you're my only comfort, the only thought that crosses my mind and keeps me sane when everything seems threatening, seems tempting.

i sleep less and less every night. you would think there will come a day when i just sleep for hours on end to catch up, but there isn't. i slept two hours last night. i think i like the raw feeling of lack of sleep. i like knowing that my body is running on empty. i like knowing that i'm pushing myself physically, hurting myself. but then again, i prefer consciousness over my hellish dream state. at least i can control the images that rush through my mind more so.

i've been busying myself. little things. just so that i'm preoccupied so not to have time for my mind to wander. to question.

you're my only comfort.

make me smile. ..

i cry nightly. reanalyzing everything, every minute detail, every moment from the biggest to the smallest. and i still do not know how i've gotten to this point. and then i cry. and i replay moments as the memories flood through my mind. and i reassess everything. and i still do not know. then i cry. and i try to imagine how things should be. and then i cry ever so much harder. muffling my cries so not to be heard. and this is how i tire myself so that i may fall unconscious. i am tortured by the night. and yet i am benighted infinitely.

<3