Sex Tips for Beginners

Dr. Fink

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When women have sex for the first time, it can often be a painful experience. When men have sex for the first time, they want to have sex for the second time. Your virginity is a beautiful flower that needs to be trampled as soon as humanly possible. If you’re saving yourself for marriage, get married now.

Before we get started, I should mention a word about length: Women love men with enormous penises. If you are one of the unlucky few who are cursed with a penis that is less than 9 inches in length, consult a surgeon immediately. If not, proceed!

Setting the Atmosphere – If you really want to have a memorable first experience, you must set the scene appropriately. Clean your place up. Light some candles. Kill the pets. They’ll just get in the way. Put some music on the stereo. Nothing turns a woman on more than loud, experimental music. Something by John Cage, Einsturzende Neubauten, or any Norwegian black metal group should do the trick.

Grooming – Dab on a little cologne. If no cologne is available, Lysol makes a nice substitute. Wash your ass. Powder your ass. Wash your ass again. Shave your ass. Shave your head. DO NOT shave your balls. You’re likely to slice them off, and that will not make for a pleasant encounter.

Clothing – Choose something comfortable but elegant, something that says, “I will not pressure you to give me a blowjob but it would be nice.” Nothing too far-out for the first time. Save the leather and chaps for when you decide to be gay.

The bell rings. She arrives. She’s looking hot. Or maybe she’s looking awful. It doesn’t matter. From this moment on, every fiber of your being is committed to one task – getting your winky dink into her love machine.

The approach – Be tasteful. Don’t get right to it. Give her some time to appreciate the blaring Krautrock on the stereo. Get her drunk. Feed her sushi. Be tender. Look into her eyes. Tell her she looks beautiful. Touch her hair. Give her a celebrity make-over.

If things seem to be going well, go in for the kiss. Be sweet and gentle. Let the tongue work its way in there. Yeah, that’s nice. Unbutton her shirt. Not too quickly! Now slowly inch your hand closer to her breasts. She will probably grind her groin into yours. It will hurt. If you complain, you will not get laid, so shut up and take the pain like a man.

It is now time. Your entire existence has lead up to this moment. Check your breath. Good? No? Who cares?

Take her by the hand and lead her back to the bedroom. Ease her onto the bed. Remove her clothes with your teeth. Remove your clothes with her teeth. Find her clitoris. It looks like this:

Fiddle with it until she moans. It might take some time and effort, but be patient. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. Metaphorically. If there is literally a light at the end of the tunnel, there is something seriously wrong with her. Consider a new partner. Or suck it up and take your chances; you’re almost there, dude.

When you feel she’s ready, it is time for action. If you don’t know what to do next, may God have mercy on your soul.

Post-script – A word on condoms:

Condoms are horrible. Catching a disease that makes your dick fall off is even more horrible. Wear a rubber. If you don’t have any rubbers, keep a gynecologist handy to check her out and make sure she’s safe.