The Blue and Yellow Submarine

Lawndaleland. We see the dock, with the Versace tied up to it. Everything is still and peacefull, and a fashionable pall of ennui has settled over the town. Helen is still by the docks, once again draped in crepe paper. Joining her, in a set of hand-and-head-stocks, is Quinn. She is dressed in one of Daria's outfits, and is sporting a pair of eyeglasses. She has a very sour look on her face.

Ms. Li has been moved to the town square, and is on the pedastal where her statue had been, which is now lying, at her feet. The camera pans over to the school, where cheerleaders mope about in the new school colors of faded periwinkle and ambient marigold. Upchuck stands cringing in an Armani tux before Jodie, resplendant in Donna Karan evening wear, her left hand raised in mid-slap and sporting a Gucci watch. Andrea stands nearby in her Bill Blass evening gown. Even through the look of horror and disgust on her face, we can still see that she is pissed off.

Inside, we find the Fashion Club and the Ecru Meanies surrounding Jane, who is tied to a chair. Brooke is sobbing, as Tiffany and Sandi scowl, and Stacy attempts (and fails) to look scornful instead of sympathetic.

Sandi: Brooke, I cannot bring myself to believe how badly you have screwed up your mission. Everyone knows Quinn's cousin, or whatever, is the one with the glasses. Then to refuse to steal their submarine when you had the chance is, like... soooo inexcuseable, or something. I'm afraid we're going to have to send you to the re-education camp.

Brooke: Noooo!

Stacy: Eap!

Sandi: What was that, Stacy?

Stacy: Nothing! Toe cramp!

Sandi [Rolling her eyes]: Well, stop it, that is, like, so gross. Take her away! [The Ecru Meanies drag Brooke off kicking and screaming, as Sandi turns to Jane with a cruel smile.] So, Quinn's cousin's friend, or whatever...

Jane: Betcha can't sat that three times, real fast.

Sandi: Shush. Now, tell us what Quinn's cousin's plans are, or we'll be forced to become... unpleasant.

Jane [With an evil grin of her own]: Do your worst, nouveau riche fashion wannabe.

Sandi [We can see that stung]: Oh, don't worry, we shall. [Picks up a videocassette, obviously savoring the words as she reads them.] "The Hummel Figurines: A Compleat History." Three... and a half... hours.

Jane: You bastards!!!

Sandi: Tiffany, be a dear and put this in the VCR, and set it on "loop". We'll be back in a few hours to see if you want to talk... or whatever.

Tiffany puts the tape in and turns the VCR on. The Fashion Club leave, and Sandi turns out the lights. Stacy lingers in the door a second and whispers, "Sorry." Jane struggles as her face is illumined by the glow of the television. Hokey polka music plays.

Jane: No! Anything but Hummel! No! No! AIIIGGGHHHHH!!!

As her screams fade, the scene reverts to the docks. As we look out over the ocean, a seagull lands on the newly repaired superstructure of the Versace, and adds her astute comment. Suddenly, bubbles appear on the other side of the dock. Once again, the Cynic broaches the surface, the bow rising up into the air, and coming down right in the middle of the dock and the Versace's conning tower. The fashionable sub breaks in two with a terrible noise, and both halves sink rapidly. The displaced seagull lands on the periscope of the Cynic, and watches as the hatch bangs open, and once again Our Heroine makes a beeline for the railing. The band follows.

Trent: You know, Daria, you're getting real good at all this submarine stuff, but you've really got to work on surfacing.

Daria answers him by calling Ralph.

Quinn: EEEEWWWWWW! Da-ree-ya, that's, like, so gross!

Daria [Pushing her glasses back on her face, with a stricken look]: ... No... not her... Somebody please just shoot me and throw me overboard, now.

Trent and the band come down onto the dock where Quinn is.

Jesse: Who's this?

Trent: Oh, nobody special. Just Daria's sister.

Quinn: Hey!

Max: Does she have a name?

Trent: Yeah... Daria's sister.

Quinn: My name is Quinn, but if you think that I'd lower myself to go out with someone who's bald, you're sadly mistaken.

Nick: Whoa, Max! Shot you down, bud!

Quinn: Nor would I go out with someone who shops for clothes at the Salvation Army store.

Nick: Don't knock it, toots, they got good prices.

Quinn and the band [Looking at Nick]: Toots?

Daria [Coming over]: Never mind that, "cuz"... [She sees what Quinn is wearing and gives an uncaracteristic guffaw before slapping her hands over her mouth.] Oh, my... *chortle*.

Quinn: Very funny, Daria. Just get me out of this thing, okay?

Daria [Trying to hide her amusement]: First, *snicker*, tell me where your fascist cohorts are holding Jane.

Quinn: Over at the school, where else? Li ran the town from there, remember?

Daria: Okay, thanks.

They start to leave.

Quinn: Hey, wait! What about our agreement?

Daria: What agreement? I didn't agree to anything. [To the band] Did I?

The band shake their heads. They all turn to go.

Quinn: Dah-ree-yahhhhh!!! You can't leave us like this!

Daria [Stopping in her tracks]: She's right, you know.

Daria leads them back. She takes the crepe paper off of Helen and drapes it over Quinn, then puts an arm around Helen's shoulders.

Daria: Sorry, Mom, wasn't thinking. Trent, get her feet.

Quinn: What? What about me?

Daria: By the way, cuz, did you know she can hear you? She's frozen, you know, not unconscious.

Quinn: Noooo! Wait! Muh-ohhhmmmm! I was just kidding! Honest! Daria, come back!!!

They walk on, as Quinn's protests fade in the distance. Daria continues to involuntarily chuckle.

Daria's house. She comes out onto the front stoop, where the band is sitting.

Trent: How is she?

Daria: Well, I took her to her bedroom, put her on the bed and undid her jeans. She can at least breathe now.

Trent: How's your Dad?

Daria [With a sigh.]: He's fine. The basketball playoffs are on, so he's blessedly oblivious.

Max: The basketball playoffs?

The Spiral rise as one, and start for the house.

Daria [Blasts her rape whistle]: Hold it, you guys! First we liberate Lawndaleland, then you can vege out watching grown men dribble in their underwear!

They grumblingly assent, and follow her off.

Max: You didn't have to make it sound like "The Old and The Beautiful."

Daria: Oh, shut up.

Inside the school, we see Daria and the band peeking around a corner, one head over another. They duck back as a squad of Brooke-bots pass. They look again, and start down the hall.

Daria [Whispering]: Okay, first we find Jane, then we head for the Big Strawberry.

Nick: The Big Strawberry? Why?

Daria: Because that's where the old band used to hang out. You can use their equipment there and be heard throughtout Lawndaleland.

Max: But why?

Daria: The only way to beat the fashion club is through music.

Max and Nick: What?

Daria: Didn't you guys ever see the movie we're parodying?

Max: Yeah, but I didn't get it.

Nick: We're parodying a movie?

Max: Yeah, "The Wall" or something.

Daria: Riiight, just keep that thought... what was that?

They listen; from the Audio/Visual room come strange animalistic noises. There is a muffled scream.

Trent and Daria [Looking at each other]: Jane!

They rush to the room and force their way in. Jane is sitting there tied up, blithely watching the television.

Jane: Hi, guys, what kept ya?

Daria: Are you all right?

Trent: We heard screams!

Jane: Oh, that was the television. They were going to torture me with a documetary on Hummel figurines, but fortunately somebody had taped "The Howling 3" over it.

More animalistic sounds emit from the set, along with typical cheap horror flick music.

Jane: Pull up a chair, it's a hoot.

Daria [Untying her with Trent's help.]: Never mind that, we've got a town to defashionize.

Jane: Is that a word?

Daria: I don't know, ask the author. Look, we need to get to the Big Strawberry. Can youi create a diversion?

Jane: Can I create a diversion? Oh, ye of little faith, I was born creating diversions!

Trent: Yeah, just ask Mom.

Jane: Was she there?

Trent: I think I saw her in the lobby.

Daria: Alright, let's go!

They leave, except for Nick, who hangs back. He watches them leave, the goes over to the tv, flipping the dial. We here the sounds of a basketball play-by-play, and Nick settles back into a chair. Max and Jesse re-enter, go to either side of Nick and pick up the chair, carrying him protesting out into the hall.

The Big Strawberry. The band hides in the bushes as Compact Conkers stand guard.

Trent: C'mon, Janie, where's that diversion.

Suddenly, there are explosions down by the harbor. Fireworks arch up from a warehouse as the tornado alarms start sounding.

Jesse: Whatever it's gonna be, I hope its gonna be noticed over all that noise.

All but one of the Compact Conkers leaves for the docks. The remaining one continues to patrol back and forth.

Daria: Great... now what?

Nick: Don't worry, D. I saw this in Star Wars.

He gets out a rope with a grappling hook.

Max: Hey! Where'd you get that?

Nick: Props.

He sneaks near the Conker's patrol area. As it truns to go the other way, he steps out, twirling the hook over his head. He throws it and watches it wrap around the Conker's neck. He starts swinging towards it, trying to climb the rope at the same time. He ricochets off the robot's boney butt and carombs around to the front, the rope slipping through his hands. It wraps around the robot's legs, tripping it. It falls on Nick and breaks apart, with many sparks and small explosions.

Daria: Impressive. He's got a brilliant future ahead of him as a mangled corpse.

They untangle him from the wreckage and start walking around the Strawberry.

Trent: So, where are the instruments?

Daria: Inside.

Trent: Good, good... um...

Dari: I don't know how to get in. I thought there was a door.

Jesse: Maybe this will work.

He takes the hole (from the Sea of Holes) out of his pocket and puts it on the side of the Strawberry.

Max: Where'd you get that?

Jesse: Oh, just had a hole in my pocket.

Max and Nick look at him with confused awe. They then climb into the Strawberry.

Meanwhile, at the docks, we see Quinn kicking at one of the miniature attack poodles.

Quinn: Go away! Get! You're not doing that to my leg, you gross, uncute, little animal pervert.

Sandi [Running up]: Never mind that, Quinn, you're getting a reprieve! Call your glove, the town is under attack, or something!

Quinn: Gee, Sandi, I'd love to help, but I'm not going to do a thing while I am dressed like this.

Linds [Unlocking the stocks]: Then go in there and change! We don't have any time! Where's your mother?

Stacy: Here's your clothes, Quinn. I kept them clean for you.

Quinn: Thanks, Stacy. My sis... er, cousin came and took her away.

Sandi: Your cousin!: What was that loser counter-revolutionary doing here?

Linda: And what was she doing with you, young lady?

Quinn [Taking her clothes and going to a nearby building]: Oh, give me a break, we were'nt collaborating or anything gross like that. She and some loser musician friends of hers were torturing me.

Tiffany: Musicians, ewwww. ...Were they cute?

Sandi: Musicians? Like, omigod or something, that's the only way to defeat us!

Linda: To the Strawberry, everyone!

Quinn [From inside the building]: Wait for me, darnit!

At the Strawberry. Daria and the band are rummaging around inside. Trent picks up one of the outfits, a tie-dyed monstrosity.

Trent: Geez, Daria, what kind of band was this, anyway?

Daria: According to legend, it was the town band many years ago. One day, a group of Blue Meanies, still pissed over their defeat in Pepperland, dropped by to create some havok (and allegedely to sire Upchuck). The band saved the day, and passed into immortality, never to be seen again. They're supposed to return if Lawndaleland is ever in danger, or has a really jamming block party. Since the slackers have yet to show up, I assume that means you are their avatars..

Trent [Holding the tie-dyed shirt suspiciously]: And what were they called?

Daria: Um... ahem... "Sgt. Major's Cool Doors Cover Band." It was... um, sort of a... Doors cover band...

The Spiral stand there, looking disgusted. Jane runs up, holding a box of bottle rockets.

Jane: The jigs up, guys, Quinn squeeled like Ned Beatty in Delierance, and Sandi and company are on their way.

Trent: Well, it's not as if we have much of a choice...

Max: Yeah, man, let's just do it!

They get into the outfits and take the instruments outside. They see Sandi and her army advancing on them.

Trent: Well, let's get this over with. "L. A. Woman," from the top.

The band starts playing. Trent looks confused for a moment, but Daria immediately realizes their mistake.

Trent [Singing]: "L. A. Woman... keep away from m..." Wait a minute, wait a minute! I said "L. A. Woman," not "American Woman."

Nick: Um... how does that go again?

Daria: Here's a novel idea for you, since we're parodying a Beatles movie, why don't you do a Beatles' song?.

Jesse: But we only know one.

The Brooke-bots noses collapse back into the attack position, the Compact Conkers lift their compacts high, and Quinn's glove angles in to begin it's straffing run.

Trent: It's going to have to do, guys. here we go, from the top! A one, two, three, four!

Daria's eyes roll upward as she recognizes the opening chords. She has an "It just figures" look on her face. Sandi's army, though, stops dead in their tracks.

Mystic Spiral:

When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide

Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride

Till I get to the bottom and I see you again, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Fasion Club: EWWWWWWWWW!

Spiral:

Do you, don't you, want me to love you

I'm coming down fast but I'm miles above you

Tell me, tell me, tell me, c'mon, tell me the answer

You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer.

Sandi's army collapses into chaos. The Brooke-bot's shots go wild and cut down the Compact Conkers like wheat.

Spiral:

Helter skelter... helter skelter... helter skelter.

Will you, won't you want me to make you

I'm coming down fast but don't let me break you

Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer

You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer.

The Ecru Meanies try to throw their powderpuff grenades only to have them explode in their hands. The fashion pall starts to lift over Lawndaleland. All over town, people's clothes return to their unfashionable normal as the people wearing them unfreeze.

Spiral:

Look out, Helter skelter,,, helter skelter... helter skelter.

Look out, cause here she comes.

Helen returns to normal with a sharp intake of breath. Jake continues to cheer as his normal lounging outfit replaces the Armani suit, although he takes no notice. Jodie unfreezes and slaps Upchuck before he can dodge. Mrs. Johanson... well, there wasn't much the FC could have done for her, but she can finally leave the house again.

As we see Ms. Li start to transform back to normal, Jane climbs up the pedastel and quikly slaps a pair of earmuffs over her head, halting the transformation. There are cheers and Jane bows smiling.

Spiral:

When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide

And I stop and I turn and I go for a ride

And I get to the bottom and I see you again.

Sandi is seen kneeling, holding her fallen mother as in the painting of the English soldier holding the dying General Wolfe. Tiffany is in full retreat and Quinn props up a battered Stacy in a safe place and takes up her banner once again.

Spiral:

Well do you, don't you, want me to make you

I'm coming down fast but don't let me break you

The battered glove once again tries to come in on a straffing run over the hordes of battered and destroyed fashion bots. The Ecru Meanies are running in confused terror, although Kevin, the three J's and a couple of more football players are rallying around Quinn's flag. She draws them together for a final desperate charge.

Spiral:

Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer

You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer.

A crowd of locals appear around Quinn's platoon and begin pelting her and them with rotten vegetables.

Quinn: EWWWWWWWWW!!!

Brittany and the cheerleaderscomes running up with a load of band candy they'd "borrowed" from the school. They toss them into the midst of Quinn's army. The ground starts shaking ominously and with a terrifying war cry, Mrs. Johanson is bowling over the football players, grabbing up the chocolate. Quinn's counterattack is in ruins and she begins to cry. Helen comes up behind her.

Helen: There, there, honey, don't cry.

Quinn [blubbering]: Momma?

Helen [Taking Quinn by the ear]: Because I haven't given you anything to cry about, yet! Go to your room this instant, young lady, your grounded till the next ice age!

Quinn: Nooo!

Quinn starts shuffling homeward, but stops to look up as her glove, the Fashion Club's last hope, begins one last attempt at a straffing run.

Spiral: Look out, helter skelter...

The glove quivers but continues...

Spiral: ...helter skelter... The glove aims and fires a fashion blast at the band...

Spiral: ...helter skelter...

The fashion ray is deflected back at the glove...

Spiral: Look out, helter skelter...

... and hits it head on. The once fashionable, delicate lady's glove is now transformed into an ordinary gardening glove. It flies whimpering back to the now despairing Quinn.

Spiral:

She's coming down fast

Yes she is

Yes she is.

As the Spiral begins the song's final bars a bright, rainbow hued, Peter Maxish sunrise appears, sweeping all fashion gloom before it's relentlessly gaudy light. The Fashion Clubs clothing is instantly transformed. Quinn is now dressed like Butthead, Sandi like Beavis doing his Cornholio routine, Stacy is now tricked out like Stuart, while Tiffany is decked in one of Todd's outfits. Linda is humilliated in one of Tom Anderson's ensemble, including the hat. Trent raises his hands in victory, and finishes the song...

Trent: "I got blisters on my fingers!"

The final chord slams like a door, and we see Sandi leaning against the Big Strawberry looking at herself in disgust.

Sandi: Oh... my.. God! This is so... hideous! Metallica is, like, sooo over!

The Spiral start playing an istrumental version of "Master of Puppets" (for easy guitar).

Sandi: Ooooh, those bastards!

Jane [Coming up behind.]: Hey Sandi, cool threads. Their you!

Sandi [Turning with a maniacal look in her eye.]: Shall I, like, tear her to tiny bits, or something?

Jane: Ah-ah-ah, no fisticuffs.

Sandi charges Jane, but Jane sidesteps and Sandi runs full tilt into the Big Strawberry.

Jane: Tilt! Besides, you're defeated. Might as well give up, you're surrounded.

Sandi looks up at Jane with little cartoon stars dancing around her head.

Sandi: Oh, Auntie Em, I had the strangest dre.. Um, you know, you really should do something about that gingham fetish, it's, like, sooo 1890's...

Jane leaves her and goes ovet to the band. the Spiral has segued into their usual white noise instrumental stylings.

Jane: Hey, compadre, way to go! You saved the day and the town is once again free!

Daria: Yep. Free to continue their carefree and unfettered descent via handbasket into the suburban Abyss.

Jane: Well, at least you learned a skill.

Daria: That's right. And right after I graduate, I'm going to march right down and join the American Civilian Submarine Service.

Jane: Okay, the Fashion Club has been vanquished and Quinn is in deep Dutch with your mother.

Daria: Now that I can take comfort in.

Jane [Grinning]: You old softie, you.

Daria [Grinning back]: Shut up, and listen to the band.

The Spiral segue into a new song.

Mystik Spiral:

L. A. Woman, stay away from me-hee!

L. A. Woman, mama let me be-hee!

Fruede, schone Gotterfunken, Tochter aus Elyseum

Wir betreten, feuer trunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligstum.

Deine Sauber binden wieder, was die Mode streng geteilt.

Alle menschen werden Bruder, wo dein sanftler flugel weilt!