How men can move toward freedom
Topic: Dangers of Pornography
Pornography seems to make everything better--until it makes everything worse. Ironically, the journey to freedom and change is just the opposite. Everything usually gets worse before it gets better. The one thing a man can expect to encounter is the unexpected. It is a trademark of God to use the unusual to bring about His purposes. The same God who used a 100-year-old man and a 90-year-old woman to start a family and a nation that would centuries later bear the Savior of mankind (Gen. 17:17; Rom. 4:19) also invites men on an unusual path toward freedom. The following ideas can serve as starting points to a journey that will eventually break the power of pornography.

By Admitting Their Problem:

An addicted man can seldom change on his own. He must begin talking about his problem with someone who is experienced in dealing with sexual addictions and with a few trustworthy men--preferably before he is caught. If he's been caught, he needs to stop the lies and own up to his problem. Lasting change involves confessing sin and struggling through life with the help of others (Jas. 5:16).

Admitting to having an out-of-control sexual struggle is one of the hardest confessions a man may ever make to another person. And Satan wants men to hide their struggles so he can get them alone and deceive them with lies such as "the problem is under control" or "you will never change." But men who start to talk about their struggles with others who can help them change will begin to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Talking with other men can be a risky process. A man needs to be careful about those he chooses to confide in. He needs to talk with men who are aware of their own capacity to lust--men who won't be horrified or cast self-righteous stones of condemnation. He needs men who can keep his struggle confidential and who will pray for him, challenge him, and dream with him about who he could become for others and for God (1 Th. 2:11-12).

Talking with a few men requires an investment of time and heart where conversations go beyond work, sports, or hobbies. At times the conversations will be painfully uncomfortable. But if others are involved, a man will have a band of allies who can help him begin to address his sexual sin and look forward to the redemptive work God will do in his heart and life.



By Understanding Their Own Story:

Not only must addicted men admit and talk about their problem, they must also seek to understand the story of how they have gotten to this place. There are formative events in every man's history that are important for him to discuss with a friend or counselor. Satan wants us to hide our stories from one another. He knows that thinking through the defining moments and the themes of our lives has the power to break through our layered hearts, expose his lies, and rebuild our faith in God.

Most addicted men have learned to stuff the pain of loss and mistreatment. As men share their own personal story with a trusted friend or counselor, it is for many of them their first opportunity to name what has affected them and to deeply feel the harm of what has been done to them. Most need to face the destructive effects of being inundated with sexually graphic material at a young age. Some need to feel the loss of innocence as a result of sexual abuse. Many need to feel the disappointments of relationships and unfulfilled dreams. As men discuss and think about their stories, loss and harm can begin to penetrate and touch their hearts. It makes it real rather than academic and opens the door for them to start grieving (Mt. 5:4).

Thinking through the shaping events of their own personal stories provides the chance not only to grieve but also to consider and question what they've learned about themselves, about women, about relationships, and about God. Asking deep questions from their own heart allows men to reconsider the truthfulness of what they've learned. More important, it sets the stage for them to struggle with their God.

Men who regularly seek out pornography are in a crisis of faith. That's the core of why they turn to idols like pornography. Struggling with the questions and doubts that surface when men wrestle with the details of their story is what God uses to restore those men to faith in Him. Honest struggle can take them to the place where God reveals Himself, calls them by name, and reminds them of His goodness.

God doesn't always answer our questions of why (Ps. 22:1-2). God didn't answer Jesus as He cried out on the cross, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" (Mk. 15:34). Instead of answers, He gives us something far better--undeniable reminders of how He has moved on our behalf and memories that assure us He hasn't abandoned us (Ps. 73:21-28). In David's case, it was the reminder of his forefathers' exodus from Egypt that restored his faith (Ps. 22:3-5). For others, it is the recollection of the time when they came to know Christ as their Savior or when God miraculously spared their life or intervened and met a pressing need.

All Christian men have memories of how God touched their lives with goodness. For many, the memories are remote, but they aren't gone. And in the presence of heartfelt struggle over doubt and confusion, God brings to the edge of their awareness irrefutable memories of His hand in their lives to build a stronger conviction that He is good and trustworthy (Ps. 77:10-20). The more they remember, the less they want to turn away from Him by looking at pornography. The faith that comes out of struggling with questions is captured in the words of C. S. Lewis: "I know now, Lord, why You utter no answers. You are Yourself the answer. Before Your face, questions die away."


By Facing The Log In Their Own Eye:

As men begin to come to terms with their stories, it can prepare their hearts to take responsibility for what they've done with the harm that's been done to them. Another one of Satan's strategies is to get us to blame others for the choices we make. Like Adam who blamed his wife and his God when he was caught in the first sin (Gen. 3:11-12), the evil one wants us to feel like helpless, innocent victims who point the finger of blame at everyone but ourselves.

A man involved in pornography tends to blame his struggles on his wife, his job, his family, his circumstances, and his God. Satan knows that if a man won't take responsibility for his own reactions, he will remain a prisoner of what others have done to him. But as a man begins to apply God's standard that he has a log in his eye and others have a speck of wood in theirs (Lk. 6:41-42), he can start to feel a redemptive sorrow that takes him beyond what others have done and toward a repentance without regret (2 Cor. 7:10).

As a man starts to grapple with how he has responded to being hurt, it paves the way for him to confront and humbly own up to his angry commitments to protect himself through distance and deception. He can start to feel and grieve the pain that he caused when he filled his mind with sexual images that made him withdraw from others. He can begin to painfully admit how his use of pornography has betrayed the trust of others and brought sorrow to the heart of his God who died for him.

It's difficult for men to feel sorrow over the harm they have caused. Many would prefer to hide from sorrow by being angry with themselves, or to become hardened by blaming others and God. But if a man feels the sorrow and stays with it long enough, the Spirit of God can begin to make him feel so desperate that he is willing to do whatever it takes to come back home to his heavenly Father.



By Returning Home:

Many men who are involved in pornography feel orphaned by God. They feel abandoned and left alone to struggle with life. The truth is, however, that God didn't orphan them. Like the prodigal son, they ran away from home (Lk. 15:11-13).

When God's children wander away from Him, He often uses their own sinful choices to bring them to a point of productive frustration and desperation. When a man's heart is seduced and given over to the false god of pornography, life may have to knock him around before he will come to his senses. For example, it wasn't until the prodigal son squandered all that he had and was eating with pigs that he finally realized his predicament (Lk. 15:14-19).

God gives a man over to the consequences of what he has attached his heart to (Rom. 1:24). And experiencing these consequences can be redemptive as it wakes him up to the agonizing yet exciting truth: "I am a mess. I've been wounded, but I've hurt many in turn. The good news is that I can come home. By God's grace I am forgiven, and I can be different for Him and for others."

As a man begins to comprehend and accept God's response to his sin, his attachment to the shame of pornography will begin to loosen. God isn't shocked by his sin. It saddens Him for sure, but He quickly reminds him that Jesus' death paid the price for his sin (Col. 1:14). He didn't just pay for some of our sins. He paid for all of them. Although our sin may result in serious consequences, God doesn't see our sin as an excuse to withdraw from Him and others. Instead, He urges us to use the reality of our sin and our shame as a reason to come to Him for restoration and the faith and hope to live for a higher calling.

God is the only One who can break a man down without crushing his spirit. He alone is able to help us to admit our sin and move from self-absorbed thoughts to a growing concern for others.



By Living Out Love:

A desire to love, as a result of knowing that we are fully loved and accepted by God, is the best solution to pornography and its effects. Changed by God's love, men find the desire to reject an industry that exploits the physical beauty of a woman and the gift of sex that God intended to be deeply enjoyed between a husband and wife.

Furthermore, men who are changed by the love of God will begin to see women in a different light. Rather than seeing women through the eyes of sexual lust, they can begin to see women through the eyes of love. Instead of just looking at women as sexual objects, they can begin to see women as fellow image-bearers of God who have likely been wounded by a world filled with lust, anger, and betrayal. They can begin to notice that women struggle with loneliness in a way similar to their own struggles with failure. They can think about how to interact with women for their benefit, instead of thinking about how to take advantage of them.

The enslaving forces of pornography don't stand a chance when love is at work. Alongside of the freedom to love, men can begin to know a purpose that comes from answering God's call to join in a story that is so much bigger than their own. Unlike pornography, which conquers and enslaves, God liberates them from the chains of regret to live for a larger purpose.



By Living For A Larger Purpose:

A man who returns home doesn't find a heavenly Father who is waiting to pound him with shame and disgust. What he finds is a forgiving Father who showers him with compassion and celebration (Lk. 15:22-24). And He doesn't stop there. God also restores a man to a position of honor, responsibility, and significance by giving him the privilege of playing a vital role in His larger story to reconcile the world to Himself (2 Cor. 5:18-21).

Our redeemed hearts identify with God's story. And we don't just want to read about it--we want something more. We want to be a part of the story, to enter into the themes of redemption and renewal coursing through the drama. We want to participate in the adventure and suspense of laying ourselves on the line for a cause that is greater than ourselves (2 Cor. 5:15). The good news is that any man can do this, no matter what he's done.

With a renewed faith in what God has done for him in the past and a rekindled hope in what He is going to do in and through him in the future, a man has a purpose to live for today. Regardless of his vocation or financial means, he can know the honor and meaning of being a warrior for God's purposes. And playing a part in something larger than himself transcends the difficulties and sorrows of life and puts his own life into perspective.

With eyes of growing faith and hope, a man can begin to see that God is doing something exciting in which he can invest himself. Getting caught up in God's larger story turns life into the meaningful adventure it was meant to be. While it's risky and unpredictable at times, it's anything but boring for a man to use his words, his gifts, his interests, his burdens--whatever they may be--to build relationships with people. He can begin to share the gospel and the difference that Jesus has made in his life.

Seeing life from this perspective radically changes a man's attitude about his family, job, and friendships. What he used to dread when he was addicted to porn is now seen as an opportunity to tell others about Jesus. Pursuing the opportunities will stretch a man further than he could possibly imagine, but it doesn't have to be oppressive. Like a good physical workout energizes the body, playing a part in God's larger drama energizes the soul with a deep sense of purpose because he knows that his labor is not in vain (1 Cor. 15:58).

Ten Ways to Break the Stronghold of Pornography
Topic: Dangers of Pornography


Before you go through these... have you looked at yourself under the penetrating light of God's Law? Have you come to a place of genuine repentance? Do you know that your heart is desperately wicked; that it's an enemy of God? Do you see your Adamic nature as a Judas living within you, raising his hands and crying "Master, Master," but at the same time betraying the Son of Man with a kiss? Then put that traitor to death. Never trust your own heart again. It cares for nothing but self. The instant gratification of thirty pieces of silver is better than Heaven's approval. It is self-serving, self-gratifying, and self-deceiving. It is "earthly, sensual, devilish" (James 3:15). Look at what Philippians 2:12 says about the "self" nature:

"...work out (cultivate, carry out to the goal, and fully complete) your own salvation with reverence and awe and trembling (self-distrust, with serious caution, tenderness of conscience, watchfulness against temptation, timidly shrinking from whatever might offend God and discredit the name of Christ)" (The Amplified Bible).

1. Would you ever take pornography to church and look at it during worship? You may as well, because God is just as present in your bedroom as He is in the church building.

2. Face the fact that you may not be saved. Examine yourself to ensure that Christ is living in you (2 Corinthians 13:5). See Romans 6:11–22; 8:1–14; Ephesians 5:3–8.)

3. Realize that when you give yourself to pornography, you are committing adultery (Matthew 5:27,28).

4. Grasp the serious nature of your sin. Jesus said that it would be better for you to be blind and go to heaven, than for your eye to cause you to sin and end up in hell (Matthew 5:29).

5. Those who profess to be Christians yet give themselves to pornographic material evidently lack the fear of God (Proverbs 16:6). Cultivate the fear of God by reading Proverbs 2:1–5.

6. Read Psalm 51 and make it your own prayer.

7. Memorize James 1:14,15 and 1 Corinthians 10:13. Follow Jesus’ example (Matthew 4:3–11) and quote the Word of God when you are tempted (see Ephesians 6:12–20).

8. Make no provision for your flesh (Romans 13:14; 1 Peter 2:11). Get rid of every access to pornographic material—the Internet, printed literature, TV, videos, and movies. But don't just stop there... you also need to begin to think about how high God's standard of holiness and purity really is. What the general public would have called "pornographic" just 60 to 70 years ago is plastered through your Sunday morning newspaper, the billboards you see on your way to work, and the magazines that line the counters at the grocery checkout. Even television commercials are filled with images that if you printed them off and stood in front of an elementary school showing them to children... you would be arrested. The fire is being fed from all different directions... not just those that the world lables as "pornographic." You must stop feeding the fire.

9. Guard your heart with all diligence (Proverbs 4:23). Don’t let the demonic realm have access to your thought-life. The Bible commands you to get control of your thoughts; read what Romans 13:14 says, "But clothe yourself with the Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah), and make no provision for [indulging] the flesh [put a stop to thinking about the evil cravings of your physical nature] to [gratify its] desires (lusts)" (The Amplified Bible - bold added for emphasis). If you give yourself to it, you will become its slave (Romans 6:16). Read the Bible daily, without fail. As you submit to God, the devil will flee (James 4:7,8).

10. The next time temptation comes, do fifty push-ups, then fifty sit-ups. If you are still burning, repeat the process (see 1 Corinthians 9:27, and 1 Corinthians 7:9). This is not just a random "get your mind off it" exercise. This produces a physical reaction that is the equivalent of what is often called a "cold shower."

What are the limits of self-restraint and denial?
Topic: Dangers of Pornography
Many men try to break their sexual addiction through sheer willpower. In most cases, however, the harder a man tries to stop, the harder it becomes to resist. Simply telling a man who is addicted to pornography to stop using it is like saying, "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!" (Col. 2:21). Paul said that "such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility, and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence" (v.23).

Wisdom, of course, says that it makes sense for vulnerable men to avoid situations where they can access pornography. But the problem runs much deeper than hormones or behavior. Self-restraint alone misses the larger issues of pain and sin that are at the root of this struggle.

Furthermore, a man doesn't help himself by denying an attraction to pornography. Denial just feeds the attraction. In fact, admitting to how much he wants to look at pornography is an important part of the journey toward freedom.

A Crisis of Faith and Hope
Topic: Dangers of Pornography
Recognizing what men get out of pornography is vital. It opens the door for them to see how they use porn to deal with the difficulties of life apart from trusting in God. The fundamental reason men keep going back is that deep within their souls they're in a crisis of faith and hope. They've lost a strong faith in God and they see little hope of life improving. Consequently, they regard the payoff of pornography as both needed and deserved.

1. It Feels Needed: The Idolatry Within. In a crisis of faith, many men come to think that pornography and what it provides is necessary. They don't have a "take it or leave it" attitude. In many cases there is the thought, "I'll miss out on something that I desperately need if I don't click on this Web site or look at another magazine." The illusion of intimacy and adventure is seen as one of their greatest needs. It's their best friend. Thinking about it, planning for it, and looking forward to it helps them make it through the day. Looking at it no longer feels like a choice. It becomes a must.

Sexually explicit images can become idols. They can be a false god that numerous men trust in to cope with the deep struggles of life. As one man put it, "It's an outlet. And with my pressures and responsibilities, I need one."

2. It Feels Deserved: The Cynical Anger Within. Many Christian men know that filling their minds with sexual images is diminishing their capacity to relate to others in a healthy way. They know it's wrong, but in their hearts they don't care. In most cases, it's not that a man can't let go of pornography. He won't let go because he feels he deserves to look. Brewing deep within his soul is a rarely acknowledged level of cynical rage that justifies his excursions to the unreal fantasy world of perfect bodies and sexual seduction.

Men are usually surprised by the degree and intensity of anger in their souls. Why are they angry? Because others don't appreciate them. They believe others require too much of them or expose their inadequacies. They're angry about the lack of meaning and fulfillment in life. Christian men are especially angry and disillusioned with a religious system that hasn't lived up to its billing. They've jumped through all the hoops, and their lives are still not working out as they thought they would. They're angry with a God who often seems distant and uncaring. And worse, they seriously doubt that things are going to get better. In this angry, cynical crisis of hope, they believe they deserve a break.

The Bible gives us an example of this cynical attitude in the hearts of God's chosen people. The prophet Isaiah foresaw Jerusalem as being attacked by enemy armies. Instead of turning to God for protection and provision, His people chose to handle the situation themselves. When their efforts failed and the enemy started closing in, they adopted a cynical, hopeless attitude. Resigning themselves to defeat, they said, "Let us eat and drink, . . . for tomorrow we die!" (Isa. 22:13). In other words, "We might as well live it up today because there's no hope for tomorrow."

This is the same cynical attitude found in the hearts of men who regularly look at pornography. One man said, "No matter what I do, my wife is never going to appreciate the things I do for this family. This is never going to change. Whenever I'm struck with the hopelessness of this fact, the urge for pornography seems entirely reasonable."

Men involved in a self-destroying habit withdraw from others and God by turning to an idol they feel is needed and deserved. They lack faith in the One who suffered the ultimate price to be able to accept them. They lack the hope and vision for the kind of men they could be and what they could accomplish for God. As a result, they lose the purpose that comes from living for the sake of something greater than themselves. The situation may seem bleak, but the Spirit of God can rebuild faith, renew hope, and awaken a purpose that can replace and put to death an idolatrous demand for pornography.

Why do men Continue to look?
Topic: Dangers of Pornography
A steady diet of pornography and self-stimulation eventually affects a man's body chemistry. His body begins to look forward to more of the same sexual stimulus and release, much like a drug addict's body craves cocaine. This physical conditioning does not remove a man's responsibility, but it does start to explain why many men find sexually graphic images so hard to resist.

When an addicted man is cut off from pornography, he experiences withdrawal symptoms. This sets off a physical urge to restore a sense of balance. Many sexual addicts say that the withdrawal from a sexual addiction is more prolonged and more painful than the withdrawal from drugs or alcohol.14

One man recalled a time when a lightning storm damaged his VCR and television set. After a week of not being able to watch "adult" videos, he could hardly stand it. He felt agitated and had trouble sleeping. He tried to busy himself with other things, but it didn't help. Finally, he became so desperate that he checked into a motel room that showed X-rated movies.

There is, of course, much more going on than just a physical attachment. Regular viewing trains a man's body to crave more. But he can retrain his body as he begins to address the larger issues in his soul by understanding what he gets from his habit.