Hello, sweet, innocent children! I am the magical fairy-narrator, here to tell you a lovely magical story. This story, despite spoiling your sweet innocence, will teach you valuable morals which are very important if you want to grow up an honest person who works for each hard-earned penny.
    Now, this enchanted tale takes place long, long ago, in a faraway land, up over the rainbow...

    There once lived a cruel, ugly queen. Actually, she was very pretty. But the wickedness in her heart spoiled her true beauty like the sun spoils good moist manure. This queen lived in a nasty, rat-infested castle. In physical fact, this castle was really very nice, but the queen's evil thoughts infested it like rats, and her utter nastiness made it nasty.
    The only thing which kept the castle from crumbling into little pieces was the queen's kind-hearted son. Duo lived almost alone in the castle, with only the servant Alphonse to keep him company. His mother avoided him always, and had him feed upon nothing but grass and Coca-Cola, while she herself drank Pepsi. But, still, the boy stayed cheerful, even though the fact that there was nothing to be cheerful about suggested insanity. And he was always kind to others, even though the only other was Alphonse the servant.
    One day, the queen was feeling insecure of herself. Instead of joining a support group, she consulted her magical, mystical mirror. This mirror sat on her wall, hence her magic phrase, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall..."
    The mirror woke up. He or she didn't have a face, but he or she snorted and groaned so as to make it very obvious that he or she was waking up.
    The queen continued chanting to him or her. "Who's the fairest one of all?"
    The mirror spoke, his or her voice clear and neutral, "Here, I shall show you the one."
    At this the queen opened her eyes wide. Usually, he or she would simply say "You are, my dear queen."
    A picture appeared in the place where the mirror's face, if he or she had had one, would have been. It started out fuzzy, then became clearer and clearer until all she could see was the wall behind it. Annoyed at the horrid pun, she pounded the mirror's would-be face with her fist. A face, someone else's, appeared in the mirror, clear in a way that meant not that it was transparent, but that you, if you had been there, which is a good thing you weren't, would have been able to see the picture rather easily. And what you would have seen was a picture of Duo, her own son.
    "But!" stammered the queen, "A boy! My boy!"
    The mirror began it's lecture in a rather monotone voice, "True, you are, on the outside, much fairer than he. But this boy is nice and kind, and posses true inner beauty, so he is, at heart, the fairest one of all."
    "Enough of that–" the queen began, ending her sentence with a word that you should all cover your ears before I say... there you go? All covered? "–bullshit! How could he- a BOY!- be fairer than I?!"
    The mirror shook his or her picture angrily. "Try not to be gender-specific."
    The queen was very annoyed, and hit the mirror hard in his or her glass middle, so that he or she shattered into many little pieces in the way glass does when you hit it. This was not a very money-wise descision on her part, for surely the mirror could have fetched quite a sum at auction.
    The queen was now very angry. She was very vain and wanted to be the fairest of all, no matter what it took. And, since she had very few anger-management skills, she immediately summoned her servant Alphonse, by yelling "Alphonse!" very, very loudly.
    At some point that morning, Alphonse came up to the queen's chamber to find her sitting on a chair, tapping her food impatiently.
    "Breakfast," he said, holding a tray in his arms.
    "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?" The queen yelled, even though we all know that yelling is very impolite.
    "Um," Alphonse stuttered, "Breakfast is always at this time of day."
    "I CALLED YOU AN HOUR AGO!"
    "Oh," said Alphonse, "I didn't hear you. I was out playing some medieval-type sport with your son Duo." He smiled, "You know, Duo is quite the nice, kind-hearted, innerly FAIR-"
    "Ahem," the queen interrupted irritably, "That is precisely why I called you here. You are to..." At this point, the lights dimmed as the thought-rats crawled over them, and scary suspenseful music came from the band which sat outside on the lawn constantly serenading her, and the whole room seemed to hold it's breath. Then she said, in a deep, dark and spooky voice, "...get RID OF DUO!"
    "Gasp!" Gasped Alphonse, dropping the lunch tray. Fortunately it, unlike the mirror, was made of unbreakable plastic.
    "Yes!" The queen said evilly, "You are to take him into the forest, then KILL him! Because I don't want any more blood on the castle guillotine. And, as proof that you killed him, you must bring me back his weenie!"
    "Oh no!" Alphonse breathed, "I can't... I can't do that..."
    "DO IT!" The queen screeched so that her plaid tongue popped straight out from her mouth. Alphonse rushed out of the room, hunched over and stuttering "Yeeesh, mastah..."
    So Alphonse found Duo, who was sitting sweetly on his bed playing a kind-hearted game of tic-tac-toe with himself, using a caring pen and the squares of his nice, friendly quilt.
    Alphonse told Duo that there was a surprise for him in the woods, even though he knew full well that lying is a very bad thing to do. And the sweet, trusting Duo walked with Alphonse deep into the forest.
    But Alphonse loved this little boy Duo, and knew he couldn't possible go through with the plan. So, once they were relatively far from the castle, Alphonse knelt down in front of Duo and told him all that the queen had said.
    "But," Duo said when Alphonse was done talking, tears in his eyes, "I don't want to be killed!"
    "I know," said Alphonse, pulling out a long hunting knife, "It'd be a real shame... but we can cut off your weenie without killing you."
    "AAAH!" Duo screeched, then fainted. Alphonse looked at little Duo, sleeping sweetly on the dirt, and knew that he couldn't possibly do something horribly awful like kill the boy, let alone sever his beautiful weenie. So he sighed, and turned back, leaving Duo behind.
    But, just before he left forever, Alphonse looked back at Duo, and said to himself, "Poor boy, he needs a disguise. No, in fact, he needs a new identity to help him cope with the horrors his evil mother, or likely step-mother, has put him through."
    And with that, he took out the special clothes he always carried with him, and dressed Duo up so that he looked very special indeed. Then he walked away, looking back at Duo in his new clothes with a contented sigh.
    Now, Alphonse didn't want to return to the queen empty-handed. And he didn't want to hurt an innocent lamb to swipe its weenie, because that is a very evil thing to do. So instead of going to the castle, he turned East and made for the next town, where he pursued a successful career in acting. On his first day there he received, as a welcome gift, a very convincing prop which looked exactly like a severed weenie. He immediatly sent it by Express-Pony to the queen.
    Once she received it, she didn't want to touch it or eat it or anything, so, without closer inspection, she threw it onto the lawn for the neighbour's dogs, assuming it was authentic, and that Duo was dead.
    A little while later, back on the path in the forest, Duo woke up, looked down at his bright blue-and-white dress, and yelled "Oh my gosh! He really DID cut off my weenie!"
    He was about to lift his dress to see whether it was really gone, but then sniffed sadly, and decided he couldn't bear the sight.
    So he got up and waddled further into the forest, looking for shelter, and feeling very glad he'd layed off the Coca-Cola that morning.
    After walking for a while, he found a cute little cottage. He walked up to it, and read the big sign on the door that said "The Seven Dwarfs." So he knocked, because he expected them to be kind and hospitable like everyone should be and let him stay there for a while.
    The door was opened by a very, very, VERY short and stocky boy with blond hair. This boy was so short, he only stood slightly higher than Duo's knees. Duo looked inside, and saw another very short boy with sleek black hair pulled back into a ponytail, a regular boy with brown hair and one large bang who stood on his knees, and four lawn gnomes lined up against the wall.
    "Why do you have all those lawn gnomes?" Duo asked immediately, though that wasn't the most polite of first questions. But since he looked like a sweet little girl, he could get away with it.
    "They are not gnomes," said the short boy with blond hair, "They are dwarves. But since you seem like an intelligent sort, I will introduce myself to you. I am Quatre, this," he pointed to the short black-haired boy, "Is Wufei." Then he gestured towards the other boy, who was walking on his knees towards them, "And this is Trowa." The he pointed to each lawn dwarf lined against the wall, "These are Rock, Plasterful, Lumpy and Woody."
    "Oh," said Duo, "I'm Duo. It's very nice to meet you all," he added sweetly, curtseying. He was beginning to get used to being a girl. "I don't have a place to stay," Duo continued, then batted his eyelashes, "Do you think I could stay here for a while?"
    "Hmm..." Quatre said, rubbing his tiny chin, "Do you have any skills?"
    "Well," Duo said, "I am a very sweet little girl and my being here will bring pleasure to you."
    "I'm not sure," Quatre replied thoughtfully, "Whether bringing pleasure to us is a skill. Do you wash-"
    "Heh heh," Trowa interrupted, shifting on his knees, "Well-re-phrased, Quatre! Girl, you can certainly stay here!"
    "Oh, thank you so very much!" Duo cried, then wondered whether he was overdoing the girliness.
    So they brought Duo into their cottage.
    "Well," Wufei said suddenly as soon as the door was closed, "Lunch break is over! Now it's time to get back to the Coca-Cola mines!"
    So Quatre and Wufei each picked up a lawn dwarf from the wall, Trowa picked up two, and they all went walking out the door, singing "Hi Ho! Hi Ho! The caffeine, it will flow!" Or something to that effect.
    "By the way," Quatre yelled back as they left, "Why don't you go organise our vitamin cupboard? We can't reach it ourselves."
    Once they had gone, Duo went to the cupboard and opened it. The first bottle he saw was a tiny bottle of beta-carotene. "Mmm..." He said to himself, and opened the childproof lid. Then he ate one, ate another, and presently had eaten the whole bottle. So he tossed it casually over his should with a shrug, and looked at the next bottle. It was a medium-sized bottle of Vitamin C, orange flavoured of course. So he popped one into his mouth, savoured the delicious orange sensation, and soon enough there were no more left. The next bottle was huge bottle of multi-vitamins. Slobbering, he opened it, and his eyes were met with a rainbow of fruity flavours, if that is possible. So he began working the bottle, popping vitamin after delicious vitamin into his mouth.

    Meanwhile, back at the castle, the queen was again feeling insecure. So she consulted her magic bidet. She looked into it's shiny waters, and said, "Bidet, Bidet, on the floor, if you were human, who would you adore?"
    The bidet's waters at first cringed at the horrid rhyme. Then they shimmered, and showed the picture of a fair girl with a long brown braid and bright blue dress, eating colourful multi-vitamins with iron.
    "That girl..." The queen began, "Looks awfully familiar... Hold on a minute!"
    She rushed over to the window and stared out onto the lawn. The first thing she saw was the fake weenie. It was still lying there, uneaten, in the exact condition it was in on that fateful day when it came to her in the mail. "Aag!" She cried angrily, "It's a fake! That girl is Duo! Duo is alive in disguise! That idiotic, treacherous Alphonse!"
    She looked at the moving picture of Duo. "And, even though he's grown to be a cross-dresser over these past few hours, you still say he is more desirable than me?" She clenched her fists as she stared down angrily into the bidet's water, "So, he likes vitamins, eh?" Then she stood up abruptly, and yelled at the top of her lungs, "I WILL GET RID OF HIM MYSELF!"

    Suddenly, Duo turned over the bottle of vitamins. Though he held it upside down and shook, nothing came out. "Oh no!" He said, "I'm out of vitamins? The dwarfs will be so upset! What can I do?"
    Just then, there was a knock at the door. "Oh no!" Duo said to himself, because if you talk to yourself and no one's there to hear you, it's perfectly acceptable. "It must be the dwarfs! Oh no!" He was about to run and lock himself in the bathroom, then stopped. "Wait a sec... They wouldn't knock on their own door!"
    Realising it must be a guest, he went up to the rounded wooden door and opened it cautiously.
    A woman stood there, with a dark cloak and hood that hid her face. "I am albino," she explained quickly, seeing his inquisitive gaze from under the darkness of her hood, "I can't let sunlight get on my skin or it'll give me an awful sunburn and ruin my fair complexion." She pulled away as Duo bent down to look under her hood. "No!" She cried, "If you look at me the light reflecting off your eyes will burn me!"
    "Oh, sorry..." said Duo, straightening up and smoothing his dress.
    "Now," said the woman, who was of course the evil queen in disguise, "Now, I have a gift for you." She pulled out of her cloak a clear bottle full of pretty-coloured pills.
    "Oh, thank you!" cried Duo, not suspicious in the least, "Now I have more vitamins, the dwarfs won't be mad at me!"
    Then he looked closer at the pretty little pills. "Mmm..." he said, "Why don't I try just one..." He opened the lid and popped a purple one in his mouth.
    "Yuck!" He yelled, "This tasted like sh-" Suddenly, he fell on the floor.
    "Mwa ha ha!" The queen cried as she stepped away, "Now he is DEAD!" and she ran off into the woods.
    It was a good thing he had enough good vitamins to build his resistance against nasty poisons, or else he would have been surely died. But, in fact, the kind-hearted cheerful boy was not dead, but in an enchanted slumber.
    When the dwarfs came home, they opened the door only to see Duo there, lying on the floor, cold and still. They dropped their lawn dwarfs and knelt beside him.
    "Oh no!" Wufei cried, seeing the bottle of vitamins, "She's committed suicide!" He sniffed, "How honourable..."
    "Oh no," Trowa sobbed, "She didn't even get to give me pleasure before she left!"
    The three stared at him, and the four lawn dwarfs stared too. Normally they would have eaten him, but they though it was a shame to waste such beauty. So they put her into a glass coffin they'd been saving for just such an occasion so that they could still see his (or her, they thought) beauty. And they figured he'd look pretty cool after being dead for a while. For those two reasons, they didn't actually bury her, but instead put her glass coffin into a clearing in the woods, planning on visiting it every day to enjoy her beauty while they could, and enjoy her cool-looking skeleton afterwards.
    But they forgot where they put her. So, for several days, Duo slept in his coffin of glass.
    But one day, a handsome prince in tights which looked almost like spandex and wearing a big name tag saying "Heero" came riding into the clearing, chasing after a wild vulture. The vulture flew swiftly into the clearing, landing on the coffin and trying to peck it open. The prince, blinded by his desire to catch the bird, shot an arrow at it. The vulture flew away just in time to avoid the arrow, which bounced off the glass coffin, leaving a big long scratch.
    "Oh no!" He cried, rushing over to the coffin, for he had very good morals, "What have I done! I've ruined someone else's property by scratching it with my arrow!"
    Then he looked down into the coffin. "What is this?" he asked himself, gazing inside, "A glass coffin? What sort of sicko-" Then he looked closer at Duo, who lay sweetly inside. "She looks so... dead... and sweet..." A strange desire overtook him. He lifted the top of the coffin off and heaved it into a bush. Then he looked down at Duo, felt his cold cheek, and sighed. He whispered, "This is all my necrophilic fantasies come true..." as he kissed Duo gently on the lips.
    At the kiss, Duo sat up suddenly, looking around, then up at Prince Heero. "Huh?"
    "Ack!" Yelled the prince. Then he looked at sweet, kind-hearted Duo, who sat on the flat bottom of the coffin in his blue dress. "My..." he said, "You look even prettier when you're alive..." He stopped to think for a moment. "What is your name, little girl?"
    "Hee hee," Duo giggled, looking at his dress and remembering that he was now a girl. "My name's Duo!"
    "Ahh, Duo," said the prince, "Du-o... As I say that heavenly word, my toungue trips on my palate and falls into the soft pool created by my lips..."
    "Uh," Duo asked, "Is that a reference to some bizarre novel I shouldn't be reading?"
    "Shh..." Heero whispered soothingly, then he leaned down and kissed Duo again, and Duo thought to himself, "I'm a boy... but I'm a girl now... and this feels so right." *
    They started kissing really hard. Then the prince did something that I wouldn't recommend you do to someone you met a couple minutes before. He put his hand-- Oh, I'm sorry children, I can't tell you that. I would be betraying my responsability as a moralistic children's narrator.
    Suddenly, Prince Heero yelled "Aack!" as he felt something very bizarre raise itself to press up against Duo's skirt, "You're... you've got..." He jumped away from Duo like he was on fire. Which he wasn't, thank goodness.
    Duo jumped up too, and held his skirt way up in the air, staring down. Back then, no one wore underwear. "My weenie!" He yelled gleefully, "It's there! My weenie's still there! I'm still a boy!" Then he dropped his skirt and gave the prince a big hug.
    Startled, Prince Heero looked down at the cross-dressing boy who hugged him so passionately. And, for some reason, he hugged back. Then, unable to control himself, and even though he knew now that this beautiful girl was really a boy, he kissed Duo again, for a very long time.
    Prince Heero brought Duo back to the castle with him. They had the first gay wedding in royal history, consummated the marriage right in front of everyone, and lived happily ever after.

    Now, children, didn't you enjoy this story? The moral of the story is that if you are kind-hearted and nice you will find true love and live happily ever after, and that Coca-Cola makes you more kind-hearted and nice than Pepsi does. I, for one, enjoyed this story immensely. I'm not called the magical "fairy" narrator for nothing, you know.

Miewth Makes Excuses:
Note: This is my first fanfic ever and likely my only one. It is incredibly ridiculous, took an ridiculously short time to write, the narrator makes pointless comments, and my sister doesn't like it. It is also quite disgusting in an immature way. Also, this is a parody of Snow White. I actually don't really know how the story of Snow White goes. Uh... yeah... And I KNOW this isn't really very Gundam-Wing-ish. But if Duo didn't have long hair this wouldn't really work I suppose...

Heh heh... that's my story... heh heh... It's my first fanfic ever, which means you HAVE to comment, preferably by e-mailing miewth@excite.com. If you don't you'll probably never find out what "bizarre novel" I referenced... (You care. I'm telling you you care.)

And visit my Gundam Wing not-fanfic site while your at it!

Credit goes to Cory for helping to check my spelling. And to my sister for lots of ignored critisism of the theme and story in general.