SO YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients
always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of
their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought
that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the
mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a
World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the
incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all
doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden
crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he
could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill
in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate
them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in
two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke
loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless
protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the
bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

______________________________________________________________________________

An Irishman moves to the USA & finally attends his
> first baseball game. The first batter approached the
> batters' box, took a few swings and then hits a
> double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run",
> "Run".
>
> The next batter hits a single & the Irishman listened
> as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN". The Irishman
> enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans. The
> fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The
> umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow
> trot to first base.
>
> The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-Run ye
> bastard, run!"
>
> The people around him began laughing.
>
> Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
>
> A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned
> over and explained
> -
> "He can't run- he's got four balls.
>
> The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride,
> lad."

_______________________________________________________________________

This certainly made me laugh.
> > >
> > >
> > >The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
> Their
> > >weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive
> > >salesmanship.
> > >
> > >
> > >Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said
> > >proudly "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
> and
> > >I credit that approach for my obvious success."
> > >
> > >
> > >"Very good," said the teacher.
> > >
> > >
> > >Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
> > >explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current
> > >events."
> > >
> > >
> > >"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
> > >
> > >
> > >Eventually, it was Little Mikey's turn. The teacher held her breath.
> Little
> > >Mikey walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash
> on
> > >the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
> > >
> > >
> > >"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
> > >
> > >
> > >"Toothbrushes," said Little Mikey.
> > >
> > >
> > >"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
> > >toothbrushes to make that much money?"
> > >
> > >
> > >"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Mikey, "I set up a
Dip
> &
> > >Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the
> same
> > >thing. "Hey, this tastes like $h!t!" Then I would say, " It is $h!t.
> > >
> > >
> > >Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

_________________________________________________________________________________

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a
job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people
who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one
question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the
man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest
thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it
ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliche for speed." As he turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant.

Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning
to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the
fastest thing known is diahrrea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I
wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think,
blink or turn on the light, I'd $h!t my pants!"

He got the job

__________________________________________________________________

Why Men Are Happier:

What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
>You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24,
in 45 minutes.

_________________________________________________________________

>You Know You're a Redneck When...2003 Edition!
>
>1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
>
>2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
>
>3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
>
>4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
>
>5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
>
>6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
>
>7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
>
>8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
>
>9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
>
>10. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.
>
>11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
>
>12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
>
>13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
>
>14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
>
>15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
>
>16. You can spit without opening your mouth.
>
>17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
>made it.
>
>18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip
>on the side.
>
>19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
>
>20. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
>
>21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
>
>22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
>
>23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
>you home.
>
>24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
>improvement.
>
>25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
>
>26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

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