Funny "Haha" Jokes!

DIVINE SIGHT

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

A MINISTER'S COMFORTING WORDS

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Kinkaid. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell--the nut has gone to heaven."

Intelligent Rookies

Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too breezy for one man, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open. A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the backwards coat. Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie policeman standing nearby: "What happened?" "Well, the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead, too."

"WHY NOT?"

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." -------------------------------------------------------------

"SUNBATHING"

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TO LONG WHEN...

* You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy/Mommy's got work to do".
* You get a tattoo that says "This body best veiwed with Internet Explorer 5.0."
* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of the computer with a toilet.
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy scout rank?
Do you have one male and one female parent? ____ If "No", explain:
Do you own or have access to a van? ____
A truck with oversize tires? ____
waterbed? ____
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____
Do you have a tattoo? ____ *If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.*
In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
How often do you attend: ____________________________
When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
Please fill in the blanks:

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________
A woman's place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________

*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

What do you want to be IF you grow up?
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.
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HOW A MARINE GETS HIS SLEEP

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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EMBARRASING MOMENT?

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" ------

TOP 45 OXYMORONS

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
A Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works

------------------------------------------------------------------ Fun things to do at garage & yard sales:

1. Demand to see something that's not out for sale. When they go to look for it, leave.
2. Ask for a 90% reduction in the marked price.
3. Walk around criticizing the quality, condition, color, size, quantity, price and anything else about the merchandise. Leave saying "I've seen better junk at the landfill!"
4. Spend a lot of time picking up, fondling and walking around with a bunch of stuff. When you get their hopes high enough, put it all back and leave.
5. When not observed, switch or remove the price tags.
6. When you see a sale, go home, round up all the neighborhood kids and dogs, bring them to the sale and let them loose. Stay in the car and watch the fun.
7. When you see a sale, drive ever so slowly by. Go up the block, turn around and drive sloowwllyy by again. Repeat a dozen times.
8. Ask for food and drink.
9. Act like your lost. Ask for directions. Pretend you don't understand. Leave cursing.
10. Pass 2 or 3 hours in inane conversation. Leave without making a purchase.
11. Walk all over in their neighbor's yards. Peek at the sale through the shrubbery. Ring the neighbor's doorbells. Ask "Where's the garage sale?"
12. Pretend like you're going to buy a lot of valuable or fragile items. Make them wrap them very carefully. After this say "I've changed my mind" and leave.
13. Picket the sale with a sign that reads "Garage Sales Unfair to Retail Merchants"

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If computer error messages were haikus:

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.