One fine day the story ended. Then it restarted and everyone co-operated.
There once was a man called Clarence. Every day he went too far and eventually gave in to his desire for his motherÕs hat, which was large, velvet and green, like a wallaby moonwalking across Yorkshire in shiny pants. His mother, who recently change sex, is having a nervous breakdown because she found Matthew highly attractive. She was certified insane and mentally unstable by Dr Nick.
Oddly enough, he was found to take a fancy to a small and perculiarly coloured rodent called Rumpelstiltskin. Recently, Rumpelstiltskin had an accident; he married his sister. He thought she was quentin but found out after the wedding night that ÔheÕ was in fact a purple sheep that had died twice and been resurrected to celebrate the festival of Lent. However, he hates eating anything except hard boiled soil and dodo eggs.
Returning to Clarence: he had problems. His problems involved hot bench sex0r, which eventually led to an incident involving cat food and water-treacle. This incident led to more sex0r. But this time he worked out a plan that could save him.
This plan consisted of running, screaming to Uncle George, who he killed, among shouts of pain and agony and ÒFor AfricaÓ, whilst several pigs squealed rather a lot and waved banners which read ÒUNITEÓ and were green with pink spots.
Meanwhile, in the tavern, little Clarence was having a very good time, apart from the fact that he thought Òthread = suckyÓ but was wrong in quentin's view and everyone else's.
The reason he did was because the general feeling was unbelievably uptight and horribly ÔspeshalÕ and nostalgic and annoying. This was a pity because in actual fact it was exceptionally hot and sunny. So hot that they went pink and got sunburnt badly, which hurt very much.
Then, George received money from an alien with nine eyes and 17.6 ears. This was because heÕd worked hard on his planet as an accountant for major corporations. The corporation was not doing well as he'd not done any work for a while. They fired him through a txt, but the payment he received was so miniscule he almost died, but didn't unfortunately, so he cried and cried till he actually died.
No-one was sad; they were grief-stricken, but only pretending. No-one liked him so his body remained in cryogenic stuff until he got bored and came back to life to avenge quentin.
quentin wasn't avenged. Instead he was the manÕs master.
Meanwhile, several zebras flew across Japan in a limousine. They landed in a large haystack somewhere south of South Carolina. They had a BBQ: a vegetarian one. The food was mostly awful, however completely vegetarian. They had wanted meat but the horses ran away so the zebras had to catch some flying vegetables in their ship, made of horse meat. It stank slightly of rotten eggs, which was unexpected because it was incredibly pretty. The rotten eggs were in fact rather normal and eggy.
Then George appeared and subsequently died along with Child oÕ Wonder because they ate something death-inducing like school jelly or cabbage soap.
GeorgeÕs funeral was boring, although he had VU playing during the cermony, which annoyed some as they moshed and moshed and moshed some more. They got tired and fell asleep, dreaming of moshing and other things, such as doughnuts or jam rolls which were moshing to Anthrax. This was somewhat disturbing as in fact they missed Countdown.
Instead they watched imported German pornography at GeorgeÕs house. Those who watched payed George money, which was strange he thought, so he committed suicide.
Three months later, Faggus suddenly died. Parties were held and a train killed FaggusÕ family. This was very convenient because it was rewarded by rounds of applause. Heiro died later because of some stupid tosser called God. The afterlife had jelly and icecream. Heiro crashed the party armed with a dog under-arm and a water-pistol filled with custard.
This was of course because he wanted to spray himself with much very tasty custard, which he did and became slippery like a snake covered in grease which was warm and greasy.
Meanwhile, the other people threw rocks at each other aggresively and inaccurately. Unfortunately, no-one was hurt except quentin because he tripped over and broke his fall on cushions with knives sticking through his headteacherÕs front door for some strange, inexplicably peculiar and disastrous reason he didnÕt know.
Meanwhile, Mount Edna erupted and killed people. The dead people died again and went to heaven where they died one last time.
Meanwhile, on an other distant planet called planet "Earth" the natives were all called Geoffry or Geoffria and had blue toes and green noses and disliked television very much. They set them alight, cheering long and hard whilst dancing the hokey cokey for some strange and oriental reason. These ceremonies were, according to some, heretic and sacrilegious but according to others they were very tasteful indeed. Sometimes these ceremonies were accompanied by loud bagpipe playing, accompanied by Eminem, who was break-dancing.
Sheepie copied him (the bagpipe player) and yodelled simultaneously at passers by who wore hats and those they wore pink woollen mittens which smelt of petrol. They caught fire and not colds, obviously.
The hats spoke fluent Arabic that had been derived from ancient sources including one extremely old one that started to go mouldy and smell very bad, rather like Sheepie doesn't smell. Meanwhile real Sheepie did.
Quentin's bad grammar isn't very bad. However, on some occasions Sheepie's is.
All SV members are plebs. They have no life expect for those who wear wigs, which is none. They hit George and killed Heiro and ate him; he wa tasty. They kissed George then retched unanimously and decided to crucify themselves beautifully with a sheep (not a Sheep), then ate brocolli and spelt badly for eighty days and eighty nights and eighty days and then stopped and drank tea and wet themselves; they were scared because the fridge was Hungarian made, made of polyester and coloured pink, which isn't nice.
Fridges should know pi to sixteen decimal places because I do nothing all day and that's exhausting.
"Indeed!", said Sheepie. "I do similarly" he declared enthusiastically. "I enjoy it!", (referring to crucifixion)
Without realising it he went and ended the sentence.
"Oh, what a thing to do!
Oh, what a thing!
Yeah, man!"
"Indeed" said the small man called Death tolls for thee as he lay in bed with quentin's mother.
When they got home they somehow managed to get inside the fridge to learn pi to sixteen decimal places and then to get out his pen and write great novels entitled "The Novel", "The Other Novel", "Novels are Boring", "The Novel 2" and "The Fridge". They had black pages, which made reading it difficult, as the ink started to run away from him while carrying bread .
Meanwhile, on the London Underground train the driver was drunk in charge because he liked to drink alcohol with his meals and separately too. Were it not made of ink he would have died if it had been Thursday, but it wasn't so he decided to eat pie.
Then he found that the pie had some worms in the inside of the outside of the pie. This was rather silly, he thought. He's rather be elsewhere, watching television.
Meanwhile, in France some Frenchmen were dancing like Jimmeh whilst reciting poetry to Jimmeh. They were pretty bad at entertaining Jimmeh, because Jimmeh is self-centred. However, he smiled a little just to make his mouth move.
Then Jimmeh left some mustard on the outside of a pomme de terre (French potato) grown by frogs from Mars. They also grew Potatoes. As for why no-one really knew.
Somehow they had cheese for fuel. Cheese is very calm like a man in a wetsuit, which is especially calm because it is very calm and wet. The calm helps to make people mellowe out. Dude. Like a surfer or a fish who can surf like a monkey in the sky over Maggie's farm.
"Who's Maggie?", said Sheep, as Jimmeh hummed loudly outside the sweet shop, inside which a man was drinking a pint of fish (oh yess) in beer. The fish were drunk so they didn't speak coherently or make any sense to any non-fish. That is normal, since non-fish usually aren't tasty, precious, and don't understand the difference between drunk and undrunk.
"We likes fish!", declared hungry quentin while eating one. It was tasty in Gollum's opinion, which is valid (yess, my precious). Then Gollum died.
"Wrong, my precious", said Gollum, annoyed. Then he had a heart attack and died. Then ate some chicken-flavoured rice cakes and drank Ribena Toothkind from bottles.
They used the bottletops to break open George's head, but were disappointed to find no marinated butternut oil. There were many flies' eggs, though, but no brain called Jimmeh 'black'. No brain is in George's head, so much so that George can't live.
"George is dead", said the doctor, who spontaneously combusted because she was feeding the ducks with her hat made of flowers and rotten fruit: for example tomatoes and banana skins, lettuces, cabbages, sweetcorn and dried apples. The end.
In the year 843 quentin posted on Shattered Vision Forums, which are wicked-cool (as everyone knows), though excellent quentin while he posted and posted again and told George not to post artificial limbs through the night, whilst whistling Punjabi MC was sleeping downstairs on a pineapple-flavoured chaise longue filled with grapes and old newspapers made in China in the seventies by lesbian James.
In a field on ganja plants and elm trees lay a padawan, also called James. James liked currents and also tides. He would sit on the beach smoking Cuban cigars, watching the sea, singing lullabies about orangutans and aubergines and then Jimmeh broke the rules again and again, all the time and forever more.
He never stopped. Not even now.
Luckily, a giraffe fell over sharply. The sharp thing it fell like was so sharp it cut itself, which hurt a nearby purple sheep (but not a very important one), which was annoying because Purple Sheep is easily pained by sharp things called Bernard Franks.
Bernard Franks is a sharp thing called Bernard Franks. He is also called Bernard Franks. He is dead but lives on as his wife sleeps around with him. Bernard Franks is dead. DEAD!!!
"Right", said Fred and went away and is excellent and very good.
Cup of tea with milk and marmalade is nice. Nice is intersubjective.
"That doesn't matter. This is pointless", said stupid Sheepie, who's most excellent just like Jimmeh but not quentin's friend Fred. quentin is an excellent person. Period.
One day George fell over a pot of gold which vanished into George's pocket. George lost the money to charity causes because he was very very bored.
"NECROPOST! NECROSPOST!", screamed Matthew in jest.
"Now, then", said Helen. "Let's calm down and write about the woes of quentin's necroposting".
Then they had a pie-throwing orgy. Then they ate the pies.