Pump's Shit

Blonde Sex Jokes

TRUE or FALSE

1. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit in the Outback.

2. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.

3. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

4. The G-string is part of a violin.

5. Anus is the Latin word for yearly.

6. Testicles are found on an octopus.

7. Foetus is a character in "Gunsmoke".

8. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.

9. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

10. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.

11. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass.

12. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.

13. Douche is the Italian word for twelve.

14. An enema is someone who is not your friend.

15. Scrotum is a small moon orbiting Uranus.

16. Climax is a weather balloon.

17. Condom is a small apartment complex.

18. Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.

Condom Jokes

Nike condoms - Just do it. 
Toyota condoms - Oh what a feeling. 
Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.
KFC condoms - Finger-lickin' good. 
J Ford condoms - The best never rest. 
Bounty condoms - The quicker picker-upper. 
Energizer condoms -It keeps going and going and going. 
M & Ms condoms -It melts in your mouth, not in your hands. 
Star Trek condoms - To boldly go where no man has gone before. 

Why are condoms like cameras? - they both capture the moment

Dick Jokes

1. My dick is so big, it only tips with hundreds. 
2. My dick is so big, the Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it. 
3. My dick is so big, the city was going to build a statue of it but they ran out of cement. 
4. My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it. 
5. My dick is so big, when I get hard my ey brows get pulled down to my neck. 
6. My dick is so big, you're standing on it. 
7. My dick is so big, it only comes into work when it feels like it. 
8. My dick is so big, it plays golf with the president 
9. My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph. 
10. My dick is so big, it has an agent. My dick's people will call your people. Let's have lunch with my dick. 
11. My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow. 
12. My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor. 
13. My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.14. My dick is so big, it lives next door.
15. My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third 16. My dick is so big, it votes. 
17. My dick is a better dresser than I am. 
18. My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal. 
19. My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures. 
20. My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run. 
21. My dick runs the 440 in fifteen seconds. 
22. My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob. 
23. No matter where I go, my dick always gets there first. 
24. My dick takes longer lunches than I do. 
25. My dick contributed $50,000 to the Democratic National Committee. 
26. My dick was once the ambassador to China. 
27. My dick is so big, it's gone condo. 
28. My dick hit 370 in the minors before it hurt its knee. 
29. My dick was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn't want a bigger dick than he was on the team. 
30. My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler. 
3 I. It's so big, when it rains the head of my dick doesn't get wet. 
32. My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I' wasn't so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing my- sel£ 
33. My dick is so big, I have to use an elastic zipper. 
34. My dick is so big, it has feet. 
35. My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it. 
36. My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me oft: 
37. My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days. 
38. My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms. 
39. My dick is so big, it has investors. 
40. My dick is so big, it seats six. 
41. My dick is so big, I use a hula hoop as a cock ring. 42. My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole. 
43. My dick is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake. 
44. My dick is so big, it has an opening act. 
45. My dick is so big I can fuck an elevator shaft. 
46. My dick is so big, it has its own Wheaties box. 
47. My dick is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings. 
48. My dick is so big, the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through. 
49. My dick is so big, every time I get hard I cause a solar eclipse. 
50. My dick is so big, it only plays arenas. 
51. If you cut my dick in two, you can tell how old I am. 
52. My dick was once set on fire for a Dino DiLaurentis movie. 
53. My dick is so big, it needs an airplane warning light. 
54. My dick is so big, Trump owns it.
55. My dick is so big that we're all a part of it, and it's all a part of us. 
56. My dick is so big, I can never sit in the front row. 
57. My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick. 
58. My dick is so big, you can't blow me without a ladder. 
59. My dick is so big, it only does one show a night. 
60. My dick is so big, you can ski down it. 
61. My dick is so big, it has an elbow. 
62. My dick is so big, I have to check it as luggage when I fly. 
63. My dick is so big, it has a personal trainer. 
64. My dick is so big, that right now it's in the other room fixing us drinks. 
65. My dick is so big, it has a retractable dome. 
66. My dick is so big, it has stairs up the center like the Statue of Liberty. 
67. My dick is so big there's a sneaker named "Air My Dick." 
68. My dick is so big, I'm its bitch. 
69. My dick is so big, it's against the law to fuck me without protective headgear.
70. My dick is so big, I could fuck a tuba. 
71. My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it. 
72. My dick is so big, it has its own gravity. 
73. NASA once launched a space probe to search for the tip of my dick. 
74. My dick is so big, it's impossible to see all of it without a satellite. 
75. The inside of my dick contains billions and billions of stars. 
76. My dick is so big, it has a spine. 
77. My dick is so big, it has a basement. 
78. My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.
79. My dick is more muscular than I am.
80. My dick is S9 big it has cable. 
81. My dick is so big, it violates seventeen zoning laws. 
82. My dick is so big, it has its own page in the Sierra Club calendar. 
83. My dick is so big, it has a fifty-yard line. 
84. My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a blow job in Tennessee. 
85. My dick is so big, Las Vegas casinos fly it into t town for free.
86. My dick is so big, I can braid it. 
87. My dick is so big, that when it's Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it's Central Mountain Time at my balls.
88. My dick is so big, I painted the foreskin red, l white, and blue and used it as a flag. 
89. My dick is so big, I can sit on it. 
90. My dick is so big, it can chew gum.
91. My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the " summertime. 
92. My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand there and argue with the doorman. 
93. My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company. 
94. My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls. 
95. My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school. 
96. My dick has an elevator and a lobby. 
97. My dick has better credit than I do. 
98. My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum. 
99. My dick is so big, it was once overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick. 
100. My dick is so big it has casters. 

Sex Positions

Rat Tail
When you wake up in the morning and a used condom is hanging out of your ass, thus creating a tail. 

Reading the Defense
The concept of a guy making a split second decision when in a situation to score with some chick when out without his girlfriend/wife. "Reading the Defense" refers to making all of the proper "game time adjustments" not to get caught cheating later on at some point. Having Beer Goggles makes it very hard to Read the Defense.

Rear Admiral
An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun to watch her face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.

Red Wings
Another name for navigating the moose knuckle with your tongue while discovering the girl is on her rag. Be a real man and earn your red wings soldier!

Relative Humidity
That first drop of sweat that rolls off your balls and down the crack of your cousin's ass while you fuck her.

Reltny
In a man's restroom, the urinals often contain salt or deodorant tablets. A reltny is someone who sucks on them.

Resuscitation
When a girl is asleep, carefully open her mouth so that she doesn't awake. Then, squat over her face and carefully place your shit hole on her lips. When the time is right, you let rip the biggest, baddest fart ever known to man and see if it wakes her up. Great fun during those long sleepless nights.

Reverse Snowball
Eating a girl's pussy after some other stiff just got done cumming inside her. Of course your dumb ass didn't know about it in the first place, but you kind of deserve it for eating that stinky, jizzy pussy anyway.

Rim
The outer, often wrinkled and dark brown edge of the shit shoot. The art of exploring this prune-like orifice with your tongue is known as "rimming". To have this done to you would be to receive a "rim job" (also known as "ANAL TONGUE DARTS").

Roddy Piper
When getting your girl from behind, you toss the sleeper hold on her and knock her out a'la Rowdy Roddy Piper. While nailing your unconscious victim, you get to simulate your life long dream of necrophilia. Now you never have to break into the morgue again.

Rodeo
Similar to the Bronco. You start once again, banging a chick from behind. At a pre-arranged time you grab her hair with one hand just as several buddies bust into the room. See if you can hang on for 8 seconds cowboy. Yee Haw! Also known as "Raging Bull"

Rose Creeper
Seductively brush a beautiful long stem red rose against your sweetheart's neck, breasts, and inner thigh. Slowly rub the rose along her smooth skin as you tenderly kiss her entire body. After working her into the mood for some deep love making, unzip your fly and pull out your raging boner. Begin to punish-fuck her dumper while whipping her with the rose and screaming nasty obscenities at her. I bet she never saw that coming.

Rot Bush
The nasty patch of overgrown hair on a whore who has never trimmed or shaved it. Because of that it stinks and it's all wiry since it's been unkempt and endured over 100 periods and 1,000 fuck sessions.

Rudolph
When banging a girl on the rag, pull out your blood stained cock and smear it across the chick's nose thus painting it bright red and making her look like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Works great at Christmas time.

Sacking the Cook
A code phrase between guys to let your friends know you've just received a blow job. For example, "You know Vanessa? She just sacked my cook."

Saluting the Colonel
After ramming your partners ass, you notice a kernel of corn on the head of your cock. 

Samoan pile driver
This is for all you sadistic-masochistic wrestling fans out there. This sexual position occurs when you pile drive your partner while receiving head. This process is
repeated while screaming, "ABDAY ABDAY ABDAY, HA!" Repeat and Rinse.

San Diego Surprise
The act of bringing a girl home and while fucking her, having a friend in waiting enter the room naked in hopes of a consensual threesome. Named by Navy guys stationed in San Diego. Rumored to work about one third of the time.

Sandbag
Under an assumed name in a tropical region, you meet a young hottie and engage in the well known cliché of sex on the beach. Just before insertion remove the rubber
(without getting caught of course), and proceed to bang away until you
blow your load, without pulling out. As you dismount and prepare for departure,
grab a handful of sand, throw it in her eyes, and run away laughing
hysterically while leaving her blinded ,butt-necked, and knocked up. Works
best along with the aid of your old friends, Ruphenol or Liquid G. Also lots of fun
when accomplished during the spring break season.

Sandpiper
A good ass fucking on the local beach, desert, or playground sandbox. Also known as the "Sandblast".

Santa Cruz
A timeless classic. Take a surfer girl, cover her in Mr. Zoggs sex wax, then proceed to beat her senseless with a surfboard. Once she's passed out, you jerk off on her face, stand with one foot on her, hold your hands in the air in the "hang ten" sign, and shout, "Yar, Dude!"

Santa Fe
Going on a trip and nailing some skank at every stop.

Sardine
When you're eating out a 84 year old woman's pussy that hasn't been fucked in fifty years and her crusty old clit just breaks off and falls in your mouth. It will taste and look like a sardine.

Scabby
The unfortunate occurrence for a male due to a practice of dry humping in blue jeans sans undergarments. One of the most feared of all sexual accidents. Also known as "Bump-N-Grind Rash"

Screwnicorn
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

Skull Cap
Your sitting on a couch or chair (preferably watching porn). She's in front on her knees with your sack in her mouth. While she is sucking... you are stroking. As you begin your joyous release, grab the base of your shaft and (as hard as you can) tattoo her farhead with your cock. When done properly a full impression of a mushroom should be left on her bean.

Search Party
When you and a partner are searching for a lost load that could be lost in her hair.

Seatbelt
While one fag straddles his partner's cock, he receives a blowjob from the fruitcake on the bottom.

Sharp Shooter
Anyone that can shoot his magic cream with extreme accuracy. You gotta take his word for it, since you don't want him to demonstrate on your chin, unless of course you're into that sort of thing.

Shirley Temple
Pouring a can of 7-Up on a girl's menstruating pussy and eating her out.

Shitty Breakup
When you wanna dump your girlfriend in a mean way you fuck her in her ass and then make her give you a blowjob. Then after you cross the finish line you simply say, "Look, we gotta talk...".

Shocker
The shocker is performed by inserting one of your fingers into your partner's asshole in a rotating manner. Should be done with plenty of lubrication.

Shop-Vac
When a dirty, talented tramp stuffs you're entire package (balls and all) into her mouth, and blows you with amazing suction power.

Shrimping
The act of shooting a huge load in your partner's ass and then sucking the contents out with a straw. 

Silent Alarm
You are banging a girl and you hear her husband pull up in the driveway.

Skiing
While facing in the same direction, a girl gets between two guys and jerks them both off, thus imitating some hardcore cross-country action.

Sleeping with the Fishes
A female version of the wet nap that is accomplished by rubbing her stank-ass twat all over a guy's pillow. See also "Wet Nap"

Slumpbuster
When a professional athlete finds the dirtiest, nastiest, fattest, most disease-ridden skank and puts the wood to her with the intent that it will break up a slump.

Smiley Game
This game involves a bunch of men sitting around a table at their favorite bar and a woman giving random blowjobs underneath the table. Anyone who smiles has to buy a round of beer for the rest.

Smuggling a Yo-Yo
Another term for camel toe/bear claw with the exception that you can actually see the outline of her lips through her pants.

Snerd Nergling
The act of moving your anal lovers' turds around within his/her lower intestine with your dick. Really popular with the lavender boys, hence the expression, "Oh Lance, Nergle me you Snerd"...

Snoodling
When an uncircumcised homo pulls his extra foreskin over the cock of another homo and proceeds to jerk him off. Those gays have way too much free time. Can be used at as a great derogatory term as in, "You Snoodler!".

Snowball
Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.

Snowmobile
When plugging a girl while she's on all fours, reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.

Snuff
Lovingly fuck the shit out of your virgin or raggin' girlfriend and wipe your bloody member across her face. Take a couple Polaroid's, show them to your friends, and brag that you're a snuff film superstar.

Southern Trespass
The Southern Trespass most frequently occurs when an over zealous (drunk) man is involved in intercourse with his lady friend. Through lack of concentration, lack of coordination, or simply because he wants to do it, the man quickly switches from the woman's vagina to the corn hole, without missing a beat. If executed properly, this act catches the female by complete surprise, stunning her like a cattle prod to 
the ass in a rain storm. No matter how long the man reaps the benefits of 
his efforts, he can now be content with the fact that he has committed the 
coveted Southern Trespass.

Spoiler
The historic conquest of de-flowering some guy's fiancee no more than one week before the wedding day.

Spoiler with Cheese
Brutally sodomizing the shit hole of some guy's fiancee no more than one week before the wedding day.

Squeegee
When a girl's pussy gets to wet because you are fucking her good, pull out and wrap fingers around the base of your cock and move up to "squeegee" off the extra moisture so you can last longer in the saddle.


Stowaway
When you meet a tasty tourist, take her home and fuck her, unwittingly leaving her knocked-up. She soon leaves, unbeknownst to her that she's carrying a small castaway.

Straighten the Arrow
When you think one of your buddies is turning a little fruity, or you think he might be bi-curious or worse yet gay, just get all of your straight friends together and kick the living shit out of him. Fancy name for tough love.

Stranger
Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off; eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

Stranger on the Rocks
Sticking your hand in a bucket of ice and then jerking off. Spanken not stirred.

Strangers in the Night
When you and your gay buddy each numb your hand (you should know how by now) and spank each other off. Thus eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else, from someone else.

Stingy Nut
When a chick isn't worth fucking; pull down her pants, bend her over, and jerk off all over her ass.

Stuffing the Cat
While fucking one of those loose-as-a-goose cunts, you stick random objects (fingers, dildos, TVs, lampshades, etc.) to tighten it up so you can achieve orgasm.

Stumpin
(caution, this move requires imagination and balance). As you hover over a quadruple amputee, carefully insert what's left of her arms up your ass while using her knarled thighs to whack off. This should produce a stream of spunk which should land where a normal persons feet would be. You've now been stumpin.

Submarine Races
When you and a friend get together with two chicks and see who can get their girl off first.

Sud n' fud
When trying to bang a girl, she gives that same old story, "I'm not that kind of girl.", "I don't fuck on the first date.", "I'm catholic.","Stop asshole.", etc. etc... After
hearing all this bullshit, you whip out your handy bar of soap. Then lather up
her armpit (or any other joint you prefer), and proceed to fuck that instead.

Surfing
This happens when you nail a fat woman. As you watch the rippling effect of her rolls with every thrust, along with the feeling of being drenched, off balance, out of
control, and in danger, you are given the sense of riding the ultimate wave.

Surprise Party
This act works best on a girl who specifically tells you NOT to cum in her mouth during a blowjob. However, right before you unload, hold her head firmly in place so she can't escape and yell, "There's a party in your mouth and I'm cumming" and proceed to paint the inside of her mouth a nice milky white. As she gags, spits and curses at you, point at her and laugh hysterically.

Swimmer's Ear
When a girl is giving you a good sucking and right before you erupt, you remove yourself from her mouth, place your purple head in her ear, and fill her ear with some sweet love seed. Hopefully, you will give her an infection.

Table Time
This is when you are bending someone over a table doggy style, and right as you are about to cum in the heat of the moment you ask them "What time is it?" When they look back at you confused and say, "What?" You then slam their head into the table and say "It's Table Time Beeeiotch!!!"

Tailgate Party
Jacking off before you see the bitch you are going to fuck.

Taint
The spot between a woman's cunt and her asshole. Called the taint because "taint her twat, taint her asshole". Also known as the chinrest.

Target Practice
When she takes it out of her mouth while 69'ing, shove her nose in your ass hole.

Tea Bag
A sack like structure containing a guy's fat balls that is attached to his 
massive unit and is stuffed into the mouths of young girls to make them make a "wamuphm" like noise. Also known as "Tea Bagging"

Team Player
Some slut that has been nice enough to fuck you and all of your friends.

Tennessee Tea Bag 
This act requires some additional tools: a handset from your neighbors phone, a rubber mallet from his tool box, and while your in his garage you might as well take his softball. These objects or ones similar should work well. Oooh ya don't forget a piece of lemon. As she lies on her back, you straddle her on your knees. Once your facing your opponents hairy patch, start to shove one object at a time into her hole (unlubricated works best). The pain or the embarrassment should keep her mouth open for quite a while. By the time you get to the softball she should be ready. While crouching over her proceed to dip your nuts into her mouth. Bite some lemon while doing this and continue the process. You are now tea bagging the slob.

Three-Tard
When a group of retards go at it. Usually found in group homes for special people.

The Gummy Bear
Best performed on a sleeping grandmother. While the old bag is in a pharmaceutical haze with her teeth in a glass, straddle her wrinkled mug and jam your naughty boy down her throat (through her gums) blowing your jack down her withered esophagus. If she wakes up, just tell her she forgot to take her pills and you were helping her. A fun variation on this is to turn around just as she wakes up, put her dentures in your ass and start screaming at her like a wild talking asshole (which, of course, you are).

The Mugger
Some how your cock ends up in some hogs mouth and an unwanted thumb ends up in your chute. You retaliate back at your opponent by releasing a gust of swamp ass. You can guarantee that she would have rather been hit in the face with pepper spray.

The Pitchfork
Pick up any Stevie Wonder lovin' blind slut... and while your fucking her dog, beat her senseless with that ridiculous cane. Because you're definitely gone straight to hell!

Tickle Me Elmo
When the chin hairs of a skanky bitch tickle your nutsack during fellatio. Not about to start a Christmas time craze any time soon.

Tilty
While hitting it doggy style, the pussy smells so bad that you have to tilt your head back to avoid the stench.

Titanic
Any slut who goes down first time out.

Tortoise
When you eat out someone who doesn't have pubic hair yet - i.e. you got there before the hair (hare) did.

Toe Jam
When some skank insists on playing "footsies" with your cock and you reward her by spraying a heaping helping of ball juice all over toes.

Tonsil Gag
This is when your cock is buried so deep in a girl's mouth that when you cum, your semen bypasses her mouth region altogether and instead deposits your jizz all over her tonsils and esophagus instantly triggering her gag reflex.

Top Shelf
Next time you're at the house of someone you hate, take a wicked shit in the top part of the toilet. They'll go insane trying to figure out where that stench is coming from. Also known as "Upper Deck."

Topeka Destroyer
The act of vomiting directly onto your partner's head while receiving fellatio. (Also known as "Cold Lunch")

Tossing Salad
A common prison act where one person basically chows asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available. (i.e. mustard, jelly, syrup, olive oil, etc.) I'm never going to prison.

Trifecta
Screwing 3 women in the same night without any of them knowing about the others. Showering in between is strictly forbidden.

Tropical Wind
When getting your asshole eaten out by a worthless tramp, you break wind.

Trunk Butt
An asshole that's been fucked so many ways, the insides of the colon begin to protrude out.

Tucked In
When your father or other male relative stops by your room at night to, "tuck himself in."

Tupperware Party
When thee guys are triple-teaming a chick...one with his penis in her mouth, another in her vagina, and the third in her anus. So named because she is sealed 'airtight'.

Turkish Prison
Where you are so desperately horny you will nail anything without the need for alcohol, dates or nerves. "He's so bad off, he's in a Turkish prison."

Turkish Shampoo
After you've blown the load from a good blowjob, while the woman is licking your sack, you dribble a nice smooth stream of piss into her hair. If done right, her head will be totally soaked before she realizes it

Tuna Melt
You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be that time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.

Turkey Shoot
When you're cumming, cum on her face and let it drip off her chin so it looks like that red shit on the turkey's chin.

Twinkler
When you are 69-ing and she gags on your member and you can 
see her bung-hole pucker up.

Twisted Sister
Have your dominatrix girlfriend dress up in some hot black leather gimp wear and proceed to handcuff your hands behind your back and then force you to your knees. Unsuspecting, diminutive, and cradled over with your ass is in the air, she then gives you the most erotic enema of your life. Now that's some great S&M fun.

Valsalva
The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman's nose while receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of engagement will be ahead.

Vegetarian Hot Lunch 
A variation upon the "Hot Lunch" in which the diner stretches a piece of saran wrap over her mouth before defecation begins such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with the shit product occurs.

Wake up call
Waking up in the middle of the night with the hard on of your life. You then turn to your fast asleep partner and dry fuck her ass into oblivion. The clincher to performing a wake up call is to act like nothing of the sort happened in
the morning e.g. "Sweetheart, what's that on your back?

Walk of Shame
When all of your buds see you walking home in the morning from the house of the nasty bitch they begged you not to fuck the night before.

Walrus
After spunking in a gir'ls mouth, you pinch the center of her two lips together and hold her nose. This will force the cum to dribble out of the sides of her mouth, thus the teeth of the walrus.

West Side Glaze
Same as the east side glaze, but the majority of your jizz lands on the left side of her face.

Western Grip
When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use. Hence, western. 

Wet Nap
When you let your load out on a girl's pillow, and then make her sleep on it.

Wink
Related to the "Peek-a-Boo". This is the act of spreading and closing her ass cheeks in a rhythmic, constant motion so that it looks like the brown eye is winking at you.

Winter Bush
Common to the winter months, bush sometimes grows wild during that time.

Wizard's Sleeve
Another word for a large cavernous vagina.

Wooden Indian
Next time your banging a gook, stuff an old dime store wooden Indian up her cunt 'till she's dead. Then throw her in front of a truck. I call this the wooden Indian I think you will too. Great around the holidays. In the event an officer of the law should catch you, just mutter incoherently about Pearl Harbor and Nazis. You're sure to get off.

Woody woodpecker
When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap your cock on her forehead. 

Yellow Bunny
Right before entering a girl's pussy, pee all over her, then proceed like nothing happened.

Zombie Mask
While getting head from your favorite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those "pretty little eyes" when you blow yourload. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good weeks worth of goo,
blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce
the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and
moaning like the walking dead.

Zorch
Someone who sucks farts out of assholes.

3-Eyed Turtle
Basically plug every orifice of a girl in the following manner: thumb in ass, fingers in pussy, and dick in mouth.

3-Way Lunch
Anytime you got three women laid out on your bed begging for some hot muff action. Happens all the time to men in the Miami club scene. Requires much patience.

6 Pack
Have that hooker bitch stand on her head, and stick your thumb in her ass along with your index and middle finger in her puss. Curl fingers so you can feel them against each other and pull up.... thus trying to carry her like a six pack. It helps to
have her drink a six pack before performing the six pack.

6.9
A 69 ruined by a period.

71
Sticking two fingers in a girl's ass while 69-ing.

ABC's
A fairly standard rating system by which all women can be categorized:
A - I'd bang her silly.
B - I'd let her swallow my hot load.
C - I wouldn't fuck her with someone else's dick.

Abortion Pussy
Fucking a girl who's had an abortion within the last week

Access Denied Error
When you and your pal are double-teaming a chick, he's got her from behind, you've got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing you from using that input later. Also known as "Blocking the Box," "Road Closed Due to Bad Conditions."

Ahab 
While fucking your girl doggie style, you suddenly pull out for no apparent reason. When turns around for an explanation, she notices you've jumped off the bed onto a skateboard, holding the mighty dildo-harpoon in hand, cocked and ready to spear her in the ass. You pursue her as she runs out of the house and down the street while yelling, "You're not getting away from me this time, White Whale!"

Air Bag 
While receiving road head, you pretend you've been in an accident and quickly adjust the steering wheel to clamp down on the bitch's neck, then you hit the brakes, forcing her to take that entire dick down her throat. The air bag comes out when she gags and regurgitates all over your lap. Take your seat belt off, jerk off in her face to show her you're glad she survived the accident, and call 911.

Al Bundy 
This activity is recommended for every married scum out there who's trying to do the right thing. While out with the boys you realize that meat melons surround you. To keep your mind off the screaming beaver, go up to hottest hole in your grasp and begin to entertain her with your sharp wit. Classic one liners like "say you're a toilet" & "put it in your mouth" or the always popular "show me your bush" should quickly win her over. The result is consistently a hearty kick to the nuts... and when you untangle them from your intestine, thank her for saving your lousy marriage.

Ambassador
While screwin' some foreign bag with no useful English knowledge (works well with most East Europeans), lean over and whisper in her ear in the most seductive and romantic way possible: "You've got the stinkiest cunt ever!" and see if she notices. 

Anal Boot
When you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock and then the mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or Drinking game.

Andretti
When receiving road head, swerve the car left and right. Her weight shifting will enhance the sensation. Risky maneuver, so it's best if done with a toothless cocksucker and an open road.

Angry dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Ankle Earrings
Pinning your partners legs so far behind her head during sex that it looks like she's wearing her ankles for earrings.

Antlers
Wide, flat, flapjack titties that come to a sharp point at the nipples.

Arabian Goggles
A seldom-seen maneuver involving the testicles where the satchel is spread wide and placed on the face of the woman, thus resting the balls in the eye sockets.

Audible 
When some ditz who's been doing everything short of pulling down your pants and jumping on your cock casually mentions her "boyfriend" right after you make your move. Hence, she actually sees your blitz coming; she decides to change her play at the line of scrimmage. Either way, she doesn't let you go for the sack that easy.

Bait-N'Tackle
This one was used by the sailors from the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely nourished. Gone fishin'!

Ball Sacking
Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Balloon Knot
Another name for a real tight asshole, which kind of resembles a balloon knot.

Bate Rape
The act of furiously masturbating while thinking about a girl who does not like you, a girl who may feel violated by your lusty thoughts and desires. It becomes Bate-Rape when you inform her about your previous night's masturbatory session.

BDS
Ball-Drop Syndrome. This occurs after smoking too much weed. During sex, the balls hit the clit.

Bear Claw
A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain
The skanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Blumpkin
Getting a blow job while you are taking a dump.

BOB-FOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch. Pretty much self-explanatory here.


Boomerang
After spewing your mighty load into a bitch's mouth, she pretends to eat your asshole, but instead spits the jizz up your ass.

Bottle Rocket
Jizz in a girl's beer then let her drink it without knowing about the special treat.

Things Not To Say During Sex

"Oops! It seems to have come off." 

"If you come quick, I can catch the game on TV."

"You look just like your mother."

"You're better than your mother."

"Did you remember to lock the back door?"

"And to think, I was really trying to pick up your friend!"

"You carry on, but do you mind if I finish this book?"

"What's for dinner tomorrow?"

"I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs."

"It's my mobile! I must answer it."

"I can see right up your nose."

"Oh, by the way, the cat got run over this afternoon."

"That boil on your chin looks nasty."

"Did I tell you my aunt Agatha died in this bed?"

"Linda used to do that."

"Do you accept Visa?"

"It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate."

"I keep having fantasies about Barbara Bush,"

"Did I mention the video camera?" 

"Hurry up -this room rents by the hour."

"Sorry about that -must be the baked beans."

"This would be fun with a few more people."

"Try not to leave any stains, OK?"

"I've just thought of the answer to 3 down. I won't be a second."

"Shall! do my impression of Officer Dibble?"

"Do you know the definition of statutory rape?"

"Keep it down. My mother is a light sleeper,"

"I see that mad axeman's still on the loose."

"Is that it? Can I go now?" 

Things a girl shouldn't say to a man during sex: 

"And yet your feet are so big!"

"Don't worry, we'll work around it."

"I guess this makes me the early bird."

"Try not to smear my make-up."

"At least this won't take long."

"I want a baby."

"Do you know the ceiling needs painting?"

"Maybe we should call Dr Ruth."

"Is that blood on the headboard?"

"Did I remember to take my pill?"

&q