Disclaimer: I don't own GW.... Warnings: Angst, yaoi implications
Rating: PG 13 (I think....-_-;;)
Zutto ~Always~ 1/?
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I don't know exactly when I fell for him. Maybe it was as far back as when I first met him, when I first saw his dark ebony eyes, his silky black hair tied back in a ponytail. When I first heard his soft rich voice speak and tell me and Trowa to stop fighting, that it was pointless. Or maybe it was when I first saw him doing his katas at night, so fluent, so smooth, so...beautiful. I don't know when it was that I fell for him, but the point is, I fell. I fell *hard*.
I'm surprised it took me that long to realize it. I'm smart, I catch on fast, no matter how I act to contradict that fact, it's true, I'm smart. So why had it took me so long to realize it? Why had it took me so long to figure out why I always had this ache, this longing and...and this worry when he was away one of his missions? Well, I guess it wasn't that I couldn't catch on, it was the fact that I wouldn't accept it. I wouldn't face the facts.
When I was on one of my own missions, I would always tell myself I have to live. No matter how much I hated my life, how much it kept on getting to me, no matter how much I wanted to press that self-destruct button, I had to live. Just so I could see his face again, just so I could hear his smooth tenor. But then I would tell myself that it wasn't him that I would miss, it was all the pilots.
But now I know, now I know the truth. Now I know that I was denying my feelings all those times I said that it wasn' for him, it was for all of them. Or when I said loved Heero, not him. But I can't
deny it anymore, I've fallen too deep to deny it. In fact, I find myself falling deeper and deeper for him everyday.
I just wish I could tell him. So I could at least tell the truth for once. Yes, I remember my motto, "Duo Maxwell, runs, hides but never lies." Yeah right, even that is a lie. My whole life is a lie. Every time I smile, every time I crack a joke, every time I say I'm ok, I'm lying. Because I'm
not, I'm not ok. Everyday I have battles to fight, and I’m not talking about with my Gundam.
I’m talking about the battles in my mind that rage every second of every day. The battles that I have to fight myself, the battles that my precious Deathscythe can’t help me with. The battles I always lose. They never see the real me, they never see the constant turmoil I feel, all they see is the mask. The mask of joy, of happiness. But that’s what they need. They are all too depressed.
They need someone to lighten the mood, someone easy-going, someone with not a care in the world. That’s why I always have my mask, why I always have it safely in place. It hardly ever slips anymore, sure once in a while I crack, but not as often as it did in the beginning. The beginning when I first made the mask, when I first plastered on a smile. Yes, it started with a smile, but now it’s so different from the real me that nobody would be able to recognize me without my mask.
And yet, I used it for so long that I can’t even tell the difference anymore. Was I ever truly happy or was that always just the mask? When I said that, was that the real me or was it the mask? I don’t know anymore, the mask has become my life.
But I’m not sure I can keep it up anymore. Lately, I’ve noticed that this normally secure mask is starting to slip. I haven’t been talking that much anymore, I’ve frowned a lot more than I used to, I’ve had urges to cry when I’m alone in my room at night. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is,
if I don’t tell someone, if I don’t share this with anyone, I’ll soon go insane.
I want to tell him. I want to tell him that I love him, I want tell him my past, I want him to tell me his. Because I know that he too has a mask, all the pilots do. His is one of the most serious, along with mine. I want to crack it, I want to see the real him, not the justice-ranting Nataku-worshipping pilot everyone sees.
The one that has too much self-confidence and belittles women. Because, something tells me he’s scared, just as scared as the rest of us. I will tell him.
"Ne, Wufei?" That’s all I can manage. I can see him looking up at me with those velvet eyes of his. The ones I can drown in. Now I just feel like running away, just feel like running away and watching him without his noticing forever. But I can’t. I have to do this.
I have to tell him. He nods, telling me to go on. I try to swallow the lump that’s growing larger and larger in my throat. "I..."
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Too bad that someone isn’t me. No, they don’t need the real me. They can’t handle another depressed person. It would make them all crack, every single one of them, even Quatre.