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Saturday, 8 May 2004

well i haven't really had much to say lately. today was kind of interesting though. my earrings came in the mail. ok that's not interesting, but i needed something to start with. i dyed my hair again. fun shit. i really hate it when someone just won't let the idea of dating go. like wonder boys friend just won't fuck off. he's always like 'i'm having a better day because of you' and as much as i appreciate his feelings, i don't care. seriously. and the thing is, he's fucking up things with this other guy that i'm kind of into. like we were hanging out yesterday and he kept trying to put his arm around me, which null and voided all contact with the kid i really like. goddamnit. and he's always like 'oh, i'm so depressed. i might as well just kill myself when you leave for college' whatever. that's just being dramatic. i mean, either do it, or stop talking about it. i mean sure i talk about suicide, but i don't say shit like that to people. jesus christ.
oh yeah. today i saw my dad snorting something on the counter. he didn't know i was downstairs. isn't that wonderful.
my former best friends birthday was a few weeks ago. i kind of forgot. i mean, someone told me about 2 days before, but i think it was just easier to let it go. so i did. and now i feel like such an asshole. i didn't even talk to him that day. i don't even know him anymore.
my parents are gone for the night. so i don't really know what to do for the evening. i actually probably won't do anything. maybe i'll invite wonder boy up. probably not. either way, i'm kind of bored so i think i'm gonna go take whatever is left of the reputation tarnishing substance on the counter. later.

Posted by alt2/emily at 7:44 PM EDT
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Saturday, 17 April 2004

in all of my highschool career i can say i've learned one thing for sure. girls are evil. they're satanic bitches and i really really hope that i'm not average. there's nothing worse than being an average female. well, where i come from at least.
case in point, there's this one guy i like, wonder boy, and then there's this other guy i like, hmm let's call him thomas. ok, so i'm pretty into these two guys, more so thomas than wonder boy, because he's being a real pain in my ass. but yeah, so anyways, me and thomas sorta have this thing going, and all of a sudden this slutty girl, who will go unnamed because slut is pretty goddamned degrading especially when it's true, so yes this girl insists on getting thomas and wonder boy alone and making out with them. i mean, she doesn't plan on having any sort of extra contact with these people. grr. she just pisses me off.
so i'm not quite sure what the problem is. but thomas always talks about me and he says that i'm 'the coolest girl [he]'s ever met.' and i've been told this by like 5 different people. all guys. go figure. but still, i end up getting screwed over. thomas' friend said that if he (thomas) was "playing" me that he was gonna get punched in the face. so, it's like, i know i have people on my side, but i still managed to get the short end of the stick all the time. goddamnit. i'm going to bed.

Posted by alt2/emily at 12:12 AM EDT
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Wednesday, 14 April 2004
happy easter indeed
well, as an incredibly wonderful easter present, my parents left me home alone all weekend. yay! i didn't do a whole lot though. i made a new friend. he spent the night. twice. the poem at the end of this little entry thing is about him. i had like 10 people over one night, everyone got pissy and i fell asleep at 6am, and woke up alone. well except for 1 other person. so it was kinda crazy. today i took a walk with wonder boys friend today. we walked around the cemetery for about 2 hours. it was interesting. he says i'm his best friend. oh dear...
i seem to have this "knack" for getting together with wonder boys friends. he's not doing me a hell of a lotta good, so i figure that's my reason. they're cool though. but i didn't do very many bad things, seeing as my parents were away, and i'm a teenager. oh, i dabbled in some illegal substances. nothing too hardcore though. but i guess it still counts.
well i suppose i'm nearly out of things to say. i dyed my hair purple a while ago. it's super duper cool, but my hands, face and ears were purple for a week. oh well. it still looks cool as hell. seeing as hell is hot, that doesn't really make sense. wait, do i believe in hell?? hmm.
anyway, i'm not really freaking out about too much these days. all i ever do is sleep. i'm averaging about 14 hours a day. at least. weird. usually i get about 3. maybe this is like a delayed reaction to lack of sleep. on friday, me and my overnight house guest layed in bed and napped and made out until 5pm. that was nice. well i'm gonna get going. but yeah, later on.

Greatest endeavor
without caution drag unyielding fingers
through tangled wisps of purple hair
wrapped in the blankets where your scent lingers
keeping it safe from the envious air
calmly despise one more unscripted morning
you know that i'd stay here forever
put up a fight, the sun comes without warning
with one last chance, show your greatest endeavor
one more night, and it won't be the same
beautiful things never seem to last
funny how your lips can't produce my name
they're foreign again and your scent's fading fast
look back and reflect now that everything's gone
count your regrets and i'm numbering mine
let's discuss and examine conclusions we've drawn
that's quite alright dear, maybe some other time.

Artificial bliss
smoke rings hide the fears in a haze
spoon, straw and happiness lay wounded on the table
five hundred milligrams, forget those harsh days
destroy my mind, i'm ready willing and able
if you can't quite forget, i'll show you how
this is the way i kill my memories
take a little bit more, feel much better now
it's hard at first, just follow my lead
i'm sure you've heard of consequences
if you're sure that i can finally let go
i swear i'll take my chances
at least these poisons won't kill me slow
so pick up the straw, leave this world behind
this is a one way ticket to happiness
it's amazing the sorts of things that you find
when you learn to indulge in artificial bliss.

Posted by alt2/emily at 9:53 PM EDT
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Sunday, 28 March 2004
things aren't always what they seem
well, tonight was a little crazy. well no, go back, i haven't update this in a very long while. so to start, i ended up 'dating' wonder boys friend for about a month around valentines day. which was pretty much pointless. we basically just spooned and hung out. so then after we broke up we were still friends, which resulted in a great amount of hatred by his former girlfriend. tonight, i went over to his house to chill out with him and wonder boy but he got all pissed off and stayed downstairs. and wonder boy ended up making out in the attic for a while. weird. about four months ago, i would be jumping up and down right now. but these days, he just seems like more trouble than he's worth. so, i'm pretty sure it will stay at that.
in other news, i haven't been myself lately. well, for a while now. i don't know what it is. i avoid nearly all of the people i hung out with before. i was supposed to go to a concert with an uberhot older boy, but it turns out he has to work. grr. so yeah, that royally pissed me off, whatever though. i suppose shit happens. but lately, like for the past 2 weeks, i've just felt really empty inside. i don't know why. maybe i've always felt this way and just haven't noticed it, or been able to name it or something. i don't know. it's like no matter what i'm doing, i feel like there's something missing. or something's just a little off. or i'm not doing it right. i don't know. i feel empty and wrong. that's it. and that's a pretty bad feeling. i don't know. i think i'm gonna go to bed tonight. i'm incredibly tired and pathetically in love with a boy who hardly knows i exist. wonder boy 2. great.

Posted by alt2/emily at 12:23 AM EST
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Monday, 26 January 2004
has hell frozen over?
well, what a turn of events. wonder boys best friend wants to go out with me. ha. i kind of wanted to be like 'of course!' if only to piss him off. but then he (wonder boy) seemed like he was all for it. so much for that.
i really don't know what i'm going to do about this kid. like, i think he's an awesome kid. like awesome friend. he's funny and smart and nice and talented and all that bullshit. but as far as dating goes, i really don't think it's gonna work out. he just doesn't 'do it for me' so to speak. but like, i don't know. i would rather be friends with him and then spoon occasionally. i love spooning. making out perhaps. i don't know. but i'm really not sure that i want to date him. but he wants to date me. no, he called it, going out. i hate that. it's like we're not 'going out' anywhere. so don't call it that. i'd like to consider us friends, with minor benefits. nothing past first base. but those damn boys. they're weird. i doubt he'd go for it. i asked my friend what to do about all of this, she said "ask jeeves" ha. that about killed me. i love her.
so yeah, aside from that, not much has been going on. i have had this recurring urge to get stoned. and i can't. grr. it's not like i do it all the time. i hardly ever do. like i don't go to parties and get 'messed up' but for some unexplainable reason i want to get drunk and high. it's not to avoid my problems or anything. i am blatantly aware that they will still be around when i come down. so i don't know, maybe i'll hit the nearly non-existent party scene sometime next weekend. but then again, maybe not.
well now i'm going to go ponder and enjoy my time alone. later on.

Posted by alt2/emily at 12:48 PM EST
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Sunday, 18 January 2004

well, some strange things have been going on lately. as it turns out, wonder boy hadn't been dumped earlier. but yesterday, after school, he was. and of course it was hell, because he was 'in love' with her. which i find to be pretty goddamn amazing seeing as 1.they dated for 2 weeks and 2.6 hours after they broke up he was asking me to make out with him. oh yes, i can tell you're heartbroken.
i'm really quite tired. i think i'm beginning to hate my best friend. it's like, i know i've been replaced. and i guess i'm fine with that. except i would just like to remind her that these new cool friends she has didn't so much as speak to her when she wasn't attractive. and i was her best friend then. so now, i'm being left alone. while she goes out with them. and i guess she just forgets about how things were. well, isn't that convenient. i wish i could forget things at my disclosure. i would forget her. and i would forget how she never calls when she says she will. and forget how she left me at home alone, waiting by the phone. and how she , well nevermind. that doesn't matter anymore. it really doesn't. i can forget her. i will forget her.
but right now, i'm going to go and sleep. that's all i enjoy these days. i like avoid reality. and under the covers is the best place for that. goodnight.

Posted by alt2/emily at 12:09 AM EST
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Saturday, 17 January 2004
our memories are the knives that slit my wrists
i can't stand anyone anymore. i really can't. i hate all my friends. i haven't heard from them in days, and i don't care. at all. i feel better this way. i don't want to put up with whatever they have to say. i've been replaced. and i'm fine with that. and i really hate that the decision that would change everything was put off, just because a couple of people are so goddamn lazy. no, goddamn does work there. fucking lazy. because a couple of people are too fucking lazy. that's better. i suppose the real reason i don't wanna see anyone, in my own non-professional analysis, would be the fact that i am completely aware of just how alone i am. and if i hang out with others, and hear about their fucking teenage bliss, i will be reminded of the fact that not one damn person gets me.
i honestly get the vibe that no one even gives a shit if i'm here. which is understandable i suppose. some anti social, suicidal, drama queen. but if no one cares that i'm here, does that mean no one would care if i wasn't here? i really think they wouldn't. of course they'd be like 'oh, i don't know what made her do this. she had it so good. i miss her already' bullshit. what they're really thinking is 'it's about damn time' i know they think it. and no one has the guts to say it. not a single one of them. bastards.
the pathetic thing is, these are my friends. i haven't even begun to describe my enemies. everytime i read this, or read anything, it reminds me of just how alone i am. and i can't talk to anyone about this. first of all because they're so caught up in their fucking selfish lives. but secondly, they'd freak out. it wouldn't be for real, of course. they want to be the one who can say 'i saved the drama queen from knife to the wrist mistakes' bullshit. i don't want them to try to 'save' me. fuck that. i'd rather be totally alone. maybe i'll call up one of those suicide hotlines. and vent to someone who's paid to tell me not to do it. and tell them how i hate my friends. and i hate my family. and the one person i don't hate all the time, is leaving. and he won't be coming back this time. and how i know the feeling of a knife on my wrist or of a gun in my mouth. and i like it. no, i couldn't call. too degrading.
but i suppose this is too. writing down my teenage angst in some pathetic online journal that no one ever reads, and it's a good thing too, just so i don't have to face up to the fact that not one goddamn person cares if i live or die. so i'm completely on my own with that decision. and i can't make it.

Posted by alt2/emily at 8:45 AM EST
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Saturday, 10 January 2004
four days
well, that boy that i mentioned earlier, and earlier and earlier, was dumped by the girl he made out with 'fives time [that] day' is it bad that i'm ecstatic? or that i hope he'll ask me out so i can tell him to fuck off? or that i'm not sure i could?
i don't know. i suppose we'll see.
but then again, maybe not. see, i may die soon. i'm not exactly sure yet. but i'm honestly afraid. someone else has control over my life right now and i really don't like it. in exactly four days, i will receive a piece of paper, that basically decides whether or not i live or die. jesus christ. it's like, i kind of let some things go. and if i can't get them back, then it's over. i won't give them the satisfaction of controlling me, more than they already know they do. the question, has remained unanswered for 4 days now. isn't that odd. but i don't want the answer. i know i don't. if it's yes, then i will stay here. but then i will have to live with the fact that those assholes almost drove me to suicide. and, if it's no, then... well you know. and the 'you know' part scares the hell out of me. just because i know that i can do it. as much as i'm afraid, i can. i know. what a selfish thing to do. but everyone else is so goddamn self involved why shouldn't i be? i think maybe it would be better, to go away for a while. you know. start fresh. but i don't know if i believe in that. starting fresh that is. and if i don't, then what? i'm gonna be stuck. wondering, what if i had tried to find another way out? or is there another way out? i really don't know these days.
i wish there was someone i could talk to about this. adn ask them if they know of another way out. but then i'd have to tell them what i did wrong. and what i did to get myself in such a mess. and they would think i was a lazy, worthless, procrastinater whose ways would finally catch up to her. and i don't wanna be like 'well yeah, that's true, and if my ways finally catch me, i'll be dead' could you imagine the shit that would go down if my parents read this? they'd have me outta school and in a padded room faster than i could say fuck off.
and then there's the people i don't hate. which amount to very few, by the way. i want them to know, like, how awesome i think they are and how much they've helped me out, but suicide notes, and letters and whatnot are so cliche. and i would feel strange. i don't know. writing all these letters to people. but, see, there are things i want them to know. and if i tell them, they're going to get a little freaked out. and if i mention why i'm telling them, they're gonna go crazy. so, maybe i will be confined to lame ass notes. but there are some things that should be said in person. and i'm not sure that i can do that. but maybe i won't have to. hey, i'm having a 4 star day.
so i haven't been sleeping well. this thought, decision that someone else will be making for me, is like cancer. you know it's there, but you never, ever, want anyone to tell you. if they don't tell me, it's not real. and that's what i need. something that's not real. everything is happening so fast, and it feels like the world is going by so fast and i'm not a part of it anymore. someone told me i don't work well under pressure. and if this is pressure, i sure as hell don't work well under it. i don't live under it well. i'm not sure i'll live under it at all. and this is only high school. that's the childish, petty, sad fact that i'm stuck with.
so now, i'm thinking, and the more i do, the more i dread the day i get the answer to the question i never had to ask.

Posted by alt2/emily at 11:14 PM EST
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Friday, 12 December 2003

well i haven't had much to say. actually i have. but it's a real pain in the ass to recount every detail. especially in here. when i write in on normal paper, i can rip it up and burn it. i find that to be theraputic. but in here, i can only hit delete. and as much as that helps, it's not the same. so in case you (me?) were wondering what was responsible for my pissy mood, here it goes...
well me and wonderboy hung out. we still do. he likes me. and he told me that we should date. which naturally made me f-ing ecstatic. we used to sneak out, and walk around and talk. and then, one night, we decided to sneak out, and within 10 minutes of being together, he decided to tell me about how he made out with some other girl like five times that day. so basically i went along with it, because he thinks i'm one of those totally laid back chicks who doesn't really care about anything. but honestly i wanted to like run home and cry and be all girly and stupid about it. but so anyway, we were walking and we happened to pass the cemetery so i started talking about how it always scares me to walk past the cemetery at night alone, and he's like 'yeah, we made out there today too' jesus christ. so basically i just shut up and got all pissy about everything. so we went to this other kids house, they insisted i go, and when we got there, they sat down and i stood there. we didn't do anything. i just stood there for like 15 minutes hoping they wouldn't bring up his various make out sessions, seeing as i probably couldn't control my bitchy outbursts any longer. so then, i was like 'yeah well i'm gonna get going and hopefully i don't get attacked and murdered on the way home' (i was pissed and overdramatized the whole thing) and so they were like 'oh, ok well yeah don't slam the door when you leave' that really really pissed me off. so as i was walking home (alone) i actually hoped i would get kidnapped and murdered so they would feel bad, all the while trying to keep from crying.
so now he always tells me about how him and this girl make out and shit like that. so, i decided that i would do the same. i would "stoop to his level" because he deserves it goddamnit. so i told him about how i was seeing people, and he's like "don't you think it's a little rude to be dating more than one person" rude?! rude?!??! i'm rude!? for christs sake. what an asshole. as if trying to make me jealous every time he speaks to me, or not saying hello in the hallwyas unless it's convenient for him, or walking away from me when he decides the conversation should end, or making sure i see him holding her hand...isn't rude. that asshole. and then he acted all pissed off about it, and he's like "i thought you liked me..." what an asshole.
so yeah, yesterday, this all came to "a head" and i just got so incredibly pissed off at him that i didn't even wanna see or think about him ever again. he gave me his bands cd and i really didn't even give a damn about listening to it. and he's like "i signed a heart by my name" so right now, i'm pretty confused and i really don't feel like trying to figure out what all that means. but anyways, yesterday i was so goddamned upset, and i came home, and nothing went right there either. i had a terrible headache, my dog wouldn't fuck off, people kept calling me, and then i got online and he started fishing for seventeen hundred goddamn compliments, and i just couldn't take it anymore. i ran upstairs and cried, not because i was sad about this, but because i was so fucking angry i didn't know what else to do. so i went in my room, and laid in my bed and thought about how things would never be the same and how i should've just let it go, and never talked to him, and never expected it to turn into something wonderful. because, it's highschool, nothing lasts forever, and i hate everyone. well now that i've realized what a dramaqueen i am, i'm going to go wallow in my own self pity and savor the five hours i have until my pseudo friends arrive home from school. later.

Posted by alt2/emily at 10:39 AM EST
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Sunday, 26 October 2003
'you're special. so fucking special.i wish i was special'
i talk to him all the time now. i'm supposed to make him a mix tape. jesus. i don't know what to do about that. i'm not sure if we were kidding around or not. i'm like i'm going to start a trend of making mix tapes. he's like sweet i want one. so now i have to have some awesome song, with somewhat suggestive lyrics. very vague. always be vague. the best advice ever...
friday was so stupid. i hate our school. everyone painted their faces in the school colors and went around acting like us mortals should worship the football players. me and my friends put letters on our shirts and spelled out a phrase that basically pissed everyone off. and for some reason that made me like euphoric. standing up there. on the last bleacher. the 'loser' section. looking back at the school. smiling. and telling them to fuck off.

Posted by alt2/emily at 7:31 PM EDT
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