Consciousness comes slowly, painfully to Daria. She blinked. Bright light was shining through the porthole. She groaned and sat up, hitting her head on the instrument panel.
Daria: Ow! Damned obligatory cheap laugh!
She looked around her. If she hadn't know any better, she'd have thought it had been the aftermath of a particularly strenuous band party.
Trent sat up, pushing a box of electrical equipment off of him. If he hadn't known better, he would have thought, etc.
Trent: Heeeyyy, Daria.
Daria: Are... are you alright?
Trent: Been better. You?
Daria: Well, there's pain, so it's not Heaven. But i'm not burning, so it's not Hell. Either I'm alive, or this is a particularly annoying afterlife.
Trent: Heh, that's pretty funny, Daria.
He laughs, and then coughs. Nick sits up.
Nick: We're alive?
Daria: Nick, just shut up, and move toward the light.
he makes a rude gesture at her. Max sticks his head up out of a tool locker, and groans. Nick reaches up, and pulls the tool locker's hatch down on Max's head.
Max: Ow!
Nick: Talentless, huh?
Trent: You guys cut it out. Where's Jesse?
Jesse walks in from the galley, eating a chicken leg.
Jesse: Yo, I'm here.
Max: Where'd you get that chicken?
Jesse: There's a tub of KFC in the fridge. May as well eat it. Power's out.
Daria: Any idea how old that chicken is?
Jesse: Nah, but it's still crunchy. Why?
Nick [Heading for the galley]: hey, we're a band, we've got cast iron stomachs.
Max follows him
Trent: You want some, Daria?
Daria: No, thank you. Just promise me you'll scrape off the green, fuzzy part.
Trent [Exiting, with a smile]: Nooo problem. Standard operating procedures
She sits there a minute, hoping that he's kidding, then gets up and goes to the porthole.
Daria: Let me guess, the Sea of Nada...
We see the sub sitting in an area that is empty and totallly stark white.
Daria: My God...
With a closeup of the porthole, we see her face stricken with a terrible awe. As the camera pulls back, we see the band at the other portholes. They look out with mild curiousity, munching on friend chicken.
Back inside, we see Daria blink in surprise. She takes off her glasses and wipes them on her shirt.
Daria: Must have been dust. [Looks out again.] Wha?!?
Her eyes get big again, and we follow her gaze out the port. There is a tiny, black dot skipping across the landscape.
Daria: That's it. I've gone mad, now. Always wondered what it would be like. [She considers this for a moment] Funny, it doesn't feel any different...
She turns back to the porthole, jumps back and screams. Starring back at her is the head of a Teletubbie with the face of Jane Lane. The fur is black and red, and the antena is in the shape of an anarchy symbol. On her stomach is a television, showing the "Sick, Sad World" logo.
Jane: Boo!
She disappears as the band comes back in with looks of concern.
Trent [Around a mouthfull of the Colonel's extra crispy]: Whassa-mabuh?
Nick: Yeah, what was that shriek about? *BRRAAAP*!
Max: Nearly dropped my drumstick.
Jesse: Did drop mine.
He takes another bite out of it, thinks a moment, then holds it out to Daria.
Jesse: Want some?
Daria: No, no, that's... generous, but no, thank you.
Nick: So what was it?
Daria [She opens her mouth to tell them, stops to consider how to describe it, then]: No, I'm not going to tell you.
Max: Why not?
Daria: Because I can't. You'll have to see it for yourselves.
They turn and start looking out the portholes. Behind them, Jane climbs down from the conning tower, her footfalls muffled by her fuzzy feet. She walks up behind them and tries to peer over their shoulders.
Jane: What are we looking for?
Trent: Dunno, Daria won't tell us.
Daria: Just watch, dammit. If I'm not crazy, you'll see it, too.
Jane: Cool. Is it scary?
Max: Listen, even if it is, we're Mystic Spiral, and don't nobody mess with the Spiral, [Starts to turn to look at Jane] cuz we're criminAIYEEEE!!!
He sees her smiling at him and shrieks like a girl, jumping into Nick's arms. Nick sees her and makes a sound no man should make, drops Max, and tries to leap into Jesse's arms. Jesse, however, has just yipped and stepped back, knocking Trent and Daria down. It therefore appears as if Nick has, for no readily apparent reason, leapt into the air and thrown himself to the floor.
Jane: Whoa, a troop of maladroit acrobats.
Jane's TV: Next... on Sick, Sad World.
She slaps it, and it mutes itself.
Jane: You guys don't get paid for this, I hope?
Jesse [The only one still standing]: For what?
Jane: How cute! A naif! [Looks at Daria and Trent] Oooh! Comfy?
Daria blushes violently, and Trent helps her up.
Daria: I've only just met you, and already I hate you.
Max: You... you're not going to... hurt us, are you? [regains a bit of his masculinity] Because... it'll go hard on you if you try!
Jane: Gee, get rid of the squeek, and I might feel intimidated.
Trent: So... who are you?
Jane [Whipping out a card]: My card!
Max: Jane-athon...
Daria: Coyote?
Trent: Lane?!
Nick: Phud...
Jane: PhD, brickhead.
Jesse: GALTA?
Jane: Gay and Lesbian Teletubbie Alliance.
Max: Then... you're gay?
Jane: That would be "Lesbian", oh mentally challanged one, and no, I'm not. [Looks Max up and down] But in you're case I'd be willing to make an exception.
Daria: Then...?
Jane: I'm not, but the Teletubbies who kidnapped me as a child were.
Trent: You know, I had a little sister who was kidnapped by gay and lesbian teletubbies...
Jane: Do tell?
Trent: Yeah, and her name was Jane. Jane Coyote Lane...
Jane: No kidding?
Jesse: Gee, that's cool. [To Jane] Think you ever met her?
Jane looks at him.
Daria: Don't try to explain it, trust me.
Trent hugs Jane.
Trent: It is you! Then Penny didn't sell you to the Iraqis to get guns for the Sandinistas!
Jane [Hugging back]: Heavens, no, whatever gave you that idea?
Trent: Summer.
Jane [Laughs.]: Doesn't surprise me. Seen any of the other sibs since I've been gone?
Trent: Well, got a card from Wind, but I couldn't read it for the tear stains. Dad stopped by last week to get his mail.
Jane: Did he recognize you?
Trent: Vaguely. I had to remind him that Wind was blonde.
Jane: How about Mom?
Trent: Oh, she occasionally breezes through...
Daria: Look, I hate to interupt "Lanes Miserables II", but we've got a script to finish?
Jesse looks confused. Max leads him to the side and explains it to him quietly.
Jane: Oh, yeah. I guess we have been adlibbing a bit.
Daria [Taking her aside and whispering]: And since we're speaking out of character, what are you doing here? This was supposed to be Dad's role.
Jane [Whispering back]: The costume kept giving him psychotic flashbacks to grammer school.
Daria: Say no more, I don't want to know... PhD?
Jane: It was a bargain! Some correspondent school in California. Neat, huh? Now you can call me "Doc."
Daria: Don't hold your breath.
Jane: Spoilsport. [To the others] So, when are you all going to rescue me from this place?
Jesse: Right now!
Max: Sure thing. You know the way out?
Jane: If I knew the way out, Einstein, would I still be here?
Trent: No clue at all?
Jane: Well, maybe through the Sea of Holes?
Trent: You know where that is?
Jane: Sure! It's out toward the outer rim... [She points, wavers a bit, pointing several different directions] Kinda north... west... erly... to the south... easterly... ish... sorta?
Daria: Gee, let's not get too specific there, "Doc."
Jane: I hate you.
Max: Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find. Let's just go find it.
Daria: Good idea, Max! You and Nick take the bow, Trent and Jesse the stern, and ol' "Doc" and I will pick her up by the keel, and we'll just merrily skip along, carrying umpteen tons of vintage German steel, until we find it.
Jane: Huh? What do you mean?
Trent: She means the batteries are dead.
Jesse [Helpfully]: It takes a D cell.
Trent: That was a joke, Jesse. Actually, it takes several hours recharging with the diesel engines.
Jane: Well, crank 'em up, what're we waiting for?
Everyone looks hopefull, except Daria and Trent.
Trent: No good. They need electricity to start.
Daria: And air.
Trent: Nah, this stuff will work for air. We can breath it.
Daria: Mmrrphph?!?
Jane has clamped her hand over Daria's mouth, with a serious look.
Jane: Never question magic Daria, never! That's how we lost Gurgulyburps. He stopped believing that Teletubbie antenae would't attract lightning, and he got electrocuted during Mr. Rainstorm. It wasn't a pretty sight... Got some good paintings from it, though.
Daria: Myurm-fur-mif-gickling-me!
Jane [Takes her hand from Daria's mouth]: What?
Daria: Your fur is tickling me! Okay, we've got air, what'll we do about electricity?
Jane opens her purse/magic bag and produces some ratty looking jumper cables.
Jane: Tadaa!
Trent: But what'll we hook them up to?
Jane: My antena.
Jesse: But won't that hurt?
Jane: Who knows? But before we do this, I want just one thing in return.
Daria: What's that.
Jane: I've been eyeing this rust-bucket of yours...
Daria: Whoa, hold up. This isn't mine. It belongs to the people of Lawndaleland (and says a lot about their taste), and I can't sell it.
Jane: Who said anything about selling it? I want to paint it, to decorate it! Can you imagine what I could do with a canvas like this?
Daria: The mind reels. Just like good ol' Doc Frankenstein and all those spare body parts.
Jane: Don't make me drool, kiddo. Just let me set my mark on this bucket of bolts.
Daria: Well, it couldn't look any worse. Deal!
They shake on it.
A few minutes later, in the rusty, dyspeptic bowels of the Cynic.
Jane: I can't believe you sail the high seas with this mess.
Daria: I don't sail the high seas, I sail well below the high seas where there's no turbulence. If this story had been titled "The Blue and Yellow Destroyer," "... Aircraft Carrier," "...Shrimp Boat," or even "The Blue and Yellow 'Sarcasm of Titanic Proportions,'" I'd have stayed in Syracuse and Lawndaleland would have had to fashionably rot.
Jesse: Yeah, first time I met her, she was tossing her cookies.
Daria picks up a large monkey wrench from a tool chest, hefting it and eyeing Jesse thoughtfully.
Trent [Gently taking the monkey wrench from her]: Um, Daria, I think it would probably be better for you to be in the driver's seat when we do this. We'll call you on the intercom when we're ready, okay?
Daria: The Monkees... we could have just crossed over with the Monkees...
Trent: I know, I know. Just relax and breath, and we'll let you know when it's ready, okay?
Daria [Exiting]: But no... to save expenses, we've just have to use the house band...
Ten minutes later we see Jane hooked up to the bank of batteries, one clamp of the jumper cables in her hand, another on her antena. Trent is speaking into the intecom.
Trent: Okay, Daria, fire her up. Daria? Heeey, Daria, can you hear me? Is this thing working?
Daria [Entering]: As I sat there, waiting for your call, it occured to me (and yes, I should have realized it earlier) that intercoms run on electricity.
Trent: Oh... yeah.
Jane: Well, just run on back there, and kick her in, I'm rarin' to blow this joint. The night life around here sucks.
Daria returns to the control area. We hear the sound of an engine turning over. Jane starts twitching, smoking, and throwing sparks. The engine turns over once more and Jane yelps and becomes incandescent. We see her alternately as a silhouette, a skeleton, a frizzed-out Teletubbie, or as a flash of blinding light. A subliminal message flashes briefly, "Write MTV if you love Daria. MKH." The band is yelling for Daria to cut off the juice, when there is a final "flash, *POP*". A light bulb appears where Jane had been standing, with the word "TILT" superimposed, then the world is momentarily white.
The light dissipates and the smoke clears. The engines are roaring happily as Jane stands there stunned, no longer a Teletubbie but her own loveable self, smudged with little smoke tendrils rising from her. The band gets up from where they had been knocked backwards into the wall. Jane opens her mouth and blows a smoke ring.
Daria [VO]: Alright, everyone, it's running smoothly now. Thanks.
They all turn and silently look at the intercom. Blackout.
Captain's cabin. The clock is broken and the calender is scattered across the floor. Daria is at the captain's desk, drinking a Surge.
Daria [VO]: The calender's down, the clock's broken, I don't know what day of the voyage this is, and I have long ceased to care. After three days of searching, we've finally found the Sea of Holes. According to Jane, there is a green hole that leads to the Blue and Yellow Sea (Which used to actually be Blue and Yellow, but the colors mixed together). But there are billions of holes out there. Billions of them. Black holes against a white background, wherever you look. All is futility, all is vanity. I may never see my home or family again, but even this fails to cheer me. May as well go join the away team.
She slams the book shut.
Outside, we see Jane with the band schlepping from hole to hole. Jane, once again human, is enjoying her new-found lack of pep with a satisfied smile. Daria walks up and joins them.
Daria: You look smug.
Jane: Nah, just happy to be normal again.
Daria [A half-smile]: Normal?
Jane: Normal for a Lane. The fur itched like crazy, not to mention being so full of pep and vigor... [She shudders] Yeeesh! It just ain't natural.
Daria [To the band]: You know, guys, green is so different than black that you probably don't have to stop and examine every hole.
They ignore her and continue.
Jane: Men are such stubborn creatures.
Max: Look, just let us do this our way, alright?
Jane: Well, we don't want to mess with the criminales...
Trent: It's just relaxing. Try it.
Nick: Yeah, Daria, you need to unwind.
Jesse: What color hole are we looking for again?
All: GREEN!
The sound echos throughout the Sea of Holes, until we come to a special pair of holes. Out of one peeps Brooke, and from the other, dressed like an Ecru Meanie, is Jeffy.
Brook: Okay, which one of them are we supposed to kidnap?
Jeffy [Reading of a piece of paper]: Uh, the girl.
Brooke: Which one of the girls? Duh!
Jeffy [A little stung by this]: I think Sandi said, "An unfashionable brain with dark hair, or something."
Brooke [Impatiently]: Oooooh! Well, which one of them looks the most unfashionable to you?
Jeffy: How should I know? I'm a guy, we don't know about these things!
Brooke: What do the orders say?
Jamie looks at the sheet of paper. He sees the word "glasses". His brows furrow, and a weak lightbulb, a la Beavis and Butthead, appears over his head. He grins evilly.
Jeffy: It's the one in red!
Brooke: Good! Let's go grab her! Sandi will be so proud, she'll make me vice-president in Quinn's place!
Jeffy: Uh, Brooke, why don't we just steal the sub?
Brooke: Steal school property?!? Oh, no, Jeffy, Sandi would never go for that! Let's go.
She disappears down the hole.
Jeffy [VO]: And when she sees you've failed your mission so badly, she'll just have to reinstate Quinn.
Jamie [From below]: C'mon, Jeffy, you're getting heavy!
Joey [Also from below]: You're one to talk, I've got both of you on my shoulders!
Kevin [Likewise]: Ah, the heck with you guys, I'm leaving!
Jeffy's eyes get big, and his head disappears down the hole. We hear the three J's hitting bottom, along with their cries of pain.
Meanwhile, Jesse is bored. He picks up a hole and sniffs it. He shrugs, and puts it in his pocket. He idly picks up another and fings it like a frisbee. We can see he enjoyed that. The others walk on oblivious to his antics, so he picks up another one and eyes yet another. He tosses the one in his hands into it, and the results are spectacular. A brilliant orange fireball erupts upward in a mushroom shaped pall of purple smoke. Jesse is tossed backwards and lands on Trent.
Trent: Hey, watch it! What're you trying to do, kill us?
Jesse: Sorry.
Back beneath the holes, we see Brooke, Kevin, and the three J's cringe as the explosion rocks their world.
Brooke [Panicking, almost Stacy-like]: Omigod, they're shooting at us! Quick, grab her, and let's get back to the Versace!
Kevin leaps for a hole.
Above, we see Kevin's hands closing around Max's ankles, jerking Max down into the hole. There is the sound of a brief scuffle, and Max is tossed back up out of the hole.
Max: Hey! Something just tried to grab me!
Nick: In your dreams. Who'd want you?
Max: It was one of those monsters! They followed us!
Trent: Calm down, Max, maybe you just tripped.
Jane: Howp!
Trent: Wha?
He turns to see Jane disappearing down a hole.
Daria: Jane!
She grabs her hands, and the band grabs Daria. There is a mighty strugle, but four hungry musicians and a brain cannot outpull three football players and a quarterback, and Jane slips through Daria's hands, disappearing down the hole.
Daria [Ducking her head down the hole]: Damnit, let her go, you fashion fiends!
Trent: Let them go, at least we know it's not the monsters. We need to find the Blue and Yellow Sea and head them off.
They turn to run, and nearly stumble into the jagged green hole left by the explosion.
Trent: A shortcut! Jesse, I could kiss you!
Jesse: Please, don't.
Trent: I wasn't, I... oh, never mind.
Daria: I'll go get the Cyinic. You four wait here, and make sure that hole doesn't disappear.
She leaves.
Trent: I can't believe it, we're finally going home.
Jesse: Dega Street!
Max: Axel's Piercing Parlour!
Nick: Monique!
Trent: What?!?
The scene fades, as Trent glowers at an uneasy Nick.