Subject: [FFML] [ffml][revenge]Hitchhikers Guide to the Revenge-verse Date: Fri, 15 Dec 2000 21:44:36 -0800 From: Andrew Wilson To: ffml They made me do it. Make it stop *MAKE IT STOP!* for those of you who don't know what's going on, check out Slackers page at http://www.angelfire.com/anime/Slacker/ for most of the story (the important bits, anyway; I think). -- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar -- -- File: hhgttrv.txt Hitchhikers Guide to the Revenge-verse or... Lighten up, people, this is supposed to be funny! The four authors stared at the sealed off cave, the only thing between them and death. The demons from the lab had left sometime during the night, so the only worries now were the sealed wall, and the creatures outside. Options had been presented all morning and all had been quickly discarded. "What do you think?" Outlaw asked Slacker, who had been in the corner the whole time, an insanely happy grin on his/her (now adult) face. "Who? Me? Why not ask Andrew?" The faces quickly snapped to the green-haired author, and the object in his/her hands. "Oh. Hell. No." Andrew stated. "First off, we don't know if it'll work. Second, it could be a trap. Third, I will *not* wear that costume. Fourth-" "Fourth, you'll do it," a voice said from behind Andrew. Seconds later, a small, gray and white lop hopped onto his/her shoulder. "Who let him in here?" Slacker asked, backing towards the wall. "We do not know," Darth whispered, his face scrunched up in concentration. "Will you stop that!" Slacker screamed. "Zen can get away with talking funny, but you just sound stupid!" "Listen good, Toots," Bun-bun continued from Andrew's shoulder. "You are going to use that damn pen if you want to save your own ass, because Hunter's on his way in." "In that case," Darth commented, "we think he'll only need about ten minutes break through the wall." "Oh, don't worry, chum," Slacker assured Darth with an evil grin, "I have a plan for dealing with Hunter." "Chum as in 'friend' or 'shark bait'?" Andrew asked, and was quickly shushed by Slacker. KA-KLICK Eyes shot to Bun-bun, who had his switchblade to Andrew's throat. "You are going to be shark bait unless you use that damn pen." "Why do you want me to use the pen?" "Because it's the key to me getting off of this Baywatch-less world." "I'm not sure..." Before anything more could be said, Bun-bun hurled Andrew into a storage room, and hopped in after him/her. "I'll be right back, we need to have a little talk." Once the door slammed shut, the other authors shared a look. "If we weren't about to die," Slacker said, "I'd say something about him being in closets." Several crashes came from the door, followed buy some very colorful cursing. Gunshots were heard, and four bullets found their way through the door, causing the authors to duck. After the noise died down, Slacker put his/her ear to the door, and faintly heard some talking. "Okay, okay, I'll use the damn pen, just put the bloody knife away!" The authors in the lab were treated to the sight of a bright flash coming from under the door, followed by a loud scream. When Slacker opened the door, he/she found the Sailor Pluto look-alike in full costume, on the ground, twitching and muttering. Of Bun-bun there was no sign. "This ain't good," Slacker commented as he/she picked up a nearby piece of debris and poked the prone form with it. "Hey... Hey... Hey!" "What!" Andrew screamed, regaining some composure. "Snap out of it." Outlaw and Darth quickly pulled the two apart before Andrew could set about removing Slackers spleen by way of his/her mouth. "What was with that scream?" Outlaw asked. Andrew relaxed. "You really don't want to know." "Every time that phrase is said," Darth commented, "we want to know what it is we don't want to know." Andrew sighed. "For an instant after the transformation, I had a vision of the future." Slacker cheered. "You're getting Pluto's powers! We're saved!" "Not that easy," Andrew countered. "It was only for an instant, and nothing even close to that is available to me now." He/she stared down at his/her costume in distaste. "I wish I could wear something different." "What did you see?" Darth asked. "A long struggle, a chancy venture, and a lot of suffering to go along with a way home. Death, destruction, and eternal pain for trying to do anything different than the first." "So what do we have to do?" Outlaw asked. "I can't remember," Andrew explained, causing a mass facefault. "It's fading, which is why I'm able to talk right now. Imagine an infinite number of horrible possibilities, and one ray of hope all crammed into your head at one instant, it's rather traumatic." "The costume probobly didn't help," Darth suggested. Andrew just glared. "Don't start." Slacker laughed. "I think it's kinda cute. And Sailor Andrew has a nice sound to it, don't you think? URK!" "If you even THINK about calling me that I...WILL...MAKE...YOU...HURT." Andrew's hand around his/her throat cut off Slacker's possible response. Hunter breaking through the wall stopped further comments. As the monster advanced on the authors, there was suddenly a bright flash of light. When the light faded, Hunter had disappeared, as had the cave, and the lab. "What did you do? And where the hell are we?" Darth asked. Andrew stared, dumbfounded and shook his/her head. "I have no clue. Whatever it was, it got us out of there." Outlaw spoke next. "Anything else to share?" "No, nothing," Andrew replied, shifting back to his/her normal form. "Though I think I did a tele-frag when we left. So Hunter might be a little upset when we see him again." "Who cares," Slacker said, "let's get out of here before trouble shows up, wherever here is." ******* "You sure about giving her those powers, boss?" Nemesis asked. "Positive," Thrawn replied. "They are essential to the plan. What she could do with them is insignificant." ******* "But what is the plan?" Nemesis' voice came from over the speaker. "Yes," Cy said, "what are you up to, Thrawn?" An armored hand tapping on his shoulder interrupted Cy's eavesdropping. "Who...?" Was all Cy could get out before his head was ripped off. ******* "And how," Nemesis continued, "did you give her a mind-fuck (1) of that caliber. I didn't think we had any psychic of that power level here." "That... is classified." Nemesis stared. "You've been playing chess against Xelloss again, haven't you?" A beeping prevented Thrawn's response (if there was going to be one, that is). Nemesis hit a button on the communication board. "This better be good." "Oh, it's good," the voice on the other end replied. "The boss was right. The target was at the location, eavesdropping on you guys." "Do you have proof of elimination?" Thrawn asked. "I have his head and spinal column. You want it stuffed, cured, or freeze-dried?" "Very well, bring it in for a DNA scan. Also, be on the lookout for androids, clones, or other doubles. I suspect we shall be seeing those for quite a while." "Right." A click announced the connection breaking. "The kid is good." "The 'kid' is three times your age. But Cy was also easy to predict. He was trying to imitate me, despite his glaring lack of the proper intellectual capacity. I could not allow that." ******* "We think it's time to dice again," Darth commented. "Sure," Outlaw agreed, pulling out a dice cup and tossing a pair. "Lowest roll wins," Andrew said, just before Outlaw's dice turned up eleven. "I thought you couldn't see the future," Slacker accused. "I can't," Andrew replied. Grabbing the dice, he/she began examining them. "But I can tell when dice are loaded." Andrew broke a die apart by throwing it to the ground, hard. Along with the chunks of plastic was a small piece of metal. "Can't blame a guy for trying," Outlaw said. "Wanna bet?" Slacker replied. ******* A round of rolling with the real set placed Andrew in the command for the time being. "I need to know what everyone's status is with weapons," Andrew began. "About all I have left after Darth's fiasco is an MP-10 and a few thousand rounds of ammo. What about the rest of you?" "I still got my Eagle," Slacker said, "and pretty much unlimited ammo." "How were you able to fire that thing in your smaller form?" Outlaw asked. "I stopped by my stash on our way into town and picked up that pair of pistols we snatched from Thrawn's goons, with plenty of ammo, and I still have this cool sword." "We have the only weapon we desire," Darth whispered. "Yeah," Andrew commented, "right. Just keep that thing away from me, Darth, okay? Slacker, do you still have your share of the explosives?" "Sure. So what's the plan, Sailor-URK!" Andrew dragged Slacker across the floor by the throat. "We had an agreement about that name. The agreement is alright with you, isn't it, Chibi-Bobby?" Slacker would have turned green, but since he/she was already turning blue from lack of air, it turned his/her face a nice shade of turquoise. After a gasped "peachy" Andrew dropped the pink-haired figure to the ground. "Now, the plan is to eliminate the groups chasing us. I think the first should also be the most dangerous." "Hunter?" Darth suggested. "No," Andrew replied. "I doubt Hunter is responsible for planetary scale destruction." "You don't mean..." Slacker tailed off, a horrified look on his/her face. "Yes, gentlemen and lady," Andrew continued, ignoring Slackers protests, "we are going after the most unstable of our foes. The Dirty Pair." A cry came from three mouths. "DON'T CALL THEM THAT!" ******* Kei sneezed, followed by Yuri. "Dammit, Ranma," Yuri growled, "now you're getting me sick." "Dummy," Kei replied, "our bodies are immune to anything short of ebola. Someone's talking about us." "And using that name." Yuri gave a toothy grin as she pulled out her unbrella. Kei cracked her knuckles. "And here I was thinking that this place would be boring." ******* "So how are we supposed to find the Dir... Lovely Angels?" Slacker asked. "Follow the explosions?" Outlaw asked. "No," Darth replied, "that's how we find where we've been." "We don't have to find them," Andrew stated. "The Dirty Pair will find us." Slacker began searching the sky. "Do you have to keep calling them that? Don't you know that whenever someone says that they... get..." Andrew smiled. "Get their asses kicked by the pair." "Bait," Outlaw surmised. "Exactly." "Clever," Darth commented. "But how do we survive?" Andrew was looking like a relative of Xelloss by now. "By being prepared." ******* Kei and Yuri had their weapons out as they approached the crater. The depression in question was the remains of the building where the authors had originally been held. "Trap," Yuri said. Kei squatted on the edge of the crater while studying the surroundings. "Do they really think we're stupid enough to walk to the center of this?" A small sign, with the word "NO" in large, red letters popped from the ground in front of them. Before the pair could react, a huge ball of flame and flying debris consumed the entire section of the rim. Two slightly crispy Lovely Angels were catapulted to the center of the crater. On the opposite rim, Andrew stood, holding a remote detonator. "We expected you to stop on the rim to proclaim how stupid you thought we were," he/she explained, pressing the second button on the detonator. Kei took one look at the four blocks of C4 spaced around their landing point before pressing the "emergency" button on her communicator. "This is going to sting," Yuri commented. ******* In the corner of a vehicle bay, a single pool of light illuminated a motorcycle. Walking toward it was an armored figure, the click of his boots echoing the military pace and precision of his stride. With an attentive eye, he looked over his vehicle to insure that it was ready for combat. The large form landing behind him was all but silent, until it gave a surprised bellow when it had it's legs swept out. "Don't try to sneak up on me," Conner Hamilton stated. "You will not take my hunt away from me," the slightly burnt Hunter snarled, hopping to his feet. "It ain't your hunt." Hunter took a menacing (to most, anyway; Conner looked bored) step closer. "And who is a better hunter than me?" "Lots," Conner replied, switching on his cyclone. The electric hum filled the cavernous bay. "I still don't know why you and Nemesis insisted on that slaughter yesterday." "They were prey. Why should we spare them?" "No, they were bystanders. They had nothing to do with our fight. I'm glad Nemesis restrained himself, but you..." Conner trailed off with a disgusted sigh. "This is a hunt, nothing more. You should understand. I know you are a hunter as well." "Wrong. I am a soldier. You are a murderer. You should learn the difference." Conner drove off, leaving a confused and angry Hunter behind. ******* The authors were keeping their distance from the Dirty Pair, mainly relying on their guns to keep the two women on their toes while Darth sneaked around to get in range to use his staff. Slacker was the first to noticed the noise. It sounded like an electric motor, but much louder. It was also getting closer, and louder. "What's that?" He/she asked Andrew turned toward the sound and saw an odd motorcycle approaching at very high speeds. "Get down!" Andrew ordered. Slacker and Outlaw ducked behind some debris to avoid a short shower of energy blasts. Andrew was running for cover when he/she was sent flying by a metal boot to his/her ribs. Conner took out the group's (apparent) leader with a quick spin-kick. The 'clang' of a weapon bouncing off his cyclone's armor prompted him to turn around. "I assume that was a challenge?" he asked Darth. "Die!" Darth countered. Conner shrugged, then subvocalized a command to his suit. Out of the right arm shield, a short blade emerged. A disk extended halfway out of the left, with six blades spaced equally around it. A shimmering field appeared around the blades as the disk began to spin. Outlaw was taking aim at Conner's suit when he felt a prick on his neck. His hand shot up, and came away with a large dart, of the type used to tranquilize animals. Turning, Outlaw saw the Dirty Pair waving before leaving the area on a pair of hoverbikes. "What was that about?" Slacker asked. "I am gonna kill them. Then I am gonna steal one of those hoverbikes," Outlaw said. "And I think they injected me with something." He was still pointing at the retreating forms when his legs gave out. "Uh-oh," Slacker said as Outlaw collapsed. The explanation was repeated as Andrew staggered up. Once the group determined that whatever Outlaw had been injected with wasn't immediately fatal (and they couldn't do anything about it anyway) they turned to watch the ongoing fight. After a moment, it was easy to see that Conner was playing with his opponent. Darth was throwing all he could into his strikes, and they were being effortlessly deflected (either by the weapons, or the cyclones armor). It ended when Conner leg shot out, knocking Darth toward his companions. The soldier looked at the prone author and gave a snort. "Targets are down," he said into his radio, "Dirty Pair rescued, and surprise delivered. Mission accomplished." Shifting his Cyclone back to motorcycle mode, he rode back to base, leaving the authors in a tangled pile. ******* Outlaw felt groggy as he woke from a fading nightmare. The group had a policy of never sleeping in the same place twice, and this time they were in a run-down hotel. Thankful that it had running water, Outlaw proceeded to the bathroom to splash some water on his face. The water woke him up some, and he realized that the information being sent by his hands, face, and eyes were wrong. For one thing, he was seeing out of both eyes. In addition to that, his face felt odd. Reaching for the lightswitch, he looked at himself in the mirror. A woman's scream woke the other authors. Rushing to the bathroom, they were confronted with a strange woman wearing Outlaw's clothes. "Looks like..." Andrew trailed off as he/she realized who the redhead in from of them looked like. An exact copy of the classic Nene Romanova was staring in shock at her own reflection. Notes: 1) if anyone has a problem with that language, too bad. That is how I describe major mental attacks. -- .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List---. | Administrators - ffml-admins@fanfic.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@fanfic.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---http://www.fanfic.com/FFML-FAQ.txt ---'