These Are some funny things I found that you
can forward to all your friends!

Things I MUST remember as a dog.....

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up
when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge,
behind the sofa or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur
before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they
eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few
remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house
when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,
crabs, etc. just because I like the way they

9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are
tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins
and then redeposit them in the backyard after

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and
not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens,
especially not the red ones, or my people will
think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on
having the window rolled down when it's
raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark
each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and
dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are
Mom & dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches
in for mom's driver's license and car

20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.

21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of
the bathroom garbage and therefore avoid having a
string hanging out of my butt.

22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt"
as an option after just getting a bath.

23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an
acceptable way of saying hello.

24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I
thought it was the right thing to do.

25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping
on the pillow next to their head.

26. I will not come in from outside and immediately
drag my butt across the carpet.

27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply
and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it
is cleaner.

28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room
and lick my crotch when company is over.

29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can
quickly clear a room.

30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I
play with him and he makes that noise, it's
usually not a good thing.

For modern men, we've compiled a
brief list of those unspoken guidelines. These
rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now
that we've documented them, you can show them
to your wife or girlfriend and say: See,
honey, I'm not the only one who does this stuff...

1. On car trips with the family, never ask for
directions when you're lost. Just keep driving
aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious
Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the
seat of your pants like the great Lewis and
Clark explorers of old.

2. But it's okay to stop for directions when
driving with another guy because he won't sit
patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for
the third time.

3. Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with
the guys in the cars on both sides. It's all
about who's out in front.

4. Even if you don't know a hub cap from a
distributor cap, never admit you're a stranger
to the male domain of auto mechanics. If your
car won't run and you're at a loss for words,
try: Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked
the compression?

5. A real man doesn't need the instruction
sheet to figure out something as simple as
programming his new VCR, but to cook something
as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the
recipe with the exactitude of a chemical

6. Don't confess that you know little, and
could care less, about a particular sport,
especially if it's during the finals: Yeah,
that Bo, he's really something. WOW! Did you
see that hook shot!

7. Never admit you don't understand a
political issue. Opinions are like whiskers.
You're not an adult male without them.

8. There's no need to consult the TV Guide
when there's a remote control handy. Just dive
bomb through all 51 channels, evading
commercials like flak, in the never-ending
search for a suitable landing spot.

9. If you spill something on the floor, clean
it up with a bath towel. It's unmanly to get
down on the floor, so just slop the towel
around with your feet.

10. Never pay one of your buddies a
compliment. Instead say things like, "Where'd
you get your haircut, the school for the
blind?" or "Who is that awesome blonde I saw
you with and what are you going to do for a
date once she meets me?" He'll instinctively
get the message that this means you value his

11. If a man cuts you with one of those
insults, tell your girlfriend that it hurt
your feelings, and you'll come off more
sensitive than Phil Donahue. But never reveal
it to the other guy. For example, "Coach, when
you said I was a low-life turdbrained doofus
for striking out with the bases loaded, it
made me feel small and sad."

12. Never reveal anything about your true,
actual authentic and biological sex life to
another guy unless the guy is a urologist.

13. A man should make as much as or more money
than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as
tall or taller, and at least as smart.
Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in
many activities, from Ping-Pong to chess.
Having met these requirements, he should be
liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.

14. If there are more than two urinals in a
restroom and one is being used, proceed to the
farthest available urinal. If a line has
formed, maintain proper spacing of at least 3
feet back from the guy using the urinal. Above
all, if nothing happens within 30 seconds,
don't just stand there like a geek; shake (3
shakes maximum, anymore and the guy next to
you will probably ask you for a date), zip up
your fly, flush the toilet and walk away.

15. If you can't take it, you're not a man
(whatever "it" might be). Maybe you're scared
of roller coasters, but if your buddies want
to go on one, you'd better gird your loins and
groan through the zero-Gs or you'll never hear
the end of it.

16. Ignore or deny physical pain. As comedian
Billy Crystal reports, "Mike Tyson once hit
Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance
Ann-Margaret did in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he
hurt you, Trevor? 'I was, ah, stunned, that's
all, just stunned.'"

17. Never openly display a broken heart or
discuss it with other guys. That's between
you, your six-pack and your collection of
Frank Sinatra records.

18. Don't tell another man your deepest hopes
or fears. That's like saying, "How do you like
my suit of armor - It's only got two weak
spots in it - here and here."

19. If you want to lose weight, don't even
think about giving up Ben & Jerry's Chunky
Monkey ice cream. Instead, pull on your
running shoes and pound those calories into

20. Every guy should be hip about guns. Hand
an economics professor a Remington, and even
if he's never been within 100 light years of a
gun before, he'll work the action, sight down
the barrel and generally act like a
reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.

21. If your girlfriend is looking on, flip
aloofly through that issue of Playboy as if it
were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue
on Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers,
pause regularly to utter appreciative comments
like "WOW! Check that out!" and if you're
alone, study each curve like a forensic scientist.

22. When shopping with your mate, do not trail
her into the women's lingerie department.
Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace
panties like a mechanic would avoid the
Whirling Fan blades of Death.

Male Bashing Guide
1. Don't
imagine you can change a man - unless he's in

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out?
You shut the door!

3. If they put one man on the moon -they
should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -it's too
little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they
never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different
faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has
missed the opportunity to make some woman

8. Women don't make fools of men -most of them
are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is
to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-

11. If you want a committed man, look in a
mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the
desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times,
men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're
interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean
that you tell him jokes, it means that you
laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

How To Bathe A Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the
toilet water.

3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the
toilet and
close both lids (you may need to stand on the
lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too
close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for anything he can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This
provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to
be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure
that there are no people between the toilet and the
outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the
toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The DOG

Funny Ways To Order A Pizza

1. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

2. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl."

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg. 44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

54. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Holy pizza toppings, Batman!"

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker...Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

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