Story 1- LINK TO FULL TEXT
OWINGS MILLS, MD--The insecurities of Wal-Mart shopper Anita Dolger, 40, were laid painfully bare Monday, when her deepest fears and self-doubts manifested themselves in her purchasing choices.

Story 2- LINK TO FULL TEXT
SNELLVILLE, GA--After years of back-breaking ticket-buying, Teddy LeBarge's hard work finally paid off Monday, when the 36-year-old Snellville man won $193 million in the multi-state Mega Millions lottery, making him an inspiration to lottery players everywhere.

Story 3- LINK TO FULL TEXT
FLAGSTAFF, AZ--Wayne Gorlin, 41, a sales associate for Air-izona Air Filtration Systems, has written a kick-ass sales proposal for the company's new line of Breathex air purifiers, sources reported Tuesday.

More news...

Here Are Reviews Of Some New Shit
By Jim Anchower

Ask The Back Of A Gourmet Potato Chip Bag

More opinion...

Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month
WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Shape, the women's fitness magazine, has officially declared July "Let Yourself Go" Month. "You've toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season... Now it's time for a meatball sandwich," wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her 'From The Editor' column. "Come on, live a little. Don't be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you." Features in the issue include "Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly," "Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You've Lived," and "Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck."

Midwesterners Descend On Insurance Company's Free Nail Files
CHICAGO—At the Chicago Home Expo Monday, throngs of voracious Midwesterners descended on the State Farm Insurance booth to grab free promotional nail files. "Look—they have the State Farm logo printed right on them," said Beth Hoffman, 37, a Zion, IL, mother of four, as she clutched a handful of the complimentary items. "I'll grab a few extra for Mom. I'm sure she could use a couple, too." The horde of freebie-seeking Midwesterners then moved on to the Century 21 real-estate booth, where they plundered a basket filled with free business cards that turn to sponges when dunked in water.

Millionaire Thinks Of Self As Upper-Middle Class
GROSSE POINT WOODS, MI—Jim Blakeley, 43, a Ford Motor Company executive with personal assets totalling roughly $5.5 million, described himself as "upper-middle class" Monday. "I guess I'm pretty well-off. I make a decent upper-middle-class living, but I'm certainly not what you'd call super-rich," said Blakeley, whose annual salary of $675,000 puts him in the top one-half of 1 percent of Americans. "I know plenty of people who make way more than I do, but I get by with what I have."

Woman Masturbates To Concept Of Commitment
PORTAGE, MI—Soaking in her bathtub Tuesday, area resident Linda Marston, 32, pleasured herself over the thought of a long-term committed relationship. "Mmmm... oh, yeah, baby... I want to settle down with you forever," moaned the never-married Marston, as she gently massaged her clitoris with two fingers. "Oh, God, yes... two kids, maybe three... and a house in the country. Big swingset in the backyard." Several hours later, Marston masturbated again to the idea of loving someone unconditionally through good times and bad.

Man With Shitty Job Just Doing This Until
He Gets Fired
EULESS, TX—Sub Shack employee Rory Graser, 25, reported Monday that he plans to keep his shitty job as a sandwich prep cook "only until I get fired." "Making turkey hoagies isn't what I plan to be doing long-term," Graser said. "I'm just doing this until I've stolen enough food and treated the customers rudely enough that [Sub Shack manager] Barry [Wheaton] cans my ass." Pondering the time frame for his next career move, Graser said he hopes to get caught sweeping trash under the bread rack sometime in the next three to four months.