I sometimes feel as if I've already died but the biology hasn't caught up to the spiritual. Trying to tell myself that it's just all bull shit. Hope is great as long as I don't see myself as an idiot.....a rube.....a tool. That seems to have been my life. going from one thing to the next not really getting to know the people around me all's I can do is dig in and wait knowing it's only getting worse. professional and personal life slowly starts to differ. Married to your job is the basic mode I'm in right now. But it's like a very bad marriage where neither individual likes the other. Sure I get my benifits from sticking with it.....personal glory......public apearance.....Social status.........Pain...........Intence never really halting just being forgot till someone can remind me by trying and treating , me like a normal human being. my responce feels like an insult to them but the only thing that could have been done to myself. Hating everything but never really wanting to fall far enough to watch it all burn before me. I hate that but it's all I can do to hold on to sanity anymore. Everyone giving up on me and I can't blame them. So many have reached so far to reach me but it's not working.....My Bad......Social conditioning is the only human interaction I can muster. The only heart to heart talks mustered are "conditioned responces to people who will eventually consider me insignificant"....... Please, I say to them. Let me escape in to a world not of my own creation seperate from this one. A fucking video game. Staring at a screen just like I did as a kid trying to get away from all this bull shit I couldn't take. Stuff an 8 year old shouldn't have to deal with. Critisism as you probably have done already is critisize my delv into insanity...fuck you. this is my day to day life. Everything I am and all that runs through my head "INSANITY"..........Why.....Why.....Why..........
Clearity is beyon me and nothing can hold me to this world.....PAIN......PAIN.......pain.......stop it please.........ramble....ramble......fuck it I don't really care what you think. Intelligence is a form of insanity and greatness a form of denial. I can't be normal I can't be great and I can't be me.....ME...oh fuck woah is me I cry and I weep but I never want anyone to see that. I never want to feel that. I never want to understand that...... they don't. they can't. for a person to function normally they can't. they seriously can't. Survival of the fittest. back in the day a person had to struggle to survive.. except the smart asshole who could live off the toil of others. Monarchy. Republic. Democracy. Theocracy. Comunism. Just more words of someone trying to tell you how it works. The strongest will prevail. Personally democracy feels less like democracy these days. Too much comprimise and not enough persiverance. Let the populace die free instead of live in shackles. How much is enough till you can't even recognize what your forfathers originally sought to achive. I can't stand this overwhelming need to screem at the top of my lungs. STOP IT. Stop lieing, stop hating, Just let it be. Let it all be. Let our kids make their own decitions. Learn to survive instead of just live (fucked up as that sounds trust me I learned to just live and nothing else). Maybe you look at this and see a wako (if you even read this far) or mabe you see a genious who has alot to say. Trust me. I'm at my wits end. I'm not suicidal (My mother gave me that trip senior year) I'm just angry....so angry at everyone and everything that seems so false. Like my family. My friends. I have nothing yet can't gain more and am searching for answers in all the wrong places. I need help. not from you or any of my friends who happen uppon this page. The only thing holding me back is the sheer mistrust of anyone who I preceve that will make this all seem normal.......Make me content instead of happy. Can't describe it really. Been writing this for a few hours now.....I want to escape again......think I will.<!--'"</title></head>-->

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