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My Story It basically all started 6 years ago, although I really have been developing this sort of attitude my whole life. Six years ago, I was in high school. I began to develop feelings for this girl in one of my classes. We started holding hands, flirting, and basically developing an interest in each other. One weekend, a week or two after this started, a group of us from school, including the girl I liked, were going on a camping trip. The friday that we left, I rode with the girl I liked. This was the first time we actually started to get to know each other on a more personal level. My feelings for her really started to grow that day, but what would happen later changed everything. We finally got to the campout and basically just sat around talking with everyone for a few hours. I could not wait to be alone with her. I was seventeen, and I had only had sex one time before that, and that was months before this, so I was sort of excited about the possibilities that the night could bring. What happened next is not something I feel good about at all, although there was a time before this when I did. It goes to show how sick of a person I was or am. There were a few of us sitting around the campfire talking and laughing and having a good time. I noticed that the girl I liked was talking very quietly next time to another friend, a girl from the same school . They both got up to leave, and I noticed them heading to a nearby tent. Being the sick manipulative mysogonyst that I was, I asked if I could join the two of them. I gave them the impression that I was going to be in active participant, I gave them the impression that I wanted a threesome. I started encouraging them by kissing and fondling and carressing the both of them, but I have to say that I was mostly concentrating on the girl that I liked. Once we started kissing, and they both started getting into it more, I decided that I should just sit out and watch. I watched while the girl that I liked went down on another friend of mine. I did not try to do anything to make the experience better for them. After watching for a while, I started concentrating on the girl that I liked a little bit more, kissing her and such. At this point her friend was so disgusted by my presence that she left, saying that she just wanted to let me and the girl that I liked to be alone together. So she left, and me and the girl that I liked were alone together. I did not do anything to make that experience better for her after my friend left. Her friend left, and I was not doing anything to make her feel good, so she just go on top of me and rode me for a while. At this point she was so disgusted by me that she had to leave. I did not see her for a long time that night. Once I did find her again she said nothing to me, and went to sleep laying on top of me. I treated to women that I was friends with like a couple of unpaid whores, there for my pleasure and my pleasure alone. After that things got very impersonal between us. The flirting stopped, and we did not speak on a personal level for the rest of the year. One thing about me is that I am very shy and passive and delusional person. I did not try to approach her, I did not try to find out why she felt the way she did. Being the delusional person that I was, I did not think that I had really done anything wrong. I just felt bad because we were not talking anymore. A month later, near graduation, when yearbooks were out, I asked her if I could sign her yearbook. I spent along time writing out an apology without saying that I was sorry for what I had done, basically just feeling bad for what happened between us. For reasons that I am not sure about to this day, we did start to grow closer after that apology, although it was for a short time. Her and I and some other friends from school went on a trip to Cancun. We did have a much nicer experience in Cancun, but I was still an asshole, as I did not really do much to make her feel good. I was an awful lover and an awful person. For six years I went on deluding myself and not really trying to become a better lover. The sickest part about me, and this story, is that I spent those six years deluding myself, making myself believe that I was a good person, and did not have to do anything to get better. I made this experience out to be a good experience in my mind, because I got to see two women have sex in front of me. I made myself believe that I had been better for the two of them, but in reality I did nothing but hurt two people that I respected and were friends to me. Although I did not tell this story to many people (two at the most), when I did tell it, it brought a smile to my face. This is why I am a sick person. What sort of healthy person could tell this story and be happy? There is not one. After Cancun, I only had one other sexual experience (until I met the woman that changed my life) and that showed my qualities as a lover. The girl that I was with had to masturbate to get herself off. I could not do anything to make her happy. At this point, the normal healthy person would have seen that as a sign, a sign that they have to change, that they have to get better. I however did not. I never really did anything to improve myself for the next person that I might meet. I did not do anything. My attitude was such that when I was happy, I thought that those around me were happy too, that they must be happy, so I did not have to do anything. My attitude was such that I did not try to do anything to become better unless it was told to me explicitly. Basically I did not try to change until I was told that I had to. Then, about six years after the campout, and a year after my last sexual experience, I met a girl in grad school. This is a girl that changed my life. She helped me on my way to becoming a better person. And she stayed with me through a lot of bad feelings to do this. I met this girl and quickly grew very attached and my feelings for her grew stronger everyday. I have never met another woman like her. We started going out before we had our first experience in the bedroom. When we were going out, I would often be in a different mindset, I was eating xanax before going out to the clubs. It helped me to relax. I did this without telling her, even though she showed an interest in getting fucked up with me, because every time we got back from the club she would smoke up with me. A couple of weeks after we started dating, we started getting closer, and we starting having sex. She made the first move of course, since I obviously was to scared or shy to. Again I became happy, and so I thought that she must be happy too. This means that I did nothing to become better for her, I did nothing to make her feel good about being with me. We were becoming closer, and after our first month together we decided to go on a trip together during summer break. We stayed at my house for a day or two before we left on this trip. She had been dealing with some bad feelings that she had about me. For the first month she did everything she could think of to make me happy, to make me feel good. I tried doing things like going down on her, but it was the worst head she ever got. I did not try to make myself better, I just stopped going down on her because that was the easy thing to do. I was the worst lover she ever had. While we were at my house she brought her bad feelings to my attention. She asked me to become more passionate, to hit on her more. She asked me to get better for her. Well I started to become more aggressive and passionate, for a few days. Then one day, we had a talk. She told me her biggest issue with society are the double standards that exist between the genders. She told me that she hated seeing all the male oriented porn. She told me that she hated not seeing more guys faces in porn. My reply to this was, 'yeah, I wish that there were more girls faces in porn too,' as if that was something she should like because I liked it. Anyway, about an hour after this conversation, I hurt her in the worst possible way you can hurt somebody. She was in the most vulnerable position she could be in - 1500 miles away from home after her father almost comitted suicide, at her father's house, naked pleasuring me. I then asked her to do the most humiliating, disrespectful thing that I could think of. The act is too disgusting to mention here, so I will not. I got off thinking about her humiliated and disrespected. I did not do anything to apologize or show her that I was sorry for what I had done. The next day she spent avoiding me until we were in the car on our way to another part of the trip. In the car, she told me that she did not want to be with me anymore, that she was breaking up with me. My sickening response to this was 'I can't believe that you are breaking up with me for that.' I did not even apologize, I did not comfort her, I did not try to make her feel better. I basically sat there and did not do anything. I said something like 'I know that something like that will never happen again. I do not know why I would ask something like that.' I did not even try to think about what caused me to say something like that. I still thought that I had not done anything wrong. I was very unempathetic and very unaware of her feelings. I thought that something like that would make me happy, so why should it not make her happy as well. We got back home after the trip, and were still seeing each other. She was trying her hardest to put her bad feelings about me aside, and kept trying to make me happy with the hopes that I would get better for her. When I did not for a month she told me that she could not be with me anymore. I had not done anything to show that I was sorry, I had not done anything to become a better lover. I convinced her that I would do whatever it took to get better for her, and I finally started putting some effort into getting better for her. It became impossible for her to put her bad feelings aside, and she started to ask me why I would ask her to do something so humiliating and disrespectful. Being the manipulative asshole that I was, I tried to explain to her that I had done it for her, that she had wanted something like that. Instead of really trying to think about what it was that lead me to do this. The next six months of our relationship went like this. She would get upset at me for what had happened, and I would get upset at her for bringing it up. In a lot of ways, I did improve as a lover, but only when it was asked of me. These six months were also filled with lies and deceit. I lied to her about my past sexual history with my lovers and I lied to her about drugs. People like me, or the person that I was - insecure sexually, shy, and passive - have two paths that they can take. The first is to do everything they can to become a better lover so that they can become more secure, so that they can make those around them happy. The second is to become a mysogonystic asshole that is only with women he cannot respect, he only wants to have new kinky experiences that make him feel good, and he only wants experiences that make him feel more secure because he thinks that his male peers will respect him more. I chose the latter. I spent my life as a mysogonyst - a gay basher in a gay suit. I respected the opinions of my male peers more than those of the women that I was with or wanted to be with. I was manipulative and disrespectful. I treated women like unpaid whores. I spat on the female gender, and I hate myself for it now. I know that in a lot of ways I am a better person now. I am happy making the woman I am with happy. I do not get off on disgusting disrespectful acts anymore, and I hate myself for ever being that way. I am doing everything I can to have a better effect on society. I am doing everything that I can to make up for the way that I have been. I have apologized to all of those women whose lives I affected in such an awful hurtful way, and I am writing this webpage with the hopes that it will touch some peoples lives. I hope that this story will help people to realize how awful and digusting the mysogonysts attitude is. I also know that this past is still a part of me. I have not completely shed this attitude. Whenever the subject of my past is brought up, I still try to avoid talking about it. I will change the subject by saying stuff like 'I am a better person now,' or I will answer questions about my past with 'I don't know.' Sometimes I still get upset when it is brought up. I am trying my hardest to shed all of this attitude, but it is still hard sometimes. I am begining to understand myself, and I am begining to learn how to deal with all of this in the best possible way. But I am sorry for the way that I have been. I make this promise - I will always try to become better for the people around me, I will always try to have a positive affect on those I come in contact with. I will always try to become a better lover, and I will always try to make up for the way that I have been. Please, any stories that people have out there would be greatly appreciated. Email me at mysogonystturnedgood@hotmail.com
