07/01/03 - Without informing me ahead of time, this evening on two occasions my estranged husband dropped by my house, entered the garage, and removed some of the tools he'd previously left behind. The court had ordered that I would have sole and exclusive use of the home. I am not comfortable with my estranged husband's close proximity to my home and his frequent, unannounced visits. Because of the abuse, it is not good for my emotional well-being to have to be exposed to his presence on a frequent basis.
07/01/03 - My estranged husband was also abusive to me from Fall '99 - Nov. '02. Because of the deterioration of the marriage, I no longer desired for there to be physical or sexual contact between my husband and I. Although well aware of this, my husband several times a day would force himself on me physically--holding me against my will, forcing kisses, touching private areas when it was obvious I did not desire his touch, and an unwillingness to accept "no" to sex. After his departure early in November '02, at our daughters' request I invited my estranged husband over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner. Before he left, he again tried to force himself physically on me--holding me in an obviously unwelcome hug.
05/03/03 - (letter to my estranged husband) I would hope that you will come to realize that it does not work to force relationships. For how many years did you force yourself on me? At least three. The day you grabbed my wrists, holding them tightly to the point of deep pain and would not let go and was not willing to accept "no" for an answer to sex--that was the ultimate.
04/03/03 - If my estranged husband hadn't been abusing me the past 2+ years by forcing unwelcome affections on me plus keeping me stressed out in recent months, it would make a huge difference in how I come across to people.
03/11/03 - My estranged husband forced affections on me the past two years when he knew that it was unwelcomed. I view it as abuse, his insisting on sex when he knew I didn't want it, touching me in private places when the touch was obviously unwelcomed, becoming angry with me if I pushed his hands away, forcing hugs and kisses every time he left the home or returned to the home or before going to bed at night.
11/04/02 - My husband is very angry right now, and because of that, I had the dog sleep inside last night. There have been a few times that our dog has growled at my husband in the past when he's tried to hug me. The dog is possessive of me, and he can sense the tension. Thank God I have a devoted dog to protect me. I don't trust my husband at all right now.
08/14/02 - Sex is a major problem with my husband and I since his affair--because whenever he wants to, the memories of what he and that girl did flood back into my mind. I can't stand for him to touch me or do things with me that I know he did with her. His affair just ruined it. Actually the sex wasn't good for a few years before his affair--because for me when the relationship sucked, I didn't feel like sharing myself in that way.
08/11/02 - My husband is being physically forceful with me--forcefully hugging and kissing me and touching me when it is obvious I don't want him to (and even after I told him a couple of weeks ago that I want a divorce). To me that is abuse. I just have to get some income soon and get out of this. I hate feeling out of control and defeated because of not being able to leave because of having no income. It really sucks. I have cried so much lately--not just because I feel unable to get out of this now, but also because I feel abused.
08/11/02 - It really had been my intent to end thinks as amicably as possible, knowing that is what is best for the kids, but he refuses to even face the reality of my wanting a divorce--he begged me Friday night to not divorce him, and he continues to forcefully hug and kiss me every opportunity he gets, as well as trying to touch me against my will. In my opinion he is being abusive.
08/08/02 - Things have really taken a turn for the worse with my marriage lately. My husband was getting way too pushy about wanting to have sex when I didn't want to, so sent him an email saying I want a divorce, but that we should cohabitate for awhile in the best interests of the kids. Well, that pissed him off--totally unacceptable idea to him. First of all he refuses to accept that the marriage is over and secondly he only thinks of himself--not what is best for the kids.
07/30/02 - Probably really a bit stupid to have told my husband I want a divorce when I still haven't lined up income, however I'm just at my wits end for being able to handle him being sexually pushy with me and so depressed about that and just wanting so badly to escape from this relationship while still wanting so badly to be at home with my kids.
07/27/02 - I've got to do something about this marriage. It doesn't get any better. The worst part is that my husband can't accept that I won't get over his having an affair and instead continues to try to force himself on me physically.
02/25/02 - My husband depends too much on me for emotional support - he needs to draw from others for support, too. I'm not the one to help him in dealing with his feelings regarding his affair.
02/25/02 - Things had seemed to calm down around here after my husband and I had a calm conversation about things a little over a week ago, but then last night things seemed stirred up again. He is angry with me for not loving him back and for my confronting him (accusing, as he said) during our recent calm conversation about things the girls had shared with me about him. Frankly our actually having a calm conversation seemed much more productive than the way he treated me last night. I told him that if I was so dissatisfactory as a wife, maybe it was time for it to be over - that's when he got really upset. He'd already gone to bed, then he comes back up right when I was super tired and ready to head to bed (midnight) and told me he was just laying downstairs really angry with me because I won't return his love. And then he told me he couldn't believe I'd have the nerve to accuse him of doing anything to the girls, that he'd never hurt the girls (when I'd approached him about things they'd told me a couple weeks ago, I didn't do it in an accusing way, i just said the girls have shared some things with me that concern me, and then told him what they'd said. I know he's done some exhibitionist type things. I told him some things I thought were inappropriate. He knows now that I'm aware of things, so I think he'll watch out what he does. I also especially told him that he needs to respect The Oldest's privacy when she's dressing, and have also told her that she needs to be private around her father. I also told my husband that I am concerned about some of the ways he expresses his sexuality - which he blamed on me for not satisfying him. Then he was begging me to stay with him, after being a real jerk to me.
02/11/02 - Genuine repentance also means accepting responsibility for your actions rather blaming others for them. There isn't completely genuine repentance here. Whenever we argue, he blames me for his affair. I know the truth of how this marriage gradually deteriorated, and I'm tired of defending the truth.
11/17/01 - I just get so sick of my husband bashing me to people--not just with our pastor, but also with both sets of our parents.
02/27/01 - I don't begin to understand why my husband is behaving the way he has the past few weeks--bad mouthing me to about everyone and playing like he's "holier than thou" when he's never been the stronger Christian in this relationship. If he's now got a deeper relationship with God, than that's great--but, that doesn't mean that when talking to others about us that he should make him sound like a better person. I know I'm not without my faults, but I genuinely try and I try to right my wrongs. It just feels like he's trying to bring himself up by putting me down. I think it's especially upsetting to me that our minister seems to be believing my husband's half-truths and distortions about me and is being more supportive of him than of me right now.
02/20/01 - My husband became vengeful over the weekend--he called both sets of our parents and shared with them all kinds of negative things about me--trying to sway them to his side. I was gone at the time, and wasn't aware of what he'd done until my Mom called yesterday, super upset with me about the things he'd said and making me feel like I had to defend myself and answer to my parents. His behavior was so immature. We had already had our worst fight ever Saturday night when at his parents' beckoning he decided to take a "firm stance" with me and to confront me about some things. But after talking with my Mom yesterday, I was extremely outraged and totally blew up last night. I can't remember if I've ever been that mad at anyone before in my life. I already have had a strained relationship with my parents, and then for him to have done this. It was truly a selfish and immature thing to do.
01/17/01 - It had been nice that my husband had been on his best behavior since all this happened--trying so hard not to lose me. But in the past week or so he's again behaving in some of the ways he had before--nit- picking at the kids (especially while I'm trying to talk to him), being bossy with me at times, etc. And understandably he wants us to again have a physical relationship, but I just feel like he's "dirty" now after sharing himself in any way with someone else. I really don't want to be physically involved with him at all. And he's super clingy--way too huggy right now. I just want him to leave me alone. It's really hard. A few nights ago when he was trying to get physical with me, I told him that I was tired of people running over me--that what he did was NOT okay and that I wasn't going to pretend like it was. So then he started basically blaming me for his affair--that I hadn't been listening to him and had walked away when he was trying to talk to me. Actually around that time he was constantly in my face--not to carry on civil conversations, but rather constantly wanting to argue. It was so hard to take. I was beside myself that he would actually try to blame me for what he did. He had choices to make--it was HIS choice to do what he did, regardless of how we were or weren't getting along. The next day he apologized repeatedly to me, but it doesn't really make a difference. He had no right to blame me. Stuff that's happened lately just confirms that we're really on the same track we were, that nothing has REALLY changed.