7-11-03, second post
So why is it that men have the reputation of not liking foreplay? I love foreplay. Wish I could have more. The game of seduction makes life worth living. What’s more fun then to tease and arouse your spouse/lover/partner?

Does this make me less of a man? I don’t think so.

life, is this all there is?
7-11-03 I’m a married man living in a sex less marriage. Every night I cant wait for my wife to go to sleep. This way, I don’t have to have sex with her. Is that what life is about? Why was I in a hurry to grow up? I’m so angry with her. How can I have sex with her? This year we are on target to have sex maybe six times. Our thirties are going by. Does she see this? Can she be comfortable being married, even though we are starting to hate each other? Wow, I said it. It came out. I’m starting to hate her. Little by little I notice myself leaving the room. When she watches tv in the family room I escape to a different part of the house. When she is in town, my wife is asleep by ten. Funny, when she’s on the road for work she will stay out till midnight. Talk about a lack of communication. Each of us, well at least I am afraid to force to issue on top. When I start to bring it up, she calls me a quitter. Something she knows gets my goat. Why is it that she can see how bad we are? We just don’t work together. I feel it. Every now and then the anger explodes. I must clarify, never at her and I would never hit her. However, I do feel it. I can’t sit still. There is no place for the anger to go. Years ago men would go out and kill things. Today, in our society men cant even shout.

up late thinking, 6-11-03
June 11, 2003

Relationships are funny. One has to fully trust the other; however, sometimes that person can make you look like a fool. When you look into your lover/spouses eyes, would you ever want to hurt them? Would you ever want them to hurt you? How does one tell, what is a business function and what is an affair?

As a man, I think that all men want to be loved. Be in a relationship. My theory for those men who are unable to comment, deep down they know the relationship will not work. There are those few who grew up in a broken household and maybe they’re afraid to give themselves to someone. That is how I feel.

It’s strange, as I’m older and finally figuring these things out. While in high school I was a dog. Relationships didn’t matter to me. It was fun (at the time) to have girls in different towns (grew up outside of Chicago). Maybe my current life is part of the “carma” thing. What went around is finally coming back.

My wife acts like a man. She rose quickly and became the ceo of a small (300 employees) company. I’m proud of her. our roles have shifted in a big. I’ve had to learn what to say, and what not to say. When she comes home, what mood is she in, and then deal with it? About ninety percent of the nights she is upset and can be mean. She reminds me of the typical husband of the fifties. Goes to work, comes home has a drink while reading the paper. She has become so blameful and never admits when she is wrong.

She misplaced a pass to use the mass transit and berated me for misplacing it. My ego is strong and let her crap bounce off me. Later she found the pass in her other purse. She didn’t say she was sorry. If I point out that she was blameful, she gets angry.

I think over the years we have just grown to far apart. She is in the mist of a large project and is going to leave the company once this transaction if final. For now I’m planning on leaving her. Getting things ready. For her job I’m not rocking the boat just giving her support. My plan is to see how she is after she leaves the company. It would be nice if she sees how she is acting and how she has changed.

I think that there is too much anger in her. Something happened in our relationship and it will never be the same. To be blunt, I have the gut feeling she had at least one affair. In fantasy it would be nice for her to realize that we are not working, that we are two gears butting and not flowing smoothly. I don’t want to hurt her but just don’t see how she can live like this. Were both miserable, its just hidden. To the outside world she is Dr. Hide, but when she is alone with me she tends to become Dr. Jackal. If we come to the point together, we can divide what we have and not help lawyers become richer.

The funny thing, I’m not scorned or bitter. We just didn’t work out. While riding my motorcycle, I see and talk to other women. There is something magical about looking into a woman’s eyes and talking to her. To have her smile, seeing her face light up. I wont hide from the next relationship, actually I’m looking forward to it. To find someone nice, fun, and build something special.

Maybe I read to many maslow books.