Her Darkness, Her Light

Safe, safe...
How easy to make promises at a distance.
Distance of time or space or opportunity.
Safe from recrimination or fulfillment.
Just like a prayer.
Truly heartfelt at the moment.
But necessary only because the reality is not present.
It speaks only of desire.

And what is desire?
that which we do not have
and feel incapable of achieving.
And thus we ask of the heavens above to grant.
Validate my heart, I cry,
with that which I cannot validate with my life.
Is that not the epitome of hypocrisy?

This I would rather say to the living God who hears.
I cannot commit.
I cannot believe.
I cannot be.
Help me in my unbelief.
And should he grant this wish,
what pain lies before me?
That I may only attain by this painful death.
Then, please, I cry, be with me in this death.
My God, My God, do not forsake me.
And what answer do I hear?

I forsake you just as you must forsake yourself.
The death you die, you die alone.
My only promise is to be here
on the other side of this dark abandonment.
Above all else, you must believe,
believe in what lies beyond the grave.
Oh, death, where is thy victory?
Oh, grave, where is thy sting?

Yes, life requires the highest price.
But not paid to achieve the highest reward.
You can deceive me no more than you can deceive yourself.
Desire which is stronger than will becomes will.
And when desire and will become one,
death is a necessary outcome.
Death of easy money.
Death of pride.
Death of gain.
Death of even the flesh which surrounds the will and the desire.
Death, dark, dark, death.

Save me, oh God, from this death which I now face.
For in this life I know not one soul
who cares to perpetuate my love's glory.
I know not one soul who can live this my dream for me.
It remains only to be seen in the next world.

Save me not from this world, oh God.
Save me from my lack of courage to face this dark death,
that portal to the world of desire.
No, no, do not save me!
Guide me.
  As on it's brinks I now stand
and find glory alone worthy of any feeble effort I now attempt.

Be my guiding light.

This my prayer.

Renewal

Empty and grey, how the days seemed for so long
But I vowed to be in it
to be with it
Not to run to the noise of unseeing masses
celebrating life
Until I had something to contribute
And then I would decide if I would join
But not out of lonliness
I would become that thing which I feared the most
I would know it from corner to dark corner
We would either dine or starve together

I shut the door and prayed
Prayed to God that he would not let me out
until I knew what I should know
To spare my life, yes,
grief, no
Why should I be spared sorrow and lonliness
Who was I that life should be glib and soft

I reflected
I saw a woman smug and self-righteous and vain,
weak and ill-tempered
Who did not even know the reasons for her feelings,
nor the motives behind her actions
a complainer, a whiner, a malcontent
unable to change her own self
yet having the gall to judge everyone else

I learned a lot behind that closed door
Not how to deal with loss, sorrow or pain
Not how to deal with lonliness or depression
Not even how to be a better person
I learned how to view myself
for what I really was
covered in the filth of pride
buried in the ignorance of judgment
chained in the prison of greed
blinded by the artificial light of vanity
and loaded with the weight of ingratitude

I have left the dead
to bury the dead
I have come out of the tomb
to the land of the living
where we are so few
I have not rejoined the masses
in the way that seems right to them
that always seemed right to me

I have been renewed
I have been renewed
I see things differently now
I see
Understanding is the beginning of wisdom

The Light Has Come

Darkness covers everyone.
It is part of the human experience.
And we curse the darkness
as if it could hear.

Who has not awakened from the cry
of his own muffled screams in the night?
As if the intruder were outside.
Our nightmares are only wake-up calls to our visions.
"Awaken, oh dreamer, from your sleep."
And when you awaken, arise.

Arise.
Do not remain in the same painful unawareness
as you entered into upon repose.
Awaken and arise.

It was not the boogie man seeking you.
It was a warning from your own soul,
slipping, falling, tumbling into darkness.
A place it does not belong.
Cannot bear.
No need to return and analyze it.
No need to drag in paid professionals or trusted confidants.

"Arise, shine, for the light has come."

Yet some would curse the light,
just as they curse the darkness.
Lashing out in rage and frustration.
Believing that nothing good exists or lasts.
Afraid that the light will leave them
or fail them or prove to be a mirage.
But the light nevers leaves or fails us.
Ah, but neither does the darkness.

Choice, not happenstance, dictates which you bathe in,
which you believe in,
which you trust.
You are never good enough for the light.
You are never bad enough for the darkness.
The soul is neither worthy nor unworthy.
The invitation stands -- come weary soul.
Life and light and love await you.
"But where", you cry, where?
If I could find it, I would go to it."

Shine.
Shine.
For the light has come!
It is inside you, even in your darkest hour.
"But how do I shine?" you cry.
Think of me, my darling and how much I love you.
"But how can you love me?" you ask.
What a silly question.
How can I not love you, my darling.
I am you.