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(Continued) (Referenced Recently in Time Magazine) Established September 2000
YOUR FIRST NAME: Annika
I have been suffering from both anorexia and bulimia since I was 15. I have had good and bad periods, but the one thing I have been missing all along is to have other people to talk to about these things.
My friends only think I talk ridiculous stuff.
They, authority figures here, say that they have done what they could for me and if I can't take their advice and do as they please, it just doesn't work!
I want help to fight, tired of doing it alone!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/30/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Susan
I am currently a senior at the University of Illinois, and my weight struggle has been going on for as long as I can remember. I have always felt like the fat one in my group of friends and I always wished I could be skinnier. I would have given everything to be skinny, because I thought it would make me happy. However, this was not the case. As an incoming freshman at the university, I began to binge and purge occasionally. That pattern rapidly fell out of control, and in about two years I was throwing up three to four times a day. I could not take it anymore and began seeking treatment at the counseling center at my school. They referred me to a therapist in the community, and I have been going ever since. I eventually got over the habit of binging and purging, but I was terribly afraid to eat. I began to drop huge amounts of weight and was afraid to stop. I was hardly eating and feeling very weak. I met with a nutritionist, and she made a plan that would help me become better. However, when I was at home I would not choose to eat the foods I should have been eating because I was scared. I do not know what I was afraid of, because I felt too skinny and I was scared of how skinny I looked in the mirror. It became so bad, that I had to leave the semester early and return home to be monitored by my family. I am in this place now currently on my road to recovery. I am eating more and more every day, but I'm still afraid and I do not know why. I am just looking for others to talk to that understand where I am coming from.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/15/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Shelly Lynn
I have battled with an eating disorder for as long as I can remember. I have been "recovered" for about two years now. Ever since I met/married my husband, things have been wonderful. He is sweet, loving, and very supportive. He is a big guy...at 245 lbs. He stands almost 6 feet tall. I feel tiny around him, as he can pick me up with one arm. And he is well aware of my history and knew me during my "skinny days." He helps me to stay healthy. He does not hesitate to tell me how much better I look now, at a healthy weight of 130 lbs. (I am 5'8"). Life was good.
Then we decided to have a baby. We got pregnant on the first try, and I could not be happier. But I am now entering my sixth month and I am starting to get very nervous about my weight. My doctor has been wonderful. She will not permit me to know the numbers on the scale, only that my weight is "good." So far I do not seem to have gained anything. My stomach looks like I swallowed a basketball, but nothing else has changed. My butt, legs, and arms look exactly the same. I am very happy about this.
But what I do not understand is people's obnoxious comments about weight. They tell me things like, "Are your hips spreading?", "Is that ALL baby?", and "Just wait, those last few months you will really balloon up." Yesterday my own mother-in-law told me my butt was getting big. (I honestly do not see it, but now I am crushed.) How do I deal with this? I was fine up until now, but every day I stare harder and harder into the mirror looking for any indication that things other than my belly are going to get big. And every day I face stupid questions from not-helpful people who, through their ignorance, break my heart over and over again.
I am just looking for any other "recovered" anorexics who dealt with these issues through pregnancy. I would appreciate any insight that I could get. Thanks!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/11/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jess
I am 16 years old and a junior in high school. I started my battle with anorexia a little over a year ago. I'm not sure why or how I got to that point. I was always a little uncomfortable with how I looked, but I was never fat. I had an athlete's body. When I first started losing weight, I was 5'4" and about 128 lbs. It started as me just wanting to lose a few pounds so I would be more comfortable with myself. My mom was always trying to lose weight, even though she never really needed to, and I guess it just put me in the mindset that I should lose weight, too. All of my friends were always really thin, too. My one friend is the same height as me and always was very thin. She has never weighed more than about 105 lbs. My other best friend also had an eating disorder and so she was also extremely thin. Because of this, whenever I was with them, I just felt so fat. We would go to the mall, and I would need a size 5, while they needed a 0. In pictures I always looked huge compared to them. So I guess that's how it all started.
When I first started to lose weight, it felt amazing. I hit about 115 lbs and I was getting so many compliments about how good I looked. It motivated me to want to keep getting thinner. I started to restrict calories. I completely took all snacks out of my diet. Once I hit about 107 lbs., my mom started getting worried. I stopped getting my period. But I couldn't stop. I thought if I ate anything other than the few things I restricted myself to, I would immediately gain back all of the weight. I became afraid of eating and of food. I measured everything and was probably only taking in about 500 calories a day. My parents really were starting to freak. They sent me to a psychiatrist because I was starting to become so depressed. I was too tired to do anything. I became so distant. At my lowest point, I weighed 92 lbs. Still I couldn't get myself to gain the weight back. I would bring lunches to school and throw them out so my mom would think I was eating more. It was the most horrible time in my life. Finally one day it all just clicked, though. I knew that if I didn't change something, I would die. I was making my mom and my dad's lives a living hell. My brother and his friends were all making comments to me that I was too thin, which I knew I was. So one day I just started eating. But I couldn't just eat normal. My metabolism was so screwed up, that in order to gain weight, I needed about 4,000 calories a day, eight times what I was eating before. It was so hard to do. I felt disgusting. All I ever did was eat. My goal weight was about 112 lbs.
Well, I made it to 112 lbs., but after being able to eat whatever I wanted for about five months, I can't seem to stop. Today I weigh about 120 lbs. I'm almost back to where I was when I started. I'm going into another depression because I feel so fat and disgusting and I'm so scared I'm going to become anorexic again because I still have that same mindset. My mom sees that I still don't eat normally, and I don't know what to do. My parents want to send me to a psychiatrist again because I'm becoming depressed, but I don't want to go. I hate talking to them and I feel like nobody understands how I feel. That is why I'm writing on here. I need to talk to someone who understands what I'm thinking and how I feel. Thanks for listening.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/22/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Alex
That's right, a BOY with anorexia! Gasp! Well....it happens, believe it or not.
I was always a big eater. I LOVED food and ate--a lot; not a binger, though, and I didn't eat for emotional reasons, except boredom. I just didn't have a food conscious. Well I sort of did--I would choose low fat over "regular," but that was really just like choosing right or left for me--I didn't care, tasted the same.
I was about 5'6" and weighed a whopping 252 pounds at the end of my junior year. I decided, "Hey, why not lose some weight, get in shape" (this is now July 1, 2004). Well, I started off really well, eating a dieter's portion of nutritious food (about 1/2-1/3 of what I WAS eating~3,000-4,000 calories a day and eating with people--Red Robin, pizza, whatever...just not a whole lot). I was exercising a lot, doing the amount of pushups and crunches I could and LOTS of frisbee--the exercise was fun! The weight FLEW off; I lost about 40 pounds the first month and gained a good deal of muscle. I lost about 20 pounds in August after joining a gym (still healthy at this point) and was starting to look okay.
Well September was another 20 pounds and October was about 10. I was still pretty healthy at this point; I was fit, I had actual biceps--but that stubborn fat wouldn't come off the stomach. At this point I was about to start dating and I was having an amazing life unfold--a scholarship to the Berkeley School of Music, National recognition of saxophone performance.... But I wasn't quite there physically in my mind. I got through November all right--Thanksgiving was still enjoyable! At the family party everyone was so proud and I was strong and fast and fit and happy. I also got into running, I was doing six miles five to six times a week plus the gym.
Now here is where it turns sour....December...I got into nutrition fascination--I learned everything.....I could tell you what anything in any combination would be...and I was very accurate. Well this ruined food for me--I started eating less and less, running up to eight miles a day (though still eating "enough" not to feel badly). I was having trouble getting the last bit off my stomach. I kept running, but I was eating less and less real food. I started eating fat-free chips and salad--a lot of veggies and fruit (until I deemed fruit as too sugary). I also started taking Niquil and sleeping with my window open (I was friends with a couple of wrestlers, and this worked for them). This definitely took some fat off my stomach--and a lot of my prized muscle....I didn't care though, I was still shooting for 20 pounds less (now at about 145 pounds).
My logic was the faster I just got it off, then I could maintain and eat normal etc. Well, after Christmas (the day after actually) things blew up into a full-blown fiasco. I stopped eating real food and pretty much just ate salad....TONS of it....I also started to do something very gross......
I haven't ever told anyone about this....I would get a water or soda bottle and I would chew up everything I wished I could eat, and before I swallowed, I spit it into the bottles. These bottles amassed very quickly, and my older brother noticed them. I stopped it then (early February) and have never done it again! (I also had a girlfriend at the time who was pretty and ate normally, though I thought she ate really unhealthily, she thought I was just a health nut because I also lied a lot about what I ate at home.) At this time I had stopped doing exercise and just didn't eat much.
But in late February I started a weight training class in school and I went into a high protein diet, but still low in calories. I ate about 150 grams of protein a day and almost nothing else. I gained hardly any muscle back, but that awful fat was still on my stomach. In April things got a lot worse....I couldn't stand not eating, but I refused to chew and spit into those blasted bottles.
Sooooo, in early April I started eating Sugar Free Jello--TONS of it. I would put about four liters of liquid with the powder and feast on it every night while watching the food network in my room. I was passing only diarrhea at this point and had horrible gas from the Jello. I was NOT taking laxatives by the way, though I did earlier just for a brief period. In May the Jello stopped, when I moved away from my mom's house (raging Alcoholic--a definite cause) and into my aunt and uncle's (where I am right at this very moment). The eating disorder did not stop here, though, as I thought and they (everyone had a small suspicion of some problem--I was yellow, and had no energy) that my eating would normalize. Well it didn't, and I had to use laxatives to control my weight (though they don't do ANYTHING except make you feel miserable and dehydrate you). I lost even more weight, but I started battling it by myself. I even had an ice cream cone at Disneyland on a jazz tour.
The anorexia had completely consumed my life. After school ended, I started working full time and every morning I had a decent breakfast--I was trying donuts and cereal, etc....but I did so much exercise, it didn't make a difference. When people found out after a doctor checkup that I weighed 112 pounds at 5'6"--18 year old male--and I was VERY close to hospitalization, I got help. I got a team and I worked at it--sort of--anorexia found new and different ways (though less potent) to get me to go along with its plan....
Until about one and a half months ago, it clicked--I followed my food plan 100+% and I ate what I wanted (which fortunately included a lot of healthy things). I have had so much success, that I am recently back at the gym, doing A LOT more than I thought I could and eating candy and pastries and ice cream and a lot of meat and I know I could eat anything. I haven't yet, though--right now I am in a candy phase. But I can see the fat that has come back on my stomach--big deal...I feel amazing, I feel solid and strong and like I can do anything. Anorexia has taken the hint that I am in charge now and tries new things, but 95% fails.
What it wants me to do is save up my calories and feast at some point, but then don't. So I have learned that I can eat it now...and later. I have also found that food tastes too good not eat. Unfortunately food is a huge part of my life, when I don't want it to be, and it dictates most of my day (though now it involves eating versus NOT eating). It becomes less and less of a big deal, which is good. I know I have a ways to go since I still do the diet sodas and the fat-free, etc., but the bottom line is that I EAT--A LOT.
I would LOVE to talk to anyone who has this issue to share experiences, tips, troubles, etc. I need peers to talk to about this--I can't find anyone who understands outside of my therapist, who is great.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/07/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Yuki
I come from a Japanese family and actually lived in Japan when I was younger. With a seafood and rice diet, and walking everywhere every day, I was very thin as a child. When my family moved to America, I gained a lot of weight and in middle school I was teased a lot because of it. Now a junior in high school, my weight is stable at about 200 pounds (14 stones, 91 Kg) no matter whether or not I eat. Even though it doesn't help me lose weight, I've relapsed back to anorexia - temporarily. I plan to eat more in a month or so - not because of stress to look thin, but more because hunger is a terrific distraction from other problems, such as the urge to cut or to burn myself. I will get better, though, I've been working on it for awhile. I know it will take awhile longer, but it will be worth it once I've got my life back to normal.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/24/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Samantha
I am just starting to become anorexic. I have dreamed of becoming a model for some time now, so that's why I started. I throw up most of the little food I am forced to eat. My mom becomes suspicious very easily, so it's hard to avoid eating entirely. I weigh myself constantly and exercise obsessively. Though my friends all tell me I am much thinner than them, I still see myself as fat. I partly want to stop, but partly like being Ana. My mom has always pressured me to be perfect in school, so I guess I feel the need to be perfect in everything, especially my body. My life has been very hard in the last couple months, so my eating is the only thing in my life I feel I have control over. I would love to talk to other people who feel the same as I do, or if anyone has any advice for me. IM me or Email me any time.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/25/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Mehak
I've always been a perfectionist, and my parents have had me on a pedestal my entire life. I was hospitalized for two weeks last year with Anorexia Nervosa, and the doctors said I was almost dead. Everything was going great after that - I was making up my missed work at school and I even had a sort of first date. But then I went to a college summer program and started to restrict calories again. Now I weigh even less than what I did before I went to the hospital, I'm even stricter about calorie intake, and I exercise even more. Plus, I can see how much I'm hurting my family: my seven year old brother won't even speak to me anymore! I just want to have a normal happy life: I want to go to college and live out my dreams, I want to go trick-or-treating with my friends and eat the entire bag of candy corn without having to punish myself afterwards. Sometimes I'm honestly scared I'll never get over this....what if I don't?
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/25/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Lynn
I have been diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. I have had this disease for 16 years now. I have been in an eating disorder clinic one time, but as you can tell, it did not work for me very long after I got out. My sister was in the hospital with cancer at the time, and I needed that laxative fix to get my mind off of my stomach so I could concentrate on taking care of her. Needless to say, it escalated from there and it has been downhill ever since.
I am a laxative abuser - I have taken 80 or more a day. I know that I could have a heart attack at any moment and die, but that hasn't stopped me yet. I have been hospitalized several times for severe weight loss, malnutrition, very low electrolytes (which causes your heart to stop), failing kidneys, and very low potassium (and believe me, nothing burns worse than pure potassium running through your veins).
I have come to the decision that you will never be rid of the disorder - you just have to be stronger than it is.
Thank you all for listening.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/25/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Stephanie
I'm currently trying to recover from anorexia. I'm doing the whole "team" approach - I have a doctor and a counselor and all of that, but I still feel like I could really talk to people who understand me and where I'm coming from. Everyone just says, "Just eat Stephanie, it's not that hard." Well it is. And if it were as easy as they all say it is, then I wouldn't be going through this crap right now. I hate it and I want to get better, I do. I'm still losing weight, even though I think I'm eating enough. I still feel fat as ever, and my doctor just told me she's considering inpatient treatment...that scares me...I don't know. So I thought I'd join one of these, and maybe it would help - any help would be much appreciated. Thanks.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/22/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Hannah
My story starts long ago as a child. My father would make comments on my eating habits - "Do you really need to eat that?", "If you eat that, you'll be as big as a house." Then the comments from the sisters - "If you eat that, that will go straight to your butt," "It's too late, you should not be eating, it's going to just turn into fat." So I've dieted so many times with every kind of diet, cutting back on the food intake and watching the fatty snack foods. Then came college and break ups, so I ate food as comfort and gained a lot of weight. Then came my internship at Disney. Disney pays really badly, $6.80 an hour, so it's hard to buy food. Some days I would eat one meal a day. I lost 50 lbs. with a lot of exercise and not much food. My family saw the change, and now it's "You are so skinny, you look good," "Don't eat too much because you'll gain the weight back." I do not want to starve myself and have been eating not much anymore - two meals a day, sometimes one if I am busy or not really hungry. My ribs and hip bones are starting to show a little. I am really scared about myself. I need help - what do I do?
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/15/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Taelor
I'm turning 16 this November. I'm from St. Louis, MO- born, raised, and trapped here my whole life. I really need a support group while I go through recovery...
I'm 5'9" and 102 lbs. April of this year I was 141 pounds. It was around the end of my Freshman year when I started to look in the mirror and feel "fat." No one did much to tell me otherwise. My friends obsessed about their weight, and my mom has been off and on of fad diets since I was young. So I've always grown up around scales, diet foods and pills, and "weight talk."
On the other hand, my dad always eats fast foods and whole pizzas and never gains a pound. So I was either watching my mom pick apart lettuce or my dad grill up t-bone steaks. Things got really confusing when my dad got sick and went into the hospital for emergency surgeries. My mom was stressed, schoolwork and E.R. visits took up all of my time, and soon enough I wasn't finding the hours to sleep or eat.
Then I noticed I was losing weight. I felt like I had stumbled onto an effective diet strategy--the kind I had watched my mother search for year after year. And not eating was, well, my comfort food you could say. Whenever I'd get sad about my dad or stressed out about school work, I'd skip a meal and listen to my stomach growl all night while I planned out meals based on low calories.
Then I started staying up late and looking up nutrition facts on-line night after night--I had to know the calories in every food I had eaten or ever would eat again.
When my weight dropped to 125, my mom pulled me aside and told me I had anorexia and was out of control. I remember being so angry with her - how dare she tell me I'm out of control, when I'd been controlling every little detail of every food morsel for the past three months....
She was right, though. But I was stubborn. I kept lying to her about eating, throwing away food, sneaking in "low fat" portions, and losing more weight...
Now my sophomore year has started, and I'm 102 pounds! I know I look weird, like a stick figure doll. None of my clothes fit (my size 2 pants are baggy), and I feel so separated from all the people I used to call my "friends."
I've put my family and myself through so much. But all my mom wants to do is send me to a shrink and be done with it all. I'm so scared, I don't know what I want. A part of me really wants to gain weight and be free of this addiction, but another part doesn't know how to breathe without it.
Anyway, I think talking to people who've actually been through what I'm going through will help. Maybe they can give me advice about getting past this, or at least hearing their stories will help me deal with things better. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Email me anytime. Wish me luck!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/09/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Vicky
Mine is not your typical anorexic story. I am bulimic and have been for nearly seven years. I guess is started in high school. I was about 14 and overweight and always hated being so. I just loved food and couldn't stop eating; maybe I was a compulsive overeater, I don't know. I remember looking at everyone and thinking I was far too fat to be valued. I wanted to be like the popular skinny girls, but I knew I didn't have the willpower to stop eating. I tried, but knew I wasn't strong enough to be anorexic. And this got me down, and I used to binge. Eventually I began throwing up. It continued like this for about two years--just minor ego-boosting purges. It had worked; I had lost about 20 lbs. and was fluctuating in a 6 lb. area. I wasn't all too serious about the whole thing, until I contracted Glandular fever at
16. I dropped nearly 23 lbs. in two weeks from the lack of nutrition I was receiving due to exhaustion and vomiting. I felt amazing. I got back to school after two months, and everyone was commenting on how skinny I was. I loved it, but there was the point the doctor made, "As soon as you get better, you'll put the weight back on." I used to get so paranoid about this, that I'd almost stopped eating completely and was determined to keep thin. I put a little weight back on, and my bulimia got worse. I'd wait till the house was empty and binge for hours, then spend hours hugging the toilet bringing it back up. I was weak for 30-40 minutes after each purge. My knees would wobble, and I'd feel exhausted, disgusting for having put myself through that, but
triumphant that I'd not digested anything. Then Uni came. I was slim when I started, probably the slimmest I'd been in a healthy way for a while. By now my teeth were yellow, my nose had little hacks at the nostrils from constant wiping of stomach acid that'd come up that way, and I was dark beneath the eyes. But it hadn't been noticed seriously because my mum slimmed up about the same age as I had. Uni was a new independence. Nobody was watching me, and I could just slip off and throw up when I needed to. My room had a sink and a lock on the door, and if I turned my music up, nobody could hear me throw up, not that I was too loud anymore since I'd nearly perfected the silent vomit by then. I was constantly throwing up. Once my sink blocked, and my best friend
walked in on me unblocking it. She'd known I had a problem for a long time; I'd mentioned it casually once as a cry for help, but she'd brushed it off, almost not wanting to know, well that's what she made me think. She'd just figured that if she seemed uninterested, I wouldn't notice her keeping an eye on me, which she was. She tried to persuade me to get help. I lied once and told her I did, and she believed me. So I was alone with my bulimia again. Then I met Nick. Nick was my first boyfriend I'd let get closer to me than my binging was. I told him everything one drunken night, and he was so good with me. I gradually put on weight. I was disgusted with myself, but determined to overcome it. Then I moved home, and we broke up. For about five months I was straight back where I started from, but this time suffering depression as well. I spent hours crying, found it hard to
get out of bed, and vomited nearly everything I ate. I joined the gym. I would work from 11-3, have a huge lunch, throw it up, and go to the gym for an hour. It felt great to have control and routine in my life, and I'd met Euan who was making me feel good about myself. I was still vomiting, though. Euan and I had 12 great months together, and I fell in love. That love kept me slim; I didn't even need to eat. Then halfway through our relationship, I managed to stop. It was great, Euan helped me through it all, and I managed to stay mainly okay, until in May 2004 when we split up. Same thing again - I slipped back into the old routine, but this time it got worse. In September I moved back to Uni and moved in with my best friend from the first time I was at
Uni. We had so much fun, but my room was en-suite, so I had so access to the bathroom. I was working and had a bursary, so I was on about £800 a month. But I was constantly broke because the food was costing me so much. I got bad until about May this year when everything seemed to look up. I was still vomiting, but so much less. I recently went through a two month period when I was sick about twice. I was so proud of myself and I'm a regular healthy slim size now - I'm even having skinny days. But I can feel myself starting to slip into my old ways again, though, and I don't want to go back when I've come so far. I just wish I could tell someone else....
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/07/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Amy
I would like to talk to people like myself who suffer from anorexia. I am at the stage where I feel I need to talk to someone who can understand me. I used to have anorexia when I was 16-19 years old and managed to recover quite well when I settled down and had two children. I have a partner who I have been with for five years and is the father of my children. He has recently been sent to serve a prison sentence, leaving me with a mortgage, house, no money and two young children under five. The depression began to set in about six weeks ago, and now my eating disorder has started to come back. Now I feel that it is at the stage where I need some help.
Hope to hear from someone soon!!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/16/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Michelle
I don't know where to start exactly. I've always had this idea that I was not who I actually was suppose to be, standing where I was and how I looked. My father was an avid body builder who was seriously into his looks. I was a slightly overweight child, but most people would not notice, until one day the neighbor, your typical pretty little blonde teenage girl, walked past me on her way back home with her friends and yelled out to me, "Hey, fat kid!!!" I was horrified. I had never exactly walked with my head held high, but now my ego was blown to itty bitty pieces. For the rest of my life, my parents thought that I could handle a lot of responsibility, like telling us over four times at separate occasions that we were broke and we might lose our house (eventually we did). I also survived through Meningitis when I was in 9th grade. After that whole bout, I started spiraling down - smoking drugs, having sex, lying to my parents, running away from home, drinking alcohol, anything to harm myself including not eating. I was so busy with my tweaking life, the only food I ate was when I smoked pot and had a craving. But by the end pot had vanished and hash, acid and cocaine settled around me. In grade twelve I was wakened up out of my nasty habits by the doctor telling me I was three months pregnant. I denied the whole ordeal for a couple of weeks, but decided it was time to face reality. My eating habits were very messed up, and I didn't know what a complete meal was. My mother barely noticed a thing - she went on thinking I had just put on a few pounds and I looked healthier. At seven months into my pregnancy, I told my mother. She was flabbergasted. My mother watched me like a hawk, feeding me continuously. I gave birth to a healthy boy of 8 pounds 4 ounces. I weighed over 215 pounds. I enrolled into college, where I became very preoccupied with everything else but eating. My mother took care of my son while I studied, drank, smoked, organized pubs, had sex, did drugs. I went out dancing every Friday and Saturday night. When I graduated, I weighed in at 120 pounds, standing 5'5", red scaling skin spots, thinned dried hair with a receding line, and the bones protruding out of my neck. I would pass out on a regular basis, but kept on going with this lifestyle while working in bars and restaurants, working until 3 a.m. and partying until 5 a.m., running from one job to another. Finally I ran into an old friend of mine, whom I moved into my apartment. She made me realize what I was doing it myself. She was a recovering bulimic, on top of being a juvenile diabetic. She worked with me and helped me out. When she left to move out of town, I ballooned to 220 pounds. Afraid of gaining anymore weight, I sought help and ended up dropping to 130 pounds. I've yoyo'd many times, but lately I've been dropping weight and cutting out food, obsessing over every little thing, including where I can shop to how big my stomach is. I feel alone and lost. I do have to admit that I'm not ready to get better. I want to be thin again. I just want someone to listen, to support me, to relate to my situation, to understand my feelings and my obsession. I am not afraid, I think.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and hope I can help someone as well someday.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/22/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Dara
I just recently joined this group and thought I would introduce myself. I am a 28 year old who currently suffers from anorexia. I have had body issues since I was young. In fact, I can remember the exact second that I started worrying about my weight. I was six years old and sitting on the couch with my mom (who also has severe body issues). She was looking at her thighs and asked me if I thought they were fat. I said I wasn't sure. I looked at my thighs, and they looked like they were the same size as hers, and so I thought they were fat, too. And so started my lifelong obsession with weight.
I have varied in weight from 76 pounds (which is where I am currently) to 140 pounds, which I was during my first year of University (10 years ago). I am 5'2" tall, so my ideal weight is around 105, but the doctor would be happy if I was at 93 pounds (which has been my stable weight for most of my life).
Although I have always watched what I eat, I have suffered from two serious bouts of anorexia in my life - once after a bad break-up with my ex boyfriend when I was 18, and another after my fiance lost his job (this time I added exercise to the mix and without realizing it became very thin). I decided to start my recovery a few weeks ago,
after my fiance told me that he blamed himself for my lack of eating and my current physical state. I told him it had absolutely nothing to do with him, but I noticed that my condition was starting to negatively affect our relationship. I also began to notice that I was looking really bad, and my clothes (even my skinny clothes) were
hanging on me and I was looking awful (almost old looking). The first step I took was pledging to not exercise (I was burning off huge amounts of calories doing cardio daily) until I gained back at least 20 pounds (I still walk every day to stay healthy, but it's a far cry
from the obsessive amount of exercise I was doing). I am also slowly beginning to add foods to my strict diet of veggies and I have begun to read books on recovering from eating disorders. Actually there is a really good book right now, The Beginner's Guide to Eating Disorders
by Nancy Kolodny. I am hoping that I will begin to see some positive results, but it is hard. I still feel guilty when I put anything non-veggie into my mouth and feel I need to work it off somehow. I hope to change that type of thought as my recovery continues. I am also going to see a nutritionist. I have a control issue and hate it if I can't plan things. So for me I find following a strict diet, set out by someone else, will be better than half hazardly eating just anything to try and gain weight.
I am getting married to my University sweetheart on November 21, 2005 (our 10th year anniversary). It is going to be a very small wedding done by the Justice of the Peace.
I have two fur kids - a Lhasa Apso named Lucky and a small seven pound Japanese Chin named Violet (our little princess). We live in a small condo (made even smaller by the large quantity of art and craft supplies). Both of us are very artistic!!
Anyway, I guess this intro is long enough. I hope to meet some nice people in this group and get some support during my attempt to recover from this nasty disorder!!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/14/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Steve
I've never thought of the fact that I might have an eating disorder. All my life I've been very thin. Recently I've realized that I only eat one meal a week and the rest of the time I just snack on whatever is convenient. I would tell myself that I'm just a bachelor and I don't have time or the desire to cook. Now I'm not sure. I'm 5'6" and I weigh 105 lbs. I have a problem, but I'm not sure what it is or what I can do about it.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/14/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Vicki
Ever since I can remember I was told I was fat, yet never exceeded the weight of 130, if I was even that much, and that was at the age of 16. I'm 5'4". That was pretty good, but now I'm 17 and 107, still at a height of 5'4". I am losing weight pretty rapidly and haven't had my period for the longest time.
Well, my mother and father split up, and she worked night shifts as a cop. When she retired, she didn't really know how to be a mother anymore. She was my best friend, but not my mother. There was never any structure in the house, no time to h.w. or eat or shower or sleep. Everything was up to me since I was probably around eight years old. She never cooked, so I usually ate snacks because I never knew how to cook. She felt shopping was a chore, that she just wasn't up for doing. Because of a lack of structure, my grades were slipping, I wasn't really helping out around the house, and I was cutting...(not school) I was very depressed. Without realizing it, I had stopped eating. I just thought I wasn't hungry, but it was that when I would get hungry, I would sleep. So things have been going downhill from there. I had to actually convince myself I was fat and that it was good to not eat, as a method of not thinking about being hungry since there was nothing to eat anyway. Well...I told my mother, she sent me to therapy, and nothing changed. Everyone in my family knows, and I'm always hearing how skinny I am. I don't think I am, though. I actually think I can lose some more weight. I've gone to my father to ask him to buy me food, and all I hear from him when we go food shopping is how what I like to eat is garbage. He is literally a health FREAK, and I can't stand it.
I'm never hungry, and a part of me is scared, but the other part of me is like, "Hey, this is a way of life, not just a way of life, but it's your only way of life...no big deal, stop complaining!" I more or less know the consequences of what I am doing, and can't say I mind much. I don't have much going for me, although I am a very smart person...academically I'm not the brightest, lately due to family problems, sleeping all day, stress, and depression. But I also don't really have any friends anymore - by sleeping all day, I began to lose touch with them, and they were always asking me questions about my eating and trying to fix things by thinking they could solve all of my problems...and just...I don't have a boy friend. I guess it's normal for someone of my age to live like this, probably everyone does. I'm just blabbing about it. I'm done, though....
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/12/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Amanda Rose
I've been overweight my entire life. I don't remember a time when I wasn't. In grade six, at the age of 12, I went on my first diet. I did well, but then I gained back more than I'd lost. I tried to lose weight continuously, going on diets that people recommended. Kids were always mean to me. I was always made fun of for being fat. My mom was paranoid I'd get diabetes because I was overweight. Even adults were rude to me. My kindergarten teacher didn't even treat me fairly because of my weight . Once when I was really young, my mother took me shopping and a lady at the cash said, "Eat too many Wheaties?" I was often told not to eat when I was hungry, so I developed bad binge eating habits when no one was home. I was at my peak weight of 257 lbs. in grade eight. I buckled down and lost 40 lbs. in a healthy manner and kept it off for about a year. Half way through grade nine I decided to lose more. I took it too far. It got to the point where I was exercising every day (intensely) and only eating 93 mls of food three times a day. I only ate because I know you have to eat to make your metabolism go, which makes you lose weight. After getting down to 120 lbs. (over a year of 93 ml meals and intense exercise), I started recovery. I've been recovering for over a year now, but I'm still suffering. I've come a long way, but I have really bad days. I am happy to talk to people who need to start recovery and anyone who wants to lend an ear.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/11/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Ashleigh
I've been trying to cope with anorexia for three months now. I didn't tell anyone at first because I was scared (my family is VERY strict). I told my mum, and it's easier to cope with a little help.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/03/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Beth
I have been anorexic forever, but seriously underweight for about three years. I am finding it really hard to overcome my fear of food. My anorexia is my best friend and my worst enemy. I am finding it really hard to get
help because I have very little money, and noone in the NHS seems able to help. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/28/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sawyer
When I was 13 years old, I started noticing that I weighed more than I wanted. I only weighed 115 pounds, but to me it seemed like so much. So I decided to go on a diet. First I just ate two times a day, then only one, then none at all. Now that I'm anorexic, I have a hard time going out with my friends and talking to people. And when I do eat, I go really hard on myself - I will stay in my room for days at a time and only leave to go to the bathroom, shower, and pretend to get food that I really don't eat. All I really want is someone to talk to and someone I can trust. So please help me, if you can, and everyone that is going through the same thing as me - good luck!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/18/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Megan
I have been struggling with anorexia and bulimia (mainly anorexia) for the past 14 years. My story began like a lot of anorexics, from a comment made by a
boy when I was 12. I was told that makeup would never do me any good, so I just naturally assumed that I must be fat. It's amazing how the mind can jump that far. I started diet pills, which of course never worked and they still don't. So, when that happened, I just started skipping meals, which led to stopping all food consumption. I continued doing that for most of high school and the two years I attended college. It was when I was 23, that I was finally hospitalized, and the whole world seemed to know why. I was evaluated by a shrink, who knew absolutely squat about women's issues or eating disorders. After I was released and my health began to improve, I fell right back into old habits and continued them until I found out last year that I was pregnant. A year and about 20 lbs. later, I find myself at a loss; more like I am lost. I would just like the opportunity to talk to other people who feel like me. Thank you for taking time out to listen to my life.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/15/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Carmela
I am married for a little bit more than a year now and have been living in Nassau, Bahamas since March 1. I was never really a fat kid, but I used to eat normally until internship when I started to become really conscious about my body image. I wanted to look good and I feel fat all the time, even though I'm always below 100 pounds. I am now 91 pounds and sometimes lighter. It all started out with me not eating fatty foods when I feel fat, but then it became a habit. I became overly conscious about everything I'm putting in my body. I don't eat on time anymore. I only eat when my stomach hurts real badly already or when I don't have any energy to do my daily activities. I thought I was still normal, just skipping meals, until this week when I felt like I don't feel full or hungry anymore. Nothing gives me the appetite. I just eat to put something in. I think I need help. I'm getting worse. I don't like to live like this. Please give me advice. How can I reverse this eating disorder? Thanks a lot.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/15/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Wendy
I lived with anorexia through my teenage years - that's a major thing that I just wrote "anorexia" - I hate the word and usually just refer to being "ill." My earliest memory of being revolted with my physical image is when I was about seven years old. I'd say the disorder manifested itself properly around 13 years old and I guess I stopped having the physical symptoms of the disorder around 17 or 18 years of age. I have lived with the psychological shadow ever since, never shaken it off, never stopped hating myself, feeling awkward in my body, scrutinizing my reflection. To the outside world I have looked like a normal, healthy, slim woman, but inside my head I have been so utterly miserable and depressed with myself. My situation changed last year when I became pregnant, unplanned. The main reason I had put off having kids was my utter terror of getting fat and staying fat. So when I found out I was pregnant, I was in a real dilemma. I went ahead with the pregnancy - I am in a long term and very loving relationship, and my partner is very supportive, always has been. My pregnancy was a massive challenge and if it had not been for the happy hormones kicking in at around three months, I think I would have gone insane. Somehow, though, my head managed to rationalize the weight gain because my body looked pregnant, rather than just fat. The real nightmare started after my daughter was born. She is now nine months old, and I love her very much. But obviously the happy hormones have left me a long time ago and even all these months on and despite eating a sensible low fat diet (I am vegan) and going to the gym two or three times a week, I have still not lost much of the additional weight I gained during pregnancy. This is a source of immense sadness and depression for me, sometimes I don't think I can take it any longer. I no longer have the visual excuse of being pregnant, I am just chubby and flabby and irrelevant and miserable and I am terrified that I will never lose the weight and get back to normal. I really despair. If I could believe that if I just hang on in there I will eventually lose it, I would feel there was light at the end of the tunnel. The ironic thing is, now that I have real flab to lose, I look back and realize that for the last 15 years of my life I've been busy hating my body and thinking I was fat when in actual fact I looked great. I wasted so much energy hating myself and now I look at the photos of me before the pregnancy and compare them to what I'm left with now and I feel so cheated. I fully appreciate and agree with the site's policy regarding not promoting anorexics' weight loss. I hope you understand that isn't really my issue - I'm not a practicing anorexic still desperate to diet myself into oblivion. For years I have struggled, but coped with still being mentally obsessed with self hatred and negative body image. But now, post-pregnancy, I am finding dealing with the additional weight gain really impossible to bear. I feel like such a failure because you'd think after nine months, I'd have lost it already and be back to my normal self. I don't know what to do.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/14/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sara
This is the third time I have gone through this, anorexia, that is. The first time was the summer before I turned 12 - I was only about 4'11" and I got all the way down to 51 pounds. I spent two and a half months at the hospital and underwent family, individual, and recreational therapy. I had a small relapse when I returned home, but it didn't last too long, and I stayed well all the way up until I went off to college. I went to school about four hours away and kind of got homesick after about one month or so. That's when I started losing the weight again. After my first semester, I was so small that my parents were very worried when I came home for Christmas break. Two months after my second semester I went back in the hospital, a different one, where I only stayed about one week or so because all they did was keep me doped up on drugs and kept forcing me to eat, never addressing any of the mental or emotional needs. Both times I simply just didn't eat and exercised excessively. I never threw up or used laxatives or anything like that. This time, my third round, developed about a year or so after I got married and, needless to say, it has just about broken up my marriage - we are currently separated. To make matters worse, I don't have any insurance, so it is almost impossible to find help. This time I have been "suffering" for a year and a half and still have not found any help and almost feel desperate. Anyway, that's my story.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/08/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Dara
I have been battling anorexia since I am a kid, around 11 years old, on and off till I was about 16 when I picked it up full time and have been starving myself ever since on a regular basis. I have done everything to lose weight, regardless of how thin I was...laxatives, not eating for days, excessive exercise to the point of becoming OCD...smoking, drugs, coffee...anything to not eat. I suffer from chronic migraines, insomnia, faint feeling, lack of energy, chest pains, depression, always feeling cold, disconnected from the world.
Well, somehow I managed to get married, become a special education teacher and at one of my LOWEST weights, become pregnant. I am now six months pregnant and am eating normally, so I have gained a lot of weight, to me anyhow. I am finally in the normal range of weight for my height, but I am so scared at what my body looks like right now. I feel terrible because I know the baby needs me to eat well for him, and when he is born he will need a healthy mother. But I have SERIOUS doubts that I can maintain a normal weight after he is born.
People tell me I look "good" (meaning FAT), "healthy" (meaning FAT) - don't they know how bad that hurts? How HUGE it makes me feel?
Well, that is my story for now, I don't know how it will end....
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/16/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Alisa
My story starts when I left my soul mates in the USA. I was 14 and sad to return to Australia harsh townsville. I was very upset at the sun's effect on my skin. Shortly after I lost weight, I went to a doctor who told me to keep healthy was the only way--to do the right
thing, which I did. I was 23. Again when I moved to Perth, I was happy. I had a love of my life, Adrian, to help me out when life got bad.
There wasn't anything I didn't love about Adrian--he made me so happy. We spent countless nights talking and kisses over nice dinner parties, gatherings with friends.
Then he bought a house, became a party guy, and I became more serious, into business. We split when he was rough one morning after a night of drinking. He had stopped inviting me out, as I wanted to go home early and I didn't let go and get drunk like his friends any more.
After we split, I was lost. I went to friends' houses for dinner, did yoga, and drank and cried. I then became stronger, fasted alcohol for lent, ran on the beach, took up pottery, went to see girlfriends. However, I hung on to the thought that Adrian would return.
When my neighbor started asking me out, I was flattered--he was a millionaire, going to Notre Dame to become a priest, a Sydney guy that lived right next door to me. I could hear him in the shower. My friends were relatives of his and pushed me to see him.
He started to act weird, had a heart condition that got him in the emergency room, he talked to ghosts, and nearly had me in the emergency room.
My friends came over, "We know what we said, AL, but he is a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, mean man, a liar, liar, liar, liar." They wanted to call my mother. She was upset, too.
I stopped seeing him, for one week, then I was worried. I was late, had lost weight, was I pregnant? The whole thing started all over again, but worse.
My friends came over, and yelled, "AL, your thinking is blurred--he is in the black mafia, a liar, a thief, a bad man--please get out of it!" they yelled. I couldn't think, eat, sleep--doctors told me I had anorexia, depression,anxiety. My school was upset--they were worried. Despite it all, I loved him--his hair, eyes, the way he seemed to be powerful. A diversion from my life, he was from the real issues. I did have to break it off--he flew around the country too much, told me lies he was in
a coma when He couldn't be contacted. I prayed for him so hard.
After we broke up, I went home. I weighed 70 pounds when I arrived and had no idea why I had not gained weight. I was lost completely, still I waited, to see would Joni come back for me.
After a few months of taking care of our new large smelly dogs, long hikes with my Jewish mum that revived my appetite, and multi vitamins from my sister that is a nutritionist, and I felt normal. My weight continued
to increase two pounds a month.
The day I realized what happened, my face was red, shame,
shame, shame, shame. I didn't want to return to my university--my reputation, my self esteem was gone and repairing is hard--people seem to remember things.
I am now moving on from it all. I am visiting in Melbourne right now and going to WCU university in NC. I cannot see completely why men could do this. My dream now is to go to Note Dame in Indiana and complete my master's. I want to start my own business, not have a boss, or a man for that matter. I never date and don't mind if I don't
for ten years. I do arts, shop things for myself. It's going to be a long journey before I can trust again.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/13/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Janelle
I came here because I don't have anyone to talk to about my anorexia. I just thought it would be nice to know someone that knows what I'm going through. I guess I'm just having a hard time with all this. Nobody else really understands. They think they do, but they don't.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/03/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jordana
I have been anorexic for God knows how many
years. I think I first showed signs of having an
eating disorder when I was 12, when I would start to
cut out certain foods and make rules about what and
when I could eat... I also started to get really
obsessed with looking at my body in the mirror to make
sure I wasn't fat. The restricting got really bad for
the first time when I was about 16 and just went
downhill from there. When I got to college, it got
worse than ever, and I was eating no more than 100
calories every day. My weight eventually got down to
close to 60 pounds, and I am 5'1". I have been
hospitalized three times in the last year and a half.
Honestly, I see no hope. I just left the hospital a
few days ago and I already see myself reverting back
to my anorexic behavior. It feels like it is
impossible to break the cycle. I just really love
starving. I would really love to talk to anyone who
understands. Feel free to contact me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/30/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Hillary
In seventh grade a kid named Michael tripped me in the library and said, "Look at that fat ass trip." It's been downhill from there. The difference between me and other people with eating disorders is, when I started, I really did need to lose weight. I was overweight! Now I am at a healthy weight (according to my doctor...but I know the truth), but I feel miserable all the time.
Some days are good, and I eat normally. But other days I can't eat anything at all. I don't know if anyone else in the world goes through these phases, or if I am all alone. No weight that I reach is ever good enough, and I want to tell anyone out there who is like me that you aren't alone. I'm there, too.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/25/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Barb
I have anorexia, sometimes I also purge. I have had eating issues my whole life, but this is the first time I have had problems long term. The longest I went without eating was two weeks about three years ago, then I was ok. I also have Cerebral Palsy. I was so over weight, that I was having trouble just transferring myself to the bed or bathroom. I lost most of my weight in a healthy manner. A year ago I went to get my second service dog in Orlando. I was there for two weeks. I gained weight, and when I got back, I started to lose it like so many times before. I really don't know how I got this out of control. I am anorexic. I would still be considered over weight. I am terrified to gain weight. I live alone. I was severely sexually abusing starting at age three. I have dissociative identity disorder, which is much harder for me to deal with than my cerebral palsy.
I feel so lonely at times and would like to talk with other people. I find since my eating disorder has slowly gotten worse, the more I have been isolating myself. I do see a wonderful therapist that I have had for a very long time.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/25/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Shell
I am a mum of three, but have been suffering with anorexia for three and a bit years now. It all started after having my second child. I started losing weight, liked what I saw, and continued to lose more and more until it became obsessive to the point I would exercise nearly all day, not eat, and in the end wouldn't have more than a pint of water to drink, for fear I would gain any weight. This continued for 12 months. Then I gained four pounds, but instantly exercised it off. I couldn't stand the tight feeling of my clothes. Six months later after total denial that I had an eating problem, I finally admitted it, went to the doctors and got help at which point I was under 5 stone with clothes on (I am only 4'11"). I admit I looked terrible. I did start to get better and put a stone of weight on, which I hated. Then I fell pregnant with my third child very unexpectedly, as my menstrual cycle was totally unbalanced.
I decided to eat properly throughout with the thought in my head the baby matters more than me being thin. Since I have had him six months on now, it's starting again. I know in my heart I should be so grateful I've got so much in life, but I am finding it so hard to deal with putting on weight. At current I weigh six stone and don't know how to curb my obsession with losing more. I would really like to talk to others that are going through this experience.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/15/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Bree
I am now fortunately a recovering anorectic, thanks to God. My bout with eating disorders began when I was probably around 10 or 11 years old. I had a brief experience with general Anorexia Nervosa at 11 (extreme restriction to water and lettuce leaves, extreme exercise day and night, extreme isolation and self-seclusion, etc). However, I was just immature and naive, as well as not close to my family or friends. I have always been aware of the disorder because one of my very close relatives suffered, too. So I've always been familiar with it. Despite all this, for a little over a year now, I've been pretty disturbed. It started as "lose a few pounds." I became obsessed with my treadmill and exercise. Before long, I grew more aware of calories. As I educated myself thoroughly on calories, I became a calorie dictionary. I began to restrict further and further until I soon would not allow myself more than 460 calories a day. I ran track everyday and enjoyed the pain. I thought it made me tougher...yeah, right. The pounds were shedding, and compliments flowing. I was beaming. However, I grew more obsessed as time went on. I carried measuring cups everywhere and lived by the food scale. After realizing 200-400 calories a day was far from the average 1600-2000, I quickly educated myself on nutrition. I started trying about 1000. Next came Germany. I lived in Germany for the summer as an exchange student and was left to my own devices (with only a 1/4 cup measure) to estimate every calorie. I lived on chewy Quaker granola bars as well as daily 1/4 cups of kashi with some Ritz chips. Upon my homecoming, I was eager to gain weight (or so I thought) being 5'4" and 92 lbs. For awhile I did try, but I soon relapsed and became worse than ever. Now vegetarianism led to veganism, and although I was obsessed with nutrition, calories and scales were still the dominant forces at work in my head. Counting, planning, consuming, measuring...these took up every ounce of energy and every minute of life. Life? What was it? All time was, was a marker of measure of when next to eat, how long to wait to eat, and so on.
Until one week ago today, God saved me.
My faith was low, I hung to my eating disorder for dear life (what an oxymoron!) and I never expected such a miracle. On Easter Sunday my esteemed pastor, who is a genius I might add, was preaching of a "FRESH START." My mother and I had been praying for me, and I didn't want to cause her pain and tears anymore. So, I prayed to God and I knew--I knew EXACTLY (from Him) what to do. LET GO. Surrender this life, this monster, this disorder to Him. That's it! I'm living proof! It?s so honest. I know, I know....you WANT it. Yes, so did I, but I knew at one point it has to end--either with your life, or your surrender. LET IT GO. COMPLETELY. Give it to GOD. If you give it ALL to Him, He will take it. It?s SO hard, but SO worth it. In an INSTANT I was new and cured. I can breathe again, thanks be to God!!! Time is time rather than "meal marker.". I don't live in constant fear of counting and maintaining and numbers! I can live! I try NOT to be alone and I spend more time with others than ever. My mood is purely joyous, and I am a Christian reborn. This is my testimony..do with it what you will. Praise God in Heaven!!!!!!! I am here to talk with anyone if you need me. Thanks for listening. BREE- - - - - A Life Restored By GOD.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/03/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Lori
I saw my therapist, who I have been seeing for well over a year now, and just today told her of my anorexia. I have made an agreement with her to find online support or a local group to be supportive. I'm not sure what all I am supposed to share, so for now I will leave it at that.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/29/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Michele
I have struggled with anorexia off and on for the past couple of years along with some of my closest friends. Unlike them, I told my mom when I told her I was cutting. She didn't get help for me for either things and she said I was strong and could work through it. The problem is I am not strong enough to work through either thing. I always feel as if I will never be pretty and thin enough, even though I do have a boyfriend and model for Cosmo (the first day after I modeled, I came home and I was like, "I can't believe I'm modeling," and my brother said, "Well they do need plus size models"). I cut because I am unhappy with myself, so it's really like a big circle.
I realize this relapse is probably because of summer coming up and bikinis surrounding me, but I can't help but feel overwhelmed especially with no one to talk to me to tell me I'll be okay because all my friends are anorexic and my mother just doesn't care. I don't know who to turn to or to just give in, lose the weight and be happy with myself.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/28/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Siena
UPDATE TO 03/05/05 STORY: Hey, I used to be anorexic and I still badly want to not eat. But I can't. My parents sent me to a clinic when I got really bad. I went down to 69 pounds at my worst and am 5'3". I've been hospitalized twice and blacked out several times. On my last few weeks before I went to the clinic I would eat 100 calories at the most a day and would feel terrible for doing that. Now I am made to eat 4,000 calories a day and still feel terrible. I'm nearly at my target weight, which is 48 kilos, and I just feel so fat. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I feel sick because I'm so gross. I'm really not just saying this and would just love to talk to someone who's in the same situation.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/27/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Annie
I've been dealing with body image issues all my life. I was anorexic and a compulsive exerciser in college and now bulimic. I was diagnosed with OCD and depression last year. I hate myself and feel so alone. I would love to be able to talk with someone.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/26/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Hannah
I struggled for many years with a self image problem. This led to anorexia which almost killed me. I got down to such a low weight that I could hardly walk, my pulse beat once every three seconds, I spent numerous days in the doctor's office, and long visits to the hospital. I have been in treatment centers and counseling, and nothing worked. Finally I went to an out of state program for seven and a half months and am healthy and alive. I am free. I enjoy eating. Yes, there are still foods that I see as "scary," but I will never go back to what I was in the past. I am determined to live and to succeed in life.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/25/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Carrie
I am an artist interested in promoting women's issues and interests. I have had several friends suffer through (and continue to suffer) from this debilitating problem and I want to reach a larger audience to educate people about these issues. I am working on a series of paintings that will somehow describe this experience. If you would be willing to communicate with me regarding this, please email me so we can start a dialogue.
Thank you, and my heart is with all of you who are suffering.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/23/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Claire
My mum has been in a private hospital paid for by the NHS for the past year being treated for anorexia. She is 48 years old. I have steadily watched my mum go from the bubbly outgoing person she once was to someone that no longer looks like my mum in any way. She has post-traumatic stress disorder brought on from years of sexual abuse by men which my gran (her mum) allowed to happen (my gran is an alcoholic and freely let these men into the house). My gran also takes great pleasure in putting my mum down at any given opportunity.
My mum is at the stage in her ED where she wants to discharge herself, but will not as she will then be taken into a mental hospital at home. She is trying so hard, but also still has the self loathing that anorexia brings. I suffer, as I am the only daughter, and she turns to me. It's almost like a role reversal. My mum had been suffering from anorexia for a period of three years before she went into the hospital of her own free will. She feels I am a safe outlet for her anger and also tries to put on a brave face, although she knows I know this is
not the case. I am there for my mum 100% and do believe she will get better, but I do not know what damage she has done internally with having this ED. She will probably end up with osteoporosis, and there is a chance she could go into kidney failure.
I truly want my mum to see my children and wedding when this eventually happens, but I have my doubts at the moment. Recently she fell ill, and we were told that had she caught that bug six months ago, she would have died.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/21/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sara
I am a survivor of anorexia. When I was 16 I was hospitalized for a year and a half. I learned to accept myself and realize that I, in fact, had a beautiful body. Eleven months ago I gave birth to my wonderful son Jacob. When I was pregnant with him, I was 106 pounds. Now I am 118 and I feel myself going back to my old ways. I see myself looking in the mirror and seeing a fat person. When I eat, I think how quickly can I go to the bathroom and get this disgusting stuff out of my body. I don't want to revert to my old ways. I lost touch with my old friends who were dealing with this disease. I'm just looking for someone I can talk with. Some of the solutions I have come up with is joining a gym and maintaining my weight and eating right. I am just struggling with not reverting. Thank you for listening.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/19/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jessica
I've been battling anorexia since seventh grade, and it's really beginning to take its toll on me. I've become so obsessed with my weight that I can't really talk to people (even my own family) without worrying about what they REALLY think about me.
My mother is an alcoholic, and I was abused both emotionally and physically much of my life. So I believe that part of my problem is caused from this trauma as well.
I look around me and I see so many beautiful women - it's like constantly chipping the edges of my soul with a razor. I want so badly to live somewhat of a normal life, but I'm only realizing now that it's never going to happen if I go on like this. I don't have any friends because of my self-seclusion, and my family becomes angry with me when I refuse to eat. It bothers me that they don't realize this is something I cant seem to control, even though I've told them this numerous times. I'm really starting to snap and I need help.
I hope to be speaking with others who understand this pain soon.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/13/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Cary-Anne
I was originally diagnosed about 10 years ago with an eating disorder and am currently suffering from a relapse. I am searching for some online help and/or any help you or others may offer.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/12/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sarah
I'm currently completing my final year of university and I'm anorexic. I just want to talk to someone who knows how I feel.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/07/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Siena
I've had anorexia for like a year now, but now I'm way fat!! I have to eat 4,000 kilos a day and am now nearly 48 kilos and I'm 161 cm. My target is 48. I'm so fat and scared. I want to know what other anorexics feel!!! Please email me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/05/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Torie
I'm 32, but feel 80 inside. I've never felt normal, but then again, what is normal? Anorexia is my life - it consumes every waking moment. I've lived with anorexia now for nearly nine years and I have had no help or support. But then again, I don't ask. I had a terrible childhood - I was abused for seven years by a family member, my mother abandoned me at 10, I started using drugs at 12, homeless at 16, and that's just scratching the surface. My weight now stands at six and a half stone and still losing. I have two fantastic friends who have taken my pleas of self hatred seriously, but I still feel very much alone and disconnected. My friend Sarah took me to the hospital at the beginning of this week to get me sectioned. I did talk to two lovely women there who talked with me since, but it didn't sink in deep enough to help. I won't take my life - how could I? I have a 10-year-old son who needs me so much. How could I do to him what my mother did to me? I feel trapped. There is no support or help groups in my area. I was sent away and told to take more anti-depressants, and that was it. I honestly don't know where I will be in one year's time or whether I will even be alive. To be honest, the thought of dying does not scare me - I welcome it every day, every second. I'm sorry this is not a positive story or of any help to anyone, but sometimes this is how the story goes. I wish it wasn't so. I just don't know where to turn or what to do next. One thing I do know is that without help, nothing is going to change.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/05/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Michelle
I'm a 16 year old currently hospitalized with anorexia nervosa seeking any help and inspiration from fellow sufferers or am here for anybody who just needs to talk.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/23/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Lisa
Anorexia is a word I have heard from the age of 16. I was heavy as a child and teased mercilessly by my siblings and peers. Even the adults in my life made comments about eating less, not taking seconds at meal time, calling me tubby. So at the age of 16, I decided it was time to do something about it. I cut back on my food intake, sometimes skipping meals all together. While sticking my fingers down my throat was not something that appealed to me, I did indulge in this behavior occasionally. It was not an instant transformation, I was still heavier than most of my friends, but I was obsessed with losing more weight. My mother began to be concerned with how quickly I was losing weight and began to question me daily about what I had eaten, whether or not I had thrown it up. I became pregnant at the age of 18, and morning sickness was my best friend. I lost weight during the early months of pregnancy and was seen regularly by a dietitian throughout my pregnancy. I weighed less after giving birth than I had at any time in my teen or adult life. I had a second child at the age of 22 and started taking speed soon after giving birth to my daughter. I continued this habit for 12 years, then discovered meth amphetamines as a way to control my appetite. At 5 feet 6 inches, I weighed as little as 100 pounds.
I am now 37 years old, have kicked my drug habits, but continue to stress over my weight. I have never actually considered myself anorexic, but realize I do have a very distorted body image. I now weigh 120 pounds and feel fat and uncomfortable in my body. Even though I have complete strangers comment on how thin I am, I just don't see that when I look in the mirror. I have mental wars with myself over whether or not I should eat, weighing what I have already eaten that day against the need to eat more. When I feel I have eaten too much in a day, I take laxatives to rid my body of the food.
Unfortunately, I have passed the obsession on to my daughter. She is now 14, almost 15, and complains constantly about how fat she is. She isn't. She is a swimmer with a perfect swimmer's body. I wish I knew how to break this destructive cycle.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/16/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Stephanie
I honestly thought that I had defeated anerexia. Then I came to college, and the stress factor kicked in, and now it's back. I am looking for a support group to just talk to people who are going through what I am going through.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/10/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Corinne
I have been a ballet dancer all my life. I'm not sure when the anorexia started, but I think the reason for it had something to do with standing in front of a mirror in a leotard and tights for hours everyday. I hit puberty, and everything started to get bigger: hips, thighs, breasts. My choreographers/teachers would ask me to lose weight, and when I didn't, I would be held back. That's when I started equating thinness with success. I am an extremely ambitious perfectionist, and this equation started to make me disgusted with my weight. Then I came to college last year, and on top of my already unstable self esteem, I was terribly homesick. I still to this day feel very out of control of my life and deal with it by controlling my weight. I know that 5'2" and 91 lbs. is unhealthy. I know I need to gain weight, but I just can't do it. I have panic attacks. I would love someone to talk to.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/31/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Keisha
My name is Keisha Burton, and I am a former anorexic and writer. I have written a book entitled A Body To Die For- the journal of a young woman with the eating disorders anorexia nervosa and bulimia. The book I have written is fiction. It is based on research and my personal experience with the eating disorders. It was once available via print on demand, but, due to professional differences with my POD publishers, I have decided to publish the book myself. I am currently trying to raise money ($200,000) to do this. I would really appreciate any donations to help. Trying to raise money to publish my book has been extremely hard, but I really want to get the word out to young women about anorexia nervosa and bulimia, and, therefore, I will continue to try to raise money to publish my book.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/26/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Lin
I moved to Florida about four years ago. When I moved here, I was skinny. I didn't want to come, but I came for my family, especially my sister. Over the years I have gotten fat. I will not say how much fatter, because I am extremely ashamed of it. I now only eat about four times a week. My sister is the driving force. She has a perfect body, and I don't. She is popular and has friends and a boyfriend, and I don't. I know I am not happy because I am fat. My goal is to be 100 lbs., and I am on my way.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/20/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: "Alice"
The name I'll use is "Alice," and I cannot provide a contact e-mail. I live most of the time in hiding. I am anorexic. I would like to think I am recovering, though some days it's difficult to believe.
Once upon a time I was a "normal" young woman. I had basic insecurities and fretted over jeans that refused to fit properly. As a teenager, I wore glasses and later replaced them with contact lenses. My hair, the bane of my existence, has always been a thick, stubborn red.
Like most young ladies, I began to find my own self confidence shortly before I graduated from high school. I also met a man at that time, whom I will simply call Ivan. For the protection of me and mine, false names must be used.
Ivan was older and incredibly intelligent. Ivan was charming, and to a girl not accustomed to charm, seductive. Ivan disguised himself well; I believed him a hero and not the villain he hid.
At the worst points in our relationship, I was beaten for taking food without permission. I was whipped for gaining weight and, later, for not losing enough weight in a requisite amount of time. If anorexia could walk with human feet, it would walk in Ivan.
Over two years I was methodically trained to hate my flesh. I learned to embrace hunger, fear fulfillment, and live in terror of extra pounds. Weight, food and satisfaction equated to pain, rape, bloodshed and agony.
I left Ivan in the middle of the night, out a second-story window, with the clothes on my back and little else.
I left Ivan in another state, but I still trace his movements. I cannot sleep if I don't know where he is, don't know he's far away.
I cannot use my real name or e-mail address, because Ivan might find me.
Today I'm struggling to eat, gain weight, live, survive. The monster I deserted infects this body, and that is my story. It's boiled down and frightening enough to write, let alone share.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/13/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Leo (male)
I used to have anorexia so badly that I was so close to dying. Something amazing and miraculous happened that turned my life around whilst I was in the hospital. I'm now able to live life and enjoy it enough. Each day is a learning experience, and I'm following some kind of a spiritual path.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/13/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Kelley
I developed anorexia and bulimia when I was 12 years old. I could write you a novel on the causes. While some people have made their own decisions about how and when I got sick, that isn't the reason I am writing this. I have been hospitalized three times over the course of my illness and am currently, as some may say, in recovery.
I am writing because while I am the healthiest I have been in years, I am frustrated. My "fat jeans" are tight, and I STILL can't look in the mirror to this day. I have struggled with laxative, water pill, and diet pill abuse. I have compulsively exercised. I have starved myself into a skeleton and now I stand at a normal, healthy weight and I am miserable. I am very near giving up on this whole recovery thing.
I started therapy in the middle of my 10th grade year and continued it until I left for college August of 2004. I am miserable with myself as of late. While my pill usage is now once or twice a week, instead of boxes a day, I am frustrated with myself. I want to starve like I used to, but a part of me will not let me do that. I am lost. For six years I have been sick, and while I DO NOT find emaciation attractive, it is what I want for myself. As my weight has stabilized, I find myself extremely angry for "letting myself go." I plan on giving up. I am sick of feeling so fat and ugly all the time. How can I be happy in life if I hate my appearance? I know I was still unhappy even when I was way too thin, but the anorexic voice in my head tells me it was better than it is now.
I have dealt with a heart arrhythmia, esophageal bleeding, kidney problems, tachycardia as well as bradycardia, blood pressure problems, dehydration, low body temperature and the like. I know my body has been damaged, therefore it is stupid of me to want to continue to starve myself again. But I am depressed with my body. I am not medically overweight, not even close, but I am miserable. Please, if someone reads this, I need someone to talk to.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/07/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Laura
I guess the main reason for my problem is that I used to go to an all girls private school - very competitive both academically and image wise. I was not the cleverest, so I thought why not be the thinnest. It kind of went downhill from there. I cut myself down to no more than 1,000 calories a day. When I got down to 6 stone, my Mum after months of begging, took me to see a psychiatrist to receive help for it. I received therapy for nine months and reached 7 stone 10 pounds. I've recently moved from my home town of Newcastle to Chester. It's been really, really hard, and I have now lost contact with most of my friends. Despite this, I've managed to maintain my weight and even gain 2 pounds over Christmas (I know that's very little, but it's a lot for me!). However, today I found out that the job my Dad got, which meant we had to move here, he has been fired from. It turns out they only brought him in to help the business, and unknown to him, they intended to fire him after one year right from the start. This news has led me to seriously consider not eating again as an outlet for my anger/devastation. I just need some support from someone who can empathize with my situation and convince me that this is probably not a good plan.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/05/05
YOUR FIRST NAME: Tania
My 9-year-old daughter was diagnosed "drug-induced" anorexic and weighs in at 38 pounds. We have done all we can to "help" her gain weight, supplements, high fat foods... anything. My problem is now I have noticed the pattern change to what used to be a pattern I was used to when I was a teenager. That pattern is bulimia. At 9 years old she has begun to make herself vomit after eating. Sometimes she will go two or so days without eating, and of course as her mother I throw a fit and call the doctor. He says, "She will eat when she gets hungry," and of course like last night she does, but then it's a mad dash for the bathroom. I have gotten to the point that I am locking bathroom doors from the inside. Well, last night since she couldn't get to the bathroom, she threw up on the dining table. She gorged down three plates of food consisting of ham and macaroni and cheese. The point is that my daughter has other problems that burden her, and I do not think that anorexia/bulimia should be one. How do I help her before it's too late? She is only 9, do they really start this young? Please, someone, anything you can provide will help. The doctors are just telling me for anorexia to feed her more fat, but the bulimia is stopping it from being down for long.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/04/05
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