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September 22, 2003 *3:16pm
i'm tired of trying to explain how i feel about how i feel. the human language has been exhausted. i can never have a big enough vocabulary to try to describe emotion. verbal communication can only go so far. i'm tired of hearing (and using) the same phrases that were over-used decades ago. poetry works for twisting words that invoke deeper seeded emotions, but only to an extent. it still, like everything else, is inadequate. i don't even know what the fuck creativity and originality are anymore. nothing is original. everything is borrowed (or pieced together) from past ideas, that were themselves borrowed, etc. i'm dying for SOMETHING FUCKING UNIQUE. it's getting stronger. i wish i knew what it was or if it's just another self-exhalting idealation that tries to give light to what is ultimately and will always be a stagnant, repetitive waste of time and energy. i wish i knew what was important, but it's all the same. everything we as organisms do to survive is to reduce the amount of stress in any given situation. that's it. homeostasis is the basis of what is "good" and "bad". where does purely organical drives to survive bridge with the human "consciousness" and which one can be blamed for a certain behavior? it can't be just one, as much as i would like to simplify it. i just wish i knew how much of what i hate about myself is "programmed" and how much is "thought-out". alright, i've changed a lot since i started this weblog so i figured i'd post some of my likes and dislikes. no one reads this anyways, so what the hell, right?
Likes:
Dislikes:
January 9, 2003 *11:38pm
i wish the world could see life through my eyes. try to imagine the deepest, darkest fears and the eternal guilts that you try to hide invading your mind every second of your existance. i wish everyone could see what i see everyday. i see my friends and family either suicidal or so drug dependent they might as well be dead. this doesn't exclude me either. i live nearly every moment anticipating my next "fix"...whatever it may be. lots of vodka, oxycontin, whatever i feel like indulging in at the time. hell, i'm not even physically dependent yet, although i might as well be. i can only imagine how much worse it's going to be once i am addicted. i see my future, but i've lost the will to change it. i've given up. hopefully it won't always be this way. maybe i'll find "god" and change my "wicked ways" someday. i guess i'll have a heart attack someday, get scared shitless and come crawling back to "god". whatever. i wish the people i hate the most, the one's who have always doubted me because of the way i choose to interpret life, could see the misery and chemical dependency that surrounds me and has become me. people say i've changed a lot. i really don't think that's the case. i've always felt this deep inside, but was too afraid to admit it because i thought i could change the inevitable. fuck it. i'm high, drunk, and tripping right now. but for the life of me it doesn't seem fair. our lives were over before they even began. genetics...the cancer that devours motivation, inspiration, and the will to change yourself.
December 26, 2002 *3:50pm
this is from my journal on 12/18/2002:
our nation's children are being brainwashed. Call me paranoid, psychotic, ecstatic, unpatriotic, anti-establishment, etc. i'm probably all of them. it's a plague that is infecting america right under its nose...but no one seems to care. what am i bitching about now? cognitive anchors. the beliefs that are IMPLANTED into the minds of children. this is especially true in suburban, or "white" america. take me for example. i've lived the agony first hand. since i was born, i was raised by a christian family, went to a christian school, went to church, and never heard there was any other way of life. well, i KNEW of other religions and ways, but when i inquired of them, i was told they were: wrong, ignorant, heathen, and all-around misguided". who says? everyone and everything i knew SAID. point number two. i was always raised AMERICAN. heh. i can hear the anger building in some of those who might read this. sure, it's supposed to teach children to have pride in their country. what isn't realized is that this teaches children to believe their country (goverment, laws, propaganda, etc.) is NEVER wrong. this leads to a "cult" of "robots" who take in everything that is preached to them without question. does hitler come to mind? i seriously am waiting for the day to come when our government rounds up everyone with who has ANY "middle-eastern" blood in them and put them in "holding areas" until it is assured they are "real americans". the only difference between "american democracy" and the national socialist (nazi) party are the cutesy words our leaders use to twist the true meaning of their statements. fuck amreica. fuck religion. fuck establishment. fuck the news. throw your tv out a window. smash your radio. go read a book. don't believe it. question it. read another one. talk to someone. ask more questions. THINK FOR YOURSELF.
December 23, 2002 *12:00am
yay, i updated. although i have nothing to say. just got off work. i have a bunch of bitches and poems to put up here, but i'm too goddamn lazy to type it out right now. i bleed, sweat, and degrade myself for a 5"x2" piece of fucking paper with my name and some numbers on it. money is worthless. money is everything. i hate money, but only because i love it. the only thing money is good for is buying presents for the handful of people i love and drugs. drugs. drugs. drugs. drugs are cool. think drugs have rotted my mind? nah. it was the kids in elementary school that called me gay, or the teachers who never cared about how i was feeling. hiding in the bathroom during pep rallies so i wouldn't start hyperventilating from everyone staring at me. that's what rotted my brain. kane, you have so much potential, you're so smart, why is your life heading towards rock bottom. hmm. first off, i'm NOT smart! i AM insane. second, my potential was destroyed when i realized everything i believed was a lie. when my role models spit in my face. when my peers talked about me behind my back because of the clothes i wore. when my bible teacher told me to hate gays, atheists, and anything he didn't believe. when my mom first stuck a needle in her arm and when my dad took his first shot of whiskey. i'm never going to be the same again. i'm glad... from now on, it's going to be just ME. nothing else. not what the world has told me. not what my loved ones have told me. not what i've read. not what my shrink says. not what my preacher is screaming. i am kane. i'm not what i've learned. i AM what i AM. no more lies. no more fronts. i'm tired of being politically correct. fuck the entire world. if you don't like me, i don't like you. go kill yourself and rid the world of another worthless organism that burns up fossil fuels, pollutes the atmosphere, and makes others like me feel even more alienated than we already are. fuck it. fuck the world. fuck your opinions. slit your wrists. od on heroin. blow your brains out. swallow a bottle of bleach. god knows i am. i'm tired of life, humans, existance, love, loss, guilt, and pain. don't worry, BE HAPPY! November 28, 2002 *1:30am
*-new poem added-* i'd like to start off by saying: it's your life - live it however you want to...just don't fuck with mine. just because i shoot dope, get drunk, and smoke pot doesn't give anyone the right to condemn me for the way i live my life. you can have your opinions, but atleast be open-minded enough to realize that it is MY life and until you have been inside of my world, don't judge me for my personal opinions. a lot of people love to tell me how wrong i am when they have never truly looked at themselves. look beyond your implanted beliefs that have been accepted for the most part due to mass speculation, propaganda, and lack of independent research. don't believe every thing you hear, read, are taught, or believe solely on blind-faith. read, research, ask questions, conduct studies; don't trust the majority, trust what you find to be true from your evidence. jumping to quick-tempered conclusions without careful consideration regarding the ethics of others will always be one of the greatest hindrances in ultimate human unity. i don't know where i'm going with this, but i would just like to say...please don't judge me...i don't judge you. love me for who i am, what i feel, and what i show...if you can do that then you will have every ounce of love and respect my soul can offer. please just don't judge me for my personal beliefs on what i believe is right or wrong for myself.
November 17, 2002 *11:16pm
fuck me. please someone fuck me so i'll know i'm alive. either that or kill me. whichever is more convenient. some morphine would be even better. ahhh, nothing i'd love more than a 1cc syringe filled to the brim with morphine. i stick it in, pull it back; the dark red blood slowly trickles in. such a beautiful color. push down the plunger in one quick motion, delivering the lethal dose. i sit back and slip into an earth-bound ecstacy to prepare me for my soul-bound journey. i feel the pleasure of every endorphine in my body rushing through the neurons of my brain. my eyes are getting very heavy. i begin to nod. i need to take the needle out of my arm while i still can. no. i'll leave it there. it will be my mantra thanking the god(s) for their gift of the piece of heaven known as narcotics. as my eyes slowly close, i know the meaning of life. to feel like this...forever. but it will only fade and leave me where i was before. death is the only answer. as i stare into the backs of my eyes and wait for death, the irony strikes me. i can only find happiness in my life by destroying it.
November 15, 2002 *1:49pm
not much going on today. i just woke up about 30 minutes ago because i didn't get home til 3:30am last night. yesterday wasn't too bad of a day. went over to pat's and bought a gram of kb. he was feeling generous and snorted 20mg of oxycontin with me. very nice. he then wanted to show me his new car, so we went and picked up james. after smoking a joint and talking from about 12 til 2, i decided to take james home. i enjoy actually being out of my house for once. i really don't care what i do, as long as i'm not in this fucking house. i feel like i've spent my whole life in this thing. anyways. i start working for kfc (lol) today at 4. it's the only thing i've been able to find down here that actually has an open position. hopefully i'll be changing jobs sometime in december, though. pat will be the produce manager at a foodworld near his house and says he'll need me if i want the job. i'd a lot rather do that than cook chicken. not much else to say.
November 14, 2002 *11:24am
still nothing new in my world. i've been writing a lot more than usual lately. a lot of people want to know what my poetry is about. your guess is probably as good as mine. i talk about a lot of things in my poetry, but i guess the only thing i can say about it is that there's more to it than it appears. it usually comes out pretty unorganized because when i write a poem, i just sit and write. i don't revise, i just let whatever i'm thinking come out. basic mental skeleton of my poetry: drugs + depression + laziness + free time + hate for the world + more drugs = finished work. now i remember why i quit writing on this thing, i don't know what to say. nothing comes out right. it's just like my speech. fuck it, i tried.
November 11, 2002 *7:15pm
another poem is added. nothing new. well, actually a lot is new, but i don't care too much about details now. i homeschool now, live in Montevallo, and not much has changed, but my address. same bullshit life.
diacetyl morphine.morphine sulfate.hydromorphone.meperdine.fentanyl(dylan, i'm still laughing at that!).oxycodone.hydrocodone.codeine.propoxyphene sulfate.propoxyphene napsylate.amphetamine sulfate.dextro-amphetamine sulfate.dextro-amphetamine saccharate.methamphetamine.methylphenidate.diazepam.
September.13.2001 *1:34pm Goddamnit. I had a nice little post all typed out and angelfire decided to delete it, great. Anyways, the reason I haven't posted in forever is because I CAN'T. I have too much fucking homework to hardly do anything. I get to check my mail maybe once a week and actually talk to people for just a few minutes. ASFA is wonderful but getting home at 4 and doing homework til 10 or 11 gets old really fucking fast. I guess I was just posting to let everyone know that I'm alive (damn) and won't be able to post for awhile. Hell, the only reason this is getting posted is because I'm home sick. But hopefully I'll get to go to the Tool concert in October *drools*.
I have come curiously close to the end, down
It's calling me...
And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
Its source is bright and endless
And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt
So crucify the ego, before it's far too late August.1.2001 *10:53pm
Today has really been a bitch. It started out at 11 this morning when my
grandmom comes in and wakes me up. She doesn't ask but tells me to get
up now and cut the grass. I had talked to her yesterday and she said as
long as it was cut by Thursday that it was no big deal. After her yelling
at me for awhile, I finally convinced her that I was going to cut the
grass later on in the afternoon when it cools down (I told her this the day before).
Then, at 12, my granddad comes in and tells me to "get up and do it now".
I explain the same thing to him that I did my grandmother and after arguing
for awhile he leaves. So, at 1 my grandmom comes in to inform me that I need
to drive my aunt's truck with my mom and get some gravel for her
yard. I get up, wait another hour for my mom to get home (they said that she
was ready to go when they got me up) then find out when she gets back
that they don't even need me to drive, that they just need me at 3
to help lay out the gravel. On another note, I quit smoking 2 days ago
so I'm not in the happiest of moods. I unload all the gravel (which took
about 2 hours) then cut the front and back yards. Then, after I finished everything,
I come inside only to have my grandmother explode on me because I didn't
cut the 5x5' area behind our kitchen. She goes into "what a sorry person I am"
how I "sleep all day and gripe when I have to do work" and "being depressed
is just an excuse for me not to work". I just sit there and nod but I feel
the hate and anger at her that has been building for the past year
begin to finally rise to the surface. She never thanks me, never asks me,
just tells me. Then, if I seem the least bit unhappy during my work,
she tells me how lazy I am and take them for granted. It's not just me
who she acts this way towards, it's my whole family. I finally just couldn't take it anymore
and had to go to my room to keep from crying and yelling at her.
My mom comes in and asks me what's wrong but before I can finish telling her,
my grandmom comes in and says "what's wrong with you?". Then I snapped.
I yelled at her about how much it hurts never to be thanked and never
to be noticed unless it's something I've done wrong. Then my mom starts
yelling at her. It was chaos for about an hour but my mom told me that
she thinks we might have gotten through to her and made her realize what
she's been doing. But that's what always happens. She says "Oh, I know
I need to be more supportive and look at what people do right, I'm sorry"
Bullshit, I have heard that so many times it means nothing anymore. She is the most
emotionally blindest person I've ever met. So, after it was all over with,
she comes up to me smiling and says "I'll forgive you if you'll forgive me".
For some reason this hurt even worse. No sorrow at how she made me fel, nothing.
Then expects me to forgive her. I'd like to but I can't just forgive her
that easily for the way she's made me feel all my life. But, whatever,
I've just got to learn to block her out. I know I'm doing good, and that's all that matters.
July.26.2001 *7:01pm
Once again, an eternity goes by without me adding to the weblog. I can only blame this on myself but am very glad to report
that I am out of my "slump" and am feeling much better. The past week or so I have been feeling
really lethargic and just overall "shitty". I'm not exactly sure for the cause
of all this but it seems mainly linked to me not being able to sit
down and just do nothing. When I am not doing something I feel that is worthwhile, i get
extremely depressed which in turn keeps me from doing anything because
I'm depressed (don't try to it figure out, I don't understand it either). But, the bottom
line is, I now can lay on the couch all day and not do a damn thing and feel
fine if THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO. For the first time in my life I think I am
actually believing that so hopefully alot of my problems will clear up.
School is just a little over 2 weeks away and I'm begin to get anxious.
This will be my 2nd time switching to a new school but I'm thankfully
a little more grounded than the last time I switched so hopefully it won't be such an emotional shock. I am going to be
attending the Alabama School of Fine Arts in the category of, you guessed it, Math/Science.
ASFA is the 10th best high school in the United States and teaches pretty much the same thing
as normal colleges. It sounds extremely challenging but that is alot better
than being condescended endlessly by a bunch of Bible-thumpers who don't
give a shit about my mind, body or soul. I just hope that the people at this new school
will look a little deeper than my appearance and judge me by my actions
and words ALONE. Hopefully I can keep inspired to add daily entries to this
thing. If you don't see one added for a day or two, drop me an email and tell
me to get off my ass and write :)
July.16.2001 *11:07am
I'm sorry for not adding to the weblog in over a week. This is something that I'm really going to try and make an effort at maintaining. But there's not much I could have done anyways...the past 7 days have been a blur. It started out after me, j, and dylan bought a 1/2. They came over after the purchase and we numbed ourselves with more bong hits than I care to remember. The same for the day after and the next day they spent the night. After those 3 days I took a break for 2 days but during that time I also got sick and am just now beginning to feel better. I woke up at 5 a.m. saturday throwing up and it lasted til Sunday. My brother also got sick so we're pretty sure it was food poisoning :/ I have also started on a computer consulting/repair business. I am going to print out some business cards later tonight and finish up the website as well (i'll post the link soon). The name of the company is Introspect Computing Services. Between my mom and I, the business should have more than enough advertisement so maybe this is something I could actually do that I enjoy and make money as well. Also, thursday lauren was in a car wreck. She hurt her knee and ankle but other than that was pretty much okay. Can't say the same for the car, she said that the guy totaled it. I went to my aunt's friday and stayed there for the weekend along with my mom and brother. I'm not really sure what my plans are for this week but I'm going to try and be a little more constructive this week than last... (ha!)
July.8.2001 *2:56pm
I added a few links to the site but other than that I haven't really done any "updating" today. I'm gonna be calling Lauren in an hour or so and go pick her up. I don't know what we'll do but I guess we'll find something. I might get to see my friend James today. I haven't seen him in over 6 months even though he only lives like a mile from my house. Thank God I have a car now, it makes life a HELL_of_alot more fun. Now, all I need is a job :/ I'm fixing to give upthough and just wait until next year...who knows. Well, I'll try to get another poem I wrote a few days ago up tonight if I'm not too busy (lol). Peace
*July.7.2001 *1:28pm
I just woke up and took Dylan home about 15 minutes ago. I went and got him last night around 9 and we cruised around for a little then decided to go back to my house and chill. I had a couple of grams of some good KB so we headed out to the "smoke-mobile" and blazed up. Damn! 1 bowl later we're laying in my room, mouth full of snickers, talking about how pretty my strobe light is, heh. I have no idea what I'm going to do today. I'm thinking about adding a little more to the site (a few new poems/CGI)if I don't do anything else. This is the first day in awhile that I've actually woken up and been happy...it's strange...all doesn't look bleek...hopefully it'll last. Peace
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