ЋЗД`З.(*З.И(`З.И.ЋЗДЈ*З.ИИ.*~ Welcome To Lita's Cyber Home~*.ИИ.З*Ј`ЗЛ.И.ЗД)И.З*).ЗД`ЗЛ

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Fun Stuff

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PC Message

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke.)
It means: Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem, take it to the shop."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 7"
It means: "Because I know there are only 6 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 128MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "...however, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "...indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: "....any more click. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back.

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Male Or Female

Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. A better model is right around the corner.
3. They look attractive - until you take them home.
4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even the smallest mistakes are committed to memory.
3. The native language used to communicate with others of their kind is incomprehensible to anyone else.
4. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know what's wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Signs Your Grandparents are Still Sexually Active

8. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
7. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
5. Granny found handcuffed to her walker.
4. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
3. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa`s crotch and claps twice.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

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Fact About Men, by a Bitter Woman

1. If you think the way to a man`s heart is through his stomach you`re aiming too high.
2. Woman don`t make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason : you`re sick of him.
4. A woman`s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
5. If you want a nice man go for a ugly one -- they try harder.
6. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
7. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
8. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
9. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets.
10. Men`s brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
11. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don`t" and "stop".

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TEN COMMANDMENTS OF LOVE:

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of they Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what`s good for thee.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor`s house.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor`s Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.

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LOVE or LUST

LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.

LOVE - when intercourse is called "making love".
LUST - all the other times.

LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.

LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "G`day".
LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.

LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - when it`s just the same old mushy *bleep*.

LOVE - when you`re interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - when you`re only interested in one thing.

LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.

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MEN or GUYS?

Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they`ve actually owned since high school.

Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.

Men: start their own businesses.
Guys: quit their jobs.

Men: are experts on women`s erogenous zones.
Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.

Men: order wine based on more than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.

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Why Nagging a Man Doesn`t Work

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C`mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you`ll have no clothes to wear,
if we don`t do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C`MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW !

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn`t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won`t change, and she does.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.