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April 1st
Happy April Fool's Day Bitches
Friday
The guy who stocks the Coke machine at work needs to be fired. He fucked everything up. I went in the break room today to get a Sprite, cause we got Johnny Carino's for lunch today and Sprite goes really good with lasagna, better than Dr. Pepper or Coke or lemonade or milk. So i put in my sixty cents, which is way overpriced if you ask me, which you should sometime, and i push the Sprite button and instead out comes a Diet Dr. Pepper which totally ruined my otherwise super awesome italian lunch because it turns out that Diet Dr. Pepper does NOT taste more like regular Dr. Pepper, maybe it tastes more like regular dr pepper than milk does, but it still tastes like poop. I don't know how I deal with such stress. Diana tried to get a diet coke but instead got an Orange Slice and had to dump it out in the sink because of cancer which sucks but makes less sense than a chocolate milk commercial and that's gay.
God, if I could sing like Chris Cornell that would rule cause i would go do karaoke like four times a week or maybe more and everyone would cheer and think i'm cool cause i could rock audioslave AND soundgarden songs like a badass and people would buy me drinks and shit and i'd totally score and everyone would look forward to the nights when i'd show up and beg me to do Spoonman.
Did you ever when you were a kid take a flashlight and hold it up to your hand or your scrotum and make your skin all red and see-thru and crazy looking and freak out? Memories like that make me miss my father. I used to like to set stuff on fire too.
For the past year or so I've had this recurring dream. Recurring as it's the same and stuff, but different each time. I always dream that someone that was or is close to me, or not really or never was close to me, or that i hardly knew, if at all, died and I'm at their funeral and somehow i end up at the podium giving a eulogy speech and it's always someone different's funeral. I've eulogized if that's a word and if it is it sounds kinda dirty but i've given that speech at funerals for friends i used to know like ten years ago and haven't seen in like ten years or so and for people i know now and people i've never met like John Travolta. And I usually do a really good job cause it turns out i'm a much better public speaker in my dreams than i am in real life and i talk about what a great person they were and how they touched my life and the lives of others and tell funny stories and reflect on how much they'll be missed and people cry and afterwards everyone tells me what a wonderful job i did and that so and so who just died would be so proud if they were still alive. But last night i was at the funeral for my third grade teacher, Ms. Cuda, and i couldn't think of a single good thing to say about Ms. Cuda cause she was a mean old woman and nobody liked her. My most vivid memory of Ms. Cuda was that there was a girl in my class named Virginia and one day I called her Vagina cause i thought it was funny and Ms. Cuda pulled me into the hallway by my ear and told me that only niggers talked like that and if i wanted to be a nigger she'd have to come to my house at night and pee on me while I was sleeping and that scared me. What kind of nice things can you say about a 100 year old racist woman who tells kids she' gonna go piss on them? I couldn't think of anything and through the uncomfortable silence i could hear the people in the church starting to murmur bad things about me and i had to pee really bad and the next thing i know i'm standing at the coffin peeing on Ms. Cuda and the people are all yelling at me, yelling my name and hitting me really hard on the back and then i wake up and realize that i've been sleep walking over at Stephanie's again and i'm in her living room pissing on her purse. I tried to explain the whole thing about how mean Ms. Cuda but i don't think she cared.
I think I need to cut and paste some song lyrics now. I can't pick my favorite Avril Lavigne song so here's the lyrics to Vast - Last One Alive:
There's a place, not that far from here
Where people go, when their dreams have died
As I walk, from these faceless streets
I must be the last one alive
Where are you, you're not with me
Numb my mind with a fantasy
Watching people live and die on screen
Where are you, you're not with me
Where are you, I'm free
You left me high and dry it changed me
You lied to me now I am angry
And if the sun comes in your room
And awakens you from your vanity
You won't find me 'cause I'll be
On top a mountain pissing on your grave
Na,na,na...
There's a place from where I just arrived
And I escaped the one last one alive
Where are you
You're not with me
Where are you, I;m free
You left me high and dry it changed me
You lied to me now I am angry
And if the sun comes in your room
And awakens you from your vanity
You wont find me 'cause I'll be
On top a mountain pissing on your grave
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That song always makes me think of how I felt when Ramona broke up with me before she left for golf camp the summer between junior and senior year because all i wanted to do was get high and skateboard with my friends. It also kinda reminds me of Ms. Cuda cause of the whole thing about pissing on a grave and stuff. Thinking about getting high and skateboarding made me remember that i downloaded six episodes of Robot Chicken last night so i think i'm gonna go smoke a bowl and watch those now.
Peace and chicken grease and performance fleece.
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And other fun stuff.
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Why?
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Test your skills...
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Q: What did 50 Cent say to his Grandma after she knit him a sweater?
A: Gee, you knit?
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Pure Genius.
Another Weatherman
It's Like a Cookie Cutter!
Oh Yeah.
I'm in the pro-cess of switching ISP's right now, so everything hosted by Cumcast will disappear without notice, so, um, yeah. That's why. And stuff.
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Q: What's black, white, red all over, and can't turn around in an elevator?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.
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Nekkid girls smokin' out.
NSFW
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The Nervous Weatherman
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If You Ever Show This To Anyone...
This is what makes the internet so great...
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Or in pillow fights...
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