Email: anorexia@mail.com
Email: anorexia@mail.com
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Established September 2000
YOUR FIRST NAME: Tom
I would like to get some support to deal with my wife's illness. She had it bad when we met 11 years ago, but we worked through it. She lost her job last year and she has slowly gotten back to the security of her anorexia. I've read tons on it, but need people who are living through it. The holidays are very tense. Thanks.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/26/03
YOUR AGE:
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Wallingfordpa@aol.com
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YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Wallingford, PA
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Becky
I thank goodness am not anorexic, but my little sister is. This is the hardest thing my family has ever had to deal with. She was diagnosed only about eight months ago. She's now 15 and in in-patient treatment for the second time. This is taking so much out of my family, and we still have no idea what is the right way to approach it, to approach her, to approach the doctors? She puts up this wall and doesn't want to tell us what's going on in her head. I have so much anger for her at this point, that it's hard to stay positive. I would appreciate any advice.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/19/03
YOUR AGE: 21
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: lightfootr@uwstout.edu
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YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Wisconsin
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Jodi
I've had anorexia for almost four years. I was never hospitalized, but if I dropped another pound, I would of had to go in the hospital. I have a very loving mother, sister, and husband who saved my life. My weight is right around where I need to be. My husband and I are at the point in our lives where we want a baby. Every since we started talking about it, I have gained most of my weight back. It's still a little scary, but I think it would be great for us. I still see a nutritionist and I will continue to see her throughout my pregnancy, if I get pregnant. I need some advice from those of you who are pregnant or have children. What was it like? I already started to get magazines on pregnancy. I could really use your support and advice. I hope I can get an opportunity to talk to some of you. Thanks for listening.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/08/03
YOUR AGE: 28
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: jodicruise1@netzero.net
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Kristin
I've been in recovery for anorexia since last February. Compared to others that I have met, I haven't had my eating disorder for very long. But it is scary to me that I can think back a full year and remember things like secretly throwing out food, exercising against doctor's permission, and other behaviors linked to my eating disorder. I'm at a healthy weight again, but it certainly hasn't been without a fight. I spent three and a half months in the hospital and other countless months in a day program. I'm finally a regular outpatient, but it hasn't been going so great lately. My parents are looking into a residential program for me, which I truly do not want. I want to go away to college next year, I want to be independent, I want to be able to take care of myself, I want people to trust me. Which is why I need your support. I can't do this on my own, but I think I can do it with help. So I'm reaching out for all the help I can get. I love helping others, too, so I think this is a good place for me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/04/03
YOUR AGE: 17
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: kriskrossed24@hotmail.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Nebraska
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Caitlin
Bulimic teen for almost a year. I purge three or four times a day and binge at least three times a week. I don't know if I'm ready to quit.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/01/03
YOUR AGE: 14
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Katygalgrrrr@aol.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): sure2bcute, xx50sgirlxx101, katygalgrrr
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Orlando, FL
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Carmen
I suffered from anorexia for approximately six years and have now physically been better for nearly two years next July. I have been in and out of the hospital and almost died twice. My lowest weight was 27 kg. When I finally took a step towards recovery, it didn't turn out the way I planned. I hate the way it all happened. As soon as I began having some nutrition from sustagen, it was like my body took over and I could not stop myself from eating. I was binging on sustagen and then food, but not getting rid
of it as I have a fear of vomiting. I put on weight so fast and now I'm paying for it. I'm classed as in the overweight range, and I have fat rolls, and I hate myself. I'm so fat, and I wished I hadn't got better the way I had. I would rather be dead than be fat like the way I am now. I just can't believe how I could have been that thin, and be overweight now. I'm on the yo-yo diet cycle, which I know is the worst thing I could do for my body. I'm very impatient, so when I try to lose weight and don't see a result straight away, I give up. But it feels like I'm never going to be able to lose weight. It's so hard to as my whole life has been one great big diet, and I'm tired of it. I don't go out with friends as I'm too ashamed of
the way I look, I make excuses not to go to parties or anything. I cover myself in track suits. I had to miss two years of school, so I have just finished year 12, and I'm not going to my formal because of the way I look. I try
looking for answers to do with my weight distribution and have found some things like extra body fat is normal in recovering anorexics, etc., but all I want to do is lose weight. I dance, go to the gym, but I feel nothing is going to take the extra weight off. I'm obsessed with being thin and people who are. I think about it day and night and organize diet folders, etc. Can anyone help me understand why my weight has gone like it has and how I can get it off quickly. I want to be perfect, and perfect to me is being thin. As I said, I would rather be dead than be the way I am now. I beg anyone, PLEASE, PLEASE, help me. I'm not saying I want to be as thin as I was like
27 kg., but even at a healthy weight would be better than this. I really need help. I want to be part of this forum, I hope there are people who understand and
can help me. Take care everyone. Thanks for your time.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/29/03
YOUR AGE: 20
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Carmenmae_rowe@hotmail.com
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YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Hobart, Tasmania
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Lisa
I was in the hospital last year because I almost died. I see a shrink. He prescribes the medication. I see counselor, too, but not enough because my insurance only covers 20 visits a year. I am very scared--I have three little boys to live for, but it is a very hard disease to fight. I need all the support I can get.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/25/03
YOUR AGE: 27
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: shelfishlisa76@sbcglobal.net
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YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional):
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Janice
Well, I don't know if I am anorexic or not, but I will tell you my story. I have had bad eating habits every since I was in about 9th grade. I am now a sophomore in college. I don't eat for about 3-10 days, then I binge for about 1-3 days. When I'm not eating, I usually chew sugar-free gum and drink diet soda or a diet drink. I am 5'4'' and 116 (today). I could eat right now and easily get up to about 121. If I eat today, then I won't go to class tomorrow, so I try to schedule a week day to binge where I don't have to do anything the next day. I jog on the treadmill all the time, sometimes for an hour straight. My weight has been up and down every since I was in 9th grade. In early August I was about 150 and got down to 130 before I left for school at the end of the month. Sometimes when I do binge, I take laxatives, but I don't throw up. I feel like such a loner all the time. I have a few friends, but no one that is close to me. I have a single room on campus, and it gets really lonely. I have taken anti-depressants in the past. I am hoping to find a friend to talk to online, someone that has a similar situation as me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/05/03
YOUR AGE: 19
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Janice0604@hotmail.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): AIM=Janice14
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Albany, NY
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Kate
Where do I begin? I've had some type of eating disorder for as long as I can remember. I've been diagnosed as anorexic with bulimic tendencies. I first binged and purged in fifth grade. When I finally made it to high school, after two hospital stays, each over three months, I weighed 68 lbs. I was 4?8?. They told me I would never grow because of the harm I had done to my body. Also I would never be able to have children. I got a little better and only purged once a day for the next couple of years. My freshman year of college I weighed 102 lbs. I finally grew, by the way--I'm now 5'5" tall. I was still very small and found myself purging every time I ate. Finally it took this really loud guy to call me on it in the middle of a party. I haven't thrown up since September 21, 2002. But it is so hard because I don't have any support. People just don't understand that it happens without me wanting it to. I don't even gag myself, things just come up. It?s so hard to recover. If anyone else is going through this, please email me--I need all the support I can get. Thank you.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/05/03
YOUR AGE: 20
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: cheer4k80@hotmail.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): AOL IM=Armygrl83
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): St. Louis, MO
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Sharon
I have been anorexic/bulimic since I was 16 years old. I can remember the day I became anorexic. It was a snowy February day when I was a junior in high school, and I decided I wasn't going to eat anymore or at least only eat enough to survive. I wanted to be thin - more than anything else in the world - I HAD to be thin. On that day I weighed 160 lbs. - at 5'4" - I was heavy and wore a size 14/16. By April I weighed 110 lbs. and was a size 5. In less than 3 months I had lost 50 lbs. I am a classic. I learned how to hide the fact that I didn't eat. My daily intake of food was cataloged in a steno book I kept with me at all times and was like a bible to me. I researched "diet" books to learn which foods contained the least calories and would stock up on Melba toast, Campbell's chicken with rice soup and cottage cheese. That's all I ate each and every day. I made sure I never ate more than 300 calories per day - 300 calories!! I would have nothing for breakfast. I had one piece of Melba toast and one teaspoon of cottage cheese (which I would carefully measure) for lunch and a half can of chicken with rice soup for dinner. That was it ... and of course water. By April I looked terrific, but was very weak. Also, I would exercise to the point of exhaustion every day. That was the start!!!!! And my life has been a fight with this "disease" ever since. I am now 49 years old. I am currently in therapy (again) mainly because of the anorexia, but for other reasons as well. Oh yes, I am still too thin but I "look" terrific. I still attract men wherever I go, and of course that is so important - isn't it? Of course not, but that's part of my therapy also. Throughout my over 30 years with this affliction, I also learned how to "binge and purge." I call them my "puke parties." I plan them. I will eat only a banana throughout the day and wait as long as I can and then "prepare" a huge feast and eat until I can barely breathe and then vomit. Lovely - huh? I feel terrific and horrible at the same time afterward. I still exercise and lift weights everyday also. I've had at least 50 boyfriends in my life - including a 14 year marriage and a nine year relationship with a wonderful man. I manage to get my meathooks into men with money because of my looks - get what I want and move on. I've broken a few hearts and have had mine broken also, but throughout it all food has always been the main focus. I managed to marry a man 9 yrs. older than me when I was 21. I had two daughters - somehow or another - I was able to eat properly while I was pregnant with them - I'm not sure if God took over for me or if that's the only point in my life where I had control, but they were both healthy - they are now 23 & 25 yrs. old with children of their own, and Thank God - neither of them have my problem. They are the only part of my life that I am so very, very proud of. I was definitely a good mother and still am! I would love to help any young person who thinks that being thin is going to change their lives and make them happy - to the contrary - it destroys one's life - being thin has not made me a happy person. I have been in and out of therapy most of my adult life - have been hospitalized many times for dehydration, taking too many pills (mainly sedatives). Oh yes, I'm also addicted to Correctol. I started that lovely habit in my early 30's. I take about seven pills every day at the exact same time. My family knows about my afflictions and have tried to help - to no avail. I just started with another therapist who wants to get my family involved, so I agreed to let my daughters, older sister and friend come to my next session - we'll see - maybe this will help. I could go on and on, but please - especially young women who may read this - don't take the route that I've taken - it's a total nightmare. I honestly don't know how I'm still alive. and unless I stop soon - I probably won't be alive much longer. Please email me with any questions or with any support you may have for me. I would truly appreciate it.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/28/03
YOUR AGE: 49
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: srmljr@wowway.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Lincoln Park, MI
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Dawn
For as long as I can remember I've had a problem with food. I grew up without good parental care and I had a lot of responsibilities at a very young age. At 13 years old I became very suicidal and started binge eating. After I had gained 20 lbs. over a few months, I began running to lose the weight. The running became an addiction because it made me feel better, it took away my pain and the negative voices I had always heard inside my head. I started restricting food at 16 years old. By the time I was 17 years old, I was chewing food in my mouth and spitting it out in napkins to control my cravings, taking laxatives to go to the bathroom, and running 8 miles every other day. I somehow managed to maintain the lifestyle until last January (so 4 years). I'm 5' 7'' and I reached 90 lbs. I remember this one day of Summer 2002, I went about 2.5 weeks without eating anything, then popped laxatives in my mouth and ran 11 miles without stopping. It's kinda weird because all the time I was doing this to my body, I thought I was doing myself good because I was stopping the voices in my head. Little did I know that I was stopping the voices in the wrong way and actually killing myself in the process. I tried to help myself time and time again, and in January 2003 I was at church and decided to dedicate myself to recovery once and for all. I received treatment in California this summer, have gained 25 lbs., and got to the bottom of a lot of the underlying causes of my disease. Sometimes I consider myself lucky because I never let the disease control my dreams... a lot of people with anorexia stop socializing, quit school, etc... but all the time I promised myself I would not let that happen. For that reason, I have a lot of caring people in my life who have been here for me, but unfortunately what I really need right now is people who have been through this and know exactly what I mean when I say "the voices in my head." I'm suffering a lot of side effects right now... the worst is constipation. I have come so far since January and I'm so proud of myself, but the constipation is sometimes unbearable. Lately I've been feeling that my body will never recover physically, is this true? And if it is not, is there someone that I can talk to who has been down a similar road as me and who has gotten physically better? I'm a fourth year student at college right now and I really could use people to talk to to help me through this so this disease doesn't carry into my future. In addition, I think that I could help a lot of people with the mental aspects that I have recovered from, if there is anyone who needs me. I really need hope right now or ways I can minimize the physical problems I'm experiencing right now and could really use more people to talk to. Thanks for listening, and hopefully I'll hear from someone soon.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/24/03
YOUR AGE: 21
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: lavozqueadentro@hotmail.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): smiles72282
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Farmington Hills, MI
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Kristina
I am in grade 12 right now and I've been suffering with anorexia since I was in grade 8. It's been uphill and downhill all the way. The lowest weight that I was was 80 lbs. At that point, I had to be rushed to the hospital and spent six months there. I got out when I was 125 lbs. But I wasn't satisfied with that weight and thought I was far too fat, so I began losing weight again. I am now currently 110 lbs. and still losing. I find it so hard to eat right now, afraid of gaining weight and once again being fat.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/18/03
YOUR AGE: 17
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Always_Singing86@hotmail.com
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YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Ontario, Canada
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Kim
I have been anorexic since 2001. My mom took me to a doctor because she could see that I was depressed and I was eating less than a small child would eat. I exercised excessively ( I still do) and I was unpleasant to be around, plus I weighed in at 127 on my 6'2" frame. I've played basketball since I was 5, so exercise has always been a daily part of my life. I started seeing a psychiatrist and eventually a nutritionist. They both didn't seem to help, maybe due to the fact that I wasn't willing to try to make an effort to get better. All my life I have been skinny, and maybe it's the fact that I dread the day that somebody tells me I look better because I put on some weight. Just recently, like in the past six months or so, I have started binge eating and purging. I was getting annoyed and tired of the fact that people were continually getting on my case for not eating, so I started to eat again just to get them off my back. I thought that I could kill two birds with one stone, and not feel guilty by purging and at the same time satisfying those around me. All I want to do is stop purging. I know the side effects, I know what I'm doing to myself, but that doesn't seem to stop. I can't take it anymore. So, the past couple weeks I have been taking laxatives to help me to not throw up. I feel so guilty and I really don't want to become addicted. So I guess that is my story and I desperately need help.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/30/03
YOUR AGE: 18
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: hotkimale273@aol.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): hotkimale273
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Lincoln, NE
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Jessica
I have been suffering from eating disorders since the birth of my first child in 1996. I am now 24 weeks pregnant with my second child and I am finally at the point where I need help. I am so scared that I am hurting my baby. My midwife says that the baby is growing and that the fact that I have not gained any weight is okay. She always asks if I am eating and always asks if I have been binging, and I haven't been. I have been eating, although I know I am not eating as much as I should be. I am so sick of people telling me that I don't look pregnant and that I am too skinny. I really am doing the best that I can. Lately, though, the guilt has been killing me. It is so hard to eat. Sometimes I don't know how to do it. I know that I have to, because I would never hurt my son, but the stress of food is too much to bear sometimes. I am completely obsessed with calories and fat. I am completely obsessed with food safety. Nothing smells good, and barely anything tastes good. I am so scared. My husband is very worried that this is going to get the best of me, and I am so afraid that it already has. I know that the baby is getting what he needs, but I am not. I am so tired and scared. The worst part is that in 1996 my baby brother almost died from anorexia and bulimia. How could I be so selfish after what my parents and my brother went through. How could I do this to my children. I can't be fat, though. I really would love to talk to people who understand. Thank you for listening.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/29/03
YOUR AGE: 30
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: jnlb2003@hotmail.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): jesslnovak
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): New York
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Tiffani
I have been suffering from under eating every since I was a child..... if my pants got tight on me, my mother would put me on a diet to where I could not eat anything four days at a time. And since then, I have been struggling! I am now three months pregnant and am battling with the weight gain...my first month I gained 5 lbs., and 2 weeks after that I went to the doctor again and lost 5.5 lbs. And now I feel bloated and uugh because I gained again...... I really would like to be part of this group because I really need the support to get me through this.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/30/03
YOUR AGE: 27
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: sadlonelygirl27@hotmail.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): guardedheart27
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional):
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Marianne
I was diagnosed as anorexic after collapsing at college, age 16, and taken straight into the hospital, as I was at a critical weight. I spent 18 months in an inpatient eating disorder program designed for young people and was discharged at a "healthy" weight and proclaimed "recovered." However, I soon fell into the trap of binging and purging and have been doing so ever since. I was recently very ill, and my disordered eating habits were made public for the first time in eight years. However, because I am not very thin, my friends and family are having difficulty taking me seriously. There are no eating disorder treatment centers in my area, and I feel I am trying to battle this alone with no help or support from anyone. I really want to recover - I am sick of living this way - but just don't know how to go about it. I would love to chat to others going through the hell of these diseases, just to help me know I am not alone.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/26/03
YOUR AGE: 25
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: mazzgallant@hotmail.com
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YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): United Kingdom
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Kari
Sadly, I am not the only one in my family that suffers every day from anorexia. I have an identical twin sister. We both developed our eating disorder three years ago when we started college. We did it together along with a rigorous exercise routine three times a day. We work together and we are currently living together at home with my mother and my 12-year-old sister, Natalie. My parents are divorced, and my father lives in Florida. I don't see him much anymore, and my disorder revolves around abandonment.
We were both at dangerous weights three years ago, and my twin sister, Karena, went away to Summerset Hospital near Princeton. She did poorly and she was fed via nasal tube. I did not go there with her, but I opted to see a therapist. She came home three months later well and ready to kick her e.d. in the butt. I was not doing outpatient therapy anymore, but received routine doctor visits. Two years passed, and I started to relapse. That's when I met my current therapist and I saw her for a year before I went to an inpatient hospital called Renfrew. I did excellent there and came home with a "Flight of health." Two months later Karena went to Renfrew. It did wonders for her, and now we are both doing outpatient therapy. I am currently in intensive outpatient and see my therapist three times a week and every Tuesday night, she runs a closed eating disorder group. I am living because of my therapist. I also have a great psychiatrist who administers meds for my ED. I only see her once in awhile, but she's important to have on my team. I do not have a nutritionist. I learned nutrition at Renfrew and currently follow the exchange program from my meal plan from when I was discharged from the hospital. Karena has a therapist that she loves as well and she also has a closed group she attends once a week and a psych that also administers her drugs as well.
We are both on our way to recovery, but it is an awfully long road with many bends. I would love the support from your group and thank you for listening to my story.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/25/03
YOUR AGE: 21
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: kindelkin@aol.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): kindelkin
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Voorhees, NJ
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Sarah
Hi. My name is Sarah, and I have had an eating disorder since about May, 2001. I was in my final year of high school. I had been a competitive sprinter since I was 11 years old and had to stop that year because I had an injury. It was February when I stopped running, so naturally I put on a bit of weight. Also, I was working at the local cinemas, so I put on more weight from eating all the lollies, choccie and hot dogs. I went from 101 lbs. (50 kg.) to around 129.8 lb. (59 kg.). So, my uniform was a bit tight. I decided I would cut out all fatty foods, including cheese, choccie, pastries etc........ and after a few months when my knee recovered, I started jogging again - well, to get to the point, at the start of May I ate my dinner, which had a lot of cheese on it and thought "Oh, my gosh, Sarah, how could you eat that you, fat pig." and I went to the toilet and threw up the content of my stomach. This was when it all started.
Over the next year or so I threw up after every night time dinner I ate (which was weird because it was healthy food). I started running for 30-45 minutes, 6 days a week. I tried to restrict food, but I could not do so. When I
ate my dinner and decided I would throw it up, I would eat all the bad food I could find. This could go from 2 lts. of ice cream to a whole block 250 gms., from chocolate - to cream filled food, just knowing I would throw it up
anyway.
I then had really bad eating habits - cereal for breakfast - apple for lunch - cereal in the arvo and veggies for tea. Also, I would snack on licorice. Then I read that cereal was bad for you because of the carbs, so I started to throw it all up. I was barely eating, but then throwing it up anyway. My weight dropped to 98 lb. (48 kg.) and my family started to see vomit in the toilet - and confronted me. Like anyone else, I denied that. So I thought "Be
smarter, Sarah," so I would then sneak off to my room after meals and throw up in plastic bags, then put them in the bin later or throw up in the shower.
It wasn't until July, 2003 that someone at work caught me throwing up in the toilet. Then I thought "Sh__, I better stop" - but it was so hard. It continued until May, 2003. That's when I talked to my boyfriend of 2.5 years, that
I had a problem - I was so moody all the time and was so secretive. Each day was hard to get through without been sick - I spoke to my parents about it. Some days I would be so down and depressed, that I would sneak off and throw up. But now today 8/23/03 it has been one month since I
have made myself sick. It is very hard - I am still moody, and my self-esteem is pretty low. But my weight is back up to 123 lb. (56 kg.), and I am going to the gym only 3-4 days a week. I still feel disgusting about my body, but I am slowly getting there.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/24/03
YOUR AGE: 19
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: tarran13@hotmail.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Australia
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Marie
I have been dealing with what I know to be anorexia since I was about 15 years old. I don't know what exactly started it, except that my best friend was anorexic. And although I was so worried about her and wanted her to get help, I started following her ways at the same time. Sometimes I eat well, but always fall back on depriving myself when things in my life get too stressful. I pretty much eat nothing during the day and a normal dinner so my parents don't worry too much. I am in college right now and love it, but this summer something changed--I began to have really bad anxiety problems, started seeing a psychologist, and went on medication for "bipolar disorder not otherwise specified." This is all fine and good, the meds seem to be helping, but due to the stress and ups and downs of all this, plus the boredom of being at home, I decided one way to reduce the stress would be to cut back on eating--it worked in high school, so I thought it would now. And it is, except I know realistically speaking I can't do this forever. I've lost about 15 pounds at most this summer, have never really been overweight, and have always exercised a lot. But I gained a lot in the first two years of college (talk about freshman 15!!!), and now these meds say they may cause weight gain. So I'm back to my old ways worse than ever. I am somewhat of a control freak and I guess I just want to be skinny like I used to be--not "healthy" or "average" like I seem to be becoming. While I know that this is not a healthy way to live, I am not yet quite ready to stop and to try to get better, because part of me (right now a big part) wants everyone to notice how much I've lost and to be "skinny" again in everyone's eyes like I used to be when I was younger. Anyway, I could go on forever. But basically I am looking for someone else with an eating disorder to chat with and share support with, someone around my age (in recovery or not), but other than that, anyone really. So email me back anytime!! :)
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/10/03
YOUR AGE: Almost 21, college student
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: pmarie29@yahoo.com
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YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): USA
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In the previous year I had started in a new school and I was trying to cope with the new stresses of a ?Gifted and Talented Student? program. My mother and stepfather had separated, and my father was deeply depressed over the loss of his mother. My mother had also just recently lost her job. Feeling as if I was becoming more a burden then a help, I tried to make everyone's life easier. That almost always meant sacrificing what I really wanted to do, but I didn't care. I wasn't important to myself.
Worrying about everyone else?s problems eventually took its toll on me. I felt as if my life was spinning completely out of control. I realized that there was still one thing I had control over - my eating. Being 5'6" and 122 pounds, I was hardly overweight, but I continued to tell myself how incredibly fat I looked. This was mostly because my stomach stuck out of tight T-shirts.
After Thanksgiving I made a firm promise to do something about my "uncontrollable eating habits." I recall seeing a Hershey's commercial with a man talking about eating the candy bar in smaller bites so your brain thinks there is more than there truly is. I decided that this was an excellent way to start. I began to cut foods out of my diet that I found to be completely unacceptable. At first the list of "bad foods" started with just food high in fat, but it later contained any item that was high in sugar, high in calories, or had too many complex carbohydrates. The carbohydrate addition was a result of a friend informing me that unused carbs result in fat. I was completely obsessed. My life was consumed by schoolwork and eating (or lack there of). I was depressed because I couldn't hold an interesting conversation with my fellow classmates, but I realize now that it was simply because we had nothing in common. While everyone else was thinking about parties, dances, and boys, I was obsessed with getting A's, calories, and fat. I found myself not enjoying life at all. I simply went through the motions of each day, hardly feeling anything at all.
By the time I had reached 84 pounds, I was missing school and sleeping the majority of the day. My mom, seeing that I had a problem, managed to add about 10 pounds onto my emaciated frame. It didn't help much. My face was so hollowed that it resembled that of a skull with skin clinging to it. My ribs and spinal column protruded so much from my body that you could count each one. The inner parts of my thighs never touched, even when I would lay on my side. I never realized how much pain I was in.
By the time my mother had taken me the hospital, I was 94 pounds. I was diagnosed that night as having anorexia nervosa. My heart rate was so low, that the doctors informed my father that if I had gone another week the way I was eating, I would have had a heart attack and died. I was, fortunately, allowed to go home. I barely slept that night. For the first time I felt the pain I was in. I was so convinced that I was going to die that night, that I said good-bye to my family as they slept. I suddenly became aware of things my mind had concealed for so long. My heart ached every time I would inhale, my thighs hurt when I extended them, my hair was falling out at an alarming rate, and I could feel my bones pressing against the mattress of my bed. I had this unexplainable pain inside of me. Everything hurt. My quest to become the perfect daughter had led me here. ?The perfect child? was causing all of this sadness. "I don't deserve to be here. I can't do this anymore," I remember thinking. Ironically, if I hadn't felt like I had helped my mother and father in the past year, I probably would have killed myself that night.
It took about a month to find help. My desire to stay in school simply complicated the matter. Finally, after calling tons of offices and friends, my parents found me the help I so desperately needed. When I began my long road to recovery, I found that it was all I talked about. I didn't know I had so many thoughts and worries inside of me. Suddenly they all came flying at me so fast, I didn't know what to do with them. I was physically and emotionally tired. I remember desperately praying that I could turn off my brain, if just for a little while. I cried almost all the time. I felt so alone.
Now, almost six months since I made my solemn vow, I have found myself enjoying life again. I've learned who I am and who I want to be. I'm not afraid of things that used to terrify me, like talking to strangers or trying new things. I've made many new friends, a few whom are extra special to me. While attending a soccer camp, I met two amazing girls. Both had suffered emotionally, and we formed a sort of support group. We help each other whenever we see the other is hurting. We talked openly about what's really on our minds and how we feel about ourselves. We support each other no matter what we do. We are constantly telling each other how much we love and care for one another.
Unfortunately, I've come to realize that not everyone understands my problem. The ignorance of eating disorders today is outstanding. People simply don't understand the severity of an eating disorder. They believe it's as simple as taking a few more bites of food. I've even heard people say, "I wish I had an eating disorder! Then I could eat whatever I wanted and not have to worry about gaining weight!" I hope one day people will understand how absurd this really sounds. I want to make a difference in the way people look at anorexia. I have always seen anorexia portrayed as this glamorous way to lose weight - its not! It's a deadly disease that is hard to climb out of.
I know I may not have been as sick as some people, and that I wasn't sick very long, but the lessons I've learned within a year are just as important. I beg anyone worrying (to the point of obsession) about their weight, to talk to someone - anyone! You'd be surprised the kind of things you'll learn about yourself! Please learn from the terrible mistake I made, get help before it's too late.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/04/03
YOUR FIRST NAME: Maureen
YOUR AGE: 15
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: AFcutie108@aol.com
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Sonya
Last year was probably the hardest of my life. My brother died
the October before, and I was struggling with that. I have always had obsessive compulsive behavior, and my goals were always to be the best at everything. Of course I never succeeded. Although I've struggled with the way I look my entire life, the weight issue only started in about 7th grade. I was less than 100 pounds, which was perfectly normally at the time, but I believed I should stay at the 100 mark or lower as I grew...and so I started eating bread without butter and trying to eat less overall. But I still gained (which, of course, was normal because I was
growing...I just didn't see that at the time). Then in 9th grade I moved back to Canada for a year with my family and I gained weight until I was about 127 pounds (I am and was 5.4 feet). I couldn't make myself lose weight, but every day I would beat myself over the head for being fat. Whenever someone
whispered nearby, I imagined them saying, "Look at her. Why
doesn't she lose some weight?" My friends and family never admitted that I looked bad the way I was...they still don't, which makes me think perhaps it wasn't as bad as I thought. I moved back to Cameroon and lost weight naturally because the
food is way less fattening and I was involved in a lot of exercise. Tenth grade was great...I ate as much as I wanted and didn't worry, because I could eat lots and wasn't that big...in reality I was still 125 pounds. Then 11th grade came along, and I started obsessing about running. It became common knowledge that I ran a lot, and some people were worried. Then I was seriously obsessed about homework...after that came the eating. Part of the reason I started losing more and more weight was because I was seeking attention. As a child my parents had been extremely busy with the business, and so I didn't get the attention I needed. This was almost my way of trying to make up for that. I got to be 105.5 pounds, and my parents said that that if I hit the 105 mark, I would have to go back to Canada for treatment, because it was really unhealthy for me. So, I decided to gain some weight, because I really didn't want to leave Cameroon and because my metabolism was so blown. Once I got to the weight that I really didn't want to go above(115), I couldn't make myself stay there...So now, because of a huge amount of counseling, I know too much about the effects of anorexia to go back to starving myself, but I tend to overeat and then eat nothing the next day, and as I gain weight, I get more and more depressed. I used to control the anorexia to make myself feel like I was getting the attention I needed...and now it controls me. I'm on Weight Watchers, which has helped, but this summer I went back to Canada and gained weight again. I think I might be 125 or 127 again (55 kilos). I hate the way I look and I can?t wait to lose it! So, although I have reached the point where I'm not starving myself, all the psychological mess is still there. I want to find somebody who's like me...who didn't go to the hospital or starve herself for a long time, and who struggles also with overeating. I'm not saying I'm very fat, because I'm not...but I do struggle with binging and then not eating. I'm tired of talking only to people who were hardcore anorexics, because it just makes me guilty for not being strong enough to lose more weight and stay that way.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/03/03
YOUR AGE: 17
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: sonya_thormoset@rfis.org
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Yaounde/Cameroon/Africa (native Canadian)
TELL US YOUR STORY:
YOUR FIRST NAME: Crystal
We are about to put our daughter (age 31) in a facility for her anorexia. This experience is all new to us, and we would appreciate any advice! She is in total denial, and we are forced to do an intervention to save her life. This will undoubtedly be the hardest thing we have ever had to do...but it is nothing compared to what she is going through. Unfortunately we live in a rural setting, and there is absolutely nothing in the area for any type of support for any of us. We are blessed to have the support of the people she works for and with...they are getting everything in place for her care...and basically they need the family to sign off on putting her into the facility (for legal reasons). Pray for us and that the intervention is in time. She is experiencing tremors, heart pain, her hair is falling out and her memory is failing...this is terrifying for me to hear as a parent. We feel so helpless since she is an adult...it is hard for us to intervene...we have this chance now and are so thankful! Any advice on what we should do or say?? We don't want to do or say anything that would be counter productive...thanks for any advice.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/01/03
YOUR AGE:
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: browncg@charter.net
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Stephanie
I am recovering from a three year battle with anorexia and I am only 13 years old. I was released from the hospital about eight months ago after a terrible relapse and I am determined for that to not happen again. I just need some support from people dealing with the same thing that are my age or a little older. I still see a therapist, but not often. So if you could, send me some info.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/31/03
YOUR AGE: 13
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: blueberry_020545@msn.com
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Rebecca
I'm showing signs of being anorexic. I don't have any
insurance, so I can't go to the doctor for this. I
haven't told my parents, and they must not find out. I
need help!!!!!!!!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/28/03
YOUR AGE: 20
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: cashew832000@yahoo.com
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Melanie
I have been struggling with anorexia for eight months now. I started myself on a "diet" last December, when I found myself 5'8.5" at 147 lbs....I became obsessed with my weight and disgusted with food intake. In three months I lost 20 pounds...and I sat at 127 lbs. 5'8.5" for a few months. I wanted to get better...what a hard process...food made me feel ill. Now I have been eating, just not enough. But I've gained to 130 and I'm not dealing with the weight gain very well...I don't know what to do. MY problem is that I am a type 1 insulin dependent diabetic as well. I wear an insulin pump. It's extremely hard to control my sugars with this sick lifestyle that I lead...I need people to talk to that feel the way I do...even if you aren't diabetic as well. I just need to speak with people that think of weight all day long as I do...and if you don't have the time to contact me, please at least remember me in your prayers.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/24/03
YOUR AGE: 17
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: your_rose0003@yahoo.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): rosebud00003
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Pennsylvania
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Shelly
I was 11 when I first found out my parents were to split up. I found the only thing I could control at that point in my life was food and how much I took into myself. Yes, I was selfish--I wanted people's attention and loved it, but then it got to the point of obsession and severely out of control. I was living in Germany at the time, and so was admitted into a German hospital. It was awful, but at the same time the best time of my life. I got to know some fantastic people and most of all myself. My father brought me to England in November 1997, and it's still a day-to-day battle, but it's a battle I am going to win. There will always be some days worse than others--that's life. The only piece of advice maybe that I would like to contribute is to never look too closely at other people's happiness--always look at your's first.
Anyone who would like to contact me, I will be willing to listen to their feelings.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/23/03
YOUR AGE: Almost 21
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Lovingthesims2003@yahoo.co.uk
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Great Britain
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Tabitha
I have been struggling with my self-proclaimed eating disorder for about three years. I say self-proclaimed because my medical checkups and other doctor visits have not physically/medically classified me as being either anorexic or bulimic. I have always been an avid runner and active, healthy person throughout high school. When I was getting ready to leave for college, people began to warn me against the "freshman 15," and this really got to me. I told myself that I could lose weight before I leave so that if I do happen to gain weight, it will even out. Ha, that frame of mind got me into this mess. Why I listened to what people said in the first place fathoms me. I had always been confident and self loving, but then I started to worry about my weight. Although I have never dropped enough weight to be unhealthy, I have never been hospitalized, I have never had any physical problems as a result of my eating habits, and I have never been on any type of medication, I know that I had a problem. In order to "lose my weight before college," I ate very little. And when I ate too much, I would purge. The purging did not stick, though--eventually I really cut back on my intake. I went through this alone for almost my entire freshman year of college. Then I opened up and told people. This was an amazing and scary feeling. Admitting it to myself was the hardest thing, and to tell others was hard also. Eventually, with the support of my boyfriend and others, I sought counseling. I was examined, and all of my tests came out fine, but my thinking was not healthy. I have continued to seek counseling at my college, when I feel it necessary, and I have read books, researched, watched movies, and talked to friends and family about my troubles. I feel that I caught myself very early in my eating disorder stage...but I still struggle. I have good days and I have bad days. I continue to exercise and am focusing on maintaining my weight rather than to lose or gain. This past year I feel I have gained the most control since it began. I am well informed, but sometimes I just need that extra kick to get me ahead. The thing I feel most frustrating is that I will have days where I will treat myself to food I have labeled as "bad"..but then I will go off and eat everything...as if I feel the need to finish entire bags of chips along with whatever else is around. I don't purge after these episodes, and they don't happen often, but how can I deal with this? or how can I prevent myself from doing this? I hate the feeling that pigging out gives me, but when I'm in the moment, I get excited about eating and don't think of the aftermath. Also, I'm wondering if there are any recommendations for a healthy diet/guidelines for recovering anorexics to ease the process. Any advice? And to everyone out there, stay strong and educate yourself! Remember, tomorrow is a new and brighter day. :)
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/21/03
YOUR AGE: 20
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: phreek_n@yahoo.com
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YOUR FIRST NAME: McKenna
I, like many kids, was a little overweight. I really didn't start to care until 7th grade, when popularity ruled...and being fat didn't. I slowly fell into the patterns of a anorexic/bulimic. As I entered high school, I was popular, a starting freshmen on the girls? varsity soccer team, and a 4.0 student. I had to be perfect in every way...including appearance. After three years of hiding, my parents found out...and it has been therapy every since. I have stopped therapy now, but I am plagued every day by my disease. I have been in the hospital for liver failure, and I know that in the end if I don't stop...this will kill me. My story is long, but we'll end it here. If anyone ever wants to talk or anything, e-mail me. I am here to help if anyone needs it. We are all in this together.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/12/03
YOUR AGE: 18
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: twinkie_theory@yahoo.com or mccracker83@hotmail.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Utah
TELL US YOUR STORY:
YOUR FIRST NAME: Gwen
I was lucky and got help for my eating disorder before my heart failed, but it was very close. The doctors told my parents it could have been as little as a week before my heart quit working. That was two years ago. Today I have gained all the weight back that I lost in the beginning. That seems to be my problem. I cannot lose anything! Am left with this sense of helplessness because whatever I do to lose the weight, seems to backfire. I am to the point now that I eat about 1000 calories/day and exercise approximately an hour each day. I know that I am still in a starvation mode, but I am just so scared. I guess in writing this I am hoping there is someone that has been in the same spot that I am right now... and would have some words of advice for me. If there is any, it would be greatly appreciated!!! Thank you very much, and God bless!!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/11/03
YOUR AGE: 17
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: sugarrushsweetie@aol.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): AOL: sugarrushsweetie
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Allie
I have been anorexic/bulimic for about 10 years now. I am also a type one diabetic, so that just complicates things even more. I have kept my ED a secret for all 10 years, blaming weight fluctuation on uncontrolled diabetes. I keep my blood sugar levels dangerously high sometimes to lose weight, and doing this for the last 10 years has caused so much damage to my eyes, kidneys, nerves and stomach. I had two eye surgeries and was in the hospital in and out for two years because of all these problems. Right now I can't work or go to school because I am always feeling sick and tired.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/10/03
YOUR AGE: 23
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Cracked980@aol.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): Cracked980
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Staten Island, NY
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Michele
I just started about two weeks ago suffering from anorexia. Some days I feel so bad that I won?t even eat one thing. Others I just eat a salad with lunchmeat turkey and an apple. My parents took me to the doctor yesterday, and he said my blood pressure was way too low and other things might be wrong with me, so he said I had to go to the hospital. I got blood work, and he said I was boardline with having many problems. My weight is 90 pounds, and I am about 5'1". I don't want to gain any weight, but I want to eat with all my heart. I want to maintain this weight and still eat healthy and be happy about my life for once. Thank you so much.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/10/03
YOUR AGE: 14
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Swtchica37@aol.com
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Sue
I have dealt with anorexia since the age of 14 and am now 53 years old. My dad was a perfectionist and wanted us all to be perfect and thought being thin was important. He watched his weight constantly. At 32 I got down to 80 pounds on my 5''7" frame and had to be hospitalized for 14 weeks. I thought I had gotten over it, but the thinking was still there, and I stayed at 110 pounds for years. I have 22-year-old triplets, and last summer found out one is bulimic. I blamed myself and at the same time have been on a slide again. I am in therapy and trying to attend OA meetings, but it is a day-to-day battle to get over my fear of being fat. I realize that I have to do it, as it has already affected my physical health. If there is someone out there around my age who has been successful in their battle with this disease, I would love to hear from you on how you deal with it day to day to recover.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/09/03
YOUR AGE: 53
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Sweet2234@aol.com
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Steph
I wasn't always like this, actually I was pretty normal for the first 11 years of my life. Then in 7th grade I started to become paranoid about gaining weight. It took until the end of seventh grade to actually start the diet. No one actually told me I was fat, but I watched shows on MTV and documentaries on people, and they were always thin and respected. So, I thought, "Hey, thin = respect," and I had my last good meal that day and stopped. I am now entering 9th grade and I am freakin 95-100 pounds, I haven't checked. But I am also 5'7", hmm imagine? No matter how many people tell me I am skinny, I look in the mirror and I see FAT.. I hate fat. My whole family, well the adults, are fat. It's not like genetic, it's just they overeat. And when I eat, I feel sick. But I have to eat like once a day, only something little, to not let my parents know. They found out once, so I ate normal, well sort of, for a week. But I threw it up after I ate. And since I hate throwing up, I did it until they got off of my back and then I went right back. It's sick, I hate this disease, I want out, but I can't stop. It's not as easy as people think--you can't just get up and say, "HEY, I?M NOT ANOREXIC, I?M FINE, THAT?S IT"--it doesn't work like that. It hurts to eat, I feel disgusted. And I'm also obsessed over calories, it?s madness. Constantly not eating something more than 100-150 calories--it's pitiful. I hate this stuff, I want to be normal, but I can't... so my story is I'm basically going to whither away with this disease, oh well. I've tried to stop, it doesn't work.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/08/03
YOUR AGE: 13
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: xsteph44x@yahoo.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): AIM: xsteph14x and empty soul 307
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional):
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Kelsey
Too long and probably the same as everyone elses!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/07/03
YOUR AGE: 15
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: sk8erbaby10100@aol.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): Sk8erbaby10100
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Pennsylvania
TELL US YOUR STORY:
YOUR FIRST NAME: Chloe
I have been struggling with anorexia, along with purging for over three years. I've been in and out of treatment, but still trying to recover. I'll be starting college this fall and I am a dancer. I'd love to be of support to anyone with an eating disorder and to be there to talk and listen any time. Also, if anyone is willing to be of support to me, I'd really appreciate it:)
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/07/03
YOUR AGE: 18
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: chloesheagirl@yahoo.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): AIM: pinkdancer1137,
MSN: chloesheagirl@msn.com
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Nebraska
TELL US YOUR STORY:
YOUR FIRST NAME: Frances
I have suffered with this disorder since I was 21. I am now 48. Things go up and down for me. My weight was 49
at 5'5" tall. Now I have to suffer the consequences of how I abused my body. I also have an autistic son, almost 9, in diapers, on bottle, violent tantrums and he cannot speak. Down and out. Please email me if you can. Thanks.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/21/03
YOUR AGE: 48
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: sadiebelle02@webtv.net
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TELL US YOUR STORY:
YOUR FIRST NAME: Rachael
(YOU CAN DIE FROM PURGING THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE OF THE ELECTROLYTE IMBALANCE IT CAN CAUSE. That is the most common way bulimics die!!!!!!!)
My eating disorder is different than most. I have been in therapy for nearly six months, and my therapist has concluded that I purge as a way of self injury similar to cutters. I was seriously depressed and was throwing up up to six times a day EVERY DAY. I lost 30 lbs. in less than two months, but no one was concerned. I was in xc, and they assumed it was because of the running. I had to go to the doctor after passing out eight times, hyperventilating, and having heart palpitations. The cardiologist concluded that everything was fine and that I should just increase my salt intake. My eating disorder did not start as a way to lose weight, and I wasn't really concerned with it until I went on an anti-depressant and started gaining weight. I am down to throwing up only three times a day, which is difficult for me, but I'm trying to reach two. I never binged before. Purging was a way of taking my mind off of everything else. I didn't have to think of my life and everything I hated. When I started restricting, then I started binging and then purging like always. It is even more difficult to be ana/mia because when I eat, I want to get rid of it. Everyone watches me so closely, too, but I just switched doctors, and she doesn't know that my last doctor MADE me gain weight. I had messed up my blood severely. I was anemic. If my potassium would have been .1 lower, I would have been immediately placed in inpatient. My white blood cell count was not even on the charts. I had also stopped having my period for about eight consecutive months. I felt lost because at the time I wanted to get help, but the nutritionist didn't even know what to tell me. She didn't know whether to classify me as anorexic (because of the weight loss, no periods, cold body, etc.) or as bulimic (because of the purging), and so she didn't help at all. I lost hope because if a specialized person didn't even know what to do with me, then there was no way I would be able to be helped. My doctor started me on birth control (to try and start my period again), and I've gained back all of the weight I lost, but I was really depressed and started eating compulsively. I began cutting (which I guess is in response to the same feelings and things that my eating disorder began because of). I had my anti-depressant increased three times and I am finally feeling a little better. I am not like some of you who are recovering or trying really hard to get better. I can't. I have to be in control of something, and if it's not MY decision to get better, then it won't work. I was ready before, and the doctors failed. They didn't know what to do with me. The acid is eating away at my teeth and esophagus. I get throbbing headaches. My heart doesn't beat steadily. I feel weak and tired. My immune system is really ineffective, and I can easily get sick. My stomach cramps so badly, I want to cut it out. My throat bleeds and is scratched and swollen. Many times I would rather be dead than alive because I spend more hours of my day eating and puking than anything else.....This is for the COMPLETELY DISGUSTING people out there who think that eating disorders are a joke, or something that you should start just to lose weight. This is a psychological and physical disease, and it should not be treated any differently than any other disease. If you said I'm thinking about giving myself heart disease, people would think you were insane. This is not different. PLEASE, I AM BEGGING YOU---- DO NOT GET YOURSELF STARTED WITH AN EATING DISORDER--IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE OR THE LIVES OF OTHERS IF IT KILLS YOU FIRST.)
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/14/03
YOUR AGE: 17
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Rachael_m86@hotmail.com
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YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Iowa City, IA
TELL US YOUR STORY:
YOUR FIRST NAME: Kailynne
I started watching what I ate about three months ago. Now that I lost the weight that I had gained, I'm struggling with the reality that it's not normal for me to eat only a couple of things a day and to lose 16 lbs. in about a month and a half. I know that it isn't right, but when you have this image in your mind, it's really hard to get out. I have just recently asked for help from my high school counselor. We are working on making a plan for me to gain a little weight back and to help me get the nutrition I need. Some of the symptoms that make anorexia really uncomfortable are the cold feet and hands all the time, the sore stomach, and the fact that even if I touch my ribs, they hurt really bad. I want to get over this and I will. I have accepted that it's not right and working on intervention ways to help, with the help of my counselor, that I'm very thankful for. Even if you think that your eating habits are not regular or you might even think that they are, love yourself first and others later, and the biggest thing is to reach for help. As I struggle, I still don't understand how it all came to this. Love yourself and take that risk.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/08/03
YOUR AGE: 15
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: runwithstars@aol.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): runwithstars
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional):
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Amanda
Weight and body image have been something I've faced for a long time. It was never an issue throughout elementary school, but when my older sister became sick from anorexia, food and weight had a whole new meaning to me. I was much more aware of what I was eating, how much I was exercising, etc., etc. I was pretty "thick" in middle school, but at the time I didn't care. I was very inactive, but in high school I became a cheerleader, and it helped me to get in better shape. I was even "skinny" according to some people. I started liking the attention I gained from being small. Then my junior year cheerleading ended, and I was back to getting little or no exercise. I still ate whatever I wanted, though, and I started to notice it. Around Christmas time last year I became very unhappy with my weight. I vowed that I would lose 15 pounds (at the time I was 5'3" and at least 110). It was hard at first changing my habits. I remember getting a cold, and it was almost easier not to eat, because I was sick, and nothing seemed fun. After that it became routine. I started eating around 500 calories a day. I was down to 93 pounds at the end of April. My mom has made me see a doctor and therapist, and since then I've been slowly gaining weight. My problem is I feel I'm succumbing to food. I hate what it does to me. I don't eat because I want to get better. I eat because I feel no control and I binge. Some days I think I'm skinny. Others (lately especially) I feel so huge, so fat, overweight. I tell myself I'm going to do something about it, but then the next day I binge. I just wish I could be normal. I would really like someone to talk to, who can relate and who can give me advice to get better.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/06/03
YOUR AGE: 18
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Vahalaan@cs.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Washington State, USA
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Lori
I have suffered from anorexia since the age of 12. I spent six months at Duke University Medical Center when I was twelve trying to recover from anorexia. When I went to the hospital, I was 5'2" inches tall and weighed 79 pounds. Since then I have had times in my life when I have felt somewhat normal and have maintained a normal weight. But any time stressful situations arise in my life, I fall right back into my old anorexic rituals, often without even realizing it. Now I am married with two wonderful children, ages four and 22 months. I should be happy, yet find myself heading right back down the old path. I am 5'3" tall and weigh 102 pounds. My weight continues to drop as the thoughts of food and calories take up most of my waking hours. I would love to talk to others who have a similar story.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/05/03
YOUR AGE: 34
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: billings@chestertel.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Chester, SC
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Elana
I have always been told I had "big bones," which I hated to hear, but I accepted it. I was never big, average weight and could care less about what I ate! I LOVED FOOD! When I went into college, I gained the freshman 20. Still did not care that I gained weight, I was happy having fun. Then one day my friends decided to go workout. This was two years ago. I was like, hey everyone's going, why not? So I went, one day here and there, still eating fried foods. Over the past year I lost four incredibly close people to me due to sudden
deaths. I have no memory recall to when I started using food and exercising as a control substance. I was soon up to working out excessively seven days a week for hours at a time and barely eating enough to live. I had no energy, never went out anymore, and became majorly depressed. The only time I seemed to have energy was when I was working out.
The worst thing I started to do was purge, because I wasn't eating anything. But it made me feel better. Before I knew it I was down to 80 lbs. One day I felt like I could have passed out and died any second. I had a complete breakdown and called my mother for help. I have been in hospitals and outpatient programs.
Today I have gained weight, but unfortunately I have taken this eating disorder to a different twist. I now overeat and binge any time stress occurs. Laxatives have become like candy to me, and I can't stop. It's so hard when people think you are doing well, because you gained weight, but they don't know the reason why.
I hope someone can relate to me and wants to communicate. I just want to be happy and HEALTHY again.....somewhere out there is my happy median with food.....I just have to find it.....and hopefully soon! Thank you.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/22/03
YOUR AGE: 22
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: elanahi@hotmail.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): West Bloomfield, MI
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Rachel
I am a senior in industrial and management engineering. When I was a sophomore (like most college students), I gained weight from drinking and new eating habits. I have always been a skinny person, running track, playing basketball, and taking advantage of the great outdoors. When I gained this excessive weight, people (family and friends) would say things like "Wow, you have filled out nicely" or "Rach, what have you done?". These type of comments continue to haunt me every day and make the fear of getting fat intolerable. To cope with this, I became obsessive--first for at least a year I used laxatives coupled with excessive exercising. Then I started to date an amazing individual who put so much confidence in my being, that I stopped the laxative usage and started exercising normally, however still not eating. Last summer I would eat hardly anything while training for a marathon. I like to feel fit, yet eating makes me feel less fit--which is completely backwards, I know. I guess my biggest struggle right now is that I am taking this amazing boy through my roller coaster ride--his sister just completed anorexia camp, so he knows and understands the situation. But I am bigger than this disease and I don't want him or I to have to deal with it any longer--I want to be bigger than the problem and get through it. I need to get over these constant feelings of "don't eat that," "if you eat that, be ready to exercise and not eat," "you're not going to fit into your jeans tomorrow." I need help, I need a friend to talk with, I am tired of being down and depressed over a couple of pounds. Lastly, I want my family to be able to accept this situation and know what is going on within my mind--so that I don't feel like a disappointment in their eyes. Thank you for listening I am excited to talk with someone soon.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/14/03
YOUR AGE: 23
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: rachel_mcole@hotmail.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): Rach
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Bozeman, MT
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Danielle
I am in the process of recovering from bulimia and anorexia. When I was 12 years old, I was getting a little chubby. So I began running. I lost weight and maintained a good weight for a long time with my running. When I was 15, I stopped eating sweets altogether. Then I would only eat three square meals a day with a light snack like fruit before I went to bed. When I was 18, I ran a marathon, and after that is when I became really depressed. I still was running, but I noticed my body changing. My stomach was getting bigger. Then on top of all these body changes, my boyfriend of two and a half years left me and moved to Texas. Then I dated a guy who treated me horribly, I hated my job, I hated college. I was not happy. So first I started with the laxatives. They hurt me so much. Then one day I went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant and I remember I ate so much and I felt sick, so I went to the bathroom and threw up my food. And I was like, wow, this is great--I can eat. then get rid of it and maybe I will lose a FEW pounds. But when I started seeing blood, I stopped throwing up. Then I became anorexic. Some days I only ate 400-600 calories a day, I ran 44 miles a week, exercised on a machine bike, and went on a rowing machine for 6-12 minutes. I went from 124 pounds to 94 pounds in two months. And it was never enough. Some days I was so tired I could hardly move. Some days I felt a monster consume my mind in the weirdest, darkest ways. I was so consumed with this madness. It hurt so much. Then one day a few months ago my brother was eating graham crackers, and I said, "I want to eat it, but I can't." and he said I could. So I took the cracker and ate it. And I ate almost the whole box. And I have gained weight. I weigh about 120. And me gaining the weight has scared me, so I went back to throwing up my food. So I am not recovered, but I am trying. I can only take one day ate a time. This will always be with me, but I can stop it. I CAN. YOU CAN. We can live. We can eat. God loves us for who we are. He made us. Even if you don't believe in GOD, believe in YOURSELF. Make your life worth living. Don't listen to the people around you. Listen to your heart. YOU are the only one that matters. LOVE YOURSELF.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/11/03
YOUR AGE: 20
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: runninggirl83@excite.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Toledo, OH
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Donna
I would like to print and make available my sister Susan's journal. She did not win over her battle with anorexia. She died December 3rd, 1994. She was 34 years old. I held her hand as she was taken off support and passed away.
I would like to talk with you and help at least one person with Susan's words.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/11/03
YOUR AGE: 37
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Sonnydi@ccis.net
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Pennsylvania
TELL US YOUR STORY:
YOUR FIRST NAME: Katie
I am recovering one day at a time from anorexia and bulimia.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/08/03
YOUR AGE: 18
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: cryingflame@yahoo.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): AIM - Kat18NC
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): North Carolina
TELL US YOUR STORY:
YOUR FIRST NAME: Dana
I was always a picky eater growing up and on the thin side, but from the time I knew what it was, anorexia sounded appealing to me. I kind of had a metamorphosis in middle school. I was no longer thin (but definitely healthy-looking) and I didn't care. I never thought about weight.
Midway through ninth grade I decided that at 5'2" and 116 pounds I could stand to take off a few. I had no intention of ever going under 110 pounds. Well, I got sick with the stomach flu and lost six pounds. I struggled to take advantage of that weight loss and in the process got more than I bargained for. It was very slow-progressing over the summer. I restricted to 1,200 calories a day, so I lost weight very slowly and I was still able to do gymnastics.
I had a back injury this September, and the night I realized I'd have to take time off from gymnastics, I taught myself to purge. (I never binged though.) After purging for a week, my mom found out, so I struggled not to purge. Not only did my mom hate it, but I hated it as well. So while desperately trying not to purge, I cut down my calorie intake to 1,000...then 800...then 600...
By Christmas I was totally desperate and down to 98 pounds. I wanted my life back and was completely out of control. After trying individual therapy (unsuccessfully), my mom got me interviewed at the Renfrew Center of CT. They put me in the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP), but even the one meal a day I had there for three nights a week scared me to death and I starved myself completely and had panic attacks, losing three pounds in three days and at that point below my critical weight at 91 (by this time I was 5'3").
The workers really encouraged me to go inpatient in Philadelphia, but I refused. I went into the daily program in CT all during February, leaving school. I definitely made improvement then and now I'm back in school and in IOP. I still struggle every day, and weight gain is very hard. I like my weight now at 95, but I really want to get back to gymnastics, and they won't let me. So, if anyone wants to talk or can relate, I'd love to answer any questions or chat. Feel free to e-mail.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/16/03
YOUR AGE: 16
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Mooshimooshi3276@aol.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): Mooshimooshi3276 or Good Beanz
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Seymour, CT
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Diane
I was diagnosed with anorexia at age 19 while in college. I was 89 lbs. at
the time. After six months of minimal calories (about 600/day), I returned home for the summer, and my parents got me involved with a great treatment plan--Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in NY. I slowly gained some
weight back and for awhile remained at 110 lbs. (still less than 130 lbs. I was
originally). I developed some ways of eating and allowing me to stay at 110
lbs. or so. I ruminated--chewed food for awhile and then spit it out so I
wouldn't swallow anything. I also started abusing laxatives. I never induced vomiting and still haven't to this day. I finally got involved in therapy again about three years ago. I have been on several medications over the past year, most of which did not benefit or I disliked the side effects. I presently am on Prozac 60 mg./day and doing great with my binge eating. The problem is I still abuse laxatives--take 15/day and I want to get pregnant. Is there anyone who has continued the laxatives and been pregnant? I have tried to wean myself slowly from the laxatives with the help of a nutritionist, but when I don't have a B.M. for 5-6 days, I get very bloated, crampy, and uncomfortable and I have a difficult time even working. Please help.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/19/03
YOUR AGE: 33
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: didihal@yahoo.com
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Esmeralda
I've been anorexic for nine years, bulimic for six. In the last four months I've lost and gained 20 pounds. I reached a low of 95 pounds in December. I feel so ashamed for gaining back the weight, but I can't keeping doing this anymore. I was running five miles a day and taking ephedra pills. I've since stopped doing both, but I feel so alone. I wanna be normal. I've never had help specifically for anorexia or bulimia, although I have seen therapists for depression. The main problem I'm dealing with now is being able to accept myself at a healthy weight.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/03/03
YOUR AGE: 19
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: carebearstare26@aol.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): carebearstare26
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): California
TELL US YOUR STORY:
YOUR FIRST NAME: Julia
I feel like I'm taking a big chance doing this, but support would be so nice right now. I stumbled across some pro-anorexia web sites, and was flabbergasted by what I saw and how it made me feel. What surprised me
was how I could find myself disgusted and sympathetic at the same time. I've had those same feelings, I just wasn't PROUD of them.
Anorexia hit me at puberty. Food was never fun for me; I was always a picky eater, etc., but starvation wasn't real to me until illness prompted me to abstain from food for a day or so. The absence of food somehow seemed a blessing in my weakened and nauseous state. Maybe it was a difference I noted somewhere in the back of my mind. The next time I felt truly frightened and nervous, I didn't eat. Viola, no nausea, no pain; a sort of near-numbness ensued. More
anxiety led to more "fasting," and I started noticing that I felt lighter and more "clean" inside when I didn't eat. I felt POWER.
I didn't even know what anorexia was; nevertheless, it became my constant companion.
At home I was living with a mother who couldn't deal with motherhood. She couldn't deal with her own near-constant illnesses and she couldn't deal with her own expectations of herself. Frankly, she couldn't deal with much, and I think her father might be responsible for that. Regardless, her attempts at controlling her own discomfort always ended in her unrelenting need to control me (and my older sister). My father had very little idea what to do. (like most new fathers). His only guide was his own upbringing, so my world was VERY religious and very strict. My older sister, who was years ahead of me, seemed to despise me. She never seemed to miss an opportunity to be cruel to me. Her constant comments on the many things "wrong" with me still echo in my ears years after the fact (how stupid I was, and how
boring, annoying, irritating, worthless, good-for nothing, scatterbrained, selfish, whiny, unteachable, etc. I was). Not so deep down, I was becoming more and more desperate for approval from somewhere......more and more desperate for love, affection, and a feeling that I was worth something. The pressure at home was unbearable for all of us. My mother was always ill
and angry. Sometimes she said things that no mother should ever say to her child. I think that her love for us conflicted with her resentment of us, and the results were painfully spectacular. My dad became more and more angry as well and tightened control on our behavior. His enforcement was heavy-handed, and although I now know he was doing what he thought he was supposed to, I did not understand at the time and was horribly frightened. Let's just say that the situation escalated until my sister went off to
college.
The anorexia was not recognizable yet, but I had discovered that I could alleviate a lot of discomfort by eating very little. In junior high I was
borderline. It could've gotten better......then my sister left.
I was alone in the house with my mother...for years. I stopped eating. I can't explain why beyond what I'm saying here. I'm not sure what made it so bad so fast, but I just stopped. I was nervous all the time..terribly afraid. My stomach was always in knots and had felt that way for most of my childhood. I don't ever remember a time when my stomach didn't hurt. Not eating, or only eating tiny amounts, seemed to help. But there were times when I couldn't eat even when I WANTED to. It made me sick.....sick like I've read some of you others
describe. It was frightening, but not scary enough to get me to recover. I couldn't even admit I was ill. In high school I tried to kill myself. My doctor
admitted me to a hospital for the mentally ill, and I was treated for severe depression. They thought I was anorexic then, but I pulled all kinds of tricks and convinced them otherwise. Mistake.
I got through two years of college before I had to drop out due to constant illness. By then I realized something was really wrong, but I couldn't stop. I TRIED! I bounced into and out of the land of food and happiness. I couldn't maintain my weight. Home was a nightmare, and I was burned by constant guilt and feelings of failure. I had to get out.
So, I moved. With forty dollars, a borrowed car, and a near-fatal illness. As soon as I moved, I was bed-ridden. A friend took me in, and her family kind of adopted me. They tried very hard to help, and I tried very hard to recover. That was about seven years ago. I even tried school again and failed again. There have been so many relapses, I can't count them. Every time I think I have this stupid disease licked, it rises up and kicks me in the ass again! Each time a new and threatening stress enters my life, I fall back
into the arms of my need not to eat. Last time (after my in-laws tried to stop my husband and I from getting married.....they actually forced him to choose! How good will that make a person feel? I'm not good enough to marry their son!), I ended up in the hospital more than once. They thought I would die from complications of the heart (obviously I didn't, they were just concerned). The experience terrified me into forcing myself to eat. I'm 5'2", and at the time weighed 80 pounds...I was 28.
Now, almost a year later, I am stumped. I cannot get beyond 95 pounds. I seem to be stuck. Eating is something I make sure I do at least three times a day. Being a vegetarian makes food easier to digest, and I try to eat healthy. But something is still wrong. The kitchen actually frightens me. Food preparation is almost physically impossible for me. Somehow I end up eating nothing but cheese sandwiches or pancakes. Touching or doing dishes is unbelievably hard. For some reason I don't understand, I'm afraid everything I eat will give me food poisoning. I have to force myself past the fear just to get the food down. I'm unreasonably afraid of vomiting, and it works like an excuse to not eat. So, here I am, trying desperately to win a battle I don't completely understand. Sure, I worry about being fat, but fat isn't the point...it's just a distraction. Fat is a side issue. I know in my head that I'm too thin....my bones stick out, for pete's sake! So, somebody explain to me why food has become the enemy! Why am I so afraid of it? Why, if control is what I am seeking, can I not control myself now and get OVER it? Why can't I trust that I can eat food, and nothing will go wrong....everything will be fine?
I see people all the time eating all kinds of things without a thought in their heads that it might somehow be bad or harmful. They just enjoy it. Why can't I? Looking back, I see how many times I have "recovered" and then lapsed again, and it horrifies me. I live in fear that this cycle will never stop.
Please, if you understand this, if you have any suggestions, or even if you just want to sympathize, please contact me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/25/03
YOUR AGE: 29
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: melancholy_thistle@yahoo.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Ohio
TELL US YOUR STORY:
YOUR FIRST NAME: Nicole
I am anorexic and love it. No one understands me, and I need some support. Please help.
I have been anorexic off and on for two years and I am because I get told every day that I am a little pig and also a fatty, but I love it all.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/21/03
YOUR AGE: 14
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: ABabydoll2003@aol.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): ABabydoll2003
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Calhoun, GA
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Courteney
I have been dealing with eating disorders for about two years now. I am an All-America Honors cross-country runner. I think I started developing an eating disorder because I saw all of the skinny college runners and how fast they were; I thought, and still think, that they are so fast because they are so thin. I was never heavy: I started at 125 lbs. and was muscular because I used to be a nationally ranked swimmer. My lowest was 95 lbs. (summer of '02), and I am currently trying to hold on to 110 lbs. Last winter I started using diet pills with ephedra in them. This caused my heart to beat irregularly (which it still does) and it caused major heart and chest pains for a long time. I started eating "healthy" fall of '02 because I wanted to do well in cross-country; however, I purged everything that I ate. I am now purging all at least once a day, if not twice a day, and I am once again taking diet pills with ephedra in them. (If anyone is reading this, DO NOT ever take diet pills with ephedra in them...I came so close to dying this past summer, and I have probably developed some more medical problems in my heart due to the dangerous drug.) I do not like purging or overdosing on diet pills, but I simply cannot stop! Track season is approaching quickly, and I am being recruited by nine colleges for running (D1 and D3). I don't know what to do! I need to stay thin and I need to run well, but I don't know how to stop purging and taking pills. I have broken too many promises to myself to stop, but I can't! I saw a psychotherapist all last spring, summer, and fall, while visiting my family doctor regularly and a nutritionist. I can't go back to my doctors or tell my parents because they will send me to a hospital, and I will not be able to run track this spring, train this summer, or run in college. I need motivation to stop and help.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/19/03
YOUR AGE: 18
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Withheld Upon Request
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional):
TELL US YOUR STORY:
YOUR FIRST NAME: Liz
I am not anorexic nor have any problems mental myself. I have become more aware after visiting several pro-anorexia web sites that the problem is so big and it breaks my heart that young people cannot enjoy life as much as me.
I am 25 years old, married and without children. I am a member of a Ferret Rescue. My husband is great, but is bipolar and has mild psychosis, therefore I feel confident in helping people with mental emotional/problems since I deal with it every day. For my husband staying sane is a struggle, accompanied with medications. So please let me know how I can help.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/14/03
YOUR AGE: 25
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: LizHerrera00@cs.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional):
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional):
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Kim
I would just like to say that I am sick. I am very down. I have suffered with anorexia since age 11. I was only healthy during pregnancies and nursing my beautiful children. I am not well at all now. My poor, wonderful husband is supportive one minute, mad the next, sad and frightened the others. We have been together so long. He is with me 100%. I adore him. I am so mad at myself for hurting him, for hurting my family, everyone who loves me. I really want to recover. Therapy doesn't help me. My doctor, he scares me. Nice man, though. I need someone to understand how trapped and alone I feel. I want to eat and not exercise for three hours because I consumed 60 calories. I do not want to be so sad. I used to be bubbly. Now, I want to hide. I don't want to talk to anyone outside of my home. I am very tired of this. I am 5'8" and weigh 99 lbs.
If you would like to talk, I can listen. We could support one another. I will get well. We will. I do not want to go on with this. I want to heal.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/14/03
YOUR AGE: 32
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: Kimzkrew@aol.com
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YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Swansboro, NC
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Debbie
I have struggled with anorexia for 24 years. I first developed anorexia when I was eight years old and I heard other girls talking about it. I have found my anorexia to be a way of me being safe inside. I feel it helps me control what is around me. I know people cannot take it away from me. I am currently in partial remission. I am a strong Christian who wants to do the will of God. I am a college student majoring in Christian psychology who wants to some day open a Christian-based group home so I can also help those like myself and be able to reach them with the love of God. I currently also run a web site for borderline personality disorders, self injurers, depression, eating disorders, and sexual abuse survivors. It is open also to both males and females. The URL to the site is http://groups.msn.com/Shiningwithchristtorecover . At times to run a board and find support for myself.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/09/03
YOUR AGE: 32
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: debbie_angelprincess@mbol.us
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): MSN: debbie_angelprincess@msn.com, Yahoo: betty_boop_girl1970@yahoo.com
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Roseburg, OR
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Mona
I am trying to recover from anorexia. I have started to eat. However, there are days when I feel so disgusting. I want to overcome this terrible disease, but I don't know how. I am worried that it's always going to be with me. It's "eating" me alive--it started with my brain and is moving toward my soul. I need support, help, advise, anything, please.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/08/03
YOUR AGE: 18
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: fxmona@yahoo.com
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Dustin
I am not anorexic at all, but my girlfriend is. I don't know if anyone will help me here, but here is the story. My girl is 17, a year younger than I, and we have been dating for nearly a year. About a month ago she told me that she has been anorexic and bulimic for a few years now. She had an older sister, and they fought often. She says that she called her sister fat many times, even though she knew her sister had an eating disorder. I guess it got very bad, and her sister ended up committing suicide. My girl totally blames herself. She says that because of what she did, she does not deserve to be happy, which is why she starves herself. I am trying to be as supportive as I can without applying any pressure or guilt on her. I am not in favor of her problem and I don't know what to do. So even if you are for the whole eating disorder, please offer some advice for me. Thank you.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/07/03
YOUR AGE: 18
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: dustinehoward@yahoo.com
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Mary
I have been anorexic for almost six years. I still have A LOT of trouble, especially right now--I don't think I'll ever get better. I have been hospitalized seven times in the past year...I hate it..but for some reason I can't get rid of it or want to leave it. I used to be a cutter as well and a drug abuser. I have overcome those obstacles, but this--this is just too hard. I've lost a lot of things due to my ED, but it doesn't even matter to me. I wish I could be just the same as I was six years ago.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/02/03
YOUR AGE: 17 1/2
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: truxuse321@yahoo.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): AIM: signer85
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): New York
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YOUR FIRST NAME: Shana
I have never been called fat in my life. At 18 years old, I was a little taller than 5'4'' and weighed about 145 pounds, which is dead average. For some reason about a year ago I started to see my body as a burden and as something that I needed to improve. I started by making subtle changes--I became a vegetarian and I regularly exercised. At the time I was in a relationship that I did not want to be in and I was months away from leaving for college. I felt out of control. One day I realized that I had made it a whole day without eating anything besides an apple and I felt really good about myself and really in control. I thought I would see how much I could control my eating habits. I began dreading situations where I would be around food, even if it was with friends. I slowly stopped exercising, because I didn't have the energy, and consequently I ate even less. I became vegan, meaning that I cut out all animal products including milk and eggs, as an excuse not to eat in social situations. My parents were the first people to confront me about my change in eating habits. I argued that I was never home and that I ate when I was at work and with my boyfriend. Sometimes I would eat large amounts of food. I wouldn't have meals--I would just go from one cracker to another, and eventually I would have eaten the whole box. I got to the point where I felt guilty for eating two apples in a row. I would stand in front of the mirror and stare at my stomach and think about how fat I was. I didn't know that I had dropped down to 125 pounds until I went to a doctor's appointment. This should have left me satisfied with my weight, but I was not satisfied yet.
I finally broke off my relationship with my boyfriend, which gave me a greater sense of power and really did make me feel better about myself. However, I applied that power to the wrong place. I felt like if I wanted to find another man to love me, I would have to look perfect.
I started spending all of my money on beauty products and trips to the tanning booth. I became obsessed with looking perfect. People who had not seen me in a few months would compliment me on my new appearance, which only fueled my hunger for starvation. I began to avoid my hunger by smoking a lot of pot with a guy from work who was five years older than me. Needless to say, I slept with him to forget about the pain in my stomach. I did not care about him, he didn't care about me, and I didn't care about that.
All of a sudden my parents began confronting me daily about my gaunt figure. My mom admitted to me that she was hospitalized for anorexia at my age and she knew that I was genetically predisposed to suffer the same consequences. I decided to indulge them and I went to see a psychiatrist. When I stepped on the scale, I was at 117 pounds. But I would not admit that I was anorexic. Since I was still over 85% of my target weight, I was not classified as being clinically anorexic. This almost came as a disappointment to me, and through the next few visits my weight dropped even more. I found myself layering on clothes so that the scale would read higher and I would not be harassed.
During the days I felt like a zombie. I had trouble staying awake while I was driving, and everyone kept on telling me that I needed to sleep. The problem was that I was also having trouble sleeping. I would wake up at six o'clock in the morning and be unable to go back to sleep. I felt stuck in a vicious cycle. But it was worth it when I went shopping for clothes and I fit into a size 1.
Four days before I was supposed to leave for school, I went to see my friend's band play a show at a club. I happened to run into Jameson, a guy that I had dated a year ago. I had really liked him at the time, but my parents would not let me be with him at the time for their own reasons. I still had an enormous crush on him. Well, we started talking that night, and I told him everything that I was not able to tell anybody else. I knew that he had liked me before I lost weight, and he let me know that he liked me better with boobs and a butt, but he would take me any way he could get me. With Jameson's help, I have overcome most of my anorexic symptoms. I have gained back most of my weight. However, I still feel guilty every time I eat full meals or stuff myself. I see skinny girls eating the same things I do and feel intense anger towards them. Why do they get to be thin? I know that I will feel like this for a long time. I just want everyone to know that being skinny is not all it's cracked up to be. Eating is part of who we are, and we should enjoy every minute of it. I've taken up a love for cooking, and though I'm still a vegetarian, I do enjoy cheese, scrambled eggs and ice cream. I've become more comfortable with my curves, which make me more of a woman than any coat hanger model out there!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/31/03
YOUR AGE: 18
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: shizana77@hotmail.com
INSTANT MESSENGER (IM) SCREEN NAME (optional): AOL: shizana77
YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Ohio
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YOUR FIRST NAME: ~S~
I have had anorexia and bulimia since I was 10. My twin sister has it, my little sister almost died from bulimia this past summer, and now I am pregnant and it has showed it's ugly head through my mom again. I am pretty good at hiding it, just thin enough to be considered to have a great thin body (I'm 5'11" and 134 pounds), but not too thin because I hate to hear everyone nag me about how skinny I am. I hate being really thin, my clothes don't fit right and I feel ugly. I would love to have a curvy body and look good in jeans, but I have panic attacks and become severely depressed whenever I notice that I have gained some weight. I have never gotten help for this, because I am trying to do it by myself, but I am worried that I am going to harm my unborn child because I can't seem to shake the demon this time. I love my little sleeping angel inside me and I want to cry when I think of what I am doing to it. I hope that it understands that some things are just too strong for humans to conquer completely, and
YOUR AGE: 22
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS: kcsxscape@hotmail.com
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YOUR CITY/STATE/COUNTRY (optional): Florida
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