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Basic BDSM information

Before you read any further, I want you to understand that all the informaiton here is gathered from a sexuality newsgroup. All the information included here is information that I personally feel everyone interested in the BDSM lifestyle SHOULD take the time to LEARN. I am not in any way saying that everything here is correct for each certain individual, the information collected below is what I feel is the best definition and explanation of BDSM. I am sure somewhere, someone out there might disagree with my personal beliefs and that is perfectly ok. I ENCOURAGE each and every one of you who is thinking that the BDSM lifestyle and community is for you, to do a lot of research on your own. I am providing what I feel is the basic fundamentals of my CHOOSEN lifestyle. Look at the bottom of this page for the link to the newsgroup in which all the following is compilied into a much deeper text.

What is BDSM?

Literally, "BDSM" is the contraction of "B&D", "D&S" and "S&M". In practice the term is often used in a a more general sense to cover the range of interests common in the BDSM Scene, such as fetishes, body modification and alternative sexualities, and it implies activities done Safely, Sanely and Consensually (SSC).

Briefly, SSC means respecting your partner's body, mind and free will.

*newsgroup: uk.people.bdsm*

"SM" -Doesn't cover D&S

"bondage" -Doesn't cover S&M

"kinky" -Has negative connotations in some areas

"pervy" -Has negative connotations in most areas

"Wiitwd" -Not used off the Net. (means: What it is that we do)

"BDSM" is widely understood within the Scene, is not offensive to vanillas, and is sufficiently specific to be usedul while being inclusive enough not to leave large groupe withtin the Scene feeling rejected.

"B&D" stand for "Bondage and Discipline".

"Controler" - one who wants to control someone's physical actions

"controlee" - one who wants thier physical actions controlled

Control can be physical (via bondage) or psychological (via discipline)

"bondage" -any form of physical restraint or hindereance.

"discipline" -the use of rules and punishment to control overt behavior.

Playing safely does not mean giving up all dangeroud activities. It means taking reasonable care that you know what risks of physical harm are associated with any activites you consider trying; and, if you decide to go ahead, planning those activities with due thought to optimising the balance between risk and reward for everybody involved..

Pay attention to what you are doing and use common sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE!

What is D&S?

"D&S" stands for "Domination and Submission"

It can also be written "Ds". "D/s", "D&s" or "D/S"

"Dominant" -one who wants to dominate someone (also "dom" or "Dom")

"submissive" -one who want to submit to someone (also called sub)

Domination is the gain and use of control over a sub's emotional reactions by the manipulation of thier mind and body. THis may or may not be then used to discipline thier ohysical actions; it can be sufficient to own thier soul, but tanfible proof of ownership is often found enjoyable.

The difference between Discipline and Dominance is that eh Disciplinarian cares that the bottom (or sub) does obey, while not minging whether they wanted to or not. The Dominate cares that the bottom (or sub) wants to obey, and only minds whether they do actually obey in as much as it proves that they wanted to, of course someone who is into both D&S and B&D would care about both things.

What is S&M?

"S&M" stands for "Sadism and Masochism" or "SadoMasochism".

"sadist" -one who wants to inflict physical pain

"masochist" -one who wants to receive physical pain

"physical mods" -a deliberat and ornamental change in the body's structure that does not risk impairing needed functionality (eg. and ear piercing)

"physical hurt" -a painful insult to the body, causeing only repairable physcial damage. Any impairment must be limited to less than a finite planned maximum in magnitude and duration.

"physical harm" -physical damage that risks unacceptale or indeterminate impairment of needed functionality.

In S&M the aim is to inflict sensations (such as physical hurt) without causing physical harm.

Not everyone responds to sensations the same way.

There is NO right or wrong amount of pain to be able to withstand, nor is there a correct way it should feel to YOU.

"slave" -This may be defined several ways (the one I find most appropriate for this information is as following: someone into D&S where the relationship consists of useing welded (non-removable) collars, powers of attorney and a 24/7 no safeword agreement to make it as permanent as possible.

"top" -someone who is a controler, dominant and/or sadist

"bottom" -someone who is the controlee, submissive and/or masochist

By Definition:

All Masters are Dominants

All Dominants are Tops

All slaves are submissive

All submissives are bottoms

But not necessarily vice versa, and nothing is implied about whether the player has any interest in S&M or B&D. To confuse matters further, some men will describe themselves as Masters, without being Dominant, in hope of geting to play with submissives.(I will get into the further at the bottom of the page).

"Vanilla" -something not part of the Scene. Often used to describe parts of your life, as well as people or activities. *How we (Master and i) refer to those not into the BDSM lifestyle or not into alternative sexual practices such as our).

"edge play" -There is disagreement on what this means. SOme people use it to refer to play on the edge of consensualtiy (eg pushing limits). Others mean on the edge of saftey (eg play that has a sgnificant risk of causeing death or permanent damage)> It can therefore be of vital impotance to know which definition your potential Top is useing.

*****Safe***** *****Safe***** *****Safe***** *****Safe*****

Playing safely does not mean giving up all dangerous activities. It means taking reasonable care that you know what risks of physical harm are associated with any activities you consider trying; and, if youdecide to go ahead, planning those activities with due thought to optimising the balance between risk and reward.

Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE!

BDSM can be sexual, exciting, humorous, artistic, healing, calming or magikal. Or it can be none of these things; for some people sex is intrinsically part of BDSM, while for other it is totally unconnected.

Once you actually look at people who are involved in BDSM, and at what they do, you realize that what is actually happeneing is a powerful explression of love, which expands into sensual realms outside the ordinary. True BDSM is consensual, strengthening, and sustainin; true degradation is NOT. Therein lies teh difference, and it is truly an all important difference.

Occasional debates here revolve around the (relatively few) people who practice full-time Dominate/submissive relationshps. Such relationships require lots of self-inquiry and self-examination to see that both partners are benefiting and growing. Sometimes the claim is made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for the Dominant to break down their submissive's will and to accept abuse because the submissive (according to the Dominant, and perhaps in submissive's own opinion) deserves no better. (This essentially what a wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his wife self-perception and convinces her that the abuse is the necessary price to be paid for her to remain with him; it is no more than her due. And more however, she is NOT to complain.)

This kind of relationship is NOT a consensual BDSM relationship; the Dominant in a consensual relationship listens to and respects the limis of thier bottom, and does not seek to break down the bottom;s personality, but rather to build it up through the kind od relationship that both enjoy and desire.

Feminism

Some people wonder how women into BDSM can consider themselves feminists. Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not submitting to anyone else, ever? Personally, I believe (and many women in the lifestyle do agree) that feminism is about empowering women to make thier OWN choises, to live life their own way, without being limited by ideas about what women "Should" do or how they "ought" to behave.

Negotiation

The negotiation concept in the BDSM community simply means open, honest communication about what you fo and don't want. Negotiation in this sense is not a bargaining process, where one person is trying to get something at the expense of someone elst; it's a win-win technique where you're both talking about what you've done and what excites and doesn't excite you, so you can feel more comfortable and turned on together.

Be communicative. Let your partner know what you want and don't want. Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of what she or he is feeling and thinking.

Don't let yourself be pressured into anything, Be HONEST.

Consensual

The simple rules:

1. Don't play with people who can't be held legally responsible for thier own actions.

2. Know what your partner's limits are (what they do and do not consent to)

3. Make sure your partner has a way to indicate that they withdraw thier consent, if they change their mind during the scene. (safeword or safe actions)

5. If you are about to do an action to them which they would have no chance to indicate their lack of consent to before it happened, and there is any doubt that they might not consent, ask them beforehand to indicate their consent explicitly.

6. If at any time you partner, while in a fit state of mind, indicates that they do not consent to your doing an action to them, or that they have withdrawn conset they oreviously gave, then don't do it.

7. If your partner is not in a fit state of mind to choose whether to consent or not, which can happen on occasions such as when drunk, asleep, or drugged, then it is your responsibility to ake that choie for them. In general you should know not to play with them, unless you gained their explicit consent beforehand to play with them in this condition.

One exception to that would be when a masochist is so high on endorphins that they are in not fit state to judge whether to continue ot not. (sub-space)

Safeword

Useing a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's important to realize that no one is perfect, and if you as a Top do something that squicks your bottom (i.e. pushes beyond your bottoms limits) it doesn't mean you're a bad lover or a bad person. It only means that you ran into a limit you didn't know what there, or you were tired or disconnected and not in tune with your bottom. It happends to everyone from time to time. If you as a top feel burned out and want to stop the scene suddenly, or you get a powerful reaction you weren't expecting and aren't sure how to continue, you can use a safeword too.

A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more, nothing less. If you're playing intensly, it may feel hard to stop the scene, to come back from the edge via safeword... but if you need to, that's what they're for. Some Top deliberately push thier bottoms until thier bottoms call safeword; this way, the bottom gets the experience of using it.

Always play SAFELY, SANELY and CONSENSUALLY!!

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BDSM FAQ sexuality newgroup in which all information here is dervied.