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Dear Alan the Genius,
My 13 year-old son and I are constantly at odds. It seems like every time we are together he is looking for a way to push my buttons. Just yesterday when I told him to come to dinner he yelled from his room, “I’m not eating anything you make because it all tastes like dick.”
I feel like I’m a good father (and at the very least a passable cook), I never hit my son and I’ve provided him basically anything he could ask for. What can I do to bring us back together?
Sincerely,A Good Father
A Good Father,
If you’re writing to me with this problem I’m going to assume you have yet to perform the “Alan the Genius Coming of Age Ritual”. Here’s how you can become closer to your son:
First, construct a mini-sauna with a tap at the bottom. It should be large enough for you and your son to fit inside while standing back to back and that is all. Simply hook your furnace up to your sauna and figure out a way to get your son inside (chloroform?). Stand in the sauna with your son for exactly 3.5 hours. Discuss these three topics: Sports, meat, and babes. Instruct your wife to unlock the sauna after the allotted time. You will then fill 2 pint glasses with you and your son’s sweat from the tap. You will both chug these pints and upon completion exclaim “TO ODIN!” Your son will forever be connected to you through your perspiration and you will no longer need to suffer his teenage-ness.
You’re Welcome,
Alan the Genius
Dear Alan the Genius,
I am a 42 year old man and I’ve been married to my wife for 6 years. Things had been going very well up until a couple of months ago when it appears that she no longer wishes to have sex with me. She is always coming up with excuses like “my head hurts,” or “I’m so tired from work.” This has put quite a strain on our relationship and I’m not sure what to do. Please help.
Sincerely,
Apparently Unattractive
Dear Apparently Unattractive,
First of all, why the hell would your parents name you that? Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. What is it, Eastern European or something? This is probably your first problem.
Your second problem, I’m assuming, is that you are not presenting yourself correctly to your wife. If you are kindly requesting sex from your wife, you’re doing it wrong. Studies have shown (no I don’t have to show them, shutup) that a majority of women look for a dominant man, a man who can kill a rabid wolf with his bare hands and bench press at least 250 pounds. It goes back to when we were cavemen or some shit.
Now, listen to me very carefully – go out, buy yourself a caveman costume. Make sure it’s made of tiger skin, the seduction will not work if it’s not. Approach your wife, grab her forcefully by the nose and grunt loudly directly into her ear. “RUUUUUUUUUUUUUG” is approximately what you should say, but feel free to take some liberties with the pronunciation. She will be so intimated/aroused (basically the same feeling, as studies have shown) that she will no longer be able to resist you. After that, just hang on for the ride, Tarzan.
You’re Welcome,
Alan the Genius