This is the story of my beautiful son Joshua (Josh). Josh was born on May 16th, 1985. He weighed 9lbs and 3 oz. and was 22 inches long. I was a baby when I had him, only 17, but I was determined to be a good mom for my little man. Josh developed "normally" until 4 months of age when he got his first cold. I put him in the bed with me because he wasn't sleeping well. At about 4:00am, something (I believe it was God) woke me and when I looked at my baby boy, his eyes were wide with fear and there was no breath coming from his tiny body! I was terrified! We got him to the ER and he was in a gran-mal seizure. I of course was a nervous wreck. The doctors finally brought him out of the seizure and he was on a ventilator for a few days in ICU. It was a scary situation but Josh was fine. We were told it was probably a febrile seizure and most likely would not happen again. How wrong they were!! Not only did it happen again, Josh continued with many (over 100) seizures in the next 5 years of his life. He now had developmental delays in speech, and delays in gross motor skills. He finally learns to walk at the age of 3 and could say a few words by age 4. He never learned to put sentences together. He was at an 18 month olds level. That was fine because I love Josh more than anything. Then at age 5, my family and me were at the beach, about an hour and a half away from our home, when it happened again! Josh was taking a nap and my grandmother looked in on him and he was having another gran-mal seizure. Who knows how long he had been in it? When we arrived at the hospital at the beach, his temperature was 106.8*!! The doctor told me that there is no way he should still be alive. But my little trooper was a fighter and he was determined to live! He had a purpose even though he couldn't talk, or walk normally like others, he was special! From the age 5 - 11 Josh had maybe 3 seizures, none of which were as devastating as the ones he had from 4 months - 5 years of age. We were feeling pretty good about Josh's health. From age 11-15 he had NO SEIZURES. For 4 years we were seizure free. He was only taking one drug for the control of the seizures and Josh was only getting sick with colds and minor illnesses about twice a year. At 15, Josh was at about a 12 month old level and the size and weight of an 8 year old (he weighed 66lbs). He was my BABY!!!On April 19th, 2001, Josh ran a temperature of 103. I undressed him thinking maybe he was dressed too hot, gave him some Advil, and put him in the tub to cool him down. His temp went away, he ate supper, and I sat with him in the floor rubbing his chest and head while we watched "Survivor" on TV (Josh's favorite thing in the world to do was to watch TV!!!!). This fever seemed to be one of unknown cause, which Josh has done many times before so we were not alarmed. My husband put him to bed and I checked on him at 12:30am before I went to bed. No fever so I knew he was okay. He looked up at me and babbled "ba ba ba ". This is how Josh talked to you. I told him I was sorry I woke him up and wound up his favorite musical toy he slept with and said "good night". I had no idea I was also saying "goodbye"! The next morning I woke up go my other daughter off to school and my husband off to work and layed back down until Sydney, my 3 year old, woke up. I was letting Josh stay home from school since he had ran a fever the night before and I let him sleep in. About 9:30am I went in to get him up and the second I opened the door, I thought it was weird that he didn't move, but he looked asleep from the door. I usually don't wake him up if he is asleep but something struck me as wrong, so I went on in to wake him up. As I turned the corner of the bed I saw the paleness of his beautiful skin and his purple lips and nose! I knew.....but I called his name anyway and tried to wake him. He was so cold to the touch and all I could do was cry "oh my God, this is not happening!!" He was already stiff so when the 911 operator asked me if I wanted to attempt CPR, I told her he was gone and he had been gone for a while. I can honestly say, I have NEVER felt the emotions I was feeling at that particular moment. Josh died of complications from a seizure. We did not have an autopsy done because he had been through enough in his short life and I didn't want him to be cut or poked on anymore. I knew it was a seizure. I don't know how to go on with out my little man. All of my life I have taken care of him and now he is gone! Why???I don't understand why. I don't know who I am without him. You know? My life was devoted to taking care of my little boy and now he is gone. I created this site to share Josh's story and hopefully begin the healing process. Josh is healed and now Heaven seems a little sweeter knowing he is there waiting to welcome me with open arms. I love you Joshi, more than the moon & all the stars!!!
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Wesley's Journey
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