Realisation, The start of the journey: Friday 9th February 2001 354lbs

Today seemed to start just like any other day, I got up and made a coffee and automatically opened the fridge for something to eat. I could see my reflection in the kitchen window and I was disgusted with the way I looked. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the bathroom scale sticking out from underneath a cupboard, where I had hidden it long ago.
I thought...oh, go on then, I'll have a quick look, I know I have put a bit on but I guess I'll be around 250lbs or so.....OMG !!!.....WHAT A SHOCK !!!!!! The scale read error...I was too heavy for them to register my weight. I knew they weighed up to 322lbs.
Oh but of course I hadn't used the scale for so long I knew it would be that the battery needed replacing, talk about self denial.when the evidence was staring me in the face I still looked for a rational excuse.
I took myself off into town to buy a new battery, and while I was there I deceided to pop into the big pharmacy and weigh myself on their scale because they are more accurate ( and I think deep down because I knew they recorded weights up to 360lbs )
The scale gives you a print out on a small bit of paper as I took it and looked at it I felt as though someone had just slapped me in the face....354lbs...I couldn't believe it...I was almost too heavy to get weighed on these scales.
I just wanted to cry...But that was it...I took a good long hard look at myself and saw exactly what I was missing out on in life and how I really wanted to be. In that split second I knew this was the time to do something about it..FOR ME !
A trip to the superstore to stock up on plenty of fresh foods and today became the first day of my new healthy eating plan...the beginning of the journey to a new me.

Week 1: Friday 16th February 2001 weight =339lbs Loss = 15lbs

I've decided to follow a calorie counting diet, I've followed this once before as you know from my story. I found I had plenty to eat this last week, but I was constantly hungry. I knew I wasn't hungry really, it was just that if I was bored before I would eat, If I was sitting down I would eat, If I wasnt thinking or doing something I would eat, basically I was just used to eating all the time.I wasnt hungry last week I was just so used to eating so much that I had been accustomed to it and felt that was what I wanted..but I was strong I didn't give in. I knew there wasnt much point jumping on my own scale this week so I took myself off to the big pharmacy in town.
I took the slip of paper with my eyes closed..I was actually very nervous and when I looked at it and read 339lbs, I was sure it was a mistake. I delved deep into my wallet and took out some more money and re weighed myself...the new slip of paper said exactly the same as the last. Into the wallet once more....for the third time I took the slip of paper...it read the same as the other two....OMG I had lost 15lbs in one week..to say I was exstatic..was an understatement...what a boost that gave me...I am on my way :)

Week 2: Friday 23rd February 2001 weight =331lbs Loss = 8lbs

Quite a difficult week again. the cravings for the food I always had are still with me, but I am sure they are not quite as bad. I have been drinking diet coke instead of snacking on food and it has helped a little.I am going to be spending a fortune on the stuff, I have been getting through 2 litres a day. I have made myself some sheets to record everything that I eat each day to make it easier to keep track of the calories I am having and I have bought a folder to keep them all in. I have been strong this week, the good weightloss last week has kept me going.
I wore the same clothes as I did last week and took myself into town at the same time as last week to get weighed.
My hands were shaking as I waited for the slip of paper to print out....331lbs another 8lb loss this week.
I feel brilliant....I can do this !!!

Week 3: Friday 2nd March 2001 Weight = 324lbs Loss = 7lbs

It has started to get a little easier now, I am finding I am not feeling as hungry, still drinking diet coke as much and spending a lot of time visiting the bathroom, but thats a small price to pay for losing weight.
I need a little incentive to keep me focussed, so I have decided to award myself a little sticker for every 7lbs I lose. I have marked out on the front of my folder with 30 boxes for my stickers ( I chose red and blue stars ) I have set myself a main goal which is to lose 212lbs my target weight is going to be 142lbs. for that I have bought a special gold star. I need something a little closer to aim for so I have set a mini goal target and that is going to be 248lbs, which will be half way to my final target and for that I have bought a silver star..My husband has said as an extra special incentive, when I reach my half way goal he will pay for anything I want. I have decided to have my hair done..I don't see the point in wasting money on new clothes as they would be too big pretty soon and I wouldn't get the use out of them. I feel fantastic again this week. another 7lbs lost I now have 4 stars on my folder.
Looking forward to next week.

Week 4: Friday 9th March 2001 Weight = 318lbs Loss 6lbs

Last week was a much better week, I haven't felt as hungry, it sounds silly but I actually miss that feeling. I think deep down I must be thinking that if I'm not feeling hungry then perhaps I am eating something I shouldn't be eating, or the diet has stopped working. still drinking huge amounts of diet coke, but not spending quite as much time in the bathroom.
another 6lbs lost this week and another star sticker to add to my folder, the diet is still working I'm happy to say and my willpower is holding strong.
I thought about trying some exercise this week, but sadly, thinking about it was as far as I got. I got out of breath just at the idea.

Week 5: Friday 16th March 2001 Weight = 312lbs Loss = 6lbs

I had a very good week again this week, but I have been slightly concerned to notice that the dreaded pms hasn't made it's usual monthly visit. I took myself off to see the doctor, who assured me that I was fine, the drastic changes I have made to my eating pattern are more than likely what is causing it. he told me not to worry that it is just that my body is taking a while to adjust, but things will get back to normal when it has settled down into my new routine.
He was so pleased at my progress, and told me I should be very proud of myself and to keep on going. I feel good again....another 6lbs lost. Another sticker to add to my folder.

Week 6: Friday 23rd March 2001 Weight = 308lbs Loss = 4lbs

I had my first major test this week on my willpower. We had to go to a friends birthday party on saturday. I was quite worried how I would hold up, I wasn't worried about drinking, because I am not a big drinker and usually always do the driving, but the food was a different matter. I can never resist a nice buffet,BUT...I. DID !!!
I ate before I went and had nothing at all at the party and drank only diet coke. I think I probably enjoyed myself more too...I spent all evening catching up with old friends and having great conversations instead of constantly thinking about the buffet and what to eat. It made a very refreshing change, and also I felt really proud of myself for getting through the evening without giving in to temptation.
I got such a thrill too, when we were leaving, my husband gave me a kiss and said " I am so proud of how you got throught the night without eating, I know it must have been really hard on you "...The funny thing is, it wasn't really that hard. Once I got chatting and popping to different tables talking to different people, the time just seemed to fly by. It made me realise just what a boring person I was before, the one sat at the table hiding in the corner away from everyone stuffing her face !!
I don't like that person...I am not going to be her anymore. Another 4lbs lost this week. I am delighted.

Week 7: Friday 30th March 2001 Weight = 304lbs Loss = 4lbs

A pretty uneventful week this week. I had no problems sticking to my eating plan. I went to my sisters at the weekend, she and the rest of the family live just over 60 miles from where I live ( I'm hoping that will change soon as we plan on moving back to our home town)
I haven't seen them since I started to lose weight and I was a little disappointed that no one mentioned that I looked as though I had lost anything until I brought up the subject.
Oh well I guess it is only 50lbs so far and when you have such a lot to lose I guess that is only a little, so it may not be that noticable yet...I don't look any different to me either when I look in the mirror, although I know I must be as my clothes are much looser on me.
Another 4lbs lost this week and another star for my folder, that makes a total of 7 now.

Week 8: Friday 6th April 2001 Weight = 298lbs Loss = 6lbs

Had quite a busy week this week, It is almost my sons 12th birthday and I have decided to get him a new computer. I have a friend who offered to build it for me as it will be a lot cheaper to just buy all the components and also that way we can have exactly what we want instead of just the standard things you buy..I am going to get a new and bigger one myself too at the same time. so we spent the week doing that. I told my son I was having a new computer so that he wouldn't guess that it was his birthday present when he saw us building it, he is computer mad and spent the whole week pestering me about my old one. but his face was a picture when he came home from school on friday and we had it all set up in his room . He cried and told me he was just so happy that was the best present he could ever have...I think I am going to give him a present even better than that one day, and that will be a real mum...one who can run and play with him without getting out of breath.
a really good week on the eating plan and another 6lbs lost, and another star to stick on my folder.

Week 9: Friday 13th April 2001 Weight = 294lbs Loss = 4lbs

Spent much of this week building my new computer. the eating has gone really well again. I am finding I am actually forgetting to eat...can you believe that...coming from someone who used to have something permanently in her mouth. I need to keep an eye on that though, because the doctor warned me that not eating enough is as bad as eating too much, your body thinks it is being starved and so it lays down fat...now I don't want it to be doing that .do I !!!!
I stayed well in control and I can report another 4lbs lost.

Week 10: Friday 20th April 2001 Weight = 290lbs Loss = 4lbs

Had another really good week again this week. I am well into my new eating pattern and I am actually enjoying what I am eating. I never thought I would see the day when I ate a meal without it being covered in Hellmans mayonnaise, I have a jar of low calorie Hellmans mayonnaise in the fridge that I haven't even opened yet its been there since I started this eating plan, and I am being totally honest when I say I am not missing it. I am having fun eating new foods that I would never have even looked at before...like vegetables and salad and fruit...you know ..all the healthy foods that normal people eat to stay in shape, but which seem to be labeled poison to us overweight people :)
Another 4lbs lost again this week and another sticker for my folder :)

Week 11: Friday 27th April 2001 Weight = 288lbs Loss = 2lbs

Started feeling a bit panicky this week, I have been trying to keep myself busy, but for some reason I have been thinking about food a lot more than I have been before. I have managed to stay in control of the hunger pangs and cravings, but I am starting to worry that I am about to hit the danger time when my willpower weakens and I give in...I DON'T want to do that. I need to do something that will keep me going.
I was searching through all my tapes for exercise videos and found an old self hypnosis tape by Paul McKenna so I decided to give it a try ( dont believe it will work really, but it made me feel better to be doing something )
I couldn't believe it it seemed to have worked, maybe I just really wanted it to, or maybe it was just a hiccup and I would have stopped the food cravings even if I hadn't listened to the tape...who knows, who cares the food cravings stopped and thats all that matters...I will carry on listening to it all next week and see what happens.
Another 2lbs lost this week :)

Week 12: Friday 4th May 2001 Weight = 293lbs Gain=5lbs

Well after 13 weeks the dreaded pms has decided to appear. I have had a really good week with my eating plan and I was really looking forward to my weigh in, but I feel all bloated and achy and just downright aweful and I was devastated when the dial said 293lbs, a gain of 5 lbs from last week. I am always over emotional at this time of month and this has also been when my previous weightloss attempts have failed for exactly this reason....But Not this time....I know that it is just fluid retention that is causing it and I am not going to give up...This is one week out of all the others... I have done so well so far I am not going to stop now...I CAN DO THIS. But still all I did today was cry . I am so miserable. Never mind, I should have a good weightloss next week, I must keep thinking positively. I suppose I shouldn't complain, after all it has been over 15 weeks since it made an appearance and I guess I am going to have to get used to it again...Nothing is going to stop me reaching my goal now...not even this.

Week 13: Friday 11th May 2001 Weight = 290lbs Loss = 3lbs

After my disappointment last week I still managed to stay strong and stuck well to my eating pattern. I am still listening to My self hypnosis tape and I have to admit I am not in the least bit hungry, maybe it is working after all, I certainly usually feel hungry during pms week, but last week I wasn't...who knows if it works, maybe it only works because I want it to work.I dont care what the reason anyway, its working and thats all that matters.
Have to admit to feeling a little disappointed with the weight loss again this week...I only lost 3 lbs..yeah I know 3 lbs is a good loss, but as I put on 5lbs last week I was hoping I would have lost a little bit more to make up for that...never mind, I must just stick with it...it will come off eventually.

Week 14: Friday 18th May 2001 Weight = 287lbs Loss = 3lbs

Well I have had another pretty good week..on monday I even managed a few exercises...Not many I have to admit only about 15 minutes worth, but it was a start, and I did the same all week I am going to work on increasing that over the next few weeks.
Had a great day on wednesday I searched through all my old slimming magazines for some low calorie recipes and had a mega cooking session, My freezer is now full of low calorie meals , homemade pizza, lasagne, chilli and bolognese etc. I should be eating well for a while.
Another 3lbs lost this week.

Week 15: Friday 25th May 2001 Weight = 282lbs Loss = 5lbs

I had a fantastic week this week I managed to exercise every day for an hour each day, I cant say I am addicted to it, but I did enjoy the workout.eating has gone really really well. I am still listening to my self hypnosis tape and I am still not having any hunger pains or cravings. My mood is still good and my motivation is still very high.willpower is holding strong.
A great weightloss this week, another 5lbs and yep that means another star for my folder :)
I am enjoying this :)

Week 16: Friday 1st June 2001 Weight 281lbs Loss = 1lb

Had a really good week this week, stuck well to my eating plan. I searched the web and found a great site called 3 fat chicks on a diet, this is where I met Hillary.
I got some great advice from the boards and I was also advised against drinking as much diet coke and told to change to water. I have done that this week. I have spent so much time in the bathroom I am considering having my computer moved into there to save me getting up...lol.. I have suffered a lot of withdrawal symptoms from giving up the diet coke, nausea, headaches, and even trembling hands, generally feeling a bit shaky, but as the week has gone on they are getting less.
Only a 1 lb loss this week, but I am delighted with that. pms made its appearance this morning and I always gain weight at that time so this loss makes me feel really good....I guess switching to water has worked.I will carry on with it.

Week 17: Friday 8th June 2001 Weight = 276lbs Loss = 5lbs

A great week this week, I have had a really good week on the eating plan, I have exercised all week and I have kept myself really busy. I have made a webpage which I have impressed myself with. I have never done it on my own before and I am pretty pleased with how well it has turned out for a first attempt
Hillary and I have decided to make a joint web page too so that will be great.
Still drinking plenty of water and the withdrawal symptoms from the diet coke seem to have gone now.another great weight loss of 5lbs again this week I think the water and exercise is working well. Oh yeah and that also means another star for my folder :)

Week 18: Friday 15th June 2001 Weight = 276lbs Loss = 0lbs

Another good week as far as eating goes, but I am afraid to say I gave up on the exercises. I have been spending so much time working on the webpages I have to admit I just didn't find the time. I do hope the static weight this week isn't down to me cutting out the exercise.
I had some new photographs taken which I have now put on the webpage, my brother in law has now become my official photographer :)
I have to be careful on sunday, I have a family christening to go to. That is going to be a real test of willpower. Our family certainly knows how to lay on a good buffet .
I am a little disappointed at not losing anything this week, but at least I haven't gained anything either, so I am grateful for that.

Week 19: Friday 22nd June 2001 Weight = 275lbs Loss = 1 lb

I was so proud of myself on sunday. I went to the family christening and took myself a sandwich made with low calorie bread and just had a plateful of salad with it..then afterwards we went back to my husbands sisters for a bar-b-que...all I had was salad and a vegetable kebab ( peppers onion tomatoes )...the smell of the chicken and burgers was killing me, but I didn't give in .
I also played tennis with my son for almost an hour, that was pretty exhausting, but you should have seen the look on his face when I asked him if he wanted to play with me...I have never been able to play anything like that with him before...when I finally had to give up..he ran around telling everyone that I had played with him....I had to go and hide myself away for a while..the look on his face and his obvious delight that I had played meant so much to him...it just really got to me and I couldn't stop myself from crying. I have waited so long to be able to do that. I can't tell you how thrilled I was to finally have done it.
My husband came and found me..he knew straight away why I was crying and he just put his arms round me kissed me and said" I am so proud of you, aren't you proud too...your doing this for you, but just look how happy you have made Sebastian and me" I think that probably helped me resist the food even more too :)
I was really looking forward to my weigh in this week I just knew I had done so well this week, but when I got up this morning I felt all bloated and achy and was really fed up to find the dreaded pms had made a surprise early visit, but I did lose 1 lb so again I am pleased with that as I have said before at this time I usually do gain a few pounds so any loss is a bonus.

Week 20: Friday 29th June 2001 Weight = 270lbs Loss = 5lbs

Well this week has certainly been very hectic. We have found a new house back in our home town and we will be moving next weekend, so I have been very busy running around and packing. I haven't found any time again to get any exercise but I think I am getting plenty from just packing and carting heavy boxes around...Well thats my excuse and I'm sticking to it :)
I haven't listened to my self hypnosis tape for a while, but I don't seem to need it just now, I think I am keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to think about food, moving house gives you plenty of other things to think about.:)
I was absolutely thrilled at losing another 5lbs this week, it made up for the last couple of weeks that haven't been quite so good.
Another star too for my folder :)

Week 21: Friday 6th July 2001 Weight = 268lbs Loss = 2lbs

A very good week again with my eating plan...It has been a very busy week with all the moving but come this time tomorrow evening it will all be over :) As I said the week on the eating plan has gone really well that was until today. for some reason and I have no idea why. I woke up this morning absolutely starving hungry and no matter what I ate I just couldn't stop thinking about food. I was keeping myself really busy, but I still kept finding myself in the kitchen and snacking...my one saving grace was that I was snacking on law calorie bread and spread so I didnt really do too much damage. I finally pulled myself together at around 5.30pm when I cooked myself a low calorie cauliflower cheese and made a stir fry to go with it, it was only 350 calories for the whole lot and also very filling. it is now almost 8.30pm and I have used my entire days calorie allowance, so there is nothing more for me today...That isn't going to be as difficult as it sounds as my fridge/freezer and all of its contents went over to my new house on the last van so I have nothing left in the house to eat even if I wanted to...However I am going out in about an hour to say goodbye to my friends and have a drink...I very rarely drink alcohol these days so I wont be having any of that and I should be safe sticking to diet coke...no calories there :) I just hope it doesn't set me back on the diet coke addiction...I may just have a glass of water before the coke to stop me drinking as much :) Overall I am happy with the way things have gone this week, but I will be so pleased when I am in my new house tomorrow and even more pleased when everything is unpacked at that end :)

Week 22: Friday 13th July 2001 Weight = 266lbs Loss = 2lbs

Well what a busy week this week was..Finally got moved into my new house...I swear there seemed to be more boxes at this end than I packed at the other end...I'm sure they must have been breeding on the journey over...lol
I have found it pretty easy to stick to my calorie allowance this week, with all the boxes to unpack I haven't had the time to go snacking and even if I wanted to there was so much stacked up in the kitchen I couldn't get to the cupboards even if I wanted too.
I know on a few days I have been well under my calorie allowance, which isn't something I am entirely happy with, but in the circumstances I didn't really have much option, and after all it isn't something I will be making a habbit of.
Once again, apart from all the running around with the move and unpacking boxes, I haven't found any time to do any exercise, but I promise, once this weekend is over and the house is straight, I will try to get a regular program worked out :)
I'm very happy once again with how well I have stuck to my healthy eating plan and I am pleased to be able to report another 2lb loss. Looking forward to my next week.

Week 23: Friday 20th July 2001 Weight = 264lbs Loss = 2lbs

This week has been great. Well as promised I started my exercise program. On monday I did 1 full hour of callanetics. I have decided I will do that every other day and on the days in between I was going to start walking. well Tuesday on my day for walking I couldn't go out I had to wait in for the TV man to come.So I decided to run up and down the stairs and see how many times I could do it. I managed 200 times, and I am sure that must have been just as good as walking I enjoyed it so much that I have decided I will keep doing it and see how much I can improve. On thursday I managed 210, I know it wasn't very much more, but it was more and I am working on improving it further.Tuesday I was very sore from the callanetics, someone told me it was just my muscles way of whispering to me that they hadn't been used in a while....Hell mine weren't whispering they were yelling their heads off...lol but as they say No pain No gain...I know I did myself some good :)
I got to speak to Hillary on saturday night/sunday morning which was fantastic. She said I spoke very softly...lol course I did it was 4am here when I called her, didn't want to wake the house up especially hubby, as I hadn't actually mentioned to him at the time that I was going to call Hillary :)
Also this week I got to meet Judith and her husband I couldn't believe it when I realised I lived less than 5 minutes away from her. Every friday she is going to come over to my house along with my sister and we are all going to get weighed together, that should be great encouragement for us all. This week has been a good week for us all I am pleased to report another 2lbs weight loss.
I think there have been many things this week that will stick in my mind that have pleased me, but one thing in particular was a single comment from someone who would never even think to pay anyone a compliment, it takes him most of his time to even say hello, thats my brother. I saw him for the first time since christmas on saturday and he said " god sis you've lost some weight..looking good ". I can't tell you what that meant to me, I could have cried, because I know he meant it.

Week 24 : Friday 27th July 2001 Weight =264lbs. No weigh in this week as I went away on thursday night.

What an exciting week this has been. It was my mums 60th birthday at the weekend and we were having a big party for her. It was a chance to catch up on seeing old friends and family that I haven't seen in years. And for most of those years before, whenever there has been a family function, I have been on one of my latest diets, so this time I gave myself the day off my diet.
Since I started my weightloss journey any special occasions like this I have taken my own food and stuck to my eating plan...well after losing 90lbs I decided that I had earned the right to have one day off, and I allowed myself to eat anything I wanted without counting the calories and I wasn't going to feel guilty about it.

Now the day after, the question is ...was it worth it?
and my answer ...
In one way Yes, but in most respects it was A big fat NO !!!!!!!

Firstly I found I couldn't eat as much as I used to be able to eat, but as I was allowing myself to have anything I still went ahead and ate it even tho I realsied I was just eating it for the sake of eating it and it soon became apparent that I wasn't really enjoying it. As the evening went on I found that I was just feeling uncomfortable with the over full feeling...In the past, that feeling would have been normal and I would have thought nothing about it. thats how I used to feel all the time. Later in the evening I started to get indegestion and heart burn, that lasted most of the night and at one point I even had to get up in the night to take something to ease it...
So why I hear you ask did I say that it was worth it?
well that is easy to answer I think it was worth it because it made me realise that firstly I have the strength and determination to let myself go once in a while and not fall back into my old eating ways and get straight back on track.

Secondly, it showed me that I no longer enjoy all those foods that I used to eat and thought I would never be able to live without.
But the reasons I feel made it not worthwhile. I didn't enjoy the feeling of being overstuffed, feeling uncomfortable, the pain of the indegestion and heartburn, the lack of sleep caused by the pain. realising that the more I do that, the longer it will take me to reach my final goal and will only make reaching it a lot harder.

In closing I would just like to say that I am not sorry and don't feel guilty for doing it...I am looking at it as an experiment and with the results I got from it, I can safely say it is one I will think very carefully about before I ever repeat it again.
My own personal feeling is that I prefer the things I eat now to what I ate yesterday and I like feeling satisfied more than I like feeling stuffed

I wasn't able to get weighed this week because I went away on thursday for the weekend, but even after my massive pig out on saturday, for the rest of the week I have stuck well to my calorie allowance and sunday, monday and tuesday, I stuck to 1000 calories strictly to make up for what I over ate on saturday. so I am very hopeful of a weightloss at next weeks weigh in.

Week 25 : Saturday 3rd August 2001 Weight 269lbs Gain=4lbs

What a very depressing week. I can honestly say I have never been as depressed as I have been this week since before I started my diet. It all started when I got back from my weekend away.
I am the first person who will tell you that you should weigh your self no more than once a week and that you should try to stick to the same time and wearing as close to the same clothes as possible. But I just couldn't help myself, by Wednesday I just had to have a look, I was only 8lbs away from my half way goal when I last got weighed and even though I had over eaten at my mums party I knew I had been so good since, that I would easily have made up for it. Out came the scale and I remembered they needed a new battery, so I toddled off to get one, came back, put it in, then stepped on holding my breath, almost too scared to look at the dial. When I did it still said battery error. My son looked rather sheepish, and tried to make a very speedy exit.
It turns out that it probably didn't need a new battery at all, my son had dropped it.
When my husband got home from work, he took it apart to see if he could see what was wrong and try to repair it, but unfortunately the balance mechanism inside had snapped off....it was completely irreperable. It was very expensive when I bought it and I just couldn't afford to replace it. So you can imagine how upset I was. I was so sure I was getting close to my first major goal, and now I wouldn't know if I had reached it or not.
Yesterday on my normal weigh in day, I was just so upset about it, I felt as though my day was missing something, I have my set routine in place now for weigh in days and it was all thrown out.
I looked online for one of my local stores to see exactly how much it was going to cost to replace the scale. I couldn't find one the same, but I did find one that was highly recommended by Weight Watchers for just over $40. This was a lot cheaper than the last scale. I told my husband about it and he said if it was recommended by Weight Watchers, it must be good because an organisation as big as theirs wouldn't recommend any old rubbish and he said I could have it. He went out first thing this morning and bought it for me. So that was a happy ending to a very depressing week I hear you thinking...How wrong you are!!!
I knew it was going to be a mistake to weigh myself today, because TOM, arrives today to pay its usual visit and my losses at this time of the month have usually been non existant and in some cases I have gained up to 5lbs.
When I got on I was horrified to see I weighed 269lbs that is an increase of 19lbs since I was last weighed. I was sure it couldn't be right, so I got my husband and my son to weigh themselves too. They both weighed 15lbs more on this new scale than they did on the old one. So I have to accept that this scale is showing a difference of 15lbs. If this is my true weight now, then it also means that my original starting weight was 354lbs and not the 339lbs ,meaning I have a total of 212lbs to lose instead of the 196lbs that I first thought and it also means that since my last weigh in I have gained 5lbs :(
Now I can hear you all asking yourselves..how...when I got a print out from the scale when I first started my diet could I not have known my exact weight..well the reason is quite simple..over here in the UK we weigh ourselves in stones and pounds 1 stone = 14lbs the print out I got from the scale said 25stone 4lbs and when I converted it to just pounds I came up with 339lbs instead of the 354lbs that it should have been...Math was never my strong point at school and quite obvioulsy still isn't :)
I am now going to have to go back through every entry on my page and change the weights. I know it doesn't really matter what my starting weight was and that the amount I have already lost isn't going to change at all, but it is still very depressing to think I was lighter than I actually am.
Of course it does also now mean that my half way goal has increased from losing 98lbs to having to lose 105.5lbs having a 4lb weight gain this week now means I am back to being 19.5lbs from my halfway goal... I feel miserable:(
I have cried and cried about it today, I know there is nothing I can do about it and I just have to accept it and get on with it, but today I am allowing myself to be miserable. Tomorrow is another day and I will be back to my usual happy self full of determination to shift that extra 19.5lbs faster :)
I will now be weighing myself on a saturday from now on too, I am taking today as a new start.
Well here is hoping for a much better week to come than the one that has just gone :)

Week 26 : Friday 10th August 2001 Weight = 268lbs Loss = 1lb

Well I got over my scale fiasco pretty quickly thanks to all the words of encouragement and support from all my diet buddies. Tom arrived on monday a little later than I expected, and is being particularly nasty this month. Today is friday and it is still as bad as the first day, my feet are still swollen and I feel very bloated so I was pretty worried about getting on the scale. I did it anyway and I have lost 1lb so I am really pleased with that under the circumstances.
I have been pretty good with my exercise routine even tho I haven't really been feeling up to doing it, I have made myself, so I am pleased with that too.
My mum went to the hospital earlier in the week and got weighed there then came to see me and weighed herself on my scale and her weight was exactly the same as at the hospital, so that makes me feel better knowing that my new scale is pretty accurate. She has also decided that she is going to start calorie counting too and is going to come down every wednesday morning to get weighed.That has given me a new incentive to stick to my own eating plan...hehehe...a little competition :)
I'm feeling as tho I am right back on track again now and I'm looking forward to my next weeks weigh in :)

Week 27 : Friday 17th August 2001 Weight =264 lbs Loss =4lbs

Well it has finally happened...When I started this diet my clothes were a size 30-32 and I had no idea what size I was in just now.
My mum has given me a few clothes that were ranging in sizes, but on saturday I went to her house for lunch and decided to go through her wardrobe and try on some of her clothes...All her size 24 clothes I could get into, and I don't mean just sqeeze into them, they all fit really well.
I came home with a skirt and 2 blouses that she said I could have because they look better on me than they do on her:). So to say I was happy would be an understatement.:)
Its at times like this , that makes all the daily struggles all worthwhile, I can't even begin to imagine what the feeling is going to be like when I reach my final goal.
I have stuck really well to my eating and exercise plan this week and all the hard work has paid off and I am pleased to be able to report that I have lost another 4lbs again this week.
After the little hiccup with the scale fiasco, I feel I am right back on track again and well settled into my regular routine.
And if I needed cheering up any more, I can also give myself another star for my folder, its been a while since I had one of those :)
Looking forward to the coming week :)

Week 28 : Friday 24th August 2001 Weight =260lbs Loss =4lbs

What a great week it has been, I have been kept really busy with decorating which has obviously helped in my weight loss program because this week was another loss of 4lbs and I was so pleased about that.
Its always nice to have a good weightloss, but after a few weeks of only losing 1-2lbs then staying the same and also gaining a little, I was starting to get a little bit down, never in any danger of giving up, but just getting a bit lost for ways to keep myself inspired and motivated.
Well now I am back on track and my half way goal is getting closer again, now just 10.5lbs away :)
My money box is getting fed pretty well too as I am putting £1 into it for every pound in weight I lose, I only started to do that last week, but I am going to try and put as much in as I can spare each week to make it up to the £95 which I have already lost. And when I reach my final goal it will contain £213 which will go some way to buying a plane ticket to go and see Hillary, what more of an incentive do I need to stick at this :)
For the first time this week, I actually noticed the difference in the way I look.
I went to the supermarket on thursday and as I was walking inside the store, I caught sight of my reflection in the window, and I just stopped in my tracks and stared at myself, I must have stood there looking at myself for a good few minutes until I realsied that everyone inside was staring back at me, wondering why I was staring at them, I felt such and idiot and quickly got inside, but have to admit I was laughing to myself, I felt good :)
I have set myself a challenge to lose 30lbs by christmas, which is now only 17 weeks away...yukk, where has this year gone :).
I don't really know if it is possible to reach that goal, but I will give it my best shot, whatever I lose will be a bonus, I will still be looking a whole lot better this christmas than I have done for all the years past.
I'm looking forward to the week ahead, I have a lot of exercise planned, mainly walking which will get me out into the fresh air and hopefully help me to have another good loss again next week
I still haven't finished decorating yet, but that has been put on hold for the next week as I have a friend staying this next week,so thats a good excuse not to have to do that :)
There isn't really that much left to do so it should only take me a few hours when I do start it again. But for now I am just concentrating on the coming week, I know it will be a good week, and I feel pretty confident that even having a friend staying, I can stick well to my eating plan.

Week 29 : Friday 31st August 2001 Weight =260 lbs Loss =0lbs

After 2 goods weeks weightlosses I was getting really excited again that my half way target was getting close. I had a really good week on my eating plan and the exercise went really well too. All that walking made me feel good and I was really looking forward to this weeks weigh in.
That was until I woke up this morning and felt like the back end of a bus. Aunt Flo arrived to pay her visit and spoiled my party :)

Although I feel very bloated I haven't gained anything, haven't lost any either, so I should be pleased ....Should be, but I'm not.
I know the reason why I haven't lost anything, but for some reason today that isn't helping and i'm miserable about it.
I want to eat everything in sight, not because I'm miserable, but because I feel really really hungry. it's only 5.30pm and already I have had 1100 caloriesand I haven't had dinner yet.

The question is, do I have something really light and stick to my allowance, or should I just say Oh what the hell and have what I want and cut back tomorrow.

Well as I am just so hungry I am going to go for the second option and have whatever I want. I don't know why I am so hungry, but I am and if I go to bed feeling the same I know I am in danger of waking up in the kitchen after having eaten something in my sleep, something I used to do a lot, but haven't done since I started this new healthy eating plan. At least if I eat now, I will know exactly how many calories I need to cut back tomorrow instead of just guessing at what I ate while I was sleep walking ( or sleep eating ...lol )

Well that is another week over with, it has been a good one even though the weigh in doesn't agree, but I'm still in a good frame of mind and looking forward to the coming week.

Week 30 : Friday 7th September 2001 Weight = 259lbs Loss =1lb

I opted to over eat last friday, but I made up for it on the saturday and the rest of the week has gone really well.
My husband took me out shopping on saturday and bought me some new running shoes, leggings and a t-shirt.
I have to say, trying on the clothes gave me more of a thrill than actually buying them.
I have always had to buy my clothes from either Evans which caters only for larger women or the mens section in the clothes stores, and there I always had to buy size XXL. So you can imagine how great it felt when on saturday I was trying on clothes in size L and finding they fit just nicely :)
The leggings that he bought me were a size 18...Ok I know I am not actually a size 18 and that it is only because they are made from stretchy material that they fit, but before I would have to buy a size 30 and yes they are stretchy material too. The other thing is that buying from stores for the larger lady is much more expensive...the leggings that I got from there cost me £30 ($48) and the ones that my husband bought me on saturday from a "normal sized" store were only ($16)....I could have 3 pairs from there for the same price as one pair from the other store....If I needed any more incentive to keep going that certainly gave me it :)

My husband also bought himself a lovelly red shirt and when we got home I just couldn't resist trying it on, it fit perfectly :) Now he is getting a bit fed up because I can fit into his clothes now, so it's definitely a case of first up best dressed :)

I got my brother in law to take some more photographs earlier in the week and I am just waiting for him to send them to me now and as soon as he does I will post them on the page, I am wearing my husbands new shirt and my new leggings :)
I have to admit that I was a little disappointed today when I weighed in and I had only lost 1 lb. Once again I know it is good to have any kind of loss and I can only put it down to the fact that my half way goal is so close and I just want to reach it as quickly as possible. Well I guess that just makes me human :)
I was really thrilled yesterday, my sister came down to get weighed and I was wearing my leggings that hubby bought me and she told me I looked great. I still feel a little self concious wearing them because my belly is still too big, but I usually wear a long t-shirt which hides it most of the time :), but that compliment from her really gave me a boost after feeling a bit down with only losing a pound. And thats another thing that is going to help me stick well to my eating and exercise plan this coming week.

Week 31 : Friday 14 th September 2001 Weight = 257lbs Loss =2lbs

What a truely horrendous week this has been with all that has happened in America, it has been very hard to stay focussed. But as so many of my friends from America have said, we have to look ahead and not let ourselves get too down over what has happened, no matter how difficult that may be, if we do we allow the terrorists to think they have won another victory.
I finally got my new photographs back and have posted them on the webpage, I expect most of you have seen them by now.:)
As far as my diet has gone I have done pretty well, I have managed to stick to my calorie allowance, even though the last couple of days I really haven't felt like eating I have just felt so sickened by this enormouse tragedy, but I have forced myself to in order to keep my calories up.
I have kept up with my exercises and I was really looking forward to this weeks weigh in.
Tom arrived last week, so I was pretty hopeful of a good loss this week, however it only lasted a day and has threatened all week to make a return visit to finish what it started, but thankfully it didn't return today and I can report another 2lbs lost :).... whoohoo, now only 7.5lbs away from my half way goal :)
I am going away on holiday next week so this will be my last weigh in day before I go. I really wanted to be at my half way goal before I went, but it doesn't matter that I'm not, I will just try really hard to stick with it while I am away and hope I have reached it when I get back, as I have said this isn't a race and my date I set to reach my half way goal was looking on the optimistic side it would have meant that I had to lose at least 4lbs every week since I started to reach it but as I am only 7.5lbs from it now I guess I have done pretty well so I am not going to beat myself up about it I know I am going to get there soon :)
I'm going to miss getting weighed next week and the week after, I know I shouldn't really do it, but I also know I won't be able to resist weighing myself next thursday before I go and again when I get back. They wont be on my official weigh in days, so I will not be recording the weights as accurate, I will wait until my first official weigh in day after I get back to do that.

Week 32 : Friday 21 st September 2001 Weight = 257lbs No weigh in away on vacation

This has been another good week. I am really going to miss not being weighed tomorrow, but I know I have been good so I shouldn't have anything to worry about. I just hope I have the strength to stick to my eating plan while I am away.
Reaching the half way goal is such an important milestone for me just now. It may sound a bit silly, but I have always thought I could get to my final goal, but once I reach that half way point...I will Know I DEFINITELY CAN get to it, because I will only have to lose as much weight as I have already lost...sounds simple doesn't it :)

Week 33 : Friday 28 th September 2001 Weight = 257lbs No weigh in away on vacation

Well I did manage to stay away from the scale on thursday before I left for my vacation. Its funny how you get into the habbit of weighing on the same day and as it was a thursday I just completely forgot I wouldn't be getting weighed but that was a good thing.
I had a great time while I was away, I managed to stick really well to my eating plan and I did loads of walking and exercise, I think in the back of my mind I was so focussed on my half way goal that I found it really easy to stick with it. Although it was a vacation, I know I want to be slim more than anything and there will be plenty of other vacations when I am slim to let my hair down, just a little :)
I was a bit disappointed to find TOM arrived on the saturday morning that I returned from vacation, but as I had been so good while I was away, I still couldn't stop myself jumping onto the scale to have a quick look, Yeah I know I shouldn't, but hey...I am only human after all. I was really thrilled to see that the scale registered another 3lbs lost and as it was also TOM...I was over the moon :)
I won't be recording that weight as an official loss as it wasn't taken on my normal weigh in day, but I am really looking forward to my next weigh in now for sure :)
I want it to be next friday NOWWWWWWWWWW...lol...I just hope I'm not disappointed then, I know from the past when I was jumping on the scales every day and in some cases several times a day, just how much your weight can differe from hour to hour, never mind day to day. the one thing I am sure about is that I will have lost something...how much remains to be seen, but if its less than 3lbs, don't read next weeks journal, I wont be a happy bunny...lol

Week 34 : Friday 5 th October 2001 Weight =252 lbs Loss = 5lbs

This has been another good week. I had 2 major hurdles to contend with this week. Saturday was my birthday and Monday was my 19th wedding anniversary.
Ok so the birthday wasn't really a problem as far as eating went because most of the day I spent on a train returning from my vacation. The wedding anniversary however, was more of a challenge. I thought it would be nice to cook Mark a nice dinner. Unfortunately his favourite meals are also my favourite meals. He loves cream fillead chocolate gateau's, so I had to buy him one of those. He sat down to a large plate of pasta stuffed with ricotta cheese and a ham and cream sauce, I had a calorie counted meal of tagliatelle carbonara. He had his chocolate and cream gateau and I had a weight watchers fromage frais...lol...I didn't mind really because I do like the tagliatelle meal that I had and I really enjoyed it...I won't lie tho, the sight of that chocolate gateau did have me drooling and it took a lot of inner strength to resist it...but resist it I did...I sound like such an angel, but I want to reach this half way goal and having any of that would only have made reaching it further away.
Mark took me to see a concert on Tuesday night a joint birthday/ wedding anniversary present. As it is really difficult to park in the town centre we decided to hop on a train, Mark said he knew where the concert was and that the train dropped us off just round the corner from it. Sounded good to me.
When we got into town (half and hour before the concert started ) I asked him where exactly it was, he said Oxford street at the university in the students union....Ok I know that means nothing to you, but I know Oxford street is 7 miles long and from memory I was pretty sure the student union was at least half way down it...He insisted it wasn't so off we set walking. Well after 5 minutes we spotted the student union building, I was pleased to have been proved wrong and went in...only to be told that there were 2 student union halls and this was the wrong one, the other was at the other end of oxford street, some 5 miles away ....lol...not so wrong
We decided we would start walking and try to flag down a cab.....get a cab in the town centre ...no chance...we ended up running most of the way to make it in time.
Yep RUNNING !!!!! ME!!!!! I swear I thought I was gonna die when we got there, but get there we did and in time for the concert too.
I really enjoyed the concert, but more than anything when I had gotten my breath back, I was just pleased with myself for actually being able to run so far...well for actually being able to run at all...I can't remember the last time I did that
I'm just glad I wore my trainers and not my silly high heeled shoes I think I would probably still be trying to get there now if I had those on ...lol
Well for what should have been a relaxing evening, it ended up giving me one of the best workouts all week
Well I'm pleased to say that all the hard work has payed off, at my weigh in today I was down by 5lbs, I was thrilled, Ok ..... I admit it, I was a little disappointed , I wanted to have lost all that 7.5lbs....lol
Unfortunately I am again going to miss next weeks official weigh in, because I am going away for the weekend again, so that should mean the next time I weigh in I will have reached that half way goal.:)
I feel so good just now, I am like a kid waiting for santa to arrive, It really makes me wonder why it took me so long to get control of myself and do something about my weight, how could I have let myself miss all these great feelings for so long? I just can't wait to see what it feels like to reach my final goal.
I am really looking forward to my next week of healthy eating and exercise :)

Week 35 : Friday 12 th October 2001 No weigh in this week away for the weekend

This has been a hard week...Not following my eating plan or the exercise, just the fact that I knew I was going away on thursday and todays weigh in would be missed. Reaching this half way goal is just so important to me I really wanted to be weighed, but I was disciplined, I didn't get on the scales before I went because if for any reason I had reached my goal and then at official weigh in day I hadn't I would be just so disappointed and at this stage I really don't want to be disappointed.
I have tried as much as I can to keep my mind focussed and I have been out jogging a couple of times, well it was really more of a few minutes jogging then a few minutes walking while I caught my breath, then another few minutes jogging...and on it went...lol...well at least it is better than doing nothing. Other than that it has been a very quiet and uneventful week and I don't really have much to report. To say I can't wait for next weeks weigh in would be an understatement, but I'm sure you all know how I am feeling :)

Week 36 : Friday 19 th October 2001 Weight = 248lbs Loss = 4lbs

Well what can I say.... YAYYYYY I've done it. I am so pleased I cried when I got on the scales, can you imagine what a feeling it was. I'm on the homeward straight now, I'm passed half way. Yeah this is only half way and I cried I have no idea what I am going to feel like when I hit that final goal, but I sure can't wait to find out :)
I had a great weekend away last week up until saturday night when I pulled my hamstring, and Oh boy was that ever painful, I used to think footballers were just prima donnas when they got a hamstring injury...now they have my deepest sympathies.lol.
The eating has gone really well and I have done what I can with exercise although obviously it has been a little restricted with the leg and walking/jogging is out of the question for a weeks or so, but I will get back to it.
I have been so nervous all week about todays weigh in and I have been trying to keep myself really focussed. I have been looking at magazines trying to find a picture of what I want my hair to be done like and I think I have found the one I want. My sister has recommended a really good hairdresser, I've made an appointment for tuesday, I wanted to have it done as soon as possible I really wanted it to be today or tomorrow but I couldn't get an appointment until Tuesday :( so that it feels I am rewarding myself straight away for reaching my half way target, somehow having to wait a few days it loses a bit of the effect, a bit like getting a birthday card a week or so after your birthday when you've already taken all the others down and put them away...yeah I'm one of those people who puts them all away and never throws them out..hehehe..I know I'm rambling on here about absolutely nothing, can you all tell how happy I am. Come on all of you out there..keep hanging in there and experience these feelings I'm feeling...everyone should feel like this :)
I am looking forward to this next week but I'm a bit nervous about next weeks weigh in because it will be TOM next week, but even if I gain next week I know the reason why and I know I have hit my half way target :)

Week 37 : Friday 26th October 2001 Weight = 248lbs Loss = 0lbs

Well what a great week it has been. I visited all my female relatives who are all a lot slimmer than me and raided their cupboards and wardrobes, I now have a wardrobe that looks like someone elses when I open it. Nothing in there is mine...well its all mine now, just feels funny when I look in there and see nothing that I'm used to wearing :)
Most of the clothes are a size 22, but there are a few things in there ranging from a size 12 up to a size 24 and apart from one suit (size 12 )and a pair of trousers size 14 I can fit into everything...I know I am not a size 16 yet but 3 pairs of trousers are a size 16 and they fit me really nicely, it is probably due to the fact that they have been washed and have quite probably stretched since they were new and also the way they have been cut, but it still makes me feel good to know I am wearing something that has a size 16 label in the back:) If you pop on over to my gallery you can see the new photographs of me, on them I am wearing one of the pairs of size 16 trousers and a size 20 shirt.
I had my hair done on tuesday and now not only do I feel like a totally different person, I also look like one. Everyone keeps telling me now how much better I look and now that I have lost so much weight and had my hair done they say I even look much younger too...I have to admit I do feel younger, must be because of all the extra energy I've got these days and probably all the healthy food I'm eating.
Well today was weigh in day and I have to say I was dreading it ....it is TOM time and although it hasn't started yet, I feel bloated and crampy :( The doctor told me my new method of contraception may throw things out of sink for a while which could make things a bit tough with regard to not knowing if weight gain is caused by that or not, but so long as I keep sticking to my eating and exercise plan and do nothing wrong I'll just have to accept that it may be down to that and nothing I have or haven't done...sounds so easy to say that, but it isn't easy when you find you have gained weight when you know you have been really good.
This weeks weigh in was a little disappointing after the high last week of reaching my half way target, (and this is exactly what I mean about it not always being easy). I knew it was TOM and I always used to gain weight around this time. This week the scale stayed the same I didn't lose, but I didn't gain either...See what I mean, I should be really pleased with that, but after being so happy all week because I finally reached that important goal for me, I feel a little disappointed about not losing anything. I can fully understand how some people can get disheartened when this happens and just give up completely, especially when they reach that plateau stage. That is something I know will happen, but I'm doing my best to keep my mind focussed and I will do everything I can to try and make sure it doesn't last long. From the things I have read it seems that when it does you just need to increase your activity levels a little to give your body a boost. I also read an article about a husband and wife who were losing weight and both hit the plateau stage at the same time, to get over it they had a week off their healthy eating plan...for a whole week they did no exercise and ate whatever they wanted without bothering to count calories...In that week the wife gained 4lbs and the husband gained 3lbs. The next week they went back to their normal healthy routine of diet and exercise and the wife lost 6lbs and the husband lost 4.5lbs and they have been losing steadily since...They believe that their metabolism had got used to the way they had adjusted their lifestyle and that no matter how much they increased their activity levels it didn't seem to be making a difference. so by overloading their bodies again with calories and stopping the exercise for a week it fooled their metabloism and gave it a jump start again...Now I don't know if that is true or not, but it is certainly something I am going to try and find a little bit more about...to be forewarned is to be forearmed as they say :)
Well another week closer to that final goal, I need to set myself another mini one now to keep me focussed, I'll have a think about it and let you know what I come up with next week.

Week 38 : Friday 2nd November 2001 Weight = 246lbs Loss = 2lbs

Well I have to admit to being very disappointed with last weeks weigh in even though I knew the reason for it and it took me a few days to get a grip. I had no trouble sticking with my eating plan, but I lacked the motivation to do any exercise until monday, when I finally got it into my head that without the exercise this week would probably end up being a disappointing weigh in too. So I got my act together and got right back on the exercise track.
I think after the high point of reaching my half way goal, I was definitely in a bit of a slump. Although I am proud of getting this far I had started to let myself think about how far I still have to go. I think part of my problem last week was feeling that I had come to a stop after reaching the halfway point and staying at the same weight..funny how our minds play these tricks on us.
Well todays weigh in was a good one...another 2lbs gone, I now feel as though I am back on the road and I feel much happier to be moving again.
I took my nephew to his thai boxing class last night, it is held in a local gym...While I was waiting, I kept thinking about going asking about the price of membership, but managed to keep talking myself out of it. I still feel really concious about my size. I know I am a lot slimmer than when I started, but anyone seeing me now for the first time will just think of me as a very fat person.
Well eventually, I realised that I do need to tone up and the gym is obviously the best place to do it. So eventually I plucked up the courage to go to the reception desk. When I went in at first there was a lady on the desk, but typically when I rang the bell it was a man that came out to see me. I felt really embarrassed, but I didn't let it put me off. I just said could you give me a price for membership...He was really nice, he gave me the price, asked me where I had heard about the gym and why I wanted to join. I told him about my weightloss, and he was so full of praise..He insisted on showing me around the gym. Again I was really embarrassed because I knew there were people in there, but he more or less dragged me through.
Now once we got inside I can honestly say I wish the ground could have opened up and swallowed me. The gym was filled with men...On the far side there were 3 men who had the biggest muscles I have ever seen in my life...weight lifting. At the top of his voice, he shouted...right you lot, this lady here has just lost 107lbs and wants to get toned up and fit so can you all show her some toned muscles. Well the 3 big muscle men started flexing their muscles...One of them came over to me and said..go on feel those..you know you want to and he held out his arm...Oh brother...drool drool...hehehe I do like a man with muscles :)
The thing is..everyone was so friendly and made me feel really welcome. Don't know what sort of reaction I'd get from the women tho, but to be honest after last night I don't care, I've decided as soon as I can afford it I'm going to join. And the guy who showed me around said he would happily be my personal trainer :)
On the way home I called in at my sisters because it was my neices birthday and I wanted to drop her card and present off. I haven't seen my brother in law for a few weeks and when I got out of the car, he was standing in the garden and he said good grief Ali, your looking really great..I said aww thanks and he just said no I really mean it, you look brilliant...So all in all yesterday was a great day and I came home more motivated than ever.:)
Todays weigh in has just put the icing on the cake and I'm really looking forward to the coming week.

Week 39: Friday 9th November 2001 Weight =244 lbs Loss =2lbs

Three amazing things happened last weekend which made me feel so good. It may not seem much to anyone else but it was a lot to me.
Firstly.
It may sound silly, but I have never had a pair of pyjamas, and I had always wanted some, last christmas my husband bought me a pair of red satin pyjamas, size 30-32. They were a snug fit to say the least. When I sat down they were tight across my belly and my chest.
Well on saturday night I was getting myself ready for bed and even thought my pyjamas are now very baggy on me, I still wear them because they are so comfortable and I love them. When I put the pants on, I noticed they felt a bit tight, my husband just looked at me and started laughing. It wasn't until I tried to move that I realised I had put both my legs in the same leg hole. I couldn't believe it, but it made me realise just how much weight I have lost already.
Secondly
Whenever I eat my meals I always sit at the dinner table, because my belly was just so big that I wasn't able to rest my plate on my knees to eat in front of the tv. On sunday lunch time, I went to my mums for lunch, I didn't realise it was ready until she brought it into the lounge for me and she just put it on my knee. Again I couldn't believe it, I hadn't actually realised that there was a space between my knees and my belly because it is something that I just don't do out of habbit. She thought there was something wrong with the meal because I was just sitting staring at it...she laughed when I told her what it really was.
Thirdly
My chest has always been so large that at every meal I should have used a bib, because I always spilt food down myself no matter how careful I was, I would always bang my arm on my boob and.whoops...there went my food, but it always got caught by my enormous chest. Well I have noticed just recently that I haven't been spilling quite as much food down myself as I used to, and on sunday my mum said something that made me laugh and I dropped the food from my fork just as I was putting it into my mouth, I reached automatically for the kitchen tissue to wipe myself down, when I looked at my chest there was nothing there...the food had fallen straight to my plate, and again for the first time I noticed just how much space there was between my chest and my plate. I had to get up and go and sit at the table just to see if it was because I was sitting in a different position, but no it wasn't, there was still a huge gap between me and my plate. As I said this may sound like a silly thing to anyone else, but to me it means so much.
On Tuesday morning I logged online to check my emails and I was brought to tears by one that was sent to me by Shirley not tears of sadness I have to say :) . I have decided to just copy it here so you can all see exactly what Shirley did.

You have been nominated for the women of strength award by Shirley
What are the Women of Strength Awards?
They're exactly what they sound like. Secret and Oxygen have banded together to seek out and reward women who inspire, enlighten, and teach. We've asked our users to tell us whom THEY most admire -- and then spread the word to friends and family to start logging in their votes. The nominee who receives the most votes will win $2,500 and the person who made the original nomination will win $1000.
This is where you come in. We're looking for exceptional women, and someone out there thinks you're exactly what we're looking for.
And here is why you have been nominated:
I am voting for Alison because I stumbled onto her website and can't believe the strength and persaverance this lady has. She decided that at 355 lbs she was going to lose weight. To date this woman has lost 102lbs, and is still going strong. She has reached her half way goal and has documented every step of the way to help other people in the same situation. I believe this woman has shown amazing strength and persaverance, to become healthy. A story this woman relayed was about how this past summer her son and her played an active activity (tennis) for the first time ever! She was brought to tears when he ran around at a family gathering saying, "Mommy and I played, Mommy and I played" This women has yet a long road ahead of her. I believe she is going to get there! And now I believe, through all her support, so am I. I am sure she has been a huge inspiration to many others who have encountered her website. I believe she deserves to win!!!

Can you imagine how I felt when I read that ? :)
Unfortunately I can't accept the nomination because it is only open to residents of the USA, but it doesn't matter, just knowing that someone is getting so much inspiration and help by me doing something for myself is more than enough reward :)
Well that has certainly made my day.
Well I also took a major step forward for me today. My wonderful husband gave me the money to join the gym and I joined this morning.
I have just come back from my first session. I have a personal trainer and he spent half an hour showing me how to use the equipment properly and then he put me through a full hour work out and designed a program based on my fitness levels today. Which surpriseingly enough were actually very good according to him, he said I was a whole lot fitter than a lot of his trainees when they first started. I have to say that I never thought I would ever have the courage to join a gym, and in fact I would quite easily say that losing the amount of weight that I have lost so far has been a whole lot easier than it was to actually walk into that gym to join. But I had no need to worry about it really, everyone in there was really nice and Scott was so supportive and motivational, I know I am really going to enjoy going.
The only thing he told me not to get discouraged about was that if I either don't lose any weight or do in fact gain a few pounds over the next few weeks, because it will just be muscle building up..This was in fact something I was aware of and I have prepared myself for it. The other thing was that he recommended that I get measured so that I can really see inch for inch how much my body is changing. Well I never measured myself when I first started this weightloss journey for the simple reason that I couldn't, the tape measure just wouldn't go around me and it measures up to 60 inches. well I let Scott measure me today so I have a good starting point to see how much effect the gym workouts have and my measurements as of today are officially 54-49-54.
I really can't explain in words just how good I feel right now, but to say I am on top of the world would be an understatement.:)
We'll have to see if I feel as good tomorrow, when all my muscles are aching...lol
This weeks weigh in was also another good one. Another 2lbs gone :)
I'm really looking forward to next week I'll be going to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Thursday, it will normally be Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but I will be away again next friday, so I have to go the day before, that also means I will miss mext weeks weigh in, so I won't know if I actually gain or lose anything from the workouts until the following week, I'm hoping I won't gain, but I really don't mind if I do, at least I know if I stick to my eating plan, it won't be fat that I have put on it will be nice lean muscle :)

Week 40: Friday 16th November 2001 No weigh in away again for the weekend

This week started off with my first visit to the gym after my induction. I seem to have become somewhat of a celebrity there, it appears everyone knows me as that lady who has lost so much weight..lol
I was a little embarrassed by all the attention at first because drawing attention to myself while I am still so big was the last thing I wanted to do. But in fact this sort of attention is helping because everyone knows how much weight I have already lost and can obviously see I am working hard to lose the rest of it. So my biggest fear of people staring and laughing at me hasn't happened and it has made it a pleasure to go and work out. My first two sessions went ok, I found all the exercises pretty easy to do and I wasn't sore the day after like I expected to be. My trainer increased my repetitions at my wednesday session and I was starting to feel the burn as I reached the end of them. I certainly felt it when I woke up on thursday morning.
My stomach muscles were really complaining, but that just shows it's doing some good.
I went up to Glasgow on thursday again for the weekend, so I missed this weeks weigh in.
Normally when I am on the train, I sit squashed into the seat and the little pull down tray attatched to the back of the seat in front for you to put things on, always stays up, because I can't put it down, my belly is too big and it ends up wedged on that at such an angle that there is no way I could put anything on it even if I wanted to.
Well not this time....I pulled it down and was amazed that it went all the way down and didn't even touch my belly, there was at least a 2 inch gap between me and it..in fact I sat and wrote this journal on it, and oh boy ...what a thrill :)
The other thing is that I never use the bathroom on the train, no matter how desperate I am, the journey is almost 4 hours long and I sit there the whole way sometimes bursting, but I will never get up and go for two reasons.
1. They look so small and I didn't think I would be able to squeeze into them.
2. I never wanted to get out of my seat and walk down the train compartment because I didn't want people to be staring at me.
Well after realising I could pull down the tray, I decided to use the bathroom this time. I certainly am feeling a lot more confident in myself, even though I still have a long way to go.
Instead of walking along the train with my head facing the ground avoiding looking at people and hoping they weren't looking at me, I walked with my head up and anyone that did look at me I looked back. I was amazed to find that my look back was usually met with a smile and in one case, from rather a good looking young man a wink :)
Well that did make my eyes hit the floor rather rapidly and my cheeks flush bright red. I'm certainly not used to that sort of reaction from men and I had no idea how to react to it.
I was right about one thing though and that is the bathroom on trains is really really small, I didn't have any trouble fitting in it, but I think I may have had when I started this diet, so I'm pretty glad I never attempted to go then :) I have exercised well this week and I have stuck well to my eating plan, can't wait for next weeks weigh in

Week 41: Friday 23rd November 2001 Weight =242lbs Weight Loss = 2lbs

I got back from my weekend in Glasgow late on sunday evening and by monday lunch time I just couldn't help myself, I just had to jump on the scales to see how I had done. I was hoping and praying I wouldn't have put on any weight, not that I had been bad, because I have stuck really well to my eating plan, it was just worrying about the exercise.
After saying I had stuck well to my eating plan, I did have a chinese takeaway on thursday evening when I got to Glasgow, but I had eaten nothing all day and I estimated it was around 1500 calories for the whole meal, I intended to eat the whole lot, but I just couldn't manage it...not only that I also didn't really enjoy it, I am so used to not eating anything fatty now, the meal just tasted so greasy and I think that is probably one of the reasons I couldn't finish it.
As I wasn't sure about the calories in it, I did stick to 1000 calories on the friday just in case.
Now as I was saying, on the monday when I got home I jumped on the scales and they said another pound down. Although I had been warned I may not lose anything and may even gain, I was still disappointed at only losing a pound, I know I should have been pleased, but I wasn't...It just felt that all that hard work I had put into the exercise wasn't paying off. I know that is definitely not the case and I know my muscles need time to build up, but like everyone else I want instant results...If only it was so simple :)
I went to the gym on monday morning, and I confessed to my trainer that I had been on the scales and was disappointed about the pound loss. He said that he only planned on measuring me once a month, but as I was down about things he would do it then even though it had only been 9 days since I was first measured.
My measurements on monday were 53-45-53. I just couldn't believe it. That is a loss of 6 inches in 9 days. I was absolutely thrilled to bits with that, and it made me feel a whole lot better about only losing a pound.
At todays weigh in there was another pound lost so that makes 2lbs in 2 weeks. If I hadn't been measured on monday I would have been disappointed with that again too, but I am not, I am really pleased, at least it is a loss and not a gain, and I can live with only losing a pound a week if the inches keep coming off, after all, that is what I want...to look and feel better.
That 2 lbs also means I get another star to stick on my journal, making a total now of 16 stars, only another 14 to go :)
I have had a good week really after that initial disappointment, and I am looking forward to the coming week again.

Week 42: Friday 30th November 2001 Weight =239lbs Weight Loss = 3lbs

This week started off really well, I went to the gym on monday morning, but I only did half a session, just concentrating on my abs and upper body as straight after the session I went to the local leisure centre with my hubby to play squash for an hour :). Although I did work up a sweat while playing, I came off the court not feeling as though I had done as much of a work out as I would have at the gym.
Well on tuesday morning..oh how wrong I was about the workout playing squash. I couldn't move. My thighs lower back and my bum were so sore. I guess it just goes to show that I got more of a workout than I thought and obviously playing that uses the muscles a lot more than it does in the gym.
I had arranged to go to the gym again on Tuesday evening because my sister wanted to come with me. But on Tuesday afternoon she phoned to say she couldn't make it, and we arranged to go Wednesday instead, I was quite glad really because I don't think I would have been able to do much because of how sore I was.
Well wednesday evening she phoned again to say she wasn't feeling very well and wouldn't be going, again I was quite glad because I was still a little too sore to really do anything myself either. But I did go on thursday and did a full session, I was still a little bit tender, but after five minutes or so, I was fine, and I'm happy to say there were no after effects this morning, I feel great again :)
This weeks weigh in was a great one, I was expecting just the 1 pound loss again, and I wouldn't have been surprised if I had gained, I still keep waiting for that, but NO, it was 3 lbs lost I am really pleased about that. that 200lbs mark is now in sight and I'm striving to get there, I think that is my next major mini goal :) I can't remember the last time I weighed under 200lbs.
Eating plan has gone really well this week, and I know this is probably tempting fate, but I haven't had any cravings for anything for a long time now, it feels odd, but I have to make myself think about eating these days, before I would have to try to stop myself from thinking about eating.
I lived to eat, now I eat to live, I don't know who came up with that saying, but it's a good one and I like it.
Looking forward again to this coming week, think I'm going to play squash again and try and get in some badminton too ...hehehe...what a busy week it will be :)

Week 43: Friday 7 th December 2001 Weight =238lbs Weight Loss = 1lbs

Hi everyone, well I have to say this has been a very difficult week. The dieting and exercise has gone really well, but I have just been so depressed. Financially things are really tough at the moment and to make matters worse, my husband has had no work. With christmas just around the corner, and my son presenting me with his christmas present list, I just have no idea where the money is going to come from to buy anything and I have found myself just really down about the whole thing.
My period was also due to start today I am normally very emotional at this time of the month so it has just added to my depression. I was expecting a really bad weigh in today, because I am feeling so bloated and crampy, but I still managed to lose a pound...I should be pleased with that considering...but am I ?...of course I'm not...as usual at this time of the month I am totally irrational and no matter how well I tell myself I am doing...I still just feel down :(
I need to get a grip on myself for the week ahead and stop feeling so miserable :)
I went to play badminton this week, I haven't played for years and I really enjoyed it again...even though I was totally annhialated by my partner..it was still fun and next week we are having a game of squash...he has never played squash before so I am out to seek my revenge from the badminton court :)
Sorry for the downer this week, I will be better next week I promise :)

Week 44: Friday 14 th December 2001 Weight =241lbs Weight Gain= 3lbs

Well as promised, I am much better this week. My period didn't start until Tuesday and I did have a pretty aweful weekend. On friday after my weigh in I decided I wanted some chocolate...so I had some, it took me over my calorie allowance, but I didn't care...I wanted it and I knew if I just kept trying not to have any, in the end I would still have it and probably have a lot more than I should...so I gave in to the temptation. Well that was a big mistake because once I had given in to the chocolate it didn't stop there, I ended up eating fresh bread and butter, too and I lost count of how much I ate...so I really did pig out big time.
On saturday morning we got a telephone call from some old friends of ours Simon and Jackie...Jackie was diagnosed as having breast cancer earlier in the year and was undergoing chemotherapy. She had her last treatment last week and Simon had decided to throw her a surprise party. We wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Well once again I felt my halo slipping and I wasn't such the angel that I have been for so long....I really went to town on the buffet. Although I couldn't work out exactly how many calories I ate, I did try to keep a mental note of what I was eating so I could give myself a rough idea of how much I overate so I could cut the calories down on sunday and monday and probably tuesday too after this weekend I should probably not eat again until friday, I've probably already eaten my entire weeks calorie allowance in those 2 days.
When we got home that night I couldn't sleep.....I kept thinking about Jackie...here is a young girl in her early 30's with 2 small children...her mother passed away a few years ago from the same illness...the strength and determination she has shown in fighting this disease really brought things into perspective and has shown me more than ever that I can overcome my weight and I have so much to be thankful for. I need to focus on what I have and what I want and not the things I don't have and in many cases things I don't even need anyway.
Now weigh in day has arrived and I have gained.... 3 lbs. it is still TOM, and I would dearly love to be able to blame that completely for the weight gain, but no matter how good I have been since the weekend, I still can't ignore the fact that I had a major pig out weekend. I have to accept that for once most of this weight gain is that unwanted fat that I have been trying so hard to get rid of. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to eat like I did and I could make all the excuses in the world as to why I did it, but where would be the point...I might convince all of you reading this journal...most of you at some time or another have probably done the same thing and know exactly how I feel, but the main thing is I would know the truth....I have let myself down...But I have not let myself go.
OK.... I had a bad weekend, but since then I have been extra good...I have eaten sensibly and I have been exercising at the gym and I feel as though I am back into my old routine again.
I am really disappointed with the weight gain, but more than that I am disappointed in myself for letting myself down, even though I know it is only a temporary setback, it is one I shouldn't have allowed to happen.
I can't afford to allow myself any more slip ups like that one....I have been given a suit by my sister that I can't get into yet...In february I am going to a wedding and I want to be able to wear that suit, any more weekends like the last one will definitely make that impossible...so now I need to focus and keep that wedding date in the front of my mind and stop myself from doing it again.
Well what is done is done, and no matter how much I want to I can't change the past week all I can do now is keep on track and start again. This coming week is going to be much better I promise.

Week 45: Friday 21st December 2001 Weight =237lbs Weight Loss = 4lbs

This was a much better week, I promised I would have a better one than last week :)
It really gave me a kick in the pants to find I gained weight last week and made me refocus on my main goal. I was determined that I was not going to let myself fail now after all the hard work I have put in to get where I am today.
I was really pleased to find I had lost 4lbs this week, that takes care of the 3lbs I gained last week and an extra one too.....Another pound closer to my final goal.
I have stuck well with my eating plan and I have been to the gym 3 times and done maybe a little more exercise than I would normally have done, but I have looked on that as my punishment for allowing myself to gain weight....I suppose I can't really call it punishment because I really enjoyed it :)
I am about to face my biggest challenge yet since starting this weightloss journey and that is to get through christmas without allowing myself to fall off the wagon again.I feel very positive just now that I will be able to hang in there, maybe that is because of the weight gain last week and realising there are only 5 weeks until I need to be in that suit for the wedding.....Well it is me against all that food...place your bets now...Let the battle commence :)
Hope you all have a great christmas, I intend to have a good one and still stick to my diet...well thats the plan...check back next week to see who won...the food..or me !!!

Week 46 Friday 29th December 2001 Weight =234lbs Weight Loss = 3lbs Measurements = 51-44-52.5

I started the week off in a great frame of mind with losing 4lbs last week I was determined that christmas day wouldn't see me falling off the wagon..... and I didn't..... I think there were a few reasons for that.
1. I was still really focused, spurred on by the good loss last week and the thought of the upcoming wedding and getting into that suit.
2.My son got a pair of shorts and a t-shirt from my brother and his wife and although the label said they were a small size, I tried them on and they fit.( son wasn't very pleased :) )
3.My hubby bought me a new pair of pyjamas that were a size 20-22, I wanted a new pair because my old pair are so big now I have started to trip over them. So I was a little disappointed when I saw what size he had bought me, but thought...oh well never mind, it gives me something to aim for...but when I tried them on, they fit perfectly. I was over the moon.
4. We went to my brothers for the evening and my sister in law was wearing a gorgeous black dress. I told her I thought it was stunning and she said it had never been one of her favourites, but because I liked it so much after christmas she would have it cleaned and hang it in her closet. when I can fit into it she said I can have it . So that is something else to work towards :)
I feel so proud of myself for getting through christmas day without giving in to any temptation, especially as the house is filled with chocolate, no one bought me any, but I think they did just buy more for my hubby and son, I am being strong and I am not going to have any at all...I really want to reach my final goal this year and I am determined to do it. I think having that little slip up has really done me some good....I seem to have more determination than ever to stick with it, in fact I feel as though I have just started the journey...you know...that feeling of excitement and positivity we all get when we first start a new weightloss journey.
I even started christmas day off doing my callanetic exercises. The gym is closed until thursday and I can't wait for it to open again, I am missing being able to go and do a real workout. Who would ever have thought I would be saying that...I certainly didn't.
Thursday evening my sister invited us up for drinks, well I was driving so not drinking wasn't a problem for me. Yet again her house was filled with chocolates that they had been given for christmas so she got those out, then later she cooked some pizza, my hubby had made some potato salad which we took down...the smell of the pizza and potato salad had my stomach turning somersaults, but I was strong and didn't give in. In the back of my mind I kept telling myself that one more day and it would be weigh in day, I have stuck so well to my eating plan this week I didn't want to ruin it all by falling off the wagon the night before it.
The compliments over the christmas week have been coming thick and fast from people who I haven't seen for a while which has been another great ego booster and another thing that has helped me to stay focused over this difficult week. I have a friend who lives up in Glasgow in Scotland who is a physical training teacher, and yesterday he was telling people how proud of me he was, not only for losing so much weight, but for losing it slowly and eating a sensible diet, I think he more than anyone as he has a good knowledge of fitness and nutrition knows how difficult it is to lose weight slowly when you have so much to lose to start with. I knew when I started it was going to take me a long time to reach my final goal, but to be honest even though I have been at it for 10 months now, it seems like no time at all, it has really flown by and each day that passes means I am one day closer to the end.
Now when I say the end, I don't think of it as the end of a diet....I know the way I eat now is the way I will always eat, and that isn't a problem, I love the foods I eat now, but it will be the end of having so many unwanted pounds of fat sitting on me. the end of having to lose more weight.
So many people have said over this last week that there is just no way they can even think about trying to lose weight over christmas because they don't want to spoil it by having to deprive themselves of anything. I have to say that apart from the chocolates, I don't feel as though I have deprtived myself of anything. I have eaten almost everything everyone else has eaten, but in smaller portions... I could have had some chocolate if I really wanted it by working it into my allowance, but I decided not to and chose to stick to my regular treats...Now weigh in day has arrived and the scales tell me I have lost 3lbs, so no matter how difficult the week has been, in my opinion it has all been worth it. I've had a great christmas, not once did I go to bed at night regretting any day or feeling deprived, in fact quite the opposite, I went to bed every night feeling so proud of myself for sticking to it and just knowing I can really do this, this year I will reach my goal.

Week 47: Friday 4 th January 2002 Weight =233lbs Weight Loss = 1lbs

I started the new week of feeling great, I couldn't quite believe I had lost so much over christmas, although I won't say it was easy, resisting temptaion wasn't as difficult as I expected it to be, but I was totally committed.
On saturday, hubby took me to buy some new leggings and t-shirts for the gym, which is now closed again until after the new year....aghhhh...how inconsiderate, I want to go :)
On sunday I decided I would had a day of rest, I think all the late nights over christmas are starting to catch up with me and I felt totaly exhausted, the most energetic thing I managed on sunday was the cooking and washing the dishes.
Monday was a different story, it was the eve of a new year and I wanted to start it off with a clean and spotless house, so my day started with cleaning, always a good form of exercise, followed by 1/2 hour of callanetic exercise, 100 stomach crunches, 100 sit ups and 200 repetitions on the rowing machine.
We spent the evening at my sister in laws house, she was having a party. The was so much food there. The drink wasn't a problem at all for me because I was driving anyway, but the food was another story. I had a small baked potato and although I managed to resist everything else I found it very very difficult, I had to condtantly keep reminding myself about the suit for the wedding, about my final goal and how well I had done last week to have such a great loss, I want another good loss this week too and I eventually did manage to stay on track, I came home feeling proud of myself.
Tuesday was new years day and I made my new years resolution, apart from the obvious...reach my goal weight I have decided that I will keep a daily journal, not just an eating journal, but one that I keep up about what I have done and my struggles each day, so you all should see a difference in my weekly journal reports here, As you can see I only do this journal once a week and many weeks I have found it difficult to remember everything that has happened, well no excuses now if I am keeping track on a daily basis, when I come to write this each weekend, I have my daily journal to look back on.
As the gym was closed again I couldn't start the new year off as I intended to go on, however, I did find my Mr Motivator video tape so I followed that for an hour and followed it with my usual 100 sit ups, 100 stomach crunches and 200 repetitions on the rowing machine, so I managed to get in losts of exercise.
Wednesday and thursday were pretty uneventful, Although the gym reopened on thursday I still didn't get there, through no fault of my own though, We woke up to find so much snow that we couldn't get out anywhere even if we wanted to, so it was back to the video exercising again.
Friday arrived and when I went to bed on thursday night I was so excited about my weigh in, but early friday morning I was woken up by that old familiar back ache and bloated feeling that comes along each month...I was so disappointed when I realised my period was due. Since I had my contraception method changed I have noticed that I start to get bloated and achy between 3 - 5 days before my period actually starts, which is very disappointing, because that then means I have 2 disappointing weigh ins caused by it.....well there is absolutely nothing at all I can do about that so I just have to accept it as one of those things and move on, the only good thing I can say is that when I know I have stuck well to my eating plan and exercise program, any disappointments on the scale are definitely not due to gaining fat and are all down to fluid retention.
I managed to lose another pound again this week, I am pleased with that under the circumstances, but disappointed in general about TOM arriving this particular week....I just feel that I had a good loss over christmas, and in truth, didn't find it that difficult to stick with my eating plan...Over the past week and especially the new years eve party...I had to try so hard and I feel as though I worked a lot harder this week than I did last for less of a result...but no matter...it was still a loss..and that means 1lb closer and one week closer to reaching that final goal.:)

Week 48: Friday 11 th January 2002 Weight =232lbs Weight Loss = 1lbs

Saturday was a pretty quiet and uneventful day, I stuck to my plan easily, but I have to admit I did find it an effort to do the exercise, I really had to force myself to do it I just wasn’t in the mood at all.
On Sunday I was thinking about things in general, the week before and the week of my period is always the most difficult. Apart from the obvious increase in food cravings, this also is the time when I start to feel so sorry for myself. I know I have done really well so far and I am more than half way to my final goal, but looking at how far I still have to go starts to get me down. Hormones have such a lot to answer for :) Today was one of those days and I decided I needed something as a constant reminder that I can really focus on, so I made myself a graph which I have now stuck on the front of my fridge...Now I can see exactly how far I have come and each coming week I get the added bonus of recording a new weight. Now I can see exactly how far down that graph I have come and getting to the end is nowhere near as far.
By Monday the snow had finally cleared and I was able to get back to the gym. I was pretty tired when I woke up this morning and I think because I hadn’t been for so long I had lost some of my motivation, it would have been so easy to say I can’t be bothered and not go, but I didn’t I went, I’m glad I did, when I had started my routine I was soon filled with all the usual enthusiasm , I thouroughly enjoyed it and came out feeling great. Part of that may have had something to do with my trainer adding some new exercises to my program so that I can focus on toning up my chest and stomach
I tried that suit on again today :( Still no luck getting into it, maybe the new exercises will help reaching that goal.
Tuesday was a very quiet day I had no problems with eating or exercise. I spent the evening editing the website and changing the look of the messageboard.
I got up early on Wednesday morning because my mum was coming round to get weighed. It was her first week back on the calorie counting and I was sure she would have stuck to it for her first week, but she hadn’t lost anything at all. She spotted my collection of slimming magazines and took the copy of slimming world, she has followed that diet before and has decided to try it again instead of calorie counting. I buy almost every slimming magazine that comes out to get tips and recipe ideas and also to read the sucess stories. Slimming magazine is still my favourite...I used to subscribe to it years ago, but let my subscription lapse, but I still bought it every month. I decided today to renew my subscription. When I telephoned, the girl who processed my subscription was really nice, we were on the phone for ages talking about losing weight. She was full of praise for how well I had done and kept telling me to write into the magazine and tell them, but I don’t have the courage to do that, I still have a long way to go to reach that final goal, but maybe I will when I reach it.
Had a great workout at the gym again today, I’m definitely back into the swing again.
I was all ready to go to the gym on Thursday evening to do a workout session while my son was in his Thai Boxing class, but when I picked him up from school he said he didn’t want to go, so I decided not to bother and give my muscles the recommended day of rest to repair themselves after yesterday.
I have become slightly bored with my eating plan, I seem to be eating the same things day in day out and I thought it was time to get cooking and try something different, yesterday I made a low calorie turkey Korma ( recipe is on the messageboard section under recipes ) and tonight I made a turkey and vegetable stir fry, to which I added some chinese 5 spice and 50grms of black bean sauce. They were both really nice and it made a nice change to be having something different.
Friday finally arrived and I was expecting a disappointing weigh in, my period still hasn’t started and I have had the bloated and achy iminent feelings for over a week now so it can’t be very far away. I still lost another pound and any loss is a good loss, so I’m not leting myself feel too glum about it. The way I am looking at it now is that the wedding is only 3 weeks away, if my period had started last week when it was supposed to, it would have been due again the week of the wedding and looking at how bloated I look and feel right now, I certainly wouldn’t stand any chance at all of getting into that suit.
Off to the gym again this morning and had another great workout. I increased the repetitions on most of the machines. The stepper machine is my least favourite, basically because I just can’t do it. The longest I have managed on it is 1 1/2 minutes and even that I had to stop and rest a few times. Today I managed 3 minutes without stopping at all so I felt really pleased with myself.
Chocolate cravings were really bad today, to be honest food craving in general was bad, I felt so hungry all day. I did go over my calorie allowance but only by 62 calories, so I was pleased with myself for that, yesterday I only had 1398 calories so the 62 that I went over by today were more than made up for by that.
Even though this is the time I am normally feeling sorry for myself, today I feel good , Yeah I was disappointed at only losing a pound, but I have been able to stay focused and tell myself I will have a better week next week, another week closer to goal, and I’m looking forward to the coming week.

Week 49: Friday 18 th January 2002 Weight =230lbs Weight Loss = 2lbs

I expected to be sore when I woke up on Saturday morning because of the increase in exercise on Friday, but I was actually fine. I had a pretty lazy day on Saturday venturing out to the supermarket was the most I did. I woke up on Sunday morning feeling like death warmed up. I felt bloated and achy all over and just something as simple as getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom had me breaking out into a sweat and feeling nauseous. I had no energy and all I wanted to do was lie down and sleep, but I couldn’t sleep because I just couldn’t get into a comfortable position. I was pretty sure it must have been related to TOM and sure enough that appeared on Sunday evening.
On Monday I felt a little better but not 100%, I decided I would go to the gym, I thought the work out might have made me feel better, but when I got there my trainer said I looked terrible and I shouldn’t do anything and go home. I explained what it was but he still advised me against doing anything, well he knows best so I took his advice and went home, feeling guilty about not having a work out.
On Tuesday I had my hair cut again a lot more drastic this time, I also got brave and had highlights put in it too, red copper bronze and gold, it sounds terrible but it is quite subtle and you don’t see all the colours, only in certain lights. I loved it when I left the hairdressers, but come Wednesday morning I woke up with the hairstyle from hell. No matter what I did to it I just couldn’t get it to look anything like how it looked when I came home yesterday, I couldn’t get it to look in any way shape or form decent so after 4 hours of blow drying and lots of tears I went back to the hairdressers.
My hair is naturally wavy and when she styled it she used a temporary straightener on it. she said she thought cutting it as short as she had would have lightened it a little and the waves wouldn’t be too bad, unfortunately they just got worse, so she took a little more off and I bought some of the temporary straightener, she told me to phone her the day after when I had washed it again if I had any trouble...well I couldn’t wait another day to wash it, when I left her salon I went into town, bought a new hairdryer, called in at the gym and had my workout then came straight home to wash it again. 10 minutes later it was styled and looking as good as when she did it so I was happy again.
I hope to be able to get some new photographs done this weekend or early next week and I'll post them as soon as I get them back
While I was in town I noticed there were some sales on so I bought myself a pair of velvet trousers size 20’s 2 jumpers size 18’s and 2 thongs size 18’s I thought it would be something to aim to get into next. Of course when I had done my hair I had to try them on...so much for having something to aim for to get into...they all fit perfectly. I was so thrilled. So was my hubby when he saw the thongs, but I’m certain it wasn’t for the same reason...lol.
Thursday was quite a busy day, I had lots of shopping to do, my sister and her family were coming for dinner on Friday night so I wanted to get everything on Thursday instead of rushing around at the last minute on Friday.
Well Friday morning arrived I was all set to go off to the gym when my hubby came in and said the handbrake had gone on the car and he needed to fix it, by the time he had done it, it was already 3pm, time to go and pick my son up from school so I couldn’t go to the gym at all, I did an hour of callanetic exercises instead so I didn’t miss out too much, I missed the weights though.
Considering TOM is stilll here, I was really pleased with my weigh in, I lost another 2lbs.
The meal with my sister and her family was a huge success. her husband loves my lasagne I thought it would be nice if we all ate the same so I made a low calorie version for myself and my sister. theirs worked out at over 900 calories a portion, ours was 315 calories a portion, my brother in law said he couldn’t tell the difference when he tasted ours...I think our waistlines would certainly be able to tell the difference :)
I’m really looking forward to the next week, I always seem to look forward to it more when I’ve had a good weigh in, and I’ll certainly be getting to the gym a lot more next week even if I have to walk there :)

Week 50: Friday 25 th January 2002 Weight =227lbs Weight Loss = 3lbs

This week has been another good week, I have been pretty busy, which has helped a lot.
My sister owns a childrens nursery and wanted to employ a registered child minder so that she can increase her number of places, I have no idea how she did it, but she managed to talk me into going to college and training to do it. I started working for her on Monday, obviously she won’t be able to take on any more children until I am qualified, but she wanted some help now with the children she already has which is why I have started now.
Working there all day has certainly kept me busy and away from the kitchen. But I have still managed to get to the gym on my way home and I have worked very hard this week so I was really pleased to see that the scales agreed and showed another 3lbs lost. :)

I was hoping to get some new photographs taken this week, but I just haven’t been able to find the time to pop up to my brother in laws to get them done, next week looks set to be just as busy, if not busier than this as I will be working all week again and on Friday I leave for Glasgow for the wedding so it looks like it may have to wait now until I get back.

Even after all the hard work at the gym, and the good weight losses, I’m afraid the suit I was aiming to get into for the wedding is still too tight to wear, so my husband has bought me a new pair of black velvet trousers. The suit I wanted to wear is a size 22. the velvet trousers are a size 20, the jumper he bought me to go with them is a size 18, in fact most of the clothes I am wearing now are size 18 - 20, but that suit just will not fit...go figure.
I was talking to my friend up in scotland today and he said it had been snowing, so in one way I am quite pleased the suit doesn’t fit, it is short sleeved and I would probably have frozen to death...well thats a good excuse :)
I’m not too disappointed though, I did my best, and I can’t do any more than that. It will fit soon, and when it does, hubby will have to take me somewhere nice so that I can wear it :)

Well the good weight loss this week also means I get another star to add to the front of my journal, I now have 18 stars on there only another 12 to go to reach that final goal :)
Once again as I always do after a good weight loss I am looking forward to the coming week.
Saturday 26th January 2002 Important update :) Ok so when I updated my journal yesterday I hadn't tried on the suit I was aiming to get into for 2 weeks.I just presumed from how tight it was then that the 5 lbs I have lost since then wouldn't have made that much difference and I was certain I would still not be able to get into it. I don't know why, but this morning when I got up I decided to try it on again...IT FITS !!!!!
Now I have a dilemma, do I wear the suit or wear the new clothes my hubby bought me.Oh decisions decisions :)
Well after giving it a lot of thought I have decided that I will probably wear the suit for the actually wedding ceremony and then change into the other clothes for the evening reception.
I am so thrilled today, for once in my life I have a choice of clothes to wear, in the past I have always just worn anything that will fit me, as I have always had to buy from the stores that cater for the larger ladies and their clothes are always so much more expensive, I have always been limited to buying just one outfit. When I used to say, I have nothing to wear, or people have seen this outfit before, it was always true. I feel like a kid in a candy store just now, the feeling is so unbelievable.
I really am going to enjoy this wedding now :)

Week 51: Friday 1 st February Weight =225lbs Weight Loss = 2lbs

This week has been a very busy week, trying to get myself into a regular routine now that I am working again.
I have been finding it a little difficult to find the time to go to the gym this week, mainly because I was going away today and I have just had so much to do in the evenings when I get home, that I have opted to give it a miss this week. But I have missed it and I can’t wait to get back from the weekend away to get back into the swing of things again.
I have to say though, that each morning when I have woken up, I have felt like I have done a full day at the gym, I really had forgotten just how hard it was running around all day after kids, but I am still enjoying it and thats the main thing. I haven’t gone completely without exercise. On Monday we took the kids out for a walk, the weather here has been really bad and Monday was no exception, although the rain did stop, it was really windy with gusts up to 70 mph...That was fun, at one point I thought we were going to lose some of the kids in the gusts, thankfully we managed to get them all home safe and sound, it was a good walk and at one point I was carrying 2 kids as well because they were finding it difficult to walk against the wind, so I’m sure that has helped a little with the exercise :)
I haven’t really had any problems sticking to my eating plan, I have taken a sandwich and some fruit for my lunch and obviously I am kept so busy I don’t have time to think about being hungry.
Although I seem to have been running around all week I have very little to report. I decided I wanted to wear stockings for the wedding so I sent my hubby to the store to get some for me, when I was packing last night I realised he had bought hold up stockings instead of normal ones, I was really annoyed because I have never been able to wear those, they were always too tight and dug into my legs as well as always rolling down, which I think was probably caused by the fact that they were too small in the first place. Well I had no choice but to try them on as there was no way I could get any more before I left. I was totally amazed to find they fit perfectly, they didn’t dig in at all. I wore them on the way up to Scotland just to see how they felt all day. I was thrilled, they didn’t roll down, they didn’t cut into my legs and they felt so comfortable. What a wonderful feeling also to discover he had bought the one size stockings instead of the large size:)
I managed to get weighed before I left this morning and although as I said I didn’t manage to get to the gym at all this week, all the extra running around must have given me a pretty good workout and I am pleased to be able to report another 2lbs lost this week.
I am going to keep my calories down to 1000 today so that I have a few extra to use at the wedding tomorrow. I don’t plan on going crazy with my eating tomorrow, but it will be nice to be able to have a little treat.
I am looking forward to the wedding and also to next week, however next week TOM will be due to make an appearance, so I am not really looking forward to next weeks weigh in, althought I know if I have been good, I have nothing to worry about, but it does still get disappointing when I work so hard and through no fault of my own, I either gain a little or stay the same. I thought the longer I was losing weight the easier I would find it to accept the fluctuations in weight at this time of the month, but I haven’t, and I also think that the closer I get to my target weight, the worse it will get, because to me it is just dragging the time out and making it that little bit longer before I reach my final goal...on a cheerier note, I will just smile and keep plugging away...I will reach that goal, no matter how long it takes me to get there :)

Week 52: Friday 8 th February Weight =223lbs Weight Loss = 2lbs

What a great week this has been. Apart from my train journey up to Scotland the weekend was great. I was supposed to catch a train that went directly to Scotland, it normally changes engines at the next station from where I get on, so when it arrived to do that I wasn’t worried, that was until the train manager said he had been informed that the train was terminating and we all had to get off. Due to severe weather conditions, the over head power lines had been damaged and they weren’t able to run any trains so they were providing a coach service, which took hours :(
I sent my hubby to buy me some stockings to wear for the wedding when I opened them I discovered to my horror that he had bought hold up stockings instead of the normal ones, I have never been able to wear those, they were always too small and they cut into my legs and rolled down all the time, and just to make matters worse he had also bought the one size fits all size instead of large. Well I had nothing else to wear so I resigned myself to a day of being uncomfortable and ending it being sore from where they had cut in.
Well what a surprise for me, it must be all the working out at the gym, because they fit perfectly, they didn’t cut in, they didn’t roll down and they felt so comfortable I hardly noticed I was wearing them.:)
Well as we arrived at the church, the photographer took our photographs. Later at the reception they had the proofs already developed for us to look at. I searched the table for the picture of me and my friends but I couldn’t find it, I had to ask the photographer to find it for me...well I had found it,...when he gave it to me I was about to hand it back to him and tell him it was the wrong one, when I realised that the strange wpman standing with my friends was me...I honestly didn’t recognise myself. I kept asking people if I really looked like that and they all said yes. That is the first time I have really been able to see the difference in myself. I was wearing my high heeled stilletto shoes and trousers so it made my legs look longer and me taller and I looked so much slimmer I was amazed...Needless to say I ordered a copy of the photograph and as soon as I get it I will post it in the gallery.
I stuck to 1000 calories on the day before the wedding so that I could indulge a little on the big day and I enjoyed the meal, I made good choices sticking to melon for my starters and chicken and vegetables for my main course, I gave the desert a miss, not only because I am not really a desert person, but also because I was full. It felt really good to be in total control and when I added my calories up for the day I found I had only used 1800 calories so I was within my allowance too which was great.
I couldn’t wait to get to the gym for my work out on Tuesday and I really enjoyed that, I was expecting to be a bit sore on Wednesday because I hadn’t done anything for a week but I wasn’t and I was also really pleased with myself, I have just managed to be able to do 5 minutes on the stepper machine without stopping, well on Tuesday I managed 10 minutes without stopping, the sweat was pouring off me but I managed it and although I was sweating, I wasn’t really feeling as though I was really overdoing it, my legs weren’t aching and I wasn’t out of breath, in fact at the end of the 10 minutes I think I could have done a little more, but I decided that a 5 minute increase was more than enough so I left it at that. I did the same again on Thursdays workout too, so I was really pleased with myself.
My eatng has gone really well too this week I have stuck well to my plan, but as I expected, last night I started to get achy and crampy and that usual bloated feeling arrived to let me know TOM is just around the corner :(
I got up this morning feeling much the same, but I was very surprised to see when I got on the scales that I had lost another 2lbs, all that dancing at the wedding, drinking plenty of water and sticking well to my eating plan has obviously paid off well this week and I am really pleased with the weight loss.

Week 53: Friday 15 th February Weight =223lbs Weight Gain = 1lb

Well TOM didn't appear last week so it must be due to make an appearance this weekend because I have felt bloated and crampy all week, so I can’t say I was very surprised to find I had gained a pound this week. Although I always expect to gain something at this time of the month it is still very disappointing when I do. Up to now there have only been 3 other times when I have gained weight, I still usually manage to either stay the same or even lose a pound, but unfortunately not this month.
I don’t know why it upsets me so much, all I have done today is burst into tears every few minutes.
I know the reason I have gained weight, it is just fluid retention because my period is due to start, but somehow that doesn’t seem to make it any easier. I keep telling myself how well I have done and that it will soon be gone, but I guess it is just my hormones that won’t allow me to think rationally. The only good thing I can see out of feeling this way is that it still isn’t making me feel like giving up completely.
Yes it is very upsetting and I can’t deny I was so depressed and feeling very sorry for myself today, asking why I have to do this when it is so hard...all the effort I put in last week and was rewarded with nothing but a gain in weight.
A few people have told me to avoid these feelings it may be better if I didn’t weigh myself the week my period is due, but that would be a little difficult for me as my periods are not as regular as they should be, so take this month for instance, I was actually due my period last Wednesday so if I had taken their advice I wouldn’t have weighed myself last week when I had actually lost 2lbs and then as my period didn’t start would I have not weighed this week either?....The next reason I am not going to do this is for me probably the most important reason....This is a weight gain due entirely to fluid retention caused by TOM...it is something I have absolutely no control over at all...I stuck well to my eating plan last week and drank as much water as I normally do actually I probably drank a little more. so I am certain I couldn’t have done anything more to prevent the gain, it is something that I have to accept will happen every month and I have to learn to deal with the feelings it gives me. If I don’t weigh myself, I am just hiding from dealing with anything negative and learning nothing. I need to learn as much as I can while I am losing weight, so that when I reach my goal I will be better armed to overcome any problems I face then.
To be honest I think really the only reason it got to me so much this time is because here we weigh ourselves in stones and pounds (1 stone = 14 lbs ) last week I had got down to 15 stone 13lbs so going from the 16's to the 15's was a brilliant feeling, I haven't weighed in the 15's probably since I was around the age of 15 so you can imagine how good I felt, now this week with the pound gain I am back to 16 stone again. I know it is silly to let myself get so upset about it because it will be gone again next week,( TOM playing nicely and satrting within the next couple of days of course ) but as I said before ...it must have been my hormones that just wouldn't let me think rationally
To cheer myself up a little I went shopping, I intended only to look at new clothes not to actually buy anything, but I found a store that had a post christmas sale on, there were 3 pairs of trousers there, one in cotton, one in corduroy and a pair of leather ones. the cotton ones and corduroy ones were a size 20 and the leather ones were a size 16, the cotton ones were reduced from £55 to £3.89 and the leather ones were reduced from £135 to £5.99 I just couldn’t believe the prices, I just looked at my hubby and said my goodness if I could fit into those I would have bought them, for that money I would have been mad not too. he laughed at me and said, you might not fit into them yet, but you will in a few weeks and they wont be here then so buy them. Well I didn’t need to be told twice, I did buy them. When I got home I decided to try them on to see how long it would be before I could wear them. Well I was reduced to tears once again when I did, but this time it wasn’t tears of depression. the 2 pairs in size 20 just slipped on and fit really nicely. I can get the size 16’s on, but I can’t fasten them yet, but that was ok, I knew there would be no way they would go anywhere near me, but I didn’t think the size 20’s would either, so I was thrilled when they did and even more thrilled that I could even get the size 16’s on even though they wont fasten yet, it wont be too long before they do.
So although this has been a disappointing weigh in, there has still been something good about the week. Once again this just goes to show exactly how obsessed we become about the numbers on the scales instead of paying more attention to how our bodies look and feel. There is another lesson learned from a disappointment :)
As usual at this time of the month my cravings for chocolate have been unbearable, but I haven’t given in to them and I am proud of myself for that, when I get as depressed as I have been today it would be so very easy to do that, but I have obviously already learnt a valuable lesson in that I know that no matter how much chocolate I eat at this time, it never satisfies the cravings so where is the point in having any at all, in my opinion, none...it would just make me feel more of a failure, so I have resisted and I can honestly say the feeling I get from knowing I have resisted something that I have wanted so badly is much better than eating the chocolate in the first place.
After a disappointment I always look forward to the following week and today this is no exception, I can’t wait to get started. Back to work on monmday and back to the gym on Tuesday where I will be working out as hard as ever, I now have a pair of leather trousers hanging in my closet, that is one dream that I thought would always just be a fantasy, but not any more, , the first part of my dream was to own a pair of leather trousers, well now I do, the second part was to fit into them, I will do that soon and the third part was that they would be a size 12...well one day they will be...just watch this space :)

Week 54: Friday 22nd February Weight =222lbs Weight Loss =2 lbs

well this week has been a good week, I went back to the gym on Tuesday and I really impressed myself because I managed to get myself up to 15 minutes non stop on the stepper machine, it is my goal to reach 20 minutes non stop, because that seems to be what most of the girls do.
I have been on a high all week because of those new trousers that I bought, and by the time Thursday arrived I was even more hyped. I went to the gym in the morning as I had planned to do, I couldn’t wait to get on the stepper machine, I wanted to do the 15 minutes again to make sure it wasn’t a fluke on Tuesday. once I was on it I started talking to one of the other ladies in the gym and I completely lost track of the time, when I looked down at the timer I had done 19 minutes 10 seconds, I carried on until it hit 20 minutes , I was totally amazed. not only had I reached my goal of 20 minutes, but I was also able to talk while I was doing it. when I think back to just a couple of months ago when after 30 seconds I was so out of breath that I had to stop and take a rest for 5 minutes before I could even think about going on to the next piece of equipment, and here I am today, doing 20 minutes non stop and talking at the same time and not gasping for breath. Not only that... when I did get off, I was ready to get straight on the next piece of equipment without even thinking about having a rest.
The lady I was talking to only joined the gym 3 weeks ago, she is 64 years old and had just retired , she isn’t overweight, she just wanted something to do to fill her spare time. When I got off the stepper, she decided to give it a try, she had never been on it before, she managed 3 minutes, she said she was disappointed that she couldn’t do more, I told her just to take things slowly and told her about how much I could do the first time I got on it, and she would be amazed at how quickly she could do more. The way I look at it is if you have never climbed a mountain before, you wouldn’t go to Mount Everest and expect to be able to climb right to the top of it the first time would you...its one small step at a time :)
I feel as though I could ramble on and on for hours about how good I am feeling, but really I don’t have that much to tell about this past week. I have stuck well with my eating plan, I have drunk loads of water... most days 3 - 4 litres and as you can see I have done great with the exercise. and I was thrilled to see that the scale showed a loss of 2lbs this week, as TOM only arrived yesterday I was really surprised about it being such a good loss, but delighted all the same :)
I still have times when I get fed up with how much longer it is going to take to reach my final goal, which I think is normal. I think the use of the words fed up was probably the wrong choice of words, I guess it’s more excitement than anything and just wanting it to be here now, like waiting for someone to arrive who you know is bringing you a present, or like waiting for santa when you were a kid on christmas eve...you know that feeling of excitement and anticipation, well this feeling is pretty much the same :)
TOM, finally made its appearance yesterday afternoon, 2 weeks later than it should have been, but at last its here, I don’t know many women who actually look forward to it starting, but when I have had a disappointing weigh in I always want it to arrive and get it over with so that I feel I am back on the losing track again. I still feel really bloated and I’m very achy and crampy, but you know what ....I don’t care, I am just so proud of what I achieved this week, I feel absoulutely wonderful. Nothing I could possibly write here can really explain just exactly how good I feel.
That was up until thursday night and everything went pear shaped, my computer died a death.....I have had to do a full reformat and I have lost lots of things that I wanted to keep, I made back ups of everything I thought I needed but of course as is always the way, once you have deleted something you remember you needed it, You know important things like email addresses:)...yep they have all gone too, so if you don't hear from me thats the reason why, just send me an email so that I can re-add you to my address book.
so the past couple of days have been an absolute nightmare. I am very lucky in one respect tho and that is that my friend Dave knew exactly what to do and spent hours on the phone talking me through the difficult parts, I really don't know what I would have done without him, and I would just like to say here if he reads this... I know you know how much I depend on my computer and I'm sorry I may have been a little testing on your nerves at times but from the bottom of my heart I THANK YOU for all your hard work, patience and understanding :)
For the first time since I started this weightloss journey I have started to think about what it will feel like when I reach that final goal. I have to admit it was something I never wanted to do before, it was almost as if by letting myself think about it I would put myself off, knowing exactly how far I had to go to get there. I suppose there was always a little doubt in the back of my mind that I could actually do it. At the beginning I’m sure there was, when I reached my half way goal, I kept telling myself that I knew I could do it then because all I had to do was lose as much as I had already lost, I had done it once I could do it again. But even then although I thought I believed it, I’m still not sure I did. I looked at my weightloss graph this afternoon and saw just how far I had come from the start and then how much further I had come from that half way point, the end goal line looks so close now even though it is still 80lbs away, I just know I can make it now :)

Week 55: Friday 1st March Weight = 220lbs Weight Loss =2 lbs

Another good week again this week with regard to eating and exercise. I have stuck very well to my eating plan and on tuesday I went to the gym again, I have really started to love that stepper machine, I managed 30 minutes this week, although I still feel I can carry on and do more I am going to stick at 30 minutes for a few weeks and concentrate a little more on my resistance work to really get my legs thighs tummy and chest toned up more.
I was at the hairdressers again onTuesday morning and I called in to my brother in laws to arrange a time for him to take some new photographs for me...he agreed to do them on wednesday evening when I finished work. Well they have now been taken and I am just waiting for him to transfer them from his digital camera onto his computer and email them to me, it may take a little longer than usual as I know he has a very busy few days ahead of him, but I will post them as soon as I get them, I'm dying to see them too :)
Wednesday was a busy day at work too and I am sure I got a good workout...we decided to take the kids for a walk in the afternoon, the two I got were the real live wires, they wanted to run and jump everywhere, we spent almost an hour running and jumping, but it was great fun for me as well as the kids, I was probably just as excited as they were, not only because I was able to run and jump with them, but also just seeing how much fun they were having, a year ago I wouldn't have been able to do anything like that :)
We had my nephew at the nursery this afternoon, so I dropped him off at home when I was on my own way home, my sister in law has an ab cruncher and we were talking about it, I love using that piece of equipment at the gym, she said she has only used hers a couple of times since she bought it and she said I could have it if I wanted it...well of course I did, I do stomach crunches every day, obviously I don't have the ab cruncher at home so I do them without, but I have it now :).Then when I had been there I called up at my brother in laws for him to take some new photographs which I have now put on my gallery so you can all see what I look like now :)
Thursday I thought I was having computer problems again, but it turned out to be something simple and I fixed the problem really quickly...that makes a change for me :)
I was slightly nervous about this weeks weigh in, not because I have done anything wrong but purely for the fact that I have been increasing my exercise and the weights I use, so I must be building up more muscle, but I had no need to worry the scales showed a loss of 2lbs again this week and once again I am really pleased.another 21lbs to go and I will see the scale read 199lbs, my next mini goal I can't wait :)
I am really looking forward as always to next week, I'm getting so impatient to reach my goal, but I am really pleased that the scales are showing a steady weightloss each week :)

Week 56: Friday 8th March Weight = 218 lbs Weight Loss =2 lbs

This has been a pretty uneventful week, about the only challenge I faced was a family gathering last sunday, my nieces baby was being christened and as always there was a huge buffet laid on after the service. I seem to be coming quite the expert on resisting food on these occasions now. I have to admit that it was made a lot easier this time for the simple reason that I was getting so many compliments on my weightloss and also that my nieces husband didn't recognise me. I only saw him at christmas, but he still didn't recognise me :)
Monday morning I woke up feeling pretty aweful, my head was aching and my throat was sore, I literally had to drag myself out of bed to go to work, when all I felt like doing was rolling over and going back to sleep, I obviously kept myself busy through the day running around after the kids, but by the time I got home I was practically dead on my feet. The week before most of the kids had been sick with the flu and it was fairly obvious that I had caught it from them and for the next 3 days I felt really aweful, it was a real effort to do anything, but I figured that I would just feel worse if I stayed home so I forced myself to go to work and just got on with it. I did however stay away from the gym, I don't think I could have done anything even if I had gone, but I still felt guilty for missing it. I can't wait for next week when I should be back to my normal self again and get right back into my routine.
I have also found it pretty hard to stick to my eating plan, I have just not felt like eating, if I had been on my own, I would probably not have bothered, but my husband kept a close eye on what I was eating and made sure I kept my calories up, if I hadn't I don't think this weeks weigh in would have been so good, as it was the scales showed another good loss of 2lbs again and I am really pleased with that.
I also realised today that when I have lost another 4lbs I will have lost in total 142 lbs, and that is my final goal weight, I just find that totally amazing, I have already lost the equivalent of a whole person. I seem to have been focusing so much on my final goal that I haven't really stopped to look at what I have achieved so far, and it has just blown me away...I know loads of people have told me I should be proud of myself, and I tell them I am, which is true, but I still never really let myself look at just how far I had come, I think part of the reason is probably because I just didn't want to get distracted from my main goal, I suppose I thought that if I stopped to look back, I may just lose sight of where I was going, but I don't think that is likely to happen, I want more than ever now to reach my goal and it just seems to have spurred me on even more.
I have got the photograph back from the wedding this week too and I will try to post it in my gallery over the weekend along with the ones I posted last week :)
So even though I have been sick this week, it has still been a good week, I've had another good loss and I am another 2lbs closer to the end of my journey, I'm feeling good and I'm looking forward to the coming week :)

Week 57: Friday 15th March Weight = 216 lbs Weight Loss =2 lbs

This week didn't go according to plan. After having the flu last week, I thought I was recovering after the weekend, I couldn't wait to go to the gym again, but monday evening I started to feel ill again, Tuesday morning my son woke me up early telling me he didn't feel well either, I felt almost as bad myself as I had done the week before, My throat was really sore again and I had a banging headache. I'm not sure if it was the same flu bug that I had the week before making a return visit, or if I had caught another one, but no matter which I felt aweful again. Even if I had felt up to going to the gym, I still wouldn't have gone on tuesday because I wouldn't have wanted to leave my son alone while he was sick too. Today is really the first day I have started to feel anything like my old self again...I do feel much better but I am still very tired. I hope a restful weekend will be enough to have me ready for the gym again on monday, I really can't tell you just how much I am missing going there.
Hubby has been a star again this past week and has kept me well fed, making sure I eat all the calories I need to eat and I was really pleased that when I got on the scales again this morning, they showed a loss of 2lbs again. I was a little worried that after not going to the gym now for 2 weeks that might have affected my weight loss, thankfully it doesn't appear to have.
I am certain that TOM is due to make an appearance very soon, I am starting to feel over emotional and bloated and crampy, so once again I am pleased to have a weightloss this week. I am trying to think positive thoughts because I know from the past months that this is the time when I start to get impatient and feel sorry for myself...I am still certain that no matter how bad I feel I will not give up, I will make it to my final goal this time, I am just trying to figure out a way to cope with these feelings that make me miserable...Hormones have a lot to answer for :)

Week 58: Friday 22nd March Weight = 214 lbs Weight Loss =2 lbs

This has been a really good week. I went shopping on saturday afternoon with my husband and he bought me a new leather jacket. On sunday we went to the local superstore to do the food shopping and the clothing section had a sale on. I didn't really want to buy anything, but I looked through the rails anyway, nothing would fit me..... and I was thrilled!!!!....finding nothing would fit me was a feeling I was quite used to having before I started this weightloss journey, but this time it was different...nothing would fit me because everything was TOO BIG!!!! the thrill I got from that was far better than actually buying anything. I realise that the clothes were all the largest sizes and there was nothing on the rails in less than a size 22, but when I started even they would have been too small for me, and now they are too big :)
I went back to the gym on monday it felt so good to be back there again after my two weeks away, but as I expected, my trainer was anxious that I started off very gently and only do half my regular routine, I am glad I took his advice, it took me as long to do half a session as it would normally take me to do a full one, and after I had finished I was completely worn out. On Tuesday morning I couldn't move, every part of my body seemed to hurt and I could hardly lift my arms over my head. I washed my hair and had to lower my head to be able to get the hairdryer close enough to dry it, I must have looked really funny. Even though I was so sore I am still glad to be back at the gym. I managed to go again on thursday and again this morning and today I managed my full session again and it also took me 10 minutes less to do than it was taking me before I got sick, so it obviously didn't take me long to get back into the swing of things...I came out of there again today feeling full of energy just like I always did and I have found it difficult to sit down all day, I just wanted to be doing something...the house has been cleaned so much my hubby and son are scared to sit still for too long in case I start cleaning them next, and the dog hasn't been seen for hours :)
I must say I was really really surprised by this weeks weigh in, I was sure TOM would have made its appearance by now, I have been really crabby, bloated and achy for the past week which is pretty normal the week it is due, so I thought I would possibly have a gain in weight this week or stay the same, but NO...I have lost another 2lbs. I am really pleased with the loss and I am getting so excited about seeing those pounds get closer and closer to that 199lb mark. The other thing that pleased me was that with losing 2lbs this week, that now brings my total weightloss so far to 140lbs...that is just 2lbs short of the weight that I have set for my final goal...it feels wonderful to know that I have now actually lost almost the amount of weight that I finally want to weigh, I actually allowed myself to really think about how well I have done so far this afternoon after I was weighed and to say the feeling was quite overwhelming would be an understatement. I have been trying to deal with feeling miserable about how long it is taking me, as I said before, I know it is down to the hormones, but actually sitting back and looking at how far I have come today and feeling how I did, has really helped a lot, and I feel much better :).I also really wouldn't want to lose the weight any faster than I am doing, I feel this is a healthy way to lose the weight and it is giving me time to adjust to the new me, if I lost it faster I would not be able to adjust properly, not only with the things I eat, but also in the things I do and how I react to them....Attention from men is something I have never been used to getting and over the past couple of weeks I have had a few compliments from men I don't really know and I have found it very embarrassing because I just didn't know how to accept the compliments, but I am learning :)
It is really difficult for me to look at myself and notice a difference in myself...I mean obviously I can now see the difference in myself now, to what I was like when I first started, but loooking at myself a couple of months ago to now, there doesn't look to be much of a change...This morning in the gym I met a couple of ladies that I haven't seen for about 6 or 7 weeks and they were amazed at how much more slimmer I looked than when they last saw me...the first thing they said when they came in was ...well there's no need to ask how your diet is going we can see its going great, that was another boost to my will power if ever I needed one.
Once again I am pleased to have had such a good week and I can't wait to get on with my next one, I am off work for 2 weeks now for the easter break, so look out gym, you will be seeing a lot of me over the next couple of weeks :)

Week 59: Friday 29th March Weight = 213 lbs Weight Loss =1 lbs

This week has gone pretty well. Saturday I spent looking around the shops, I didn't buy anything, I was just having fun looking at all the size 10 - 12 things that I intend to buy later on this year :)
My hubby needed my car on monday and Tuesday so I was stuck in the house and couldn't get to the gym so for exercise I did the gardening. I did go to the gym on wednesday and thursday and had 2 really good workouts.
Today it was a trip to the garden centre to buy lots of plants and in the afternoon I planted them all out. I now have the start of a lovelly herb and vegetable garden which should save a bit of money when they are ready to crop. I really do get the gardening bug as soon as the sunshine shows itself. I would say I have always loved gardening, but this year I can safely say I have enjoyed it more than I ever did...before my idea of doing the garden was to walk around the garden centres picking plants that I wanted and then coming home, sit on the path and watch as my hubby did all the work, the most I ever did was a bit of weeding around where I was sitting or planting up a few pots...anything which didn't involve moving or much effort. What a difference this year, this time I have done all the work, I've decided I wanted something putting somewhere and just got on and done it, the digging, the weeding the planting, even digging up my old path and relaying all the stones...ok I wasn't very good at that and hubby ended up redoing it, but the main thing is I did it and the more I do the better I will get. I think my hubby was starting to feel a little redundant, he just isn't used to me saying lets do the garden and then finding there was nothing for him to do coz I had already done it all, he was probably just as surprised as I was and I loved every minute of it :)
My main dream for this summer is to be able to wear a pair of shorts and lie in the sunshine in my nice garden. I am going to do my best to make my end possible I just hope the weather plays its part too and gives us some nice sunshine.
I set myself a little challenge to lose 10lbs in March, today was my last weigh in for the month and I lost 9lbs, I lost 1lb today which I was pleased with because it is TOM, I had forgotten to take that into account when I set my challenge. I thought I would have been disappointed that I didn't reach my goal, and even at TOM I still can't help feeling a little disappointed if I only lose 1lb but this time I'm not I am pleased I got so close and I intend to do the same again next month, it gives me a smaller target to aim for as well as the mini goal of reaching 199lbs which is now only 14lbs away :)
I am looking forward to the coming week, I still have a week off work and so does my hubby , so we will probably be spending a lot more time in the garden weather permitting of course :)

Week 60: Friday 5th April Weight = 210 lbs Weight Loss = 3lbs

A few months ago, my hubby gave me a pair of jeans because they were too small for him, obviously they were miles too small for me too, but it was something else that I could aim for to get into. When I first tried them on I couldn't get them to go past my knees. I tried them on again a couple of weeks ago, this time they would go as far as my thighs. I have no idea why, but on saturday I deceided to try them on again. I was absolutely amazed, not only could I get them on and fasten them, but they were also baggy around my thighs. They were still tight around my tummy and I don't think I would be comfortable wearing them for a few more weeks, but what a thrill to actually get into them :)..my hubby said I looked great in them too :)
I still find it really strange when I catch sight of my reflection in a shop window or a mirror, I sometimes have to look twice to really believe its me that I am seeing.
A year seems such a long time when you think about it, but this past year has flown by so quickly and the difference in me not just physically has been totally amazing. I know there is still a long way to go to reach that final goal and I did get a little depressed about that in the past week, I had set myself my birthday this year to reach it and I know now that realistically that isn't going to be possible...My birthday is 25 weeks away and averaging losing 2lbs a week that will only have me losing 50lbs which will leave me with still another 18lbs to go...as I said I did get a little depressed about it , but when I really thought about it I realised that it desn't matter, I will be almost there and the difference in me then will be fantastic and by christmas I should be there...wow what a christmas present to give myself :)
This has been a good week, I have only managed to get to the gym once, the main reason for that is I have been doing a lot of gardening, unfortunately on wednesday while I was digging out the veggie patch I pulled the muscles in my right shoulder, on thursday I could hardly turn my head it was so painful and on the advice of my trainer I am taking the rest of the week off from exercise. I was worried it may have affected this weeks weigh in, but thankfully it hasn't and I had another great loss of 3lbs this week.
That now means I have lost 144lbs so I have lost more weight now than I actually want to weigh when I reach my goal, I feel brilliant and more focussed than ever, I thought that I would start to lose my motivation the longer I kept going on this journey, but in fact the opposite seems to have happened, the closer I get to the end, the more determined I am getting about reaching it.
As I always say and it's true, I am really looking forward to the coming week, and hopefully getting back to the gym :)

Week 61: Friday 12th April Weight = 210 lbs Weight Loss = 0lbs

This week didn't go as well as I hoped. It was very busy at work and I had to do a lot more hours than I normally would and also my dad was in hospital, so as soon as I had finished work it was off up there to visit him. That meant I just didn't find the time to go to the gym at all.
On top of that, with all the running around I found I just didn't give myself time to plan out my meals. I ate when I got a chance and for most of the week I was just so tired in the evening that I tended to go to bed pretty early, without having my bedtime snack. That meant I underate quite badly for most of the week, in fact on only 3 days did I actually manage to reach 1000 calories in the day.

I know a lot of people overeat when they are rushing around and are stressed, but I appear to have gone in the other direction. However, the results this week have been just as bad as if I had overeaten....well maybe not quite as bad, at least I didn't gain any weight...I didn't lose any either so for me that is just as bad as gaining.Especially as I am hovering on getting into the next stone down :)
I decided that because I had undereaten so much last week that I would have a complete pig out day and as it was weigh in day too, I thought that would be the best time to have it.

For those of you who remember, the last time I did that was back in July for my mums birthday party...I said then I was treating that as an experiment. What happened then was a whole night of discomfort and pain from indegestion and I said then I would think long and hard before I ever did it again.....Oh how quickly we forget.....
Last night I just fancied beefburger, chips and beans...yes fried too!
Well I didn't even manage to finish the meal before the pain of the indegestion started and once again I spent the entire night in agony with it.
Thankfully the pain has now gone, but my tummy still feels tender. As I said before, I will definitely think long and hard before I do that in the future, maybe now that it has happened twice I may find it a little easier to remember next time:)
It just goes to show that when you get out of the habit of eating something, it isn't as enjoyable as you remember it to be. Apart from the discomfort and pain it caused I also found I wasn't really enjoying the taste either.
I am determined to do better this coming week with regards to my eating and I will be doing my best to get to the gym. That in itself will be a challenge because I know I am pretty busy again at work and will be doing extra hours once again, but at least my dad is out of hospital so I wont have to be rushing up there in the evenings.

Week 62: Friday 19th April Weight = 210 lbs. Weight Loss = 0lbs

After the disappointment of not losing any weight last week and then realising that TOM was due this coming Monday I have done everything I possibly can to try for a weight loss this week. I have been to the gym and had two really good workouts, I have been running around all week at work, doing more walking with the children because the weather has been so nice, I have stuck well to my calorie allowance, cut down on my coffee and drunk loads of water each day, but still this week the scales say I have stayed the same again.
For a lot of the week I have been having very up and down moods about it, I have been doing what I tell everyone else not to do. Every time I went into the kitchen I jumped on the scales to see what they said and the results were not very encouraging. Last Sunday I was up by 9lbs. On Tuesday I was up by 5lbs. And every day up to today it was the same saying a gain of 5lbs. Until this afternoons weigh in. That just goes to prove my point as to why you should only weigh yourself once a week at the most.
I am slightly disappointed that I haven’t lost anything again this week, but I know I have done everything I possibly could. And the results can only be because of TOM.
I know I have said it before over and over again and I always say that the hormones at this time don’t allow me to think rationally, but I have made a real effort to realise this time that really it doesn’t matter what the scales say, it is how I look that really matters.
I am now wearing size 16 - 18 clothes and I am looking a whole lot better than I did when I started, this week and last weeks weigh ins are just a temporary glitch in this long journey and I know that if I stick with it and keep on doing exactly what I am doing the weight will come off again, so I am not letting myself get too down about it.
Last Sunday was my sons 13th birthday, my goodness where does the time go, it only seems like yesterday that I was in hospital having him. My brother came up to bring his present and card, but while he was here he kept telling me how good I looked. As usual when he came in I started undressing him, to try on his clothes :) it has now become a habit to try on at least every member of families clothes as soon as I see them. He was really funny because the first thing he said to me when he came in was “ oh by the way, did I tell you we have moved house? “ I thought he was serious and said No, but he just laughed and said “ yeah and if you do find me, my closet will be under lock and key “ but also after he had said that I tried on his jacket and T - shirt that he was wearing and they were much too big for me, a little disappointing really because the jacket was a lovely denim one that would have gone very nicely with my husbands jeans and denim shirt that I was wearing last week…lol but very satisfying none the less.

On Friday morning I went to the hairdressers again, although I liked my hair the last time I had it done, I was getting a little fed up with it because the style it was in meant I had to wash it every morning and blow dry it into shape which always took at least half an hour to do and when I have to be up so early for work, it was getting to be a real drag having to do it, also the hairdryer was disturbing my hubby if he was still in bed when I got up, so I decided I would go for a shorter more manageable style that didn’t need as much maintenance. I also had it dyed red. I was really pleased with it when I came out of the hairdressers, unfortunately my hubby doesn’t like short hair and he was less than impressed when he saw it, he said it was a nice style and yes it did suit me, but he prefers me with longer hair…well I’m sorry about that, but he will just have to get used to it, because I love it and everyone else that has seen it has said it is really nice and suits me. I was more interested in what my two nieces thought, a 13 year old and and a 15 year old, who are both brutally honest when it comes to fashion and hairstyles....well I got a " your hair looks really really nice auntie Ali " from the 15 year old and a " WOW…your hair looks well cool " from the 13 year old…so I think it is a hit.
As I am registering to become a childminder I had to make an appointment to see the doctor this week which I booked for this afternoon for a medical. I was feeling very confident that everything would be ok as I feel so much fitter and healthier than I have done for years. I always had high blood pressure and did take medication at one time, but even on the medication it was always the same every time I had it checked so eventually the doctor said I could stop taking it because it just looked as though although it was high it was just my normal. Unfortunately yesterday my blood pressure was sky high, much higher than it has ever been before and the doctor said it was at a seriously high level and one she was very concerned about considering the amount of weight I have lost and all the exercise I do now. I have to go back again and have it checked 3 times to see if it has indeed gone up or if it was just a fluke reading today, I’ll let you know next week what happens.
Other than that I am looking forward to the coming week, I hope it passes as quickly as all the other weeks seem to be doing because I really want to see those numbers on the scale start to move again.

Week 63: Friday 26th April Weight = 207lbs. Weight Loss = 3lbs

This week started off really well and carried on that way as far as eating went.
It was a very busy day at work on Monday and on Tuesday morning I started the day off as I did last week by going to the gym before work . Again Tuesday was pretty hectic and I didn’t get a chance to sit down all day which I didn’t think boded well for my trip to the doctors at 5.30pm after all that running around I expected my blood pressure to be sky high again. Thankfully when I got there it was down to 140/90 which the nurse said was still too high, but that was what it has always been and what my doctor said was my normal pressure…I have to admit I was expecting it to have come down after losing so much weight…The nurse still wanted to check it again today. My appointment was for 1.30pm and today it was down to 140/80...after I dropped my husband off at work and stayed for a coffee with him, he works as a care assistant for mentally ill patients, he checked my blood pressure on the monitor they have there and it was 121/68, he took it 7 times and it never changed, there are 2 reasons I can think of that there was such a difference.
1. the monitor is inaccurate....unlikely!
2. I get myself so worked up about the fact that I am having my blood pressure taken, that is why it is always high when I go to the surgery.
My sister in law ( who owns the care home ) told me to call in next time I go to the doctors and pick up the monitor and take it with me and if my pressure is high again, then to ask them to check it with the monitor too, that way we will know which reason is right....sounds like a pretty good idea to me.

Wednesday I wasn’t in work until the afternoon so I had planned on going to the gym first thing in the morning.well that didn’t happen,firstly I got a call from my college tutor asking me to make a few alterations to my final assessment and have it back to her before today so I had to spend the entire morning doing that,then I got a call from the childcare registration unit saying that one of the people I had given for and employer reference wasn’t acceptable because she is a family member. Luckily when I got to work, an old friend who runs a nursery was there I haven’t seen her for over 8 years, but I did do some voluntary work for her in her nursery just after my son was born for a couple of years and she said she would be happy to give me a reference, finally, that all seems to be sorted now, which is a relief.
Thursday morning I got up early again and went to the gym before I started work, then in the afternoon I took two babies for a long walk. I walked for 3 hours pushing a double buggy and I was shattered when I got back, but the exercise I got was probably a lot more than I usually get in a week even with going to the gym.

TOM still hasn’t made its appearance, but I don’t think it can be far away now as today I feel achy and bloated, it really is a pain when it doesn’t arrive when it is supposed to, especially now as I have had 2 weeks of staying the same weight . Nothing I can do about it though, so no point getting upset about it. This week the scales finally moved again and I was down by another 2lbs, but still something in the back of my mind keeps nagging me that if TOM had arrived on time would I have lost more weight.I don’t know, I’m just never satisfied am I :). I’m just joking really, I am very pleased with this weeks loss especially now that I have broken into the 14 stone bracket and now only 8lbs away from reaching that magical 199lbs mini goal that I set for myself.
Today was also the last weigh in for April and I have lost a total of 6lbs, 4lbs short of my target yet again I fall short of it, but as the past 2 weeks have been static, I can’t really grumble about that, I will try again in May to lose 10lbs. Once again I am looking forward to the coming week .

Week 64: Friday 3rd May Weight =208lbs Weight Gain = 1lb

I really hate to start off my journal off by having to write down an increase in weight from the previous week, but once again this week I have to.
TOM finally made its appearance yesterday…two weeks later than it should have been and that is the only explanation I have for the 1 pound weight gain this week.

This past month I have really been struggling trying to lose this excess weight and it feels like a long hard uphill battle, but one I do not intend to give up no matter how difficult I am finding it.
Now after saying I am finding it hard just now, I should explain. As far as the eating goes, I am having no trouble sticking to my calorie allowance and I am not tempted at all to cheat. Yes, I have to admit I am getting very disappointed at having a couple of weeks where I didn’t lose any weight at all. This week I have gained a pound. But still, I am not in the frame of mind that says …Oh to hell with it, I’ll just have some chocolate or anything else that I used to turn to when I felt so depressed. At least sticking to the diet for so long seems to have re-educated my eating habits, something I will eternally be grateful for.
The exercise is still going well, I am still enjoying going to the gym and I even went at 9.30 last Sunday morning because I knew I had a pretty busy week at work. On Monday Tuesday and Wednesday I started work before the gym opened so I knew I wouldn’t be able to go any of those days, other than that I have stuck to my normal routine.
My main problem at the moment is my frame of mind and my mood swings. I suppose I am just wanting what everyone who tries to lose weight wants and that is to reach that magical target weight, I want it to happen overnight…don’t we all ! I know that isn’t going to happen and I am feeling sorry for myself. I have even got to the stage where I am just not feeling in the mood to update my journal because when I think about how I have been feeling and not having any good losses to report it starts to depress me again too. I have not been to the messageboards to post anything for almost a week, I have not replied to any emails either, more to the point I haven’t even checked them for the last 2 days, which just goes to show what a lack of enthusiasm I am showing. Something I am not very proud of. I know I need to snap out of it, there is only me who can make reaching my target weight possible and letting these moods get the better of me is not helping me to do that. I guess I should have expected that after so long I would start to get feelings like this, and I suppose it is only natural after having so much weight to lose, I think that now I am getting so much closer to the final goal that could also be what is making it that little bit harder.
Earlier in the week I was looking through my bookcase and I found an old journal that I started to write when I attempted another diet about 10 years ago. I started to read it, I seemed so determined and positive then, but after 63 days that attempt came to yet another disappointing end. I have no idea why, because even on the last entry I made I still seemed to be feeling very positive. I have to say though that even after feeling so down in the dumps this past few weeks, reading that journal did make me feel better, because it has shown me that even though I may have sounded so positive, something obviously happened that made me revert back to my old eating habits. This time at least I know I am not in any danger of doing that. My old eating habits have most definitely gone for good, not only do I not want to eat what I used to eat, but a lot of the food I used to eat I really do not enjoy any more.
It is a little hard to explain really how I am feeling, because my feelings change so much from hour to hour. One minute I can be telling myself how proud of myself I should be because I have done so well, I sit and look at myself in the mirror and I can see how different I look now and I feel pretty good about myself and the next minute I am still sitting there thinking yeah, you’ve done well, but you are still fat and still have a long way to go, staying the same weight, or gaining like I did this week even though I am pretty sure that this gain is entirely due to fluid retention because of TOM, then has me depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

Well sorry to have made this a completely depressing entry, I am going to work hard this coming week on my eating, exercise but most importantly on my frame of mind. I will reach my goal weight, come hell or high water, this is the start of a new week and one I will be aiming to make better than the past few weeks have been.

Week 64: Friday 10th May Weight =205lbs Weight Loss = 3lb

This has been another very busy week. I have managed to get my exercises done and my eating has gone really well. I have also been doing a lot of thinking about exactly why I am feeling depressed about the static weight and the gain last week and I finally realised that it is because I feel out of control.
When I am sticking to my plan and losing weight, I feel in control of everything, however, over the past few weeks when I know I have been doing everything right, just the way I have always done it. My body is not cooperating the way I want it to and I think I have just begun to feel like my body has now taken control back instead of me controlling it. Now how silly is that?
Well I know it may sound silly but it is the only explanation I can come up with. Especially when you consider how I have been feeling this past week. Can you believe I have been getting myself into a real state over this weigh in…I have been so bad worrying about it that for the past 2 nights I just haven’t been able to sleep. All this morning I have had butterflies in my stomach and at one point I was actually feeling nauseous. I just couldn’t wait for my weigh in time to arrive. When it finally got here and the scales showed a loss this week of 3lbs I felt silly at how worried I have been, but so pleased too that the scales showed a loss again. In many ways I think I just needed to see the numbers go down again to make myself relax a little.
I was beginning to feel like I was letting everyone down. So many people say they stick to their eating plans and yet they can’t lose weight and in the back of my mind I always think. Well they must be doing something wrong especially as up until this past month it has always seemed so easy for me to stick to my plan and get good results. Now that I have had this little hiccup I think I will be a little more sympathetic to others that are in the same boat.
I have started looking back through all my daily food intake sheets and checked them all to make sure I haven’t been adding my calories up wrongly. I have rechecked my kitchen scales and replaced the battery so that I know they are weighing everything accurately so now I am certain I am doing everything exactly as I should be doing it. I am feeling a lot better now that this weigh in is over. I think I will always be a little nervous on weigh in days…I always have been right from the beginning…but at least now I think the nerves will be more like they used to be…ones of excitement rather than dread. I now know that I can hit the plateau and so long as I carry on doing just what I have always done the weight will start to come off again just like it has proved today.
I can’t say I have felt good about the way I have felt the past few weeks, but I am really pleased that no matter how bad I felt I didn’t give in. There were many times when I was so fed up…that I just thought what on earth do I have to do, but never once did I ever feel like giving up. The changes I have made in myself since I began this journey have been much too great to ever think about doing that. I look much better and I feel fantastic. I know I still have a long way to go and this last part of the journey was always going to be the hardest. But I am certain I will make it no matter how long and hard it gets.
I am looking forward to the coming week as I always do and this time I feel a lot more relaxed and back in control : )

Week 65: Friday 17th May Weight =208lbs Weight Loss = 0lb Measurements = 46-40-48.5

Another week of staying the same weight :(
I have to admit to being disappointed again, however, this week I also have to admit to not having done any exercise at all apart from running around all day every day after the children at work. which obviously isn’t as much of a workout as going to the gym, just more tiring.
I have stuck well to my calorie allowance and have felt pretty confident all week about todays weigh in which is probably why I felt so disappointed to find I had stayed the same again, but at least it was static and not a weight gain.
I keep saying I am going to work out a regular routine for going to the gym now that I am working full time and my best intentions this week of going after I had finished work all went out of the window because it was by far my busiest week there yet and I was totally exhausted every night when I had finished. I knew that I still had to come home and get dinner ready for everyone else. I just couldn’t find it in me to go and do a work out session, I just wanted to get home and get things done. Silly really because we all know that we feel so much more energetic once we have done our workout, so next week I intend to go no matter how I feel.
I also realised that it is quite a while since I did my measurements. So as I was feeling so disappointed I decided to measure myself again and I was thrilled with the results, it certainly made me feel much better about staying the same this week. My measurements are now 46-40-48.5 that means I have lost 13 inches since December 29th, my measurements then were 51-44-52.5 that seems just incredible to me and I am thrilled with it
A friend sent me a website of someone who is losing weight and one of the entries she made in her journal was that she found her weight loss went in cycles. she said that she seemed to have a few good weeks weight losses and her skin began to feel loose. Then she had a couple of weeks where she stayed the same but her skin seemed to tighten up… she decided that when she wasn’t losing weight it was just giving her skin time to catch up and I have to admit I like that idea…it certainly makes me feel better and I do have to agree with her, I myself do seem to have got more toned over the past few weeks even though my weight losses haven’t been that brilliant.
So what started out as a day where I felt miserable because of my static weight, it has turned out to be not so bad and I feel quite happy again :)
I am looking forward to the coming week and I intend to start it off by going to the gym on Sunday morning.

Week 66: Friday 24th May Weight =202lbs Weight Loss = 3lb

This has been another good week for me. I have been looking forward to this weeks weigh in all week, something I haven’t been doing for a few weeks now. I don’t know if it is all psychological because I have done a full hours exercise every day at home because I wasn’t able to get to the gym as often as I wanted to. But I did get there on Wednesday and I did a full 2 hour session and I feel great. So maybe that is is why I have been looking forward to it. I really feel as though I have got myself back into the frame of mind where I am doing something to help myself instead of just plodding along and hoping the weight is just going to keep falling off. I know I have really been doing that. I have been eating properly but I have to admit that as far as the exercise and going to the gym is concerned I haven’t made the effort to find the time to go and I have been making excuses and hoping that it wouldn’t matter…well it obviously did matter and now it is time to get serious again. I want to reach that 199lb target and all this messing about is not helping me to get there as quickly as I want to. It is also making my final target stay further away. As you all know I set my birthday this year as the date I wanted to reach my final Target, and realistically I now know that isn’t possible. But I do want to be as close to it as I can possibly get, so I need to get my butt into gear and get on with it. No more excuses, just get on and do it.
Nothing very much has happened this past week so I don’t really have very much to write here. I have been working all week apart from Wednesday, which was why I managed to get to the gym and after that I spent some time in the garden doing a bit of potting and weeding, so that was a little more exercise too.
I was really thrilled to find I had lost another 3lbs again this week, that mini target is now just another 3lbs away. I am going to do my best again this week and get in as much exercise as I can and hopefully next week I will reach it. I can’t tell you just how much it will mean to me to finally reach that goal.
I also had my hair cut again today, this time it is really short, hubby says it looks nice but he still prefers long hair. Well it’s a bit tough because I really love it now and I think it really suits me so I am going to keep it like this.
All in all, this week has been good and today I am happy. I am happy with my weight loss and I am really happy with my hair. I am going to try to get some photographs taken this weekend and get them posted in my gallery as soon as I can. Once again I am excited and looking forward to the week ahead.

Week 67: Friday 31st May Weight =199lbs Weight Loss = 3lb

This week started off great. On Friday afternoon, I went to meet an old friend who I used to work with, I haven’t seen her for almost 9 years and of course back then I was close to my highest weight with very long black hair. We were both veterinary nurses and she still works at the surgery so that is where I met her for lunch. When I walked in she said, “Hi, do you have an appointment?”, I just laughed and said ,“yes with you “ You should have seen the look on her face, she stood there with her hands over her mouth just repeating Oh my god, Oh my god I can’t believe its you. She rushed into the surgery and brought my old boss out to say hello, again he is an old friend too and since we moved back home I have been promising to call him and go up and see him but we just haven’t found the time. It is only about a year since I saw him though, but he too just couldn’t believe the difference in me, he said I am half the woman I was a year ago and he loved my new hair style and colour :) What an incredible boost to the ego and will power that was.
On Saturday morning I called round to see my mum, my brother had said he had a pair of jeans that he bought for himself, but he thought they were a woman’s fit, because they didn’t feel right when he had them on so he said I could have them ,and he would take them to my mums for me to pick up. Also when I was there my mum gave me a jacket that her friend had sent for me. One that she had never worn because she liked it when she bought it, but decided the colour wasn’t her colour when she got it home, if it was me, I would have taken it back to the shop and exchanged it or gotten my money back, but not her, I am not complaining though because I now have a beautiful jacket for free :) The other thing that thrilled me about it, is the fact that it is a size 12. Obviously it is a large size 12, but that’s ok. It still fits perfectly :)
Saturday afternoon we went up to see some more old friends, Pete and Nikki. The last time we saw them I had lost 91lbs. I have now lost 155lbs. To me the 64lbs that I have lost since I saw them doesn’t seem that much. Well it does, but what I really mean, is that I don’t look that much different when I look at myself to what I did then, apart from my new very short red hair, but they were totally amazed at how different I looked.
Pete asked me a really good question. He said now I have done all this hard work and made such a difference, when should I have really done it….My answer was quite obviously a very long time ago. Nikki has aslo lost quite a bit of weight, she has gone from a dress size 14-16 to a size 10-12 and she looks great. When she saw me she dragged me off to her bedroom and showed me a beautiful chocolate brown velvet dress, that was a size 14, she said she had thrown out all her large size clothes so that she wouldn’t be able to put weight on again if she did, she now has nothing to wear, but she just couldn’t bring herself to throw this dress out because it was so gorgeous and believe me it really is. She said she was so proud of how much weight I had lost and how fantstic I looked that she wanted me to have it. I was nearly in tears. It is really nice to get compliments from people and congratulations. When I called in to my sisters to show her my new hairstyle, she stood looking at me with tears in her eyes telling me how beautiful I looked. Nikki had pretty much the same look on her face when she told me how proud of me she was and how good I looked. It really makes me feel so humble. I am doing this for myself, and I never imagined what an impact it was making to other people as well as myself. So many people tell me I should feel so proud of all I have achieved and this weekend I really did feel proud.
On Sunday morning I got myself up early and went to the gym for a 2 hour work out which I thoroughly enjoyed…Starting the week off as I mean to go on :)
Monday again was a busy day at work and when I had finished, all I wanted to do was get home and put my feet up, but I had promised myself that I would go to the gym no matter how tired I felt, so I went. I had a really good workout and I felt great when I came out full of energy. That feeling lasted most of the night and I had to eventually make myself go to bed even though I still didn’t feel sleepy tired. However, after saying that, it didn’t seem to take me very long to fall asleep. The difference I did notice though was that when I woke up in the morning, I was wide awake and ready to get up feeling very refreshed. Something I am not used to feeling at all since I started work and had to get up a lot earlier than I was used to. The other thing I noticed that really surprised me was that all my muscles ached. Especially my arms and chest. They felt as though they hadn’t been worked out for weeks. The only thing I can put it down to was the fact that I went to the gym 2 days in a row and did 2 full 2 hour sessions so maybe I overworked them a little. I had a rest day on Tuesday from the gym which as I was sore was probably a very good idea.
I had a little panic on Tuesday night when I was checking through my diary…I noticed that TOM had crept up on me again and was due to start on Wednesday, but I didn’t let it get me down, especially as I know that just because it was due, the way my body is, it doesn’t mean it will arrive.
Well Wednesday arrived and so did TOM. Was I depressed about it? Well for once NO!!! Wednesday was also my day to go to the gym again on my way home from work, and as TOM arrived and I was feeling really crampy and achy, I could quite easily have used that as an excuse just to go straight home, but I didn’t…I went to the gym and did my normal workout and I really enjoyed it. I came home feeling proud of myself for doing it. I think the other thing that has stopped me feeling so depressed about TOM is the fact that it arrived when it was supposed to. So there was none of the bloated and crampy feelings for days and days before it and not knowing when it was going to arrive. That has really made a big difference to how I have approached my weigh in day. Before I have been dreading each weigh in before it arrived and the later it got the more disappointing weigh in’s I was having, at least this time I know that there will only be one. This weeks :)
Well after saying that, this weeks weigh in proved me completely wrong when the scales showed another great loss of 3lbs. I was absolutely thrilled, not only because it is TOM, but also because that now means I have reached that 199lbs mark that had become my final major mini goal. The way I feel today you would think I had reached my final goal.I feel I worked hard last week to reach this goal and I have to be honest, when TOM arrived on time I didn't think I would make it, but I wasn't depressed about it, because I knew I would reach it next week because of all the hard work I put in, but I am definitely on cloud nine today :) I really am on that final stretch now, the next target I reach will be my final one and I can’t wait.:)

Week 68: Friday 7th June Weight =199lbs Weight Loss = 0lb

It is safe to say that I have been on a high all this week after having such a good loss last week and reaching that 199lbs mark. It has inspired me to keep going to the gym more often, so much so that although it was a long holiday weekend this weekend for the queens jubilee and I wasn’t working. I took myself off to the gym for a 2 hour session on Monday a 3 hour session on Tuesday and again on Thursday for another 2 hour session. I have also increased my weights again and I was warned not to get disappointed if I gain a few pounds over the next couple of weeks as it will just be the muscles toning again. I was a bit surprised by that, I thought that only happened when you first started toning the muscles, I didn’t realise it happened again, but I guess it does make sense, once you increase the weights the muscles work harder and therefore tone more…well you learn something every day :)
For just about the first time ever, I got on the scales this week and saw that they had stayed the same and I wasn’t upset about it.
After last weeks achievement I thought I would have been, but I think the main reason that I wasn’t was that when I reached that mini goal I hadn’t really thought about what I would give myself as a reward. Well eventually after thinking long and hard about it I decided to buy myself a swimming costume. I bought a size 16 and was absolutely thrilled to be able to buy it from a normal shop. When I got it home I tried it on, expecting it to be a little snug, it wasn’t….I had to take it back and exchange it for a smaller size 14. Can you imagine the feeling I had walking into that shop and having to say I was returning it for a smaller size because it was too big :)
Well that was great, but it also made me realise that instead of watching the pounds come off week by week now I should be focusing more on how my body is looking and watching the smaller sizes come and go.
I did think about cutting my weigh in days down to once a month now instead of once a week, but even though I feel I should be concentrating more on the dress sizes, I know I still need to keep the weekly weigh ins just to keep my mind focused on the job in hand.

I had a little disappointing news this week and that was my brother in law has been having trouble with transfering the new photographs that I had taken onto his computer and he doesn’t know why. He is going to keep trying and see if he can figure it out, but if not then I will just have to have them taken again. I was really looking forward to being able to post those pictures here so you can all see how much different I look, hopefully he will figure out what is wrong pretty soon and I will be able to get them on here.
Next week looks set to be a busy week at work. But I am determined to keep up my efforts with the exersise and I am looking forward to it as I always seem to do these days.

Week 69: Friday 14th June Weight =198lbs Weight Loss = 1lb

As I expected it was a very busy week at work and I only managed to get to the gym once. This time it wasn’t because I wasn’t making the effort by going after work, it was just because it wasn’t possible to do it, I had to get straight home because my hubby need my car. As a little surprise present for reaching my last mini goal, he bought me my own set of weights so that I can do them at home and not just if I get to the gym. On Tuesday my sister told me that her friend was selling her exercise bike. I said I would buy it off her. But when she heard it was me that wanted it she said she didn’t want any money for it, I could have it if I bought her kids some candy, which was great. I now have my own rowing machine, exercise bike, my ab cruncher and my weights, pretty soon I will have my own complete gym, well I would if I had the room, I need a bigger house :)
My brother in law finally managed to get my new pictures onto his computer and sent them to me yesterday, I have now posted them in my gallery. I was a little disappointed in the one that shows all of me, I look much fatter in it than I did on the last set of photographs that I had taken. I am wearing the same clothes as I was wearing in the wedding photograph, but I still look bigger than on that one. My hubby says the photograph isn’t a very good one because I don’t really look like I do in the photograph. He says it is a combination of bad camera angle and the fact that the clothes I am wearing are much too baggy for me now and when I wear baggy clothes it makes me look bigger than I am. Well that does make sense I suppose.
One thing I am really having trouble with is; knowing what sizes of clothes to buy. I have things in my wardrobe ranging from a size 12 to a size 20 and all of them fit really well…. When I look at myself in the mirror, I still see myself as much bigger than I actually am. I can obviously tell I have lost weight and don’t look like I did when I first started this journey, but I still have great difficulty in knowing how I really do look. That makes it hard to look at clothes on the rails in the shops and know if they will fit or not, take the swimming costume as an example. Everything I am wearing now looks so tiny when they are on the hangers and I still get a great thrill when I get dressed every morning. Yes I still look at everything before I put it on and I savour the feeling I get when I fit into my clothes :)

This weeks weigh in showed another 1 lb loss which I was pleased with. Of course I would have loved it to have been more, but any loss is a good loss and as I said last week, I am now focusing more on the inch loss than on the weight loss, because that is far more important to me now. If the inches are going then the weight will certainly follow.
I don’t know if this will make any sense at all but I don’t feel like I am actually trying to diet anymore. By that I mean I have become so completely used to the things and the way I eat now that it has just become normal to me. I think I finally understand what everyone means when they say you should never think of a diet as a diet but a change in lifestyle…That is so true. I am really pleased about that because it now gives me confidence that when I reach my final target, I wont have any trouble maintaining my weight because my old eating habits have definitely gone for good. I find now that a lot of the things I liked before I really don’t like now…butter for example…... I used to eat loads of it , but now I just can’t stand the taste of it….it just tastes so greasy and makes me feel sick. I have also found that some of my old favourites like mayonnaise, I much prefer the lower calorie versions. This can only be a good thing :)
Next week will be another busy week again at work and about the only thing I am not looking forward to is next Friday…not my weigh in …..I have to go to the dentist…Yukkk !!!!!

Week 70: Friday 21st June Weight =198lbs Weight Loss = 0lb

Firstly let me start off by apologising for this journal entry being so late. Last week was just totally mad. We were so busy at work and I was so late home every night I just didn’t have the time to come online. It seems all I did last week was work eat cook and sleep with the odd mad rush to the gym.
This weeks weigh in showed no loss again , but I am still not depressed about it. I think I mentioned that I had increased my weights at the gym. Well I have also changed my program. I am now doing strength training exercises which focus on specific muscles to tone them up. So far it really seems to be working. I have lost another 2 and a half inches in the past 2 weeks and as I said last week that is what is more important to me now. I want to see those dress sizes getting smaller and I am not too hung up on what the numbers on the scales say.
It feels absolutely fantastic to be able to walk into a shop and buy something in a size 16 and pretty much know it is going to fit and if it doesn’t it won’t be too much longer before it does. It is also a great feeling to look through my wardrobe and try on my own clothes and feel how loose they are starting to get on me now. In fact, remember the green suit I was trying to get into for the wedding, there are some photographs of me wearing it in my gallery. As you can see on them, I could get into it but it was rather on the snug side to say the least. It felt ok when I was wearing it, but it is only now when I look back at those photographs that I can see just how tight it was. Well I am actually wearing that suit now as I am typing this journal, but it is now just so loose my husband says I look like a bag lady…lol. I think that was his way of telling me that this is yet another item of clothing that needs to be donated to the charity shops and that it is time to start bugging my slimmer friends and relatives for more of their cast offs. One of my all time goals has been to wear a pair of leather jeans, it was always just the fact I wanted to be able to wear them, but also for practical reasons too, my husband is motor bike mad and we have a Ducati 900ss. When I go on the back with him I always had to wear jeans because I could never get any leathers to fit me. A couple of years ago we had an accident and I slid up the road on my knee. The jeans I was wearing just shredded along with my knee. The doctor told me then if I had been wearing leathers I would more than likely have got away without any injury but if there was any the worst it would have been would have been bad bruising instead of having to have surgery to remove shredded jeans and gravel from the road.
Since I started this journey I have been eyeing up my husbands leathers. Well this week I decided I was going to try them on. I will never be able to wear his stuff though for the simple reason I am 5ft 6 and he is 6ft 2, but it was always going to be a big thing when I could just slide into them and have them slide on.
When I tried them on not only did they slide on, they were also too loose. Oh boy what a great feeling. The bike is off the road at them moment because hubby is adding new bits and tweaking things…men ….they have to fiddle all the time don’t they :). Well next year I know I will be wearing the leathers I really want to wear I’ll look good and I will also be safer.
This next week looks as though it will be another busy week, but I will be hanging in there and sticking with my eating and exercise plan. The only thing that is going to spoil next week is the fact that TOM is due again :( but no matter what the scales say I am still feeling good I know I am going to get there soon :)

Week 71: Friday 28th June Weight =194lbs Weight Loss = 4lbs

As expected this week was another busy one at work. We have a lot of the children off sick with German measles and it seems every day we have had days where another one is so cranky and whingey that we think they are coming down with it too.
The week has gone pretty well on the eating plan but I am finding my new exercise program a challenge. Only for the fact I am not used to it yet and if I am left alone I forget how I am supposed to be doing some of the exercises and I think I have been making some of them up as I go along..lol
Some of the exercises I am doing are just the same as I was doing before, but I am now doing less repetitions and doing them a lot slower. When my trainer told me to do them slower and cut down the amount of repetitions I was doing I thought he was mad…I really didn’t think they would be working any more…I was convinced that my muscles were used to what I had been doing and that doing less would just not be working them any more….Well how wrong I was. This past week I have felt as though I have just started exercising all over again. The morning after my first slow work out I could hardly move…It was definitely one of those days when I put my toothbrush on the work top and moved my head from side to side over it because my arms were just too sore to lift it to my mouth. But it has definitely got better as the week has gone on.
I am really enjoying the new program, I have to admit that before I was starting to get a bit bored with the same old exercise routine. I was just so used to it I could go through it with my eyes shut. Now I have a whole new set of exercises to do and each time I go to the gym although they are still the same exercises my trainer shows me a different way to do them so that my muscles are kept confused and don’t get used to them so quickly. It has stared to become fun again because I never know what I am going to be doing…My poor muscles. If I don’t know what I am doing, they certainly don’t stand a chance:)
It obviously still is working them well this week showed another 2 ½ inches lost and the scales were kind to me too showing a fantastic loss of 4lbs. I couldn’t believe it when I saw that today and I feel absolutely fantastic.
I received an email from someone yesterday asking me how I manage to stay motivated now after so long. The only thing I can tell them is that I am more motivated now than ever, the more weight I lose the more my motivation grows.
So many things have happened, I look better, I feel better, I can do things now that I never imagined I would ever be able to do, some things are just little things that normal sized people take for granted, such as bending over to tie my shoes, but when you have been so overweight that sometimes you had to get someone else to do that simple little task for you, it really is quite a big achievement to finally be able to do it for yourself and it is all these little things that are big things to me, that help keep me focused and motivated.
The closer I get to my final goal the more determined I am to reach it.
This has been a really great week, I wasn’t really expecting anything as good as this especially as TOM was due on Wednesday, so far that hasn’t made an appearance so I am not expecting anything brilliant next week. But as far as this week goes I am really on a high and really looking forward to my next week of strength training exercise.

Week 72: Friday 5th July Weight =194lbs Weight Loss = 0 lbs

This week started off really well. I got my latest copy of slimming magazine and started to read through it as I always do. One article stuck out in particular which interested me and that was one about hitting a plateau after dieting for quite a while. One of the points it made was that when you have been sticking to a calorie counted diet for quite a while and you hit a plateau, it could be that maybe you aren’t being quite as careful as you were when you first started the diet…Well I took a look at some of the things I had started to do and maybe they were right…I still weigh and measure everything I eat…but I have noticed that when I started this journey…if I was wanted 10 grms of something I would weigh it exactly….these days I have noticed myself throwing things into the scales and it saying 11 grms before I would scrape a gram off but recently I have just thought oh that’s close enough…when I think about how many times I do that now and how many calories that could add up to it makes me wonder if on these weeks when I have had a static weight, how much of that has been down to me just not being as careful as I used to be…..Well I have made a very concious effort this week to be more accurate with my weighing and measuring.
For those of you who read this journal but also post along with me on the 3fc board you will already know about the email I received last week, for those of you who don’t I will now post it for you all to read.

Dear Alison,
I have just finished looking over your website and I have to tell you one thing. Losing weight is one of the hardest things anyone has ever got to do and unless you have been in that position you have no idea how difficult, depressing and distressing it can be.
When I saw your first pictures I thought to myself here is a genuine person who really knows how I feel that was until I carried on looking at the other photographs you posted SUPPOSEDLY!!!! of yourself as you lost weight.
They are quite obviously all of different people. If you are going to try to convince people that those are photographs of you.
you should have been more careful in choosing ones that bore some sort of resemblance to the original one you posted. I may be overweight but I am not stupid, give me some credit to be able to tell that a photograph is of someone else.
Some of us are genuinely trying to deal with our weight problems and it is a shame there are sad individuals out there like you who are just trying to mock all our efforts by pretending to understand how we feel and convince us that you have lost weight.
you are pathetic and I just hope no one else is conned by your deception.

When I first got that email I was so upset about it…Then I thought it was funny that someone actually thought I would bother taking the time to search for photographs of someone else and try to pass them off as me. The fact that I am standing in the same place on each photograph and that the background wallpaper is always the same and on many of them My sister in laws dog is with me should be evidence enough that the photographs are all of the same person.
I finally decided I should take that email as a compliment, that I have changed so much since I started this journey that someone out there actually thinks I look like a different person….well I do and I also feel like one…but wasn’t that the whole point?
That email was obviously written by someone who has serious issues with their own weight and desperately needs help…I am still upset about the email. But not for the same reason …The thing that upsets me now, is knowing there is someone out there who is so desperate about their own weight that they resort to sending malicious emails to someone who is trying to become successful and beat her own weight issues. It hurts me to know there is nothing at all I can do to help that person…I did try to reply to the email, but it was returned as undeliverable mail. This is something I can’t allow myself to dwell on, and just put it behind me.
On Monday evening I decided to have a good clear out of my wardrobe…I have finally thrown all my biggest clothes out. I will never wear them again…I did decide to keep a couple of outfits just as a reminder of exactly how big I was and also so that I have something to have photographs taken in when I reach my final goal. I tried on an old coat…I say old, I have actually only worn it 3 times, but when I put it on I just looked so funny. I put it on, my hubby and son also got in it with me and we were able to fasten it….that is definitely one photograph that you will all be seeing when I reach my goal :)
TOM made its appearance this week, yet again a week later than it should have arrived so I wasn’t surprised to find that this week my weight stayed static again…well to say I wasn’t surprised actually I was…I really expected to have gained a little for how I felt this morning when I got up…the jeans I was wearing quite comfortably yesterday almost cut me in half today when I tried to put them on. I am still feeling good though and staying the same again this week hasn’t depressed me like it used to do. I am looking forward to the coming week and hoping to see a loss next week in either inches or weight :)

Week 73: Friday 12th Weight =195lbs Weight Gain = 1lbs

This has been a very boring week and I haven’t really got much to write, all I seem to have done this week is eat, sleep and work.
My weigh in was very confusing…I woke up this morning feeling pretty confident that I would have lost weight, I measured myself and I had lost another 2 inches so I was really pleased. When my weigh in time arrived I got on the scales and was really surprised to see I had gained a pound and not lost as I had expected…as I had lost 2 inches I wasn’t really that disappointed because as I have said before , that is what I am more interested in now. I also just presumed that the different exercise program I am doing would have caused more muscle build up and that was also a contributing factor.
I made my lunch and ate that and then took my plate into the kitchen to wash it…I hadn’t moved the scales since I got weighed and I couldn’t help myself I got on them again, I told myself I was just curious to see how much weight I gain after eating a sandwich, I couldn’t believe it, the scales then said I was 193lbs and not 195lbs that I had been at my weigh in…over the course of the day I jumped on and off the scales and every single time I did, they said 193lbs, it said the same Saturday and Sunday morning too so who knows why at my weigh in time I had gained a pound.
However, the way I look at it is this…I could lie to you all and say I lost a pound and you wouldn’t know any different, but where would be the point in that. I would only really be lying to myself anyway…the other thing is that if I was going to a slimming club, I would only have the one weigh in and it would have shown a gain, so this week I am marking it down as a 1 pound gain and just accepting that...I did keep checking my measurements tho to make sure they were still right and thankfully they were, so even though at my regular weigh in time I appeared to have gained a pound I had still lost 2 inches and so I am very happy with this week.

Next week I may not be able to check my weight because I am working very long hours, I will probably check it before I leave for work and again when I get home, but unless I can actually manage to get home for an hour at my normal weigh in time, I will not be marking next weeks weigh in as an accurate one.
I am still feeling pretty good and I am still enjoying my exercise program…it is so nice to end a week and still look forward to the week ahead :)

Week 74: Friday 19th July Weight =193lbs Weight Loss = 2lbs

This has been another good week, but a very busy one. I still managed to make time to get to the gym, but unfortunately that left very little time to do anything else. I have not been near my computer for almost the full week, so for all of you who have sent me emails, I’m sorry, I will definitely make time this weekend to reply to you all I promise :)
On Tuesday hubby bought me a new dress, he said it was the little black number I had always wanted to be able to wear. When he gave it to me I just laughed because it looked so tiny, even though it was a size 16. It is the type of material that just clings to every bump and bulge even though it is stretchy. He told me it was another thing for me to aim for to get into. I have to admit I thought it would be a long time before I could wear it, but decided to try it on anyway to see how bad I looked…well the long and short of it is that it fit perfectly…no stretching needed and no unsightly bulges or bumps…looks like poor old hubby is going to have to put his hand into his pockets again and buy me another much smaller one :)
It was my dads birthday yesterday and I went up to take his card and present…My sister in law was there…I don’t know if you remember, but back around christmas time she promised me a black dress when I could get into it. Well, when she saw me yesterday she just took one look and said, I better get that black dress to you because it looks as though it will fit now….Personally I really have no concept of how I look and the size of clothes I can fit into just by looking at them, but I think she is wrong, I am fairly sure that it still wont fit me just yet, but that will be such a great incentive to hang in my closet to take out every couple of weeks to see how much closer I am getting.
Earlier in the week my mum took her dog to the vets to have its nails clipped and she was talking to my old boss. He was saying how fantastic I looked now that I had lost so much weight. It really made me laugh when she said he had told her that he thought I had lost enough now and didn’t need to lose any more…he isn’t the first one to make that comment either…No one has actually said it to my face but several people have told my mum and sister that I had done enough and should stop now before I go too far. But I am still 51lbs away from my target weight and that target weight is actually the highest for my weight range. I do think I will probably adjust my final target because I have been told that those weight ranges are based on height only and not muscle mass and as I am doing so much exercise and toning up my muscles I will probably end up weighing more than my recommended weight because of the fact that muscle weighs more than fat…that is something I am quite happy to accept, but not just yet. I may already be looking a whole lot better than I did when I started this journey, but I am still quite a way from looking exactly how I want to look…more to the point my trainer also agrees and his opinion is one that I count on.
All week I have been looking forward to getting weighed today because of last weeks weigh in…although I wasn’t too disappointed at the fact that I had gained a pound I was really pleased with the inch loss. I wasn't sure I would be able to manage to get weighed because I thought I would be working all day, but it just so happened that I managed to get the afternoon off work, so it wasn't a problem.This week I was just curious to see if there had been much change…..That was until yesterday morning when I woke up feeling bloated and like a balloon. In the afternoon, TOM, made another surprise guest appearance even though it is only 9 days since it was last here…I really have totally given up on trying to understand how my body works, it definitely just does its own thing and there is nothing I can do about it, the only difference now is, I really don’t seem to be getting stressed out about it any more. As you all know I used to get so depressed at TOM if I had a static weigh in or, god forbid, if I had a weight gain, but now I just seem to be taking it all in my stride…I am just plodding along and accepting each weigh in, good or bad as they come. I think the main reason for that is the fact that, earlier in this journey I was totally obsessed with what I put into my mouth, counting the calories on everything and writing them down before I ate anything, but now I am just so used to what I eat, that I don’t seem to think about it like I did before…I eat pretty much the same thing, week after week and I know exactly how many calories are in it. Take Thursdays for example…it has now become tagliatelle day. Every week without fail I have that for dinner, with my sandwich for lunch. I know exactly how many calories are in the days food and how many are left for my snacks so all I need to check are the calories in the snacks before I eat them. That definitely means I am not having to think about food as much.
Now after saying that I was again surprised by todays weigh in by the fact that the scales showed a loss of 2lbs despite the reappearance of TOM…So once again I am very happy with the past weeks efforts and I’m looking forward to the coming week…apart from having to work:)

Week 75: Friday 26th July Weight =192lbs Weight Loss = 1lb

This has been another busy week, but I have managed to get in my sessions at the gym.
I went on Wednesday morning for a good 2 hour session and a long long chat with my personal trainer.
I said right at the start of this journey that I was setting my target weight at 142lbs, because that was what was recommended from all the slimming magazines I read and the club I attended years ago, but that I would not go that far if I didn't think I needed to just because someone somewhere said that is what I should weigh for my height. The one thing my trainer pointed out, was that these weights recommended by the magazines and clubs only go off your height, they do not take into account muscle mass and tone and as we all know muscle weighs more than fat so you could look really good but be heavier than the charts say you should be.
Well on his recommendation I have readjusted my final goal to 154lbs because he really does think that will be enough. Something in the back of my mind keeps telling me that it wont be enough and I think it is probably psychological because of the recommended weight charts. We have reached a compromise ...I am now setting 154lbs as my final target, but when I reach that we will look at it again and if I am not happy, then I can lose a little more, but I will definitely take his advice when I get there because I don't think my own feelings would be unbiased, I am sure I will always think I look fatter than I am and his opinion will be totally neutral. I am already getting people telling me that I have done great but that I should stop now because I am looking too thin...lol
I know that isn't true yet, but I can understand why they would be saying it... with some people it will be jealousy, but others it will be because they remember what I looked like before, when they saw me, then, they saw my size first and then my face...now they see my face first and that does look a whole lot different than it did before. I will definitely have to rely on the opinions of people I trust when I reach that 154lbs target because I really don't want to make the mistake of going too far.
I got up early and spent another 2 and a half hours at the gym again on Thursday morning which I thoroughly enjoyed. The rest of the week was pretty uneventful as I was working Thursday afternoon and most of Friday, however I did manage to get a bit of time on Friday to get off and get weighed.
I was pleased to see that I had lost another pound this week. This may be my last weigh in for the next couple of weeks. Next Friday is a very busy day at work and it doesn’t look likely that I will be able to manage to get off to be weighed and the following Friday I go away to Glasgow for the weekend. I will probably weigh myself before I go to work and before I go away, but as you all know by now I never record weights that are taken unless they are on my regular weigh in times, so whatever the scales say, it will only be for my own piece of mind and to keep me on track until my next official weigh in.

Week 76: Friday 2nd August Weight =190lbs Weight Loss = 2lbs

The week started off great I had a fantastic day on Saturday. I woke up at 7am thinking it was Friday and got up and got myself ready for work…what a great feeling it was when I realised it was Saturday and my day off :) I decided to make an early start at the gym and spent 2 and a half hours there. Later in the afternoon we went to visit my sister in law and we played tennis in the garden, then went swimming in her pool. I hadn’t taken a swimming costume and when everyone else was going in to the pool I was a bit disappointed, but Ann said there were loads of spare costumes in the pool room and just to borrow one. my first reaction was, oh of course none of them would fit me, how wrong I was, there were only 2 there that wouldn’t fit me and that was because they were childrens…can you imagine what a great feeling it was to walk into that pool room. Pick up a swimming costume and slide into it…yeah it was fantastic, but not half as good as the feeling I got when I got out of the pool and Ann threw me a towel and said just wrap that around your waist and we will go and sit on the patio and have a drink…a normal sized towel and it wraped around my waist. Before even a huge bath towel wouldn’t go around me and here I was sitting with a normal sized one. Later I had a sauna before we came home I felt absolutely brilliant and well and truly pampered :)
Monday and Tuesday were very busy days at work. On Monday my sister took some of the older children to Gullivers World Theme Park along with a few other childminders and their children. I stayed at home to look after the babies, which was fun, but very busy and hard work.
My sister in law came to pick our niece up later that evening because she had gone on the trip too . When she arrived, she asked me if I wanted my brothers stepper machine which he bought for his training in his younger days when he was a serious motorcross rider. Now he only rides for a hobby and doesn’t keep as fit as he once did and doesn’t use the stepper machine anymore. He said it was just taking up valuable space in his garage.
Well a bit of a silly question to ask if I wanted it really wasn’t it :) of course, I jumped at it and my hubby went to pick it up later that evening. Our house is so small and I had no idea where it was going to go but decided to worry about that later…as I always do :) In the end, it had to go in the hallway where my exercise bench had taken up residence because it is just so big there was nowhere else it could possibly go. The exercise bench is now in the lounge. I think I probably have a piece of exercise equipment in every room in the house now, I must burn off a few extra calories moving from room to room to use them :)
On Wednesday it was my day off work and I fully intended to spend the morning at they gym, but the weather has been absolutely horrendous and it was really throwing it down when I got up and I took pity on my poor hubby and let him take my car to work so that he wouldn’t get soaked going in on his motorbike. That of course meant I couldn’t go to the gym, but it gave me a chance to have a full work out with all my own equipment. I realised that I now have all the equipment at home that I use at they gym apart from one piece, but I can use my free weights to do the same exercises. So Wednesday morning I worked out for 3 hours and I felt really pleased with myself.
In the afternoon I started to prepare the vegetables for dinner and found the mange tout I had bought had already gone off. I was really annoyed because I had my heart set on it and I didn’t have a car to go to the supermarket to get any more. The supermarket is only 5 minutes drive away, but it is a good 10 - 15 minute walk. I was feeling so good after my morning workout I decided I would jog there to get some more even though it was still raining cats and dogs. It took me 26 minutes from start to finish and 14 minutes of that was spent inside the supermarket. So to say I felt pleased with myself would be an understatement. 18 months ago walking to the supermarket would never have even crossed my mind. I used to sit in the car park when I went and wait for a car to leave a parking space close to the doors so that I wouldn’t have to walk very far and Wednesday there I was jogging there and back. Once again I have that wonderful feeling of achievement because I have done something I never imagined I would ever be able to do.
This has been another good week on the scales too and I lost another 2 lbs. I didn’t think I would be able to get weighed today because I was supposed to be working all day, but my shifts were changed and I got the afternoon off. But next Friday I definitely wont be able to get weighed, I am going away for the weekend and wont be back until later Sunday evening, but the way I feel at the end of this week after the week that has just passed I know I will have no trouble at all sticking with it and I can’t wait for my next weigh in in 2 weeks time.

Week 77: Friday 9th August Weight =190lbs Weight Loss = No weigh in away for the weekend

I felt really good after my weigh in last week, I was really pleased that I had another good loss, which always makes my Fridays nice. I have to admit that on Saturday morning I was once again surprised by the fact I had a loss because TOM arrived once again, only 16 days since it was last here…well they do say to vary your exercise to confuse your metabolism, I think all this exercise is confusing my whole body :)
MY latest issue of slimming magazine arrived too, which gave me something to read. I still love reading all the success stories, and I think I probably enjoy them even more now because I am so close to becoming one myself. Before I would only read them and wish it was me, now I am so close to my goal, it isn’t a wish anymore it is almost a reality.
Oh…there I go again, I digress, I almost forgot the point of what I was going to tell you.!
Well I have been buying slimming magazine for well over 15 years and I did once attend one of their slimming clubs. Back in those days they gave recommendations for the amount of weight you should weigh for your height, and the calories you should eat relevant to the amount of weight you needed to lose per day, which used to be:-
For my height of 5ft 6 it recommended that I weighed in the range of 9 stone 4lbs(130lbs) to 10 stone 2lbs . (142lbs)This is where I got my first initial target weight from and why I set it at 10 stone 2lbs. (142lbs)The amount of calories to lose weight were:-
Up to a stone to lose(14lbs)…………1000 calories per day
1 - 3 stone to lose(14 - 42lbs)………1250 calories per day
3 stone and over( 42lbs + )………….1500 calories per day
Then suddenly a few months ago that all changed. Once I had set my target weight I very rarely looked at the height weight charts anymore it was only by chance that I saw someone posting a message on the 3fc message board telling someone the amount of calories recommended to lose weight. Which, was more than I had always thought. I asked where they got the recommended calories from and they said slimming magazine. So of course I went and checked and sure enough it had all changed.
It now recommends for my height of 5ft 6…I should weigh in the range of 8 stone 12lbs (124lbs) to 11 stone 1lb ( 155lbs) and the calories are :-
Up to a stone to lose(14lbs)…………1250 calories per day
1 - 3 stone to lose(14 - 42lbs)………1500 calories per day
3 stone and over( 42lbs + )………….1800 calories per day
It does however say that all the information given in the charts assumes that you are exercising for at least 30 minutes 3 - 5 times a week and if you are not doing this then you should knock 250 calories per day from the recommended totals. So in fact the only thing that has changed is the amount they say you should weigh in the height chart…This is good news for me because although I had increased my final target to 11 stone ( 154lbs) I wasn’t completely happy, because at the back of my mind I still knew that height chart said I should weigh less….well now it doesn’t, it now agrees with my final target :)…maybe it is just me, and that old thing about not really seeing myself as others see me, but when I look in the mirror, although I do now see a big difference, I also think I need to lose more than the 2 stone 8lbs( 36lbs) to get me to that target, so until I actually reach it I am reserving judgement.

On Saturday afternoon I took myself into town to do some shopping. I have always wanted a Chinese dress and I have always wanted to go to Dorothy Perkins to buy something. That is one shop I always thought of as a skinny persons shop :)
Well I decided to pop in and have a look for the future. They had a sale on and I found a beautiful Chinese style dress which was marked at £15 ( $23) in a size 16. Because they are so tightly fitted I didn’t think it would fit just yet, but at that price I just had to buy it. When I got it to the check out I was told that it was in the special promotions and there was a further £10 ( $15 )off it so it actually only cost me £5 ($7)…what a bargain. The biggest thrill of all was getting home and trying it on…It fit perfectly.:)
I had a great Sunday afternoon, I spent it at my sister in laws playing water volleyball in the swimming pool with the kids and hubby. We were in there for hours and looked like wrinkled prunes when we got out…Hubby got tired and got out well before I did :)
On Monday evening it was time to put into practice all the advice I give to people when they go out to eat. Since I started this journey I have been to parties and family events where food has been laid on, but I have never actually been out to a restaurant to eat. On Monday evening, my sister took me out and I had a great night. Firstly it was a chance to wear my new dress, which looked great, and secondly I managed without any trouble at all to make the best choice of chicken and bacon salad with no dressing and a jacket potato which meant I stuck well within my daily calorie allowance. I had a great time and as I was eating the same as most people there I didn’t feel at all deprived, which I wasn’t.
On Wednesday I had the day off work and I decided to do my workout at home instead of going to the gym. I started at 9 o/clock and finished at 12.15. I think I probably did more at home than I do when I go to the gym too , because I didn’t have to wait around at all for any equipment like I quite often have to do at the gym also there was no one to keep me talking and distract me, so the 3 ¼ hours workout was exactly that without any breaks for waiting and talking.
Thursday was a very busy day at work again and I had loads to do in the evening when I got home to get ready for my trip today. It is now 10 am and will be leaving in about an hours time. I will be missing this weeks weigh in because I usually get weighed at 1pm and of course I will be well on my way by then. I was going to jump on the scales and have a sneaky look before I went, but as TOM made another appearance and is still here I have decided to stay well away from them :)
I am looking forward to my weekend and looking forward even more to my next weigh in

Week 78: Friday 16th August Weight =190lbs Weight Loss = 0lbs

Had a great weekend away up in Glasgow but for the first time in all the times I have been going up there, I couldn’t wait to come home…I was missing my workouts…can you believe that :) I even got to travel on one of the new Virgin trains coming home which was rather nice. I wouldn’t have thought so 18 months ago tho, the seats on these new trains are very narrow I don’t think I would have fit into them properly back then, I would probably have had to have 2 seats all for myself. But not now :)
I managed to stick to my calories while I was away, obviously it wasn’t too difficult while I was travelling, I didn’t have food with me so there was no problem not eating. I suppose I could have gone to the buffet car, but I object to paying extortionate prices for sandwiches. I phoned my hubby and he prepared some vegetables for me for when I got home, so I had my meal when I got in. Much better than an expensive high calorie sandwich and obviously more filling too.:)
I went to the supermarket on Tuesday evening on my way home from work, as I reached into the freezer, I watched my wedding, engagement and eternity ring, slide off my finger and I couldn’t catch them. The freezer was so deep I couldn’t reach them. I ended up looking for the tallest person in the shop to go and ask them to get them for me. He couldn’t reach them either and ended up going for the store manager, who thankfully was 6ft 4”, it was very embarrassing, but also really funny. However, I think it has shown me that I really need to stop wearing them until I reach my final target weight when I will then have them made smaller. No point having it done just yet. I don’t want to waste money having them done now only to find in a few months time, I need to have them done again. Luckily I saw them fall off and saw where they went, next time I might not be so lucky and I would be devastated if I lost them.
The week seemed to be going so well. Since my weekend away and missing last weeks weigh in, I have been doing what I always tell others not to do...Definitely a case of do what I say not what I do :)
I have been weighing myself every day. I have been wearing my jeans and sometimes my shoes as well which obvioulsy weighs more than the clothes I normally wear when I get weighed and each day my weight has been either 187lbs or 188lbs, so I was really looking forward to this weeks weigh in as I was confident of having a good loss. However, when the time arrived to jump on the scales they showed absolutely no difference at all I was still 190lbs. To say I was really disappointed would be an understatement. Not to lose heart too quickly I decided as it has been a couple of weeks since I did my measurements I would check those and there again there was no difference at all, if anything there was a couple of millimetres increase in my boob measurements, more disappointment. I felt miserable.
My friend Dave has just built himself a new computer and while I was at work on friday morning he took mine apart and put in his old memory so that I have more on mine...Unfortunately mine now wont work and it looks as though the memory may have shorted out my motherboard. I am lost without my computer, it is like my best friend, I know when I am feeling down I can always log on to here or 3fc messageboard and get cheered up, and on days like friday I really needed the support, I was totally miserable and spent a few hours in tears. Well the computer I'm afraid to say was the straw that broke the camels back.
Now it is confession time!
I did something I am not proud of and now I am really disgusted with myself for doing it...... I turned to food.... I didn't do it subconciously either, I actually sat down and thought about what I was going to pig out on, I even made a special trip to the supermarket to buy chocolate.
Before I started to eat anything I actually thought about what I was going to do, I told myself I was being stupid, that I would feel more miserable after I had calmed down if I ate what I intended to eat, and the chances of losing any weight next week would be probably impossible so next weeks weigh in would show a gain in weight which would make me feel miserable again then too. But still I went ahead and did it. I ate anything and everything, I ate until I felt sick. I can't consider it comfort eating anymore because I got absolutely no comfort from doing it, I just felt sick and guilty and as I knew it would, it just added to my misery.
I have no one to blame but myself.
Today is saturday and that was yesterday, from here on in I have to get my act together for the coming week and try to make up for what I did yesterday to limit the damage I did.
I have let myself down and I am really disappointed in myself, but I also know that it was only one mistake and I am strong enough now to be able to put it behind me, forget about it and get on with the job in hand.
As I said before, next week will probably not be a very good weigh in, but I have already started to prepare myself mentally for that, so I don't repeat the antics of this week.

Week 79: Friday 23rd August Weight =186lbs Weight Loss = 4lbs Measurements 43.5/36/45.5

I started my week off really well. I woke up with a good frame of mind...I made a mistake, but I got over it and I was determined to get myself together and get on with what I have been doing. I had a good workout at home and I cut back my calories on saturday and sunday....on monday I went to the gym and did a 3 hour session in the morning and then in the afternoon I went round to my mates new flat and started stripping the walls....Stripping walls sanding woodwork, washing, walls floors and anything else that didn't move, running here there and everywhere all week and then finally on wednesday we started to paint, that has definitely been a lot of hard work and good exercise.
I think I probably did myself some good last friday having that pig out...at least it got it out of my system and it has really focused me again. It made me work extra hard to make up for it and made me think about why I was having to work extra hard...and although I have enjoyed the extra workouts, it has taken up time and it made me realise that if I hadn't done it I could be doing other things. It wasn't worth the feeling I had after I had done it. Having to work out more and cut down my calories for a couple of days after made me have to think about what I was doing again instead of just getting along with my normal routine, it was almost like going back to basics, but maybe that was a good thing, it helped me refocus. I have hated myself for being so weak, but it has also proved to me that I am in control...I controlled my pig out and I have controlled myself getting back on track.

It wasn't all that easy on sunday with the exercise and decorating either, on saturday we went to watch our next door neighbour race his motorbike...the weather was glorious, and guess who forgot to take sunblock :)...needless to say, I came home looking like a lobster and very very sore...which was really a surprise to me...I don't usually burn...in the past I have always just gone brown, but not this time...I wonder if losing weight has had an effect on that too?...I was really sore until wednesday, thursday it was just slightly tender on my collar bones, but now it is fine and it has gone a lovelly shade of brown :)

I also know I can't expect to be losing 3-4lbs each week now and that really any loss is a good one. I have been thinking about cutting back weighing to just once a month but I decided that if I don't weigh each week I might be tempted to slip up a little more often, because in the back of my mind I would always be thinking well if I just have this now I have got another 3 weeks to make up for it before I get weighed again and that isn't a habit I want to fall into.
I am still really trying to pay more attention to how my clothes feel and how I look than what the scale says.
The one thing that was strange about last weeks weigh in being the same when I thought I should have lost weight was that I also took my measurements again and they were the same as they were the last time I took them too, but yet the day after I could get into a pair of trousers and a dress that I couldn't get into the week before. So maybe it was just fluid retention that caused my weight to stay the same...who knows. That was in the past now, its over and done with and I am carrying on.
I have had mixed emotions about this weeks weigh in. I was dreading getting on the scales because I was certain that I would have gained weight because of last friday even though I have worked so hard since to make up for it, but all my efforts have been rewarded with a loss of 4lbs this week. In one way I feel slightly guilty about having such a good loss when I know how badly I let myself down last week, it almost feels like I got away with it. But as a friend pointed out, this makes up for all the times when I have been really good and haven't had the losses I thought I should have had, last week being one of those times too. I also took my measurements again today and I have lost another 2 inches.
So all in all I am really pleased with this weeks weigh in. The disappointment and depression of last week is well behind me and I am totally focused on reaching my final goal as soon as possible again.
Oh yeah and just to make things even better this week I also get another star for the front of my journal. That now makes a total of 24 stars on the front of it :)

Week 80: Friday 30th August Weight =182lbs Weight Loss =4lbs

I was still on a high all weekend after last weeks great weightloss. I had to go to my nieces first birthday party on saturday which was supposed to be a bar-b-que, but after checking the weather reports they decided to change it to a buffet....I was pleased with that because I thought that would be a lot easier to handle than all the smells of cooking food. Unfortunately when I got there can you believe the only salad available was the cucumber, tomatoes and onion they had used to garnish the tops of the sandwiches and a plate of cucumber and boiled baby sweetcorn. I was such an angel though that was the only thing that passed my lips, I couldn't wait to get home though to have something decent to eat :)
On sunday I spent the whole day helping my mate Dave move into his flat and then later in the afteroon we started to strip the floor. He has decided he wants a polished wooden floor and not carpets and as the boards were in pretty good nick we decided to do it ourselves., after pricing up the cost of hiring a floor sander we decided just to use a plane old hand sander and save some money...it is slow going but it is looking good...it is taking a lot of effort, but it is certainly making us sweat which has to be good in the exercise department.
On monday I took Dave shopping for house furnishings and stuff and I got one of the biggest shocks of my life...Dave wanted a big mirror so we wandered off to find one...As I have become so used to not looking in mirrors in the past I just glanced at the frames and avoided looking into them....isn't it funny how when you are overweight you can do that so easily:) Well after standing looking at a really nice one I did look into it and I just couldn't believe how slim I looked...My face must have shown the shock too, because Dave asked me what was wrong...I just said, do I really look like that, and he said yes, I've been telling you that for a while now, you just wouldn't believe it....I think the problem really is that at home I only have small mirrors so I have never really been able to see myself in full, the only time I do get to see that is when I see my reflection in shop windows and I look different in all of them, probably due to the different types of glass and the way they reflect things...It really was a shock to see exactly what other people see now when they look at me...a shock... yes, but a very nice one:),br> On Tuesday I ordered broadband internet connection which I am delighted about, it will mean I can go online at the same time as my son is online so I wont have to feel guilty for kicking him off anymore when I want to go online :) and I am sure he will be just as pleased. It will also make downloading things a whole lot faster.
On wednesday I bought myself a new computer desk, it came as self assembly and althought the instructions looked as thought they were written in chinese, I decided not to bother waiting for my hubby to get home from work to build it for me.....I went ahead and did it myself....It actually didn't take me very long at all and it looks really good.I have impressed myself :)
It also gave me a good excuse to rearrange my bedroom and get things into some sort of order, I had mirrors and things that I kept meaning to put onto the walls and just never got round to it, but I did it all, and now I have a very tidy looking bedroom, now I just need to work on my son to get him to do the same ...not a lot of chance I wouldn't think...he is a teenager after all :)
All the exercise of decorating and stripping floors this week as well as my workouts has paid off again with another great weightloss of 4lbs...I have been confident all week of it being another good loss. One thing I have noticed, over this past 2 weeks I have not been drinking as much water as I normally do. When I am working I normally get through about 3 - 4 litres a day, this past 2 weeks I will be lucky if I have managed 1 litre a day, and I have noticed that I am not waking up in the mornings with my fingers and feet all puffy, I am going to cut down my water to 2 litres a day next week when I am back at work and see if it is still the same...maybe I am drinking too much...Obviously I do drink more when I am exercising and I wont change that.
I am on a high again after this weigh in and I am really looking forward to the next week as regards my diet, but I am not looking forward to going back to work :)

Week 81: Saturday 7th September Weight =182lbs Weight Loss =0lbs

After another good weightloss last week, I started this week off in a great frame of mind. Saturday I was full of energy and spent it stripping floors again, I had to wait in for the cable guy to come and connect Dave up to broadband anyway.We gave ourselves a rest in the afternoon and spent it playing with the new high speed internet connection, downloading films and watching them.
Sunday I was again still full of energy and we took ourselves off shopping for the varnish for the floor, I spent the afternoon and evening laying the first two coats.....very energetic :)
Monday it was back to work:(....It was total chaos...after 2 weeks away the kids were all hyper and ran us ragged...I was glad to get home. Hubby....god bless him...had called me earlier and as he knew what a stressful day I was having had taken himself off shopping and bought me a meal for dinner...He told me it was a supermarket own brand...chicken in a creamy garlic, mushroom and peppercorn sauce and was only 423 calories per meal...as weightwatchers make one similar for just over 300 calories, I didn't think much about it...When I got home it was all ready for me and I just sat down and ate it...it was delicious, I did think there was quite a lot of it and it was very filling...it wasn't until I went to wash the dishes and I found the box and checked the calories myself I realised why....firstly it was meant to serve 2 people...secondly it was 423 calories per 100 gms not per meal...the meal was actually 475gms making a total of over 2000 calories for the whole meal. so when I added everything else up that I had eaten on monday my daily total came to over 3000 calories....I was devastated....I wasn't really angry at my hubby, he was just being thoughtful and trying to help...I was more annoyed at myself for not checking before I ate it.....It was a stupid mistake and one that could have been avoided if I had just checked myself...I know I was tired, but it wouldn't have taken 2 seconds to check the calories on the packet would it. Well there was no point brooding over it...what was done was done...I made a mistake and I learnt my lesson, it is one mistake I wont make again.
The rest of the week I had to cut down my calories to make up for it.
TOM arrived on Tuesday, which didn't help my mood, which as I'm sure you will understand was not particularly good after mondays events, and just to make matters worse, I hopped on the scales, another big mistake, they were showing a gain of 10lbs...All week I have been hopping on and off them and my weight has varied so much from staying the same to gaining 12lbs...I haven't really let it get me down though...although I made a mistake on monday, I worked out carefully how much I overate and I have easily managed to make up for that...so I knew that any gain in weight would not be down to that, but purely from fluid retention because of TOM

I had to make the decision to change my weigh in days too......As you all know I normally weigh in on a friday lunchtime...but as I am now working full time and it has got a lot busier I can't get away to be weighed on a friday anymore so it seems only sensible to change the day to saturday so that I can guarantee to be able to get weighed at the same time each week.
Again this week I weighed myself on friday morning before I went to work and the scales showed a gain of 1lb, however this was 6 hours earlier than my normal weigh in time and I wasn't wearing my normal clothes....Today is my first weigh in on a saturday and the scales say the same as last week...no loss...no gain.
I felt very guilty about changing my weigh in day...especially as yesterday I appeared to have gained a pound and today I have stayed the same....It's funny, but I expected to have gained weight because of TOM and I told myself that no matter what the scales said I would accept it...If they had shown a 2 - 3 lb gain I would have been quite happy to just accept it, but for some reason because they have stayed the same I feel almost as though I am cheating, changing my day to get a better weight...the thing is though it doesn't make any difference at all...it will only be this week that there would be any difference....from now on saturdays will be my regular day....does that make sense to anyone other than me? :)
Anyway this has been a week I am glad to see the back of, I am looking forward to next week...lets face it...it can only get better from here :)

Week 82: Saturday 14th September Weight =180lbs Weight Loss = 2lbs.....measurements 42.5/35/44

This has been a very boring week as far as the diet goes. I have had no major challenges apart from friday evening. and my work shifts for last week allowed me to get to the gym more than I have been able to in the past few weeks. That will all change from next week as I will now be working set hours. I will definitely have to start making time to go to the gym on my way home from work or get my hubby to set up all my gym equipment so that I can use it as soon as I get in from work...the problem I have been finding is that although I have everything I need at home, it is all in different rooms of the house because I haven't got the space to keep it all in one place and when I get home at night I am so tired I just can't be bothered to drag it all out and then do a full workout....I am pretty good in that I do some exercise every day, and I do vary it, so I am not just using the same equipment over and over again, but I don't usually do a full work out. I need to be more disciplined with myself...I know I always feel good after I have done a full workout.
On friday evening we had to go to my nieces engagement party. The party was being held about an hours drive away from home and we weren't leaving until 7.30pm. I was wearing a size 14 dress that was very figure hugging...I was terrified that if I ate before I went it would show all my bulges...lol. I knew that realistically I should eat something or I would be really tempted by the buffet food when I got there and make the evening pretty unenjoyable. I decided on having a salad and a chicken tikka kebab, which was surprisingly filling and when I came to put the dress on it looked perfect :)
I did well at the party, there was so much food and it all looked really good, but I stuck to a plate of salad which meant when I got home I still had enough calories left to have a sandwich, so I was really pleased with myself.
I have to admit to being nervous again about todays weigh in, not because I have done anything wrong, because I know I have been really good, it is the same nervous feeling I always get when I am close to getting into the next stone down range. last week having stayed the same at 13 stone ( 182lbs) and being so desperate to see the scales under that and into the 12 stones bracket especially as I am so close to my birthday and having set my target to be under 12 stone 10lbs for then, when I realised I wouldn't reach my final target. I am trying my hardest to reach this target.
Well this weeks weigh in showed a loss of 2lbs which keeps me still on track to reach my target. I also rechecked my measurements and today they were 42.5/35/44 another loss of 3.5 inches so I am very happy with how this week has gone.
I have another party to go to today which shouldn't be as much of a challenge as the one last night as it is only at my sister in laws house about 5 minutes away from mine, so if I do get really hungry or tempted, I can always nip home and get myself something to eat which won't damage my diet :)

Week 83: Saturday 21st September Weight =179lbs Weight Loss = 1lb

This has been another pretty uneventful week...I have come home from work every evening with the intention of writing up my journal only to find that nothing at all has happened and I had nothing to tell you all....My eating has gone well and my exercise has been normal...I did plan on doing a bit more than usual to try to help the weight loss to reach my birthday target, but I just haven't managed to fit any more in than usual.
The other party that I told you I had to go to last saturday which wasn't going to be as much of a challenge, turned out to be a bbq....as I hadn't eaten dinner before we left I weighed out some chicken and I had a chicken and vegetable kebab, a bread roll and a huge plate of salad...Everyone was totally surprised to see me eating something for a change...I'm sure most people think I never eat...if only they saw what I eat when I am at home they would never believe I could eat so much and still lose weight :)
A few weeks ago my hubby asked me what I would like to do for my birthday...I have always dreamed of having a big party for my 40th and this year it would have meant more to me than it has done in the past because this year there is a new me to show off...Unfortunately money is very tight at the moment and I knew we couldn't afford that, so I thought the next best thing would be to go to the local pub and meet everyone in there, that way we wouldn't be paying for evewrything but I would still get the chance to see all my old friends...Hubby seemed ok with that suggestion, but then on wednesday, my sister let it slip that I wasn't going to the pub, it sounds as though they have booked a restaurant for a family meal...which is the last thing on earth I want...it may sound petty, but I really don't want to go for a meal...even before I started this diet I was never big on going out to eat...and now I don't want to ruin my diet...not even for one day even though it is my birthday.
The second reason is that I really wanted to see some of my old friends...I want to be able to wander around the pub and chat to anyone and everyone...not be sat at a table eating with just the family.....nothing against the family...but I wanted this birthday to be special and something I would enjoy...sitting in a restaurant...I know I just wouldn't enjoy.
If I say anything, I know that everyones response will be oh just forget your diet for one day...its your birthday, your only 40 once...you've done fantastic you can give yourself one day off.etc.etc.etc. Yes I could do that, but no one seems to understand just how important it is to me to reach my goal....my present to myself is reaching that goal and I want to reach it as soon as possible...I wont be truely happy until I do reach it...If I give myself the day off for my birthday and then a week later at my weigh in if I have gained weight I will be depressed . I will regret giving myself the day off and in the future all I will remember about my 40th birthday would be how miserable I was and that isn't something I want to happen.
I do realise that I am perfectly capable of making the right choice and not over eating and maybe wouldn't ruin my diet at all...but the main thing is I would still be watching what I ate and that wouldn't make for a very enjoyable evening....as I said, sitting around a table eating just wasn't what I wanted for my special 40th birthday celebrations to be.
Now after saying that I know exactly what is going to happen...I will say nothing, just go along with what everyone else wants to do and just pretend I am enjoying it and having fun...just like I have always done, year after year, just to keep everyone else happy.
Also I don't want them to think I am not grateful...they probably think they are doing something really nice, because that is the sort of thing they would enjoy...none of them really have a weight problem and none of them really understand just how important and how difficult this has been for me, so how could they possibly understand my reasons for not wanting to go for a meal. I have been so depressed over the whole thing I keep bursting into tears...my sister knows there is something wrong...but she seems to be the one arranging it all and is obviously very excited about it...I just didn't have the heart to tell her that it isn't what I want.
I am really upset about the whole thing, surprisingly I am more upset than I thought I would be....I have a feeling TOM may be about to make an appearance yet again... it is still arriving about every 16 days the doctor said that was quite normal and it is just because this new contraception can take up to 12 months to fully settle in and not to worry about it and I think that may be why I am feeling so miserable ...I am definitely having a.... woe is me few days.
Weigh in was another loss of 1lb which should have pleased me, but as usual when I am approaching a target I get disappointed if the losses are only small, I shouldn't I know because any loss is a good loss, so I have pulled myself together now and I am pleased at having a loss.
When I started this diet I always dreamed of reaching this stage, but no matter how I tried I could never really get a clear picture of how I would look and feel, I am now trying to imagine what I will look and feel like when I reach my final goal, that is only 25lbs away now, and like before I still can't get a clear image of that either, but I am excited....I feel great now....I can't wait to see what it will feel like then. :)

Week 84: Saturday 28th September Weight =176lbs Weight Loss = 3lbs

I had a very miserable weekend last weekend over the plans for my birthday celebrations and I decided on monday I was going to tell my sister that what they had all planned for me really wasn't what I wanted...I was going to tell her before I left work in the evening, but it was quiet in the morning so I told her then...as I expected she wasn't very happy and I felt really aweful for hurting her feelings and making her feel that all the effort she had put in wasn't appreciated, which it was, but it just wasn't what I wanted...I wanted this birthday to be special and something I would always remember, I didn't want to remember it for the wrong reasons...doing something I didn't want to do and being totally miserable about it.....10 minutes after I told her, the restaurant telephoned to say they couldn't fit us in after all...apparently my sister had telephoned them to add to the number of people who would be going and they simply didn't have the space to cater for us all...I felt even worse then...if I had just waited to say anything until the evening like I was going to I wouldn't have needed to say anything and I wouldn't have upset anyone....It has all turned out allright in the end...we are now doing exactly what I wanted to do in the first place and I can't wait for this evening now :)
On friday I had to visit the dentist...I had a filling a couple of months ago and when he filled it he said there was a tiny nerve exposure and if I had any trouble with it I needed to go back to see him...well I didn't really have any pain with it after the anaesthetic wore off, it was just sensitive to the cold, I called him and asked what I should do and he said just wait and see if it settled down if it got any worse, then to go back...well it hadn't really got any worse but it wasn't getting any better either...my hubby had an appointment a couple of weeks ago and he told him how it was doing, but he said he didn't think it was going to settle down after this length of time so I needed to go back and let him take another look. He has put a dressing in it for now which will hopefully settle down the sensitivity, but I have to go back and have the nerve removed...sounds pleasant doesn't it :)...well I've had it done before and it isn't that bad so I'm not worried about it...I just hope the dressing does settle it down and I don't end up with toothache on my birthday :)
saturday arrived and my tooth was fine :) I know I am prattling on here and all you really want to know is ...Did I reach my birthday target?
Well there is one very happy little bunny sitting here typing up this journal....not only did I reach it...I passed it :) I needed to lose 1lb to reach it but when I jumped on the scale I had lost 3lbs. I am absolutely over the moon. I have worked hard on the exercise this past week and I was confident I would make it, but I didn't expect to have as good a loss as this.
Tomorrow I am 40 and I will not be fat and 40...I am still overweight, but I am not that fat anymore and this year in my 40th year I will reach my goal weight I will achieve my dream of feeling what it is like to have a normal sized body. This may look as though I am coming to the end of the long journey, which I am, but there is a new journey waiting for me to start and that is one of a new life...I feel like the caterpillar that is hatching inside its cocoon, not much longer now and I will be breaking free.
I am just so happy right now I find it difficult to put into words. And I am looking forward to my birthday celebrations later today...Hopefully I will be able to get lots of photographs taken so I can post them in my gallery for you all to see.
I have also just realised that I have now lost more weight than I actually weigh...I now weigh 176lbs and in total I have lost 178lbs...I am totally amazed :)

Week 85: Saturday 5th October Weight =178lbs Weight Gain = 2lbs

My birthday party was fantastic, I really enjoyed myself. I was pretty confident that I didn't overeat too much...I had cut down my calories for 3 days before the party and also for 2 days after it, just to make sure....Apart from the birthday cake that my husband made of which I had 2 small slices, I didn't really eat anything over my calorie allowance...however the cake itself must have had about a million calories in it. my hubby said he was looking through all the cookery books he could find to find a low calorie cake, but couldn't find anything he liked so he thought ...Oh what the heck...she wont eat any of it anyway so I may as well just make one that everyone else will enjoy. Well after the meal at the pub, we all went back to my sisters house to continue the party and that was where they brought out the cake...I knew by this time that I hadn't gone over my allowance for the day so I decided that as I had calories in hand I would treat myself to a slice of cake, the first slice was just so good I couldn't resist having another one....I decided to cut down my calories the day after the party as well just to be on the safe side...it turned out I cut down the day after that as well, although that wasn't intentional...when I was adding up my daily total I miscalculated and thought I had eaten 200 calories more than I actually had...Maths isn't my strong point...I normally use a calculator to avoid doing that but this time my son had borrowed it and I couldn't be bothered to go searching his room to find it....his room is a mess and it scares me ...I'm sure one of these days something nasty is going to creep out from under all the rubbish in there and get me :)
I got lots of nice presents. my favourites were a digital camera from my hubby and son, a 1.8 Gig processor for my computer from my friend Dave and a new mobile Phone from my mum and dad and brothers and sister.
All week I have been checking the scale to see how things were going after the party and up to yesterday they said the same as last weeks weigh in, so I was really pleased...then suddenly yesterday there was a massive gain of 9lbs...I felt really bloated and had all the telltale signs of TOM...I think I knew it was due this week, I had just forgotten...maybe it was because I was just feeling so happy at reaching my birthday goal I didn't want to spoil the feeling by thinking about TOM. Well it made an ppearance this morning, so this weeks weigh in is very disappointing with a gain of 2lbs...but at least that is better than the 9lbs that the scales were showing yesterday...I think I would have been suicidal if I had to show a gain of 9lbs even though I know the reason. Well I think I do...obviously TOM is playing a big part in that gain, the other thing I did think about was did I over compensate for my birthday and not eat enough...I really could have done with TOM staying away for another week just so I would have a better idea. But there is no point dwelling on it. Of course I am disappointed about having a gain, but I am not depressed. I am right back on track, though I have to admit, I don't really feel as though I have been off track at all...I did find it difficult yesterday to stay within my calorie allowance, because I just felt so hungry all day, but that is normal during TOM...no matter how much I eat I still feel hungry....I ended up going to bed early so that I wouldn't eat something I wasn't supposed to eat.
This is the start of another week and I am still feeling very positive, even after having a gain I can still see how close that final goal is and I am now going to have my first of this weeks workouts.

Week 86: Saturday 12th OctoberWeight =178lbs Weight Loss =0lbs

This has been a pretty dreadful week...TOM arrived last saturday and has caused me a lot of problems this month...it now seems to have gone back to its regular routine of just once a month instead of every 2 weeks like it has been over the past few months...The one thing I noticed when it was arriving so often was that I didn't get as much pain and I also didn't feel quite as bloated as normal...I did still feel bloated and have the stomach cramps, they just weren't quite as bad....well this week I got a sharp reminder of what I had been missing....my weight has been way up over the course of the week, at one point the scales showed a gain of 26lbs and that was overnight....I didn't panic though...I have stuck really well with my eating and although I have had some of the most horrendous stomach cramps I still got up early in the morning and did a workout before I left for work, so I knew I hadn't done anything wrong and that the weight gain was entirely due to TOM.
TOM is still here today and although the scale shows my weight as the same as last week, after watching how much it has gone up over the past week I should be grateful for that...which of course I am, but I am also disappointed that I am still the same....Oh well...next week should be better, I'm just going to hang in there.
I went shopping this morning and bought myself a new top and trousers....They were both size 16's...the top looked extremely tiny, and I didn't think it was going to fit...but it did...it looks lovelly on...the trousers however didn't fit...they were too big :) :)....I did wear them this afternoon because I bought them to go to my nieces birthday party in, but I wont really be able to wear them again, they were just so uncomfortable because they were so big I was constantly having to pull them up. I am going to have to take them back sometime in the week and change them for a smaller size :)....gosh... it feels so good to be able to say that :)
Well that is the end of another week...not a week I have enjoyed, but at least it is behind me now...onwards and downwards now for the coming week ahead :)

Week 87: Saturday 19th October Weight =175lbs Weight Loss = 3lbs

After the disappointing weigh in last week, I was really cheered up by those trousers being too big, but I was a little disappointed that I was having to take them back, more disappointed that I had to wait until wednesday to do it, rather than the fact I was having to do it. As ever I am impatient, and I just wanted to have a size 14 pair of trousers that fit me hanging in my wardrobe.:)Well wednesday finally arrived and I got them changed, the size 14's fit really nicely and it is such a thrill to have them and be able to wear them.
This week I have disciplined myself well again to get up earlier than usual and do my workout before I leave for work....I know if I don't do it then I probably wont do it when I get home either...I am like most people and I can find an excuse not to do something if I don't feel like it, but this is something I know I have to do if I want to reach my target weight as quickly as possible...the thing is I really do enjoy it once I get started and it isn't really any great hardship.
Apart from the excitement of taking the trousers back, the rest of the week has been pretty uneventful...haven't had time to do much else other than work and sleep.
Weigh in was another good one showing a loss of 3lbs this week, so my hard work and effort at getting up early and working out has paid off. Now to keep it up for the coming week.

Week 88: Saturday 26th October Weight =175lbs Weight Loss = 0lbs

Once again last week was quite an uneventful week. The eating went well and up until thursday so did the exercising. On thursday morning however, I woke up with the cold from hell!!! It was a real effort just to drag myself out of bed to go to work.
Todays weigh in was very disappointing, I stayed the same weight as last week. I thought very long and hard about all the changes I have made and the differences in me since I started, that always cheers me up.
I know I have said this many times before...but it is the little things that make all the difference and which mean such a lot. it is also quite surprising just how quickly you get used to the changes. I now have to make myself remember what I was like before and how things used to be. For instance I have just noticed how big a double bed really is. Now I can roll over and still have plenty of room without bumping my husband and pushing him to the edge of the bed all the time. Some nights it feels like I am in the bed on my own because there is so much space. I actually lay in bed the other night just looking at how far away he seemed to be, that was something I couldn't do before, we were always squashed so close together, and he was always perched on the edge...he still complains that eventhough I have lost all this weight and there is now so much room he still has to perch on the edge because I want all the bed and the duvet :) Well I do like my comfort :)
I also find I enjoy driving much more than I used to, I always used to hate it...I never felt comfortable. I think the main reason for that was because being so overweight, the seat belt and the steering wheel were always digging in and I found it difficult to move round properly to look out of my side window to see if there was anything coming up alongside me...Now I find it much easier so I am more relaxed which makes it more pleasurable instead of a chore that I dreaded.
I still find it strange when I feel my bones through my skin...After living for so long never knowing they existed...well I knew they were there under all that flab, but now I can actually see them, especially my collar bones and hip bones, it feels so wierd to look at myself and see them. It really does take some getting used to looking at the new me. But I am loving the feeling and the new look me.
I have to expect the weight loss to slow down now that I am so close to my final target and I will find I have a lot more weeks where my weight stays the same...It may still take me a while to reach that final goal, but I know that I am looking so much better now and I see this last stretch as just making the final adjustments to my new fit healthy body...So with that in mind I keep telling myself just that which keeps me focused and on track.
I have spent 40 years living in a body I hated, I can now look forward to living the rest of my life in a body I am happy with

Week 89: Saturday 2nd November Weight =175lbs Weight Loss = 0lbs

This week started off really badly, the cold that started last thursday really took a hold on saturday and it completely floored me, needless to say I have done no exercise at all.
I dragged myself out of bed and went to work on Monday, but I was so bad by lunchtime my sister sent me home and I spent the rest of the day and evening in bed. I thought I was feeling better on tuesday and although it was still an effort to get out of bed, I did and took myself off to work again, by 11 o/clock I was feeling totally washed out, I had no energy at all and my sister sent me home again. Between saturday and Tuesday I ate ahrdly anything at all, which I know was not a good thing, but I just couldn't face the thought of food.
I checked my weight on tuesday evening and the scales were showing an increase of 4lbs...proving that under eating is just as bad as over eating.On wednesday I was much better tho still feeling quite weak, but my appetite had returned and I ate properly again, the only problem I had then was the fact that I am still very bunged up and I can't smell or taste anything....The one thing I did notice by that was that I did actually feel my stomach filling when I ate, I thought I had learnt the feeling of when I was full, but it was only when I couldn't taste or smell the food that I realised the feeling I had before was different, the only way to describe it really is that I think when I tasted the food and felt full, it was really only my craving for the taste that was satisfied...when I found I couldn't taste it, I ate because I had to and stopped when I felt I had enough, knowing I was full...I don't know if that will make any sense to anyone other than me :)
Thursday was a great day, we had a halloween party for the kids which was just fantastic the kids seemed to enjoy it as much as we did. I was still all bunged up from the cold but was feeling much better...except I couldn't smell or taste anything....For the first time ever I really took notice when I started to feel hungry...although I couldn't taste anything I ate, I was still hungry and I ate because I knew I needed to...I noticed that I could actually feel my stomach filling..this was something I thought I had noticed before but after the feeling I got on thursday I know it wasn't the same feeling....maybe it was phsycological I don't know, but as I couldn't taste the food, I wasn't eating it because I was enjoying the flavour, I was eating it purely and simply because I needed the calories and I needed to satisfy my hunger...this made it easier to stop eating when I knew I was full...if only food was tasteless it would make losing weight so much easier.I Didn't have any problems resisting all those goodies at the party either, I didn't get hungry, probably because I couldn't smell anything, I'm sure if I could things may have been a bit different.
Well friday was a good day...after months now of constantly walking round with my left hand clenched into a fist so that my wedding engaement and eternity rings rings don't fall off, I decided it was about time to get them made smaller. with only another 21lbs to go to reach my final goal I figured that I wouldn't be losing much more off my fingers so now would be a good time to get them done. My wedding ring has had to be made 10 sizes smaller and my engagement ring and eternity ring have been made 9 sizes smaller...they look so tiny now, they look like kids rings.
Speaking of kids...I absolutely love whinnie the pooh...my sister bought my niece some whinnie the pooh pyjamas for her birthday today which are absolutely gorgeous. well I wanted some too, but they only had kids sizes...I tried the ones on that my sister had bought and they fit perfectly so I went out and bought myself some yesterday...I am sure it is just because they are baggy that the kids sizes fit, but apart from the thrill of buying from the kiddies section there is also the added bonus of them being a lot cheaper :)
It was pouring down when I was in town shopping yesterday and I got soaked to the skin, I don't think that will have helped this cold much, even though I am feeling a lot better, I still can't smell or taste anything and I am fed up with that, it was a novelty for a couple of days just eating and feeling the different sensations of eating and getting full, but now I am starting to miss the taste of my food...I am not actually craving anything, just the taste of something would be nice now.
well another day and another week over, I can't believe how quickly weigh in day has come around again. I wasn't very hopeful of a loss this week as I know I have under eaten almost every day, which is not a good thing at all, but I am not being too hard on myself, I have felt lousy this week and I would much rather under eat than over eat at least I know it will be easier to make up the calories when I feel better than it would be to cut back if I had eaten too much.

Week 90: Saturday 9th November Weight =175lbs Weight Loss = 0lbs

Well my week started off really well...when I got up on saturday I noticed I was covered in spots all over my legs and body...can you believe it...I get to 40 years old and then catch chicken pox...I feel like a kid again, especially as I'm wearing my kiddies pyjamas :)
Why is it when on a weekend when I could stay in bed as late as I want I always wake up at the time I normally get up for work and no matter how hard I try I just cannot get back to sleep...I usually end up getting up and getting my workout done....However, come monday morning, the alarm clock starts singing in my ears, my eyelids feel like they are glued to my eyeballs and my brain seems to be speaking a foreign language when it tells my muscles and bones to drag my body out of bed, because they just don't seem to understand the command. This monday was no different, if I must have hit the snooze button on my alarm over 6 times before I was finally able to get out of bed...I'm sure I was half way to work before I was fully awake...not really a good idea when I was driving :) If I was doing my workout as normal I would have been fully awake, but as I am not fit enough yet to do it I used it as an excuse to grab the extra few minutes in bed.
It wasn't a bad day at all, work was not too bad, just a nice steady pace all day, not too quiet and not too busy. I was amazed on my way home looking at the amount of houses that have already got all their christmas decorations up. there is one house in particular that has had them up since 14th october...I know I enjoy christmas and I can't wait to start decorating my house and get the tree up, but I never do it any earlier than 2 weeks before christmas....I would be fed up with it if I did it any sooner...what are these people thinking...for goodness sakes, we haven't even had bonfire night yet
I was definitely feeling much better on monday than I have been over the past week and I am really starting to miss my workouts, but I know I would be silly to do any before I am completely fit again, I just feel like my routine is all messed up at the moment, but I will cope.
I still find it amazing that I am enjoying the exercise as much as ever. At first I thought it was just a novelty because I was doing something that I wasn't capable of doing before, but now I know it is because I really enjoy it...I love the feeling of exhillaration I get when I have pushed myself and really worked up a sweat.I love the feeling it gives you for hours after...so full of energy and that is one of the reasons I like to get up early and get it done...it startes me off well to face the day .
I'm having to make do with cleaning my house instead of working out...if it doesn't move I clean it.....the dog is constantly running around I think she knows if she sits still too long she will find herself in the bath. :)
Woke up Tuesday morning before my alarm clock went off, got myself up, made the obligatory coffee and set up my equipment for a workout. I decided to give the stepper machine a miss until the evening and I only did 15 minutes of weights just to see how I felt.
It didn't take too much out of me at all and I felt I could have done more, but decided against it. I think we all know it is always later when we start to realise we did too much, so after 15 minutes I stopped and decided if I still felt ok in the evening when I got home from work I would hit the stepper machine and bike and maybe add a few more weights for good measure.
I have to say I loved the workout, I have really missed being able to do anything, especially after the past couple of days when I have been feeling better.
I have had to find other ways to occupy my time . Monday night I decided to bring my webpage message board into the christmas mood and I have put my new christmas skin on there....it isn't finished yet...I think the santas that I put on may be a bit too big, but I will have a play around with it again another time and see if I can figure out how to make them a little smaller. Well I may... I can't make up my mind if I like them as they are :)
I really do enjoy playing around with things like that...before I built my webpage I had no idea about how to make them...html language was completely foreign to me, but I have learnt by trial and error as I have gone along and I am now pretty confident that I can do things on my page without making a complete hash of it.
Tuesday, as I said I would I got up and did a short workout...my first since being so sick...I felt ok after the weights and stomach crunches, but decided not to push it and just leave the stepper and bike until I got home in the evening...if I still felt ok then I would do it...well I got home and did feel ok so I just did 10 minutes on each. After the 10 minutes I was starting to really feel it so decided that was enough for the day, I didn't want to overdo it...wednesday morning I was a little sore, but not too bad, it may sound funny but I do actually like to feel a little sore after a days working out, I'm not into pain or anything like that, it's just that after a good workout if I can feel a little tenderness in any muscle I know I have worked it properly.
I am very surprised by the amount of people who really do have food issues...we tend to look at only the fat people to think they are the only ones that do, but that isn't the case...just because people are slim and look good, it doesn't always mean they don't have food issues, they just have to work a little harder to stay looking the way they do.
I have one lady in particular who writes to me quite regularly, because she gets really depressed by the fact that she constantly goes on food binges and can gain up to 15lbs in a couple of days with what she eats, then has to control it and eat sensible to get rid of it again, this lady has never been really overweight, I think she said the most has been 15lbs which was after one of her binges, but she has a difficult time controlling those binges and then getting back to her normal weight. Although she gains weight she never looks very much different and if you saw her walking down the street you would think she looked fantastic and would probably describe her as one who didn't have a food issue, you couldn't be more wrong. I recognise that I have food issues and even when I reach my goal I will still have them, but now I like to think I have learnt how to deal with them and be in control.
Isn't it strange how we judge people on how the look without knowing them.
I watched a film called Shallow Hal the other night.. I was told it really made fat people and disabled people a laughing stock and the butt of all jokes, but to be honest when I watched the film I saw myself when I started this journey...I could identify completely with how fat people were treated and it really saddened me. I can see now how much differently people treat me now to how they did before.
In my lunch hour I had to take a pair of panties back to the store that I bought on saturday because they were too big...I bought a pair of size 16's but had to change them for a size 12...I am not a size 12, but they are made of stretchy lace and the 12's were the best fit....I felt fantastic coming out of the store with a pair of size 12's I had to put them on when I got back to work...I wanted to walk round all day with the label sticking out of my pants so everyone could see the size tag.
My sister and my nieces kept laughing at me coz every 5 minutes I would pull the tag out of the back and show it to them....I know I am not a size 12 and that it is only because the material is stretchy, but when I started this journey, no matter how stretchy the material on a size 12's was I would never even have been able to get one leg in never mind be able to wear them.
The rest of wednesday was pretty good and fairly quiet. I spent the morning painting a huge santa for the kids to hang on the wall and in the afternoon I went to do the shopping for their food for the rest of the week.
The evening I spent cooking for myself. filling my freezer with lots of my favourite low calorie meals. Now all I have to do in an evening is prepare my vegetables and grab a meal from the freezer to have with them....leaves me plenty of time to do a few exercises while it is cooking.
Actually for any of you that play online games...I am an addict of Asherons Call and as I am getting up early in a morning and doing my workout then I will more than likely be sat at my computer having a quick blast on Asherons Call than doing any more exercise
Thursday morning I woke up bright and early , looked out of the window....what a dismal looking day...dark,wet, misty and windy...so whats new for here? :)
Actually I love these dark winter mornings, and I love it when it snows not rains. sitting in front of a nice warm fire looking out over the hilltops...I have a great view from my lounge window. Only problem with that little picture is that when reality hits, I then realise I have to go out and drive to work. Now that is a different story...I hate driving in the snow.I am never feel like I am in control when the car slides even just a little.
However this year for the first year as christmas approaches fast I know I am in control of my weight. I am slimmer than I can ever remember being. Many of you will already know, but my first memory of getting on the scale was when I was 15 years old and I weighed in at around 210lbs at last weeks weigh in I was 175lbs and by christmas day I Will weigh even less.
I am looking forward to having the best christmas ever. For years I have declined many offers to go to parties at christmas because I was just way too embarrassed about my size...I could never find clothes that were nice and would always feel out of place. I was totally uncomfortable in strangers company...constantly thinking they would all be looking at me and laughing at me, but also looking at my husband and feeling sorry for him because he was with someone who looked as bad as I did.
Oh boy!!! is this year going to be sooooo different. This year I am going to be the party animal....I am already looking for that stunning little dress...aint gonna buy it just yet coz I am really hoping to be able to buy it in a size 12 or 14 so I am going to leave it until the very last minute. That will be one thing I wont mind rushing around for on christmas eve
Did my workout again thursday morning and I have to say that although I still haven't done a complete one I felt ok again, I am only 5 minutes short of being back to myself but I don't intend to start back to normal until monday.
I was a busy little thing thursday morning. Veggies already prepared for the evening, lunches made for the day, work out done and even answering my emails...just as well really coz in the evening I have to go into school for parents evening to see my sons teachers....thatshould be fun :)
TOM arrived during wednesday night so I was feeling a little delicate to say the least thursday morning, so I felt proud of myself for getting on and doing everything I did, especially the workout.
Fridays is usually my favourite day of the week I only work half a day and I have the afternoon all to myself...well not this friday...I had to go to the dentist to have the nerve taken out of one of my teeth...yuk!!!!
I have to admit I am not worried about going to the dentist or having any treatment...I just hate that numb feeling after the anaesthetic...I knew the tooth was going to be sore that evening...and I was right...it was...It wasn't agony, there was just a dull ache there but it was quite painful if I touched it......but I will survive, I am sure it will be much better pretty soon. It sure made eating a bit painful last night, it took me ages to get through my meal...but I managed. there isn't much that stops me from eating.:)
I was really looking forward to my weigh in until TOM arrived. I tried to prepare for another disappointment...did it work?...no of course it didn't...Once again I have stayed the same as last week... . At least this time I know the reason, but it still never makes it any easier.I should be happy that I have not gained anything, but as always I am never satisfied :)
last night I wrote my christmas shopping list out in full later this afternoon I am going into town to try and get as much of it as I can. For once I am going to be ready well before christmas.

Week 91: Saturday 16th November Weight =170lbs Weight Loss = 5lbs

As TOM had arrived and my weight had stayed the same again last week, I knew not gaining anything was a good weigh in really, but I still let myself get really depressed about it.
I took myself into town armed with a list of all the people I needed to buy christmas presents for in an attempt to cheer myself up, but my heart just wasn't in it. I was bored and miserable and even though I must have gone into almost every single shop in town, I came home with just one present.
In the evening we went to a bonfire and fireworks party at my sister in laws house. I have a small oven for baking potatoes that we bought when we owned a pub and we took that with us. I love potatoes baked in that, they taste so much nicer. I took myself a salad and I ate that with a potato while everyone else tucked into chilli, black peas and curry. I didn't feel at all deprived. I think my mood of depression at staying the same weight again helped me to resist the temptaion.
When we set of to go to the party I suddenly realised that we would be outside in the cold all night and I now don't have a warm coat for the winter. I have lots of little jackets but they are all thin and not very warm. I ended up wearing my old size 20 coat which has a detatchable scarf...I used the scarf to tie around my waist and hold the coat in place. I must have looked like an old tramp, but at least I was warm.
My mum said how much she liked my coat and that it was obviously far too big for me now. She tried it on and it fit her really nicely so I gave it to her.
I was then coatless. My sister in law let me borrow her leather jacket until it was time for us to leave. The jacket was a lovelly fit and I couldn't believe it when I looked at the size label and it said a size 10.
Now obviously I know I am not a size 10 and it must have just been a big size 10...I actually made that comment. My hubby snapped at me and said " you really need to stop doing that"
When I asked him what he meant, he said that whenever it put something on that I don't think will fit me and it does, I always say well it must be the way it is cut which makes it bigger and that I should just wear things that fit nicely and look good and not get hung up on what the size label says.
I suppose in one way he is right, but I do need to know what size I actually am so that I have a rough idea of what size clothes to buy...its all very well going out and fitting into a size 10 jacket, but if I automatically think that makes me a size 10 and I just go out and buy size 10's I am going to end up with a wardrobe full of clothes that are just way too small. I am one of those people that still hates to try things on in the shops, probably because of all the years that I just haven't been able to find anything to fit me and even when I went into shops that cater for the larger lady even though I knew the clothes I was trying on there would more than likely fit, I still knew how bad I looked wearing them so I still bought them and tried them on at home. Now I do it because I suppose I am still worried that I woiuld take in a size that is too small and need to ask for a larger size. So far the only things I have had to take back have been things that are too big and I have had to exchange them for smaller sizes...that is still a big thrill. :)
I did buy myself a pair of jeans on saturday that were a size 12...I knew they would be too small, but I bought them deliberately that way. I have nothing in my wardrobe anymore that is too small and I bought these as something to aim for to get into...apart from getting to my goal weight of 154lbs, it is also my goal to be a size 12...so they are a good way to motivate me to hurry up and reach that final target.
I wasn't looking forward to going to work on Monday morning. We have one particular baby who is 11 months old that screams constantly if he isn't carried around on your hip. His mother never puts him down at all, even when she needs to use the bathroom she takes him with her....Obviously it isn't his fault, it is just what he is used to, but as we have so many other children to care for, we can't do that for him, plus it isn't good for him, he will have to learn to play with the other children and they toys available. We had been making good progress with him, but unfortunately he has been away on holiday for the past two weeks and monday was his first day back. As we expected, he was back to square one...all the hard work we had put in seemed to have been for nothing, this week has been a very long nosiy and tiring one because of him.
On Tuesday I went shopping again in my lunch hour...I didn't really need to buy anything, I just really needed a break from work. I normally have a real christmas tree, but while I was out I spotted one that looked so life like that I bought it and I also bought another christmas present...well at least I have made a start :)
In the evening we went up to my sister in laws again, it was her birthday and we were supposed to go to watch the Lord Of The Rings DVD...I have already seen it over 5 times but I didn't mind watching it again because I love the film. When we got there she was on the phone, by the time the movie was put on. I was fast asleep.
The next thing I remember was my hubby waking me up to take me home...now normally once I have been woken up I can't get back to sleep again especially if I have gone out into the fresh air, but when we got home I had a coffee and went straight up to bed...hubby came up less than 5 minutes after me and he said I was already dead to the world again...I was in bed and asleep before 11.30pm and I still found it difficult to get up in the morning for work. I must have been really tired.
Wednesday wasn't such a bad day, it was a nice steady pace all day, not too busy, not too quiet...the only hard thing was ourt little screamer, though he wasn't quite as bad as he had been on monday and tuesday.
Wednesday evening my brother in law brought my potato oven back, we meant to bring it when we went up on tuesday, but with me falling asleep we forgot it...I have missed being able to have my usual baked potato for tea each night so I was glad to have it back and of course had a lovelly baked potato for tea on wednesday after having to wait for 3 days to have one it tasted so much nicer :)
I couldn't wait for friday to arrive because my tooth was sore.It wasn't agony really only when I ate and caught it, I should really have called the dentist and gone back before friday, but like a fool I just kept hanging on and hanging on, one reason was because I hate to bother the dentist when I know he is so busy and there are probably people in more pain and need an emergency appointment more than I do, and the other reason, we have been so busy at work I couldn't really take any time off during the day to go.It has made sticking to my eating plan very easy tho I have opted for soft things so that I am not in any danger of something hard hitting it.
I was really looking forward to todays weigh in, which always makes me feel a little nervous....for some reason whenever I know I have done really well and expect a loss I am always disappointed. this week I have been really good with my eating and exercise and I felt certain I should have a loss, but then again, I have thought that for the past 4 weeks and I have stayed the same. I know I can't do any more than I am already doing. I had no need to worry tho....Whooohooo!!! I am back with the losers again.
Thanks to everyone who emailed me wishing me luck with this weeks weigh in...it is a fantastic feeling to know that you are all there supporting me, I think that probably has a lot to do with why I get so nervous on weigh in days, I never want to disappoint you all by having to report a static weight or a gain, but that is a good thing, it keeps me on my toes and keeps me motivated
I told you I had worked hard this week and the scales agreed a loss of 5lbs. Have to admit tho I did work hard the week before and TOM arrived to spoil the party so I am sure some of this weeks loss was probably from last week I just didn't see it then because of TOM. But I am thrilled to bits to see a loss again.
My mate works in a clothes store and reserved me a pair of calvin klein jeans today he will be bringing them home for me tomorrow. so hopefully I will be having those to celebrate my good loss. well I will be having them anyway its just wether they will fit just now or not. Only a size 14 but everyone says calvin Kleins are a small fit...have to wait and see tomorrow.
I never know what size to put down on here because I know our sizes here in the UK are different from the US, but for those of you in the US the sizes I put down are our sizes and the difference is a UK size 14 is the equivalent of a US size 12 or so I have been told.:)
Only 16lbs to go to target now...I can't believe it.Today I am one very happy little bunny :) and I am really looking forward to getting on with the next week to keep this weight coming off fast :)

Week 92: Saturday 23rd November Weight =170lbs Weight Loss = 0lbs

I couldn't believe I had lost so much weight last week, but then I started thinking about it. Over the past 4 weeks I have been really good, I have worked out more often than I normally do apart from when I was sick, but I have worked harder since I was sick to make up for that,and then the week before last it was TOM. so I guess really that 5lb loss is a little bit from each of those weeks and not just from last week. But boy it was sure nice to see such a huge loss in one go. I was on a high all day on saturday, in fact I still was for most of this week.
Who would have thought 19 months ago, that I would be sitting here now just 16lbs away from my final goal. I wasn't really surprised that I had stayed the same again this week after having such a good loss last week, but I was a little disappointed, especially as I did so much exercise and my eating went really well.
At work we have been looking after a baby for the past 3 weeks who normally goes to his grans, but she has been in hospital so we have had him. It was his last day on friday and his mum bought me and my sister a box of chocolates each to say thank you. Normally I would have given them straight to my hubby and son, but as it is coming up to christmas I decided I would keep them for myself...I have a santa advent calendar made out of material that has 25 little pockets on the front of it and I have put one chocolate in each of the pockets. the calories are 48 calories per chocolate, so I know I can have one every day and work it into my allowance. Mark and baz got what was left out of the box, but I made sure I got all my favourite ones first :)
only 4 more weeks to christmas and 16lbs left to lose I know I am not going to make it now, but I should be really close...I am just so happy now and looking forward to christmas so much. Money is still a bit tight, especially as we have just got 2 quite large bills in and on saturday afternoon my vaccuum cleaner blew up, but I have managed to put a bit aside for christmas presents so I am not as stressed about that as I have been for the past few years.
We went to the theatre last friday to watch The Hobbit and while we were there we noticed that in march they are doing the Rocky Horror Picture Show...I love that film and I have always wanted to go to the theatre to see it because everyone goes dressed up like they are in the film...you know basque and stockings....we are definitely booking tickets to go and see it and by March I will be very happy to go dressed appropriately....something I am really looking forward to doing...yet another dream finally coming true....why oh why has it taken me so long to take control of myself....something I will probably never really know the answer to, but I have now and I feel like I am really starting to live my life instead of just watching it pass by.
Well the Calvin Klein jeans didn't fit, I can get in them but they are just way too tight to wear at them moment. that is something to aim for and I am going to do my best to be wearing them on christmas day:)
Wednesday was simply a horrible day. Well it started off ok. I got up before my alarm clock went off, did a full work out and toddled off to work quite happy. work was not too bad but I was ready to go home at the end of the day...I wish I hadn't.
My son has been off school this past week sick, and when I got in he was sitting with a blank TV screen. He said the TV channels stopped working at about 3pm.we have had this problem in the past and normally just needed to reset the cable box, so I did that but it didn't work...I went to phone the TV cable company and discovered the telephone wasn't working either, so I came to check my internet connection...nothing there either. all 3 services are supplied by the TV company, so I went round to my mate Daves house to use his phone to call them. When I got through, I was told my services had been suspended because the telephone calls made over the past 20 days had gone over my credit limit of £250 ($400) I had to pay half of it by credit card over the phone to get the services reinstated...It turns out my son has been using the phone whenever we were out or from a different room to call his mates on their mobile phones...I just couldn't believe it...we have been having a few problems with him over the past few weeks or so but thought we had sorted everything out. The start was finding out that he was being bullied at school, one that was sorted his behaviour seemed to improve, but this week again he seems to have reverted back to the bad behaviour he had when it all started. As he has been off school sick this week I know it can't be anything that is going on at school that is bothering him, he says there is no problem he just wants to have fun and talk to his mates whenever he wants. He thinks we are being totally unfair asking him not to call mobile phones from the landline even though we have explained to him how expensive it is. I am really at my wits end now. Money is already very tight, christmas is just around the corner and all the money I have put aside to buy present with is now going to have to go to pay the rest of this bill which isn't helping at all.
In the past I would have headed straight for the kitchen and eaten everything in sight to comfort myself, but I am proud to say I didn't do that, I went and did another workout instead and took out my frustration on my weights :)
Losing weight is a lot easier than being a parent.
After wednesday nights fiasco, when I went up to bed at just after midnight, I found a note pinned to my sons bedroom door which said....
Leave me alone.
If I ruin your life so much then why don't you just kick me out that way things would be better for you....I was absolutely heartbroken. I was going to leave it until the morning before I spoke to him about it, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep so eventually my hubby agreed it would probably be better to wake him and have a talk. we talked until about 2am and I think we have finally made some progress. He at least did say he loved us both and he was really sorry. The one thing he has never done before is say sorry, when we have asked him if he was sorry he has always said no, because he blames us for everything, but we didn't shout at him or rant and rave, we just talked calmly and tried to explain things as simply as we could so that he really would understand.
We have always kept our financial situation from him, the money problems are ours and not something a 13 year old boy should be worrying about, so he really had no idea how serious we were when we said he couldn't use the phone or he couldn't have the designer labelled clothes that all his mates have...he just thought we were being mean. we decided that we had to tell him something of how difficult things were for us at the moment and that we were not really being mean but we have to watch what we spend just now and in a few months time when we have got our heads above water again,then we may be able to buy him the things he really wants...hey...bingo...that seemed to have hit home...thats when we got the ...oh mum I didn't know it was as bad as that I am really really sorry I love you both so much, and I didn't mean to make so many calls on the phone and I didn't realise I had stayed on as long as I have done ( his exact words )
he burst into tears and hugged me so tightly I thought he was going to choke me and he kept telling me he loved me.
I was upset because I hate to see him upset and that was it, there was no way I was going to get any sleep at all...I spent the night drinking coffee and reading a book...My gym equipment kept calling my name, but I really did do far too much during the day that I knew I would be doing myself more harm than good if I did any more. His bedroom is always a tip and we are constantly nagging him to get it tidied...when I got home from work on thursday, it was spotless, he had also vacuumed the lounge and washed all the dishes that I had left the night before because I just couldn't be bothered to do them...all without being asked....now that is a major improvement. maybe we have finally got through.
It was a tough day at work on friday, it was really busy so I was on the go all day which was probably just as well...if I had sat down at all I am sure I wouldn't have been able to keep myself awake...I was so glad when it was time to go home.
Here is looking forward to a better week than last week

Week 93: Saturday 30th November Weight =169lbs Weight Loss = 1lb

I have had a pretty good week this week, although it has been very busy at work I seem to have spent most of the week working exercising, eating and sleeping. So not very much has happened to report until today. Yesterday as soon as I had finished work I met mark had some lunch, and then we took ourselves into town to do some christmas shopping.
I wasn't very organised we were supposed to be buying christmas present, but I forgot the list of who we needed to buy for and we ended up coming home with just one gift. On saturday morning I had to wait for Mark to get home from work, then we had some lunch, I got Weighed which wasn't too bad...I lost a pound....I was a little disappointed which seems to be what I am every week now no matter how much I lose...I think I just keep expecting to get on the scales and all these remaining 15lbs will have just melted away. I am putting it down to hormones as TOM is due this week :( and I never think very positively when that is due.I should though because that now means I am out of the 170's and into the 160's...now weighing 169lbs :) Anyway after that we took ourselves back into town. we started off by doing the food shopping, taking that back to the car and then went back into the shopping precinct to make a start on the christmas gifts...I was very organised this time :), armed with a list of everyone that we needed to buy for and after 4 hours of shopping we set off for home having bought for every one on the list...I can't believe it, it was still November and all our christmas shopping is finished...OK ...I know it was the last day of November, but I am usually rushing around on christmas eve trying to get things for everyone...Next friday my sister has booked us the day off work to go and have our christmas lunch and then spend the afternoon shopping for presents...I will be shopping for an outfit for christmas day now that all my presents are bought :) I was also in desperate need of a warm coat for the winter and Mark said if I could find one I liked he would buy it for me. I spent ages looking, I found things that were nice but not quite what I wanted, apart from one store that did have one, but the assistant came over and asked me which one I was looking at, I pointed it out and she took one look at me and said I am so sorry but I don't have that particular one in your size, this size 16 is the smallest size I have and it will be much too big for you...I was in tears when I left the shop...but for a different reason than I usually leave clothes stores in tears...to say it made my day to be told they didn't have a size small enough for me would be an understatement.I finally did find one I liked and he bought it for me...size small :)The only thing that did put the dampeners on my mood was passing a clothes store that I remember passing the same time last year and looking at a dress they had in the window..it is absolutely beautiful and a size 12...I remember saying last year. I want to be able to buy that and wear it and next year I will....I couldn't believe it when we walked past and they had the same dress in the window again, then I got a little depressed because I still can't wear it even if I did buy it now....But I quickly pulled myself together...and you can bet your life...NEXT year I will definitely be wearing that dress :)
My sister in law sent me a load of clothes tonight that she was going to throw out...all sizes from 10 to 14...I can get into most of them but not all, however the ones that I can't get into are not that far off...some of the size 10's fit better than some of the size 14's, so that just goes to show that the size label is really irrelevant, they vary so much.
Saturday evening I went round to my mate Daves...I have taken all the christmas presents round there so that Sebastian doesn't go rummaging and find any of his...and I then spent the evening wrapping them all. My christmas cards were all written and addressed at the end of October...so I can safely say I am now ready for christmas..the only thing left to buy is the food and obviously that will have to wait until closer to the time.
I am looking forward to this coming week but I have a feeling next weeks weigh in will be a disappointment because as I have already mentioned TOM is due...well nothing I can do about it, so I just need to keep plugging away and hanging in there :)

Week 94: Saturday 7th December Weight =167lbs Weight Loss = 2lbs

Last sunday I had a good day...it was the first day of December and I was hit by the cleaning bug :). I got up early and cleaned everywhere, then when it was all finished I just couldn't help myself...I had to put up the christmas tree and decorations...not only that I got to eat my first chocolate from my advent calendar :)I saved it until bedtime and had it instead of my usual chocolate biscuit...I'm sure it tasted much better because I waited all day for it...lol
Monday was a very busy day at work. Mark got home and came straight up the stairs to see me and asked if I hadn't been in the lounge since I got home...when I said No ...Why?...he said because the cat is still breathing....I went downstairs and there was the cat sitting in the middle of the christmas tree with all the decorations scattered around the lounge...needless to say, when he saw me , he made a very speedy exit.....
It was 8pm before I sat down to eat dinner...half way through it I got a panic phone call from my brother saying he had messed his computer up and it wouldn't boot up. I finished my dinner, called round and picked Dave up and then went to my brothers....Dave sorted the computer out for him and when I dropped him back off at home I picked up all the christmas presents...except Sebastians and Marks and brought them home to put under the tree. Oh I feel really festive now :)
On Tuesday we had another busy day but a very pleasant one...it was one of our babies first birthdays and we had a party for her. The kids all had a ball. I didn't make that much food, but it was amazing to see how much was left and that got me thinking...when we feed the babies, when they have had enough, they simply refuse to eat anything else...they know when they are full and satisfied....when do we forget to recognise that feeling?. If we never did, we would never be overweight at all would we :)
Friday was our day off work to go and do the christmas shopping and have our christmas lunch...I don't know why I was looking forward so much to the day off work because I only work half a day on fridays anyway, but I was...It was a great day.. We ran around all the shops picking up bargains everywhere we went I had supposedly finished all my shopping but I kept finding more stuff for hubby that I thought he would like and ended up spending a fortune...he will go mad when he see's how many gifts he has got this year, but he is worth it :)
We went for our lunch to a very nice little country pub...I had a melon and raspberry starter and a chicken and bacon salad for the main course...I passed on the desert, apart from the fact I was full I am not really a big desert eater...I did have to have my coffee tho, could never pass up on that :)
This morning TOM made its appearance so I was really surprised to see that I had lost 2 lbs this week, surprised yes, but thrilled too now I am into the next stone down and just 13lbs away from my final goal...It is so close now, words cannot describe just how I feel...I want weigh in days to arrive as soon as they are over...I just want to hit that goal. I won't do it for christmas, but I hope I will do it very soon in the new year...what a way to start the new year off :)

Week 95: Saturday 14th December Weight =164lbs Weight Loss = 3lbs

what a busy week last week was, I was so glad to see friday arrive. I think partly because I am so tired at the moment, probably because of the lack of sleep. Over the past few weeks I have been falling out of bed every night sometimes 2 and 3 times. The only explanation we can come up with is that when I was so heavy I flattened my side of the matress and also that being so overweight I didn't move around as much...I found a comfortable position and stayed in it all night. Now that I am so much lighter I move around a lot more in bed and as the matress seems to be dipping slightly I roll out off it...I am covered in bruises :)Time to buy a new matress I think.
I went to the hairdressers on friday afternoon and had my hair done again I was there for almost 4 hours, I swear it takes longer to have it done now than when it was long :)
I have been really good with my eating and exercise this week and I was looking forward to weigh in day today. I was absolutely delighted when I saw the scales say a 3lb loss...Only 10lbs more to go...I just can't believe I am almost there, and I feel absolutely fantastic.:) When I bought my Calvin Klein jeans a few weeks ago and they wouldn't fit, I said I wanted to be wearing them on christmas day...well as I was feeling so good after todays weigh in I decided to try them on and see how much closer I was to being able to wear them...the answer was!!!!!...whoohoo..I could get into them comfortably and wore them to go out shopping in :)
I went out looking for a dress to wear for my sister in laws christmas party next saturday...I did see one that I liked, actually I loved it. I would say it is my dream dress, one that I have always dreamed of wearing, but not at the size I was when I started this journey. I kept looking at it, but without even trying it on I decided it was way too small and I came home without it...I have regretted doing that all day...I should have at least tried it on, but I didn't :(...Silly me.Oh well, I will just have to go shopping again next saturday and hope the dress is still there...and hope it fits.
I am not looking forward to next week at work, it is going to be our busiest week of the year and as I finish for almost 2 weeks on friday you can bet your life the week is going to drag. I will be working hard again this week on the diet. next saturday is the last weigh in before christmas and I want to be as close to my goal as I can possibly be. I want to be even closer come the new year :)

Week 95: Saturday 21st December Weight =162lbs Weight Loss = 2lbs

With regard to the diet this has once again been another good week. I have managed easily to stick to my eating plan and I have worked hard on the exercise. The scales rewarded all my efforts by showing another 2lb loss. My last weigh in day before christmas sees me just 8lbs away from my final goal :)
If you have already looked at my gallery you will have seen my dream dress...The one I didn't buy last weekend when I went shopping and then regretted it all weekend. Well I saw the dress in a store that my mate Dave works in and on monday he brought the dress home for me to try on...He said if I didn't like it or it didn't fit, there was no problem he could just take it back. As you can see it did fit perfectly and I absolutely love it. I can't wait for tonight when I get to wear it to go to my sister in laws christmas party :)
I went to my sisters house last night for a party, she had invited all the mums of the children we care for round. It was a great night, I seemed to be doing all the serving of drink and food, Pizza's, nuts, crisps and wine, I hadn't managed to eat anything all day because I was so busy and was late getting home. I literally threw my clothes on and rushed out again, but I managed to resist all the temptation of food that was there, telling myself I could eat when I got home and if I gave in there, I would have a disappointing weigh in day today, something I definitely didn't want. In the back of my mind too was also the thought of that dress. I didn't want anything to spoil wearing that tonight.
Hubby was a little darling, he prepared my evening meal for me while I was out and it was all ready for me when I got home, so I didn't have to think about what I was going to have and wait around with the temptation to nibble while I was getting it ready, which was a great help.
Next week will be my last weigh in of this year...Next year will see me hit that final goal...I really cannot believ I am so close now and the end is in sight. I will be working hard as I always do to make it as soon as I can in the new year....That is a thought that I will be keeping close to me while I am out celebrating over the christmas holidays.

Week 96: Saturday 28th December Weight =161lbs Weight Loss = 1lb

The christmas party at my sister in laws last week was a huge success...I wore my dress and felt like a million dollars, looking and feeling as good as I did, made it easy to resist any temptations that would have taken me over my calorie allowance. I came home having enough left to have a sandwich and a chocolate bisuit before bed...I was very pleased with myself. I knew I would be able to keep myself in check, nothing but nothing is going to stop me from reaching my goal...I am starting to feel so proud of what I have achieved, but even now I still find it difficult to believe that I look the way I do when I see myself in the mirror...Family members told me several times on saturday night that I look and act like a completelty different person, they say I am much happier and although they said I was a happy jolly person before they say I just seem to have more self confidence now. Personally I think I am the same, I will agree I am definitely happier but I didn't think I acted any differently than I did before. It just goes to show that others see things you don't see yourself.
On sunday I finished the last of the food shopping for christmas. I knew it was going to be busy in the supermarkets, I can never understand why people just rush out and stock up as though they have to buy things to last them for weeks...the stores are only closed for 2 days. I always only buy enough to last until ,the day after boxing day and then go shopping again then...it is always quiet.
By sunday evening all the shopping was finished and all the presents were wrapped. I was totally ready for santa's arrival on tuesday. I am worse than any kid I know...I just love christmas :)
On monday I fully intended to have a very long lie in bed, but I woke up bright and early and got on with my normal workout.The I hit the supermarket again, I have no idea why I went in the first place because I bought everything we need for christmas on sunday, but I enjoyed myself just wandering around and looking at the stocked shelves...I did feel obliged to buy something before I left so I came out with some milk...something that will never go to waste in our house :)
Everything was already done for christmas and I was at a loss for things to do....I have been promising some friends for the past 18 months that we would go up and visit them but we just never seem to find the time. So in the afternoon I called them to see if they would be about and we went up to see them...they couldn't believe the difference in me...They live on a farm and have a few horses...I was telling them that when I reached my goal I was going to go horse riding as it was something I have always dreamed of doing but have never been able to because of my weight...when I told them they invited me back up on sunday to ride one of their horses...I went up to have a look at the horse that I would be riding...it is a beautiful horse...I love horses and being a veterinary nurse for 20 years I am quite used to being in close proximity to them, but standing in front of this horse and knowing that on sunday I would be climbing onto it's back, I was suddenly filled with panic.I am sure I will be ok once I get on, but I am very nervous :)
Christams eve really seemed to drag. From the minute I got up I wanted it to be bed time. I spent the day preparing all the food for christmas day. At midnight I went round to my mate Dave's to pick up all the christmas presents. When I got back. mark told me that Sebastian was still awake, so we had to be very careful when we brought the presents into the house. I didn't mind him seeing us bringing them in all except his guitar, which we wanted to be the biggest surprise.I had to go up to his room and make sure he wasn't peeping out of the window when Mark brought it in and hid it. I finally went up to bed at about 1.15am at 1.45 am I woke up and remembered I had left the leads to the guitar in sebastians present sack, so I had to get up again to hide them. As I was going down the stairs, sebastian was on his way out of his room, he asked if I was going to see if Santa had been, I told him I was just putting a present under the tree that I had hidden for his dad. When I came back up, he was still at the top of the stairs and he said he thought his dad was getting up because he was getting dressed. Mark was just sitting on the bed and I asked if we were going to let sebastian get up and open his presents, he said we may as well get it over with because neither he nor me would go to sleep until we had done ...hehehe :)
As soon as we were downstairs in the lounge and sebastian was opening his presents, I went and put his guitar into the kitchen. when he had opened everything I told him to take all the wrapping paper through to the kitchen waste bin and make me a cup of coffee...we both followed him through...The look on his face when he opened the kitchen door and saw his guitar was just priceless...He burst into tears and gave us both a big hug. The feeling of seeing his reaction and knowing we had given him the one thing above all that he really wanted brought all the magic back to christmas.
Mark had bought me a cd player for my car and at 3am we were sitting outside in it palying :)...He had fitted it a couple of days before...I can't believe I had driven the car and not noticed it.
Mark was over the moon with his DVD player and new mobile phone as I knew he would be...and of course I got the...You shouldn't have spent so much money "look" that I expected :)
We decided to leave setting up the DVD player until the mnorning after we had some sleep. We finally went up to bed at about 3.15 am. My mum had bought me a new slinky nightdress and I tried that on when we got upstairs....I loved it...we didn't get to sleep until 5am ( No further details available :) )But I think Mark liked it too :)
We dragged ourselves out of bed at 10am on christmas morning, Mark started to set up the DVD player while I got on with cooking breakfast and the christmas dinner. It should have been a pretty simple operation to set everything up...but it wasn't The DVD player worked fine so did the Video, but he couldn't get anything on the TV when he connected the cable box.
Dave came round just before midday and I heard Mark beath a sigh of relief :) someone who knew what they were doing :)...Unfortunately that didn't turn out to be the case either....they tried everything even starting all over again, but with the same end result. I made them stop to have dinner at 3.45pm and I asked if they had tried resetting the cable box, which they hadn't...so when we had finished eating they tried that. The first time they managed to get one chanel on so they reset it again and hey presto,,,everything worked fine....Typical men...never think of trying the easiest thing first :)
Mark was working in the evening from 6pm until 10pm and my sister had invited us all up to her house for our usual family christmas get together. We dropped Mark off at work and then went round there.I went back to pick him up when he had finished. My sister had laid on a buffet tea with lots of beer. I stuck to a ham salad and no beer.For My Christmas dinner I ate the same as everyone else except for desert I had a slice of melon instead of the chocolate alabama fudge cake. Though I do have to admit, it was very difficult to resist that....I had to constantly keep reminding myself how close to goal I was and that giving in would just make getting there a longer journey...That kept me on the straight and narrow.
So my christmas dinner consisted of a prawn cocktail with a home made low calorie dressing for starters... a 3oz duck breast, gravy, stuffing, mint sauce and loads of vegetables and a slice of melon for desert. total calories were just under 300 for the entire meal...I was so stuffed when I had finished eating I could hardly move....Who says you have to deprive yourself of anything to feel like that and eat an enjoyable meal....I suppose you could say I deprived myself of the chocolate cake...but that was my personal decision, to go for something lower calorie...I could have had some and still managed to stay within my calorie allowance but I would probably have had no calories left to have my usual chocolate biscuit and drink at bed time and I prefered to stick with that...as it was I ened up at bedtime having used so few calories I had to have a ham sandwich before bed to add a few extra but it did mean I had to do without my biscuit, but I didn't actually feel like it anyway....I was very pleased with how well I coped and stayed within my allowance.
On boxing day I didn't manage to drag myself out of bed until 10.30am....mark was working from 8am until 12 noon, so I prepared a buffet lunch for when he got home....His tradition is to have this and port and stilton for his lunch every year and another big roast dinner later in the evening.
I prepared everything for that too and for my lunch I had grilled mushrooms and tomatoes sprinkled with chopped garlic and a salad. I ate the same as everyone else again for my evening meal, just less of the high calorie parts and more vegetables :)
However today was a very difficult day to resist all the chocolate. I don't know if it was just the fact that all the buffet food was out in the kitchen so that people could just go and help themselves...or if it has anything to do with the fact that TOM is due next week. But I did find it difficult....I am more inclined to think it is because of TOM, I ate just as well today as I did yesterday, but no matter how much I ate I still felt hungry, that is a sure sign TOM is very iminent. I managed to resist everything by snacking on the huge bowl of salad that I had prepared.
I was bought loads of chocolate for christmas, the really high calorie chocolates I gave to Mark and sebastian, and also opened a couple of boxes to give to guests that popped in. The others I am going to do the same thing with that I did leading up to christmas, and that is to have just one every night before bed. I wont need to buy any chocolate biscuits for a while :)
I was really pleased with myself again for getting through the day of temptation without giving in, the only thing that could spoil weigh in day this week is TOM and that is something I have no control over.
Friday should have been just another day like any other, but my fridge was still piled high with left over goodies from the christmas meals. And to make matters worse TOM is definitely about to make an appearance although it shouldn't be here until next saturday, I am feeling just so hungry all the time...sitting in the lounge I can hear all those goodies calling my name and it is taking every ounce of strength I have to stop myself from eating anything...Thankfully a lot that is in the fridge is vegetables and I am so far managing to let my creeping hands wander to those....I just hope hubby and son demolish what is left of all the chocolate cake before the temptation gets too great....I prepared myself for a bad weigh in today, even though I have been super good, I started to feel very bloated and crampy in the evening and I knew that didn't bode well for a good weigh in today so I wasn't looking forward to it at all.Unless I actually had a loss I knew I was going to feel very disappointed. I don't feel as though I wasted my time sticking to my eating plan over christmas, as I said before I have eaten very well, I haven't felt at all deprived of anything and have been stuffed for most of the time...but I will feel as though my efforts haven't been rewarded the way they should have been through no fault of my own. I had no real need to worry though, the scales showed another pound lost. So I am pleased with that...I know I deserve to have lost something for how good I have been and how hard I had to try to not give into temptation. Now just 7lbs away from goal...close ...so close :)

Week 97: Saturday 4th January Weight =170lbs Weight Gain = 9lbs

I did it...I finally got on a horse...and it was everything I hoped it would be...the horse was called Taffy and he was a complete gentleman...it was as if he knew I was a total novice and he was just so gentle and obedient. Getting on him was no easy task...standing beside him the stirrups were at head height...I needed a box to climb up high enough to be able to get my foot to reach.
I was so nervous...but once I was on and moving around I really started to enjoy it...then came the trot....I wasn't quite ready for that and I think Taffy knew it too...he trotted a couple of steps then stopped...I don't know if I did anything to make him stop other than scream or if he just felt me about to slide off him, but he stopped and I was grateful for that, I am going to ride him again next week...his owner is going to give me riding lessons now so it will become a regular thing.
I managed not to fall off at all until it came to the dismount...then when my legs hit the floor they just turned to jelly and I ended up on my bum Hubby was armed and ready with the camera to snap that little shot.
I just couldn't help it but when I got off and stood at the side of Taffy the tears flowed...I just can't desribe how good it felt to do something I had long ago accepted I would never be able to do...the tears were made even worse when Taffy snuggled into my neck and licked me...almost as if he was saying well done. I was a little embarrassed to burst into tears in front of everyone, but now I'm not....it was a totally amazing experience and I am so proud that I did it...Now I really do feel like a normal person.
I haven't been looking forward to weigh in day at all this week, although I have been on a high for most of the week after finally making a dream come true, I have been starting to feel more and more bloated as the week has gone on and TOM arrived last night which I knew was the reason for the bloating, I was prepared for a bad weigh in but not one as bad as it was and I have been totally miserable.I gained 9lbs... and my only crime is just being a woman...'ve done nothing wrong as far as eating goes, but TOM has raised its ugly head...I knew it was going to be a bad one this month because I have been getting more and more bloated daily since last friday...yesterday I had to resort back to wearing a pair of size 16 jeans because I just couldn't get into anything else. At the time I didn't feel as though I had been deprived of anything over christmas and new year, tho I could have murdered for some of all the chocolate gateauxs that were floating around, but I didn't give in....now I am asking myself was it all worth it...of course I know it is really and at least this 9lb is just fluid, if I had given in it would have been more and not just fluid. still its only 9lbs and not the highest I have ever gained at this time of the month...looking back since I started keeping track of my weight gains at this time my highest was 21lbs gain...and it didn't all come off the following week it took 2 - 3 weeks and I wasn't happy about that.
I was tempted to miss getting weighed at all today and just wait until next week because I knew I was going to feel as bad as I do when I saw a gain...I wasn't really prepared for it to be as high as it was tho. but I am glad I didn't miss getting weighed...I would only have been trying to fool myself...and hey, you all need to see that I suffer just as badly as everyone else...I told you I was human too.
I am totally miserable today now tho...this is definitely not the way I wanted to start the new year off.

Week 98: Saturday 11th January Weight =167lbs Weight Loss = 3lbs

Well I have had a bad week as far as having a hard time dealing with this weight gain even though I know what it was...TOM is still with me and the scales still didn't say any less all week which didn't help matters...I know I should stay away from them until my proper weigh in day but I just couldn't.
I Tried not to let myself feel too depressed all the time and I worked out a little longer each day to try to help speed things up a bit...actually I was also doing it to keep my mind off it, it seemed to help a little sometimes but not always.
I treated myself to a long soak in the bath last night with aromatherapy oils for relaxation, then had an early night. Paid my usual nightly visit to the floor to inspect the carpet...almost made it there twice last night, but hubby managed to catch me before I fell out completely.
I didn't get a chance go horse riding this week,the weather was too cold, by the time I was leaving work in the evenings I had to spend 15 minutes defrosting the car and warming it up before I could go anywhere and where the horse is stabled is higher up in the hills it was even worse up there. That meant doing the same thing again before I set off for home. It wasn't really because it was cold that I didn't go, it was the extra time involved defrosting the car, it adds too much time on to the journey and I had quite a few things to do at home for work last week. I have to admit tho that I was still feeling down on myself for this weight gain and somewhere deep in the back of my head I think I was making excuses not to go...riding was my treat for almost getting to goal. Now I don't feel like I deserve to do it until I am back where I was when I first went...Silly I know, but hey...hormonal irrational thinking strikes again.
I am back wearing my size 14's comfortably again now , I know the extra pounds will come off again eventually and I am trying to be patient...I know I just have to keep on doing what I have been doing, and it will start go, I know I should totally ignore anything the scale says until my proper weigh in day, so that is what I am going to do. How many times have I said that ? :)
I have worked really hard this week and exercised a lot more than I normally do and I was told yesterday by my trainer that the extra exercise is probably not such a good thing at this stage of the game if it is the numbers on the scales that I want to see going down...He said that now I have got to the stage where I have more muscle than fat and increasing exercise is toning and building the muscles which weighs more than fat, so although I will look more toned and slimmer faster, I am actually more likely to notice a weight gain rather than a weight decrease not such a drastic increase as last week of course maybe only a pound or so or I may even stay the same weight for a week or two, ....maybe that is why I can now fit back into my normal clothes, yet the scales didn't say I weighed any less all week , who knows?....I am going back to my normal workout time and eating what I normally eat again from now on.I am not going to start chopping and changing from what I know works for me now just because of one disappointment...that has definitely been my downfall in the past and I am not going to let it ruin what I have achieved already this time. The scales showed a loss this week of 3lbs and I know I should be pleased with that...I am, at least it is a loss, but after gaining so much last week I really was hoping to see a lot more of it gone. Just be patient and keep on...isn't that what I just said I would do :) Feeling positive again for the coming week, I will reach my goal soon.

Week 99: Saturday 18th January Weight =161lbs Weight Loss = 6lbs

Well my week started of great. We took the kids to the park on monday morning, after pushing them around on the roundabout and then on the swings, one of them asked me to get on the swings with them. It was something I have never even thought of doing for years because I just knew I wouldn't be able to get my butt in the seat. but I did, then my sister shouted lets make auntie Ali go on the slide, and before I had even thought about it, I was at the top and sliding down. Then it was on to something that I've never seen before, the best way to desribe it is like a helicopter blade...you grab hold of it and run round with it and once you have got some speed up you pull yourself up so that your feet leave the ground and spin around just like the helicopter blades...I wasn't sure I could lift my own body weight, can't say I have really done anything where I needed to find out, but I gave it a go and it was easy....what a thrill that was, I hogged that for ages...the kids were too small to go on it anyway :) I had a brilliant time, I probably enjoyed it more than the kids :) and it must have been great exercise too.br> I had forgotten just how much fun it was to be a child ...now I feel like a child in an adult body....Hubby says sometimes I have the mind of a child...especially when I sulk coz he wont buy me something I want :)
The fresh air and the exercise made me feel ready for anything for the rest of the day and I was raring to go when I got home to do my workout...I always enjoy my workouts once I get started, but some days I really do have to push myself to actually start. I didn't feel like that on monday tho, I think I should take the kids to the park a lot more often :)
The rest of the week was fairly boring until friday when I only work half a day. In the afternoon I went to the hairdressers and had my hair done again a little differently this time, I went for a really funky spikey style...I can still have it how it was before, but I had it cut a little shorter so thast if I add gel to it it will spike up...very trendy for a good night out...All I need to now is get hubby to take me out :)
My eating has gone really well and I have been very good with my exercise....I decided that because I have been having a few late nights over the last week or so, I would give my early morning workout a miss and spend a couple of hours extra in bed and I would do my workout when I got home....I have never done that in the past because I thought I would be too tired after a long day at work and would talk myself out of it far too easily...well I didn't...I came home, got dinner started and did my workout while it was cooking. I actually enjoyed doing it too, it kept my mind off the fact that I was hungry and stopped the temptation of me putting anything in my mouth while I was waiting for dinner to cook.:)
Weigh in was a good one, it looks impressive a 6lb loss but I know it is just the fluid that I gained a couple of weeks ago, but I am happy it has gone again and now back to being just 7lbs away from goal :)
Looking forward to the coming week and hoping to get rid of those last 7lbs very very soon

Week 100: Saturday 25th January Weight =161lbs Weight Loss = 0lbs

I worked hard this week, my exercising went well and I stuck to my eating plan, I was hoping for a good weigh in, but that wasn't to be the case. the scales hadn't moved.
I just don't know where the time is going recently it seems to flying by so quickly. one minute I am in the middle of a week, the next it is monday morning and time to start all over again....On friday I was having a chat with one of the parents of a little girl we care for....there had been a program on the tv that morning where the morning news chanel had taken 5 people to St Lucia for a week to a diet club, it looked absolutely beautiful there and I said I think I need to go there to lose this last 7lbs. He is a childrens book illustrator and started telling me what a fantastic achievement I had already made and was I thinking about writing in to any of the slimming magazines with my success story. I told him what I told everyone else and that is I feel that being slim is the best reward I could ever have and that writing into a magazine myself is like asking for something more for myself....maybe that is just me, but I think something like that should be done by someone else. so he said if I wasn't going to do that, had I thought about writing a book, he felt I had a great story to tell and that a lot of people would be really interested in reading it....I honestly hadn't thought about that before, but I think he is right, it is the sort of thing that I would find interesting and would have even before I lost weight, I was always addicted to slimming magazines for the success stories. So all weekend I have been thinking about doing that, But where do I start, and how do I lay it out...I have no idea what would be the best, to write it as a factual story or just to write it as a journal.?
As I have already said, Weigh in was very disappointing this week, and I was really depressed about that. mainly because TOM will be due again next week and I am terrified I will gain weight again when it arrives like last month. I am starting to panic that these last 7lbs are going to stick around forever. I think my irratinality hormones must already have started to kick in. Because I know deep down that no matter how long it takes if I stick at it, I will get to my goal, so I am not giving up now.
I am going to meet one of the ladies I met on the 3fc website next sunday. she lives about 60 miles away from where I live pretty close to where I used to live when I had the pub and I said the next time I was over that way visiting some of our old friends I would pop over and say hi...well we are going over to visit some friends next sunday so it seemed the perfect opportunity to meet her too. I am really looking forward to it too.
I think meeting someone face to face makes it all a bit more real. When you really think about it, everyone only has my word for it that I have lost as much weight as I have, yes they can see my pictures on my website, but who is to say those pictures are really me, they could be one of my friends or just someone I know. actually meeting someone is proof it is me. I have never thought about it like that before until I got the nasty email from that person who said my photographs looked like different people.
It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, I did this for myself, but it will be nice to give someone the proof.
I am looking forward to the coming week even though I am dreading the arrival of TOM, I need to get it over with and then I can look ahead to reaching my goal :)

Week 101: Saturday 1st february Weight =164lbs Weight Gain = 3lbs

By Tuesday I had started to get the tell tale signs of TOM's Arrival, I was feeling very bloated and achy. I tried to prepare myself for a weight gain this week and tried not to get too depressed about it, but it was difficult. I think lack of sleep from constantly falling out of bed definitely isn't helping with my moods, I am just so tired all the time. On tuesday afternoon I took a trip in my lunch hour to the local bed shop to price up a new mattress for our bed. The final straw came on monday night when I must have landed awkwardly when I fell out and I pulled the muscle in my left arm. It was agony for days, but that was finally enough to make me realise I had to try something. I wasn't able to do any exercises that involved using my arms for most of the week.
I came home and told hubby how much the bed would be and he agreed we had to try it and told me to go back on wednesday and order it. I did and it was delivered on friday afternoon.
I spoke to Helen on tuesday night and we made arrangements to meet up along with Shell on sunday. I am really looking forward to that, Just hope the weather keeps up, we have had bits of snow but nothing drastic as yet I just hope that stays away until after sunday.
Wednesday is always our busiest day at work, and this week was no different, made even busier by the fact that one of the children came down with a vomiting and diarrhoea bug, I came home stinking, and couldn't wait to get into the bath, even after I had soaked for over an hour, I could still smell it, thankfully no one else could, it must have just been my imagination :)
Thursday turned out to be very quiet because a few more of the kids got the bug and our numbers were down, so I got to finish early which was great it meant I got to do my workout well before tea and I spent a very relaxing evening soaking in the bath and doing not much else.
On my way home from work on friday afternoon, I called at the supermarket and decided to have a quick look on the bargain rail in the clothes section, I found a pair of black leather trousers in a size 14, they looked a small 14 but they were only £4.99 so I had to buy them. I got them home and tried them on and they fit perfectly, I wore them all afternoon. When hubby got home, I called him upstairs to see the new bed and my new leather trousers. He grinned at me and threw me onto the bed and pretended to pull them off, unfortunately I was still wearing my boots and the heel went straight through the leg and ruined them. Hubby felt aweful and insisted that we go back to the supermarket to see if they had any more. I wasn't very hopeful as I only spotted the one pair when I got them, but we went anyway. I was amazed when we got back, they did have one more pair and miraculously they were also a size 14...I must have been destined to have those trousers:)
While we were there hubby also bought me 2 new tops to go with the new trousers...hehehe...I should let him rip my clothes more often :)
I bought a bodice top a few months ago to match a pair of panties, The panties fit but I couldn't get into the bodice top it was a size 38D, but I decided to try it on again on friday and it fits perfectly now.
So all in all I have felt pretty good with the new clothes and getting into that bodice, that even though the scales showed a gain of 3lbs I was not quite as depressed about it as I thought I would be. Now I am looking forward to TOM's departure and getting on with losing the last few pounds + the extra 3lbs of course :)
I also had my first full nights sleep in bed last night, I know it is only one night but it looks like the new bed may have solved the problem :)

Week 102: Saturday 8th February Weight =161lbs Weight Loss = 3lbs

Another good week sticking to my eating and exercise plan.I have also been getting some decent sleep. The bed obviously was what was causing my problem as I haven't fallen out since we got the new one. My problem now is it is just so comfy, I don't want to get out of it in a morning :)
I had a great day on sunday going to Stoke to meet Helen and Shell from the 3fc site. We had a good 3 hours together, I am just an ordinary person, but they made me feel so special :)
I was really annoyed with myself tho...I took along my camera to get some photographs of us together, but we had such a good time chatting, I forgot all about it until I was on my way home...Never mind.... I will remember next time :)
After I left them I went on to meet the other friends I was over to see, they had arranged to go for a pub lunch which I hadn't expected, but I chose well and had a tunafish salad and a jacket potato which was safe enough although I still had to estimate how many calories were in it because I didn't know the exact weight of the tuna or potato, I am getting pretty good these days at being able to tell how much things weigh so I am fairly confident I wont be too far out with my estimation, but just to be on the safe side I didn't have my chocolate drink and biscuit on sunday night at bedtime.
Woke up on monday morning to a heavy fall of snow. Thankfully, Mark had said the night before that he wanted to use the car so he would get up early and take me into work, I was so glad about that, I hate driving in the snow. The roads were horrendous, the journey normally takes me 15 - 20 minutes but it took almost 2 hours that day.
Mark phoned me in the afternoon and said the microwave had finally given up the ghost and we would have to buy a new one, so when he picked me up after work we went into town to buy one.
My mums friend and my sister in law both sent me some new clothes on monday too, I spent the evening trying them on. Most of them are a size 12, there were a few 10's and a few 14's. The 10's are obviously way too small but the 14's fit perfectly and I can get into most of the 12's but they are a bit too tight to wear just yet...but soon, very soon :)
It is funny how quickly we get into our habits. I did without my chocolate biscuit on sunday night as I have already said, I wasn't hungry and didn't really miss it as such. However, it has become a regular routine and I found it difficult to get off to sleep because I missed the routine.
On Tuesday the snow was quite bad again and this time I did have to drive myself to work, not an experience I enjoyed very much. I managed pretty well, but I wouldn't want to have to do it very often. Through the day the snow started to clear and the drive home was much better. I set off early as we were fairly quiet. All my vegetables were already prepared for dinner so I got on with my workout. I am really enjoying working out when I get home instead of getting up early to do it.
My sister asked me to take my scales into work with me so she could get weighed. She has decided she really has to do something about her weight again. She reconed she would be heavier than me now. I have never weighed less than her before, but when she got on the scales she was actually 1 stone 3lbs (17lbs) more than me and I am 6 inches taller than she is. I think the approaching summer and the fact that I am now so close to my goal is probably what has spurred her on to do something now.
I have surprised myself this week with how I have been feeling. Normally during TOM, I get very depressed about any weight gains or even staying the same, but even though I gained 3lbs last week and sunday is my second anniversary of starting my diet, I am still feeling quite happy. I know I wont reach my final goal by sunday now, but I am so close. It is definitely more important what I look like than what I weigh, and when you look at my clothes now they are so small they look like childrens clothes...getting to my goal is still important obviously, but it doesn't matter how much longer it takes me because I already look pretty much how I want to look, the last 7lbs are not going to make that much of a difference to that, only to what I see when I get on the scales.
I went out for a meal on thursday evening for my sisters birthday. I planned well for that. I knew exactly what I was going to have before I went. A chicken and bacon salad and a jacket potato which was about 500 calories. Obviously I dont know exactly because I couldn't weigh the chicken and bacon or the potato so I overestimated to be on the safe side again, just like I did last sunday.
While I was shopping the other day I found some biscuits called penguin wing dings, I have never seen them before but I bought them to try, they are penguin shaped mini bisuits half covered in chocolate. You get around 13 biscuits in a bag and each bag is 144 calories. I had a bag of those with my chocolate drink when I got home from the meal and they were yummy...Its amazing how long you can make 13 tiny little biscuits last when you suck them :)
I desperately wanted to have a good loss this week. I hoped to have lost the 3lbs I gained last week and a little more besides, but that wasn't to be...I lost the 3lbs, but that was all...I was 4oz short of losing another lb, so I am now back to 161lbs yet again...I feel like I have been here forever, but at least now TOM's gain is gone and I have the next 3 weeks to make an all out effort to lose the last 7lbs before it arrives again :)

Week 103: Saturday 15th February Weight =161lbs Weight Loss = 0lbs

I received lots of messages of congratulations for my 2 year anniversary through emails and on my journal on the 3fc website. Its funny how many people have sent me congratulations for sticking to my diet for 2 years and are totally amazed that I have stuck at it for so long, I've probably said this before, but now it doesn't seem like any time at all and I no longer feel like I am on a diet. Someone sent me an eamail yesterday saying that she reads my journal every week, but that these days I don't often mention my diet, meaning I don't write down everything I eat...the reason is because now I don't really think about what I eat, I know how many calories I can use and eat whatever takes my fancy at the time for that amount of calories and because I am not constantly thinking about what I can and can't eat anymore, I tend to forget to write anything about it in my journal. I think that is part of why I am finding it so easy to stick to my eating plan, it is no longer the one thing I focus on. I eat when I have to or when I am hungry, These days I find I am so focused on other things I have to remind myself when it is mealtimes.
I never thought I would ever see the day when that would happen. hat has got to be one of the biggest changes in me. I no longer look for food when I am sad, depressed or happy for that matter.
I have noticed over the past few weeks I have not been enjoying my workouts as much as I was. Well that isn't strictly true. I do love working out, but because all my equipment is spread all over the house and I have to get it all set up before I can work out and then put it all away again when I am finished, I have started to dread coming home to do it. Well on sunday I decided it was time to get organised. and that is exactly what I did. I cleaned the house from top to bottom and got ruthless with lots of junk we have collected over the years and binned it all, thus creating same space to set up my stuff...it was either that or throw our son out onto the street so I could use his room, but he wasn't to keen on that idea...Kids !!! what spoilsports they are :)
I couldn't wait to get home on monday from work to start my workout knowing everything was just ready for me the minute I walked through the door made it so much better, it must be a phsycological thing, but I definitely think I enjoyed the workout more, maybe it was because I knew when I was done, I really was finished and I didn't need to put everything away.
On monday I downloaded a pilates video and burnt it onto dvd.I was going to give it a try on tuesday but for some reason I was really sore, I must have done a little more than I normally do on mondays workout although I didn't think I had at the time, it was only afterwards when I thought about it, I was going off how long I worked out for, and on monday I did the same length of time...what I hadn't taken into account was the time I normally workout for included setting up time and putting equipment away...well obviously I didn't have to do that this time so I probably worked out for another half an hour longer than I normally do....well I sure felt it on tuesday and I wont make that mistake again :)
The rest of the week has been pretty uneventful, I have been finding it difficult to keep my mind off this weeks weigh in, I was just so nervous about it. I think that it is mainly because I have been working so hard, making sure I eat exactly the right amount and watching my exercise, and in the past when I have been making a more concious effort, I don't appear to have been rewarded as well as I thionk I should have been, this week has been no different either. I counted every scrap that went into my mouth, I have exercised the same as I normally do with the exception of the little extra I did at the start of the week and yet once again I am rewarded with no loss. I am just so frustrated now I could cry. I just want to get on with the next week now and put this one behind me.

Week 104: Saturday 22nd February Weight =164lbs Weight Gain = 3lbs

I haven't been near the computer to update my journal this weekend I have felt just so bad. I was hit with a vomiting and throat bug that has been doing the rounds. I am feeling a little better now, but I have been left with a very sore and uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, it feels bruised and when I move around it still hurts. the doctor said it is just the after effects of the virus and it should ease off over the next 3 - 4 days.
I had to go in to work yesterday but thankfully it was a quiet day and I couldn't wait to get home. I am not normally one that likes to dwell on being sick, I try to keep myself going, but this time I didn't have the choice, I just couldn't get myself out of bed at all and I did a lot of sleeping which was probably a good thing.I must have needed it
I got all my blood test results back and the doctor was really pleased with them, they were all perfectly normal and at the lower end of the normal range not the higher end...I have been pronounced PERFECTLY fit and healthy :) I didn't feel it this weekend tho :)
Now the 3lbs gain that I had this weekend was a good thing and it was what the doctor and dietician had told me to be looking for. I wasn't too bothered about it until yesterday when I realsied that TOM is due again this week and now I am in a panic because if I have another gain I wont know if it has been caused by the increase in calories or TOM. I spoke to the doctor again yesterday about that and she said I may just have to ignore the scales for the next 2 weeks and just start again once TOM has finished. That will be easier said than done, it is hard enough to see a gain at TOM but at least then I know there is a perfectly good explanation and it will all be gone the following week, but this time I wont know and I am debating wether or not to get on the scales at all. I think I may take the doctors advice and put the scales away for 2 weeks then get on them and see what damage has been done and start over again...you never know I may be pleasantly surprised in 2 weeks time, and I could save myself a lot of misery by not weighing this week and seeing a gain. I will wait until this weeks weigh in is closer and decide then what to do
On my plate on the picture is my home made tagliatelle, that is on one side of the plate on the other is cabbage, carrots, green beans, runner beans brussel sprouts with a sprinkle of pickled red cabbage over the top and cauliflower. I eat like that every night and yes I eat that much usually after 8pm, so all this jargon about not eating a big meal late at night or you wont lose weight in my opinion is rubbish. I have always eaten late and I am proof that you can still lose weight no matter what time you eat. I honestly believe it is the amount of calories you eat in a day that matters not what time you eat them. Ok I may have hit a sticky patch just now, but I believe I would still have hit this plateau no matter what time I eat a meal :)
Now to get on with the next few weeks and really buckle down to getting things moving in the right direction again

Week 105: Saturday 1st March Weight = 164lbs...No Weigh in

As I was late updating last weeks journal entry I just realised the beginning of what I wrote in the last entry was what happened at the start of this week, so this will be a short entry as there isn't much left to report. :)
I have stuck rigidly to my 1250 calorie allowance this week and my exercise has gone to plan, so I am really pleased with that. TOM is definitely due, I have had all the telltale signs of a pretty bad one since monday, one day I couldn't fit comfortably into a pair of my regular working jerans, but yesterday they fit ok again and today they are fine too...I don't know if the vitamin B6 that I have been taking this month has had any effect, but I certainly don't feel as bloated as I normally do, but after saying that, I'll really just have to wait and see when TOM does arrive. and that should be today...but I never can be really sure :)
Last weeks entry covered up until thursday of this week. Thursday night my hubby and I went out for a drink with my sister and brother in law...it was my brother in laws birthday. We had a great night. I drank far too much diet coke...like 8 pints of the stuff and spent the whole night getting out of bed to use the bathroom...serves me right.but as I said it was a good night and well worth it.
Friday was a good day, I finished work at lunch time and then went and did my weekly shopping, I normally leave it until sunday and go sunday afternoon, but I decided to do it today, so that on sunday I can spend the afternoon having a real good workout, I may need to keep myself occupied then because I made the decision to take the doctors advice and not get on the scales for the next 2 weeks, you all know by now what I am like, so that is going to be very difficult for me. I have planned a shopping trip into town before my regular weigh in time, so I wont be around and wouldn't be able to get on the scales even if I wanted to. I am also going to drag through my wardrobe later in the afternoon and see what clothes I have left from the ones I am wearing in the photographs in my gallery. and then have my picture taken again wearing them now as a comparison....I know I have kept my pyjamas from before I started my diet, but I will not be having my picture taken wearing those yet...that is definitely one I want to save until I reach my final goal.
I feel very odd knowing I am not posting any weigh in, but in a way that has just made me more determined than ever to stick rigidly with my plan, it is like waiting for christmas again knowing I will be missing next weeks weigh in too, it is making it exciting again, having to wait to see how I have done. I admit I was starting to fret about it, but not half as much as I was about staying the same weight for so long. I started looking back through all my old issues of my slimming magazines to see how many other successful slimmers had the same plateau pproblems as I am having, and there are very few of them that actually mention it, and those that do only seem to have stuck the same for a couple of weeks and it is just mentioned very briefly...I am sure they can't all have found it so easy, but maybe the slimming magazines just don't think that is very encouraging to other people who are trying to lose weight...I for one would love to read about someone else in my shoes who has got to the stage of pulling her hair out by the roots, just to know I am not the only one. I will not give up though. I have come way too far and reaped too many benefits now to let this little hiccup stop me from going all the way :)

Week 106: Saturday 8th March Weight = 164lbs...No Weigh in

Well it was really strange having to keep myself away from home last saturday so that I wouldn't be tempted to get on the scales, but I am glad I did. I have no idea if I gained anything or not, but one thing I do know is that I dug out a pair of jeans that I bought months ago and couldn't get into, to try them on and they fit quite comfortably, so I was really pleased about that...I remember when I bought them and held them up, saying to my hubby, no matter what I weigh, when I can fit into these comfortably I will be very happy...hey, guess was, I can...and I'm not :)
Sometimes I could just slap myself....for the past few weeks all I seem to have done is whine... about not getting to goal when I want to, staying the same weight, gaining a few pounds with TOM, this roll of fat here, that bit of loose skin there. Well I really had my eyes opened on saturday afternoon, when I started looking back through my photo gallery to see what clothes I was wearing in the pictures and if I still had them. I remember every time I went to get my photograph taken, I felt so slim, yet now, when I look back at them I can see just how fat I was compared to now...I look a million times better now and I know I would have given anything back then to look like I do now...it just goes to prove that no matter what we do, there will always be something that we are never completely happy with.
It was great fun putting all those old clothes on again and feeling them falling off.If you haven't already been to my gallery there are a few new photographs posted there now of me wearing some of them :)
I also had great fun shopping too. I wandered around the charity shops and bought a jumper and a t-shirt for almost nothing both items were £6 ( just over $3 )...don't know why I haven't thought of doing that before. I will certainly be doing it a lot more often now :) I also bought a new fleece jacket from the store where my mate Dave works...it had been put in the ladies bargain section, but when I looked at the size label it was labeled as a childs age 15, I tried it on anyway and it also fit and of course was really cheap actually it was £5 (just under $3 ) what a bargain and also what a thrill I am now small enough to be able to buy some childrens clothes...whoohooo :)
On saturday night when I was getting ready to go to see my niece's play. I stood in the bedroom with my wardrobe open looking for something to wear. clothes were thrown all over the bed that I had dragged out, tried on and decided they werent suitable. When hubby stuck his head round the door to see how long I was going to be... I came out with the classic line..."I've got nothing to wear" :) He just collapsed onto the bed laughing...it was only earlier in the day that we had discussed buying some new bigger wardrobes as I now had so many clothes they were all squashed and there wasn't enough room for them all in the one we already have. He said he finds it totally unbelieveable that now that I am over half the size I used to be..my clothes take up more than twice the room.
When I think about it, before I would only have a few long baggy t-shirts a couple of skirts and a couple of pairs of leggings and I would wear the same things all the time...one reason, they were comfortable, but the main reason was I knew I didn't look any better in anything that I wore so I wouldn't bother even trying to buy anything nice, unless it was for a special occasion....these days clothes are much more fun...Before I would stick to black or very dark colours, but now I love looking around for bright things and I know they will look nice.
Hubby knows just how much I am enjoying finally being able to wear nice things, that he said while he is off work this week he will go out and get us 3 new wardrobes so that I have plenty of space...hehehe... I don't think it will take me very long to fill those either :)
Sunday I made a trip to the store to get a few things that I forgot on friday afternoon and then came home to settle down for the start of the new seasons world superbikes....sundays from now on will revolve around the tv while the racing is on :) after it had finished I did my workout and then got on with getting things ready for the following week.
Monday is usually our quietest day at work, but this week it was chaotic and I couldn't wait to get home. I ran around and got everything ready for the following day and then got on with my workout before our evening meal.
The evening I spent going through all the cupboards and wardrobe throwing things out that both of us have not worn for ages and will probably never wear again, in my case because they are way too big, in hubby's case, because they are old and worn out...He has always had a lot more clothes than me, I even found new t - shirts that he has had for years that were still in their original package...so the old stuff was binned and the new stuff opened and put away neatly until the new wardrobes come :)
TOM arrived with a vengeance on monday and I was pretty achy and bloated all day, but even tho I felt bloated, my clothes didn't feel much different, which is a good sign...I kept thinking about this weeks weigh in, telling myself that maybe I should just have a peek at the scales...hubby said NO WAY !!! he knows what I am like and how depressed I get if the scales don't say what I want them to say and he said he wasn't going to get them down off the cupboard for me until a week on saturday.
He said I am a great one for giving advice, but a bad one for taking it...he is so right :)
During TOM I am normally very irrational, no matter how much I tell myself that any weight gain is just fluid retention caused by it and not fat building up, I still manage to feel totally depressed about it and the temptation to eat and eat is overwhelming. I have managed to resist the temptation most of the time so far even though I have tried to talk myself out of it many times.
For some reason this month I don't seem as bad...well in fact so far I haven't had any irrational feelings at all.
Could it be the effects of the vitamin B6 I have been taking ...or the fact that all my clothes still fit perfectly well and I didn't feel bloated...or maybe it is because I have stayed off the scales and therefore have no idea if I have gained anything or not...whatever it is it got me to thinking about my feelings over the course of this diet.
I am always so focused and positive...I talk myself out of any temptations that are in my way most of the time but there have been times when I have given in. I have stood in the kitchen eating something I know will take me over my calorie allowance...I have heard myself saying ...you don't want to eat this...you know it will affect your weigh in ...and you know how disappointed you will feel when that time comes...I actually felt bad about eating it while I was eating it because of that, but still I carried on and in some cases I have actually eaten more and thought well I've ruined today now I may as well have more and make up for it tomorrow....then there have been times where I have just eaten and not given it a second thought at all...I just didn't care...TOM is a good example of that...I always get the craving for chocolate and no matter how much I eat at this time I never feel full, my stomach feels like a bottomless pit that just can't be filled.
most of the time I manage to talk myself out of eating by reminding myself of that fact...no matter how much I eat I wont be satisfied and a couple of days pigging out can ruin an entire weeks dieting efforts.
As I said thankfully this month I have done well so far and haven't really had any feelings like that, I am sure that being so close to my goal now and not being weighed last week and today has made a huge difference to that...I am totally focused on what I am doing I don't want to spoil it.
It just really got me thinking about how much our moods affect our abilities to resist or fall victim to those little temptation devils that sit on our shoulders ready to pounce when we are at our lowest.
On wednesday I saw someone I haven't seen for over 14 years, I recognised her straight away, she used to work with me for a short time when I was a veterinary nurse.....she had come to see my brother in law and had parked her car across the driveway blocking my sisters car in, so I went out to ask her to move it a little as she needed to get out to go and pick up some of the kids from school. I asked her if her name was Sue and she said yes...I said you don't rememeber me do you.... she stood there and looked at me and said ..well yes you look familiar, but I can't put a name to you or remember where I know you from, but don't tell me, give me a minute, I'll rememeber...while she was thinking I asked her to move her car a little so my sister could get out. as she was doing that my sister appeared at the door telling me there was a phone call for me so I had to come back indoors, when I came back out, She had been called away to work and I didn't get a chance to speak to her again, but my brother in law said she asked him before she left if it was me and she couldn't believe it when he said yes...he said she didn't actually recognise me, the only reason she thought it could have been me was because she remembered everyone else from work and knew I wasn't any of the others, I was the only other person she could think of, he said she was totally amazed when he said yes it was me, because as she put it, the last time she saw me I was huge and now I was a stick insect....Well I don't think I am actually a stick insect, but I can understand why I must look that way to someone who hasn't seen me for so long.....what a great feeling to only be recognised through a process of illimination .
My new wardorbes arrive today, so this morning and for probably most of the afternoon I will be sorting out space for them, it will give me a chance to have a real good sort out, time for everything that is too old or that will never be worn again to go... that will make space for lots of new stuff :)...I was supposed to have done that the other night as I said earlier, and I thought I had, but last night I took a jumper out to wear that I thought would still fit, but it drowned me... I am a little sad about that because I love the jumper, never mind...just have to go out and buy one the same but in a much smaller size....I think I need to try everything on before it goes into the new wardrobes, there is no point putting things back just because I like them if they don't fit anymore...sorting everything out today should keep me occupied enough through weigh in time ....off to see Donny Osmond in concert tonight too, so this afternoon I will also be kept busy getting ready to go to that :)

Week 107: Saturday 15th March Weight = 163bs Weight Loss = 1lb

Well it didn't turn out to be too difficult to keep my mind off not being weighed last saturday. My new wardrobes arrived at 10.30am. As we are short of room, we couldn't empty the old one and the other cupboards that were in the places the new wardrobes were going until they arrived, because we just wouldn't have had anywhere to put everything. When they arrived we emptied everything and then piled it high on the bed. Once they were all in place I got ruthless and tried on everything before it got put into the new wardrobes...if it was too big it was binned. By the time I was finished it was almost 4.30pm and time to get ready for the Donny Osmond concert.
That was totally amazing...he was brilliant. There was a guy sat at the side of me that had brought his wife, he quite obviously did not want to be there and he sat with his arms and legs crossed and said he wouldn't sing, he wouldn't dance and he wouldn't clap, by half way through the concert he had done all three and admitted at the end he had thoroughly enjoyed it, but he wasn't going to admit it to his mates :)
On sunday I spent the whole day trying to sort out the rest of my bedroom. I collect teddybears and a lot of them were sitting on top of the old cupboards, the new wardrobes are a lot taller than the cupboards and there wasn't as much space, I eventually managed to get them all a nice new home on top of them and packed a few more onto shelves, there was only one that I couldn't find room for because he is so big, he now has to live on the bed while I am not in it and when I am he will just have to sit on my computer chair. :)
Monday was so qiuet at work I popped out during the morning to buy my son some new shirts for school...couldn't help myself, I spotted a pair of size 12 trousers that I loved, I've been looking at them for a while, but they were too expensive...well the store they were in had put out all their new season range at the weekend and these trousers had been put on the bargain rail...I can't resist a bargain so I bought them. I couldn't wait to get home to try them on to see how much longer it was going to take before I could wear them....answer, not very long...I can get into them and fasten them, but they are too tight to wear comfortably just yet...it should only take a month or so tho before they fit ok, providing I have no disasters with my diet plan :)
It seems to be getting to my goal weight that I have been focussing on for ages now, but having those trousers sitting in my wardrobe has given me a little something extra to aim for...it always seems to help when it is something like that I am aiming for....it isn't that losing weight each week is not important, it is just that once I've been on the scales and seen the result, the moment is passed, getting into something new leaves me feeling good all the time I am wearing it.
After a few days of being quiet at work, Tuesday was back to the normal chaos, toddlers fighting over toys, babies not sleeping when you want them to...I was worn out by home time :)
All I wanted to do was sit down in front of the computer, play Asherons call and relax. I logged on only to find they were having major server problems and microsoft had issued a warning that until they had resolved the problems it would be advisable not to play :( What better excuse did I need to get a good workout done. Half way through it I got a phone call from my friend Carl who I used to go to school with, confirming all the arrangements for our high school reunion on friday evening and saying he was going to call round on wednesday for a coffee.
I finished my workout and then had a quick clean around, the house wasn't too untidy for a change, mainly because when the new wardrobes arrived on saturday I went around the house like a mad woman :) but the clean laundry had started to pile up, I've been ignoring the ironing, hoping someone else would take pity on me and make a start...not a chance...so I spent the whole evening ironing and putting it all away...I don't mind ironing...its putting it all away after that I hate, but just like when I don't really feel like doing a workout and do one anyway I feel really good after it...thats pretty much how I felt when I had finished ironing and it was all neatly stacked away.
I also got an email from the editor of slimming magazine...I sent one to them in response to a letter that they published asking for readers views on somthing and also decided to ask for a little advice on my static weight. She was very helpful indeed and said if I sent her exact details of my diet and exercise routine she would be able to advise me better, she also said she would be encouraging me to enter slimmer of the year 2004 later this year...as you all probably already know...I feel the best reward for all my effort is reaching my goal and being fit and healthy, but it was an honour to have someone from slimming magazine tell me I should enter...I will give it some consideration.
Wednesday went by really quickly, probably because for most of the morning I wasn't in work, I had an appointment for a check up at the dentist and by the time I had got back it was already lunch time. the afternoons always seem to go really quickly.I was looking forward to getting home because my friend Carl was coming . I haven't seen him for over 15 years...we had a great evening reminiscing about our school days and making arrangements to meet up on friday for our school reunion that he has organised.
Friday was a great night, the school reunion was brilliant and loads of people turned up, it was great to see everyone again after so long, it is amazing how much people have changed, but were still recognisable even after so long. One of our old teachers even turned up which was really nice...he is still teaching at our old school and filled us in on what the rest of our teachers were now doing. He even brought a list with him with everyones name on it that was in our year and a list of all the teachers...it was understandable to see a couple of the names who are no longer with us on the teachers list...but it was also very sad to see a couple from our own list. After we left the pub, a group of us came back to my house and we sat up until around 4.30am just talking...it was really a great night and I didn't want it to end...we are trying to plan a meal out on the 6th April just before Carl goes back to Australia which should be great too.
I was really aprehensive about getting on the scales today. the last time I weighed I had just increased my calories to 1250 a day and I had gained 3lbs and was back up to 164lbs.....I was worried because if I had gained any more I wouldn't be sure if it was the increase in calories or if it was the after effects of TOM....Well the scales said a loss of 1lb, down to 163lbs....This is quite obvioulsy the reason the doctor told me I had to ignore the scales for the past couple of weeks and start again from scratch today.....I am feeling pretty good about actually seeing a loss from the last time I got weighed....I think that is probably a good sign that increasing my calories hasn't caused me to gain weight, if it had I would not be showing a loss from the last time I was weighed...so now it is all ahead from here, carrying on at 1250 calories a day and we will see what happens next week.

Week 108: Saturday 22nd March Weight = 162bs Weight Loss = 1lb

I was absolutely worn out on saturday after the late night on friday...it's my age you know...I just can't take the pace anymore :)
I had an early night, well early for me I was in bed just after midnight and had every intention of having a lie in on sunday morning...other people had other ideas, the phone never stopped ringing from 8am...I swear it was a conspiracy...9 phone calls in the space of 10 minutes..sheesh, I was up and about by 8.30am there was no point staying in bed after that I was wide awake. I got up and did my work out early then got on with the laundry and getting things ready for the week ahead. in the afternoon I went shopping to stock up on fresh veggies and then had a lazy evening playing Asherons Call on the computer.
I have been extra good with my diet, gone back to basics and made sure I weighed everything and wrote everything down. I have even juggled around with my exercise to make sure my body wasn't getting used to what I was doing.
On monday we took the kids to the park and I had a lot of exercise that I wouldn't normally have got, I pushed them so long on the rings and swings I was sweating and aching when they got off...couldn't resist having a go on the slide and swings myself too.
I did my usual workout when I got home while dinner was cooking. Well it certainly does seem to have confused my body again because although TOM only finished last wednesday, monday it decided to make another appearance, thats always a good sign my body is confused I just hoped it would be all over and done with for this weeks weigh in.Which thankfully it was, it only hung around for the day.
Tuesday was one of those days when I just didn't feel like being at work. It is normally busy on a tuesday, and that makes the time pass quickly, however this week it wasn't very busy at all even though we still had the same number of kids that we normally have.
When I got home I started to get the evening meal ready and then got on with my workout. I had almost finished, just one more minute left to do on the stepper machine when I got a phonecall from the friend from Australia asking me to go out again for a drink with a bunch of old school friends that hadn't been able to make it to the reunion....so off I went galavanting again.
I got home at 2am in the morning ...I had to have something to eat because I didn't bother before I went out, I just grabbed a couple of sandwiches and some crisps, along with my bedtime chocolate biscuit and chocolate drink....somehow I managed to keep my calories to the right amount, only because I used normal bread instead of weight watchers and I had normal crisps instead of the low calorie corn curls that I normally have. Needless to say the alarm this morning went off much to early and I knew I was going to be tired all day. I had to run around since I got up getting all the stuff ready for mine and sebastians lunches, something I normally do the night before :)
It was a good night again though and worth it, and now we have another night planned for next week...its a good job carl goes back to Australia in 3 weeks time, if this became a habit, I would be permanently shattered :)
Wednesday was even quieter in the afternoon half the kids were away some went home early some were off sick and a couple were at gymnastics so we were left with 2 babies that slept all afternoon...My sister went shopping and when she got back she told me to go out for a couple of hours, so I called hubby coz he was off work this week and we went into town to do some shopping...He bought me yet more new clothes...told you I was going to fill these new wardrobes very quickly....I was over the moon too...he bought me 2 coats one short jacket and one longer jacket and a top...all size 12's whooohooo my first size 12's that fit perfectly :) he also bought me a new pair of trainers, my old ones had started to fall apart. I have spent so much on clothes lately I just keep forgetting my feet they needed a treat too :)
I was on such a high with the size 12's I decided that today I would go into town again and look through the charity shops...the only problem with that was that I arranged to meet my friend from work....which meant I left the house before my regular weigh in time...I got on the scales before I left but that was 3 hours earlier than it should have been....the scales still said 163lbs the same as last week....however, when I got home I weighed myself again, which was actually 3 hours later than I normally get weighed and the scales said 161lbs making a loss of 2lbs....Well as my first weigh in was 3 hours early and my second was 3 hours late I decided to split the difference and call it a 1lb loss this week...I always weigh heavier in the mornings when I have just got up so I am confident that I did lose something this week, but I don't think it is fair to put down the full 2lbs that the scales showed on my second weigh in as it was so much later than it should have been...plus if the scales don't agree next week I would be more disappointed than I normally am...especially as TOM is due again next week...this time it is its regualr visit not the unexpected one like earlier in the week. :(
I am looking forward to next week, now that I have seen 161lbs on the scale again I am filled with enthusiasm again to reach my goal instead of the dread that I have been feeling over the past few weeks with my fluctuating weight.

Week 109: Saturday 29th March Weight = 160bs Weight Loss = 2lbs

I had a great time shopping last saturday...I got loads of new clothes for next to nothing and some gorgeous new satin trousers...In the evening we were going out with my brother and sister in law because it was his birthday so I had the perfect opportunity to wear them...I was pleased with them, but they are very figure hugging and I was worried they would show off all my flabby bits...everyone said I looked great and I even got whistled at in the pub, so I guess I didn't look as bad as I thought I did :)
I even bought a new top from the childrens section again...I just loved the colour...I thought it may be too small as I always seem to do when I look at clothes, but nope...another perfect fit.
I know I keep going on about this, but it just seems so strange to me that when I look in the mirror, of course I can see I have lost a lot of weight, but I still obvioulsy don't see myself as small as I actually am...when I hold up clothes and look at how small they are, I am still totally amazed when I put them on and they fit...this is a feeling I wont ever get fed up of feeling :)
On sunday afternoon hubby took me out shopping again...lol..this is really starting to become fun....he took me to buy some new underwear from a very exclusive shop...you can tell just how upmarket this place is, they wrap all your lingerie in tissue paper, put it in a bag with scented beads and give you your receipt in a sealed envelope...I could definitely get used to shopping in a place like that...think we may have to win the lottery though...he spent more on 2 pairs of panties from this shop than he we both spent on all the other clothes we bought last week put together :) but they are beautiful :)
I have waited years to be able to buy and wear something from a shop like that...yet another dream coming true.
On Tuesday morning God turned the lights on much too early again and he made my alarm clock lie...it started making noises saying 6am Tuesday 25th of March and I knew it was still only saturday....hmmm could that maybe because I was out with carl and the gang again ?
I got a phonecall at 3.30pm telling me they were all meeting and I had to be there for 6pm...no chance of that but I was there for 7pm...needed plenty of time to get myself beautified :) we started off in the pub and because it was such a lovelly night we decided to have a drive round to all our old haunts and see how much they have changed...omg, what a shock some of that was...our most favourite spot just wasn't there anymore, they had built a housing estate on it...some of the places were just derelict and looked like an old bomb site and one place that was really just a big field with one tree in the middle that we used to hang a rope from and swing off now has a night club ...our tree has gone :(
It was qute sad really to see some of the places, but it was also great fun being back there with all the old mates, just like we were kids again.
we got plenty of exercise too we all did a lot of walking and climbing which wasn't easy in high boots...at one point there was a wall that we had to climb over...I knew I could easily climb it, but one of the lads said I would get dirty and he picked me up and lifted me over...we both laughed our heads off because as he said when we were kids I was so big I would probably have had to lift him over because he wouldn't have been able to lift me....When he picked me up he said I felt lighter than his 14 year old daughter...it was such a great night, yet another one I really didn't want to end, but as we remember from last week I am no spring chicken anymore and I had to be up for work early in the morning, so at midnight I made my way home...my meal was all ready to eat when I got through the door because I made it before I left...I'm pretty glad I did too because if I hadn't I would either have eaten nothing or just grabbed a sandwich and gone to bed...neither of those options would have been very good.
Now that I have my scales back I jumped on them every morning and every morning until wednesday they said 162lbs on wednesday morning they said 165lbs and on thursday they said 168lbs...yes I know it is quite obvioulsy fluid retention caused by the iminent arrival of TOM, but no matter how hard I tried I got myself into a real state about it.
I stood and looked at myself in the mirror and I look no different apart from the fact that my boobs looked as though they had increased by around 2 sizes...hubby wasn't complaining about that :)My clothes still fit perfectly in fact my jeans actually felt looser...faced with the fact that I look no differtent and that is what really counts, why do I let myself get so depressed. I know part of the problem is just knowing 161lbs is the lowest I have been and it has now become almost as important to just get below that as it is to reach my final goal, and with the arrival of TOM to spoil things I have to wait another whole week before I stand any sort of chance of seeing any loss at all. I have been having a real pity party this week. I should just be proud of what I have achieved so far, I am now fit and healthy and slim. This is what I have always wanted...but am I ?.....NO!!!!
If anyone out there wants to come over and slap some sense into me please feel free :)
I do think I am whining ..in fact I know I am, but I also know you understand why..it is just really frustrating. last night, I sat down and had a good long think, I looked back over loads of emails that I have received and messages on the 3fc messageboard...the support and understanding I get from them is unbelievable. I think as well as being disappointed in myself, I feel disappointed that I am not posting a loss to show everyone that I am getting there...when the truth is what I am going through is probably just proving I am human and that it isn't as easy as it has appeared to be so far.
Some one actually told me a while ago that I was lucky to find it so easy to lose weight and it really got me into thinking about that...I haven't found it easy at all, it has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, but when I read back through my journal I can understand why people would think that. many times I have been feeling down and have struggled, but rather than write that down I have not bothered because I thought it may put people off carrying on themselves...when in fact it probably proves that I am just like everyone else and maybe it would help them to see that I haven't always found it easy...and Yes, I do have the same struggles as everyone else...but I am still carrying on...I will get there...I am more determined than ever not to let this get the better of me...I would say I am gaining more strength each day...those scales are like the red rag to a bull...I will show them and have the last laugh.
It also just goes to show me yet again why I should NOT!!!! get on the scales so often...when todays weigh in time arrived, the scales showed a loss of 2lbs...I have finally broken that 161lb barrier that has been standing in my way since christmas, even with the iminent arrival of TOM, judging by the way I feel this morning that is likely to be in the next couple of days...So I have put myself through hell and misery since wednesday all for nothing.
I am feeling really good about this weigh in just because it was a good one and with TOM being so close now I really feel as though I have started to move again two weeks running I have showed a loss and that is with increasing my calories back up to 1250 a day :).
I can feel another shopping trip coming on this afternoon :)

Week 110: Saturday 5th April Weight = 159lbs Weight Loss = 1lb

Well I was right, a shopping trip did come on last week after my weigh in...I was just so over the moon with finally breaking that 161lb barrier, I just couldn't think of anything better to do than go out and treat myself. I bought a leather suit, trousers and jacket size 12...the jacket fits perfectly, but the trousers are still a little tight so I have hung them in my wardrobe for another few weeks. The one thing I have noticed over the past 3 months...even though I have been stuck at the same weight, I have still gone down a dress size...my exercise routine is obvioulsy still working well and even if losing this last 6lbs doesn't get me into those trousers I am very confident that my toning exercises will.
I also bought a pair of knee high boots...now that is yet another dream come true...I have never in my life been able to find boots like that to fit me, my legs have always been too fat.
I went out on saturday night with my sister in law and I was telling her how thrilled I was to finally be able to walk into a shoe shop and buy a pair of knee high boots, she looked at me as though I was mad...she Knew I had difficulty buying clothes to fit before I lost weight but she just had no idea that also meant I found buying shoes difficult and boots impossible.
That is yet another thing people who have always been slim take for granted.
Unless someone has been in the same situation, I really don't think they can ever truely understand the difficulties we face when we are so much overweight.
I am cherishing every single little thing that I can do now...I think I appreciate even the smallest things a lot more than anyone. Things people who have always been slim take for granted and never give a second thought to doing...when I do them I feel like I have done the most wonderful thing in the world, and I know I will always remember when those things were so difficult for me and in some cases impossible to do.

Hubby and I are big fans of the world superbikes and last week the racing was from Philip Island in Australia which meant the program didn't start until 5am sunday morning...I was out on saturday night and decided to stay up and set the video so that hubby could watch it when he got home from work...The program was late starting and didn't come on until 5.45am. I set the video and then went straight up to bed.
Sunday was mothers day and my hubby and son woke me up before hubby went to work at 7.45am to give me my card and present...I am one of those people that once I am awake I can't go back to sleep again especially if the sun is shining...which it was. so all day sunday I walked around like a zombie...I intended to have an early night that night, but by the time I had messed around and got everything ready for Monday it was already 12.30 before I was getting into bed.

Monday morning I still felt tired, but not as bad as I thought I would, I managed to get up as soon as the alarm went off. No early night Monday night either...I was going out with Carl and the gang again.
I don't learn do I ? :)
Well monday morning came and TOM still hadn't arrived...I am now changing my mind...I think maybe those vitamin B6 and B complex that I am taking must be having some effect, as the scales showed a loss last week and monday morning they still said 160lbs...I did feel achy and crampy like I always do when TOM is due, but I didn't feel bloated and puffy like normal.
I really do hope that next weeks weigh in sees me in the 150's, but I tried not to think about that all week. And I promised myself faithfully that after monday morning I would not get on the scales until this weeks weigh in time...yeah right...lets see how long did that last
Tom arrived on monday afternoon, I didn't feel up to going out on monday night, but I had arranged to go out with the gang yet again. So I pulled myself together and got ready. I grabbed a quick sandwich before I left and intended to be home early enough to eat my main meal which was all ready and waiting in the fridge.
Of course it didn't happen that way, I didn't get home until 2.15am and I was completely exhausted...I still ate my meal though, at one point I was in severe danger of falling asleep with my face in my plate :) I really am going to have to stop this mid week galavanting. On tuesday I walked around like a zombie again all day.
On Wenesday morning I got an email from a friend who is really struggling with losing weight...I know exactly how she is feeling because as you all know I have been there.
She is so down on herself because she feels this is the hardest thing she has ever had to do and she feels she can't do it, even if she managed to lose weight she doesn't think she would be able to keep it off.
Well I will vouch for that, it has definitely been the hardest thing I have ever had to do...especially now that I am so close to goal. but in many respects I am glad it has been...if it had been all plane sailing and I had lost the weight and reached my goal without any problems at all...I really don't think I would stay there for very long...the temptation to slide back to old eating habits would be too great because I would just think, oh well, I can get rid of it again pretty quickly and easily...at least this way, knowing just how hard it has been to get these last few pounds off will stop me from thinking that way...once I am at goal, I want to stay there, I don't ever want to have to go through all these weeks of agony trying to lose just a few pounds again.
A lot of overweight people think that if they were slim life would be ok...the same old problems will still crop up in everyday life and losing weight will never stop that happening, but what I have noticed is that it has given me more confidence to be able to deal with those things better than I used to.
I am sure most overweight people who are struggling to lose weight will probably identify with this.

Well believe it or not, it lasted all week. I was a complete angel and stayed away from the scales until todays official weigh in. I noticed though that when I was jumping on the scales every day even though I saw my weight go up and down, I was at least semi prepared to see a gain at my official weigh in time...this week I had no idea what the scales would say and I was very nervous about it...I had sort of prepared myself to see a gain because TOM is here, but I was dreading to see it be a big gain.
I had no need to worry at all.To say I was ecstatic when I got on the scales today would be an understatement...TOM is here and I have still managed to lose 1lb...I would actually have been thrilled to maintain this week, but obviously I am delighted to have lost. No shopping trip today though to celebrate...hehehe...I did that yesterday :)
Tonight I am going out for my second high school reunion...well, I needed something new to wear for it...didn't I :)

Week 111: Saturday 12th April Weight = 158lbs Weight Loss = 1lb

I still can't get over just how fantastic I felt last week after losing weight when TOM was here. It may only have been a pound, but just because it happened when it did, I couldn't have felt any better even if it had been more. I really was feeling great.

We had been having a few problems over the week before with our cable TV and I called the company and got them to send an engineer out to have a look at it on saturday morning...the same company also supply my internet connection. After the engineer had left I rushed up the stairs to update my journal to tell you all just how pleased I was with my loss, but what did I find...NO internet connection. I tried all the usual things, resetting the cable box, rebooting my computer, but nothing...I called my mate Dave and he came round to have a look...thus started the constant stream of phone calls to the engineers and a very long weekend trying to get it sorted.
Well it was a long weekend of trying for my mate Dave all I did was sit and watch what he was doing while I got ready for my second reunion on saturday night.
As I was leaving to go out, my son came over to the car and asked me where I was going all dressed up...I just said out...if I hadn't been wearing high heels I would have got out of the car chased him and kicked his butt...The cheeky little monster said. don't be too late home mum, just remember your not a young chicken anymore :)
Well, What another brilliant night it was...we all met in the pub quite a lot of people werent there because we found out it was one of the lads birthdays and he was having a party...apparently we had all been told about it at the last reunion...I must have been told as well but I either didn't hear or I had forgotten. Carl had told me about it on the friday evening when he called to make sure I was still going. After a while we decided to go on to the party. There were loads of people there that hadn't managed to make it to our last reunion and the compliments were overwhelming. One girl in particular actually came over and said she thought I looked fantastic and had to eat her words and apologise for all the names she had called me when we were at school...The funny thing is, I don't ever remember her calling me anything and always seemed to get on with her really well. When I asked her about it, she said she called me a lot, but always behind my back, never to my face because she was scared I would hit her.
I finally got home from that night out at 7am sunday morning, I jumped straight into bed for 3 hours and got up again at 10am to get ready for my meal out with everyone.....reunion number 3 :) this was really arranged to say goodbye to Carl as he heads back to Australia this weekend.
When I was ready to leave. my son asked me where I was going again...I just said out again. he said...what again, what time did you get home this morning....I told him it was very late or very early whichever way you wanted to look at it. He said and going out again already, just remember what I said last night, your not a young thing anymore...I swear, he is a 14 year old going on 40 :)
The meal was great...I had my usual plain chicken salad and jacket potato and it was delicious and obviously well within my calorie allowance.
Carl and his wife were starting to get a bit worried about getting home, because of this SARS outbreak, the Australian government have been telling people they would not be allowed back into the country if they had been to singapore and they are due to spend 4 nights in singapore on their way home. They wouldn't know what exactly would happen until monday when they could contact the airline and find out what arrangements they are making. I don't think either of them would be too disappointed if they have to stay here a little longer.
When we got home, My mate Dave started to try again to get my internet connection back...the last phone call he made to the engineers wasn't at all helpful, they insisted that everything was ok as far as the connection was concerned and that the problems sounded to be computer problems and not problems with their servers...eventually, he called one of his friends who asked if there was anyway we could connect my computer to the internet using someone elses connection...I can't believe neither of us thought of that in the first place...he disconnected my computer and we took it round to his house and connected it up to his isp....voila...instant connection...proving there was absolutely nothing wrong with my computer. I got all my journal updates done and answered all my emails while it was connected there and then brought it back home. Dave was going to call the engineers back for me when he got home from work on monday morning, but as soon as he reconnected it back up here it connected straight away...the only thing we can think is that whatever happened to cause me to lose connection in the first place for some reason it kept keeping a strange IP address which was obviously the wrong one and it couldn't connect to their servers to get issued with a new one and that must have been stored somewhere in the registry...connecting it to Daves IP address must have overwritten it with the new correct ip address. Well whatever it was I was just so happy to have my connection back. I may be crabby and frustrated when I am staying the same weight but nowhere near as crabby as I am when I have no internet connection :)
Monday was a nice relaxing day, it was fairly quiet at work and the weather was beautiful I spent the afternoon playing in the garden with the kids, they really love being outside and I love being in the sun too, It makes even more of a difference to be able to sit in the sun wearing a skimpy t-shirt now instead of having to wear a big baggy thing that just made me sweat and feel uncomfortable. I can now run around and play with the kids where before I would be sitting in a chair just watching what was going on feeling hot sticky and miserable...Now I feel like I am really living, not just existing.
Tuesday night was fun...not !!! when I got home from work I switched the car engine off and left the keys in the ignition, I told my son not to lock my door because I was just going to open the house door and get my shopping out of the car. when I got back to the car, he was already out and yes...you guessed it, he had locked all the doors. I came back in and rang my hubby at work, who just fell about laughing, he thought it was hillarious and he said it would be easy to get them out and not to worry he would do it when he got home. which it was...2 minutes it took him to get the door open. I don't know how he did it because I was inside, but whatever he did makes me wonder why the hell we spent so much money on an alarm for it. I am certain if he can get into it so easily, so could anyone who wanted to steal it.
I went for another quick jog Tuesday night before my workout, still not going very far, but I did go a little further than last time...everything extra is a bonus :)
I then spent the evening downloading songs on the internet before having an early night...I'm actually missing my midweek night out :(
Friday morning Carl phoned me again to tell me he had rearranged his flight back to Australia, but oh dear, it meant he had to stay here for another week, so I will be having another midweek night out again after all :)
I have been a complete angel again this week too. I have not been on the scales at all since last weeks weigh in. This morning I had to go and do a child and infant first aid course and I didn't think I would be home in time for my regular weigh in time, but thankfully I was and the scales showed another 1 pound lost...it is getting so frustratingly close now...just 4lbs away from goal, but I actually don't mind now just so long as I keep showing a loss each week, even if it's only a pound I am quite happy for it to take another 4 weeks...after all what is 4 weeks after doing this for over 2 years.
I am almost there :)

Week 112: Saturday 19th April Weight = 156lbs Weight Loss = 2lbs

After last weekend. I didn't feel as though I had had a break and monday morning arrived with me finding myself already back to work.
Saturday morning I had to be up at my usual time because I was doing a child and infant first aid course in the afternoon I did the usual house cleaning and had a really good workout...I was really motivated after being weighed and finding another pound gone ...now only 4lbs to go:)
it is an incredible feeling to be this close.....Sunday night for the first time in ages I got my folder out that I keep all my old daily record sheets in and the one I put my stars on the front of...I got to put another star on it last week, There are now 28 stars on there and only one space left for my last star. I sat there looking at it for ages and asking myself if it has really been that hard. The answer is well yes and no...for most of the time it has been quite easy, but there have been some difficult times along the way...you know the usual boredom, or times when I have been a bit down, but especially the past few months when the dreaded plateau stage hit. I would say that was probably the hardest time, I knew I was doing everything right, but I just wasn't seeing the scale say what I wanted it to say. I also knew that I just needed to keep on going. The encouragement and support I got from the 3fc site and emails is the one thing that has kept me on track and for that I will be eternally grateful :)
Sunday morning I was up early again because we decided to give sebastian his birthday presents then instead of monday even though his birthday wasn't until monday. The reason behind that was because he was at school on monday and it never felt as special a day when I was a kid going to school on my birthday.
In the afternoon I ran around doing the shopping, got back and put all the laundry in then got on a cooked a birthday tea. In between times I had another very enjoyable workout...I was really motivated this week...if I carry on going the way I am going I will hit goal in 4 weeks, but if I try a little bit harder I may get there sooner :)
Mark bought me a full length mirror on saturday so now I can actually see all of myself at the same time. It is a really weird feeling seeing how I look now ...but a great feeling too...I can understand now why people don't recognise me...I just look so different, but that was the point all along. It is a fantastic feeling tho.
It was a great day on Tuesday. My sisters friend came to visit...I haven't seen her for over a year and she was really amazed when she saw me. I haven't seen her daughter since she was about 5 years old and she is now 16 she came along too and she just didn't believe that I was the same person she remembered.
The weather here has been so beautiful for the past few days and it has been fantastic to be able to walk around wearing tiny t-shirts. and run around and play games with the kids especially in the heat. Before I would just sit in a chair and melt away, feeling hot sweaty and very uncomfortable...but now I am full of energy and I could easily keep up with the kids...I can't tell you just how good that feels.
Not that I had much energy on wednesday...Carl phoned me tuesday night when I got home from work and asked me to go out...definitely for the last time this time before he flew back home to Australia on thursday. So once again it was around 1.30am before I got in and then I had my evening meal so it was after 2 when I was going to bed. It was a great night again even though it was a little sad to think that in 2 days time he would be 12000 miles away again...no more calls midweek saying we are all going to the pub meet us there. Although the others we have gone out with will still be around I probably wont be going out with them as Carl was really the only one who got us all together and even when we were out we just seemed to talk to each other and didn't really have much in common with the others. That sounds terrible, but I think the main reason for that is that me and Carl were so close as kids, we lived almost next door to each other and obviously we have more than just school memories in common.
I felt really good when I was going out too....I had a black dress in the wardrobe, a little string strap type, but it had been pushed to the back because it is only a size 12 and it has been much too tight. As it was such a lovely evening I decided to try it on...it fit perfectly. I thought it might still cling in places as it is quite a fitted dress, but it didn't :)
I was always wearing stretch clothes before and I know what it is like when you just can't fit into anything that you used to be able to wear. although it is great when you start to lose a bit of weight and you can get back into them again, but you know what the best feeling in the world is....when you put on a pair of those stretch pants and they are baggy...I remember when I was a size 22 I bought a pair of stretch leggings in a size 18...I felt so good when I could get into them even though they were probably stretched to the limit...I always wear them when I am getting weighed...now I have to hold them up when I put them on and I can only wear them for getting weighed. I could wear something different now, but as they have been pretty much what I have worn for so long it doesn't make sense to change now until I reach goal and as I am so close I am not going to bother :)
My sister in law gave me a couple of Tae bo videos on tuesday night to try out...I have heard a lot of people talking about Tae bo but have never seen it so I thought I would have a look...unfortunately they are imported videos from America and my video player doesn't support the coding format so they wouldn't play. I found the same videos for download on the site that I download my music from so before I went out I started to download them....They were finished when I got home but it was too late to look at them...I had a quick look before I went to work on wednesday and they looked pretty good...I will definitely be giving them a try ...The video quality isn't brilliant, but it is good enough to watch and follow the exercises. And it will definitely make a change to add to my routine.
Thursday was quite a sad day because it was the day Carl went back to Australia. he called in to work for a coffee and to say goodbye before he left. I am really going to miss him and our midweek nights out. He is planning to come back over here again for another visit in 2 years, but I am going to try to save up enough to go over and see him over there next year.
I had been looking forward to Friday all week because I had the day off for the easter holiday and I was going to have a lie in bed and a very lazy morning...well it didn't turn out that way. My sister in law phoned on thursday evening to ask if my son wanted to go for a day out with her daughter and her mates...hubby took the call and arranged for me to drop him off at their house on friday morning...so much for my lie in...I was really annoyed when I got there because my sister in law had said she would have been happy to pick him up and had told my hubby that...needless to say, he wasn't in my good books at all...He did make ammends a little by buying me a teddy bear holding a clock for my easter present because he knew I wouldn't want an easter egg.
After I had dropped offmy son, I called down at my sisters to drop off her kids easter eggs and then popped into the supermarket to get a few bits and pieces.
In the afternoon I picked up my mate Dave and we went off to the garden centres to have a look round and as the weather was so nice we stopped off at a pub on the way home.
I was feeling much better by then so I came home and got straight on with a real good work out which I thoroughly enjoyed.
I woke up early again this morning and got straight on with my workout, then cleaned the house before weigh in time. I was thrilled to see the scale show another 2lbs lost this week. I can't believe I am just 2lbs away from my final goal now. I will be trying really really hard this coming week, however I go away for the weekend next friday so I will have to miss next weeks weigh in. I am disappointed about that, but there isn't much I can do about it. I will still just keep on doing what I have been doing and wait and see what happens then, TOM will be due at my next weigh in too :( that is also disappointing, but last month it didn't make any difference I still managed to lose, so I will be keeping my fingers crossed the same thing happens this month.

Week 113: Saturday 26th April Weight = No weigh in Away for the weekend

I felt really good after last weeks weigh in, as I said a couple of weeks ago, I would have been happy just to see a pound lost each week now until I reach goal, but losing 2lbs was just fantastic. It is really funny how when I have a good weight loss everything else seems to make me feel happy too. When I am feeling so good, it takes a lot to dampen my spirits.
Although I didn't do very much over the easter weekend I still had a good time. I had 2 really good workouts on sunday and monday....even exercising is so much more fun and not an effort at all when I feel good.
My mum and dad came over on sunday to bring my sons easter eggs...I of course didn't get any...hubby bought me a teddy bear holding a clock, which is absolutely adorable...and although the house has been full of easter eggs I haven't been in the slightest bit tempted at all....could only being 2lbs away from goal have anything to do with that do you think? :)
On Monday morning I was determined to have a lie in, I gave strict instructions to everyone that they had not to phone and whoever woke me up should run for their lives...I opened my eyes at 7.30 am and I was wide awake no matter how much I tried to go back to sleep I just couldn't. So I gave in and got up....I did my workout straight away and really enjoyed it.I then got on with getting everything ready for work on Tuesday. I really wasn't looking forward to going back, but at least it was just a short week this week.
Tuesday wasn't too bad a day at work, it was a bit quieter than I would have liked it to be...when things are so quiet the days really drag on and all I wanted to do was get home and get on with my workout. I started it as soon as I got home. Once again I enjoyed every minute of it. :)
Thursdsay was a really good day, I got up early and did my workout the only thing I missed was my time on the stepper machine, but I deliberately left doing that so I could do it while my tea was cooking. However in the afternoon it was so quiet at work I decided to take one of the babies for a walk to get him off to sleep. I walked for almost 4 miles which was thoroughly enjoyable until the heavens opened and I got soaked to the skin and freezing cold by the time I got back...I couldn't wait to get home...instead of using the stepper I put myself into a nice hot bath while my tea was cooking...I figured after that walk I didn't need to go on the stepper machine at all.
I must have used a lot more muscles walking and pushing a buggy than I do on the stepper anyway...I was also walking for longer than I would normally use the stepper for and by early evening I had really started to stiffen up...I decided an early night was in order especially as friday I was going away and knew it would be a busy day :)
Friday finally arrived and I just had to have a sneaky peak at the scales...I put my usual weigh in clothes on and got weighed at exactly the same time I would on a saturday. I'm not going to say what I weighed because it can't be taken as official so watch this space next week, but a small hint I am going away later today a very very happy little bunny :)

Week 114: Saturday 3rd May Weight = 152lbs Weight Loss = 4lbs

Saturday 10th May

This week has been a very strange week. After weighing measuring and counting calories on everything I have eaten and drunk over the past 2 years I decided I would allow myself a little freedom and see just how much I have learnt. I have still weighed and measured everything I have eaten, but that was mainly because it has just become a habit, but I haven't counted my calories up until I have been going to bed at night. I have been really pleased with how well I have done...only one day did I actually make a mess of things and that was because I thought there were more calories in something I had than there actually were so I ended up that day not eating enough. I did however make up for it the next day.
TOM was over a week late this month and that is usually a very good sign that when it does arrive I am going to have a big weight gain...well it finally arrived on tuesday. When I got out of bed I felt so bloated and achy I knew straight away I was going to have trouble getting into my normal clothes and sure enough I was right. I was back wearing size 16's because my 12's and 14's just wouldn't go anywhere near...I didn't want to see exactly how much fluid I was retaining so I stayed well away from the scales. I am feeling just so good at them moment for reahing goal I didn't want that feeling spoiling even though I know I have done nothing wrong, it would still have been depressing to see the numbers on the scales go up so much again...it is still depressing not being able to get into my normal clothes, but each day I can feel those getting better.
I have decided I am not going to be as obsessive about weighing myself either and am now only going to weigh once a month just to keep a check on things and make sure the weight doesn't start to creep back on...I find it really strange that over the past 2 years while I have been losing the weight I have promised myself over and over again I would only weigh once a week and no more, but I still found myself on the scales several times a day almost every day, but now I have said once a month and so far this week I haven't even thought about jumping on the scales.
Well I have also not done any exercise this week either. that wasn't an intentional thing, I have just been so busy, I have been inundated with emails of congratulations, I have been using the time in a morning before I go to work when I would normally be doing my workout to catch up with them and I have been doing pretty much the same when I got home. I am almost done now, so to those of you who are still waiting for a reply, bear with me I will get there. As soon as I finish updating this journal I will be heading down to get a full workout done...I've really missed it and I can actually feel a difference...I need to get back into my regular routine.
So all in all my first week of normality has gone pretty well and I am feeling pleased with how I have handled things :)

Saturday 17th May

Another good week, no mistakes or slip ups at all and now that TOM has gone so too has all the unwanted poundage it brought with it and my clothes are feeling back to normal. Well after me saying I didn't want to know how much I had gained, because I couldn't get into any of my size 12 clothes and I was back wearing size 16's I had to have a look at the scale...well TOM was almost 2 weeks late and I knew it was quite obviously a high gain, but I wasn't prepared for what I found when I got on the scales, it was my biggest gain ever, 25lbs...omg!!!! I flew into a panic...had I gone comnpletely off the rails, had I done something really wrong. I got my journal out and checked everything, but I hadn't, so I calmed myself down and just carried on doing what I have been doing for so long and a week later TOM has gone and I am back down to my pre-TOM weight of 152lbs. So now it is all guns blazing again and totally relaxing, doing things just as I have always done them...I really do need to stop panicing as much, but it isn't easy when you see such a huge gain and know you have done everything right.

Saturday 31st May

One question I was asked this week was... Now that you are at your goal is it harder doing this than before? I have always wondered if it would be tough sticking with the program after you have already met the goal weight.?
well the answer is..part of it is, but part of it isn't.My everyday eating has changed so much since I started that now I eat things automatically without really needing to think about how many calories are in it, because it is the same stuff I have eaten over and over again, so I know I am never eating too much...the only part that does get difficult is when I get cravings for something like chocolate for instance or cookies, I still haven't lost my taste for those and I could quite easily sit down and eat a few bars of chocolate or a full packet of cookies without even blinking, it definitely is more difficult now to stop myself doing it.
Now I could tell myself I desreve the treat, but when I think about it, if I give in and have them too often it wont be long before I start gaining the weight I tried so hard and so long to lose and I would end up in the same position as I was before...That definitely isn't going to happen.
I know I am in the early stages of maintaining just now, but I am not being as strict with myself, I have had treats, but I make sure I am sensible about having them, the day after, I make up for what I had the day before, so that if I do gain anything I get rid of it straight away and don't have to go back to the strict calorie counting like before.
So far it is working well and I am enjoying my way of life, this may sound corny, but I feel free instead of a slave to food, which is pretty much what I was before, the only time I don't really remember thinking about food before was when I was actually eating it :)
I am still plodding along doing nothing much in particular. Last week I caught a vomiting bug and spent most of the week in bed and when I wasn't in bed I sat in a chair not having the energy to move. Basically I was feeling very sorry for myself.
TOM is due again this weekend and I was dreading it again after last months 24lbs gain...well I haven't been near the scales but I am sure it has happened again. today I have got out of bed and I feel like a beached whale and I can't get into any of my normal clothes. the only reason I can think of as to why it has suddenly started happening again is because I had to stop taking the vitamin b6 and b complex, within 5 minutes of taking them I got blinding headaches and felt really nauseous and it usually lasted for a couple of hours. I am going to check with the doctor next time I go in for my routine blood pressure check...The only consolation I am taking at the moment is that last month I only felt so bloated for a few days and then I was back to normal...I am just hoping this month will be the same :)