The scene opens on Lawndaleland, a magical place of suburban reality many leagues beneath the Sea of Blue and Yellow. It is a paradise of mediocrity nestled amidst the trees and hills of that fair land. We see Lawndalelanders going about their merry business on a typical Saturday afternoon: lawns are mowed, cars are washed, and sidewalks are big-wheeled...
The camera pans up one of the hills, where a group of people are standing ominously, like Native Americans in bad western movies. Pastel war flags wave in the breeze as the camera zooms in on the Fashion Club and Linda Griffin scowling on the town, behind them standing a bizarre, yet fashionable, army.
Sandi: Look at them, poor, miserable, misguided wretches, going about their sorry, unfashionable little lives.
Quinn [Cradling a lady's glove that bears a disdainful face]: You would think they'd know better by now. We've been passing out leaflets for months.
Stacy: All those ugly, fat men on their riding lawnmowers.
Tiffany: Bermuda shorts, grass clippings... ewww.
Linda: But all that will soon change. Look, my daughter, all this will soon be yours.
Sandi: Yes, my moment of triumph is at hand!
Quinn [VO, with sour look]: Not for very long, if I have anything to do with it...
Linda [Pointing]: Look, Quinn, isn't that your cousin or something?
Stacy [Hyperventalating]: Omigod! She sees us! She's looking right at us!
Tiffany: Green, orange, and black, ewww. That would make me look soooo fat, wouldn't it?
Quinn: Never you mind, you guys, it's too late for her to do anything about it now.
Sandi: Well said! Forward, my Fashion Army! Take this town and teach them not to trifle with matters of style! Bring coordinating colors into their worthless lives! Like, smite them like they've never been smitten...
Sandi [Glowering at her]: What-ever... Smite them like they've never been smote before, or something! Heil Versace!
All: HEIL VERSACE!
Daria, in the meantime, has gone to the town square, where Mayor Li is supervising the raising of a statue of herself.
Daria: Um, excuse me...
Daria: Do you remember my mentioning something about an hour ago, about a group of people on the hill, glowering menacingly at us?
Li [Impatiantly]: Yes!
Daria: And you said it was nothing to worry about, probably a sunday scool picnic?
Li: Yes, yes, can you sum up please? I'm rather busy right now.
Daria: Oh, well, I guess it's not that important...
Li: Oh, will you just please get to the point, Ms. Morgendorffer?!?
Daria: Never mind.
Li [Returning to her supervising]: Fine!
It's just that they're now charging down the hill en masse, with weapon's a-blazing.
There is a pause. The workmen look at each other, and Li begins to panic.
Li: Oh-my-God, oh-my-God! Call out the police! Call out the fire department! Call out the sanitation workers! Release the dogs!
Daria [To one of the panicking workers]: The cops are probably down at the Dunk 'n' Slurp.
Worker: Well, duh!
Daria gives the man a sour look as Li runs around her squeeking, "What're we going to do, what're we going to do?"
The scene shifts to the front lines. Quinn's glove is swooping and diving, leaving a vapor trail of this season's color, blasting the citizenry with it's fashion ray. The Ecru Meanies, an army of people dressed in tailored, ecru fatgues, with little ecru Mickey Mouse ears, are tossing powder-puff grenades, while squads of robotic troops (some in the shape of Brooke with collapsable noses, behind which protrude gun barrels that fire lipstick bullets; others in the shape of ten-foot-tall Tiffanies striding above the masses, dropping compacts) raise havoc on the town's flanks. The people are herded into easily conquered groups by small, nervous, yet fashionable, toy dogs that wantonly urinate on any who lags behind, while fashionable pedigreed cats stroll about and supervise.
The citizens run about in a blind panic, screaming. Whenever they are hit by a fashion weapon they are frozen in place, decked in the latest in casual and formal wear from New York, Paris, Milan, and Tokyo, encased in a bubble of coordinating colors.
Elsewhere, Li is dragging Daria towards the docks.
Daria: A submarine? Where in Hell did Lawndaleland get a submarine?
Li: The school board bought it surplus as a security measure. When they discovered there were no missile tubes, they parked it here for future field trips.
Daria: Missile tubes? What were you going to do, nuke us in case of a school shooting?
Li: Well, you know what they say, "close dosn't count except for horseshoes, handgrenades, and H-bombs."
Daria: I feel safer already.
Li: You're our last hope, Ms. Morgandorffer. You must take it out and return with help to restore the honor of Laaawwndaleland!
They turn the corner and there before them is a decrepit looking pigboat painted in blue and yellow. Out of the muzzle of the rusted deck gun hang a pair of pompoms, while barely discernable beneath the new paint on the conning tower is the outline of a Maltese Cross.
Daria: Wait a minute, Li! This is a U-boat!
Li: Now, calm down, Ms. Morgandorffer, it's not a Nazi U-boat.
Daria [Narrowing her eyes and glowering at Li]: Well, that leaves just one world war it could be from...
Li: But it was such a bargain!
Daria: Look, Li... there is no way I'm getting into that death trap! I'd sooner risk my life in Tom's Pinto...
Helen [VO]: Daria! Help!
Daria turns in time to see her mother running from a squad of Ecru Meanies, with a pack of Lhasa Apsos nipping at her heels.
Helen shrieks as she's hit by a powderpuff grenade, and gasps as she is now clad in Calvin Kleins, the jeans several sizes too small.
Daria: Mom!! No!!! [A beat, then calmer] Damn. I guess it's personal now.
Li: Good, good. Here's the instruction book, a fuel card (it takes diesel, oil, and NO CASH ADVANCES!), good luck and bon voyage!
Daria climbs into the conning tower and opens the hatch. Her nose wrinkles at the smell of diesel fuel and ancient German fear-sweat.
Daria: Wait a minute, there are portholes in this lemon. There aren't supposed to be portholes in a U-boat!
Li [Exasperated]: It was retrofitted for field trips. How can you learn anything if you can't see out?
Daria: Do they leak?
Li: Oh, will you look at the script! The band has to look out of them several times on the way back!
Daria [A beat]: Well, let's just hop gayly out of character whenever we feel like it, shall we?
Li glowers at Daria. Some one screams offstage, and Li looks suddenly nervous.
Li: Ummm, maybe I should come with you...
Daria [Panicking]: Umm, I don't think that is really necessary. You know, someone should stay to, ahhh, rally the partisans.
Li: Oh, shut up, and get out of the way!
Suddenly a troop of Brooke-bots arrive. They look at Li and open fire, bringing her down screaming in a hail of Chanel's "Rosette Celebration" lipstick.
Li is now frozen in place, wearing a Yokimoto original. Easily abandoning any pretense of loyalty, Daria dogs the hatch and locks it. She goes and sits in what appears to be a one-man control area (obviously a refit), and pulls out the manual. She quickly flips pages, then tosses the book aside in disgust.
Daria: It would just have to have been in German, wouldn't it?
She looks out the porthole to where Helen stands frozen in place. Linda Griffin is now dancing around her, tossing rolls of crepe paper over her...
Daria: I can't believe somebody actually bought that old crepe paper allergy dodge. Guess it's easier than rolling the yard, though.
Looks back at the controls.
Daria: Okay, what was it that Moe said in "The Three Stooges go to Mars?" "When in doubt, push buttons!"
She does this as tubes of Revlon's "Toast of New York" splatter against the portholes. The sub lists to the left as the port ballast tanks fill.
She presses more buttons and the sub starts to list to the starboard. The hull starts to ring as Compact Conkers start to bombard it.
Daria [VO, through gritted teeth]: It was easier to have Mom teach me to drive!
The glove zips past the porthole, grinning at her. Daria pushes another button. The engines fire up, then die, as the sub sinks to the bottom. Now, only the conning tower is out of the water.
Daria: Dammit!! Captain Fred never had this much trouble!
She slams both fists onto the control panel, causing several things to happen at once. The enginges roar to life, compressed air fill the ballast tanks, the control room lights up, the LHS fight song plays, and a banner unrolls that says, "Go Lyons!" [sic] A glove compartment falls open, revealing a booklet that is titled, "Driving the LHS Sea Lion; Modificatioins for single bus driver."
Outside, the glove angles down to strafe the conning tower. As it comes in over the bow, the sub broaches the surface, flinging it's bow high into the air. The glove hits hard right between the upper torpedo tubes. Crumpled and mussed, it flies off whimpering to find Quinn. She is removing the crepe paper from Helen.
Quinn: Oh, poor, poor glove! There, there, baby, I won't let anyone else hurt you.
She gives it a kiss on the head.
Quinn: Trust me, Mom, it's going to be sooo much better this way. The town looks nicer already, and those jeans are just killer on you. [Chuckles] You don't look nearly so heavy now. Good thing you couldn't hear that...
Helen [VO]: Just you wait, young lady. I'll see to it your grandchildren are grounded!
Quinn: And then, when all is settled down and I've gotten rid of Sandi and her Mom, we shall rule Lawndaleland together! Muahahahahaha!!!
As Quinn throws her head back and laughs, the camera lifts to show the Sea Lion sailing merrily into the sunset, as the opening credits roll to the song, "Cynic's Submarine"
In the town, where I was bored, Lived a misery chick, who sailed to sea, And she told us of her life On the Cynic's Submarine. So we sailed into the sun, And she turned a wierd shade of green, And she painted all the decks Of her Cynic's Submarine. Chorus: We all live on a Cynic's Submarine, (Repeat four times) And our friends are all aboard, (Some she'd like to toss overboared) And the Spiral begins to play, [SFX: One bar of Mystik Spiral's "Little Sister".] Chorus... [SFX: Submarine sounds, commands being given and passed on, and the hum and lurch of machinary. In the background we hear the infamous "Four Dammits" routine from "The Teachings of Don Jake."] As sarcastically as she pleases, She now denies us all a life of ease, She shares her work, we think that's mean, On her Cynic's Submarine. Chorus...
The following scenes play behind the credits as the music plays...
We see Daria in a sensible and non-fashionable one piece bathing suit. She is sitting on a scaffold hanging from the bow of the Sea Lion. She holds a template over the space formerly occupied by the name "LHS Sea Lion." She shakes a can of spray paint, then sprays over the template. When she removes it, we see she has renamed the former U-13 as the "SSW Cynic."
Now she's standing on a dock, and we see an idylic tropical island behind her. She is still dressed in the swimsuit, and is holding a two-liter bottle of generic cola and a colorful tropical drink (some form of Mai-tai) with a little umbrella and fruit slices impaled on a plastic cutlas. She swings the bottle at the bow to christen the boat, but it splits open on the wrong side, and she is splatterd as well as the bow. With a look of extreme annoyance, she takes a sip of the drink. The look of annoyance turns quickly to a look of disgust, and she throws the Mai-Tai against the bow.
We see her inside the sub later, delicately applying ointment to her reddened face and arms.
Next, we see a map of the world. A black line appears to show us her journey, but it is soon apparent that whoever is contoling the line is scribbling, for it moves over land and ocean with no hint of pattern.
We see Daria sitting in the control booth of the Cynic. She is drinking a coke, with her legs proped up, the instruction book in her hands and a sandwich by her side. She yawns and looks out the window.
We see a brief clip of "The Creature From 20,000 Fathoms," where the creature is menacing the bathysphere.
Daria sits back and blinks, startled. She shakes her head and looks outside again.
We see the scene from "20 Leagues Under the Sea" where Kirk Douglas is jabbing the giant squid with a harpoon.
Daria hunches back down in her seat, and tries to ignore the porthole. It is impossible, and her eye is drawn to it again.
Godzila, Gamera, Mothra, Godzookie, and all the monsters of Monster Island are hopping up and down, posing and waving.
With a weary look on her face, Daria draws the blinds and hunkers down. She returns to her reading with an "at last" look on her face.
We see the Cynic dwarfed as it passes between two nuclear submarines, the Leningrad and the Red October. The U-boat is barely missed by the torpedo fired from the USS Dallas.
The interior of the Cynic rocks back and forth, and the lights flicker on and off with the shockwaves from the explosion of the Leningrad. When things calm down, we see Daria's head reappear, half of the sandwich in her hair, her glasses askew, and a "wha hoppened" look on her face.
Another tropical island, another pier. There is a diesel pump, and she leans against it. A fat man with dark hair and a goatee brings her a receipt and cash. She thanks him and reboards the sub. As she heads for the forward hatch, we see a sign that says, "Isla Nublar Fuel Stop; Diesel $1.39/gal." Daria goes down the hatch and closes it. There is a beat and the hatch reopens. Daria climbs out, looks down the hatch sternly, pointing toward the dock. Alternately looking sheepish, sullen, or defiant, three velociraptors and five procompsagnathus's climb out and head for shore. She looks down the hatch again and mouths, "You, too!" With a great deal of effort, a stegosaurus squeezes out of the hatch and goes ashore in a pout. Daria rolls her eyes.
We return to the map, and lines are everywhere, even on the legend. There is even a tic-tac-toe game on Greenland (X won...). A great, hairy hand reaches up and grabs the map, crumpling it, revealing a map of Oz, which is quickly covered. The hand reaches up again and again, revealing at turns maps of Middle Earth, Pern, Narnia, Barsoom, a floor plan of the White House, and finally a map of Hollywood stars' homes.
We now see Daria at the periscope. Although she seems to be searching, she is actually just killing time. Suddenly she stops, and turns it back a couple of degrees.
We see an old whaling vessel, the Pequod. Suddenly Moby Dick surfaces underneath her, breaking her in two.
Daria rubs her eyes and looks back into the scope.
We see Ulysses tied to the mast, begging his men to untie him as the Sirens sing.
She turns the periscope a few more degrees.
We see a life boat. Some of its pasengers are in the stern, play poker. Suddenly, with a sour look, Tallulah Bankhead throws her cards down, and goes to talk to the German.
Daria savagely turns the scope around.
We see Kate Winslett on top of some flotsam sadly letting go of her little DiCapriosicle.
Daria steps back as the music fades.
Daria: If this gets any more ridiculous...
She looks back into the scope.
We see Daria and all the denizens of Lawndale High waist deep in water, with the foundering Princess Fairy behind them.
Daria steps back and savagely slaps the hand grips up against the scope, and lowers it with a bang.
Daria: That does it! I don't care where I am, or who or what I meet, I'm surfacing!
She goes to the controls as the scene fades out.