This week I have begun my last semester here at Ross. I got back from break on Sunday, and the last 2 weeks were nothing less than an emotional rollercoaster. On my first day home I found out that my mother had breast cancer. Only a short week later, I was accepted to the clinical program at the University of Pennsylvania. I got to spend some time with new friends, as well as old ones.

And without all the stress of school clouding my mind, I was able to focus on myself for the first time in a long time. What I want in my life...what I don't want...where I'm going...how I've grown as a person. And for the first time in a long time, I've started to feel something again. For the last few years of my life, I didn't feel much of anything. I felt trapped in my own life. But now with the promise of a new begining next January, the start of a new life, I feel as if I am free to do anything. A few months ago, the thought of being alone really scared me. But I've learned that you must be responsible for your own happiness. And now with the promise of my clinical year, I am one step closer to making all my dreams come true. This is something that did not happen on its own...it did not happen by luck, or by chance. I was given this opportunity because I made it happen myself. I have learned to have faith in myself over the last 2 years, and that is one of the most important lessons that I have gained from vet school. And I also continue to have faith in the fact that every ending is also the beginning of something new...and hopefully something better.

First off, I am officially in 7th semester! I got my final grades yesterday, and did more than just pass....i did really well! What a relief.

The bad news of course is that I am still stuck on this damn island! I was supposed to be leaving Saturday at 7 AM and they canceled my flight because of the tropical storm. Now I am leaving on Tuesday because all the other flights before that are overbooked! St. Kitts is never going to let me leave! Oh boy. I miss New York more than ever. But at least I have my one-way ticket outta here December 14!!!!

I know that the number of people who really care about what i write on here are few and far between (and the ones who do- you know that i appreciate you reading this stuff, and you're the ones who matter most to me! you know who you are ^_^) .....but today was a bit of a crazy day, and I had alot on my mind, so that's when i like to write down (or type down) my thoughts....it helps to clear my head.

Of course I'm right smack in the middle of exams, so I had my infamous Large Animal Medicine exam today (horses! probably my least favorite animal)....and I'm a small animal person (total cat person here...and german shepherd person, haha)...not exactly how i wanted to begin my friday the 13th morning. The fun actually began in the afternoon. I had surgery. It was an ear surgery that I have never done before, so that was exciting. A vertical ear canal resection. I really enjoyed it.

Then i came home after a long day at school, and I got to talk on the phone to 2 of my bestest girlfriends, and that was great. I was feeling stressed this week about my exams, surgery, and some personal stuff too, and it's always a comfort to talk to the people who matter the most in my life. You both made me feel so much better about my silly worries :) You always know what to say to bring me back to reality.

I guess sometimes it just helps to hear someone else say it. Like, "It sounds like you don't really know what you want right now". Or "You're still not over it." Or "These things take time." Even though we are aware of something, sometimes we don't truly realize it or accept it until we actually hear it. Then it all makes sense. "Don't worry. It will happen for you one day. When you're least expecting it". Thanks girls!   >(^_^)< 

Over the past few months I've been thinking alot about how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends. I guess sometimes we take the people in our life for granted and don't really stop to appreciate them as often as we should. It was only when I was recently going through a really tough time in my life that I realized how lucky I am. During that time, the ones who were really there for me were my best girlfriends, and without them in my life, I don't know how I would have gotten through this tough time. My relationship had ended, and at first I felt so alone, but then I quickly realized that I really do have so much love in my life, and I am far from being alone…and I'm so grateful for that. Before that happened, I was missing everything that was right in front of me…I didn’t really see what I truly had, but now I’ve realized that I had people who really did love me, in the truest sense of the word. And lately I've been thinking about how each one of you have brought so much happiness into my life.

Melissa: My Sanrio BFF! Italy brought us together so many years ago, London made our friendship even stronger...and our mutual love of Hello Kitty has set our friendship in stone :) Whenever I am with you, I am always laughing and having the best time ever. You are the most cheerful person I have ever met, and you are truly one of a kind. Don’t ever change! We have had so many adventures, and I know that we will continue to have many more. You are my true forever friend!

Sharon: What can I say? I consider myself so lucky to have you in my life. Even though we have only known eachother for a year and a half, I feel as if we have been friends for ages. I have never hit it off so quickly with anyone as I did with you. We are true kindred spirits, and we are so much alike, it's sometimes scary! Thank you for always being there for me, especially during the last few months. You were truthful with me when no one else was, even though it meant putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation, and for that I am so grateful. At a time when I was betrayed and found it difficult to trust anyone, I knew I could always trust in you. You are such a wonderful person, and the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for...don't ever doubt that for a second. As you know, in my ideal world, we will live next door to eachother, have our animal hospital/shelter together, and our kids will be best friends! I believe with all of my heart that fate truely brought us together, and I know that we will remain the best of friends for the rest of our lives. And just keep remembering…I’ll meet ya in PA!

Angela: We have been close friends for so many years now, that I consider you family. You have been there during every significant event in my life since I was fifteen…from my first boyfriend, my first drive on the NJ Turnpike (to go see Edna’s Goldfish!), to high school graduation, to college graduation, through bad break ups, hundreds of concerts, crazy hair dying, lots of Cosmopolitans, vacations, and everything else in between. Through the years, we have both changed and grown, and I feel as if we have grown up and matured together. And I know we will continue to do so forever.

Sara: Last but most certainly not least. Someone once said that you and I are “soulmates”, and I believe that wholeheartedly. I know that fate chose to bring me to St. Kitts so that I could meet you. Even though we have only known eachother for less than 2 years, you have become so much more than a friend to me. You are my partner in life here on St. Kitts. We have been through so many trials and tribulations here, and have worked together in so many ways to make it through the last five semesters. You have been there for me through it all…through tough classes, labs (anatomy!!!), bad grades (physio!!!), relationship problems, blackouts, “freakouts”, tropical storms, centipedes...and most importantly, illness. You have loved and accepted me, even though I know it has been very difficult at times, and you have taught me so much about myself in the process. I wouldn’t have wanted to experience vet school with anyone else. What the hell am I going to do without you next year in clinics?! :)

Tomorrow starts week 4. This semester is going pretty fast so far, but of course it never goes fast enough. I already find myself thinking about next break, and the things I'd like to do while I'm home, the people I'm looking forward to seeing, and it's a bit too early for all that.

Last friday was my second surgery lab. It was a suturing lab, and we used a cadaver to practice. It was exciting because I scrubbed in for the first time, and when I walked into the OR and looked around at all of us at our surgery tables, it made me realize how far I have come. A lot has happened in my life since I first came to Ross. I've learned how to adapt to life in a new country. I've learned so much about myself and my own capabilities. I've lost people that were important to me, either through death, or betrayal, or just because a person was not the one that was truly meant for me I guess. But at the same time, I have also gained so much in the last two years...people just as important. I have rekindled old friendships, and made new ones...some are still very new and will continue to develop if I am lucky, and some are already so strong that I know they will last forever.

 I have progressed so much...both in school and in my own life, and I am only going to continue moving forward. When I first started vet school, I never even imagined getting to 6th semester, and now I'm actually here, about to start doing surgery. It's all very exciting. It also marks the begining of the end, which is even more exciting.

Today I had my first surgery lab. We haven't done much yet....today we learned how to scrub in, gowning, gloving, and getting our instrument packs together and ready. But I had one of those "I'm in vet school" moments. And that's what keeps me going these days. With only a few more months to go until I'm done at Ross, sometimes it's hard to stay focused. Sometimes I just find myself thinking about clinics, and what I'll be doing in my life after Ross, and that can get in the way of studying. It's like a bad case of what they called "senioritis" when I was in high school. But days like today keep me motivated to keep on going with it, and to just stick it out for the next few months.

Next Friday we will have our second lab, and we will be doing a cadaver surgery. It's like a mock surgery....we will be scrubbing in and using aseptic technique, even though the dog is dead. It's good practice for the real thing....which will come in a few weeks! I'm getting really excited to do my first real surgery. I'd better start practicing my knots and suture patterns...

Everything happens for a reason. Everyone has heard this before, and I think most people believe that it is true. I think I do. And I think that life is a series of "learning experiences". But for how long? When do you know that you have learned "enough"?

In December, I will leave Ross University, and move on to my clinical year. I guess that after 7 semesters here, I have learned "enough". And then in December of 2008, I will graduate vet school, and be a doctor. So one day, I will be a student, and then the next day, I would have learned enough to be called a doctor. Believe me, I'm glad to be close to completing vet school, but who's to say that this exact amount of days will be enough to teach me to be a good doctor? Isn't each person different...don't some people require more time to learn things than other people? Well, I guess that's why some people that started out in my class in 1st semester are not here anymore. They failed. But in life, where there are no professors grading you and telling you that you know enough to progress to the next step in something, how do you know?

After learning enough things the hard way, you begin to become more and more careful. Some people are stubborn I guess (like me) and it may take those people a longer time, but eventually I think everyone reaches a point in their life where they feel like enough is enough....I've learned enough from my past experiences, isn't it time for me to just get it right?? I'm almost 25, and sometimes I just feel like I'm back to square one. Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily complaining...a person needs a fresh start once in awhile....but sometimes, it can just be a bit frustrating. Sometimes you try so hard to make something work, and you put so much effort into it, and then you end up with nothing. But we don't reallyend up with nothing i guess. We end up with a lesson learned, right? But sometimes you just get sick of learning. Especially when you are a vet student. I know life is a learning experience in general, but I'm learning new stuff at school all day long, and I'm ready to just get out there already and apply this stuff for god's sake!

Which brings me back to the idea of enough is enough. I guess we don't ever really know for sure. I guess we just need to have faith that we will finally reach a point when we will make a good decision, and it will finally work out for us. We will make the right decision, and the learning process (at least regarding that one specific aspect of our life) will be over. I guess the trouble is that all those other times in the past, we thought that we were making the right decision! Hind-sight is 20 20. And life will always be full of questions and doubts I guess. But at some point, the doubt will be lessened a bit, because we will finally make that blind leap into the next step, and for once things will turn out ok. I am really looking forward to that day!

I just survived my first week of 6th semester, and it already feels like I've been back for months! I also just got my plane ticket home for next break...but I'm not going to start counting the days until at least week 3 or 4. If I can hold out ;)

When I first started vet school, I never thought this day would come...it seemed so far away! 6th semester kind of marks the beginning of the end...the homestretch. And here I am, finally. The past few semesters have gone by quickly and slowly at the same time. During this first week of the semester, I have felt both excitement and apprehension. Excitement for starting surgery, and completing my second to last semester at Ross. And apprehension from the thought of being put to the test, and challenged more than I have probably ever been challenged in the past. It's fear of the unknown, more than anything else. The fear of being questioned, being criticized by my professors. The fear of going into something headon, and having no idea what to expect, or how I will perform, or if my performance will be good enough. I know what it feels like to suture a piece of fabric, but what will it feel like to suture a cadaver....and then a live dog? What if the unexpected happens....will I be able to think quickly enough? Am I really ready for this? Sometimes I really feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. And then other times, I feel like I'm right on the ball. Next year, when I am dealing with real cases, real clients, will I be able to make the transition from student to doctor?

It's just so scary sometimes. Being a student has a certain sense of safety. I am not expected to know everything. I am still learning. But once I'm a doctor, clients will expect me to always know the answers. I cannot wait to get out there and start working, but at the same time, it's scary to leave the security of being a student. To be out on my own. I try to just have confidence in my abilities and to believe in myself all the time. I keep telling myself, "You came here, to this new country, not knowing a soul...and you have created a life for yourself here. And all on your own." I tell myself that if I conquered moving here, and living here, and staying here, and sticking with it...even when I was tired, and stressed, and homesick, and heartbroken...if I survived all this, then I can do anything. But there are still those moments when I'm sitting in class and a professor asks a question, and I don't know the answer, but a bunch of other students in my class do, and I feel for a split second that I don't belong here. Then the professor asks another question, and I do know the answer, and I get that "I'm-in-vet-school" feeling. And then it is worth it. The fear goes away for that second.

My ecology professor at Rutgers started off the first day of class by telling us, "You cannot be afraid to fail." We will always fail at some things in life. Some failures will be small and some bigger. Most of those failures will not even be seen by others. They will be personal trials that we will have to overcome in our own minds, on our own. Most "failures" shouldn't even be called failures really. Most of them are just obstacles. But without them, we would never learn, or grow. We would never go to vet school, or fall in love. We would never become doctors, or whatever it is that we have always dreamed of becoming. Our lives would never change. If I just sat around being afraid of the unknown, being afraid that I would fail, then I would never do anything.

So I cannot let those thoughts of fear and apprehension take over. I am still learning. I'm not expected to know everything right now. And that's ok. One day, I will know much more than I do right now. And then days after that, I will know even more. And in between, there will be obstacles, but I have always overcome them in the past. So I guess you need to just have faith in yourself, and expect that there will be obstacles ahead of you. Expect that you're not going to know every answer on your Large Animal Medicine exam, and that you might not know what to do when your surgery dog starts to wake up from anesthesia too early. But have faith that you will know what to do many times, enough times. And if you don't those other times....you will survive anyway, and then learn for the next one.

Today I was thinking about vet school, and how I have gotten to this point. In just three short months it will be a year since I first came to St. Kitts, and I don’t know where this year has gone. Although I still have a lot ahead of me, I feel like this past year has taken me so far, so fast. I feel so blessed and I am so grateful to be here. Many people have trouble even imagining their dreams, and here I am, actually living mine. Since I was a little girl, this is all I have ever wanted. I have never been truly happy unless I was in the company of animals. I feel as if I cannot really exist without them around me. No matter what has happened in my life, or what has changed, or disappointed me…animals, with their unconditional love, loyalty, and acceptance, have always remained, forever unwavering and constant. I have always felt that it was my responsibility to protect them in any way that I could. Innocent and defenseless, they need a voice to speak for them. They need someone to shield them from danger and to fight for them. They need someone to heal them when they are sick, and to relieve their suffering when it is impossible to heal. This is what I work for everyday, and I consider it an honor and privilege to have such a responsibility.