missions. Duo sighed, the Chinese youth was the last person he wanted to see right now. But he still replied as he wiped the tears away from his eyes. He kept his voice as controlled as possible. He couldn't let Wufei know how emotional he was. He would just be disappointed in him. A soldier was not supposed to be emotional, he did not let his emotions and thoughts get in the way of his mission. Then it hit him. The emotion he felt before was relief. He had felt relieved that he didn't do it. He had been glad for interruption. God, how much of a coward could he be? Oh, and the irony of it. He was a afraid to die. Shinigami was afraid of death. That was impossible, he *was* death. Duo was brought out of his reverie by the soft shutting of the door. He looked up and plastered on his trademark grin. "Hey Wu!! Can I help you with something?" he asked as if everything was perfectly normal. Wufei frowned, "Duo.......I'm.....I'm sorry about what I said befo—" He stopped abruptly when he spotted the gun still on Duo's bed. His eyes darted from the gun to Duo. "What were you going to do with that?" he asked calmly. Duo thought as he cursed at himself for the impossibly foolish slip. He thought desperately for a believable excuse and came up with nothing. "N.....nothing......I was j.....just—" "Tell me the truth, Maxwell. What the fuck were you trying to do with that gun?" he said, his voice still chillingly calm but a brief flash of anger could be seen in his onyx eyes. "I.....I w.....Iwastryingtokillmyself," Duo blurted out [2]. "Why?!" was Wufei's immediate reaction. Duo's head snapped up and anger flashed dangerously in his eyes. "Why? Why?! Do you have any idea how much guilt I feel?! Everyone that loved me, cared about me, everyone that I loved died! It would be better if I—" Wufei's hand connected with Duo's cheek in a painful slap. "Kisama!", Wufei yelled, his voice raw with emotion and his eyes brimming over with his own tears. "How could you be so selfish?! Did you ever think of all the people that care about you now?! Did you ever even take the time to consider how they would feel, how *we* would feel?! You think that you were doing it for them, but the truth is, the only person you were doing this for was yourself! You were too much of a coward to face your problems, your pain, your guilt! Guess what, Duo? *All* of us feel guilt! All of us have killed people, by accident or on purpose! We all feel the same amount if not more guilt! But we face it! We live with our problems and pain. Don't you think we have guilt also? Don't you think *I* have guilt? I watched my whole fucking colony explode right in front of my fucking face! I just *watched* as every person, every thing that I had ever known disintegrated. Every fucking second of every fucking day, I wonder if I had been a little faster, a little stronger, maybe I would have been able to save them. But I wasn't and I didn't.....I just survived. But I kept living, kept on living knowing that I had killed my whole colony because of my incompetence. All the guilt I feel in one day is more than you will ever feel in your whole lifetime! Every night, I can't sleep because the face of every innocent I killed, caused the death of comes back to haunt me. So don't you *ever* fucking talk about guilt until you've experienced what I've experienced!" For the first time, Duo Maxwell, Shinigami, was *truly* afraid. He had never see Wufei this angry. Oh sure, he had seen the pilot of Shenlong pissed off before but he had never seen him *really* angry before. And frankly, he was not looking forward to a next time. As abrupt as Wufei had exploded, he started walking towards the door. Once he got there, he placed his hand on the knob and gave a whisper, his hoarse from yelling, "I'm disappointed in you, Maxwell. I thought you were stronger than this.....I guess I was wrong." The faint shutting of the door could be heard over the soft sobs of the American pilot. ~*~*~*~*~*~* I can hear the faint shutting of the door. The tears in my eyes are renewed as I think over what Wufei had just said. What's wrong with me? It seems that the only thing I'm able to do today is cry. And yet, I can't help but wonder what these tears are for. I think partially because what he had said, it *hurt*. If it were coming from someone else, I wouldn't have minded so much. But they weren't, they were coming from Wufei. He was the one that had called me a coward. He was the one who had called me selfish. But.....but I think the main reason for my tears is because......what he had said, the words that hurts me so much......they were right. They couldn't be more right, and I know it. He wasn't insulting me, he was telling me the truth. That's what hurts the most. The truth. I *am* selfish. I *am* a coward. I didn't think about all the people that care about me. Quatre, Trowa, even Heero. And......and......Wufei. He had said he loved me only as a friend. Isn't that enough? Isn't it enough that he thinks of me as his friend, loves me for it? How ironic I didn't think of them......him, when I t......tried to kill myself. I was wallowing in so much self-pity that I didn't notice those around me. I didn't realize that they would be sad, devastated even, if I died. I really should apologize. I didn't think he would have such a big reaction. Now I realize, I had had a much softer life than him. Sure, everyone that I loved in my past died. But......but his *whole* colony died. His *colony*. I really admire him......If that happened to me I don't think I would be able to live with it. But he did. He is so much stronger than the rest of us, so much stronger than me. He always claimed to be the strongest, the best.......now I see the truth in those words. I have to apologize.....but not now. I need some time alone, *he* some time alone. It seems like all his pain, his memories resurfaced at once. He needs some time alone. ~*~*~*~*~*~* Wufei lied on his bed as he listened to the calming rhythmic pattering of the rain and the low rumbles of thunder, it helped him sort his thoughts, especially the ones of his previous actions. He shouldn't have exploded like that. Had the elders taught him nothing? He was supposed to be calm and collected at all times. No, he shouldn't have erupted like that. He was taught to be better than that. He shouldn't have let his emotions get the better of him. It was just that what Duo said, it struck a chord within him, it made something in him burst. What did he know about guilt? Who was he to talk about the subject? Who was he to say that his guilt was at the unbearable point where the only option was to suicide when his guilt was such a small amount compared to Wufei's own? Did he know how it felt to have his wife die in his arms, knowing that she died to save the colony, something he couldn't do? Knowing that he failed as a husband, that he was so weak that he couldn't even protect his own wife? Did he know how it felt to have everything he had ever known disappear in front of his eyes? To just watch, knowing that he was the cause of millions of innocent people's death, just because he wasn't fast enough, strong enough to save them? No, he didn't think so. Oh, he knew that Duo had had a horrible past. What it was, he didn't know. All he knew was, no matter how horrible, how dreadful his past was, it could never match his own. But despite that fact, he still had to apologize. He would not let the elders be disappointed in him. He would not let their teachings go to waste. He would apologize......soon. Not now. The emotions were still too strong, the memories too fresh. Soon......