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(Continued) (Referenced Recently in Time Magazine)
Established September 2000
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jen
Hi. I wasn't really sure if I should write or not, but after reading other people's stories, I really felt that I should.
I guess it all started (like everything else) with my parents. My mother looks like Audrey Hepburn--she is beautiful, intelligent, cultured and very, very skinny. Unfortunately she also has miserable taste in men and married my father. When my parents divorced, I was 7 years old, and now I realize looking back on it, I became chronically depressed for the next 10 years. My younger brother and I became the objects of intense court battles for custody, and the father who fought so hard for us would as often as not "forget" to show up to pick us up for the weekend. I later learned, after foolishly listening to my father's lies that had we lived with him (as I later did), we would give him a massive tax deduction. Well, my mother provided us with a farm to live on, fed us with entirely home-grown organic food, and tried to provide us with as many artistic outlets as possible. Though we were achingly poor, we had a pottery wheel and kiln (my mother made fancy pottery works and sold them for extra money) and there was always canvas and paint. I had ballet courses. But I was depressed and stubborn and NOTHING would wrench me from my pet depression. Both of us looked like our mother, thin and petite. My shame was that I hadn't inherited my mother's thick, auburn hair and blue eyes like my brother, and everyone told me how much I looked like my thick-set, beefy father for my green eyes and black hair. At school I consistently got low grades, which illicited the wrath of my dad. I was teased constantly for my bad skin (acne, eczema and freckles) and then (oh horror of horrors!) I started to develop hips and breasts before anyone else in my class! By 11 I had a 16-year-old's body--I hated it! I became even more shy and introverted. I became so ashamed of my figure in the pink and black ballet leotard that I stopped going to dance classes and I constantly wore clothes several sizes too big for me. I decided that I was just plain ugly and nothing would change that, so I quite simply stopped looking in a mirror (or any form of reflective surface) for a year or so. Every one on my father's side of the family commented on how I had inherited my father's figure, which is just plain cruelty to tell a 12-year-old girl. At that point I ate whatever I liked, whenever I liked--I know that I weighed 135. (I have been 5'5" since I was 10.) My father, grandmother and my father's girlfriend at the time all commented that I just couldn't continue eating like that, otherwise I would get a massive bottom. I was hurt, but my mother steadfastly insisted that I was beautiful, so I ignored them, for the time being, since I was never around them anyways. Well then grade 8 finished, and it was time for me to go to high school. There was (and as far as I know still is) only one high school in Moosecreek, and all of my old classmates were going THERE, so THAT was out! I wasn't going to be tormented by THEM any more. So, stupidly, I moved in with my father. I lived for a year with my father and his girlfriend in Ottawa and discovered a secret that my family had all carefully hidden from me--my father was an alcoholic. He would keep me awake all night rehashing the same subjects over and over again until he passed out in a drunken stupor, and I would sneak off to bed for a couple of hours before getting up to go to school. He constantly said mean things about my body and my skin (which I was and still am extremely sensitive about). He and his girlfriend broke up after that, and we moved to Montreal. At 14 I was painfully shy, I couldn't interact properly with people my own age. My only interest was in books and paintings. My father became even worse--I never knew half the girls that paraded through his room, he was constantly drunk and often forgot to buy food. He never had a kind word to say to me, and I became even more insecure about my body. Well he finally met a woman who could stand him, and they moved in together, with me along for the ride. I began to get a regular allowance, I didn't have to see him drunk any more, and there was always food in the fridge. But my dad became extremely controlling, to the point where the towels I used, the dishes that I ate off of, indeed any physical trace of me had to be in my room and out of his sight. Eventually I was caught mutilating myself and was forced into psychiatric treatment. The ineffectual lump claiming to be a doctor could only accuse me and tell me how worthless I was, so I tricked that I was "better" and went home. Now since my skin was watched like a hawk, I couldn't really cut myself anymore, so I began to "diet." My weight would fluctuate drastically, I have never been REALLY low, but I've ruined my poor body quite a bit. Most of my scar tissue is not immediately noticeable any more after four years, but I have chronic stomach problems due to starvation and far too much coffee (I lived off of the stuff for two months). I get chronic migraines. I have had one abortion and one miscarriage from lack of nutrition. I now have half a head of gray hairs (which are carefully dyed over) and I get "the shakes" easily, not to mention that I, like probably every girl reading this, feels like I am fat (right now at 110) and have never been thin (intellectually I know that 90 is thin, but I didn't feel it when I was there). I now have a very loving fiancee who is extremely understanding and supportive. Together we are trying to work through my body image problems, and he makes sure that I eat properly. Please feel free to email me. I have managed to keep my weight stable for a month now. Depression is a DISEASE that completely debilitates you! I haven't tried to kill myself for over two and a half years (since I met my chum). The medical "help" for depression that's out there is most times a joke. I have never been "treated" for my eating disorder, so I can't comment on what is available. I am sick of hating myself, of hating my body and I want to be proud of who I am now. I say, f____ 'em all! We're the only ones who really have to live in our bodies, so we might as well like ourselves.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/17/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sarah
Okay, I have three psychologists. I guess you could call me a little messed up. One is for my suicidal tendencies, the second for my eating disorder, and the third is to help me get over my prenatal depression. Yes, I am a bulimic, but also pregnant. I used to look pregnant even when I wasn't. You know, really thin arms and legs with a massive belly. Now it's just got worse. I know it's natural for women to get this belly, but I just can't seem to accept it as it is. I dread going to see my midwife and giving my urine sample. They can tell a lot from that little bottle of yellow liquid, and as soon as she puts it up to that little chart, the question or accusation comes, "Are you eating enough, love?" She knows I'm not--you can here it in her voice
You see, I don't binge, yet I know I'm bulimic. I just eat regular, maybe too much. But for every day I eat, I have to have two days when I don't eat anything--I think my limit is 4 calories. I'm normal weight, and no one would guess. This is when it gets dangerous. I am well aware of the risk I present to myself and my baby. The worst thing is no one can stop me because they don't know, and I am not about to tell them. I guess I am just babbling now....wait, let me get to the point. Even though I am normal weight and height and "happy" and a nice person, so they think, I had a heart attack on one of my purge days and was rushed to the hospital. It happens to anyone with ED's, whether compulsive, bulimic or anorexic, and whatever weight. You have to help yourself and don't expect near death, pregnancy or anything else to stop this disease.
Thank You........If you want to talk to me Email me...........
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/14/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sabrina
I want more than anything to be thin like the girls I know. Of course, people try to tell me that I am thin, but I'm not... I am only at 5'7" and I weigh 128 lbs. ... I can't weigh that much, I just can't--it isn't right, it isn?t pretty, and it sure isn't what I want.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/12/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Ali
I am quite hesitant to do this, but I'm tired of having no one to talk to. I'm also tired of dealing with the same issues day after day and feeling as though I'll never be free of food. I became anorexic when I was 15. I am 5'7" and was most likely a "normal" weight. I think that I got down to about 100 pounds before I switched over to bulimia and exercise. At that point I was taking 30 laxatives a night. I sought help and went to college. I had a few relapses in college, mostly involving bulimia. I am now 25 and have been happily married for over three years. I know that my story is not terribly dramatic and I was lucky to have gotten help before I truly hurt myself, but it still does not diminish the fact that I can't get rid of the mindframe of a person with an eating disorder. I think about food 24 hours a day. I feel guilty if I don't exercise every day. I recently lost about 10 pounds from working out and I seem to reset my new standard of an acceptable weight with each pound I lose. Some days I feel really good and skinny and other days I can't believe what I see in the mirror. Sometimes when I read or see something about eating disorders I feel incredibly competitive and feel guilty that I didn't "achieve" much when I was an active anorexic. Does this obsession ever end? If you are not active in starving yourself, but all the mindsets are there and all the obsession is there, are you still an anorexic? Do you still need help? I don't know what to think, and my husband really does not know how to deal with it...how can you, when you have never experienced this? I'm not sure what I'm expecting writing this, but I guess I feel isolated and not sure how to deal with this and am tired of dealing with it in general.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/11/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Helena
I have just been diagnosed as anorexic. I don't believe it, but I know I have a problem. I am terrified of going to see my psychiatrist for my first appointment on Thursday. I'm scared he's going to make me put on weight.
I started the year 182 pounds (13 stone) and at 5'6". I was overweight. So as my New Year's resolution, I decided to lose weight. I joined Weight Watchers. Even from the beginning I restricted my points lower than I was allowed. Everyone praised me as the weight fell off. I was ill with Pharyngitis twice, once in February and once in October, and both times I couldn't eat because it was painful, both times I lost a lot of weight and liked it.
Then they stopped my class because there wasn't enough people going to make it worthwhile. Everyone was told of an alternative, but I didn't want to go to another class. So I continued at home. Instead of a weekly weigh-in, I weigh-in every day--each morning after going to the loo.
In August I reached 133 pounds (9 stone 7), which is supposed to be my ideal. There I stayed for two months. Then I dropped my points to 5 a day (370 calories) and started losing again. Today I weigh 116 pounds (8 stone 4), but I want to be 110 pounds (7 stone 12) like my idol Audrey Hepburn was. I started exercising, too--I have a ski machine and I burn 1000 calories off a day. My weight loss has sped up to half a pound a day now.
I love Christmas, but I'm dreading it too. I want to enjoy the lovely foods around without worrying about the weight I'm going to put on, but I know "the disease" (as I call it) won't let me. It is nasty and rude and doesn't leave me alone if I don't lose weight or eat too much. The thing is, I don't know where "it" stops and I begin anymore. We are one.
I have had a stressful time this year. I told my family I was gay, which was hard because I got married two years ago. My husband won't let me go and has blocked a house sale so that I can't move on. Everyone is on my case about eating, but I just can't. This is my life, no one else is told to stop breathing, so why should I be told to give up this?
I realize my story is by no means different or unique to me, but having read all the other stories, I realize I have had life easy. However, I still want to lose weight and I know that as each goal comes and goes, I will want to continue and will set a new one. I would really welcome talking to others who have similar stories and who want to chat about how bloody awful this thing can make you feel.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/05/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Julie
I remember when it all started, grade 8 graduation 1996. I had always been an overweight child, always the one to get picked on. I wanted to look better in my dress, wanted everyone to remember me looking really nice in my red dress. I went on a diet three months before the ceremony. One day while I was making a salad, a bag of cookies caught my eye...tempted, I ate one, then two, then three, pretty soon I had polished off half the bag. Guilt overwhelmed me, I started to panic, I quickly ran to the bathroom, and for the first time, stuck my fingers down my throat and purged it all back up. Instantly I felt better, almost high, this was the beginning. Soon I was binging and purging every week, but not losing much weight. By grade 9 I had lost 20 lbs., but my weight fluctuated up and down. This went on for a year. In grade 10 I went through a series of traumatic events, and bulimia became my escape, the only thing I could control. It wasn't about weight anymore, just feeling sorry for myself. From there on it escalated, I was purging 3-7 times a day, everyday, I didn't think I would live to be 18. I couldn't stop, no one in my family cared to support me, I felt alone, and ashamed. I went into counseling, but rejected it--I felt uncomfortable, so I just went back to my old ways. I met a guy named Mike just after I turned 17--he made me want to stop. I started to only purge once every three days, then once every week, then once a month, where I am at now. I considered myself pretty much cured, until I found a web site listing people that have died from ED's. It made me realize I'm just as bad off as I was 2, 4, 6 years ago. I am obsessed with calories--I cant even eat gum without feeling the guilt. I take PMS medication daily, I exercise all the time, I drink about 6-10 cups of tea or coffee a day, and I physically feel fat--I see fat when I look into the mirror. I've lost 70 lbs. since grade 8 graduation, and to tell you the truth, I felt better then than I do now. I would gain 50 lbs. if I could just be happy with myself.
I am looking for someone to talk to--it is so much easier to talk to people that know what I'm going through. There is no one here, there is a waiting list to see the therapist. I just need someone who will listen.
Thank You.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/03/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jenn
A further update...
Hi!! It's me, Jenn, again and I'm writing you a quick note while I'm allowed on AOL for these few minutes. You see, I have had those privileges, and that of driving with my permit, or doing my usual routine of riding everyday, removed for punishment of being anorexic. But guess what? I was 5'5 1/2'' and 82 lbs.--the day I was committed to Friends Hospital. I went to Children's Hospital first, where they weighed me, and my parents were shocked. That moved me to make the decision to commit myself, since I knew now they'd make me drink an Ensure. But there I had to do four a day plus three Thanksgiving-style meals--with things like peanut butter, can you imagine? I am home now, trying to resume a normal life at about 97 lbs. I still have to drink Ensures, they think till I reach my goal weight of 110, which I can tell you probably won't happen for a very long time. But I just wanted to say you all have to stop this while, and if, you can. My family life is forever destroyed, I have no friends but a few I stay in touch with from the hospital, I have memory and motor skill problems, very noticeable by myself, and more psyche problems from the therapy at the fat farm. I know I will have relapses--when and where, I don't want to know, because unfortunately there is no cure, only remission. Peace out, good luck, and for the love of God, eat that d____ doughnut!!!!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 12/03/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jessica
At the age of 12 I began to feel discomfort with my body and the way it looked. My family used to always tell me I was fat, although I only weighed about 100 pounds. So I began to stop eating. I wouldn't eat for days at a time--it felt good, real good. In eighth grade I lost weight down to 92 pounds, where I just about didn't care if I died or not. I would go a week without eating, then I'd swallow a bottle of aspirin hoping everything would end. I would look in the mirror and be so disgusted with what I saw--I just wanted to die. My friends were always there for me, but I just couldn't get out of my habits--I didn't want to get better, I still don't. Please help me. Now I am in 10th grade and I need to stop this. I don't want to die anymore--I just want some help.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/24/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Veronica
I have had this for almost three years. I am at the moment trying to get help. For me this all started with a boyfriend. He was always telling me I was fat and that I would be sooo perfect if I just lost some weight. Well, I did everything I thought I could--I worked out, but still nothing. So I began to starve myself for like a week at a time and I was losing weight like no other, so I was like ok, this is working, I'm going to stick with it. Well, I lost 45 lbs. in six months, and everyone was telling me how good I looked. I was so happy--my life finally felt right. Well, then people started telling me ?you look good, but don't lose more.? How am I going to maintain my weight when every time I looked in the mirror, I still saw that fat girl from before? I look at myself now still to this day and I see a cow--someone who is nasty and fat, and I hate my body. I want to eat, but I can?t. And when I finally do, I just puke it up. I'm always sleepy and weak, but I cant ever sleep. I'm getting help!! I want help!! I don't want to die!!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/23/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Trina
I would like to talk to other people going through what I am going through now. I have anorexia and have been suffering for nearly two years now. The worst part is not having anyone else to talk to about it. I talk only to my husband, which ultimate ends up in rows and a therapist--who I am biased about because although she is experienced and has the qualifications, she hasn't actually ever coped with an eating disorder. I would really like to write to people who are like myself, just to release some of the burden really.
Please get in touch.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/22/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sarah
I know it?s mad, but I know that I'm ill. I don't see myself as overweight, in fact I know that I'm too thin and I can't stand people touching me because they'll feel how thin I am. I still can't eat, though. I suppose I must be scared of putting on weight - even though the rational part of me is telling me that I have to eat something. I don't go without food every day, but I can go without for about two days. When I do eat, I won't have anything other than raw vegetables or fruits, and even then I feel guilty. I've become totally obsessed with the fat contents of things and up until last week I was going to the gym five times a week for three hours at a time, burning off around 900-1000 calories a time.....which is ridiculous, considering I was eating practically nothing.
I've started seeing a counselor, but to be honest, she's rubbish!! She's trying to make out that this is the result of some deep-rooted psychological anguish I must have suffered, but she couldn't be more wrong - I have the best parents and friends you could wish for, I've never felt pressured about anything and I had the best upbringing you could hope for! If anything, I think this is all down to vanity, but she won't accept that! I think it all stemmed from me wanting to look better, and it?s a diet gone over the top.
I still can't stop feeling guilty about food, but I can't physically pick up a piece of food, put it in my mouth and swallow it! It's so mad!!
If anyone can help me, I would really really appreciate talking to someone who's gone through or is going through the same thing. I want to get better more than anything in the world - I'm fed up of being cold, irritable, tired, moody and above all, hungry the whole time! It's not that I can't talk to my friends and family, because I have told all of them about my problem - that was my first step to getting better, but they can't fully understand because they've never gone through it!
This was gonna be a short message! Hope it's not too boring. Thank you for listening.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/21/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Rebecca
I?ve been both anorexic and bulimic since I was 12. I was sexually abused by my father, who is also a dirty heroine addict. I used the E.D. as a coping mechanism. If I get help, what will be available for me? Will there be another way to comfort me? Suicide, hospitalization, counseling hasn?t helped me so far!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/20/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Meagan
Hi, my name is Meagan and I'm 15. I wasn't sure posting my story was the right thing to do until I read yours. I really need support right now, too. I started out bulimic two years ago and was able to overcome it, only to go into a cycle of binges and overeating that lasted all winter. I gained some weight and decided it was time to lose it. So I went on a diet.....and then I restricted and restricted until it was 300 calories a day, then none, for two months. I got a threat from my mom to hospitalize me unless I agreed to treatment. So I went to treatment, I guess thinking I didn't really have a problem. But I was put on Prozac, which helps me dramatically--I need it! The scary thing is that since I've been in treatment, I've lost weight, not gained, and I like it. It makes me happy. I tell my mom that I haven't, and my family and friends when they ask. I don't like lying to them, but I don't know what to say. I freeze. My foot was broken two months ago due to a bad mix of the beginning stages of osteoporosis and 6 1/2 hours of dance classes a week. Well, that all came to a crashing halt!!! I have strict orders from an orthopedic surgeon not to return for seven months! Dance was my life. I guess for the time being I'll just get involved in drama. All this to say that , with my cast, my secret couldn't be uncovered by weekly weigh-ins. But I got it off last Thursday and I go back to the nutritionist tomorrow for the first time without it. I'm scared, plus it's almost Thanksgiving, and my family will notice, along with my cousin, Mallory, who is also trying to recover, but who I think is relapsing.....Please help if you have any advice, or simply would like a friend who knows exactly what you're going through. Sorry this is so long.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/20/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Robyn
I have suffered with anorexia and bulimia since I was 15 yrs. old. I have been hospitalized twice, once at 19 and again at 29. I have many different reasons on any given day as to how it started and/or why it stared. My father was a manic depressive, and so some counselors feel that's why. Although the disease is never far from me, I have learned to live with it and not by it. I have been very good at helping others, in fact one doctor said that is part of my problem. I would love to help, in fact a young girl I work with who also suffers with this terrible disease would like to start a group in our town. Once you get angry at all the time this disease has stolen from you and are no longer fooled by all the empty promises it leaves you, it is somewhat easier to handle. Looking forward to helping if I can.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/07/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Kelly
Where do I start? In January 2000 I had a gastric by-pass surgery done, weighing almost 330 or so. I went into this surgery with all means I will make it and hit my goal. Well, I did and went overboard! Now I am anorexic I have this horrible fear of fat grams. I mean, I won?t eat over 8 grams in a whole day. So in a sense I am starving myself of the right amount of fat, considering I need 30 grams a day. I try every day to hit that and I just can't it--is so frustrating! I love the fat-free food I have learned to make and would rather eat that then anything else. I love to make lavish meals for everyone else and watch them eat it. Plus I go through cookbooks and recipes like a mad woman. I can?t go a day without looking or buying a new one. My thing is that I do eat all day, but when I hit that 8 gram #, I go to fat- free stuff. So, as the doctors say, I am anorexic and deeply depressed and I have panic attacks really badly. When I put on weight, I freak out and try so hard to get back down. I just got out of the hospital, and they helped some, but I feel so lost and confused anymore. I just never thought I would get this way. All my life I was told to lose weight, and now if I gain 5 lbs., I can?t handle that. So, I really don't know if I fit in here or not. Please feel free to email about anything.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/06/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sarah
I am currently struggling with anorexia. I have in the past as well. Was hospitalized once. I have little relapses. But it has been almost two weeks now since I have eaten anything worth it. I am attempting to get back on track, but my body won't keep it down. My throat burns a lot from not eating, I guess. I need help, but I don't want to go to the doctor or be hospitalized. As a Christian I know this is wrong, as a patient I know it is harmful. Thanks for listening.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/05/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Lori
I suffered from anorexia when I was 18 and almost died. I am a living testimony that you can recover from this terrible,frustrating disorder. When I suffered from anorexia, no one knew much about it. I played all the games and then some and got away with it all. I'm a Christian and I truly believe that God had a plan for me, and He took me through anorexia for a reason. I believe it?s because He wants me to help those of you who are struggling with this now.
This is a VERY complex disease that is not cured by a few this and a few that. You really need someone who understands this along with doctors who can physically help you along the way. If you aren't at a reasonable weight, there is no way that you can begin to understand or heal yourself. Your mind is not capable of it. You name it, I did it--there is really no game anyone who is going through this can pull over my eyes. I'm helping a girl now in my church who is really sick and a diabetic on top of it. She is close to death if she can't pull herself out of it. I feel that this is my calling in my life, to help those who are going through what I went through. I would have given anything to have someone there for me who understood, sometimes that's all it takes. Doctor's medicine can keep you alive, but it can't cure what the real problem is--that goes way deep.....
I am 5'5" and got down to 80 lbs. I did a box of laxatives a day, along with an enormous amount of exercise, eating only lettuce to keep me alive. Then I would preside to take a key and saw on my wrists until they bled. Yes, I did it all--I had people in the hospital lie for me, help me cover up the food so it looked like I ate it all. We are such good liars, don't let anyone underestimate an anorexic. I know that there is hope, I'm living proof of it--I'm married with four children, who would have ever guessed that!!! I'm out there for those of you who need my help. I will do whatever I can to get you through whatever you are going through. I'm at a very healthy weight and I eat whatever I really desire and I'm 115 lbs. So, yes, you can eat and still be thin!! I won't say that I never have problems with this disorder, but I can say that I am in control of it.....
Best of Luck to All of You !!
Please email me if you need me..... Labdraw@cs.com (make sure the subject you put is something I know is about anorexia so I don't delete it).
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/04/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jessica
I don't quite know how to start. I just know that I am alone and miserable and needing someone to talk with that has or is feeling similar to me. I have been overweight my whole life, my weight rotated around 195-205 lbs. and I am 5'8". I always felt like everyone was watching me. I never ate in front of anyone except my family because I was worried about what they would think. In December 2000 something happened. I don't know what. I just started exercising and restricting my calories to 600-800 a day. The pounds started falling off, and I felt really good about myself. People were very supportive and complimentary.
However, now I am out of control. I still try to restrict my calories to 600-800 a day. Sometimes when I workout, I can cancel a whole day?s calories out. This event is euphoric in nature and makes me want to do it the next day. I weigh about 107 now. I always wanted to be small. I thought it would make everything perfect and I would be able to be and do all the things the fat little girl couldn't. But I hate myself more now then I did then. I am emaciated, I have thin dull hair, I am so cold all the time I feel like I am turning blue, I am constantly worrying about how much I am eating or going to eat. Lately I guess I have been kind of depressed and not feeling like working out, so I worry that I now have to eat even less because I am not working out. I feel guilty all the time. I know I should workout, but I just feel too tired, and my legs hurt too much. I am tired, and my legs are so swollen! They look like tree trunks--I literally have no ankles. I am really tired, physically and emotionally, of feeling this way. Does the hurting ever stop???
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/03/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Kirstin
My story is so long, I don't think I would even know where to begin. Sometimes the idea crosses my mind that people can be born with disorders. No, I was healthy at one point. I was a healthy young girl who had it all and probably knew it because nothing threatened me. I was athletic, smart, tall, beautiful, good people skills, wealthy and happy. Somewhere it all changed, when I started making decisions for myself instead of letting my mother decide everything for me. When I was young, I only ate what was provided for me. I was the perfect daughter. As I entered the eight grade, I started to think for myself more. I controlled what I ate. I am tall (5'11'') and pretty. People were always telling me to be a model, so I guess I thought I had to keep the image of a model. I even did a little modeling before entering high school. I weighed about 125 or 120 pounds at a height of 5'11''. Modeling agents still told me that I would have to lose weight if I wanted to model for them. I didn't really care because I thought I looked good, but I still felt rejected underneath. Throughout the ninth grade I continued to be the perfect skinny, driven daughter. After a trip to Spain and France with a friend and her Mom, I gained 20 pounds. I was so disgusted with myself that I starved myself after the trip and lost it. But after eating the food on that trip that I normally wouldn't have touched, made me want it. I started eating more and began developing hips and breasts. As a sophomore at the age of 16 in October, I was older in my class. I was more in control of my life. I had a car, a boyfriend and good friends. When I started gaining weight, everyone in the family thought it was their right to tell me and make fun of me. I wasn't fat either, but I was so thin as a girl, that is was noticeable. I started feeling so insecure about it, that I coped by throwing up. I starved throughout the day, pigged out at home and threw up. I always ate dinner with the family because we always did that together. Sometimes I would throw it up, but sometimes not. My bulimia was only a problem for me. No one else knew. I started to get depressed as I noticed a change in my personal life. I was acting spastic, failing in relationships, and not as focused in school. I became egotistical and dramatic. My Mom and I were fighting more intensely then ever, too. The bulimia followed me to college, and I am just trying to end it now. I can never shake the disorder without trading it for another one. In high school I drank to forget. Now I am a student at UC Davis and am trying to get good grades so I can't drink as much. Instead I am now starving myself. But I haven't thrown up in awhile. At this point I am trying to get therapy. I really am not doing it too much for myself, but instead for my schooling and my friends. I have lost people I have loved because of this disorder. I don't plan on letting it take anything else away from me. I want to save myself before I am too damaged to live later on. I need help from experienced people and I need experienced people to be able to have a deep conversation with. I just feel like no one I talk to will understand me unless they too have been victims.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/03/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Amy
I've been struggling with bulimia/anorexia since I was twelve and been in the hospital three times. It's really starting to get bad now, and I don't know what to do or where to turn. I don't want to put myself in a hospital again because all they do is make you gain weight and send you on your way.....then it starts all over again. I would just like to talk to someone who might somehow understand what I'm going through.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 11/02/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Erica
I would say my eating disorder started at the age of ten. I was being sexually abused at that time by my cousin. My eating disorder didn't start because I felt fat, but because I was afraid of choking. I was placed in my first hospital at the age of twelve. It was then that I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. The road after this hospitalization was hard. I started purging about two months after the first hospitalization. I thought I was in control. I didn't have much control over anything in my life except what I ate. I have been in seven different hospitals for eating disorders. Not one of them helped because I wasn't ready for the help. In ?98 I was placed in foster care and at that time I was made to go to an eating disorder group. The group didn't help, but inspired me. I quit going. About one year ago I got really sick. I was always in and out of the hospital for dehydration and low potassium. I was so miserable then. I couldn't hardly move. I was always tired. I didn't ever do anything with any of my friends. My whole life was consumed by food. All I would think about was food. My family was always so scared I was going to die. Seeing them suffer was even more hard on me. Knowing I put them through this made me want to get help so badly. Everyone was giving up on me. They didn't think I wanted help because to them I wasn't doing anything to get it. The truth was I did want help. The eating disorder had so much control. When you are under weight, you don't think normally. All that matters is food. You can't make wise choices. It's not that you don't want help, but that it is so hard to let go. It seems like it is your life. You feel that it is your identity. People were always staring at me and making comments. I would wake up in the middle of the night scared to death. I always thought that I wouldn't wake up if I go to bed tonight. I would get so mad if I ate anything.....I always thought I was going to die from this. Nobody could help me. I had no life then. My eating disorder consumed me and every relationship I had. That was the most scariest time of my life. My doctor told me that if I didn't get help, that I would die. My heart would give out at any moment. I started looking for a hospital that would accept me without having any insurance. When you don't have any money and no insurance, finding a hospital is hard. I looked at so many. I kept losing weight and had no luck with any hospital. My brother took out a loan and made up jars for people to donate money. My picture and my story was on the jar. I was a little embarrassed with the jar idea, but I knew that in order to get help, this is what it would take. After talking with numerous hospitals, I finally found one. It was in New York City. It was a research hospital that was free. I didn't have to pay anything. I just had to be interviewed. They told me it would be two weeks before I would know if I got in. I was at counseling one day, and my cell phone started ringing. I looked at the number, and to my surprise it was New York. I was a little scared at first because it had only been half a week. They told me that they had a spot open, and that I could come on August 20, '01. That was only 20 days away. I was so happy, but yet scared. I would have to fly to New York (which I have never flown) and not see anybody I know until I was back home. I am from Illinois. I was torn. I wanted the help so badly, so I went. I took the biggest risk of my life. I chose life over death. When I went into the hospital, I weighed 72 lbs. and I was severely dehydrated with a potassium level of 2. I have been out of the hospital for about a month now. I left the hospital at 104 lbs. and I now weigh 98 lbs. I am struggling still. I go to counseling four times a week. I am trying. I know I will make it. I have faith.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/30/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Ginger
I first had anorexia when I was a teenager. I thought that the reason people told me I was too thin was because my stepmother told them to say that. Back then no one knew anything about anorexia, and I never got any help. Somehow I snapped out of it, but have been very thin all my adult life. I was severely abused from the age of 4 until 14 when I refused to allow anyone to hit me again. I fought back, and the beatings stopped.
I joined the Navy to get anyway from home. It was during the Vietnam War, and I was able to get an education on the GI Bill. I hold a B.S. in Applied Mathematics and have worked for NASA for 15 years.
When I was 40 I had a major breakdown and lost a great deal of weight. I rationalized that makers were making the clothes bigger. I was eventually diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have been on medical leave from my job as a computer engineer and project manager for the last year. Recently I have been unable to eat. I have a revulsion to food and have forced myself to throw up after I eat. No one knows I am doing this. I have been in and out of psychiatric hospitals due to a destructive alter in that dissociated state. I have made multiple attempts to kill myself and am only alive by the grace of God. But now the anorexia has come back and I cannot eat. If I do eat toast or crackers, I weigh myself to see if I have gained any weight. I have reached the point where I feel nauseous at the sight of food and I make myself throw it up along with my medication. I know I need help. My logical engineer's brain realizes that this is unhealthy behavior and even abnormal. But I cant tell anyone why I throw up. I don't want to go back to the hospital. But I am frightened at what is happening to me. I have a 19-year-old son and I want to grow old and see my grandchildren. Yet, I know I am putting my life in danger. I have thrown up so much that the sight or smell of food reviles me. I want help, but I don't want anyone to know my dark secret.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/28/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jessica
I don't really know how to begin, but I am suffering from anorexia. My parents admitted me into the hospital in the beginning of June because I had recently went to the doctor to get blood work done, and when they came back, I was severely dehydrated. So they admitted me into the hospital. That's when I was actually diagnosed with anorexia. I spent a month and a half there. Then I was released, even though I wasn't any better than when I went in there. Then I was set up on home health care for a week, but that didn't work out because they could no longer find any veins to put IV's in me. So a few days later I was admitted to the Fort Walton Hospital, the first hospital I went to was in Niceville. I spent two months in Fort Walton Hospital. When I was admitted into that hospital I weighed 82 lbs., when I was released I weighed 90 lbs. While I was in the hospital I found out that! I have a heart problem and one day I will have to have open heart surgery. I have a leaking valve and something else, I can?t exactly remember. I also had a feeding tube (peg tube) which they put in my stomach so they could feed me. Well, that didn't work at all. I only used it one time. I finally just got it out a week ago. The feeding tube did nothing but make things worse for me--I was always in the bathroom trying to purge through it--if I ate anything at all, even if I drank something, I would try to purge it out. I am now at home trying to do this on my own, and it?s not working that well. I am now at my lowest weight ever--74 lbs. I am 5'4". I need somebody to talk to. I can?t ever go to the bathroom because I have abused laxatives for so long taking up to 56 in one day. Feel free to email me at any time. Thank you so much. This is destroying my life.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/28/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Michelle
I used to be bulimic. I have starved myself for 10 days straight, and after my husband deciding to let EVERYONE know so that they would ride my coat tails for it, I ate half a Weight Watchers Meal the other day and yesterday I had some carrots, celery and cauliflower. But this is all new to me--I've always just thrown up. Now I have NO desire to do that, just eliminating food seemed so much easier and faster.....I have lost 20 ponds in two weeks and I LOVE IT. I am a 28-year-old mother of three boys and am JUST now fitting into size 10's, so OBVIOUSLY I cannot be anorexic.....who is anorexic and is a size 10?
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/22/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Lauren
To be completely honest, I have no clue where to start with this. I have had anorexic symptoms for a year and a half and was diagnosed with anorexia in July of this past summer. I went into treatment at the Belmont Center in August, weighing 92 lbs. at 5'6". I had lost over 25 lbs. and was miserable and exhausted and hopeless. Every time I stood up, the world would spin and I'd see stars. I restricted every meal to under 250 calories, but knew I was skinny and disgusting. I wore a sweater all the time because I was so cold and many times was extremely embarrassed by my sickly appearance. My bones poked everywhere, my limbs fell asleep constantly, and I was weak to the point that standing up was hard to do. I hated the way I felt, the way I looked, the comments my family and friends and even strangers gave me. I was embarrassed with myself and disappointed in myself. My moods were a crazy roller coaster. Growing up I'd always been the smiley one, and now I couldn't even be present in a conversation without the preoccupations of food. My life revolved around planning the next meal, counting the calories I'd had in a previous meal, or doing something else to keep myself in constant control. The mental struggle was the worst and has continued to be throughout the recovery process.
Belmont was my lifesaver. I learned to admit that I was anorexic and realized that it all stemmed from so many things in my childhood and adolescent years. I realized that presently for me it's all about the number on the scale - keeping it constant. I want my physical appearance to change, but I also want those numbers to stay the same..... Impossible, I know. And it's torture. I left Belmont at 103 lbs. on a 3,000 calorie diet. Since Belmont I've lost another 2 lbs. and have restricted myself to about 1,800 calories a day. I feel good physically - I'm not weak or lightheaded, and emotionally I feel like I'm starting to heal. My therapist and I have done some amazing work..... But I know that I could be better. I have a constant battle going on in my head. I feel guilty, and then feel guilty about feeling guilty. Eating makes me feel disloyal to my anorexia, but at the same time I long to get well and feel normal again. I have finally begun to feel present in the moment and am spending more and more time out of the house with friends. My life is back on track, but I know that the eating disorder is still there. I still catch myself obsessing and get angry when I do. This process is so incredibly hard and frustrating, but it's also so educational. I have learned so much about myself and am driven to get my life back. I struggle with depression constantly, but have found little ways to make myself feel better. Slowly but surely I will overcome this. The negative thoughts are the hardest ones to get past, but in the end they always make me stronger.
Please, if you'd like to share anything with me, feel free to write. I need support and love to give it as well. I've learned that talking with peers is the greatest help out there. So don't hesitate to write me - we can talk about anything.....
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/05/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Claire
Pleased to say--a past sufferer of Anorexia. Diagnosed with the horrible ?label? at 19 after slowly disappearing to a mere 6 stone. The reason behind my obsession is still unclear, which is a worry when I've been treated by Dieticians, Psychiatrists, Psychiatric Nurses and a Counselor. Why do things by half, is what I say!
I always had a subconscious problem with food, but at the age of 19 it was getting the better of me. So I chose the ?stay alive and fight it? option, which took some courage, but now I look back and believe it to be my greatest achievement.
It will always be part of me, but then at least I'm able to tell the story. Without support, it wouldn't of been possible. If anyone would like to email me, please do.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/02/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Elyse
I have been suffering with anorexia since the age of eight. It stemmed from an exhausting childhood: a father who was absent mostly and when available, was a violent drunk. My sister, four years my senior, is mentally handicapped and is 34 now with a thinking capacity of a 10 year old. My mother....................... well, I don't even know where to begin with her because to this very day she is still the same. No changes.....she just got older.
My mother as far back as I can remember was a horrible cook. She didn't like to do it and resented my father for asking her to. On days my father was not present, she made "separate" meals for my sister and I than she made for herself. She got fresh fruit, my sister and I got canned fruit. She ate ground beef made into hamburgers, meatloaf, etc., we got "meat patties" (whatever that was then). She ate fresh veggies and we got canned and this list goes on and on.
I grew up thinking I was not worthy of digesting anything descent, so I played with food from the time I was eight until I had full-blown anorexia by the age of 12. My first hospitalization was when I was 13 and lasted nearly a year and a half. (You could do that then, but completely unheard of now.) I was not treated with medication, and my time spent there was successful. However............. I was put right back into the same environment I had come from that got me there in the first place, and so within a short period of time, with a lot of resistance, I ended up back to where I was six months later.
It wasn't until I moved out of my mother's house at 21 that I started to really face ALL my issues of anorexia and OCD. I was able to start identifying that mostly what I had I was using as coping mechanisms.
I am in a very successful treatment program currently and am very proud of what I have been able to accomplish with their help.
Every day, though, I still struggle.........
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 10/01/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sam
Anorexia started when I had my exams last year. I got down from a size (AUS) 10-12 to a size 6. It is now a year and a half later, and I am a size 8ish. I desperately want to be a size 6 again. I have started binging and then throwing up. I have to get the food out. I take days off school, if I feel I look too fat that day to go to school, and as a result I am now not graduating from high school as my grades are not good enough. I know what I am doing is wrong and that I need help, but at the same time I don't want the help because I know I will begin to get fat again if I "recover." I cannot NO WAY talk to my parents about it or anyone at school, as they will be obliged to tell my parents. I don't know what to do because I don't look like an anorexic.....you know, all bony and ill. So I feel like a bit of, I don't know, a martyr--like I should not ask for help until I get to that stage.
Please help.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/19/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Christa
Well, I guess I grew up a pretty average girl, body build wise. My dad died when I was three. I started wearing a real bra when I was 9 1/2. I guess both of those things played a factor in my body image. Within the past two or three years my perception has gotten worse, although I have not left myself do anything extremely stupid. Right now I am 5'6" and 114 lbs. In no way am I skinny, so that is not my problem. I've tried Slim-Fast, low fat, no fat and all sorts of diets. Nothing works, and I know I should not be focusing on those anyway. I am a Christian and know that my body is a temple of God. I'm just sick of the way I look. I'm also sick of caring about the way I look. I'm sick of worrying about losing "Mr. Right" to a cuter, skinnier girl. I'm sick of having my best friend (male) make me eat and threaten to fill my plate. I'm sick of people picking up on the fact that I don't want to eat and making me. I want God to change me! I just do not want to gain weight. I've never had any treatment or anything like that. I don't want to do anything like that--it would be humiliating. I have good days and bad days. Some days I eat like 1,000 calories, and then some days it's only 300-500. I guess I just need help. I'm not sure what anyone could do or say, but if anyone wants to help, I would love it!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/17/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Andria
I love an anorexic. Any support I can offer or receive would feel good. Yesterday was a hard day. Today I wanted to DO something. Sometimes I scream on the inside at this demon she calls friend. Thanks.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/10/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Joanna
My first problems with eating and food began when I was about nine. I rode horses competitively, hunter/jumper stuff, and my trainer was always telling me that "anything that isn't bone can go," because a slim rider always looks better on a horse. Right about this time I was plumping up a little with my oncoming puberty, but I took my trainer's words very much to heart. For the next eight years I worked out constantly and weighed little more than 105 lbs. When I went to college after high school, my life turned wild with my new found freedom. So with the help of speed and alcohol and no food at all, I lost more weight. The ED kick became serious when I moved to California. I was about 19 and had gained back a little bit. By the time I was 23 I weighed 150 and was devastated and decided to start on the coffee and 400 calories per day diet, which brought me down to about 110. As anyone might imagine, my health both physically and mentally were both suffering terribly. Eventually after finishing college, I moved to Michigan, where I began cutting my arms with razors every time I ate something OR every time I did something I felt was wrong. I also went on a "diet" and weighed about 100 lbs. In a nutshell - I ended up losing so much weight and cutting myself so much and trying to commit suicide so many times - I was placed in a psychiatric hospital. Now after five years of treatment for bipolar disorder and ED, I'm doing much better - am "stable," but still struggle with the moods and the urge to do rash things about my weight. I've been taking prescribed medicine for the bipolar, which has made me gain quite a bit of weight that won't seem to leave. I'm constantly fighting with myself NOT to take fistfuls of laxatives or go for months on 200 calories per day.....I bought a stationary bicycle. I'm so frustrated about my weight because I'm feeling so fat. Never in my life have I been so fat. I hope you all are doing well. Thank you for reading this!!!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/04/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Rochelle
I became bulimic at the age of 12--for some that is young, for some that's old. I don't really know why I did it--I was just fat and I had heard a lot about it. All I listened to was that throwing up makes you skinny, so I did it. I never really binged, though, I just purged whatever I ate, which was usually only lunch. When school started again the next year, though, I knew I had to quit so that no one would find out.
I never found help for bulimia or told anyone that I had ever done it. So when the next summer came around, I guess I was very lonely and did a lot of dieting. Soon I would not eat more than 10 carbs a day, I would not eat salt, real sugar, meat or much of anything other than water. If I did eat anything (a cookie, a pickle, anything), I threw it up (that only happened a few times). And again, when I got back in school, I had to start eating somewhat normally.
That was this past year. Well, in December I got really depressed and I sought happiness by losing weight, but soon I found a better way was self-mutilation. Earlier in the year when I was angry with myself for eating too much, I grabbed a knife and cut my arm. And now I was doing it all the time.
I went for two months without cutting, until I recently started again. I actually found this site when I was searching for a pro-anorexia site. *sigh*
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 09/02/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Amanda
My story begins when I was nine years old. Early, I know. But my story is a little different from what is usually heard. I didn't choose to live like that, I was forced to. When I was nine, my parents had divorced. My father had always had a problem with alcohol, and my mother couldn't stand him. My mom moved out of the house and used the excuse that she had no room in her apartment for any of us kids, so we all stayed with my dad. Surprisingly enough my father was greatly depressed about my mother's leaving. This made him turn to drinking. I guess he figured I was okay ?cause I had my two brothers living there and their wives and everything. But my brothers soon grew tired of my father?s little games. They had decided that maybe if they left and got their own places, that my father would see what he was doing and stop. I was stuck in that house all alone at nine years old. No company, no money, no food. I enjoyed it for the first couple of weeks. I had no one to answer to, no one to ask permission from, and so I did what any other nine year old would do--I threw parties. But after the first two parties, it got old--not to mention everyone was starting to get suspicious. I lived alone in that for six months before my dad realized that no one was living there anymore.
Instead of slowing down, he slipped further into a depression and started drinking more. I had come to find out that my father lost his job because he didn't show up. Instead he was spending all his time and money at the bar and leaving his nine year old daughter at home. I didn't know what was going on or that I was hurting myself, until I had to do a weigh-in at school for gym class. I had gone from 150 lbs. to 117 in two weeks. Impossible, I know. All that time I thought I was okay. I was doing a lot of running around for those two weeks, so I thought my tummy was slimming down because of that. It was summertime, and I live in Arizona, so losing weight isn't really hard here. I knew at that point that something had to be done about my losing weight that fast. So, much to my surprise, my dad was actually home two days later when I came home from school. So I had told him what was happening, and instead of being worried, he said he was happy for me and that I should keep doing it. I thought after that my mother would be more understanding. So I called her and told her about my weight loss. She said the same thing, only she added in a little note that I was getting fat anyway, and she was going to put me on a diet. Well, at nine years old, you look to your parents to be your role model for the rest of your life. So naturally after that I thought I was okay and that I didn't need to get help. It all went downhill from there. I figured if I could make them proud by only eating breakfast and dinner, that I could make them even more proud by eating breakfast and exercising all day. And sure enough I went from 117 to 109 in a week. So I proudly announced this to my parents and again I got encouragement to keep it up. Well after four months of this, I was getting very fatigued and weak. I started flunking school ?cause I couldn't pay attention long enough to take notes. My father had started leaving me money every three months or so for food. Of course, he was drunk when he did it, so it was 10 dollars and it was supposed to last me for three months or longer. So instead of being "stupid" and spending it, I saved it up. So at that point I wasn't eating at all. By the time summer came around again, I was eating once a week and exercising when I had the strength to. And when I did eat, I only ate half or less and saved the rest for later. Later never ever came.
My mother had finally opened her eyes and saw what was happening. I was at about 99 lbs. by then. So she packed up my stuff and moved me out to California. She put the burden of making me better on my aunt. I spent two years out there. The first year was the worst year of my life. All I can really remember was sitting at the table on the first night I was there and seeing her bring out all of this food. I hadn't eaten in so long, that even the smell of food made me sick. Within the first two minutes of the meal, I was in the bathroom throwing up the peanuts I ate on the plane--all three of them. So I came back out about 10 minutes later and attempted to tell everyone that I was fine and I was just going to lay down and get some rest. They had told me that I could as long as I ate something first. So I had two or three spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and some salad, no gravy, no dressing. They were satisfied with that. After all, I was suppose to be getting better--it was a start. But since my sense of time was out of whack, I thought I held it down long enough for everyone to go to bed, and so I snuck off to the bathroom to throw it all up. I worked so hard at not spending my money on that evil thing called food, and my parents were so proud of me, that I didn't want to mess that up. So everyday they would make me eat a little more, and everyday I would throw up a little more. It hurt so badly. I got to the point where they would have to feed me in the bathroom because the simple act of swallowing made me throw up. I hated that feeling. I had gone from 99 lbs. to 78 lbs. in two weeks. I was sitting in the bathroom one night with four bags of chips. I knew all about bulimia at the age of 11. I knew what I was doing to my body. I didn't want to die. So I sat there with the chips and ate and threw up and ate and threw up for a whole night until I was able to eat and hold it down. I still wasn't well enough to eat whole meals though.
The night before my twelfth birthday I had decided no more. I wasn't going to lose any more weight, no more throwing up, no more starving myself. I had had enough. I ate my birthday dinner and cake and ice cream. I threw up a little, but still had food in my system, and for the first time since my mother left three years earlier, I had gone to bed before the sun came up. I was so proud of myself. I thought the worst was behind me--when in fact the worst was yet to come.
I was doing good for a year. My aunt thought I was straight and narrow. I did, too. However, I hadn't realized I had developed a new sense of disordered eating. I got home that night so proud to be better and to not have stepped on a scale once, that I just wanted and needed to know how I was doing. If I could turn back time, I would have never stepped on that scale. It went from 78 at my aunt?s house two years prior to 125. I was so depressed. I sat awake in my room crying my eyes out thinking of ways to punish myself for gaining weight. I didn't want to tell my mother in fear that she would be disappointed in me. I didn't do the typical go eat or excessively exercise. Instead I went to the kitchen and grabbed the dullest and most rusted and dirtiest knife I could find and started contemplating suicide. But then I thought I did it before, I can lose all the weight again. So as I got hungry from all the stress of crying and walking around, I drug the blade across my skin. It hurt, of course, but at the same time, it took my mind off the pain in my stomach. So after that night, I began to cut every time I got hungry. After a few years, it started to actually feel good.
By the time I was 16 I was doing it on a regular basis. I even bought a cat and had friends who had cats, so I would have a reason for the cuts being there. I did it all the way up till I was 18. After that, I got kicked out of my house because I had developed a drug and drinking problem and I was out partying too much. So I moved out and started treating everyone like they were my enemy. And then I would hurt them, and then the cutting became a way for me to punish myself for hurting others. And then I started gaining weight again.
So instead of thinking about what happened last time and going on a diet, I starved myself again. I was about 18 when I started that. Then when I was 19, I got some surprising news. I was pregnant. So I found myself in a dilemma. I remembered how hard it was to recover last time, and that was just because I was sick. Now I had to recover to save the life of this child in my belly. I thought I was doing good. Every checkup I had they told me my baby was perfectly healthy and that I was doing good. I wasn't, though. I was only eating once a day. I took my prenatal vitamins and considered that my breakfast, a glass of milk was my lunch, and a half a plate of Chinese food or Mexican food was dinner. But still somehow I managed to gain too much weight. My heart rate dropped the day I was in labor. I had to be weighed and I was at 189 lbs.--ouch!!!!!! To make a long story short, I went through 29 hours of natural labor and then I had to have a c-section. I would have a contraction, and my son?s heart rate would go from 180 to 62. Turns out he had started pooping and peeing in my womb. So he had his lungs clogged with that, plus because I didn't eat very well, his blood sugar was low and he couldn't eat anything without throwing it up for the first 24 hours. Thankfully he got better, and so did I. I still have the frame of mind that I am fat and am constantly trying to lose weight. I will never think I look good. But at least I can eat now and not punish myself for it.
I never really recovered from anorexia. I still only eat one meal a day and my snacks consist of grapes and other fruit. To all of you reading this--losing weight isn't as glamorous as it seems. You are all perfect the way you are.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/28/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jenn
Just wanted to update you -- I've gone down this summer to a low of 91 lbs. at 5'6" and I have been forced now to go to weekly weigh-ins and eat foods like bagels and oatmeal, which is like a feast. PLEASE--I've realized my whole summer was wasted planning my days so I didn't have to eat at home. Don't ruin your body like I have mine, as the results are pointless and it will look worse in the long run. If you need to talk, do it now and save yourself and your family the needless bullsh__ and paranoia--and also your life.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/23/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jessica
I was diagnosed with depression, a chemical imbalance, when I was only about five years old. I didn't really understand it until I got older and wondered why I had to take all these pills. Anyway, things went okay until junior high--the depression got worse, and I developed an eating disorder. I tried not to lose too much weight and did pretty good until my sophomore year in high school. My mom kind of cued in when she realized that I didn't eat breakfast, never asked for money for lunch and seldom ate dinner. Soon my menstrual cycle slowed and quit. After some help from my mother and doctors, things got better for awhile. I was okay, though, I thought, and things got better. I entered college and rationalized why I shouldn't eat, but I was still active and stayed about 95 to 100 pounds. Just recently I moved to New York to nanny, and things have gotten a whole lot worse. For one, I am not as active because I am watching two babies 12 or more hours a day, and food has become an obsession. When you are a live-in nanny, you lose a lot of control of your own life, so I feel very much out of control and I have gained some weight. I am consumed by guilt and am slipping back into some bad habits. I know I have a distorted body image, but knowing that doesn't help. I still look in the mirror and see me as fat. I am stuck out here for nine more months and know it is going to be so hard. I just feel so fat and the only way I know how to control it is by not eating, throwing up, taking laxatives, over exercising--it is all I think about, yet every day I still look in the mirror and feel fat. Every moment of the day I worry about being fat--it is a complete obsession.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/20/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sinead
I would like to say that the stories I have read on this site have touched me very much, but many of the symptoms I read about only bring back sad memories. I had a friend who suffered from anorexia for several years. She was a beautiful girl--5'11" (very tall for an Irish girl) with flaming red hair and beautiful green eyes. She was by no means overweight in any manner of speaking; in fact, she was a bit skinny. However, at school we started to notice that she was losing weight, which she denied, of course. She would tell her mother she had eaten at a friend?s house, etc., etc.--all the classic lies of an anorexic. She was selected for the Miss Ireland competition, and we, her friends, were all very excited about it--and so was she--but the anorexia took over, and she got weaker and weaker between her selection and the actual competition. She had lost 20 lbs. and thought she looked great. But she didn?t look great for those organizing the competition and she was disqualified. This, of course, made things worse--she started losing her teeth, her beautiful red hair, and the use of her legs due to kidney failure and osteoporosis. The second to last time I saw her she was in a wheelchair - the last time I saw her she was laid out in her coffin. She was 22. This is a true story, and I hope will maybe make those who are suffering think and to get help as soon as possible. I am thinking of you all.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/17/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sonia
I have lived with anorexia for nine years now. It started when I was 14 because my sister was a model, and I wore a size 10 in women's jeans, and her and all of her friends would make fun of me. Plus my dad abused me very badly all of the time. I couldn't leave my house or even go to the bathroom without the assistance of my mother, so I found control from anorexia. By the time I was a senior in high school I weighed 86 pounds, and nobody had even noticed that I had lost the weight. Maybe they were all blind or just did not care. When my mother finally did notice, she freaked out and dragged me here and there to doctor after doctor. The month after I graduated from high school I became pregnant with my first child, and she literally saved my life. I knew that I had to eat to have a healthy child. I ate and gained weight and had a really beautiful, healthy little girl. I didn't suffer from anorexia again until after the birth of my second daughter in May of 2000. In June of 2000 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to go through surgery and treatment for it. In December of 2000 I was diagnosed with a mild version of stomach cancer, which was also treated. In January 2001 I had oral surgery done to remove all of my teeth. They were all damaged very badly from the anorexia followed by two pregnancies. I had two sets of dentures made, and later found out that my mouth is too small for dentures. I will have to live without teeth until I can get the money for dental implants, which will probably be never. Anyways, in April 2001 I moved into a new house, and it seemed to be going okay, until I got this depo provera shot for birth control. Then I started feeling really badly. That is when I realized that I had not eaten in almost a month. I did not even realize that I had not eaten. I couldn't eat no matter how hard I tried. I now weigh 95 pounds. I am scared to death. I don't want to die. I have absolutely nobody to turn to--nobody. I cannot work because I am too weak. I had to give up my house and move into my parents? lake house with my daughters. I don't know what to do. Don't know how to get help. Don't know how to gain weight. I am so afraid to eat because every time I do, I feel sick and get these really irritable bowel symptoms and I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and alone. I am severely depressed, and the only thing that keeps me going and not giving up is my children. I want to see them grow and be healthy and be happy, but I am so afraid that if I don't find help soon, I won't be here. Or that they will see what I live and start living the same like a story I read on the web site. I don't know. I just want to be healthy and happy. I don't feel fat. I know that I look horrible. I am so ugly. I have no teeth and look like a skeleton, too. I never ever dreamed I would feel so badly about myself, but if anyone else looked like me, they would feel badly, too. Not only being thin, but toothless, too. It is so sad. Thank you for hearing my story.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/13/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Lisa
I first started losing weight about 2 1/2 years ago. I was huge! Over 200 lbs. I found these great diet pills, all herbal, and they worked. I am now a model for these diet pills, although they have turned my life into a living hell. I never thought myself anorexic--it was a friend who came to me and said I looked too thin. My friend is a nurse and she asked me some questions, and bam--there I was diagnosed "anorexic." For some time I ignored what she had to say, and then my husband threatened to leave me, and my family was always watching me, and my doctor said I needed treatment immediately. So I went into therapy, did what they all wanted and gained weight. Now I secretly take the diet pills (I get for free) and only eat when the pressure is on. I know one day I will have to straighten up and get myself together, but for now I like my life just the way it is. If only people would leave me alone and let me do what I want. Thanks for letting me voice myself. I hope each person that looks at this sight gets helps! Yes, at the beginning of this I said the pills made my life hell, and that is what I meant. I have kidney problems, bladder problems, headaches (from taking too many) and my heart races all the time. I can't take the pills everyday, although I would if I could. My life without diet pills!!--I wouldn't know what to do. It is hard being 35 and anorexic. All the support groups are for young girls, not old ladies. That is why I have written here today--to let older women know that they are not alone.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/07/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Min
I have been anorexic for a very long time (at least 30) years and am now 65. I recently got diagnosed with kidney failure and must gain weight in order to have a kidney transplant.....this sounds so easy, but as we all know, it is VERY HARD to do. Joined The Renfrew Center a few months ago and see a therapist and dietitian.....had my first Big Mac from McDonald?s Sunday.....can hardly believe I did that.....would love to hear from others.....
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/07/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Josie
Ex-ballet dancer, ana/bulimic--weigh, EXERCISE!, eat, puke, starve, hurt, guilt, eat, fat, scale, anger--10 years of this sh__. Psychotherapist, nutritionist, hypnosis, trainers, teachers, mentors, groups--to no avail. Drugs, desperation, destructive relationships, apathy, starvation and so on and so on. Ten years! Got a cat. She was a rescue, but she rescued me as well. She depended on me, she needed me, she loved me unconditionally. I could live for her as well as my ED. My cat gave me a peek at life beyond my ED. In recovery since 1998. Like alcoholism, I believe a person with an ED is never cured, but can maintain a state of "in recovery". The hardest lesson is to love yourself and tell the world to love you or f___ off (pardon the language, but I feel very strongly about this). The most helpful advice I can offer is to learn to love yourself and don't give a sh__ what others think. Live your life for you. I am not infallible, I slip and fall and starve and exercise. But..... I have not thrown up since 1995, and that is a small miracle which I have achieved with the help of my loving and beautiful cat. Get a pet if you can. When you feel anxious, pet them, love them and let them love you. Sometimes people are too harsh, but a pet will love you unconditionally and help you find love within your self (but PLEASE do not starve the pet!). My cat saved my life. Perhaps a pet can save yours too. Go to the local shelter--they need rescue, and so do we sometimes. Stay strong :)
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/04/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Laura
After reading all the distressing stories, I decided that I should contribute. My eating disorder started a year ago, but I guess it had its origins since I was younger. I have no idea why I have an eating disorder and I don't want to tell all the disgusting details because I don't think that's important. I was in the Renfrew Center in December over Christmas break, so if anyone is reading this that was there, I would love to hear how you are doing. I have been receiving treatment for nine months, but I have not progressed much. I'm having a hard time just sitting here typing this because I want to be up and exercising. It's incredible that there are web sites like this. It really makes me feel like we're all together trying to get better. Please email me. I know that the support will ease the struggle. Thanks.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/01/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Scott
I'm not sure if I am anorexic or not, but I've been told a few times I'm too thin. Looking at this board, I feel even more isolated since I am male--all I see is female posts..... But here is my story. I'm 5'10" and I weigh around 125 pounds. I don't have a super accurate scale, it's an old dial one, but my weight is almost always in that range (once as high as 132 and once as low as 120). I have not eaten at all today and it's 5:25 p.m. and I'm only slightly hungry, but I've had a few things to drink (non alcoholic). Last time I ate was probably 9:00 last night. I'll get something to eat after writing this. But basically I am wondering, am I anorexic? I don't feel bad or sick, in fact I hardly ever get sick, maybe once a year. I like being thin since I've always been this way and I'm comfortable with myself and don't like change much when things are good. I don't watch what I eat too much, but I try to eat healthy and I drink a lot of water, and I never drink carbonated beverages, and I rarely drink alcohol (not beer, only hard liquor when I do). Being a thin male is slightly different than being a thin female..... Well, maybe very different. I'm not really strong, but all over my body I can see the muscle tone when I flex and there is very little fat on me anywhere. I have a girlfriend, and she has more fat on her body than I do, and I think that is a good thing. She has a nice soft smooth feel to her, and biologically women are supposed to have more of a light layer of fat on them than men do. She is not "heavy," but she's not as thin as I am either, and I love her and think she's very attractive. She is about 5'3" and 115-120 lbs. She likes me the way I am. She is not, nor was ever, anorexic. I might not be either since I don't avoid eating, sometimes I am just doing other things and it's not a big priority since my body doesn't tell me "I'm HUNGRY" that often. Well, that's my story. Guess I'm okay, probably, but if anyone can provide me with a definition of anorexia, I would appreciate it since I want to avoid becoming one if I'm not already.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/01/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Marie
I started anorexia when I was 21, which might seem old to some people. I was anorexic for two years, then I switched to anorexia and bulimia for the next 15 years. Because I was over 18, I haven't been able to receive treatment for years. Only children?s hospitals were taking care of that problem. My weight was around 70 and 90 lbs. for years until they opened a pavilion in a local hospital for the treatment of anorexia for adults. The first time I couldn't stay.....until I spent two days in a coma due to lack of food and abuse of laxatives. I started treatment and suddenly I became pregnant. I didn't have any cycle and I was quite small, abusing laxatives, up to 150 a day. As soon as I discovered that I was pregnant, everything stopped: I started eating good, I stopped the purging and I delivered a beautiful little boy. But after the birth, things became ugly again, and eventually they had to hospitalize me, which I think was a good thing. It was very hard and very long. When I came out, I had the 110 lbs. that they were asking for, and seven months later I became pregnant with my daughter. This time, too, the food was not so bad, except at the end. I decided to breastfeed, so it would give me a reason to go on with the good eating, but I know that it is coming to an end and I already am starting to feel this dark cloud over my head. I hope I will be strong enough not to go back. Maybe I should go back to the clinic before things start to collapse.....I am a bit lost.....I wish I was able to say that motherhood took me away from all this.....It didn't.....but I think it gave me the desire to fight back.....Thank you!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/01/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Heidi
I'm not sure where it all started. I just remember always being on extreme diets with my mom and sister from very young ages. Whenever a new fad diet would come out, we would run to the store to try it. I was never overweight as a child, so I'm not sure why I was allowed to do these diets. My mom has always been overweight, and I've vowed never to be like her. I am a mom of four beautiful kids--ages 7, 9, 12 and 15.
My husband is supportive at times, only when I'm doing good. My anorexia/bulimia went full blown a year ago. My life seemed so out of control in every way. Our finances were tragic, my husband was thinking of leaving his job, my husband also has a critical spirit that made me feel bad, and we were moving. I was very sneaky to begin with--not eating. It felt good to finally control something completely. My husband had not noticed that I lost 20 lbs. I have a small frame, so he should have noticed. I was 120 lbs. and I dropped to 97 lbs. I'm 5'3". My family (mom and sisters) were freaking out and made me get help. My husband agreed, even though I felt that he was embarrassed by it all. I have been in counseling for about six months. She's also my doctor. I've been hospitalized twice for a very low heart rate. I haven't seen my doctor for over a month now. I'm tired of seeing her and having her be disappointed with me. I have gained some weight, I think--my doctor made me throw my scales away. But that's probably because I tend to have a couple of glasses of wine at night and then I can eat better. I've recently stopped drinking and now I feel more in control again. I'm worried about my husband?s reaction to my sliding again. He's not very supportive when I'm in trouble--he really makes it worse. I'm also worried about my oldest daughter,15. She watches everything I do and is the only child that knows what I'm going through. I know that these things are passed down to the next generation, like it was for me. I try to make sure that she eats good and have very good communication with her.
I guess that's my story. It's strange how this condition can be your worst nightmare and your best friend at the same time. I know that I need to change, but it's so familiar to me that I don't know if I could live without it. Maybe I won't even live with it. If there is anyone around my age with kids who would like to talk and share with me, I'd love to talk with you. It's so lonely sometimes. It would be great to get support from someone and to give support to someone, too.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 08/01/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Megan
I have been anorexic for about a year now. I had displayed tendencies all throughout high school and early into college, but never really had serious problems with it until two months before my 22nd birthday. I guess that a lot of things went wrong in my life, and I tried to control them with my eating habits. I have been in therapy since January 2001, and as of last week my therapist (who is the only one I'm willing to see any more because I don't really like my nutritionist or my psychologist) thinks I'm cured. At the same time that I'm glad everyone is leaving me alone (because I didn't enjoy being subjected to constant blood tests, weigh-ins and trips to the hospital), I know that no one really realized that the only reason I've gained weight and have been able to maintain it is because I've been drinking almost every night for the last three months, which is exactly the time I began to gain weight back. It's the only way I can handle it, and if I quit, I KNOW I'd lose weight again because I'm exercising more and not really eating that much more. I don't like myself right now and I don't want to trade one problem for another, but it seems that's what I've done. I want help, but I'm even too embarrassed to ask my therapist who I trust for help. I hide this from everyone I can. I want to be skinny, but I want to be attractive, too, and it seems that since I've gained my weight back I've also regained the ability to receive compliments and before all anyone asked was if I was sick. I don't like my body, but others seem to. I want to be able to accept myself. I just think it'd be nice to know that others out there are feeling the same way I am. I've never been through group therapy and I feel like I really want to talk to someone who understands.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/30/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Kristina
Hello to all of the anorexics who are all going through the same thing. I am just 15 and I am going to be a Sophomore in high school this September. I feel awful and fat. I weigh 107 lbs. (as of today) and although I am not clinically diagnosed, I have the logic and eating habits of an anorexic. I restrict my calorie intake, skip meals, and I have binged and purged all of three times, once coughing up blood. I refused to keep food in me, to be stored and make me fat. I refuse. I started to diet last October, after cross country season ended, when I weighed 120 lbs. I was shocked when I saw the scale. I then got down to 100, when people told me I didn't look good and asked if I was all right. I got thinner in the face, my arms looked thinner, and my collar bones were becoming distinct. If you asked me, I was doing just fine. But I had, and still don't have self-control or will power, so I went ahead and started eating somewhat normally, gaining back 10 lbs. Now I am starting this cycle over again. The thoughts and feelings are back, and I want to lose weight fast. It?s the summer, and my gut is too big for my body. I exercise every now and then and I restrict food. I thought of getting help, to ease these thoughts and feelings, and not be afraid of food. But my worst fear is to let my parents know and cause a burden or unhappiness. This is my problem, not theirs, and I need to deal with it. That is where you guys come in. I need support, encouragement, and a friend who understands. If you can help me on that, please email me or get in contact with me online. Thank you, and to all of those anorexics who have it worse than me, never give up hope!!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/27/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Rhonda
I remember most when I was young how my mother never ate anything. I think that is where it all began. As a family of females with no father present, we could as a group go for days without eating anything. Naturally my mother did not approve of us doing this, but it was her insistence that I eat when I didn't want to, that made me not eat at all when she was not around to oversee it. I wanted to be just like my mother, so the words "I'm not hungry" just escaped my mouth as naturally as I love you. My grandmother was very upset by our eating habits, but what I eventually learned was that if you went a day or two without eating, you really did go for a long time without being hungry! This was the worst realization for me, because it gave me willpower to go for days, almost a week at times, without eating a thing.
I am a 26-year-old mother of two beautiful children. I'm 5'0", right now I weigh about 98 lbs., which is good. During my pregnancy I did not starve myself much, but at times I did see the tendencies and worried greatly about the child that I carried. I found that if I drank a lot of juice or water, again I did not get hungry. This worried me greatly, but I could not seem to control it. Even now I can go for days without eating. Thankfully I am in a relationship where my partner has a great love of food, and the opposite is true as far as starvation goes. The more you eat, the sooner you get hungry. But that makes me worry, too, because I don't want to get fat and I know I am probably not healthy, but I feel okay most of the time, so.....I just don't eat unless I am starving. Literally. My partner has yet to realize my problem, and I cannot bring myself to tell her, but I know she is a very smart woman and will soon realize what is going on. She probably thinks that most of it is depression, but I believe it is worse than that. We want to have a baby, and already I feel the fear that I will get fat, as this will be my third child and I have slowly lost my figure already. I am very petite, but my "curves" have slowly faded away to nonexistent. After another child, I will be a short, huge-hipped woman with three children.
History of a divorce made this illness come back again. Depression at the thought of the loss of my children leaves me in bed for days without the desire to breath, much less eat, and I fear things are about to get worse.
I am hoping that with finding this support group, I will find some outlet to the trauma I feel and will be able to put aside this illness and the shame that goes with it, so I can be open enough to share this with my partner. This is the only thing I have not shared in depth with her and I don't like having secrets from her.
Thanks for being here just to hear me out.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/27/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Brandy
I really got into starving myself about 2 1/2 years ago. I thought I would love to just lose 10 pounds. I was 105 lbs. and 5'4". I started constricting my food, and before I knew it, everyone was asking me if I had lost weight. I kept telling them no, because to me, I still looked fat. I eventually got down to a deadly 71 lbs. I was getting dizzy every time I stood up, crying for no reason all of the time, and totally losing my mind. My parents finally took a stand and called a clinic. I had to go there five days a week for seven hours a day and eat three huge meals to get me back to a stable weight. I thought I was going to explode! Eventually I got up to 98 lbs. and I actually felt great and had confidence that people weren't staring at me because of my bones protruding. Then, it went down hill again. I reduced my calories from 3,000 to about 2,500 and then to 2,000. I felt like all I was doing was eating the day away with 3,000 calories. I had no life even after I gained weight. I have no problem eating the 2,000 calories--I just wish I could get the feeling of guilt out of my head when I go over. I am currently 85 lbs. I feel all right, but could be better. I just want to be normal!!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/21/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Crystal
I guess you can say I am really nervous about writing this. My illness, as most people classify it as, started about nine months ago. I was into a lot of drugs throughout my senior year in high school and also a lot of partying. At this point, on my 18th birthday, I moved out of my house so that I could party, stay out late and avoid seeing my parents. On the weekends I did drugs. About the time I moved out of my house, I weighed 115. I met this really great guy, who I started to date.....I dropped out of school so I could work full time and see him also. I never really thought I had a weight problem. I would normally never eat breakfast, only when I was in high school, lunch consisted of a snack and dinner was a normal meal, usually fast food because I never wanted to go to the store. I guess it all started when one night me and my boyfriend decided to take some drugs that made us express our feelings. This was the first time I had done this drug in almost a year (as of now I have been clean for almost another year--yeah!!! =-) . Anyways, that night he told me that he didn't think I was all that attractive when we first started going out.....to me, that made me think I was fat and ugly, so I started dieting, thinking, you know, a couple pounds off and I?ll be good as new. A few months later we moved in together, and that's when all the sh** hit the fan. At this point I was totally constricting my food to a salad a day with a coffee from Starbucks at lunch to get me energized. At this point I had dropped about 15 pounds, weighing 99. Boy was I proud at this point--it became a game.....I would take diet pills and exercise and clean the house everyday when I came home and ate my salad. As my boyfriend noticed, each day I would eat less and less of the salad until I got to the point of two bites and I was full. People were now starting to notice, saying that I was starting to get too thin. To me, this was a compliment and meant I had to strive to lose more weight. Commonly enough, I never got hospitalized, but I did lose my job because of my fading memory. In February of ?00 I went to Cancun with my boyfriend. At this point I was stressed to look the thinnest I had been--a shocking 82 pounds.....I wouldn't eat for three days at a time, only drinking espresso to keep me going and maybe have a family dinner with my parents on Sunday. By the time I went to Cancun, my boyfriend was disgusted, telling me how gross I looked and how he was embarrassed to walk around by me. So I made an attempt to eat while I was there. I was there to have fun, and no one I knew was there to see me turn into a blimp. By the time we came home, I had gained four pounds in a week. I felt awful, so I went on my fasting again. This time my boyfriend had enough and said he couldn't watch me do this to myself anymore because he loved me too much. So I decided I would move in with my best friend. It would be good for me (so I thought ). We could cook dinners together, chat and so forth. Little did I know--that lasted a whole week and I was back to my normal--this time my ALL TIME WORST. As of today I weigh 74. I am trying to start my recovery process because I am tired of always waking up exercising three times a day, taking 11 diet pills and only eating mushrooms and carrots with mustard because I know they have the lowest calories possible. My friends are extremely scared for me--they don't want me to die. Today, though, I actually ate--I had a lot of chocolate (an anorexic?s worst fear) and a tuna sandwich with a diet coke. Hell yea, I feel guilty as hell, but I have to think of my self and stop letting this demon inside me control me. I try to have a positive outlook on life. I want to be loved again for me, not for my body, but the inner person. I say if you don't like the way I look, don't look at me--that's my philosophy for when I start to gain weight. As of now, it has finally sunk in--I look sick, unhealthy, my teeth are starting to break, I'm nicknamed "Twiggy" and ?Skeleton,? my bones stick out tremendously bad, I have to sit on cushions when I sit on chairs because it hurts, I'm often freezing (even in 80 degree weather), I get really dizzy, and for the first time blacked out while driving, which scared the crap outta me. I'm tired of feeling like this and decided today I am kicking this demon to the curb. If anyone would like to help me or give me support, it would really help me out a lot. I'm a people person and love to chat to anyone who enjoys the same!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/19/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Krista
I'm really scared and hesitant to post.....I just want someone to talk to about recovering. I have been a healthy weight since my last hospital release and I want to stay healthy. If you are in recovery, I'd love to talk to you. Thanks.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/19/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sarah
I've been reading the stories posted here and have sat musing for awhile about eating disorders and why they affect people like us. I've met many people in the past who've said "Anorexics are stupid to abuse themselves.? It's infuriating. It's clear to me that people who take control of their lives via an eating disorder are of a higher level of intelligence than the vast majority of the population. The stories posted here reiterate this - here are a group of highly literate, articulate men and women who have better control and self-awareness than thousands of others. We have the power to shape our lives (and bodies).
I don't class myself as someone who suffers from an eating disorder. It sounds silly, because I'll defend not eating until I die, but what I have is not an illness. A perversity, perhaps, a quirk, but not an illness. I don't need to be cured.
I'm an 18-year-old student who has always craved the sort of body you see in magazines. The notorious argument over whether the media aggravates and influences anorexia is pointless - of course it does. By holding up physical role models and "perfect" figures/faces to the rest of the world, there are bound to be repercussions - people like us who buy into the image.
Objectively, standing apart from myself, I can see the idiocy of it all - why am I denying myself lovely food to look unhealthy? But then, step closer again, and food loses its appeal in the face of compliments, the ability to wear great clothes, the attention.
I'm not a shallow or unintelligent girl. I'm pretty, with good skin, long arms and legs, 5'10", and good at most things. I'm going to an Ivy League university in the autumn. Why, if I can strive for perfection in other ways, shouldn't I with my body?! My friends criticize my eating habits, but praise my figure. If that isn't hypocrisy, what on earth is?!
Perhaps one day I'll look back on all this and think "what a waste,? but for now I'm content to see the needle on the scales fall each day, to record lists of what I eat, to run for hours, to see the admiring looks from guys, and bitchy, jealous stares from other, fatter, girls. I'm big-boned, and weighed 11 stone about a year ago. I was never fat, but now I will be thin.
My aim is 9 stone. I currently weigh 10.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/18/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Breanna
I have only had my "eating disorder" for like a week. The reason I started was so that I could lose weight. I don't think I have an eating disorder, but you know my friend and doctor both think so, but I don't. Anyways.....My mom is always home and always on my back about eating right and everything, but that's not my problem. I am really desperate to lose weight and will go to any measure to lose 70 lbs. in three weeks.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/16/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Shannyn
Well, as I have read many of these stories, I, like many of you, don't feel as though I fit in. I am 5'5" and 100 pounds. People have always told me that I have the perfect body and that I am so skinny. But I just don't see what they are talking about. When I look at myself naked in the mirror, I am totally disgusted. I have grown up with loving parents and great friends. But every time I receive a new "Victoria Secret" bathing suit catalog, I get up and go run a couple of miles and don't eat for a couple of days. When I read these articles of girls who want to be 70-80 pounds, I say "I will never go that thin," but this anorexia is addicting, and I can't stop. I feel alone and scared. I don't want to hurt my friends or my family. This anorexia is totally snowballing, and I really can't stop. I don't want to tell anyone about this, because I am embarrassed, and I really would appreciate any emails from other sufferers. I want to stop, maybe we can help each other.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/15/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Laura
I was diagnosed with anorexia one year ago, although I have always been preoccupied with weight. The reason the diagnosis was made was because I dropped 35 pounds in three weeks.
Anyway ..... like I said, I have always been preoccupied with weight (even though I have never been overweight in medical terms - just felt it). I guess it all started when I was about seven. My parents divorced, and I was diagnosed with quite severe health problems around the same time. I think I felt I had to be strong for everyone around me - I had to be brave - so I never really dealt with what was going on. Then when I was about 13, things got a lot worse healthwise. I had to have home tuition rather than attend school and I felt extremely isolated.
It just seemed to be one thing on top of another. I guess I thought food was the only thing I could control. So, that's what I did. At first I just skipped a few meals - said to Mum I'd eaten at friends and such like. I started to lose weight, but not drastically - so I restricted myself even more. I only ate two pieces of fruit a day. But still that wasn't enough - so I started taking slimming pills, laxatives and diuretics - the lot. Now I was living away at university - so my behavior was even easier to hide. That is when the diagnosis was made - my liver and kidney functions were poor, I fainted a lot and I couldn't sleep through lack of food. I could now go for days without food - I also restricted myself to 500 ml. of diet coke per day (and that was only to swallow the pills with).
Thankfully my doctor was very supportive and realized what was happening. All people could do was force me to put on weight, though - none of the psychological side was resolved. So, although I have put on some weight (which I am currently beginning to lose again), the reasons for this problem remain unresolved.
Therefore, I am currently feeling that there is no hope - I want all of this to end, but I don't really want to die. I want help, but there is nowhere to go. I don't see myself as thin, but I recognize that to feel like this and have such an attitude around food, there must be a problem.
If anyone can help or share their experiences, I would be extremely grateful.
Thank you for listening.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/15/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Amy
Hey, I?m anorexic and bulimic. Well, I don't think I have either one really, but a doc says I have them. So, well, this is what has been going on. Last year, my freshman year, I went on a diet--only eating a fruit snack a day. I lost 22 pounds. I had gotten down to 73 pounds. Track was coming up, and I wanted to be in that, but at that time my doc told me I was too thin and would not even let me participate in gym class. I hated not being in gym. Everyone was asking ?why aren't you in gym??, and I had to be like ?I don't weigh enough,? even though I thought I was the fattest person in the world. My doc told me if I kept losing weight, I would be dead in a few weeks. So I decided to gain, because I did not want to die, and I wanted to be in track so badly. I gained enough to get back in gym and to be in track. At the end of the year I weighed 100 pounds. In the summer I would not eat for a week, lose 12 pounds in a week, but then eat the next week, and gain it back. I stole diet pills from my sis and took like a whole container full in one day, hoping to lose weight. I lost some, but not much. I read a magazine and found out about this syrup that makes you throw up. I bought it and used it every once in a while, but my parents found out about it and would not let me go to the store by myself. So I had to do it the hard way--sticking my finger down my throat. But soon it became easy, and for awhile it just came up by itself. I was now throwing up about 10 times a day. School had started by then, and I would leave each class to go puke. The teachers found out about it and made my parents put me in the hospital. I spent three weeks in the hospital. When I left, I weighed three pounds less than when admitted. I was happy I had gotten the flow in the hospital. I don't know how much I weigh now. The last I
weighed I was like 97 pounds. That is huge to me. Tomorrow I'm not planning
on eating. I have it planned to get through the day without eating. I want to get down to 73 pounds again or less. I hate being fat. I can?t stand it. Because of my fat, I did badly in school this year. I was so upset about it, that I barely went to school, so my grades were bad. I want to do good next year. So this summer I want to get down into the 80's before school starts. I'm huge and unhappy. If I lose weight, I will be little and happy. I really don't think I have an eating disorder - I think I'm too huge to have one. You probably think so, too.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/14/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Krystal
I had anorexia for six months, three years ago. I wouldn't eat anything and I lost about 60 pounds.
Every since then I have put on weight and I would like to lose more. I feel fat and bloated. I would like to lose 20 pounds, as I have put back on some of my weight.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/09/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Sarah
Well, guys, I don't know if I ever had a full-blown eating disorder, but I definitely had something. I am a person who has always been pretty active, with good grades and a supportive family.....but whatever, no matter what, those skinny people on T.V. make you want to be them, even when you are a little kid and probably shouldn't know any better. I had nice, big boobs and big butt and my period by high school and was pretty confident with myself, even though I was always conscious of being chunkier than the little skinny, undeveloped stick-girls in my middle school class. I was not fat and always a good athlete and dancer, BUT I definitely always weighed a lot and never had those little ankles or tiny hips.
In high school I got into sports, and with practices every day after school, I had to control what I ate to avoid feeling nausea and stuff while running, swimming, etc. I got into really good sports shape right away, just from the routine..... but by the end of freshman year, I had begun controlling my food to excess...... I began by just saying to myself that avoiding junk food during the week would help my athletic performance, but soon I began to avoid fat grams, count calories, etc, each week more and more. On weekends I often binged, but only promising myself how careful I would be during the week and living up to that promise. By the summer I had lost a lot of weight..... I was never deathly ill, but I was pretty damn thin. Everyone knew and told me, but there were a lot of people who told me I looked good, too. I would exercise every day no matter what, but because I never actually stopped eating three meals a day, I never would admit to myself that I was being super-controlling with calories and stuff, and that the meals I was eating weren't really meals at all.....
That summer I happened to go on a leadership program-summer camp, which had nothing to do with eating disorders, but the point was learning how to build relationships, work in groups, and gain self confidence and stuff. It actually had nothing to do with eating disorders, but the friends I made were great, because I learned to think positively about myself without feeling like an outsider with an eating disorder. I don't think eating disorders have that much to do with self confidence actually. There are a lot of people without self confidence and without eating disorders. I feel like it has a lot more to do with boredom, loneliness and a cycle routine you fall into and become addicted to because, well, there is nothing else going on in the boring suburbs.....you might as well exercise and count calories because you don't have a boyfriend and the television is so f___ing boring.
Sophomore year in high school was hard, everyone being all fake and social climbing and stuff. I just worked on grades, sports, activities and keeping my weight. That's it. I stayed in touch with my friends I was friends with, but never was willing to submit myself to those idiot boys in my high school. I strove for perfection because there was nothing else to do.
Pretty much the same junior and senior year, except good work and participation in fun school activities paid off, even if I was smart enough to know that they were kinda dorky. Having goals outside of my weight that I really wanted to work for helped me prioritize them over the weight issue, and so--if I didn't exercise as much as I "should" have, I rationalized it by saying to myself that the other goal was more important.....AND THE OTHER GOAL WAS MORE IMPORTANT.
I got stronger, gained a little more weight, and I knew I had to eat to stay strong at sports and stuff, but I was still pretty self controlling.
When I got to college is where I had to come to terms with myself and my body--the dorm food was irresistible, and all the hours studying or just lounging around the dorm with people......I gained enough weight to bring my period back and take me back to the body I had at 14 years old. It was really frustrating, because there are so many apparently thin people in college--but there are a lot who looked just like me, too. It?s hard because I have a big butt and bigger boobs that never fit anything, but I had to accept that that is what makes me different from those little girls and tall girls and medium girls and every other type of person. I remembered how great it is to have a sex drive (even though it is really frustrating) and how fun it is when a guy can grab your boobs and little fat rolls around your waist because they are THERE!! Sometimes I hate all that fat, too, and still envy those thin people who can slide into their clothes, but you know what, you just have to look for the clothes that look good on YOUR body and that YOU like, not what those idiot models with no personalities look like!! Their career pays them to be nothing but what they look like!! It?s so much better to know that you are smart, educated, talented.....don't waste your life working on your body when you can work on so many other things!! The most famous female artists.....Georgia OŽKeefe, Mary Cassat.....I don't even know what they looked like, and they are remembered for their work, not their looks. What you contribute to society will be remembered more than how small you can become, because after awhile, people will give up as you disappear. That's not worth it and that's not right. You gotta get up and get going and do the best you can to make the most out of this lifetime because you are special, this life is your gift, today is your day and you can make it wonderful. Sometimes it?s really hard, sometimes it?s a lot of work, sometimes everyone else around you is an asshole, but that's life, that's it. Happiness is accomplishment, not disappearance. Take advantage of your strength because you are young and every day is only gonna get better...... I am so much happier and stronger knowing I can bounce around the streets because I have muscles and fat around my knees, than wondering if I will fall down and shatter. I feel like a woman---all the good and bad that goes with it!! It sucks to get period cramps and stuff, but it?s so fun when you can walk around knowing that you are nice and round, energetic and smiley and juicy. There are so many people who lose their life or their womanhood involuntarily, and they deserve YOU to live it up, to the best of your ability, in their names. They couldn't, you STILL CAN!!! GOGOGOGOGO!! And you can start small, just one thing at a time--a smile, a painting, a phone call, an apple, a cookie, a walk around the block, a book, a volunteer project, a piano piece, a night babysitting. Just a little at a time. Work your way back, the world is waiting for you!!
That's all for now. This is really long. Good luck, guys, I know you can do it.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/04/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Amanda
I really don't know if I am classified as an anorectic or not. I go through phases, usually when I'm stressed out--which is a lot--when I starve myself. I'm 5'7" and right now I weigh 101 pounds. My ideal weight is 95 pounds. My family, friends, and fiance all say that I'm way too thin. But to me, my butt is way too fat, and the only things that makes me happy these days is stepping on the scale and seeing I've lost more weight. I take a lot of diet pills and lie to my fiance about whether or not I've been eating. I admit, I like the attention that being thin gets me. But it isn't just that. I have to lose weight to make myself happy and feel in control of my life. I would appreciate any feedback anyone could give me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 07/02/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Dee
At the beginning of this school year, I decided that I was too fat and needed to lose weight. I went on a "diet" and soon I began to purposely limit my food intake. I aimed for under 1,000 calories a day and an hour of exercise every single day. Soon I stopped eating lunch and limited myself to under 700 calories a day. My friends noticed that I never ate around them, so they one day went to the counselor. At that time, I was 5'7" and weighed 104 pounds. This was still too much for me, and I wanted to lose more. My friends made a list of all the characteristics of anorexia I had--dark circles under my eyes, weak, hunched over posture, loss of hair, bones sticking out of my back and shoulders, no menstrual cycle and so on. After that, my parents put me into therapy. When I kept losing weight, they told me that either I had to weigh 115 by June 11, or I could not go on my class trip to France. I hated that, by going to France was the only thing that I had lived for since March. My parents got divorced, and I became severely depressed. I wanted to die, but I had a passion for France and wanted to go there so badly, so I did it. I began eating like crazy, and I made my deadline by a half a pound. While I was in France, I had my period for the first time since January, and I went crazy. I cried and cried and starved myself while I was there so that it would go away because I could not stand to think that I was becoming a normal eater again and my body was functioning properly. When I got home, I began eating like crazy again, and in four days gained three pounds. Now I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is completely out of my hands and I cannot control what I put into my mouth. I fear that I'm becoming a binge eater and may not be able to stop myself, which would result in serious weight gain. Today I took some diet pills that I found in my mom?s room. I have an appointment with the dietitian today, which means I have to get weighed, and I'm pissed off. I don't want others to see that I've gained weight. I'm so depressed and stuck in a hole that I don't think I can ever get out of. If you want to talk, please email me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/27/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Lydia
A short story about a 21-year old problem seems impossible to put down on paper.
At this time in my life it is not a visible problem, but it pops up when I am not very satisfied with my life.
This imbalance is about self-esteem. If I may say, it is a love disease. An insatiable need to be loved.
I have met, finally, someone who loves me unconditionally. I love myself unconditionally, so why do people put their conditions in order for them to love me? My mother has set a full list when I was a teenager of prerequisites to be loved, by her, my friends, my teachers, men and society in general. I believe that she did not do this with bad intentions, because I know she loves me very much. So, I have been going in life trying to find love and doing whatever it takes and forgetting my integrity. I have finally found a man, a friend, a mate, who is far from my ideal, but I love him more and more every day and I am falling in love with myself more and more everyday. I now need to find something to do since I do not need to be anorectic anymore, which takes a lot of time in one?s day. I am taking my own sweet time and creating a person that comes naturally to me who enjoys what she does and who does what she wants in a serene state of mind. This is a difficult part because I have been doing most of my activities with an anorectic mind. Now, I have to unprogram myself and do stuff as me, Lydia.
Of course, there are many events that can fill a 500-page book. It just seems a waste of time in an introduction to look back at the negative sides. I can answer any questions that might be crossing your mind about my 21-year life as an anorectic. Just roll them on.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/23/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Demetria
I was a little nervous at first about writing this, but I decided to give it a shot, so here it goes.
Every since the sixth grade I have always compared my body to other girls? bodies. If I saw a girl that I thought looked skinnier or prettier than me, I'd always put myself down and say something like, "I wish I could look like that." But what I have always been concerned about the most, especially in this past year, was my weight. This time last year I was about 5'3" and weighing 96 pounds (this was even before I began starving myself). People would say things like, "You're so thin!" or "I wish I had a body like that!". I have to admit, I liked the attention, but deep down I never felt like I was "thin enough." I decided to lose a little weight, maybe just five pounds. I began to watch very closely everything I ate. Soon enough this became an obsession. The first thing I thought of when I woke up was food, and the last thing I thought of before going to sleep at night. Constantly! It became my life. A typical day consisted of only one meal, no more than 600 calories. I often felt weak and tired, and almost fainted a few times. One day my mom brought home this chocolate cake and all these donuts and stuff for my sister's birthday, and I just lost it. I ate until I felt like throwing up and I HATED myself for it! I vowed never to let that happen again.
By now I was 84 pounds. I started school a week later, and everyone noticed I had lost weight. But this time the comments weren't so great. People would say, "You're too thin! You need to put some weight on you." or "You look sick." And I was sick, but I just couldn't admit it. I didn't care how sick anyone thought I was, as long as I could control what I ate. I felt special. I loved the control and power it gave me. My mother wanted to take me to a doctor, because as any parent would be, she was very concerned about my health. She said I was anorexic, but I was in denial and refused to see a doctor at first. But I'd see her cry, and it hurt me so much to see her so upset, so I agreed to see a doctor. I was scared, really scared. The doctor said if I lost any more weight, they'd have to put me in a hospital because my kidneys could shut down, or something like that. He recommended a place for me to talk to therapists and nutritionists. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! As far as I knew, I didn't have a problem. I just thought I was one who preferred not to eat. Although my parents would have preferred that I get in-patient treatment, we came to a compromise, and I started out-patient therapy in October. Once a week I saw a nutritionist and a therapist, and believe me, I was NOT happy being there!
I began to gain weight. It was so scary at first, but I didn't want to die. However, gaining weight was, and still is, my worst fear. I tried to eat "normally," but I was getting myself into an even bigger problem: I began binge eating. I would eat and eat until I was sick, and I felt so guilty. I'd look in the mirror and see ugly fat, even though everyone else said I looked great and I was doing better. When people started noticing I was gaining weight, I felt fat and disgusting. I was repulsed by the sight of my own body, even though I weighed about 105, which was still considered underweight for my height.
I had to make it stop. I lied to my parents about what I ate, and four months ago, convinced them I no longer needed treatment. I got up to 120 pounds, then back down to 100, constantly dieting. It's weird but I have this thing, and it's like I can't let my weight go beyond two digits. My ideal weight is 95. I'm about 112 right now and I HATE this. I'm at my all time low here. I feel so guilty about gaining all that weight. I wanna lose weight so badly and now I can't. I feel like I will never be happy until I reach my ideal weight. Nothing else matters to me right now. The food thing has become my life. It's like taking me over, and I feel so alone! I eat nothing for like two days and then totally binge, and I feel like such crap afterwards. I'm scared about gaining more weight, but I just can't seem to break this cycle of horrible eating. If there's anyone out there who is going through the same thing, or would just like to talk to me about this, please help! I would really REALLY appreciate someone to talk to who knows what this is like. Thank you for reading this, and best wishes to anyone else going through an eating disorder!
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/19/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Michelle
I'm going to make my story kind of short. Ok, when I was five, I was molested and I never told anyone till I was 13. So, my whole life my self esteem has been really low. I've always thought that I could stand to lose weight, even though I was pretty much already under weight. I hated being me. I fell into drugs and alcohol big time at the age of 14-16. A month before my 17th birthday (August 2000) I decided I would start throwing up my food to lose weight. It worked! But it got addictive. I never once thought I'd be this way now. I did it more and more as the meat on my bones diminished. Eventually people caught on to my antics, and I was "forced" to starve myself--about two months after I had started. I had lost a lot of weight, and my parents continued to threaten me by saying I'd end up in the hospital. Though I never made it there, I probably should have. My parents didn't know how to handle it. I even wanted to go to USC for treatment, and it would only cost them $20 a day, but they didn't think it was serious enough. I have so much emotional pain right now. I feel all alone, and every day seems to be a bad day no matter what. Right now I don't know what I'm looking for on these web sites. Hell, I don't know what I'm looking for at all in life. I feel stranded and trapped--like there's no way out--and I'm in it for life now. I honestly believe I am, and that there's no hope for me.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/15/01
YOUR FIRST NAME: Jane
So here's my story.
Ok, I have never really admitted that I have or think I have an eating disorder, and I'm not sure if you all will think I do. I'm not even completely sure yet, but I'm getting kind of scared. I don't want help for this. I want to keep starving myself because when I feel hunger pains, I feel thin and very good about myself. When I can wear pants a size smaller, then I feel good about myself. So anyway, here's my story, sorry if it is long.
Sometime in the past year and a half I have been noticing places on my body that looked fat. When this started, I was 14, 5'2" and 99 lbs. (without the weight of clothes). So, I started eating healthier to lose a couple of pounds. I wanted to be skinny like the models on T.V, but I mostly compared myself to Christina Aguleira (who is very thin and beautiful) and I wanted to be that skinny. When the healthy diet didn't work, I started limiting my food. I would eat two meals a day. Well, this seemed to help a little, but didn't satisfy me. So, I started purging and did that for a few months, until I got caught. Now I feel really guilty about purging, but not as guilty as I feel about eating. At the beginning of this school year I started eating less and less, and only a very little at a time. So, then I started making sure there was at least 24 hours between my "meals." I still do this now, but sometimes I wait 48 hours. I lost the weight I wanted, but am still not satisfied. I am 5'3? and about 88 lbs. (without the weight of clothes). I used to think of this number as a very small number--almost too small--but now I feel like I should lose another 5 or 10 lbs. I always compare myself to other girls. If she's my height or taller, and skinnier than me, then I have to be skinnier than her. At school I wore a jacket every day to hide my fat, and I rarely wore anything but loose fitting clothes. If I binged and ate more than usual, I didn't want my friends to see how fat I'd gotten. Once I faked sick and missed school for this reason. My friends all say I am stick thin, but I really don't think they know what they are talking about. Sometimes I feel like the world?s largest fat-ass. I really want to lose more weight so that my stomach is completely flat, or concave, and my thighs are really tiny because now they are huge. In a week I have to go visit my aunt in Florida for a month, and she always cooks and makes sure we eat. I can't be rude to her, but I cant get fat either. I don't know what to do. I have never told anyone about my problem until right now, and I really need someone to talk to about this. I hope I can find someone that I can relate to and that can relate to me. E-mail me please somebody. I really need to talk about this. I feel trapped.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/13/01
OK. Here is my story. Every since I was 14 have been overly obsessive with my weight. I used to abuse every diet pill on the market. I got a job babysitting just so I can pay for these pills. My friends always warned me that I was going to become anorexic. I always denied it. I said there is no way that would ever happen to me. For the next couple of years I went on every diet in the market. In the summer of my senior year I started having anorexic thoughts. I started restricting foods and drinking huge amounts of water. I have always had low self-esteem. My parents are very controlling. I could not control a lot of things, but food I could. For the next year it was hell for my best friends. They did not want to see me die, and I was still saying that I eat a lot. Finally I graduated and I went away to school. I thought that when I went away my problems would stay home. To my surprise they did not. They just got worse. At college I discovered the binging and purging. I thought this was the answer to my prayers, until I started throwing up blood. My friends had no clue what was going on, so they wanted to take me to the hospital. I put a stop to that. I never eat now that I am home for the summer. At school I went to a counselor, but it did not work. Anyway, I am losing more weight again. My friends home are becoming concerned. I cannot eat at all, even when I try. I get so sick. Four saltines fill me up for the whole day. I know that is sick and I know I need help, but I do not want to live anymore, but I do not want to die. I thought about getting help, but I am afraid I will gain weight. If anyone understands this, please e-mail me. I am sick of feeling like I am in this alone. Thanks.
P.S. I do not know how much I weigh because I am deathly afraid of the scales. My ideal weight is 80 lbs.
DATE INFORMATION SUBMITTED TO THIS SITE: 06/12/01
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