Spiritually Healthy Thing You Can Do Now That You Are No Longer A Theocratic Addict
From
http://www.virushead.net/exjw.html
"Discover or reactivate your sense of humor. Remember the kingdom song that opened with a few identical bars as the theme for "Loony Tunes" (or is it "Merry Melodies"?) cartoons ("How pleasant to see brothers..all dwell in unity")."
Also see my humor page of what happens when Daria and Jane discover that most of the adults in their town have turned JW.:D
Take The Positive Elements You Got From JW And Build With It
First, the positive things that you carry with you, the things you gained or still believe, such as learnig the belief in this earth being restored rather than holding a belief that Jesus will destroy the earth and wisk the elite off to heaven, the belief of dwelling in unity with animals and nature forever, learning that hell simply means the grave rather than a place of eternal hellfire torment, knowing the difference between patriotism and nationalism, deploring war and killing, having memorized parts of the Bible, having an interest in alternatives to blood transfusions so as to avoid AIDS or Hep B or C.
Using Your Past Experince As A Religious Minority To Your Advantage
"Being a Witness, you experienced being a minority from the perspective of the so-called "mainstream"; being an ex-Witness adds another layer of difference, this time from those who used to hold your difference in a solidarity (remember the self-justifying nature of persecution for the group as a whole). These are positive things that you construct from the negative experience. You may also begin to take more seriously and positively other areas of constructive liberation and freedom. In the best case, you will experience a gradual transition from knowledge, then to understanding, and possibly even to a kind of wisdom."
Do some free research for a change; it is extremely liberating. Go where your questions and problems lead you. If you are disgusted at their subordination of women, read up in women's studies. Check out "What PauI Really said About Women," By John Temple Bristow. Find out about the history of how doctrines arose, and the reasons for that.
And this is OUTSTANDING ADVICE!
"There are other ways to arm yourself with some truth -- just don't believe that anyone has the whole truth."
Don't Jump From Past Extremes To New Ones... "All that you can hope for, finally, is to put together strong truths that hold weight for you and possibly for a community of like-minded others. The truly transcendent truths are very rare indeed, and who has the hubris to claim to have a hold on them? That does not mean, however, that everything is a hopeless chaos. You will have to learn how to tolerate a certain amount of ambiguity. Start small, build your truths on the best knowledge that you can access, digest, and put into your own language, and you will gradually build understandings upon which you can rely."
About Your Family, Marriage, Love Relationships
The destructive tendencies of JWs in these areas can be quite extreme. It seems to be built-in to the either-or mindset of Jehovah's Witnesses (and new ex's) that if you don't follow every rule of the society, then why behave yourself at all? It's a sad person that has to rely on an authority figure to enforce such things. Don't become, "evil ex-Witness." If your family and friends cut you off, just tell them that you love them enough to know that they will always love you too, walk away, and give it some time. You may well need professional help to navigate through all the issues in this area.
Forgive the friends who abandon and shun you. Be aware of the very real likelyhood that will lose most, if not all, of the friends you have within the organization. It's not fair, it's not justified, and it really truly hurts - and they are abandoning you when you probably need them most. But remember that your friends, even your real and true friends, believe that God wants them to cut off contact with you, and they will be punished from within the group if they remain your friend. The fact that this friendship continued for so many years was itself unusual. The few friends you may retain will not want your friendship to be known - and that can't be good for them or you anyway. Forgive them, forgive them, and make new friends.
If you still consider yourself spiritual, figure out how - to be - spiritually healthy. Study world religions and put together your own sense of what religion is to you. To me, religion is always more about ethics and the religious experience than about doctrine. What is important to you? Try spending a few months writing your own spiritual journal. What sorts of stories and metaphors would you use? What is important about life, God, origins, endings, and history? Look at other religions, read stories, talk to people. Be cautious. It may be difficult for a while because your trust in others may have been shattered, the rhetoric may annoy you, or any number of other problems depending on your own personal history of why you are an "ex." You may have trouble finding a common set of ideas, a common language. It might be best just to keep a low profile for a while: listen, observe. And the point does bear repeating: don't just be-wary, but run from groups that build themselves on hate or on dehumanization of any others. Look for a place in which you can thrive and so can others.
Do Not Return Evil For Evil
Resist the temptation to be verbally mean to Witnesses. This will only just hold you back. They mostly mean well, if you remember. If you have to argue, be constructive--start a website, write a book, paint, start a support group, something like that.
Low self-esteem. Look at old Saturday Night Live Stuart Smalley tapes--even if you joke, it works. You are good enough.
Whatever emotional flashbacks you may experience (anger, fear, helplessness, self-righteousness, whatever it might have been), try to insert an awareness of the difference between then and now. Basically, you have to learn to do this if you haven't already or you will be paralyzed. If you start noticing a pattern that hurts you or others, start breaking that pattern any way that you can. This includes lots of addictive stuff; you may try to replace what you had, even if you don't really want to, because it is comfortable. It is what you're used to. However, this is also your chance to start new. You can do it.
Centering your life on your bad experience. Resist the Jerry Springer impulse. Don't run away from what happened or from how you feel, but construct new centers of meaning and identity. If all you do is mull over your trauma or anger, you will live there always, having created your own hell. If you feel that you need, or would find rewarding, some psychological understanding, by all means see a counselor, go to a psychoanalyst, whatever you think will benefit you. Understanding is power. You are now free to find out what it is that you are about and want to do. Go back to school (many of you were not allowed to go to college), learn something new, do the things you wanted to do, or discover some new things you had never considered. Eventually, you will find ways to free yourself and locate your sense of meaning in different places. You will, you really will. Don't give up.
Confusing religion (as it is commonly understood) with ethics, accountability, or religiosity
You will want to trust others, and it is the worst kind of disapointment when someone that appears to be good and ethical treats you unjustly or in some way like a subhuman. Again, despite "knowing better," the assumption, offense, and disappointment may continue to be a configuration that arises. Perhaps the kernel of it is this: Categories are not people. To make ethical and sane judgments about others, it is necessary to "bracket out" as many of your prejudices and idealizations as possible. Remember that everyone is flawed, especially when compared to an idea of human perfection - there is a vast difference between imperfection and malicious intent.
Avoid Thinking in Extremes.
You are not the best person or the worst person, the most attractive or the ugliest, the smartest or the most ignorant. Find new ways to organize how you think about things. To limit your thinking to the standard JW on/off, yes/no, black/white, evil/good creates very destructive cycles.In making decisions and forming new opinions, the best combination of factors takes into account the points of view of others involved, as well as different levels and contexts of ethics toward others. This does not make you weak or wishy-washy, but teaches you that strength is built on compassion and understanding, not only towards others but also toward yourself. In other words, this teaches you tolerance. Many people have had bad experiences with religion. You are not alone, and the JWs are not the worst of the worst. (See my links on Ex-Southern Baptist and Ex-Calvary Chapel members) And if you run into folks who seem to get holyer-than-thou-art with and act like a far right extremist or overly drain your resources, avoid them. Don't make a big deal about it, just walk away.
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