Zelgadis sipped his tea and glared in the general direction of the Trickster Priest.
Xellos was smiling as he twiddled his thumbs and hummed to
himself. It was a tuneless little ditty, and it was driving Zel insane.
"Will you please stop that?" he snarled.
Xellos's face was a mask of innocence. "Stop what?" He
started up humming where he'd left off.
"Stop humming," Zel replied.
"Why?" Hmm hmm-hmm humm hm mmm...
"Because it's annoying."
Hmm-hmm mm humm-hmm... "Annoying? Really?" Hum
humm mm-hmm hmmm...
Exasperated, Zel stood up, walked over to the Trickster, and
punched him in the jaw. Then he sat back down, picked up his teacup, and took a sip.
Xellos smiled. "That was nice. If I hum some more, will you
do it again?"
Zel rolled his eyes. "You did that just so I'd hit
you?"
Xellos nodded. "Yep!" he said cheerfully.
Zel shook his head. "You really do like pain, don't you?
Sicko."
"And you really like hurting me. So what does that
say about you?" Xellos countered.
Zelgadis opened his mouth for a snappy reply, but nothing came
out. He closed his mouth, then opened it and tried again, and got the same result.
"My, my!" Xellos grinned. "Zelgadis without a
blistering comeback! I'm shocked!" He clutched at his chest and feigned a heart
attack, falling over with his other hand placed dramatically against his forehead.
Zelgadis kicked him in the leg. "Fruitcake."
"There you go, hitting me again. If I didn't know better,
Zelgadis, I'd say you were coming on to me."
Zelgadis turned bright red, like the color a well-done steak
isn't. He did the mouth open-close-open thing once more, with the same success as his
first try.
"Will you shut up?!" he finally managed.
Xellos went SD and began to cry waterfall tears. "You're not
coming on to me, then? Oh, my hopes and dreams are smashed! All the longings of my
midnight fantasies, gone...!"
Zel turned even redder. "'Fantasies'?"
A regular-sized Xellos put his arms around Zel's waist and
snuggled him. "Oh, yes! Do you want to hear about them?"
"No!" Zel tried to pry the Trickster off his waist.
"Get off of me!"
"Okay, I'll tell you then!" said Xellos, who clung with
the tenacity of a barnacle (yes, that's a pun). "My favorite is the one where I tie
you to a bed and strip you, and then I--"
"I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS!" Zel put his fingers in
his ears.
"Oo-kay, how 'bout the one where you chain me to a wall and
then get a leather whip and--"
Zel started to hum loudly, trying to drown out the Trickster's
voice.
"Not that one? Pity, I liked that one. Then what about the
one where I take a bottle of chocolate sauce, a knife, and a blindfold, and I--"
"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!" Zel thwacked him upside
the head a few times, still trying to pry him loose.
"Ooh, Zelgadis, stop it! You're making me horny!"
"You're making me sick!"
Xellos paused. "Does it really bother you so much when I
talk like that?"
"Yes!"
"Why?"
Now Zel paused. He blinked a few times. He blushed a little more,
just for kawaii effect. "Because it's disgusting!" he finally said.
"$ex is disgusting?" Xellos sounded genuinely
surprised.
"Well, not in general," Zel said, "but in
reference to you and me, yes!"
"So you don't want to have $ex with me?"
Zel invented a couple of new shades of red. "No! I thought
that was perfectly clear!"
"Not ever?" Xellos persisted.
"No! Not now, not two weeks from now, not two years from
now, not EVER!"
"Not even a week from next Tuesday?"
"AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Xellos giggled and cuddled a little closer. "Oh, Zelly,
you're so cute when you're angry!"
"I hate you." Zel gave him another useless shove.
"Get the h#ll away from me."
"Give me a kiss, and I'll go away."
"WHAT?!" Zel's blush deepened into the infrared
spectrum. "Are you CRAZY? No way!"
Xellos tightened his grip and buried his face in Zel's chest.
"I guess I'll just stay here then... I bet Amelia and the others would be absolutely thrilled
to see us like this..."
Zel sweatdropped and his eyes bulged. Oh, no! The others could
return at any time! And here he was, with Xellos stuck to him like the leech from
H#ll, snuggling him and purring like a kitten. Great. Just peachy.
"You b@stard," Zel hissed. "I'll kill you..."
"Now, now, Zelgadis, no need for hostility. Just one little
kiss, and I promise I'll never bother you again."
Zel paused. "'Never'?"
Xellos smirked. "Cross my evil little heart and hope to
die!"
"Yeah, I hope you do, too," Zel grumbled. There was a
note of defeat in his voice, however.
Xellos sat up slightly, still keeping his iron hold on Zel's
waist. "Is that a yes?"
Zel glared at him, wishing for a miracle. But the Trickster did
not melt into a puddle of goo-- the gods apparently weren't handing out convenient
miracles today.
"Grumble grumble grumble fine whatever grumble grumble..."
Zel said.
"What was that? I didn't quite hear you..."
"I SAID, 'FINE'!" Zel roared.
Xellos's face lit up with delight. "Oh, Zelgadis, I knew
you loved me!" he exclaimed, flinging his arms around the chimera's neck and heaving
himself forward.
"HEY--!" Zel cried as he tumbled over backward with
Xellos on top. Then Xellos planted a kiss on his lips, and he suddenly forgot what he'd
been objecting about.
The Trickster deepened the kiss, and when he slid his tongue into
Zel's mouth, the chimera didn't protest. When he slid a hand, a few moments later, into
Zel's pants, he didn't protest about that, either. He was too... preoccupied.
Xellos broke the kiss suddenly and moved away. Zel sat up,
flustered, heart racing and thoughts scattered like dropped change.
"Well, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Xellos grinned.
"....." Zel said. Or rather, didn't say.
"It was fun, but now I'll keep my end of the bargain,"
said Xellos. "I'll go away and never bother you again." With that, he
disappeared.
*Ten minutes later...*
"D@MMIT XELLOS GET YOUR @SS BACK HERE!!!" Zel shouted.
Xellos reappeared immediately, smirking. "You rang?"
Zel grabbed the annoying priest by the throat. "I hope you
know I despise you," he growled. Then he yanked him forward and kissed him hungrily.
Zel pushed Xellos to the ground and got on top of him, pinning
him. His blue-green eyes gleamed wickedly. "Now," he said, "I'm going to
show you a few of my fantasies." One of his hands roamed down to the
bulge in Xellos's pants. Zel gave him a little squeeze, and the Mazoku gasped, eyes going
wide.
"Yes..." Xellos breathed encouragingly.
Suddenly there was a rustling in the bushes, and three figures
emerged.
"Mister Zelgadis, we're back-- OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT ARE YOU
DOING?!?"
Xellos giggled. "Well, we were about to have wild, hot,
k!nky $ex..."
Zelgadis smacked him, face aflame once more.
"Ooh, do that again. That was a good one."
Zel groaned. "I hate you," he said. Burn, burn,
burn. "I REALLY, REALLY hate you."
And, thanks to the arrival of Lina, Gourry, and Amelia, the
aforementioned wild, hot, and k!nky $ex scene did not happen.
Zel sulked off to one side. "D@mned if you don't, and d@mned
if you do," he grumbled. Sometimes, things really sucked.
And sometimes, unfortunately, they didn't.
