Weirdness
Cool Quotes
Quoteworld
Jack Handey *funny* quotes
frayed denim quote page
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. -Robert Benchley
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations -Winston Churchill
U.S. Presidents' Quotes
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. -George W. Bush
A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits. -Woodrow Wilson
I not only use all the brains I have, but all I can borrow. -Woodrow Wilson
Law alone cannot make men see right. -John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Don't join the book burners. Do not think you are going to conceal thoughts by concealing evidence that they ever existed. -Dwight D. Eisenhower
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -Phyllis Diller
The NRA says, 'Guns don't kill people - people kill people.' Yeah, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting 'bang!'.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. -Oscar Wilde
I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton
Life is hard. After all, it kills you. -Katherine Hepburn
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. –Thomas Jefferson
Time is the best teacher...unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -Samuel Goldwyn
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
Power in [America] is like hemophilia; it passes through women and then men get it. -Gloria Steinem
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. -Henry Kissinger
A woman who strives to be equal to a man lacks ambition.
Women have always been the guardians of wisdom and humanity which makes them natural, but usually secret, rulers.
I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -Winston Churchill
When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -Woody Allen
Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. -Mark Twain
The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven. -Mark Twain
A classic is a book which people praise and don't read. -Mark Twain
I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -Mark Twain
The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -Mark Twain
There's a thin line between genius and insanity. I'm dancing on it.
If I look confused it's because I'm thinking. -Samuel Goldwyn
We used to hate people, now we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way. -Nicole Blackman
Start every day with a smile and get it over with. -W. C. Fields
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A BEST friend will be in the cell next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun."
If ignorance is bliss, why don't most people seem happy?
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. -Sam Levenson
If you think you know what I'm doing wrong, you're going to have to get in line. -Ani Difranco
Somtimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. -Jerry Seinfeld
A clown is like asprin, only he works twice as fast. -Groucho Marx
Few women admit their age... few men act it.
If you were the last man on earth, not only would I not sleep with you but I would migrate to another continent and kill myself with a boulder to ensure that your genes would not live on. -Lisa on NewsRadio
They used to call Southerners who hated black people racists. Now they call them Republicans. -Shyla in Beach Music
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? -George Carlin
America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization. -Georges Clemenceau, former prime minister of France
Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket. -Robert Orben
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. -Anthony Burgess
I stand by all the misstatements I made. -J. Danforth Quayle
The sins of great men are always out of character. -George Bernard Shaw
Somewhere there’s someone who dreams of your smile, who finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so when you are lonely, remember it’s true: somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
Love like you've never been hurt;
Work like you don't need the money;
And dance like nobody is watching.
There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite, but there's no secret handshake. -Reality Bites
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -Albert Einstein
Make things as simple as possible, but not simpler. -Albert Einstein
Impossible is a word found only in the dictionaries of fools. -Napoleon
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. - Katharine Hepburn
It is easy to be brave from a safe distance. -Aesop
Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them. -Nathaniel Hawthorne
A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is better to be roughly right than to be precisely wrong. -John Maynard Keynes
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. -Henry David Thoreau
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live. -Lin Yutang
When the game is done, the king and pawn go into the same box. -Italian proverb
The true paradises are the paradises we have lost. -Marcel Proust
You all laughed at me because I was different, I laughed at you because you were all the same.
I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw the woman who had no feet.
No book is really worth reading at the age of ten which is not equally (and often more) worth reading at the age of fifty and beyond. -C. S. Lewis
When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less. -Lewis Carroll
I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then. -Lewis Carroll
It is a far far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense, that to put out on the troubled seas of thought. -J.K. Galbraith, THE AFFLUENT SOCIETY
Too bad experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any more than black people were made for whites or women for men. -Alice Walker
Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. -Will Rogers
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. -Oscar Wilde
The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't. -Henry Ward Beecher
When the eyes say one thing and the tongue another, the practiced person relies on the language of the first. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion. -Thomas Paine
It is only when we forget all our learning that we begin to know. -Henry David Thoreau
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life. -Thoreau
Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing. -Helen Adams Keller
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life; it goes on. -Robert Frost
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
After all, there is but one race - humanity. -George Moore
Woman was created from the rib of man; Not from his head to be thought of only, nor from his hand to be owned, nor from his foot to be beneath, but from under his arm to be protected, from his side to be equal, and from his heart to be loved.
What one beholds of a woman is the least part of her. -Ovid
If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear. -George Orwell
The Pledge of Allegiance says 'liberty and justice for all'. Which part of 'all' don't you understand? -Rep. Pat Schroeder (D) Colo.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. -Oscar Wilde
What is hateful to you, do not do unto another man. That is the whole Torah. -Hillel
Don't quote me, think for yourself! -Unknown
Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got. -Garth Brooks
On the seventh day, you rested. Maybe you should have spent it creating compassion instead. -Robin Williams, "Patch Adams"
The shortest distance between two points... is usually not accessible.
The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. -Carl Sagan
Never doubt that a group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. -Margaret Mead
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. -MLK
Every life is different because you passed this way and touched history. -The Poisonwood Bible
How can you blame a person for his fears and weaknesses unless you have felt the same and done differently? How can you think everyone can be a hero, choosing death, when it is part of our nature to let go of brave thoughts at the last moment and cling to hope and life? -The Kitchen God's Wife
Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. -The Fellowship of the Ring by Tolkien
Liberty is the one thing you can't have unless you give it to others. -William Allen White
Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it. -Langston Hughes
A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension. -Oliver Wendell Holmes
It is our choices far more than our abilities that determine who we are. -J.K. Rowling
Any sufficiently advanced form of technology is indistinguishable from magic. -Arthur C. Clarke
Those who stand for nothing fall for anything. -Alexander Hamilton
Jews cry out 'we must never forget' and then proceed to tell the same tale over and over again so repetitively, so desperately, that the words unravel around the edges, grow indistinct . . . I am afraid a time will come when our story cannot be heard because it has been told too often. -George Fox in Beach Music
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. -Edmund Burke
Normal is a setting on a washing machine.
There is no future, there is no past. I live this moment as my last. There's only us, there's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today. -Mimi in RENT
Love me or hate me but spare me your indifference. -Libbie Fudim
There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. -Louis L'Amour
The world is your playground. Why aren't you playing? -Ellie Katz
Goals are dreams with deadlines. -Diana Scharf Hunt
Go the extra mile. It's never crowded. -Executive Speedwriter Newsletter
When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves. -William Arthur Ward
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. -Robert Brault
A good plan executed right now is far better than a perfect plan executed next week. -George S. Patton
In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes. -Andy Warhol
There is more to life than increasing its speed. -Mohandas K. Gandhi
Never ruin an apology with an excuse. -Kimberly Johnson
Their clothes were cut off the edge of the latest fashion, which was currently inclining towards wide hats, padded shoulders, narrow waists and pointed shoes and gave its followers the appearance of being very well-dressed nails. -Terry Pratchett, Pyramids
It can't be a coincidence 'heart' and 'hurt' sound so much alike.
