The Quotes

Well, we finally admitted to ourselves that we do indeed talk more bollocks than Shane MacGowan and an illiterate camel put together. Then we decided to write down all the most funny, insane and occasionally perceptive bits of verbal diarrhoea and put them in this collection. Compiled from conversation held at school, the pub, college, the pub, MSN / chat forums and the pub, showing a worrying obsession with animal sex and Brian Molko (they can’t be connected surely?), here are The Quotes..........

"We are the brainwashed masses of terminal adolescence" - Rachel and Hannah

"Can we fuck yer old man's other leg and stick him in the boot of my new car?" - Sofia

"I feel like hitting them over the head with a spongy mallet" – Fuchsia

"Why does it always rain on me? BECAUSE YOU'RE A WHINGY, UGLY SCOTTISH CUNT, THAT'S WHY!!" - Kasper

"I just found sparkly silver jeans in a sale! This means I have something to wear while I fix my black cords, and I feel it also promotes me to some sort of 'product of the space age' status. Possibly "space age groupie slag", who will offer zero-G sex to anyone prepared to help clean the cum stains off the ceiling afterwards" - Holly

"I love Busted, I do" - Sofia

"I wish people sent me rodents." [pause] "When I say 'rodents', I mean 'illegal hallucinogenic mushrooms'..." – amoe

"If I had your mind I'd've killed people by now. I admire your self-restraint" - Holly

"Hannah, shut up and listen to me or I'll hit you in the face with my big purple cock" - Sofia

"I'm not talking to you anymore, you infect my mind" – Rachel

"That's completely disgusting, I'm going to have you banished to Planet Yeuuuch for the rest of your life" - Hannah

"Anal sex in Hull is so passé. Anal sex in Grimsby is far cooler" - Tom

"What I need is some homoerotic rats" - Hannah

"If I lived in a world where songs came true, I'd hunt down Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and GOUGE HIS FUCKING EYES OUT" – Holly

"I think I may have some kind of Tourette's..." - Sofia

"I'm going to make a comic strip about what would happen if Pol Pot was a sheep" - Holly

"I listen to The Holy Bible when I'm revising. I first realized this might not be such a good idea when I was making notes for my physics exam and started writing things like 'To find the wavelength of an anorexic...'" – Rachel

"I'd love to be a virgin, it's the last remaining sexual perversion" – Simon

"But oral sex with girls just isn't as hedonistic..." – Holly

"This conversation's too weird for me, I'm going to have to go and do something normal, like injecting liquid LSD underneath my tongue" - Hannah

"I don't understand why people think that innocence is so great: it's just like being stupid, only twee" – Holly

"What you want is a squid in full armour. Causes endless fun at airports, I can tell you..." – Yalson

"Where are my crushed velvet trousers? Oh, I can't find my guitar lead, it's gone wandering down fate's dusty highway..." - Mat

"I need a mission in my life – I need aims, I need goals, I need things to aspire to.... I need alcohol!" - Holly

"The laws of gravity would pull two birds of varying weight to the bottom at the same speed therefore hitting the bottom at the same time regardless of any weight advantages." [pause] "Has anyone seen my life?" - Mat

"I've been in his secret lab and played with his instruments" – Will

"Come to North Wales – you'll leave in a coffin!" – Holly

"It's local terrorism, for local people" – Hannah

"I don't like the way there's a photo of me on the Geography page of the college prospectus. I think it makes me look slightly sad" - Robin

"I'm gonna own a gay club and fill it with drag queens, and I'll be the king! The drag king queen!" - Lizzie

"I am after all, a great big lesbian. But today I feel relatively straight. Maybe it's cos I ate toast for breakfast" - Sofia

"I have an appointment with a headless squirrel" - Holly

"This planet is suffering from an excess of tossers" - Hannah

"Life's just one cowpat after another" - Sam

"You're beautiful, you're perfect in every way imaginable! Of course I don't have a very good imagination..." - Jon

"But cartoon incest is okay" - Hannah

"Ooh, it's quite nice. Oh, my face has gone numb" – Holly drinking Ouzo

"Yeah, you've got to watch out for the jizzing skinheads" – Sam

"She's not technically disabled... just ugly" – Katie

"Exit, pursued by a banana" - Hannah

"It’s like if the Sex Pistols met Placebo in Marshmallow Land" - Rachel

"I'm off to mingle with the homosexuals" - Kasper

"You leave my bum out of this, my bum exchanging days are over." - Jeremy (has he met Kasper?)

"I don’t have any windows. I live in an underground bunker with 3000 tins of baked beans, a scud missile and a mouse called Harold" - Hannah

"I can't talk right now, I'm being a car" - Bryony

"WOW! You can get ELECTRIC tin-openers?" - Rachel

"In some circles I would be considered insane. Fortunately, this is a triangle" - Kathryn

"My mum told me the other day that apparently I was dropped on my head as a baby" - Clare

"If I get polio, you're getting it too, I'm not going to be the only one with one leg" - Chloe

"It could be a kind of evil tonsillitis - like SARS, only crap" - Holly

"I was going to be a doctor, but then I realised I didn't like Chemistry. Or Biology, or medicine, or sick people" - Daisy

"If there was a camera attached to my head, I would be the stable base and the slide would be going up my arse" - Jeremy

"I have come to infest your brain" - Vivien

"We’re like the gothic slutty Mary-Kate and Ashley" - Hannah

"No, use the other end of the lightsaber please" - Ellie

"It's ok, I pissed in my own hair" - Sofia

"Turning the lights on and off doesn't necessarily mean she’s got OCD, she might just have no life" - Hannah

"Zee, if you’re gonna have a threesome with your boyfriend and another girl, you want to make sure the girl isn’t as ugly as you" - Charlotte

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love" - Adam aka Carlos Fandango

"I'm not eating those chips, people won't be able to smell me coming" - Jeremy

"Don't start shagging against the wall again, there's no film left in the camera..." - Hannah

"I've got filo pastry in my bra" - Ellie

"You know, the sheep in Wales are actually quite quiet" - Tim

"I'm not a nationalist, I just think Britain's better than all the other cultures" - Jon

"This can't be a forest, there's too many trees" - Emily

"A badger would eat a crow... it would eat it whole. Without swallowing" - Liz

"If I was only a foot away from Brian Molko... I wouldn't be only a foot away from Brian Molko!" - Rachel

"It looks a bit like a rose... or maybe a psychopathic lollipop" - Hannah (in retrospect I think I may have meant psychedelic)

"I love hoovering... you can chase people with it and hoover the gerbils and stuff, it’s pretty funny" - Richard

"We fed my mate Emily's hamsters vodka because we thought pissed hamsters woud be funny... but it killed them" - Richard (Jesus Christ, someone call the RSPCA. This boy is a danger to animals.)

"They could be masochistic gerbils!" - Kitty (hmm, it seems Kitty is supporting Richard's deplorable violence towards small furry creatures.)

"I did it with a hamster" - Jeremy

"When I was ginger, I was stupid. Now my hair is black, I'm still stupid, but I've been on TV" - Seymour

"I'm not drunk! I'm sober as a plank" - Sofia

Hannah: "I've just realised something really bad... I don't think I've ever spoken to you when I'm not drunk"

Greg: "Oh, so you're not just an idiot?"

"Greg's got enough of a Christ complex already, we don't want to encourage him" - Hannah

"It's what I call the 'If Farrah Fawcett was a Manics fan' look" - Hannah on her hair

"It looks like a duck's arse" - Clare on Hannah's hair

"I like the way he wears the leather trousers with the velvet jacket... it shows complete distaste for any kind of taste" - Rachel on Greg McDonald

"When did everyone on here suddenly turn into a psychiatrist’s wet dream?" - Yalson on the Miss Black America Guestbook

"When we were making our porno movie with the camels..." - Hannah

"I need a wee... do you have a lighter?" - Sofia

"Sofia appreciates my pelvis" - Hannah

"Brief Encounter... is that the one with the aliens?" - Katharyn

"I bought my gran a pogo stick" - Chris

"Oh my God look at that guy over there with the orange hair. He's dressed really weird. Like a slutty Marilyn whatshisface. Yeah that one, the big one. With the orange hair, and the gang of mean looking mates. He's really ugly too, orange is sooooooo not his colour. Oh look he's coming over!" - Poppy Goes To Camden

"Was it a homosexual chicken?" - Rachel

"If chickens were really free range they would have the freedom to dye their feathers purple" - Fiona

"What is that lion doing in my fridge? I thought it was a really hairy fruit..." - Jooles' Mum

"Why do you insist on sticking druggies on your wall??... He doesn't know if he should be a she... Oooh it looks ill" - Zoey’s Mum, on Zoey's MSP posters

"I think the squids followed me home, I keep hearing a jangling noise" - Sofia

"That's the last time I go out with someone twice my age and half my IQ" - Clare

"What are you drawing? Is it supposed to be Brian Molko? It looks like a lemon with hair" - Hannah

"Why call a spade a spade when you can call it a cheap, easy to use anaesthetic?" - Jeremy

"The bass is a funny instrument... it only has four strings" - Barney

"Everyone thinks I'm a thief... possibly because I steal stuff" - Matt

"A nose is like a badge of coolness. You pin it on every morning" - Rachel

"I’m going to be a desperado when I grow up" - Vivien

"Aragorn’s not boring! He’s got a PAST. And cheekbones." - Rachel

"Miss, what qualifications do you need to be a poledancer?" - Ellie (to a careers teacher)

"I'm a big fan of the umlaut, as it's the only form of punctuation that sounds like it could be eaten for breakfast" - Holly

"It’s quite scary having a cornflake flying into your face" - Hannah

"I'm sorry, I just wiped my cheesy goodness off on your trousers" - Anna

"I think leprosy would be fun, I've always wanted to see what it would be like if my face fell off" - Rachel

"That's it! No more conversations about cum!" - Hannah

"There are only two universal units of measurement - 'the size of a breadbox' and 'about as big as a small cow' " - Katy

"All horn stems from the cat" - Holly

"It's gone all wankified" - Hannah

"I am gonna need so much therapy." - Rachel

"I’m glad I’m not mad." [short pause] "Testicles testicles testicles!" - Vivien

"Eating lettuce is the new sex" - Kasper

"I would look more punk, but my fishnets are in the wash" - Hannah

"I guess that very few fish drown, as that would defy the point of being a fish" - Carlos Fandango

"It's one of those places rock fans go on pilgrimages to, like where Marc Bolan's tree crashed into a car" - Hannah

Richard: "I live and breathe glitter!"

Hannah: "Doesn't it get stuck in your throat?"

"If you were a priest and had to wear a dress all the time, wouldn't you want to build a big penis extension?" - Holly

"I’m teaching you how evolution saved you from having a pelvis that makes you look like a weeble" - Phil

"People take the piss out of me just because I look the result of Quasimodo's marriage to Cruella de Vil and sound like a cross between Frankenstein and that Irish bloke with the fucked up hair cut..." - Ben

"Has anyone got any drugs?" - Greg

"There is a small pregnant rodent in my skull getting larger and larger, and pressing against my skull. I keep expecting to see baby mice shooting out of my nostrils at any second... I will dominate the world with my army of brain rats" - Selina

"I'm sorry love, I don't speak Twat" - Sofia

"Fuck serenity, give me vodka!!" - Richard

DISCLAIMER: