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Our Fun and Joke Page

Send your favorite jokes, funny stories, pictures to be added on this page. All good clean fun please.

I taught I taw a puddy tat!............................. I did! I did tee a puddy tat!

Some Interesting Perspectives

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that the US government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around the country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

And Last but not least.....
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart... "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her butt off to jail."



Aug 2005 - This is one I really enjoyed....Thanks to Camella for giving us this one.

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IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.


The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS

*******

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

And he was a Kansas City chef

*******

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

*******

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita,

*******

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often."

Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

********

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

*******

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Chevy dealorship in Rock Hill, SC!

*******

*they walk among us ... AND REPRODUCE!!



This one passed on by Gene for August 2005


BAD ACCIDENT !

Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," the lawyer asked?

Boudreaux responded, "Mais, Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus' loaded my
favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . . . "

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say,
at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the
scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, " I had just loaded Bessie,my favorite mule, into da trailer
and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and busted my
truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch, Bessie was thrown into da udder. I was hurting real bad
and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o'
terrible shape just by her groans.

"Right after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so him,
he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da
Patrolman came cross da road wit da gun in his hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'

"Now what da hell would you say?"



This one passed on by Leah for July 2005



MY SON THE VET


One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."



This one passed on by Larry for June 2005


She Died



Credit Card Debt Humor

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?



Click Here For The Arab And The Genie


LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.


Mansion On The Hill


After Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville passes away and enters the Pearly Gates,

God takes him on a tour. He shows Tommy a little 2-bedroom house with a

faded Auburn University banner hanging from the front porch.



"This is your home, Coach. Most people don't get their own house up here," God

explains.



Tommy looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on

the top of the hill. It's a huge 2-story mansion with white marble columns and little

patios under all of the windows.



Alabama flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge crimson and white Bama

banner hanging between the marble columns.



"Thanks for the home, God, but let me ask you a question. How come I get this little 2-

bedroom house with a faded Auburn University banner, and Bear Bryant gets a mansion with

new Alabama banners and flags flying all over the place? Why is that?"



God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, "That's not the Bear's

house, that's mine."



ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL???
THE TELEPHONE CALL


Whoops!!!


((((RING))))


**Pick Up**


"Hello?"


"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"


"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "


After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."


"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"


Brief Pause


"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"


"Okay Daddy, just a minute"


A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.


"I did it Daddy"


"And what happened honey?" he asked "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"


"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"


"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.


He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"


***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause**


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731?
YOR HARR-REE-SCOPE
What's your "Southern" Sign? Some of us Southerners are skeptical of the so-called "traditional" horoscopes, and it has become painfully obvious to us that what we need are our own unique "Southern" symbols that more accurately reflect our proud heritage.


OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.


CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.


BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.


MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.


POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.


CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.


COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.


CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.


GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.


BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.


BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.


ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

Redneck vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, " said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1" "2" "3" "4" "5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, South Carolina, and West Virginia



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