A Government In Exile....And A Daycare Center In Nashville

Originally published in the November 21, 2000 issue of "The Etherzone...."

The dynamic of our most recent exercise in democracy has been changing, quite literally, by the hour. Since an entire election cycle’s worth of prophesies, predictions, and partisan bloviation have accomplished little more than widening the Antarctic ozone hole, I won’t add to it by attempting a post-mortem here. However, the events of the past several days have finally presented tangible, empirical proof of what many of us in the tax-paying, 9-to-5 brigades have long been sounding the alarm about: Liberals are not only dangerous, Anti-Constitutional, and hypocritical to a fault, they’re also certifiably nuts.

While Bill Clinton started the Ball of Indignity rolling downhill by turning the White House into a money-laundering flophouse for ChiCom panhandlers, and the Oval Office into the rest room of a Bangkok nite club, the Gore Campaign has furthered Liberalism’s cause of destroying the national spirit by transforming the capstone of American politics into a Ritalin-deprived 5-year-old’s temper tantrum. Just days prior to the election, the first sign that the Democratic Party was in need of a diaper changing was seen when some obscure Democratic Party activist, an unmade bed of a human being named Tom Donnelly, fed the media the archived (furthermore, expunged), D.U.I. conviction records of Governor George Bush, dating back to 1976. While our comrades on the tube feasted voraciously on this offal for the balance of the week, it went practically unmentioned (except by Fox News) that the source of the records was an equally partisan, Democratically appointed judge who had his own ‘indecently exposed’ skeleton hidden in the closet. The jury’s still out on what (if any) effect this had on the voting behavior of undecided voters; however, in light of the leftist hive’s propensity to cannibalize their own when their collectivist rhetoric fails them, I suggest that Mr. Donnelly find a radical change of venue (such as goat herding in Kazakhstan), should Governor Bush occupy the Big Chair. (Hey, Tom, baby, I got two words for you: Vince Foster. Boo!)

Even more grievous injury was inflicted to conventional electoral discourse when Voters News Service, a Frankenstein’s monster of the ‘mainstream’ media’s own creation, found a way to monumentally f*ck up the electoral call in the state of Florida, and by extension, the Presidency - not once, but twice. The results of their ineptitude and pomposity has set in motion the most childish, sniveling display of poor sportsmanship and un-statesmanlike pouting in the history of the Republic. Subsequent to the second Florida ‘brain fart’ by VNS, Vice-President Milosovic-er, Gore, allowed us to peer into the demented depths of his emotional dysfunction, by calling the governor and not only retracting his concession, but also arrogantly telling the incredulous Bush “don’t get snippy with me!” This breakout of political diaper rash is being further exacerbated by Gore mouthpiece and bullet-headed union Mafioso Bill Daley, with his endless proclamations that their regime will jam the gears of democracy by recounting selected ballots again and again, through litigation if necessary, until they’re satisfied with the outcome. This, people, is the ‘smoking gun’ demonstrating that the liberal social blueprint cannot tolerate a mature, winner take all, will-of-the-people selection process. Laws of the land do not matter, unless decreed by them alone. A matter of singular choice has now become the functional equivalent of a Little League World Series, and only they have the right to scuff the balls.

While we wait for this travesty of free will to be settled, we must endure the further ignominy of Empress-Elect and Bitch-Beyond-Contempt Hillary! Clinton polluting the environment with her Stalinist rancor. This sagging pit viper did not even have the reserve to wait until her cellulite-pocked ass had stained a seat in the hallowed chamber of the United States Senate, before calling for the amputation of the Constitutional provision for the Electoral College - as if it were somehow under her aegis to unilaterally do so. To all registered Republicans in New York, you have my most heartfelt sympathies. Her election was preordained; it was a position engineered, bought, and delivered to someone who would otherwise be unelectable in any other state in the Union. But, know this: there is a silver lining to this cloud, as tarnished at it may be. This conniving, scheming hayseed has spent twenty-plus years inflicting her carnage by hiding behind the executive power and unzipped fly of her husband - first in Little Rock, then in Washington. It is in her very nature to be a callow, manipulating cretin. There will be no epiphany, no sudden metamorphosis into Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm upon her arrival to Capitol Hill; she will be forced to stand alone on whatever stage she erects for herself. Her political stature is no longer that of a self-styled Evita Peron, and she’ll be swimming with sharks more savvy than she’ll ever hope to be. Another Whitewater WILL occur, I guarantee; perhaps another Filegate, or cattle futures fiasco. Regardless, you can rest assured that she’ll end up chumming the political waters of her own downfall.

And finally, what carnival of freaks would be complete without self-appointed Welfare Whore Jesse Jackson diving into the fray to stir up tribal unrest. (Al Sharpton was unavailable; he still can’t break the suction between his lips, and Ralph Nader’s ass.) This walleyed race pimp has bullied his way into the ‘butterfly ballot” issue as the champion of the Wrinkled-American constituency, claiming it’s “not a matter of black or white, but of wrong or right”. Jesse, if there were any true sense of wrong or right left in this country, somebody would grab you by the short hairs on your ass, and toss you aboard the first freight train bound for Saskatoon. You’d be a model for Canadian Social Order.

We can all take heart knowing that right now, somewhere on a ranch in Texas, the next President of the United States awaits his call with patience and dignity.