The Withering of Edward and Phillip
[an absurdity by Sean Mix]
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Scene opens up with a dimly lit stage. There is a small, round table center stage and two chairs. A coat rack with no coats is at stage left. Other than that the room is completely blank. Edward and Phillip are standing each behind a chair. Edward is behind the left chair and Phillip behind the right. Both their heads are down and their hands are folded in a praying position. They are sleeping. Phillip raises his head.
Phil: I say, we must have dozed off. (He taps Edward)
Edward: (focused, without any movement) I haven’t finished yet.
Phil: Finished what?
Edward: My dream.
Phil: Yes, you have.
Edward: No, I haven’t.
Phil: (searching for explanation) well, you’re awake aren’t you?
Edward: Yes (looks down at self as though investigating.) I believe I am.
Phil: Then I declare the dream over.
Edward: And the nightmare begins.
Phil: (remaining optimistic) Hardly so my friend.
Edward: But still, so
Phil: Hardly
Edward: So?
Phil: Never mind.
Edward: Why?
Phil: (turns away from Edward) Because I don’t feel like spitting words back and forth. Not today.
Edward: No, why hardly so?
Phil: (ponders. A bit stirred) I’ve forgotten.
Edward: That’s too bad. I almost thought there would be good news.
Phil: No news is good news.
Edward: Then why have news?
Phil: To know.
Edward: What?
Phil: To know.
Edward: No, to know what?
Phil: The news.
Edward: Oh. (Pause)
Phil: What did you dream?
Edward: I dreamt of an open field at sunset.
Phil: Oh. (Reflecting) Was the sun orange?
Edward: No, it was black.
Phil: Black?
Edward: Black.
Phil: How?
Edward: Well, it wasn’t white…or orange
Phil: A black sun? Was the world ending?
Edward: No, I think it was starting.
Phil: With a black sun? (Ponders) well, that explains a lot.
Edward: It was really nice to see.
Phil: Could you see?
Edward: I told you I saw a sunset.
Phil: You said you dreamt that.
Edward: It’s the same.
Phil: (deciding not to argue) Fine, go on.
Edward: That’s it.
Phil: Nothing happened?
Edward: What would happen?
Phil: I don’t know…maybe a bird?
Edward: (disgusted at the thought) A bird? What would a bird do?
Phil: Fly.
Edward: Nonsense.
Phil: Was it dark?
Edward: Terribly.
Phil: Were you in the dream?
Edward: I was the field.
Phil: How do you know?
Edward: Because I saw nothing but the black sun.
Phil: Nothing but the black sun?
Edward: Yes.
Phil: Not even a sky?
Edward: No.
Phil: So just darkness?
Edward: A black sun.
Phil: And nothing stirred?
Edward: Nothing but the black sun and me.
Phil: (making a point. Sophisticated) I believe your eyes were merely closed.
Edward: I beg your pardon.
Phil: You weren’t dreaming my dear Edward: Your eyes were closed.
(Momentary pause)
Edward: (crushed at Phillip’s theory) life crushed my dream.
Phil: Nonsense, could you dream without life?
Edward: (muttering) no life would be a dream.
Phil: (instantly agitated) Ridiculous! It would be nothing! It wouldn’t even be. In fact, it wouldn’t be an “it”. Nothing!… Simply nothing. (Sits down in his chair on the right. There is a silence for sometime and Phil looks a bit angered and deep in thought. Edward innocently moves around the room as if searching for something. He comes across the coat rack. He looks it up and down)
Edward: Phillip, why is this here?
Phil: (turning towards Edward) well, I believe it’s to hang up our coats.
Edward: But we don’t have coats.
Phil: No we don’t. (Looks back down in thought)
Edward: (to self) we don’t have coats. (Begins to walk away but goes back to the coat rack and examines it again. Looks back at Phil) why do you suppose it was put here then?
Phil: So we could hang our coats.
Edward: But we don’t have coats.
Phil: Maybe they assumed we did.
Edward: Why would they assume that?
Phil: Common courtesy.
Edward: That hardly seems courteous.
Phil: Why?
Edward: Because now I wish I had a coat to put on this rack. (Phil ignores him and looks back down) it’s sort of depressing isn’t it?
Phil: What?
Edward: (ponders) A coat rack with no coats.
Phil: We could have coats with no rack.
Edward: Ah, now that would be a problem (slight laughter at the thought)
Phil: (smiles) whatever would we do?
Edward: I’m not sure. I bet we’d still take them off, because it would get warm.
Phil: Too warm.
Edward: Way too warm.
Phil: I’d probably be sweating.
Edward: Like a pig! (There’s laughter for a moment then immediate silence. Both Phillip and Edward stare blankly into the audience as if in deep thought for a brief amount of time, they then turn toward each other)
Phil: Where could we put them?
Edward: (walks to table and taps it) on this table. Or I would anyways.
Phil: I wouldn’t.
Edward: Why not?
Phil: Well suppose I wanted to use the table. I wouldn’t be able to with a coat in my way.
Edward: You’re right. I’ll take my coat off. (Takes imaginary coat off table)
Phil: Thank you. (Silence. After a while Edward sits down in his chair on the left across from Phil and puts his hand on his chin pondering)
Edward: Why are we here?
Phil: We were told to go here.
Edward: In this room?
Phil: Yes.
Edward: are you certain?
Phil: Almost positive.
Edward: But not certain.
Phil: Slightly certain.
Edward: Maybe we went into the wrong room by mistake.
Phil: But then we wouldn’t be here now.
Edward: Why?
Phil: Because we would’ve realized our mistake. Or someone else would’ve told us.
Edward: What if that’s now?
Phil: What?
Edward: We realized we’re in the wrong room.
Phil: I haven’t realized that.
Edward: I have.
Phil: No you haven’t. You’ve suggested it.
Edward: Oh. (Pause) So until we both realize it’s wrong…this is the right room?
Phil: It’s comfortable. (Long silence. Both are pondering.)
Edward: When did we come here?
Phil: How’d we get in?
Edward: The door.
Phil: Where? (Both look around)
Edward: We must have misplaced it.
Phil: (critical tone) The door?
Edward: Where?
Phil: Never mind. (Silence) are you hungry?
Edward: No.
Phil: Nor I. (pause) what was outside?
Edward: Outside?
Phil: Of here.
Edward: I’m not totally sure. I remember a lot of telephones ringing.
Phil: Oh yes!
Edward: And hallways. Lots of hallways.
Phil: Too confusing.
Edward: Far too confusing.
Phil: It’s a good thing we found this room. Who knows where we’d end up?
Edward: (in an almost appalled voice) I dare say we’d probably starved to death by now. (Silence)
Phil: Are you hungry?
Edward: No.
Phil: Nor I. (long pause)
Edward: Hrm…
Phil: Perhaps we should go get some food.
Edward: Where would we go?
Phil: I don’t know…it would be nice to leave for a bit though.
Edward: But we don’t know where to go.
Phil: It could be an adventure.
Edward: No. No. Far too dangerous.
Phil: Oh come on! We can even get you a coat to put on that coat rack!
Edward: Really?
Phil: Yes.
Edward: (pondering) well, I don’t know.
Phil: (shocked) eh?
Edward: If I got the coat, then what?
Phil: Well, I imagine you could hang it up…it would look nice I’m sure.
Edward: But then what?
Phil: I’m afraid I don’t understand.
Edward: I’d have nowhere to go.
Phil: You have nowhere to go now.
Edward: But I can go somewhere.
Phil: You can always go somewhere.
Edward: Not without doors.
Phil: Doors?
Edward: I don’t see any.
Phil: That’s nonsense, then how’d we get in.
Edward: We let ourselves in.
Phil: I don’t ever recall being out now that I think of it.
Edward: Out?
Phil: Of it.
Edward: It?
Phil: The room.
Edward: (ponders) I like “it” better.
Phil: What?
Edward: I like “it” better…as a title…for the room.
Phil: (rolls eyes) Very well, “it”
Edward: Much more fitting.
Phil: And why is that?
Edward: Well, “it” is far more general, and we’re drowning in generality.
Everything is sort of blurred together here.
Phil: (summing Edward’s theory up) So, we’re living without specifics.
Edward: We’re hardly living.
Phil: (confidently) More so than this table (taps table)
Edward: Merely because we move about the room.
Phil: (ponders) We breathe.
Edward: And then we move more.
Phil: Right.
Edward: Left. (Phil turns left and Edward turns right and they proceed to walk until the walk into each other. They stumble a bit over each other)
Phil: Terribly sorry.
Edward: No, no, the fault is mine. (They brush each other off and sit down in the opposite chairs as before, Phil on left and Edward on right. They look uneasy. They look at each other at the same time. Almost instantly, and at the same time, they get up and switch their seats back. They look much more satisfied. However, the satisfaction fades and there is a long silence, as each seems to be thinking of something to do.)
Edward: Can anything be done?
Phil: I think it’s all taken care of.
Edward: Oh. (Silence again)
Phil: (bringing up conversation) I once saw the sun.
Edward: Really?
Phil: Yes.
Edward: What was it like?
Phil: It was bright. I had to avert my eyes.
Edward: That’s too bad.
Phil: Yes.
Edward: Is that why you came in here? To escape the light?
Phil: I surely hope not. Although at the time, maybe it seemed logical.
Edward: I saw the sun once too.
Phil: Did you?
Edward: But it was black.
Phil: Didn’t we discuss this?
Edward: Oh perhaps.
Phil: I believe we did.
Edward: Can we one more time?
Phil: Well, I suppose one more time.
Edward: Well, I was a field and there was the sun-
Phil: Question.
Edward: Yes?
Phil: What makes you think you were a field?
Edward: Because I saw the sun.
Phil: So?
Edward: Fields need sun to grow crops.
Phil: I saw the sun once too. And I’m not a bloody field now am I?
Edward: No, that would be ridiculous.
Phil: Exactly.
Edward: Why would the sun shine on you?
Phil: I was young.
Edward: You don’t need it though.
Phil: I was naïve.
Edward: You wasted it!
Phil: I was indulging myself.
Edward: (stands up) Squanderer!
Phil: (stands up) Hypocrite!
Edward: (shocked. Turns angrily and sits down. Begins to look sorrowful and puts head in hands)
Phil: (a bit concerned) what’s wrong with you?
Edward: (looking up, emotional) Phillip, I’ve forgotten what the sun looks like.
Phil: (sympathetic. Walks over and pats him on the shoulder) There, there old friend. I really don’t remember much of it either.
Edward: Was it warm?
Phil: I believe so.
Edward: (begins to sob and puts head in hands)
Phil: (still sympathetic) Oh now stop. Hey, how about we go have a look at the sun?
Edward: Shall we?
Phil: We shall!
Edward: When?
Phil: Now?
Edward: What about now?
Phil: Too late. How about now?
(The following lines are to be said as though expecting something to happen, the players look about after they say “now”)
Edward: now!
Phil: Still a bit slow…now!
Edward: Now, now’s the time! Now!
Phil: Now!
Edward: Now!
Phil: We’re falling behind! Now!
Edward: I’m trying! Now!
Phil: Right…now!
Edward: (immediately after Phil’s ”now”) Now!
Phil: Wait, you have to be quick…now! (Runs into back wall and falls)
Edward: Oh my, this is not going to work. (Walks and helps Phillip up)
Phil: Did I make it?
Edward: No.
Phil: That’s probably for the better. We have things to do.
Edward: What do we have to do?
Phil: Well, natural things.
Edward: Naturally.
Phil: Exactly.
(Pause. They wander about the room in separate directions looking around casually for a moment. At the same time they both stop and go to their chairs, Phillip right and Edward left, and sit down)
Edward: (pondering) Can we get replacements?
Phil: (shocked) That’s absurd! You’re absurd!
Edward: Oh come on Phillip. It would be lovely. We could have a day off.
Phil: No, no. Things must be done.
Edward: What things must be done?
Phil: Natural things.
Edward: Naturally.
Phil: Exactly. (Pause)
Edward: Well suppose we just left.
Phil: We can’t.
Edward: Why not?
Phil: Because then where would we be? And who would be here? And could we ever come back? These are the things you should think about.
Edward: All I think about is the sun. It’s beautiful.
Phil: You don’t remember the sun.
Edward: I do too! It’s black!
Phil: (stands up) Liar!
Edward: (also stands up ready to argue but realizes he has nothing to say and sits back down) Oh what to do? (Silence. Phil sits down)
Phil: Are you hungry?
Edward: No.
Phil: Nor I. (pause and they both look around in their seats)
Edward: Shall we play a game?
Phil: Why?
Edward: To pass time.
Phil: Are we waiting for something?
Edward: I don’t think so.
Phil: So why pass time?
Edward: Well, I’m sure if enough time goes by something will happen.
Phil: Perhaps you’ll be filled with more ridiculous ideas.
Edward: Perhaps, but we won’t know unless we pass the time.
Phil: All right then. What game shall we play?
Edward: Oh, I was hoping you would know.
Phil: Me? Why would I know?
Edward: Because I don’t.
Phil: Oh.
Edward: Yeah. (Pause)
Phil: Well, I do know a game. It’s a good game! The directions are as follows: I say a word and our words shall work together to build a sentence.
Edward: (a bit annoyed) Why would we do that?
Phil: To pass time.
Edward: (enlightened) Oh yes.
Phil: Ready?
Edward: (playing along) …to…
Phil: (startled) What?
Edward: “Ready to what”? That doesn’t seem like a very good sentence.
Phil: We haven’t started yet.
Edward: Oh, well how will I know when we’ve started?
Phil: I’ll wave my hand like this (waves hand) got that?
Edward: Yes.
Phil: All right. Here we g-
Edward: Wait!
Phil: What?
Edward: How will we know when we’ve stopped?
Phil: I’ll wave my hand again.
Edward: Oh all right.
A note: the players must ponder each one of their words before they say it this first time, later on they become more quick in response
Phil: Ok. Here we go (waves hand) one…
Edward: …day…
Phil: …we…
Edward: …will…
Phil: …all…
Edward: …die…
Phil: (waves hand) Honestly Edward. Where are we to go from there?
Edward: People have been wondering that for years.
Phil: Let’s not leave it up to us to figure it out. Let’s start again.
Edward: Ok.
Phil: (waves hand) There
Edward: Was
Phil: A
Edward: Boy
Phil: Who
Edward: Almost
Phil: Killed
Edward: Himself
Phil: Until
Edward: He
Phil: Realized
Edward: He
Phil: Was
Edward: Already
Phil: Dead. (Waves hand, stands up. excited) oh well done!
Edward: (stands up excited. Both of the move in front of the table center stage) Let me start one! (Waves hand) A
Phil: Dog
Edward: Sees
Phil: In
Edward: Black and white!
Phil: (waves hand angered) only one word Edward! I thought you knew that.
Edward: Oh dear. I’m afraid I got excited.
Phil: We’ll have to start again.
Edward: But that one was going so well.
Phil: Until you ruined it.
Edward: We could start from right before I made a mistake.
Phil: Impossible! If that were true, we could do anything we wanted!
Edward: You’re right. So we’re making a new sentence?
Phil: We have to. We don’t want to be remembered for that error.
Edward: You’re right. May I start again?
Phil: You may.
Edward: (waves hand) I
Phil: Am
Edward: Going
Phil: To
Edward: Apologize
Phil: For
Edward: My
Phil: Unforgivable
Edward: (shocked) error (waves hand in anger) that’s not fair!
Phil: (shocked) I said one word!
Edward: But it ruined my intention.
Phil: I’m sorry that I’m not clinging to the inside of your skull, Edward.
Edward: Well, I thought you knew I was apologizing.
Phil: I thought these were general scenarios.
Edward: Well, do they have to be?
Phil: It would be easier.
Edward: But less fun.
Phil: More plentiful.
Edward: Bah! I don’t want to play this game any more. (Sits down. Phil wanders around the room looking about casually)
Phil: (stops and declares) Edward, I have an epiphany!
Edward: What is that?
Phil: We’re at war!
Edward: Oh my, I don’t like war! (Waving hands franticly) Elect a new leader! Elect a new leader!
Phil: Edward! Calm yourself! You’ll give away our position!
Edward: But I don’t want to fight!
Phil: We’ll be heroes!
Edward: Elect a new leader!
Phil: It all makes so much sense now. Here we are, the two of us, in a room with no idea as to which way we’re going…day in and day out…well, we’re going to war! War is the answer! It’s all so strategic! Oh Edward, moral is at an all time high! (Begins to hum hail to the chief and walks around as if conducting the song)
Edward: Murderer!
Phil: (appalled. Turns angrily at Edward) They started it!
Edward: You’ve lost your mind, they didn’t do a thing!
Phil: Then why are we in war?
Edward: Because you’re mad! Terribly mad!
Phil: You cannot be mad in times of war! If killing is sane, then everything is!
Edward: (franticly) Elect a new leader!
Phil: (angered) They’ll pay now!
Edward: They didn’t do anything! Leave them alone! What is wrong with you?
Phil: (stops. Looks about the stage embarrassed. Walks shyly to his seat and puts head in his hands) Oh Edward! There’s far too much wrong with me, I’m terribly unhappy!
Edward: Whatever for?
Phil: I feel empty.
Edward: I’m here.
Phil: You’re right.
Edward: Thank you.
Phil: But yet…so wrong.
Edward: I’m afraid I don’t understand.
Phil: This whole time, it’s just you and me, back and forth…back and forth.
I’m not even sure where I end and where you start! Is it nighttime or morning? Am I living or dying? Good or evil? (Silence)(In a panic) I need a mirror! I need a mirror! Edward, give me a mirror! (Runs about the room looking) I need to see my face! I’ve forgotten who I am!
Edward: Would your face tell you anything?
Phil: (stops and ponders for a moment, starring into audience) I…I’m sorry.
I’m very perplexed as to what just happened. I feel as though there was a hole in my head and everything just spilled out. (Begins walking towards center stage and closer to the front slowly still staring blankly at the audience) Moderation, that’s the key, moderation. (Reflects) After all, a child can win a fish in a bag at a carnival. (Pause) He can carry it off, dancing about the world if he pleases, while the fish is confined to its bag less than twice its size… and that fish still goes on swimming (turns to Edward quickly) it does Edward, I know it does (turns back to audience. Becoming emotional) carried around with no control as to where it will end up, and yet it still swims—I’ve seen it! The emotionless eyes, the back and forth movements, the circles, the circles, oh Edward the circles! Oh Edward
I’ve seen it all! (Reflects with blank stare) And perhaps, by some stroke of luck, the boy dances his way back to his bag and places the fish in some sort of bowl, this one larger than the original bag. What does the fish do? Circles Edward! Circles again! Around and around we go! (Begins moving about the room) From one end to the other, as though something new will appear! It breaks its cycle to eat, yes, it does, to survive, but then its right back to the circles! I’ve seen it Edward, don’t tell me I haven’t!! (Runs over to Edward and grabs his shoulder. A bit calmer and as if having a vision.) And the boy (starring off into space and directing Edward to do so by extending his hand), occasionally the boy will glance at his fish, he will keep it alive for a thread of time, until one day he will see the fish at the top of the water. Then he’ll dance away again, dancing, always dancing, right up to his funeral, when he’s floating at the top of the water! (Glares back at Edward) I’ve seen it all! And it won’t stop! So let’s dance! Dance to our funeral!! (Begins to dance around the room madly)
Edward: (starring, gawking, frightened) I refuse to accept that you’ve dwindled down my existence to a fish!
Phil: (still dancing with an insane smirk) You can dance or you can swim Edward!
Either way, around and around we go! (Moves a finger in circles above his head)
Edward: You’ve gone mad! You’re just killing time with your dancing and your theories!
Phil: (stops. very serious) Killing time?
Edward: Yes.
Phil: (pondering) Now there’s and interesting idea. (Walking back and forth still pondering) However, it’s not very original. I’m afraid it’s already been done, Edward. (Stops) Time is dead.
Edward: We’re still here.
Phil: (defeated) Alas, you’re right. (Moves to right chair slowly and sits down)
Edward: I’m sorry.
Phil: It’s not your fault. (Edward walks behind Phillip, rests his hand on his shoulder and then walks back over to his chair. Long pause and both look
deep in thought)
Edward: (Edward gets up and walks to the empty coat rack innocently and examines it) Phillip?
Phil: (looks up) Yes, Edward?
Edward: Why is this here?
Phil: So we can hang our coats.
Edward: But we don’t have coats.
Phil: Maybe they assumed we did.
Edward: Why would they assume that?
Phil: Common courtesy.
Edward: That hardly seems courteous.
Phil: Why?
Edward: Because now I wish I had a coat on this rack. (Phil ignores him and looks back down) (To self, walking away and shaking head) A coat rack and no coats…
Blackout
Curtain
