For those of you stuck in boring/mediocre/sour marriages who dare to think something “better” is out there, this one’s for you.....
Okay, where to begin. Well, my ex moved out November 4, 2002. I really don’t recall for sure when I first put up a profile in bigchurch.com (nor do I now recall why that one in particular), but I do recall that I started dating my first “find” late September ‘03. His name was Craig, he was originally from a state near my home state (a couple states away from this one), he had never been married, was one year older than I, and had no kids of his own. He was a bit shy and unsure of himself, which I have no clue why I am at times attracted to. He was tall and lanky and sorta the intellectual type. But he was also super religious. I am myself a spiritual person, always have been, but this guy was way beyond religious to the point of not allowing himself to enjoy life. Pretty much EVERYTHING made him feel guilty, including kissing! And he would get turned on and things would start progressing - then - he would make me feel guilty afterwards, going on and on about what would Jesus think and what if Jesus were to return right this moment, etc., etc. (we were never intimate, by the way.....). This guy, despite having a master’s degree, worked as a stocker overnight at a grocery store! He had no real direction nor ambition in life. I frankly don’t think he could see anything beyond his obsessive religiosity! He lived in an apartment with the decor of a college student (despite himself being 41 at that time). Yet, despite his MANY faults, I foolishly just continued to take things one day at a time and was just so thrilled to be dating someone (go figure....). Then come spring ‘04 he got me to create for him two web sites to promote “books” he had self “published” about historical religious figures. And guess what? Soon after getting his web sites done for him, he dumped me!!!!! Jerk. We wound up dating eight months, with the relationship ending in May ‘04.
Now, let me see, who was next....
Well, I do recall having dated once a guy name Jim who lives about two hours away during the spring of ‘04 when I felt like things weren’t quite “right” with Craig. Jim runs his own business of fixing small airplanes and is himself some sort of pilot. I had met him on bigchurch.com also. I guess one positive thing was that he shares my love of shelties, and he did do a lot for awhile to help us out with our dog breeding business. BUT - there was absolutely no chemistry there whatsoever. Just plain was NOT really attracted to the guy. He’s a nice person and I’d say probably well balanced in his spirituality. Just no chemistry there. So, only went out on a date with him once, but he kept inquiring about the sheltie pups and offering to help with transporting them for shipping, etc. He also helped to build a pen for keeping the baby pups warm. But over time even the friendship drifted away. Probably for the best.
Okay, well the next guy I met on bigchurch.com also (believe it or not). That one was a really strange situation and one I really should never have become involved in. His name was Dean. He’s a vet, which I suppose I found attractive since I’m such an animal lover. He told me that although he was still married, that they had been living separately (in different states) the past three years and only stayed married for the sake of the kids. He did not have a picture posted on-line, so I did nor know what he looked like. We got to IM’ing and sexually flirting and agreed to meet. BAD decision. He came over to my house (quite naive to have given him my home address) and wanted to meet all my pets, and I did think it was cool the way my pets were ALL over him. But I honestly was not attracted to his looks at all. He was tall and thin and had a mysterious (almost scary) look about his eyes. I didn’t want to go through with doing things with him, but I knew he expected me to follow through with what we had agreed to do beforehand while IM’ing. So I obliged. I just layed there and let him do what he wanted - there was no affection nor foreplay whatsoever - just sex. I felt like total shit afterwards. I washed and washed and couldn’t seem to feel clean. I vowed never again to meet someone in that way. Maybe it works for some, but it’s not right for me. Anyway, he and I emailed on occasion after that, and he kept saying he would take me out for supper sometime (like, wasn’t that a bit of a backwards progression?). Anyway, one evening in September ‘04 we did meet at a local restaurant and had supper together. Afterwards we each went our separate ways and haven’t been in touch since. For the best!
Also in September ‘04 I went out once with another guy I met via bigchurch.com . His name was Bob and he was from about two hours away from here. We talked on the phone several times, and he was a very nice person, even though he had many physical challenges due to M.S. We agreed to meet in a town midway in between and had supper together. We had a nice evening with good conversation, but afterwards I didn’t hear from him again. But really it was no major loss - his health problems would have been a big challenge.
Next was another guy I met via bigchurch.com . His name was Mel and he also lived about two hours from here. He seemed like a super nice guy, and I felt attracted to his photos and personality and was anxious to meet him. He wanted to meet in a metro area, where I was not comfortable driving, so I said if he could find a date for my friend, we would meet and double date. Whooboy - it may perhaps have been one of the worst dates of my life. We met at a major mall in January ‘05. My friend first identified the pair of men from a bit of a distance and said, “Oh my gosh, they’re shrimps!!!!” And sure enough, both were INCREDIBLY short! I myself am not overly tall, but just a two inch height difference is not enough! My friend felt uncomfortable, and so went into her “I’m a bitch” mode and really was downright rude to the guys. I just felt so disappointed, that I wasn’t sure how to interact. At one point my friend actually ditched us! She was recovering from foot surgery, and said she just wanted to sit down for awhile, while meanwhile the guys wanted to go through this exhibit, which I went through with them. Then had trouble reconnecting with my friend because our cell phones weren’t working very well in that place. It was a nightmare. I was SO glad when that date ended, and I didn’t contact Mel any further!
Okay, next up was Bruce. I met Bruce on bigchurch.com also. He was a very nice Christian man with some level of attractiveness, even though his hair was graying and mine was not (even though he wasn’t much older than I), so that felt a little weird at the time. Anyway, even though Bruce was from a neighboring state and lived some distance away, he agreed to drive here for us to attend a concert together, which was in a town an hour away. He was a super nice guy - I really felt like we clicked. It was a very enjoyable evening. We ended the evening at his hotel, in the parking lot, with a hug, and he kissed me on the cheek. Kinda sweet. We continued to call periodically and seemed to get along great. But at some point I decided to share with him about a pastor’s abuse of me and wrote the “story” to him via email. I didn’t hear back from him after that. That was disappointing on several fronts. One, I really had come to like him and could see some level of possibilities there. And two, yet another person had misunderstood the situation with the pastor and had apparently cast judgment on me, rather than on the pastor who abused me. That hurt.
Summer ‘05 I met another guy on bigchurch.com named Kiel. Kiel had somewhat mediocre looks. Actually I wasn’t for sure from the pics he had posted in his profile what he looked like, since there seemed to be quite a variation between photos. Anyway, although he lived about two hours away, in July ‘05 he was going to be in this area for a music fest and offered to take me out for supper. I actually knew little about him, because we had interacted very little beforehand. Anyway, he came to my house to pick me up, and he was a bit overweight, although his face wasn’t too bad attractiveness wise. He was a bit overly friendly from the start, however. With most of the other guys I had gone out with, the date had began with a quick, hardly physical, hug. With Kiel, he pulled me tightly chest to chest for the initial hug. We went out for supper and had a nice conversation. We could share a lot of common feelings regarding custody of our kids. Then we came back here and talked a short while, after which he planned to leave. He held me closely for a long time and then started kissing, and then his hands got to wandering.....and it had been quite awhile.....and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do....but ultimately just gave in. My mind was wandering the whole time, questioning what on earth I was doing and why. I just wanted it to be over. And it went on and on. And then he wanted to take a shower here, because he was going to be camping out, and I really just wanted him to leave, but instead allowed him to shower here. I was SO glad when he was FINALLY gone. Again, I washed and washed and felt so dirty and ashamed. I guess Kiel thought we were developing something. He would call me periodically, still wanting to get together. Most of the time I wouldn’t even answer his calls. One day while he was passing through the area, he dropped by. My daughters were here, so at least that prevented anything from happening. Ultimately I wrote Kiel an email, saying I had found someone else, which actually was true.....because I had also been interacting with someone else I had met on bigchurch.com .....
Lance was a truly dreamy guy. I’m not sure I will ever completely get over Lance. In some ways Lance and I seemed perfect for each other, but not entirely. Lance lived in Las Vegas, far away from here. We met on bigchurch and got to emailing for several hours every evening. We became such close friends and shared so many things with each other, completely open and honest with each other about so many things. We even were born and raised in the same state, only about two hours away from each other. So, it seemed a bit odd to have met on-line at this point in our lives when we neither still lived in that state and both now lived so far away from each other. I admired Lance’s obvious intelligence and drive to succeed in life. I also was fascinated by Lance working in the entertainment field. He has during his lifetime been in direct contact with numerous famous recording artists, because the company he established provides security for their concerts. I was so intrigued by Lance and very anxious to meet him and he I. So, he flew here late July and the two of us went on a “tour” of this state, because he had never been here before and is always anxious to check out new places. We spent a great deal of time driving in his rental car. Frankly I saw a lot of places I had never seen before either. We explored the state together. And we talked and talked and talked - conversations between the two of us always flowed so smoothly. Lance was such an intelligent guy and we had so much in common with common beliefs, etc. And I was SO attracted to his huge muscles! I swear, I have NEVER seen larger muscles on any man in my life! BUT, the drawbacks - Lance is rich, and I’m not. That made me feel uncomfortable. We stayed in a really nice hotel room and were intimate, and that was okay. We ate at fine restaurants, which was nice. It’s just the money always seemed to be flowing. We were only gone a couple days, then when we returned to this area and ate out for the last time, we got to doing some more serious talking about our relationship and where it could go. He told me his plans for his future and where he wanted to live and what he wanted to do. I told him that I would love to join him - in the future - after my kids were grown. And then the other drawback to Lance - his impatience. Lance said he wasn’t willing to wait seven years in order for our cohabitating to be a reality and said that he doesn’t plan to move to this state, as it isn’t somewhere that he wants to live, and that he wouldn’t expect me to move while my kids are still in school. A bit disappointing. But after he got back to Vegas, we still continued to email hours on end every night and continued to have as friendly conversations as before. BUT, while at the hotel room, he casually told me what his typical passwords are. That was the one not-so-smart thing that Lance did, and I have no clue why he did. Anyway, curiosity kills the cat..... in time I did go into his email box and in September ‘05 discovered he had put up a profile in match.com . I was crushed. BUT, I also had some level of control, in that I had his password. Initially I was very hurt. I even created my own profile, just to wink at him so he would know that I knew he was in there. Thing is, Lance and I had become very close friends - and the friendship won out - because I truly loved and cared about him, I started searching for him and even sent a few winks for him. And I became active in match also. We even got to discussing our various “finds.” And ultimately Lance started dating someone he had found on match, and I started dating someone I had found on match. And we remained friends and still now on rarer occasions exchange emails to touch base on how life is going.
Actually I guess I first dated a couple guys I met on match that really weren’t good fits at all, so just one date each. There was Bryan, who lived a few hours away, so we met at a town midway for supper. Prior to that we had emailed a few times and had talked on the phone several times. I “thought” we might be a good fit. But the date was so negative - he spent nearly the entire date badmouthing his former wife and his former ex-long-term girlfriend. The date lasted a couple hours, after which it ended with a hug in the parking lot. Don’t think I heard from him after that, which didn’t really matter..... The second guy was Terry, who lived locally here. He had at one time lived not far from where I grew up, so I had thought that was an interesting connection. He also had a strong interest in music and plays guitar, which I thought was cool, since I play piano and write music. The one thing I didn’t like was that he had custody of his daughter. Irregardless, after several nice phone conversations, we agreed to meet at a local restaurant. It just didn’t feel right. Seemed to be a lot of negativity, especially in regards to his former wife, and it was obvious he was on the run to keep his ex from knowing where he had taken their daughter. I didn’t like that at all. I wasn’t even completely sure all the negative things he told me against his ex were believable. It just all struck a negative chord with me, and we didn’t interact any further after the one date.
And then came Randy. I met Randy on match also, in October ‘05. I think I was attracted to his “bad boy” image. He was TOTALLY not right for me, nor anyone I would normally date. Yet, there was chemistry.....lots of chemistry...... He was a smoker, which always before would have really been a turnoff - yet - I found the taste of tobacco on his breath enticing. We had a wild sexual relationship that was quite enjoyable. BUT - we had little else. We did talk on the phone pretty often, and he could be a good friend and supportive of me emotionally regarding my kids. And he did come over to comfort me when our dog died. But Randy was incredibly lazy, not overly intelligent, not ambitious nor successful in life. I bought him a nice Christmas gift that year - he got me nothing - we had sex, and he said my orgasm was his gift to me (asshole). There were lots of times when he was a jerk to me, and I was too stupid to see it at the time (hind sight is so much clearer). One night he became overly concerned about a bruise on my thigh (I probably ran into something) and said something like no one had better think he had done that to me (or something to that effect). His saying that struck me very oddly. I did a background check and discovered that there had been restraining orders and accusations of abuse both regarding his ex-wife and his former long-term girlfriend. I became quite concerned. Then Randy got pissed at me for using MY money to buy a purebred dog, when he didn’t think I should buy her, and he quit coming over and was hardly in contact with me at all. This after we had steadily been together for three months. I was baffled and didn’t even know for a long time why he had distanced like he did. Odd. Then despite barely communicating with me for two weeks, he contacted me on Valentine’s Day afternoon and wanted to go out that evening. I was excited. Then one hour before he was to arrive, he called to say he had supposedly hurt his back at work and wouldn’t be coming over afterall. Asshole - the very next day when I asked how his back was doing, he said “fine,” seemingly initially forgetting about his excuse from the night before. It was a “relationship” that just seemed to gradually fall apart and fade away, but it wasn’t until I outright said so in March (since I was communicating with someone new and very excited about that opportunity), that Randy became quite upset that I would want to break things off and telling me he would say and do whatever I want, if I would just take him back. You see, I had told him one evening after sex that I love him, and he didn’t respond, and I had been crushed. I told him when he was pleading for it not to be over, that there is no point for him to say something he doesn’t truly mean. He seemed so hurt over the breakup, which really was a bit odd, since he was the one who had distanced from me. For the best for that one to be over. It wasn’t what was good for me at all.... Meanwhile,.....
I had met Tim on match. Actually he had winked at me several months prior, but I was still involved with Randy at the time (although the relationship was souring), so I had not winked back. But after Randy stood me up for Valentine’s Day, I went on match and actively did a search of the possibilities, and Tim was one of the guys I winked at. He emailed me to say that he had winked at me before, but that I had not winked back, and that he was pleased for me to wink at him (or something like that). I felt very drawn to Tim. He had recently been through some pretty rough times, and the compassion flowed from me as I truly cared and wanted to help him through his rough times. BUT - pity is never a good basis for any relationship. Anyway, the story about Tim is so long, I’m not even sure where to begin. But actually it is the ending of that 19 month relationship that I truly believed would last a lifetime, that serves as the basis of my writing this article. I need to see where I’ve been and I need to think through all I’ve encountered in this seemingly never-ending quest to find someone wonderful to share the rest of my life with. And the only hope for success in life, is to recognize and to come to learn from our mistakes. So, here goes. Here’s the story of Tim.
When I met Tim on-line on match.com in February ‘06, he was at a very low point in his life. He was still grieving the loss of his wife to cancer and still traumatized by having experienced her last days with her. A recovering alcoholic, Tim had went off the wagon during his wife’s last days and had been closet drinking to self medicate. After her death, he had continued to self medicate - until he was pulled over for speeding one night and failed the breatherizer test, was convicted of his second DWI (then first was following the divorce of his second wife, who had been unfaithful to him), and went into a treatment program for 30 days (his second time in a treatment program). Actually when I met him, he still did not have his driver’s license back as part of his sentence. Looking back now, it would seem like these things should have been red flags that this guy was bad news. BUT, he was humbled by his experiences, and I have always been one to try to believe the best in people. Tim was a very nice person back then and for the first several months we were dating. I felt attracted to him both physically and mentally - yet - his shyness and inhibitions many times left me feeling unfulfilled. Especially over time, he was not good at openly communicating his feelings. In fact, now I can honestly say I hardly know who the “real” Tim is at all. I know very little about his past; rather, our relationship seemed to primarily only involve the present. Thing is, the past shapes who a person is in the present, so it truly is relevant to know. Anyway, our first date was March 30, 2006, shortly after he got his license back. The conversation flowed and flowed and I felt a really neat connection, and he seemed to feel it also. Despite living a half hour away from each other, we saw each other nearly every night that first week. I felt overwhelmed - I nearly forgot who I was, as I felt like we were already merging together into one. It was neat, yet scary at the same time. I think we had only been dating for two weeks when he told me that although it may seem early, that he loved me. I wasn’t sure how to respond - of course, I did not want to hurt him; yet, I wasn’t sure how I felt yet. So, I said “I love you” also. Prior to that a few times when things started to get “friendly,” Tim would pull back, saying he believed that we were building a quality relationship here and that he didn’t want to ruin it. But not long after saying he loved me, we did become intimate. But he was so inhibited - he couldn’t seem to let himself go to enjoy it. I always found that unfulfilling - it took away from my enjoyment. It wasn’t long before that became a very rare part of our relationship anyway. Yet, there was what felt like a nice foundation, and so did not let the lack of it dominate my feelings regarding the relationship. We had developed a very nice friendship and shared a lot with each other daily about things going on in our life, thoughts, and feelings. But Tim never wanted to talk on the phone - he just wanted to email when we weren’t together. He told me he supposedly couldn’t IM, though, supposedly due to having a firewall on his computer (which in recent months became evident was a complete lie). For many months we spent a lot of time together in person, did a lot of things together, and it was quite fulfilling. I “thought” he was financially secure, and he was frequently offering to help me out financially. I needed the help, so I accepted, but over time it became a source of tension in our relationship. Increasingly Tim seemed to have less and less money, and he came to share with me that he had been using the life insurance money from his wife’s passing. As it turned out, he had inflated the income he had stated himself as supposedly having in his profile on match (yet another lie). Anyway, overtime I allowed Tim to meet my daughters, and the four of us at times did things together. Tim seemed good interacting with my younger daughter, but I always felt that he found my older daughter irritating and annoying. That was not a good feeling, to feel pulled between my daughter and my boyfriend. In August ‘06 when Tim’s family was getting together, he invited my daughters and I to come along. We met his family, and I really liked most of them (some were friendlier than others and I liked a lot, others were not as friendly - to be expected). It felt like a nice bonding time for the four of us, Tim with me and my daughters. Then come Christmastime, Tim invited the girls and I to join him again for his family’s gathering. My oldest daughter seemed uncomfortable being there and was being a bit annoying, trying to draw attention to herself. I could tell Tim was irritated by her behavior. Having no kids of his own, many times Tim did not understand my kids, nor was he as tolerant of their behaviors (apparently internally, not expressively so, but could read it in his non-verbals). So, that gathering with his family didn’t go as well.
Seems like I should backtrack a little bit here. Tim has been married three times. The first was while in his 20’s in the Air Force living overseas and to a gal who was also in the Air Force stationed there. He said when they got back to the states, that they came to realize they had little in common. I blew it off - he was young, and people make mistakes when they’re young - right? The second he met while living out west, where he was stationed upon his return to the states and while out of the Air Force. It sounds like they went through a lot in their marriage, especially the financial ruin caused by his decision to dump his life there to move back to the Midwest to be closer to his family. She was not from this region and had a son from a previous marriage (which I now can see likely caused problem for Tim also, since he has little understanding nor tolerance for children). He says there were always three people in that marriage - him, the wife, and the counselor. He didn’t like that, and used it as an excuse for why counselors are useless (when frankly he very much needs and, if open minded about it, could benefit from having). Anyway, he says she had an affair, which townspeople informed him of (likely pretty embarrassing, I would think). He says he kicked her and her son out. I’m not sure of the exact timeline, but sometime around then he was caught for his first DWI and went into treatment. Then he had met his third wife on match, so he thought that was the ideal place to meet people. They had lived together for awhile, and he only married her after she had cancer (I later learned that was likely for convenience and financial reasons). Who knows what the true nature of that relationship really was, because it is typically known that those who die are idealized afterwards. He says he doesn’t remember dates very well, which seems odd to me - he could never say for sure how long they were even together, five or six years, he thinks. Irregardless, they were married for about a year and a half before she died. When we started dating, the first several months her pictures were all over the house, including an 8x10 of their wedding picture on his night stand. Talk about making someone feel uncomfortable! Yet, self sacrificing person that I am, I tried to be understanding - well, more than tried - I just plain was understanding - more so than I likely should have been. Overtime he gradually got to putting most of the photos away. Then, I started to feel a bit more secure in the relationship. Still, I never truly had his whole heart - throughout the entire relationship, she continued to have part of it, at times more than others. That was NEVER a good feeling. There were so many ups and downs in the relationship. Well, I would say the first three months were pretty much ups. Problems would happen when certain dates would roll around, like Memorial Day or the anniversary of her death or especially times when her daughter would come to visit him. He would always distance from me during any of those times, just locking up inside of himself and completely shutting me out. I didn’t know what to do during those times - they represented inconsistent times in our relationship that were hard to read and hard to know whether they would ever be overcome. I always tried so hard to be understanding - of course certain dates would cause him sadness, of course times of seeing Melissa would remind him of Robin. And yet, I was shut out. And how can you have a relationship if you only share parts of your life, not the whole thing? I swear, after this experience, I will never date a widower again..... I tried to understand, but mostly I self sacrificed way too much and way too often, and in truth I cannot understand what I have not myself experienced firsthand.
So, then, at what point did this go bad? I honestly don’t know.
Summer of ‘06 Tim’s job had him working in Austin, Texas for six weeks, which is quite a ways from here. He has an inside dog and cat, which I offered to drive over to his place (a half hour each way) twice a day to take care of for him. Quite a commitment, but he did pay me to do so. Anyway, he had left a list of his passwords by the laptop on his kitchen table. It was sitting there in plain sight. One interesting thing was the tremendous number of dating sites he had listed on the sheet. Curious, I wrote down the passwords. I discovered he was still a paid member in some of the sites. I also discovered he was a paid member in adultfriendfinder, while he had told me that he didn’t have much sexual desire due to the strong antidepressants he was on. I was hurt. He also had listed the passwords to his two email boxes. Curiosity kills the cat, especially when trust had been broken by his still being a paid member in several dating sites. I think it was in November ‘06 that he sent an email to buddy he met while in recovery, dissing our relationship, saying we were living separate lives and questioning how far this could go. I was very hurt, especially since he certainly never communicated anything like that with me. Of course, knowing what I did, did affect my interactions with Tim. I wound up sending him an email that questioned some things. Although he seemed to become somewhat defensive, things seemed to smooth over and it seemed like our relationship grew stronger as a result of talking/writing through some things. I was still feeling insecure when he wanted us to shop together for my daughters for Christmas. I felt like he didn’t believe in us, and felt very depressed by that, and I frankly really just wanted to buy my girls what few measly gifts I would be able to afford. But I went along with his wanting to shop for them. And he spent a ton of money on all of us for Christmas ‘06 - I don’t think we have ever gotten that many gifts, nor such nice gifts, for Christmas before. Then sometime early in January he dissed our relationship via email to his former wife’s daughter via email, saying he gets along fine with me and the girls, but just doesn’t see where this can go. Again, I was quite hurt, and again it affected my interactions with him. Again I wound up emailing him some things that seemed to put him on the defense, but again things were smoothed over and seemed like our relationship was stronger afterwards. Then in May ‘07 he saved a draft in his email box where he planned to break up with me. I discovered May 19, 2007, AFTER we had had a nice date together. HOW DECEPTIVE!!!!!! How could he sit down that afternoon and draft a breakup email to me, and then that evening come over here and spend the evening with me, acting like everything was fine????? I was INCREDIBLY crushed. And of course it affected my interactions with him, again emailing him in a way that seemed to again put him on the defense, only this time I never felt secure about our relationship after that. Every day, several times a day, I would check to see if that email was still in his box. And each day that it stayed in the draft box and was not sent, I felt slightly more secure. During that time he even said something to one of my daughters one day about when he and I would retire and move to an area that he and I both like. Again, HOW DECEPTIVE! But at the time, of course, that made me feel more secure in the relationship. Then this summer (‘07), he started spending a lot less time with me, constantly making up excuses, some of which I knew was lies based on things he emailed others. Once he told me he was going fishing, then later emailed his brother he had slept all day and hadn’t gone anywhere. He even made up lies to me about the supposed fishing experience. The end of July and first part of August ‘07, the girls and I were going to be gone for six days to visit my family in another state. Although previously Tim had suggested he might join us on the trip so as to meet my family, it wound up that his family’s annual late summer gathering was scheduled for that weekend. I tried to readjust our schedule to make it possible for us to do both. But Tim made up an excuse about how with his new position at work, that he couldn’t be gone that many days. Then he later emailed his brother that he was taking off the two days prior to their get-together so he could spend more time fishing with his brother..... (lying asshole). So, he went to his family gathering, and the girls and I traveled to visit my family. When I returned, for three weeks he made excuses of why we couldn’t get together (like the distance and high price of gas, etc. - now, last summer didn’t I travel to his house TWICE a day for six weeks, and distance and gas didn’t seem to be an issue then.....). And then when I finally confronted him about us not spending time together and indicated my needs and wants in the relationship and ways they weren’t being met, he became defensive and on some level hateful. And ultimately on August 18, 2007, the asshole EMAILED his damn breakup note to me. In it he indicated that my kids have been disrespectful and unruly and embarrassing to him and that I am supposedly consumed with hatred towards my ex-husband (which is a whole nother matter - he can’t relate because he never had kids to keep him having to interact with any of his ex’s). He also went off on me supposedly having too many pets and a lifestyle that he didn’t want to share (odd, he had always come across as such a petlover himself and even helped me out a great deal with my breeding business). He also compared me with his former wife who had died, saying they supposedly had NEVER fought, and he became QUITE pissed with me when I said if they never fought, someone was keeping their mouth shut. Anyway, regardless, I was of course again crushed, as the foreseen, now became reality. So, how much backbone does it really take to end a nearly two year relationship, via email? Not much. So, was that really the end? Nope. We continued to email with each other nearly daily, although not as long of emails nor as many. This continued until the weekend of September 30th, when I saw from his email box that he had signed up with a couple dating sites. Up until then, I still had hope for us; afterall, we had still gotten together three times since the breakup and in many ways still interacted as if we were dating. So, on September 30th, 2007, I sent Tim an email, saying it had now been six weeks since the breakup, so where do his feelings stand now? He wrote back that he doesn’t know what he thinks or feels right now, but that he does care a lot about me, and that it would be easy to fall back into a relationship with me, but that he isn’t going to because supposedly intellect is going to rule his decision (or something to that effect). Fed up, I emailed him that I cannot continue to be his friend then, that I have never been good at going backwards in relationships, so that if this is over, so is the friendship. I guess his response is not what I expected. I think I really expected him to still in some way want me. But instead, he just let me go. Hurt again. So, enough of the Tim topic....
Life post-Tim - well, life does go on. I’ve been steadily dating since. Two weeks after the initial breakup in August, a man who live three hours away from here began emailing me, having viewed my profile on match.com . Bob is a very nice man and a very good Christian, but a bit too strong in convictions that I do not share. We went out twice, two weeks apart, during October. He is quite shy, which at times made me feel uncomfortable. Even so, the second date went quite well, and we had shared a lot with each other about our kids and families, and I did come to care about him. Even so, when I shared with him via email the story about the pastor having abused me, he too chose to see the situation wrong, and did not contact me any further. Whatever. Frankly the chemistry there was quite mediocre anyway.
Then early November while doing a search on match, I ran across the profile of a man I had met on-line eight years earlier, while the two of us were both struggling in our bad marriages and had shared our stories/situations with each other. Even at that time, he had sexually flirted with me, which had confused me greatly at the time. I had responded several times that I thought his doing so was inappropriate. Anyway, by now we were both at different points in our lives, now both divorced, and I sent him an email to reconnect. We talked via phone and met a few days later. And it was HORRIBLE. DEFINITELY my WORST date EVER!!!!! First of all, he was over a half hour late to the date, during which time I sat around twiddling my thumbs waiting at the restaurant (he’s two hours away, so we met in a town midway). Then when I saw him walking down the sidewalk approaching the restaurant, I thought, Oh my gosh, he looks OLD!!!! He definitely looks better in his pics, than in real life! Anyway, things started out okay - touching base about what’s been going on in our lives since we last connected, and that was nice to catch up with someone I used to have some care for. But then he wanted to come to my side of the booth, started giving me a massage, started passionately kissing me and groping me - ALL IN PUBLIC!!!!! I was sorely embarrassed. Then he wanted us to go out to his truck, so I did, even though I didn’t want to, just at that point wasn’t sure how best to get out of the situation. And he started making out with me and groping me very roughly, which was a total complete turn off, AND ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS TIM. And, so I thought, what the heck - why not say so? So, I did. And that totally turned him off, for me to be thinking about someone else while with him. It really spoiled “his” moment. Too bad. Jerk. Made for a nice excuse, and it was the truth - Tim had such a tender touch, that I used to enjoy so much.... Anyway, I told Jim I needed to get home, exited his truck and left in my car. He wrote me an email later, saying how disappointed he was, that he had thought we would make love. He even started detailing what he wanted to do. This guy during our date was talking about how he’s so sick of meaningless relationships and only looking for a long-term relationship, when frankly all his actions who is that he’s looking for someone to fuck. Forget that. I’m worth more.
THEN, I was contacted via match by a guy in Kansas. We live nowhere near Kansas, so seemed odd to me. But, he wasn’t a bad looking guy and I did enjoy interacting with him. He said he was making a trip to this area in a few days on business and asked if he could take me out for supper. I thought, what the heck.... So, on November 12, 2007, Mark came to my house. Okay, with these post-divorce dates, typically a guy will just give ya a quick hug when you first meet - this guy - he tried to kiss me from the start, but was a bit awkward doing so, which was kinda cute. We went out for supper, and when we got home, we sat on the couch together talking, and over time he reached over and kissed me passionately and gradually got touchy feely, and I thought, what the heck, it’s been awhile..... So, we were intimate - he stayed the night, and we went at it a few times. Whatever. I told myself this time I wasn’t going to feel bad about it. BUT, guess what? Afterwards this guy thought he was in love with me!!!! Okay, is this a reversal of roles or what? I was in disbelief. So, since that time I am STILL trying to help him to see things in perspective, that I am NOT going to move to Kansas and marry him and live in his same house he shared with his previous two wives, and he has no plans of moving here (he runs his own business there), so the reality is - this has nowhere to go! But, I’m trying to be just his friend.... This guy has WAY too sensitive feelings!
And at last, after all these guys, #17 - another Bob, that I met on match. Now, frankly I have never before believed in love at first sight, but believe it or not, I could easily have loved this guy at first site. The chemistry was definitely strong! Okay, let's backtrack a bit. Bob and I emailed quite a bit for about a week. We shared a lot of ideas and thoughts and feelings and seemed so compatible with each other. And I was very attracted to his pics in the site, and he kept calling me a "hottie" and "gorgeous" and asked whether a gal like me would feel embarrassed to be seen with a guy like him (hum, a bit humble.....). Anyway, on December 5, 2007, we met in a town midway, as he lives about two hours away also. It was a really nice date. We had nice table conversation, although he seemed a bit dominant in the conversation. Afterwards we determined we'd go catch a movie, and while his truck was warming up, he reached over and kissed me passionately. WOW. A very welcome kiss indeed! We went to the movie, but watched very little of it, instead making out in the theatre throughout the entire movie. Afterwards, we made out in his truck while it warmed up (it was hovering around zero that night). And then we drove back to the restaurant where my car was, and made out more in his truck while my car warmed up. We both agreed we had a nice time together and agreed we wanted to get together again, and he had earlier emailed about "that all elusive chemistry," so I asked whether that was present, and we both smiled and agreed that it was. I was SO excited. He said he would check his work schedule and be in touch so we could plan when next to get together. I was so happy driving home that evening. I called up my girlfriend and went on and on about him and how happy I was. He and I exchanged nice emails after the date that evening, saying what a nice time we had had. Then, you're NOT going to believe this - everything changed by the next night!!!!!! He has a horrible work schedule, working 2-10 p.m. every night except alternating Wednesdays and Thursdays (or something like that). So, early that evening, I had sent him a few emails, sharing with him about my day and about my kids being there that evening and a few tidbits about my life. The tone of his emails after he got home from work that evening were COMPLETELY different than any previous ones. They seemed cold. I thought maybe he was tired. He indicated that when he checked the work schedule, that he supposedly wasn't going to have a day off till after the new year (he's a technician working for the post office in a major metro). That seemed a bit hard to believe, but perhaps.... I tried to be understanding, and said that I was sorry (tried to see things from his perspective) that he had to work so much and that that must be so hard for him, but not to worry, that I'm not going anywhere and that he's worth the wait. Then the following evening he seemed to pick up the pace a bit more, saying that he just viewed his work schedule, besides the distance, as an omen that this isn't meant to work out. I was BAFFLED, to say the least. Then his tone turned a bit mean, saying something like he has supposedly been honest with me from the start (?) and that "that's what women are always touting, honesty." HUH???? Is this guy mental or what? How does a guy do such an about face in just a 24-hour period? I'm completely baffled. And hurt. What's the deal? I don't get it at all. Then to top things off, his email address is through aol, so I logged onto my aol messenger and added his address as a "friend," and guess what - he's been on messenger during his supposed work hours several Wednesdays and Thursdays every week since we went out. The damn liar....
And so, here I am now. Been a bit of a stretch now since my last date. Not too used to that.
BUT, is a truly lasting worthwhile relationship ever possible for me again? Hum......reading back through the above, it sure doesn’t look like it! One thought I’ve had lately is perhaps we get just one shot in life to get this marriage thing right - if you blow it, you’re screwed. Perhaps second marriages work out for some, but statistics are against it. I guess time will tell.....
