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(Continued) (Referenced Recently in Time Magazine)
Established September 2000
In February 2000, it all started. My mom was picking my friend up to go take us to a cafe. My friend walked out of her house wearing a short little skirt, and I immediately said to my mom, ?I want that body.? Suddenly it just clicked in my head that I needed to lose weight. I was 5'8? and 166 pounds. Instantly the next day I started a diet which was very healthy. I went on Weight Watchers and counted my points daily--eating about 2000 calories a day from the various food groups. I lost about 11 pounds in a month and a half, but I wasn't happy. I wanted to lose weight even quicker. So, I then started eating an apple for breakfast, an apple and a cucumber for lunch, and then I would eat a whole chicken for dinner with fried cauliflower a whole brocolli and more vegetables! I lost about another 10 pounds in a month. It still wasn't enough. Over the course of time since February 2000 I have lost 41 pounds. I now weigh 125 and am still not happy. Everyone tells me I don't look good any more, but I just don't believe them. My social life has changed because I am always so weak and too lazy to go out. All my friends always go out to cafes, and it?s boring just sitting there when everyone else is eating. I am always sleeping, and life just sucks! One of my main concerns is that I am going away to college the end of August. I feel that when I go away, I will instantly get better and start eating again. I feel that the reason I have this obsession with weight is because I need to impress people when I go to school, and thin people are always the well-liked ones. Once people see me for the first time, I can gradually start eating again. I get very depressed. My skin has a yellowish tone to it, and my teeth are beginning to look yellow--it bothers me, but not enough because I am still dieting. I need people who are in my situation to talk to because no one truly understands. I don't even talk to my parents about it. My mom is never home during the day, so she doesn't know that I don't eat, and I throw out my dinner when she isn't looking. She thinks I eat all this food during the day because everything she buys I just throw out in the trash can at the corner of my block.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/11/01
I have had anorexia and bulimia for five years now. I have tried to recover three times now, but to no avail. I have really tried..... My parents and my so-called friends have all but given up on me. I would rather have and keep my disorders than care about them. At least then I would have something that stuck by me and never tried to hurt me, literally.....
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/10/01
I am 5'5'' and 125 pounds. People think that is the perfect weight for my height. But I think not. Whenever I look into the mirror, I see fat as if someone put a shield over my beauty. I only eat fat-free food and salad. If I eat something with fat inside it, it would be very minimum. Then, I would throw it up.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/02/01
I am 5'5? and 90 pounds. My goal is 80 pounds or lower. I have a friend who is anorexic, and I would love to be in her position because I think that she weighs less than me or the same, but she can control what she eats. I want her to get better and me to get worse. I hate the way I look. Everyone tells me I'm skinny, but there is no way I can be at 90 pounds. I want to be a professional dancer, but I am too fat. I sleep all the time and I get sooo tired after dance that I could faint.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/31/01
Well, after reading all of those stories, I know I don't fit in really. But here's what I have to say. I'm 5'6", 122 lbs. And I really can't stand myself. I haven't for about two years now. There are times when I will not eat for long periods of time and I am MUCH, MUCH happier. But then I will eat and gain it all back. I don't look for compliments or anything. Everyone says I am a twig, but I don't see why they won't just tell me the truth. I need to know how to lose weight. I really want to stop eating. It would be sosososo much easier that way. It's just gross how I can grab the fat on my stomach. I hate it sooo much.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/30/01
I am a recovering anorexic. I had anorexia for seven years. I have been hospitalized quite a few times. I hurt my bones all the time, so I have chronic pain. I have beginning stages of osteopenia in my back and osteoporosis in my hip. I have problems with menstruation and cannot have children, though the doctors are unclear if this is related to my eating disorder or to my cyst in my brain when I was a baby. I am doing a lot better in terms of recovery, but still have hard times. I hope to get support from the group.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/28/01
I've never felt pretty. I'll be honest. I spend at least an hour in front of the mirror every morning. If you ask me what could've started my anorexia, I could give you a thousand answers. Maybe it was the fact that my best friend, Ashley, would come to school every morning looking like she just jumped out of the pages of Teen magazine. Actually I wasn't surprised when she brought in a magazine and did. Or maybe it was the two hours I spent in ballet and jazz every Wednesday surrounded by beautiful, thin girls and mirrors there just to tell me that I wasn't them. Or maybe it was my constant depression since last year. I'm 5'10" and I weigh 110 pounds. I've had problems with depression, suicide, and now anorexia for the past year. I'm often cold, dizzy, depressed, and recently I've had cramps and throat aches. The throat aches come from throwing up dinner every night because I'm too good of a daughter to turn down my mother's meatloaf. I've had some bulimic episodes also, but only two. My life conforms around what everybody else wants. I've recently been forced out of my room because my grandparents have decided to move to Florida. They had to take my room. Now I have to share a room with my brother who doesn't get that when I go to bed, I HAVE to weigh myself. I need to know how much I weigh so that I can determine how many crunches I have to do in the morning. AND my brother's a complete slob, so now I'm his personal maid. If these are the best years of my life, I'd better get struck by lightning some time soon.
So, please ANYBODY write to me. If I don't talk to someone who understands soon, I will crack even further than before.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/19/01
My story is simple. For the past 5-6 years I personally label myself fat. I am 5 feet tall and weigh about 105 lbs..... still too heavy..... I wear a size 0, but I just cannot seem to please myself. I am married, and my husband of course thinks I am perfect, but inside I hurt. I cry once a day.....usually when I look in the mirror. I believe that my problem is very much mental. I take diet pills at least four times a day so that I wont eat. I work out continuously--running, lifting weights .....I make myself throw up whenever no one is around. I just hate the way I look. When I eat, I feel so badly inside--like I have screwed myself for the day. Society throws all these models and singers and actresses around in our faces. I hate T.V., I hate magazines, I hate walking around in the mall. I even have come to hate going out with my friends now, because of all these "perfect" people. I usually keep my problem to myself. I do not look for sympathy from anyone, I don't look for people to tell me I am beautiful. I have to feel it inside before I can believe them. And I don't want help. I just want to be thin.....
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/18/01
I have been anorexic for about six years now. I am 5?11? and 115 lbs. I have been hospitalized once before when I was at 105 lbs. and wearing a size 0. I have four children ages 4, 6, 2 and 10 months and am married. I am now again in therapy and will be leaving soon to a treatment facility. I would really like to visit with someone or a group of people who have been or are in the same situation as I am. I am scared and afraid I will die soon. Several things are happening to me--I am forgetting things, I get very dizzy, I am freezing all the time, I am tired all the time, I basically run on adrenaline 24 hours a day, I can't take a bath because it hurts to sit in the tub, I have to have padded chairs, I could go on and on. I need to hear from others that have made it and get some encouragement from those who have been in my shoes. I also would like to talk with those who are going through it now to know that I am not the only one with the feelings I have.
Thank you so much for this service.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/15/01
Wow, I'm nervous just to begin writing this. My story is not half as bad as half of you people, but well, I'm struggling. It all began last year, actually exactly one year ago. I've always been under the impression that my mom favored my younger brother because he is so handsome. I was 5? 3? and 113 pounds at this time last year, and to me that is a horrifying weight. My doctor warned me of gaining another 7 lbs., and I began to notice how fat I was, and how chubby I looked in pictures, and began to think that maybe I would be my mom's favorite if I was thin. My mom has been suffering from anorexia, bulimia, and exercise bulimia for the past 30 years as well as bipolar disorder. She was very sick for a long time, and took a lot of her pain and anger out on me. I've always been very motivated and driven, as well as a perfectionist, and once I got the notion in my head to lose weight.....nothing was going to stand in my way. I began to diet, cut back a little, but I had a sweet tooth and enjoyed eating candy, voila THROWING UP! See, for me though, I don't see that as an answer to my prayers. I eat when I am happy and feeling light hearted, but as quick as a flash my mood changes and I feel guilty and I get nervous that I?m gonna gain weight and I purge. Then, last summer I went to a summer pre-college program for six weeks and I starved myself for the entire summer. At first I didn't realize what I was doing.....exactly.....I would go to my classes from 8-11:30 a.m., then sleep till driver?s ed. at 2, then come back and sleep till 7 when I'd get ready to go out, then I'd hang out till 2 a.m., then go to sleep again. So, basically the only thing with fat in it that I ate all summer was the food that I stuffed in my face when my parents came to visit, which of course came right back up later. I weighed about 94 lbs. then, about 4 lbs. of it water weight from the immense amounts of diet coke I drank. That summer was hell, I had no friends because I slept all the time, and I was dealing with the emotional aspects of anorexia. Then I got home and I noticed that a couple of other girls in my grade seemed to have found the same "solution" as me. My competitive spirit was on fire, and there was.....IS.....no way that they will beat me. One girl will though, and is, but she is eating again and not gaining weight.....I HAVE to figure out what she is doing. So, I started the school year and I was intensely busy, cheerleading every day after school, working, volunteering, Saturdays full of cheerleading, my new much cooler group of friends.....and hiding not eating from my family. I ditched my old best friend who was beginning to question my drastic weight loss. I would starve myself till 6 at night, when I'd eat a very low calorie dinner and then eat some rice cakes and go to bed. Then, on the weekends I'd splurge and allow myself 10 mini pretzels totaling 100 calories and a small yogurt with 35 calories. None of this had any fat, of course. I was up to 101 lbs. because of the little bit I had to eat in front of my parents. Every day is a challenge--trying to beat my "success" or "failure" from the day before. Then, one of my family friends told my dad.....she found out about how I stole a laxative from another friend and she just knew.....and that was it.....I was under 24-hour surveillance and forced to eat. 107 lbs.....I deserve to die.....I am too fat, I'm ugly, I don't fit into the clothing I bought at the beginning of the year. Now I am back on a looser reign, since I proved that I could (in my father's words) "bring myself out of it." He is a great great great dad and now that my mom is better, she is absolutely wonderful.....so I feel bad for all the lying I'm beginning to do again. I am caught back in the whirlwind, I don't think I was actually ever out of it, just pretending to be. I am back to starving all day.....and eating only non-fat foods when I get home.....but I am stuck at 107 lbs!!!!! I need to get this out of me.....I throw up all the time now, and I am very miserable. I am going away in 30 days for a volunteer mission in the British Virgin Islands and I can?t wait to not eat again......anorexic? yes.....fully, and I know this, but it?s too late.....I'm caught in the disease and I like it, I like the control, I like the power, I like the secrets, its all mine......
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/14/01
One of my friends has anorexia. She is one of the greatest people I know. I need to know what I can do for her because if she dies, I might not be able to pull out of the deep depression I would be in.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/12/01
I went to a state hospital for self injury and up until then I was only starting. Then I saw a lot of people that were actually ?normal? were there for an ED, so I already have the basis for an eating disorder--I just needed a boost. Then, after awhile I gained all the weight back and now I?m more weightier than I ever was, though I am growing (it just fell on the wrong time to happen). I am 119 pounds, which is normal weight range for me, but I have a double chin and tons of fat I can grab (sorry for the details). I feel like I am binging and I have told myself over and over that I would not throw up under any circumstances. It seems like an endless cycle. I know I am the right weight, but I want to be thinner.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/11/01
Well, after reading a few of the stories from the site, I wasn't sure if this was where I belonged. I just became anorexic. I have wanted to for so long, and all the sudden I started eating less and less until where I am at now. For the past week and a half I have not eaten anything. The thing is I know it isn't the best way to go about things in my life, but I don't want to stop. I don't want help. But I am at the same time concerned. I just want to get to my goal and stop. But I am really worried I wont be able to. I just don't know what to do.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/09/01
Hello, everyone. I posted a while back, but in case you didn't read it: I started out on my long and difficult journey to recovery back in the summer of 1993. Since then I've been in many hospitals and seen countless therapists. My last hospital stay was in 1995, and I would say that by the end of that year is when I really started to pull things together.
I am being completely honest with myself and all of you reading this when I say that I have been at the best emotional state I have ever been in my life. Yes, there are still conflicts and obstacles that upset me, and there are times when I still have "anorexic thoughts." But it's nowhere near what it used to be.
Last fall, after I lost quite a bit of weight from getting my tonsils out (at 23 years old - NOT fun!), I was inspired to surpass my apprehensions and decided to see a nutritionist and put some more weight on and get healthy. I did and I really feel good about myself. For the first time I look at other females and think to myself "I wish I had more curves and looked more like a woman than a little boy" instead of "I wish I were thinner than she is."
Please - I don't want to seem like I'm some perfect example of a "cured anorexic," up on my soap box preaching to everyone on how they should be like me. I just want to let people know that it is possible to get better and be happy again and that it's TOTALLY WORTH IT, but that there are huge consequences that come along with an eating disorder.
Case in point: about a month and a half ago, at 23 years old, I was diagnosed with severe Osteoporosis. I have the spine of a 90-year-old woman. Now that I finally have the energy to do fun activities that I love (like rollerblading), I can't because if I fall, I could shatter my back. I now have to take medication "indefinitely" for it and only hope for what the future brings. From this point I can only move forward and stay positive. I know there are a lot of people who are much worse off than I am; I am lucky to be alive.
Believe me - when I was in my eating disorder, I just wanted to die. I pushed away all of the many people who tried to help me. But my audience is a little different right now. Those of you who are reading this are most likely doing so because you want help. If writing this email helped even one person, it was worth it. Please don't let an eating disorder get the best of you.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/09/01 (updated from 02/18/01)
Ok, here I go. I 've never openly admitted what has plagued me since I was 11. I was never popular, but the friends I had were and they were all sticks. I figured, "Hey, why not try to look like her?" I wasn't fat, but I didn't realize that this would be anorexia. I never heard the word--I was only 11. So I stuck to a diet--one piece of toast in the morning, one for lunch, with no butter of course!!! And then I'd just have itty bitty portions at dinner, but only if it was fat free. Soon my mother realized the situation, and only after verbal threats of locking me away, did I find a therapy in myself to stop. I eventually went into riding around 13, and as long as I had my horse, that was okay. I ate normal meals, whatever I considered at the time a normal kid would eat. That's the only way I kept myself sane--just ate what normal people ate. But this past year a good friend of mine, who I always competed against at horse shows, lost a ton of weight. Now she always used to beat me, but she was a little heavy. So I kept telling myself that I can lose weight at anytime, what can she do? So she did lose weight--I mean, tons, like we all think she's anorexic, too. I lost it. This was the one thing inside of me that made me special--that I could pull it out of the closet at any time, because it was my talent. I was never the best or gifted at anything, so that's what I thought--it was my talent. But getting back into it was hard. My diet has consisted of only fat-free foods since like February. If someone tries to make me eat anything with fat in it, I want to cry. And now I'm miserable because I'm 5'5'' and weigh 110--that's too much. I feel as though I can't even be a good anorexic. I don't want to completely starve myself, because I don't want to slow my metabolism. So when I do eat, it gets used up faster. But every time I put food in my mouth it's a struggle. I'll go through days and only eat strawberries and drink water, but the next I may binge on fat-free ice cream, pretzels, fig newtons, and salads. I can't control any eating pattern, and it's becoming an obsession. I just need someone to talk to, someone who understands, because I know that if I outreached to my family, they would say I was full of sh*t and force feed me. I would sooner die. Please, if any of you deal with these types of symptoms, e-mail me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/03/01
Looking back at my life, my problems started at around 14. I was never really overweight, but I felt competitive with my weight. I remember the first time I started starving myself--I did it on purpose to drop a few pounds. I was laying on the bed one day feeling how my stomach was starting to sink in, and my sister walked in and threatened to tell my parents. That scared me. I was always taught to do as my parents told me to do, and with my dad being a truck driver, leaving my Mom home with nine kids.....well, she had enough to worry about. I was the middle child. I remember my brothers and sisters always calling me names....fatty, ham, chubs.....but, the funny part
is...when I look back now at my childhood pictures...I was normal size, they were the heavy ones. Every time I would get their hand-me-downs, I couldn't wear them because they were too big for me. HA! Who was laughing then? When I was 14, I was gang-raped. I think my Mom was embarrassed about it, because she took me to one class of group counseling, and then it was never spoken of again. It seemed to upset her to talk about it. After that, I guess you could say, I became a "hellion" (very out of control). Inside I was hurting, and even though I acted like I didn't care about anything....the truth is I did. I felt very alone in everything I did (even though I had friends around). At this time during my life I would go on sprees where I wouldn't eat anything for long periods of time. But I guess it wasn't to serious...because nobody noticed. By the time I was 16 I was pregnant and married at the age of 17. I had a lot of serious growing up to do. I stayed in school to get my diploma, but by the time I graduated, I had another baby on the way (Yes, I still graduated). Aside from school I had a daughter, I worked full time, and had another baby on the way.....my husband at this time was drinking more and becoming very abusive. He started calling me names, and whenever his friends were around, he made fun of my weight (I gained a lot during my pregnancies). He would drink his pay checks away (when he actually had a job), he would pull the wires on the car so that I couldn't go anywhere, he smoked a lot of pot (get the picture). After I graduated, I was holding down three different jobs, and he was refusing to work. In between jobs I was taking care of my babies, and when I would leave for work again, I prayed that they were being taken care of by him. I lost all my friends because he would call me names in front of them--they couldn't stand him--and pretty soon nobody came around anymore. I started starving myself at that point. My self-esteem was so low, and I hated myself. By the time I got fed up with it all and moved out, I was a size 6 when I met him in divorce court (I was a size 18...after the babies). I was only 20 years old...and felt 40. I moved back to my old hometown and met a guy. We fell very hard and very fast for each other. He totally swept me off my feet. He vowed to never hurt me like I was before. He loved my daughters and even adopted them after we were married a year and a half later (their biological father?s rights were taken away from him). We both worked, and in the meantime he was starting up a DJ business with his best friend. Two month after our wedding I became pregnant with my third child (we were thrilled), although I did not know I was carrying twins and lost one of them due to a car accident. Other than that tragic loss, I thought my life was wonderful. I never dwelled on my husband never being home (due to his D.J.'ing on the weekends). I guess when he started to not come home after playing.....it began to bother me. He was always being invited to pool parties and after bar parties, and other excuses were that he went out for breakfast with his partner. I had my daughter on December 13th. And I remember going to the store to find something to wear for New Year's Eve. I had gained a lot of weight again during my pregnancy....and ended up sitting in the dressing room and crying because nothing fit me (the largest I tried was a 22). I ended up walking out and wearing my maternity clothes for New Year?s.....I went to the bar where my husband was playing and felt totally disgusted with myself....he was out there having a good ole time, dancing with everybody (females), and I sat there by myself. ....not even wanting to get up because of how big I looked....It was a small town, and everybody knew that I just had a baby, but to me it didn't matter. The very next day I went on a diet and worked out an hour a day, no matter how much it killed me. I started dropping weight and felt satisfied. The next month I got a new job. I had to dress up for this job, so I went shopping and bought only enough clothes to hold me over for awhile....(because I was losing weight, I knew I would have to buy smaller sizes soon). I'm not sure what made me take those first laxatives, but after I did it...I was hooked. And then came the diuretics, and then instead of dieting....I just quit eating.....my workouts went up to about two hours a day. And the compliments that I was receiving made me feel on top of the world. They made me want to lose more weight. I remember wearing a size 14, and then I bought a size 12, and from there it went down to a size 7.....I started to experience the first signs of my body starting to break down. I collapsed in the hallway one night from severe pain in my stomach and back. It hurt so badly I couldn't get up, and I started to hyperventilate. My husband was home that night and called an ambulance...after several tests were taken, it was confirmed that my liver had quit working. The doctors asked me about dieting....which made my husband suspicious, and he and my Mom rummaged through my purse and found all the pills. I promised I wouldn't do it any more (yeah, right!!). In the meantime we had a house fire and lost everything and went to stay with my parents until we found another place to live. I continued to starve myself and exercise continuously. At this time I was 24 years old and bought my first bikini. I have never worn one before in my life, and it felt good, but I knew I could do better. I stayed away from pills while we lived at my parents....but three months later we found a house, bought it, and moved it. I was so happy.....I had nobody to watch over me again. I started taking laxatives and diuretics again. I loved to cook. I cooked everything from gourmet to Italian, etc. I would cook so much sometimes, that I would end up giving over half of it away to friends, but I never ate any of it myself. I loved to watch people eat what I had cooked and felt great pride that I had the self control not to eat any of it. I would still get the pains from the pills that I was taking....but I bit my tongue until they went away. By now my mind process was not very good (my counselor told me it was due to lack of food). I was messing up at work pretty badly because it was hard for me to think (all I thought about was losing more weight). The boss took me aside and told me she knew I had a problem and would do whatever it took to help me get better, but my coworkers (some of them ) weren't so nice. When I would sit by my desk, they would throw M&M's at me and told me to eat something, but they did it in a cruel way, and would laugh about it. That made me more determined to lose more weight. My dizzy spells were becoming very frequent, and I was so tired, but yet I couldn't sleep. I would lay in bed at night and think about how many pounds I would lose that week. I was up to about 12 laxatives a day and about 6 diuretics a day, and the only thing I was consuming was a lot of water and once in awhile I would eat soda crackers and pickles (pickles have no calories). I was so weak that I was sitting on a chair just to cook (but I still kept cooking). I remember my sister walked in one day and looked at me and said, "what the hell are you doing to yourself, you have a good life now, can't you handle it??. I didn't know why I was doing this to myself. I actually wanted to stop, but for some reason I couldn't stop. I was beginning to feel like I was in a hellish nightmare. I cried all the time. My husband at the time was also letting all the attention that he got from women while he DJ'd go to his head, and it hurt me deeply...he would ignore me when we would go out and dance with other females. In fact, I caught him doing a little bit more than dancing. I tried to make him understand what was going on with me, but he refused to get information on the subject of eating disorders and told me to start eating or he would divorce me...At this time I was down to about a size 2 and still dropping. I started having a big fear that if I fell asleep, I might not ever wake up....My kids started to get upset about my never eating with the family and would question me about it. I would lie and tell them I ate earlier and was still feeling full. At night my legs would hurt so badly I would have to put them up on a chair to get the circulation going through them, my toes were constantly blue (a sign of the body shutting down), my ribs were so noticeable, and it hurt to lay down because I had no fat. It was all bones. I had to sleep sitting up most of the time because it was more comfortable. I could fit my index finger and my thumb around my upper arms. But I was still determined to lose more weight. I would get scared and nervous if I noticed that I was running low on laxatives....I started taking speed just to physically keep going. If I was ever forced to eat, for appearance I would instantly run to the bathroom and throw it up. I didn't even hide it anymore....I didn't care who was around, just as long as I got rid of the food ( I have had major work done to my teeth already, and was told by my dentist that I may find more problems in the future....he could tell I was also bulimic just by looking at my teeth). I went to the best clinic in this area, and made no progress. I was sent to two other counselors and turned away because they couldn't help me. I will never forget my last counselor--he told me, "You are a full-blown bulimic anorexic, and you will not get better because something inside of you does not want to get better." All the way home I cried and thought, "How dare he say such a thing--if I didn't want to get better, than why did I check myself in that last time." And then it dawned on me--that these counselors were not going to make me better because I craved the attention that I got from them. The more they pushed me to get better, the more rebellious I became with eating. It felt so good to control it all. By now I was wearing a size 12 in a kids and I was 27 years old. I still wanted to lose more weight. But I was so scared and I felt so alone. I made my family feel guilty about teasing me when I was a kid. I knew it hurt them, but I didn't care....I spent too much of my life putting everybody else first and if I wanted to get better, I had to stop all of this pain inside of me.....(Did I mention I was raped at the age of 25 and got pregnant...and had an abortion?). Also at the age of 26 I was attacked in a parking lot by somebody (this guy was caught). He tried slicing my throat and bashing my head in (he's doing nine years for attempted homicide). I started looking back on the journals that I have kept over the years and wondered where all this pain had come from. I had a very painful childhood and two painful marriages. I had to figure myself out, because the hospitals and three years of counseling were not doing it for me. I guess I slowly started eating again on my own. I remember one day an old acquaintance of mine (from when I was a skeleton) told me I looked like I was gaining weight. I was back up to a size six, and he had the balls to tell me I was getting fat. I spun around and looked at him and said, "You know, I have experienced a great deal in my life already, and it's men like you that have no clue about the inner beauty of a person. I have been kicked around and taken for granted to the point of putting myself through a slow suicide of starvation, and I found out that there is nobody in this world that is worth more to me than staying alive. So go _ _ _ _ yourself." And I felt good, really good to be able to say that. I can't say all is perfect in my life right now. I still struggle with wanting to starve myself. Sometimes the stress in my life can trigger it off. But I have my three beautiful daughters now to look after, and they almost lost their mother once, and it scared them as badly as it scared me. And I pray that someday this will all be put to rest, but I know that's not possible--I know I will struggle with it, probably for the rest of my life. But I do pray as before that anorexia/bulimia will not be the death of me. As for my husband...well I left him over a year ago....and it felt really good, but issues with him are still pending.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 05/01/01
I was first diagnosed with anorexia when I was 14 and have been battling with it every since. I've had good spells and bad spells. My lowest point was being admitted to the EDU of St. Andrews Hospital, which is a 3 hour drive from my home. It was touch and go for awhile, and I nearly didn't make it. I was given a tube feed (ugh!) and stayed in the hospital for six months. I put the weight on, but was never happy with myself. I ate my way out of the hospital, as they say. I lost a lot of the weight I regained as soon as I was released, but am now slowly gaining a little with the support of a therapist. I'm at school finishing my A levels and am going to uni next year to do a degree in Psychology(!). It?s still a daily battle, but I've not given up hope. I?d like to interact with fellow recoverers, if anyone's interested. Bye for now!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/28/01
Okay, I'm 15. I've been having problems with anorexia since I was 13 and no one knows about it. It wasn't very bad until September and November of last year (2000), when I "supposedly" hit rock bottom. I mean, I was so pale and tired and sleepy. I mean, those were the things I noticed. I wasn't skinny. I could be, could I? People said I was, but they didn't see what I saw. They didn't see me without clothes on. They didn't know. But I got better, or I thought I did. But I didn't. Anorexics, more than anyone, know that it's more than just starving yourself--It's making "Ana", that little voice, shut up and leave you alone. But, when she shuts up, you feel as if you've lost your only friend in the world. About a year ago there was this song by Silver Chair called "Open Fire," or more commonly "Ana's Song". Was my favorite song. I mean, that song was so right. But anyways, like I was saying, I thought I had gotten better. But now, two weeks after my 15th birthday, I'm sitting here-- with welcomed hunger pain--I want them there, ya know--and I'm sitting here, typing this with my little ligaments in my hands starting to show again and my veins popping out. I was proud of myself until today. Ah yes, today. I ate today, and the guilt is there. I lost 10 pounds this past week, without exercise. This coming week I'll exercise. I ate today, the first bite of food in my mouth since Sunday. I didn't even drink anything with calories. I'm wanting to talk to people so that maybe I'll get better. My good friend, Dustin, who is very concerned with my health, found out I was starving myself again just 30 minutes ago. I want him to see that I'm trying to get better. I just believe that the thing that he, and all the other non-anorexics who've had to deal with people who have ?Ana,? don't realize that it's more of a mental illness than an eating disorder. That's why I want to talk to people like you, who know what I'm talking about and know what's really going on.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/22/01
I'm very unsure of why I'm joining this group and telling my story. For five years I have been fighting with bulimia and anorexia. I was young and still am. I started off in 6th grade wanting to make myself throw everything that I ate away, and eventually make myself vomit and not just hide my food. Of all the times I attempted to make myself vomit, I succeeded only once. I told my sister minutes after I first did, and she slapped me. That was the last time I did it that year.
I moved the following year, and it was hard. I started off binging and gaining weight. I was depressed from moving, and my whole family had decided to start a diet. I agreed and started, as well as joined the track team. I became a great runner, and with running came restrictions. I was under 750 calories a day. To me now it sounds like a large number, even though I was running around 3 miles a day. On their own things eventually calmed down after losing 20 lbs.
One of my sisters, who has always been my best friend (we're only 20 months apart), nearly took her life. She tried to hang herself, and I was the only one there to cut the sheet off around her neck. The memories are with me every day and hurt so much. I'm so thankful she didn't succeed and got out of it with a broken collar bone, and she is completely different from where she was that year. I have another sister who is obese and has health problems due to excess weight. My parents and family?s focus has been on them, and I've been left to the side.
I have never wanted attention. I hate it. For a year now I have wanted to
lose weight. I started off compulsively exercising, which was joined in by
restricting, and purging when I cheated. I am so involved right now with this
problem, and attention is on me. I want it gone and to be left alone. I have
lost two pant sizes and 18 lbs. again. It feels wonderful. Well, a part of me
does. April 2, 2001 is the only date that I know of that I have not purged in
the past four months.
I'm so afraid of this pit that has created, this eating disorder. I'm seeking help, a therapist that knows I'm reluctant to see her, and I get weighed in now every two weeks. This disease is still here, this sickness of wanted to see bones--I dream of bones. I'm terrified of sleep, of what a night will bring me, because all my dreams have to do with bones--my bones. I wonder when and if this will stop. My stomach is grumbling now from misuse of laxatives. I just want to believe I'm trying, and I know I am deep down inside, but not hard enough. I'm on this plateau of having a problem--it doesn't want to get better, it wants to get worse, but there is this wonderful force trying not to let it. My fingernails are blue and I am cold, it's 2 in the morning now and I'm not even in my pajamas. I just want this to stop, and this hurt to go away.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/09/01
Ok- I am in the recovery process for anorexia. I am 14 years old and I became anorexic at 13. I have been battling this for about a year now. I guess I recovered really early.....probably because my parents got me help before the disorder became entrenched. My lowest weight got to a little below 90 pounds, and I'm almost 5'4". My doctor and counselor and parents threatened to put me in the hospital if I lost five more pounds, so I tried eating normally again. I guess time heals, because I gained weight and ate normally, and then everything else seemed to fall into place. When school started in the fall, I gained many, many friends back that I had lost. I started to have fun again and to actually live and not think about food nearly as much. I am having fun with my friends now.....I'm popular and pretty and smart and I play volleyball. I'm living again and I now weigh probably around 120 pounds. I don't know exactly, because I'm not allowed to see my actual weight. I feel huge at times, and it sucks. But, all of my guy friends think I look great, so I guess I can?t be that big. I get so depressed though sometimes.....I feel like I have failed...like I'm nobody...like I'm not important...like I'm a hollow person with no identity....I feel fat and ugly...and like I'm not special at all. It gets really bad sometimes....like where I want to die. I don't have any clue what is missing in my life though. I have a nice, new house, two great parents and a little brother, A LOT of friends, good grades. I guess I'm pretty, according to a lot of people. I guess I have a nice personality, because I have a ton of friends. But I feel so depressed sometimes. I don't know what to do. I don't know what is missing. I know that along with anorexia there are a lot of underlying issues, emotional issues, that have to be worked out. But I am having so much trouble figuring out what those issues are. Maybe that is why I am so depressed...because I haven't solved or dealt with my emotions. I know I'm not recovered because, for whatever reason, I'm not happy. Please help me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/08/01
I suppose I am what you would call a "recovered" anorexic. I have been discharged from my eating disorder clinic and am at a healthy weight. My parents and therapists are so impressed by my "recovery" and we have long talks about how much progress I have made, how I've really turned my life around and how food is no longer an issue. The truth is, I don't feel recovered at all. Food is my life. It is my heart, my soul and my obsession--it defines me. No matter what is going on in my life, it seems to parallel to food. For every emotion there is some sort of food that eating or not eating will magically cure. The only reason I don't consider myself to be anorexic any more is that I don't feel I deserve the title. Sick as it may seem, anorexia has always been a title that I have secretly cherished and now I feel I have lost it. Even though I may still think like an anorexic, I have lost all the power, all the control, and I miss it so much! I am 5'9'' and I weigh 130 lbs. I know what you?re thinking--what a fat pig, how does she even have the nerve to go to an anorexic support group, somebody send her to the compulsive overeaters room--right? See, that's the worst part--I still have all the issues, but I don't get any of the rewards. I don't look skinny, I am no longer sick. I go through phases--I starve for a few days, eat "normally" (1000 calories/ day) for a few days, and then sometimes I feel like some overpowering force is driving me to eat unspeakable quantities of food and then barf my guts out. I am so depressed and I hate myself so much. I don't know what to do. I know this sounds crazy, but I guess what I really want is to be anorexic again. Right now I'm a lot closer to being bulimic, and that scares the hell out of me. People say that eating disorders are so terrible and bring so much pain, but for me life without anorexia seems more terrible, and my eating disorder was a way out of the pain. I guess I'm just stuck--it?s like I used to be suicidal, but now (although I hate my life) I don't want to die. I know this probably makes absolutely no sense, but I just had to get it out there. Thanks.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/04/01
Let's face it--we all tend to like or sometimes even crave the favorable attention from both males and even females, but when it comes from a female it is usual to feel an extra bonus! This is because most women I know do not offer comments that are designed to build up another female. Perhaps this is due to the shortage of available and financially stable, single males. I love my body's frame and my muscle tone, but when I see movies and sitcoms and have overloaded on "sweets," I then wish that I could make myself "throw up" those stinky calories. I do not know what I'll do if I gained weight, and those flattering comments stopped. One more thing--when I have walked to stay in shape, I would receive comments of "why are you here with us" or "how dare you be here because you do not have a weight issue." I just want to stay THIN!!!
Is anyone else out there who can relate to what I am feeling?
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/03/01
I have been anorexic since I was 15 years old. I don't like food and just ignore it and avoid it. I look in the mirror and see a huge person even at my lowest weight. All through high school people would look at me and say, ?You must be anorexic.? Of course, I would laugh and deny it.
It was a way of life. No one knew. Some suspected, but never said anything. When I got married and we talked of children, I felt it was time to let go of the past and start eating again. I had everything anyone could want--a great husband and now talking of starting a family. I became pregnant and did the responsible thing and ate well. I lost the baby. I blamed it on the fact that I was so thin when I became pregnant. I stopped eating again. A couple years later I felt strong enough to try again. This time I went to term. The only problem was that after years of starvation, my body held on to every morsel of food that I ate to support my baby. For the first time in my life I was as big as I had always imagined. So I stopped eating again after the baby was born. It worked, of course, but my relationships suffered.
Once again I became pregnant and the same thing happened. I felt like I was being punished for eating to support my baby. I have stopped eating again, but the weight is not coming off like it used to. I am fighting to stay out of the "bad" aisle at the grocery store.
I am seeing a therapist for depression and have been placed on anti-depressants. I have not been able to admit to her that I have an eating problem, although I know the health risks of taking the anti-depressant when you are not eating. Maybe I am hoping that the worst will happen? I do not know, but I know I need to find something to help me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 04/02/01
I sit here searching for something to make me feel better, but deep down I know as I read all about the other anorexics, that I am not even nor have I ever been a successful anorexic. I have battled this for 16 years, now almost married 10 years with two children I adore, and I still feel inadequate. I want to say that I still struggle trying to eat or that I don't have the energy I used to, but I cannot. I have failed at being a "good" anorexic.
Ok, now I know competition is fierce and some would be appalled to hear a person say such things, so I won't say anymore. I try to cling to the positive and some days succeed, but then I catch a glance in the mirror (not really looking, of course, because reality is too harsh...) and I am deflated. Clothes in my closet (unhealthy sizes for someone 5'5") gawk at me and taunt me each day.
I do not trust anyone that tells me I am "skinny" now, for it is only the people closest to me that say so and they know how I LOVE that word. Strangers at the mall would even make comments to me before...before kids, before my latest therapy sessions, before when I could look at myself and feel good I could wear a size 3, 2 or even size 1 ( a pair of red jeans that still hang in my closet as well).
Now I am currently looking for a new therapist who works with a "team" of nutritionists and PhD's. I am scared, but my marriage is suffering again and my little girl, now almost five, is not getting a positive role model--perhaps THAT is what upsets me the most. I never restrict what my children eat, and I stress veggies about the same as any caring mommy. I try so hard to be everything, working full time, keeping my work colleagues out of anything anorexic (no one knows because I don't look the part any more).
Some days are better, but today is not one of the better days. Amazing how no matter how many times I hear someone's story, they always seem to have succeeded better in their ED's. Sad, isn't it?
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/31/01
About a year ago in May I went on holiday with my family. I had a great time and felt happy. When we got home, we went and got the pictures developed. I opened the envelope and there I saw a fat girl. I weighed 8 stones10 pounds, and for someone of my age that was normal. But I saw me as fat. I looked in the mirror and I saw a fat girl. Unlike that morning it was like I had all of a sudden gained weight over night, but really I just hadn't seen it coming. I began to diet, determined to be thin. I began and in the first week I lost 6 pounds just from not eating in-between meals, but it wasn't good enough. I began to want things to happen quicker. At first I skipped dinner and I began going to the gym. I then started to skip breakfast and still go to the gym. I would skip tea when I could, after giving excuses like I wasn't hungry, but really I was. I began to fear my family would suspect. I began putting unused breakfast dishes in the sink. It looked like I had ate. And I began to eat my tea and then go out and throw up in the bushes. When my friends returned from their holidays, they realized how much weight I had lost. In about a month I lost more than a stone. Today I continue to diet, but after talking to people, I no longer starve or throw up. I had a year of that and I hate myself for it. I do still diet and I am a gym freak. Sometimes I look and think I'm fat again and I won't eat dinner. That's what scares me. I don't want to die and I don't want to live like I did, but I know that it will always be there. I hate the fact that I'm 16 and can't bring myself to eat chocolate. I now weigh 7 stones. My lowest was 6 stones 5 pounds. I've pulled myself up with the help of my friends and family, but it was hard and it still is. I live in fear that one day I won't want to eat, and that maybe this time I'll take it too far. Good luck to everyone. Help comes in the shape of the people you love. God bless.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/30/01
Well, I have been battling anorexia since I was 14 years old. I have had some very healthy years. I have two children. I am now a single mom (due to divorce). I have been in-patient two times in the past year and a half and
have been in an out-patient hospital program off and on.
I reached my goal weight, but recently in the past four weeks have lost 15 lbs. I once again feel out of control with this disorder and wish it would just all end. I am trying every day to make myself eat, but it has not been easy. I live with someone, and he is very supportive. But this disease is starting to take a toll on our relationship. I guess it is not easy to see someone slowly kill themselves and not be frustrated.
Most of the time I feel like a freak. So alone. I need to decide whether I will give up this disorder or continue to do this to myself. I am sick of throwing away my dinner and of lying about actually eating or purging when I do eat.
My Mom said the other day she can not imagine how lonely this disease can be. She has no idea.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/28/01
Hi my name is Michelle and I have been fighting anorexia and bulimia for at least four years now and I am getting ready to give up!
At the age of 14 I was being abused by my father, and I was having a difficult time with friends in high school. Then one day my twin sister punched me and told me I was fat. From that day forward I didn't eat anything for two whole years. I met this amazing person who started me on my way to recovery. When I started gaining weight, I had started throwing up everything I ate in order to keep my 5' body under 65 pounds.
My friends hated me even more now, and my parents made me quit gymnastics. This made me mad at the whole world, so I attempted suicide. I had almost bled to death from the wrists when my dad made a surprise visit home at lunchtime ?cause my mom had told him I stayed home from school! To this day I have no idea whether he was coming home to take advantage of me like usual or not, but he saved my life!
I met an amazing boy when I was 17, and things are really good with him. With his help and the help of my therapist, I was eating once a day! I had stopped vomiting! Things with my father persisted, although I stayed at my boyfriend?s a lot, so I get hit a lot less now!
Recently my parents have decided to get a divorce and they each picked one
of us three girls, but since there is only two of them and three of us, there
was one left over! Neither one of them want me to live with them! On top of
that I am starting college in September and I am so afraid of my appearance!
So far I still eat a meal a day, but I find myself slipping or falling back to the place of mind I used to be in! I talk to very few people about my "problems," but I have realized that I don't want to go back to the way I was. And maybe by talking to others about themselves or about myself, things might work out!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/20/01
I suffer from bulimia, depression, and self-mutilating behavior. This is a recurring problem for me. I almost took my life from this last time in which I am still in. I abuse diet pills, water pills, laxatives, and I also over exercise. I self inflict vomiting when I do eat. My meals are slim, and I try to only eat one meal a day.
I would like to join and get help for myself and to also talk with others who suffer as I do, or who are curious about my disease.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/17/01
I have been struggling with both anorexia and bulimia on and off since the age of sixteen. Currently I have been actively anorexic for two years now. As of late I have had a really difficult time coping with the physical and emotional consequences associated with having an eating disorder. I feel desperate and incredibly lonely. My depression is terrible. I feel as though I?m on the verge of a mental break down. I am currently seeing a therapist whom I have tremendous respect for. She feels I need inpatient care due to my continual weight loss and lack of progress in therapy. I truly do have a tremendous desire to recover from this INSIDIOUS DISEASE, although I am not quite ready emotionally to commit to such intensive treatment. I am trying to utilize my resources as of now and am quite interested in becoming an active participant in the on-line support group. I need all the help I can get!! Thanks so much.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/16/01
Ok, I was adopted at kinda a young age. I see myself sometimes as worthless, not useful. I feel like I am totally not part of this world. Like they would be better without me. I thought I was too fat. I weighed about 70 lbs. I started eating so people would think I was normal, but then going in lunch and barf. I wouldn't eat for supper and only have a grape. I figured people would like me better if I was skinnier. I started losing weight. Going down hill. Getting sicker. People starting not wanting to be around me no more. I thought it was my fault. When I looked into the mirror, I saw a fatter person that I just wanted to get skinnier. I have been doing worse now that my friend died who helped me try and get through it. I am really scared to tell someone. I told one friend, and she just laughed and started a rumor about me.... I don't know what to do.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/14/01
I am joining this support group because of my 25-year-old daughter. She has been dealing with this since 1995. At the moment she is back at Colombia Hospital in New York. She was at this hospital last June for three months. I'm not particularly fond of this place.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/14/01
As long as I can remember I have had hang-ups about eating--I've never really liked lunch, so I skip it, I am also a vegetarian. In high school I would practice soccer for two hours and then go to an aerobic class at gym, running on a bowl of cereal and a pickle. After gaining weight at college, I started attempting to lose weight my junior year. In a matter of months I lost 30 lbs. (a 5' 7 frame and was down to 115 lbs.). I was eating approximately 400 calories a day (mostly consisting of fruit and sweets) and not missing a day of exercise, even if it meant missing going out with friends. I avoid going out to dinner with people and would rather see a movie. After being approached by friends, my parents, and a doctor I realized I had a problem and started eating more. I have since stabilized my weight, but still eat only around 1000 calories a day and still exercising around five days a week for over an hour. I have trouble eating in front of others and have no control when it comes to sweets. I am seeing a nutritionist and have been encouraged by her and my doctor to see a therapist. And I am seriously considering it--I just want to be free of this problem and eat when I feel like it, stop when I want, and not think about it.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/14/01
I am a 35 yr old female who has suffered with anorexia and bulimia for years. I was in the Rader treatment program twice.
I recently quit smoking and had a hystertomy and have gained about 25 pounds. I have begun to use my old ways with this disorder, skipping meals, laxatives and wanting to buy diuretics. I have begun exercising, but seeing no results. I just think if I can lose about 20 pounds from my belly, I will feel better about myself.
The depression has been unbelievable. I'm crying a lot and very unhappy. Hopefully you can offer me some type of help.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/07/01
Hi, my name is Lesley. I was diagnosed with anorexia at 14 years old. Then I was hospitalized for a year. Everyone (including myself), thought I was recovered. Recently, however, I have discovered that this is not the case. I have started lying about what I have/haven't eaten, I have been using laxatives, secretly exercising in my bedroom, and distancing myself from anyone who appears to care. I find this disease terrifying. I feel that I cannot continue to battle any more. At the age of 20, I have no friends, no job, no future. This is because I have become too weak to fight this. PLEASE ANYONE AT THE START OF ANOREXIA--GET HELP NOW, BEFORE IT?S TOO LATE.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/07/01
My name is Khristy. I am 32 years old, married with two children and am admitting that I have an eating disorder. I do not throw up, but for 17 years I haven't thought about much but what I look like. If I gain weight, I get very upset and depressed which make my entire family suffer. It controls me and has ever since the age of fifteen.
I don't throw up, but in high school I took ipecac several times, not wanting to go to school because I didn't like myself. My Mom didn't know and just thought I had the flu.
I used to not eat for days, go to school, come home and sleep. I remember wondering if my heart was going to stop because I felt so weak. I would get up and exercise like there was no tomorrow.
I was very popular in school. I cheered for years on the pep squad, was homecoming princess my freshman year and was also the freshman class president. I sang in choirs and jazz ensembles, even played in the junior philharmonic as second chair viola.
I can see by typing this that I have made myself a super high achiever. Obviously even back then I couldn't do enough. I must have been running from my emotions then.
It won't be easy for me and I can't imagine feeling any differently about how I perceive myself. I am so hard on myself, and everyone tells me so. There must be a reason why. It's the idea of what perfection is to me. Not what others think about me, but what I expect out of my life and myself.
I have felt so all alone in my world because no one understands. I have been told by others that they have insecurities just like anyone else and for me to not be so hard on myself, but I know that it is much more than that for me. There are days when I can't think about anything else but what I am not going to eat and what I could eat that would be small and would get me through the day.
After reading other girls' stories on the Internet, I have started to feel a door opening with the light coming through.
Nothing in my life has been good enough to me. My husband, kids, my life, my abilities, my feelings. I have felt so inadequate for so many years now. I even went as far as having breast surgery so that I could still be thin but have normal looking breasts for my husband.
I felt so ugly and inadequate, even in bed. My husband never would have thought of this idea of having implants and he tried to talk me out of it. I really believed that he was being ripped off in our marriage by not having a wife with breasts. I knew there was something really wrong with me after the surgery because I now look like I have gained at least ten pounds. When people would now guess my weight, they wouldn't be saying are you even at 100? They are now saying you are about 110 aren't you? I have been 97 lbs. for eight years now and I am 5'2?. I couldn't take it and still can't. I am having them removed. I don't like the way they feel either, but it has to do about how I felt they made me feel. I felt like a huge fat person. I have hid for six months, not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone.
Today I had the breasts removed and feel so much better. I look down at my chest and see thinness once again. The only really important thing on my mind is to now be as thin as I can be and try to get some help at the same time.
I think I use weight to feel a sense of emotional control. I can't imagine not feeling this way. To think of gaining a pound would just really make me crazy and it has in the past.
I have made appointments in the past with dietitians, but never went because I didn't want to gain weight. I didn't want anyone telling me I needed to. Now I am ready to face whatever it is that is going on.
When my Dad passed away when I was in high school, it must have been very traumatic. He had Leukemia for four awful years and a lot of emotional abuse went on. Now that I am older (32), I cry easily when I think about what I wished I had as a daughter from my Father. I am now grieving what I was too angry to think about then.
I began to feel very hateful and angry toward him because of that. When he passed, I very seldomly thought about him again, unless I was telling someone how bitter I was about something he had done to me.
I can remember that when my Dad was dying was when I stopped eating. I would go for days without food or water and would exercise for hours and hours.
When I got a little older and had my first child, the focus was temporarily off of me, but right after I had my son, I was back to not eating and exercising again. This pattern has gone on for years now.
It's embarrassing to think that I have a disorder, but the fact is that I do. Maybe I need to deal with my past now. I know that I really wanted my Dad to love me, but he never told me he did. I had a lot of the same talents that I really wanted to share with him, but he had no interest in me. Maybe that is very painful for me. I think it was extremely painful, but it made me angry then. Somehow it must have made me feel inadequate as a girl and now woman or human being for that matter. Maybe that's the key that will unlock my freedom to a regular life. I hope so.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/07/01
I have been anorexic for about 8 years. During this time I have not been active at all the times. Such as starving myself...but the thoughts are always there. It is making my life so sheltered. I recently got married in June. I couldn't even enjoy the day as much as I should have because I was worried about eating too much.....
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/06/01
I had been anorexic for about a year, and I finally started going to therapy this fall. It was really hard at first, but things started getting better once I finally decided that I needed to gain weight no matter what I thought/wanted. Anyway, my therapist was really good and she helped me recognize what started my ED, and I went on Prozac and that helped a lot too. Everything was going REALLY good, and for a while I actually thought I might get out of this and be getting my life back together. I even started to accept and partially like my body (amazing huh??). UNTIL...
Everything was like too good to be true, then the worst thing possible happened to me. Prozac was helping me a lot, and I was really glad to finally find something that helped. I even started thinking that I might not really need it anymore. Then I found out the hard way that I did. I ended up having a really bad allergic reaction to Prozac, and no one even knew what was going on for a while (I had a really itchy, burning rash all over my body), and I went to tons of docs, including the hospital. They finally put me on steroids and stuff to take care of my rash, but those made me bloated and get really swollen, along with terrible headaches and nausea. That all went on for about two weeks, and I was starting to get better. But I obviously had to stop Prozac. While I was sick I didn't really want to eat, and never ate meals, but only snacked when I felt like it. This was really bad for my ED, 'cause consistency was really important for helping me get better. Anyway, after my allergic reaction was over, I didn't feel like eating for a while, and I found myself getting really excited about it. I had the feeling of power back of anorexia. Lately I have been under a lot of stress and have gone back to my old ways almost completely, and it is scaring me....
I feel out of control a lot and am getting stressed out and I just can't handle it all.... I need my medicine back!!! My therapist warned me about relapsing after being sick, but the bad thing is in a way I want to ?cause I am having tons of problems with body image lately and I wish I could go back to my ED just for a while to lose weight (not that I am overweight, but I feel FAT!). It is looking sooo good lately, that I have been restricting A LOT during the day. But my problem is at night I think about what I did, and I know it is wrong. So I sometimes feel I need to make up for all the calories I cut back, so I end up eating a lot to get more calories, but it feels like I am binging and it is SOOOO depressing. I hate that feeling--AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGG!! I don't know what to do!! Someone help me!! The thing is I wanna lose weight, but I know I shouldn't, so I binge and feel crappy ( even though the most I get is about 1200 cals w/ a binge, which has been just about daily this week). My problem is I can't purge, even though I try sooo hard... so when I binge, I just starve myself the next day and end up doing the whole thing again. It is such a vicious cycle, and I just can't jump off the carousel as my therapist says.... It especially makes me mad 'cause I really thought I was better for a while, and it feels like I have lost four months of therapy in like a week....
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 03/01/01
My cousin/sister had been dealing with bulimia for 20 years. It started in high school. She has been in so many eating disorder hospitals. She has been in the hospital many times and a couple of times near death. My cousin about 4 or 5 years ago started getting seizures, too, because of her eating disorder. My godmother had to take care of her around the clock. She has had a heart attack too.
Her eating disorder team of the facility she was staying in thought she was ready to live on her own. None of her family thought she was ready. Well, her social worker co-signed her lease. I couldn't believe it because I didn't think she could be alone because of her seizures. Well, she was in her apartment a couple of days. My cousin was talking to her boyfriend on the phone and told him she had to take her medicine and she would call him back. She never called him back. He knew something was wrong. My cousin was lighting a candle, went into a seizure and the candle fell on her. She went on fire from the waste up. Third degree burns. She was on life support. She had to be sent to Temple University because her burns were so bad. Well, we lost her last week. My cousin's kidney's started failing and her heart, and some had to do with her eating disorder. My cousin was only 31. I think that is way too young to die. My cousin and I are the same age. I'm trying to do something in her memory. I would like to talk to other girls that are going through the same thing.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/24/01
I finally admitted to myself that I do in fact limit what I eat to only protein. I have sought help and am in individual therapy, but still feel very alone, like this is a disease of teenagers and here I am, 30, and can't fix this. Every day is a struggle and even when I think I am eating better, people tell me I'm not. I guess all these issues are to be expected in the initial stages of treatment, but I feel like this is never going to get better.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/23/01
About two years ago I went on a "health trip" . . . intending to better my lifestyle and diet. I was 5'4? and around 110 lbs., in my head I was 200. I think it has a lot to do with being raised in California, but at the same time, I am not sure why or how this happened to me. I try to have control, I deny that it is a problem still, but I know in my heart it is. I am afraid of everyday life sometimes, the whole "eating" thing frightens me. I want so badly to be healthy, but healthy to me, means eating . . . and eating~well, you know . . . means getting fat. I have never been, nor am I now fat . . . I can say this without hesitation . . . but when I look in the mirror~or sit back and let my feelings succumb me, it is a different story all together. I am lost and confused, maybe talking to someone would help me . . . I hope to hear from you soon!! Lonely and insecure . . . . Michelle
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/18/01
I have been dealing with anorexia since I was 14. I have been in too many hospitals to count. I can honestly say that at this point in my life I am doing the best I have ever done as far as eating goes. Don't get me wrong, it still creeps up on me every now and then. But for the first time in my life I feel that anorexia is my loss of control, not my control.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/18/01
I have a problem and I am fat, but I'm not, if you know what I mean. My friends say I am skinny, but in my mind I know I am fat. I hate my body! I think I am huge. I am 5' at 90 lbs. and I haven't been eating for the last couple of days and I keep telling my mom that I am too fat and that I want to go on a diet. After the first day I didn't want food, and I don't want anything to eat at all. I want nothing to do with food. I have a friend who is really skinny and I think she has an eating disorder, but the thing is she says she's fat and I want to be as skinny as her--maybe even skinnier. She is 5'4", 80 something lbs., and I would love to be that skinny. But I am not sure if I have anorexia or not. I want to be like 70 lbs. or less, and I am afraid to eat and stuff. I ate a little today, but I didn't want it and I felt sick after eating it. Please help me. Do you think there is something wrong with me?
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/18/01
I have been struggling with anorexia since high school. I have managed to keep it hidden, until recently. I do not know how, although, I think many have had blinders on. I am now in therapy, struggling to improve my life. My therapist has suggested I look for a support group and I have been hesitant. I don't know why, fear maybe. I came across this and figured I would give this a try. I have felt like I have been the only one in the world with this problem and people would see me as crazy. Even though logically I know I am not alone, I feel alone with it.
I have gone through times where I will exercise to the point of collapse. I feel like I am doing something about it. I also struggle and deny because of my age. Most people hear of this problem in high school...I feel like I should be rid of it by now and that being thirty with this problem makes me even "crazier."
I feel like no one can or will understand and I am trying to struggle and figure it out, I am at a loss and feel like I don't know what to do.
I also feel that I am not making sense. I hope I can make sense of it all one day, I hope to know why I do this to myself and why I can't stop it. I am in a constant battle that I cannot seem to win.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/18/01
Please include me as part of your on-line support group. I am the father of a 17-year old anorexic who has been sick for 5 and one-half years.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 02/04/01
I have struggled with anorexia for 16 years and have been in the beginnings of recovery for the past six months. I have been actively working on the issue with my therapist and a nutritionist since I came out of denial of my condition (which has been the past six months). The illness is so complicated that it is truly difficult to figure out how it started and when but I remember it kicking in when I was thirteen. I am a survivor of sexual abuse which I have read is a leading factor in people who become anorectic. Also,now that I am in recovery I have noticed that my mother's relationship with food is extremely disordered and realize now that a lot of my ideas about less is more come from her way of seeing food and her own responses to it which she unconsciously passed down to me. I really think it is vital for those of us in recovery to be able to have a dialogue with one another to bring this illness out of the darkness and into the light.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/22/01
I have been sick for 17 years. I have been on and off well since then. Now I am having a difficult time. Just lost a lot of weight and bought my first size 0 jeans since I was a teenager.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 01/15/01
My name is Sheree.
I am 30 years old and have been anorexic since I was about nine years old. There was a wonderful time not too many years ago that I was not actively anorexic? but IT is back. IT is as bad as it has ever been. I am not sure if it is the depth of the thinking again or the circumstances that complicate it so much now?
I was sexually abused as a child in foster care and that is when it all started. Those in charge of caring for me ignored the signs and symptoms and pretended that nothing was wrong; I stayed silent, locked in fear. When I finally started coming out of my protective shell around 16, there was a comment made by someone who was angry with me that I had "thunder thighs". I knew that I had muscular thighs, after all, I was in gymnastics, cheerleading, track and basketball! But it planted a seed and when boys started noticing me and I went out on my first date ... it all fell apart again. I put myself in a vulnerable position that night, wanting desperately to fit in, I drank to near unconsciousness. My date took full advantage of that. My father was looking for us and found us?. Found him? and said nothing! I did all that I could to become the perfect daughter, perfect athlete, perfect person again after that night. Mostly I did all I could to make sure no one, ever noticed me? which meant I had to be as good and quiet and thin as possible. I thought if I was thin then I could just disappear, fade into the background. I thought that being thin would make me pretty enough that people would leave me alone, I would be happy, and smarter, and more athletic and faster, and a better ball player? all of those illusions.
I was the typical perfect daughter, straight A student? demanding more of myself than anyone could imagine. Eating only a half carton of milk for lunch and a slice of bread at night.... all AFTER exercising of course? because I had to earn my food. I didn?t deserve it. I don?t know how I managed to survive in high school? Feeding off of my own muscle I suppose. I guess I finally slowed down on the anorexic behaviors when a coach showed me some video of my game? it looked terrible. He never said anything, but I knew that I was weak and slow because of starving. I tapered, but continued my habits in college.
Things got better after a couple of years of marriage and we struggled to have a child together. I had damaged my body in ways that even I didn?t understand at the time. Kidney, pancreas and fertility problems! I developed a heart valve prolapse as well, which caused palpitations.
Then a random, single act of violence... A stranger abduction and rape left me isolated, afraid and feeling out of control again. Through counseling and during a long awaited pregnancy, I fought those urges again? but I was ?doing? some of those things again. After the baby came and counseling ended? life was suppose to be okay again. But the overwhelming fear of being fat, of failing, of vulnerability, of not being fit enough to get away next time, of being out of control, of the anger getting out, of being unworthy- all of it?. Has led me here, AGAIN. I am a split personality (figuratively)? I know what is good and right and holy and pure ? and yet, I cannot seem to give myself permission to live this way. I prefer the punishment of physical exercise and starvation than the emotional pain. I like to exercise past the point of pain. I can get totally lost from this horrible person when I exercise in "the zone." I don't have to be a complete failure when I am exercising. I try to picture myself at those times and how thin I am getting. I like to have sharp clavicle bones and defined hip bones and rib bones showing. When somebody says something, even if they mean it derogatorily or as a statement of shock - I like to hear how thin I am. At least I can do something right! I wonder if I am the only one with this black and white world and odd way of thinking sometimes. I feel like I am "different" from everybody else. Not special, not unique... different.
I am in counseling, my husband knows, my best friend and one sister know, my family doesn?t. I have a nutritionist. I am surprisingly pregnant again (God has a sense of humor)?. My O.B. knows. I struggle every single day to eat a bare minimum for the baby and me. I struggle everyday to keep my exercise to what the nutritionist will allow? despite chest pains, dizzy spells and numbness that begin almost as soon as I start. I fear for my husband and sons and what I have done to them with all of this. I fear that my unborn daughter will not survive or may already be harmed. I fear that I will never know true recovery?. That it is too late for me? I fear I will die.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/13/00
A couple months ago I was going to a party with my friends. I have to say I was happy before all this. I was 5"2 but weighed 129 pounds. When I got there, all of them were wearing halter tops, shorts shirts, things that showed their stomachs. I was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt so that no one could see my larger stomach. I had always been aware that I was fatter than my friends. Not by much I don't think, but I could never show any part of my body for fear of getting made fun of. My friends didn't seem to care that I was larger, they were very supportive when I complained about my weight. When I went to that party, I was hanging out with my friends when some of our guy friends walked over. They said hey to us and they sat down in the same chairs with my friends and started feeling them up. I pretended to be cool with it but I was just sitting there really uncomfortable so I excused myself and went to the restroom. I bumped into this older girl who had seen what was happening. She asked me if I realized that I was inadequate and no one wanted to be around me because I was chubby. I ran off crying and called my parents to take me home.
I pretended to be sick for three days. I didn't eat anything for fear that I would get fat. My parents made me go to school after that because they thought I was not sick anymore. They had no idea what was happening. For the next week I came home and exercised for an hour a day and watched every piece of food that went into my mouth. My parents realized what was happening after I went down 2 pants sizes and didn't have a tummy anymore. They forced food into me and at school, notified teachers so that they made sure I was eating. I gained back two pounds that I had lost and became hysterical. I wanted another way to keep off my weight. So I started throwing up after most of my meals. I hid it pretty well for a couple of weeks. Then I became extremely skinny. I couldn't hide it anymore. I was weak, was 5'2", and weighed 90 pounds! It started to hurt to do anything. My parents took me to see a shrink but I still thought I was fat.
I then pigged out for two weeks and became fatter. My parents told my I was healthy this way. I can't stand it. I have started throwing up again. I want to stop. I really need more help than my parents and an old man who gets paid to give dumb advice. PLEASE!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/22/00
Where to start? Have had an eating disorder for a long long time. First showed up in my twenties, then after four years of intense therapy and hospitals I was better. Came back in my thirties because who knows why???
Anyway here I am now at forty three with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue and this eating thing I thought was gone. I've lost forty-five pounds in six months, my doctor doesn't know what to do (although he's really a wonderful doctor).
That's a "Readers Digest" version of my story. I would love to hear from others, I know having an ear to talk to is important and sometimes just nice.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/20/00
Hello, My name is Emily, and I have been anorexic/bulimic now for right around 4 years.
While growing up, I always had an extreme fear of becoming "fat" someday. I was always a thin child because I was always active in dance, gymnastics, and sports. I ate normally--but always, in the back of my mind, I was scared to death of being fat when I grew up.
As I got older, I was never fat. I was built like an athlete, and I felt like I was too muscular. I always felt that for a woman to be beautiful, she had to be very skinny--and I had muscles. I was built like a gymnast. Sometimes guys at school would tell me how "tough" I was or how I was "buff," and they would mean it as an honest compliment. Little did they know how seriously I took those comments--every one of them piling on top of each other until I eventually started something that I'm deathly afraid that I will never be able to stop.
In the beginning of my Sophomore year in high school, I decided to starve myself for a week, just before we got our school pictures. I was just experimenting, seeing what would happen. Because my metabolism was so amazingly high because I was always extremely active with sports at my high school--I lost weight very very quickly. It had only been a week, and I noticed the BIGGEST change in my appearance in only that short amount of time....and I loved it! My school picture was like, "so cute" that year, and I immediately associated it with the weight loss. For the next 2 years, my weight would fluctuate. Every time I wanted to lose weight for a specific event such as prom, or some hot date I wanted to impress, I would starve myself. I began to notice how it became harder and harder to lose the weight. It took so much longer than it did when I first started. Not just that, but when I would put the weight back on, I always would put back on more than I had before I had begun. I honestly believe that the only reason I never was "overweight" was merely because I was so active, because I had completely messed up my metabolism.
When my whole little "eating problem" took a serious turn, was after I graduated from high school. You see, I have always had a serious issue with self-esteem. I'm told by lots of people that I'm beautiful and how I've got a nice figure--but I've honestly never felt that way about me. Words can't explain how lowly I feel about myself. I feel anything but pretty or skinny. I always assumed that they only said that to be nice, and because they were my friends. Just before I left for college, I decided that I was going to be a whole different person when I left my small town. I was going to be skinny--not "in shape" or "muscular" any longer. So, for a couple of months before I moved out of the house to go away to Southern Utah University, I starved myself. Usually the only thing I would eat during a day was maybe a couple of swallows of orange juice or some sugar-free candies. I would try to eat absolutely nothing, but I never could do it without having a little bit of sugar in my body to keep going. I found that as the days went by, it became easier and easier to not eat, because I didn't feel hungry. I was extremely extremely weak because I was still running a couple of miles a day. Little by little, my thoughts about food and eating got more and more distorted. Anytime I would eat ANY FOOD, whether it be fat free or even calorie free, I would feel like it was making me fat. Sad to say, that's still how I feel. I know that the thought of all food being "bad" is totally ridiculous and wrong, but I can't change the way I think. Isn't that bizarre? I have done numerous reports on eating disorders and I have taken many nutrition classes, and I probably know more about eating disorders than most people. I know what I'm doing to my body--I know what the possible consequences will be--and yet I still do it. I can't change.
Back to the story--I left for SUU weighing my all-time low. I'm not sure exactly how much I weighed, but I honestly felt for the first time that I looked really good. People would comment all of the time how much weight I'd lost and my parents were completely freaking out about it. It was during my first year of college that I discovered binging and purging. How wonderful it was! Getting to eat whatever I wanted and I could give in to all of my cravings and face the "fat" consequences. The only problem is that I absolutely hate throwing up. It always makes me cry because it physically hurts, but mainly because of the emotional pain of what I had just done. I found myself getting more and more depressed, until I got to the point where I wasn't getting out of bed in the morning. The world held no meaning in my life and my whole world revolved around my body image.
I've always been one who has had a lot of friends, but at this point--nobody really wanted to be around me! I was always depressed and I had no personality whatsoever because I never ate. Eventually I gained back a lot of the weight--but it would always cycle over and over again. I couldn't stop. I had messed up my body TOO many times that if I went back to eating fattening foods, I would be fat and put on tons of weight. So much for my awesome metabolism, right?
It's been 2 years since I went down to SUU. Now I'm at Utah State and my problem is worse than ever. I've tried going to a counselor--who I completely DESPISED....and I've honestly tried to help myself. I'll do good for a while, but then my life will take a big turn and something will go way wrong in my life, and this is my way of dealing with it. I'm just fooling myself to say that I will ever fully get over this. I will always have a distorted way of thinking about my body and food. Even though I know what I "should" think, I can't think differently. Heaven knows I've tried.
Right now I weigh the least I've ever weighed. My body always hurts, I am sick most of the time, I have lost nearly all of my muscle mass, and I am the "topic" of most people's gossip--regarding how skinny I am and how gross it is. I've lost probably 35 pounds since high school. Since muscle weighs more than fat--I weight right around 145 in high school, I'm 5'7", and I'm down to about 110 now. To a lot of girls, that's still a lot. I wouldn't mind losing some more, and I'm sure I will because I never eat. I wear a size 1 right now (I have no hips!), and I even fit in a size 13-14 girls size.
For some odd reason I take pride in this. I love how my clothes that I wore last year fall off of me. I love the "Oh my gosh, she's so skinny and gross" comments. I love the "you are so little!" comments. I LOVE THEM! I live for them.
Believe it or not I do want help. I don't want to die, even though eventually I will at the rate I'm going. I just found out I have heart problems so who knows how long it will be. I just don't know a method of helping myself. I have tried the whole "counselor" thing and it doesn't work for me. My parents can't afford to send me to a clinic and I don't have insurance to pay for it. So I guess this is it.....that's my life. Pretty lame, huh? I know that I do need a support system though. I need people who know what I'm going through and we can help each other and at least talk about what we're going through. I can't do this alone....I'm so sick of being alone.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/29/00
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