How to be annoying; 50 Top things to do in an elevator

HOW TO BE ANNOYING Part 1 Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". Drum on every available surface. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Set alarms for random times. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. HOW TO BE ANNOYING Part 2 Wear your pants backwards. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music". Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?) Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. Drive half a block. Name your dog "Dog". Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in people's brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Wear a LOT of cologne. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing". Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy". Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture". Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. Call People On The Phone And Make Cappucino Maker Noises THE END 50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator 1. Make race car noises when people get on and off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!" 4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral." 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce "I've got new socks on." 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons. 25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!"and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" 34. Play the accordion. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"